Stage Crush (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode 4 - full transcript

What woman has a beard?
You should've written mustache.

I have a beard.
-No you don't.

Don't say that out loud.

I've decided
we're saying "mustache," okay?

Except I wrote the play,
so I decide too, got it?

The playwright isn't dead.
-I can see that.

Then please consult with me
before you change my text. -Okay.

Listen, boss,
I'm outta here by noon, okay?

I don't need this bullshit,

I'm not taking
this role anyway,

it was just a favor until
I start rehearsals for "The Seagull."



Ofer, did you...

send me a dick pic?

I got Nina. -What?
-Did you want the part?

No...

It's not about talent.

Now it's oversized women,
before it was Asians, black women.

It'll come back to...

blondes. It's a cycle.

So, you're really a couple?

We were for five years...
-Not anymore. -Not anymore.

You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
-Please take the next exit.

You'll want me again
but I won't want you,

you understand? -Got it.
-I won't wait for you. -Got it!

"Let us discuss.



"Let us discuss this bright
and beautiful life of mine, though.

"Day and night I am held in the grip
of one besetting thought,

"to write, write, write!

"To prepare the honey
I feed to unknown crowds,

"I am doomed to brush the bloom..."

from my ass.

I am doomed to brush the bloom
from my ass!

Where do I brush the bloom from?

"From my dearest flower!"
-Flower...

"I am doomed to brush the bloom
from my dearest flower."

Enough, I can't take it anymore.

I'm too old
for 70-page monologues.

Come on, I'm helping you.

How long do you have?

None.
The Austrian director is arriving today

and he expects us to
be off-book.

I should've learned it by now.

How's it going for you guys?

Why aren't you at rehearsal?

I don't know...

If you don't want to answer,
don't answer,

what am I, your dad?

Something really
embarrassing happened

with that playwright...

Iris.

You don't know how long
you're gonna work here,

that's why I told you
not to hit...

No, no, no,
I didn't hit on her.

Then what did you do?

I sent her a picture

of my dick.

What?

Accidentally.

How do you accidentally
take a picture of your dick?

I didn't take it accidentally,
I sent it accidentally.

Did she ask for a picture
of your dick for costume fittings?

Does he need his own costume?
-Shlomo,

it was an accident!

Once I accidentally called 199
instead of 911.

I sent a text message,
"Shitty play," to the director

instead of my wife, accidentally,

but I never sent a picture
of my dick to anyone.

You know why?
-Why?

Because I never took
a picture of it!

Why do you take pictures
of your weenie?

Listen, Shlomo...

it's pretty customary.
-Then it's a bad custom.

I didn't mean to send it to her,
okay?

I meant to send it
to someone else.

Don't send it at all!
-Okay, whoa,

she sent me one too.

The playwright?
-No, the flight attendant.

The one I wanted
to send mine to.

Oh, what did she send you?
-Oh boy.

You'll have a heart attack
if I tell you.

Is she your girlfriend?
-Nah...

She's... a friend.

That's not friendship,

that's organ trafficking.

I'm just fooling around

until the real deal comes along.

I suggest that until then,
knock it off.

Nowadays people lose jobs
because of that.

I already did.

That's why you got kicked off
of "Love Under Fire."

Okay, enough.

You're getting on my nerves, Shlomo.
I have rehearsal.

Learn your lines,
don't slack off.

"Let us discuss.

"Let us discuss this bright
and beautiful life of mine, though."

Tzutz, Tzutz.
-Huh?

Can I ask you a question?

Is it urgent?
-Yes.

Well? -If you had to choose
one celebrity to marry,

who would you choose?
-No, no, no,

I'm not playing that.
-Come on, if you had to.

I'd choose you.
-Very funny.

You. -Stop it.
-Only you.

I only want to be with you,
all day, all night,

only you.

Now leave me alone.

Well?

If I had to choose?
-Yes.

Can it be someone abroad?
-Why abroad?

See? I'm not playing.
-Fine!

But to marry, not sex.
-Okay, I got it.

Did she call to say
she's stuck in traffic?

Tomer, are you...

watching or what?

No, no, I'm with you,
I'm sorry,

I'm just trying to find out
where Iris is.

I'm trying to get her,
don't worry.

Okay, I'm continuing.
-Great.

I know. Ready?

Bar Refaeli.
-What?

Are you and Iris a couple or...

Ofer!
-Or not?

Was it wrong of me to ask?
-Can't you tell they're exes?

Guys, let's focus,

let's get back to work.
-Okay, sorry.

It's okay.
Let's go.

It's her loss for leaving a guy like you.
Okay, let's go.

She didn't leave me, I left her,
but thanks.

You left her?
-No way.

Why not? -No way.
-No way.

Fine, no way, no way.
Thank you.

Let's go, where we left off.
-Where we left off.

I know. Ready?

Bar Refaeli.
-What?

Did you say Bar Refaeli?

Ofer, how many times can I act
surprised? -Huge mistake!

Guys, not everything in the play
really happened, okay?

Never answer that kind of question.

Just say, "You."

I said, "You."
-So it did happen.

Of course it happened.

Iris likes those... games.

"Who would you choose?
Who would you eat? What would you..."

It always ends badly.

"Who would you eat?"

She asked me once,

"If we were stuck in the snow,
who would you eat,

"me or my mother?"

I said, "Your mother,"
and that was the end of our evening.

I can't believe you left her.
She's perfect for you.

Okay.
-And you don't look the type...

Monogamous.

And Iris doesn't
look monogamous?

Not as much as you.
-Come on, man.

The way she carries herself...

How does she carry herself?
-She's way more.

She's comfortable with herself...
-All right.

Thanks, guys. Got it.

Text, please.

Hi, excuse me,

is it okay if I take the couch?

To take...
What do you mean, to take it?

They told me
I can take the couch.

Who told you?
No, we need the couch,

we need it.

Okay, sorry.
-Okay.

Do you know where
Vera Korkin's office is?

Yes, you go down the hall

and then you take the elevator
to floor number 2.

Okay. Thank you.

Did you see who that was?

Who, the babe?
-No, that's Groshovsky.

Paul Groshovsky.

That's Paul Groshovsky?

Paul Groshovsky.

Looks like an inner-city bus driver.

Guys, come on.

He won the Golden Mask four times,

he did "The Seagull,"
his interpretation was a masterpiece,

they teach it at university.

And college too.

He's doing "The Seagull" here?
-Yes, Tomer, yes!

He's doing "The Seagull"!

Paul Groshovsky, huh?
-Paul Groshovsky.

It's common knowledge.

Okay, you guys do...
I'll be right back.

Do what?
-The text.

Do it again...

From the top.
Sarel, from the top.

Okay.

From the top, from "Bar Refaeli."

No way, I'm not acting
without a director.

What do you take me for?
-Please.

No way, boss, forget it.

Excuse me.

The subscriber you have dialed
is not available...

Are you coming in today?

Call me back, let me know.

Oh, listen,

Paul Groshovsky is here.

Paul Groshovsky is here,
rehearsing in the room next door.

He's the one
who's directing....

Anyway, call me back,
I'll tell you all about it.

I promise it won't take long.

But can you tell me
what we're doing?

I told you, I want to scream.

I need somewhere to yell.
-Right,

but I don't get it.

Is it okay that
you're not at the theater?

Gili, I'm not okay.

I'm not okay.
-You look okay.

Do you want to go
to the hospital?

No, I just want to scream.

Okay, where should I go?

I envisioned a desert.

Then envision somewhere closer,

I have to pick up Neta
from daycare at four.

Are you coming in today?

No, it's contagious, it's gross, no.
-Oh, please.

I'll tell Raz to bring you a bottle.
-Raz?

Didn't you say we were
getting a bite to eat?

Afterwards. First she'll yell,
then we'll eat.

Did your therapist recommend this?

No, I read about it,
I need to vent out anger,

I need to release,
-What does she need? -Release.

Why are you angry?

Because Tomer left me.

What?

Why did he leave you?
-I don't know.

Gili, I want
a wide open space, okay?

No echo, so I don't scream
back at myself.

Not a valley or something.
-Okay, no valley.

What are you doing with the Waze?
-Looking for wide open spaces.

Go straight.
-But why did he leave you?

What about over there?
Go in between the trees,

we'll wait for you here,
end of story.

No, no, not here.

Go straight.
-But why did he leave you?

You don't know why?
-I don't know, Razi,

I don't know why he left me.

But why...

But why didn't he tell me?

Why should he tell you?

You don't...

You don't do that,
why did he leave you?

It happens, brother.

He left her.
-Okay, but why?

What...
-I don't know why,

I don't know why he left me, Razi.

Did you do something to him?
-I didn't do anything.

Then why did he leave you?
-Gili,

help me out here.
-Razi, stop asking why.

Because he had enough.

I understand he had enough,
but why?

I'll call and ask him.
-You better not!

No. -You better not!
-Razi, don't. -Do not call him.

Razi! -Do not call him.
-I had...

Put it away.
-Razi, stop it.

She did something to him.
-No I didn't.

I'm telling you.
-I didn't do anything.

What did I do?
-Then why did he leave you?

Come on, brother, it happens.

Why did Mom leave Dad?

What kind of example is that?
-I don't know.

It's not the same.
-I think it was a mistake.

She made a mistake
and now she's all alone,

she should go back to him.

Great, let's arrange
a surprise date for them,

maybe they'll get back together
after 25 years.

Is it because Tomer didn't love her?

He does love me.
He does love me.

Then why did he leave you?
-Razi, leave her alone! Enough!

Okay?

When's your wedding?

Sorry, guys,
but let's rehearse the text.

Wait a sec.
-We're wasting time.

In a month.

Reut's a great guy.
-He is.

Even though he has a girl's name.

I want that too.

I swear, I really do.

To get married?

The whole...

long-time girlfriend thing,

someone who'll ask me
dumb questions on the couch.

But we have to be
good friends too.

Why don't you
introduce me to one of your friends?

Oh please, Ofer.

But someone serious. -You think
I'd introduce you to one of my friends?

Why not?

Don't you know
you're a public toilet?

What?

I'm crazy about you, but you...

You go through girls
like socks.

What?

When did you have a girlfriend
for more than a week?

Your mama's a public toilet,
you dumb model!

Chill.
-Your mama's a public toilet!

Ofer... -You know why you
didn't get "Nina"?

'Cause everyone knows you're
a dumb model. -Shut up!

You couldn't take on
a part like that.

Shlomo says so,
everyone says so!

Why don't you send a dick pic
to a few other girls?

How many girls were you with on the set
before they fired you?

They didn't fire me,
and they'll bring me back, in your face!

Not a chance, you asshole!

What's up, guys?

Did you rehearse the scene?

Huh? Were you rehearsing?

Sarel.
-Uh...

I asked you guys to rehearse.
-Yeah...

It wasn't a break.
-Yeah.

If I step out for a sec...

Yeah, it's just...
-This is not okay.

We can't work like this.
Okay, let's do the text.

Let's go. Text.

From where we left off.

Would you mind
if I asked why Bar Refaeli?

She intrigues me.
-She intrigues you?

What has she said lately that...

arouses your curiosity?

I didn't say arouses.
Did I say arouses?

I'd rather you say arouses.
Intrigues?

Prof. Ada Yonath is intriguing,
it's intriguing to hear what she has to say,

but Bar Refaeli?

Great energy, Maya.

Who would you choose?
-That's irrelevant.

Because you're so deep, right?
So let's hear who you'd choose.

Who, David Frost?
-Great, Ofer! -No!

Why not?
You could talk about art, about history,

about fuck knows!
Does it matter what he looks like?

You're so shallow!
-You're shallow!

You're shallow!
-You're shallow!

Text! -"You're shallow,
what do you know about Bar Refaeli?"

That's it, not the whole play.

You're shallow,
what do you know about Bar Refaeli?

Fuck, I keep forgetting
my lines here.

All right, let's stop for a second,
it's okay.

Yes, Itzik, hi.

Now that you're on a break,

I gotta take the couch.
I gotta. Stas.

Wait, no...

Itzik, I'm working with the couch,

I need the couch.
-I know, buddy,

but what can I do?
The Austrian director,

he needs a couch.

I gotta take it.
I'm sorry.

You guys really have
something here...

What?
-Something good. Funny.

Yeah?

Why is he so mad?

Itzik, can I get another couch?

No, but listen, I...

How can I work without a couch?

What can I do?

Here's a couch.

Couch.

Okay, no big deal,
we'll work with chairs.

No, no, no,
I'm not working with plastic chairs,

I'm done.

I'm calling my agent

to tell her
I'm getting treated like shit.

Why should we work
without a couch?

Why without a couch?

What, we don't need a couch?

What a serious face.
-I want you to tell me

if I'm capable of playing
a dramatic lead role

or do you think I'm just a model.
-What happened?

Why didn't you let me play Nina?

Because Groshovsky wanted Alma,
what do you want from me?

I want to know the truth.
-You do? -Yes.

You're not ready
for a dramatic lead role.

Why not?
-You're too pretty, you're not ugly. -What?

So pretty actresses
can't play complex roles?

I can do ugly,
put in some fake teeth.

Anyone can get dressed up
as ugly,

the point is to be ugly.
-I don't understand what you want.

I can be ugly, Vera, you know me.

No, sweetie,
you can be annoying.

You refuse to be ugly.
-What?

You're young and pretty
and you've got money

and whatever you want,
you get it on the spot.

And that's good for life,
but not...

not for drama.

Mayuchka,

you need to go through
a few more things in life, that's all.

How do you know what I've...

What?

Do you know I grew up
in a very tough environment?

My parents were constantly fighting
and they nearly got divorced.

Do you know
that if my father came home

and there wasn't a hot meal waiting for him,
he'd take my mother

outside to stand in the snow?
-Come on, Vera.

I'm not gonna tell you about
the bullying I went through in high school

because all the girls
were jealous of me.

Then I won't tell you about
being called "dirty Jew" in the street

and having a swastika drawn on my bag.
-We're not competing.

And if you think
that in order to play Medea

an actress has to murder her kids,

then you don't understand
what acting is.

But don't you think that actress
should at least be a mother?

Feel in her body what it means.

So get married,
get pregnant, have a baby.

Feel real pain for the first time,

when your body is being torn apart
and no one can help you.

And a human being
comes out of your body

who turns your life into a prison,
but is also...

your most precious thing

and all you want

is for someone to promise you

that you'll die before him.

Mayuchka, an actor that doesn't truly
live life, take risks and gets dirty

is a dead actor.

So take it easy,
it's all good.

Listen, they took my couch,
I don't have a couch.

I can't work.
Too bad you're not here.

Talk to me.

What sensations
does being famous give you?

What sensations? None.

I don't believe it gives any.

Either you exaggerate my fame, or else,

if it exists, all I can say

is that one simply doesn't
feel fame in any way.

But when you read about yourself
in the papers?

If the critics praise me, I am happy,

if they condemn me, I...

I'm a huge fan.

He doesn't speak English, so...

He's a fan of yours.

Thank you.

Was that so urgent to say right now?

I'm sorry,
but I need the couch that...

that you're sitting on.
-What?

He needs the couch
we're sitting on.

You know, this is my couch,
I told you not to take it,

so you went behind my back
and you took it. -No, I asked for a couch,

not your couch,
and this is just what they gave me.

Hey, Kasha,

I don't understand
what's going on.

He's directing a play
in the small auditorium,

this is the couch
for his rehearsals.

Why did they take away
his couch?

Because you asked
to sit on a couch.

I asked for a couch!

Not to mess up another director's rehearsal.
-I'm sorry if...

Where is Vera?

Bring Vera here.

Bring Vera here!

What's going on in this theater?

We didn't ask for a helicopter.

I understand, thank you.

All we asked for is a couch!

For that, a young director
has to stop his rehearsal

and make a scandal during mine?

Really, Vera,
just take the damn couch.

Keep the couch, don't worry,
I'll give him something else.

She'll get him another couch.

Suddenly there's another couch?!

Take the couch.
Take the couch, you okay.

Yes, continue, please, Nina.

What about here?

Gili, stop asking me
every second.

If you're not up to it,
just go home.

Don't take your nerves out
on me, sis.

What now?
Iris, wait for him.

Gili, just go back to the car,

I want to scream by myself.

What if there are snakes here?
No way.

Gili.
-What?

Are girls allowed
to recite the Mourner's Prayer?

I don't think so.

Then no one will recite it for you,
'cause you only have girls.

Why would anyone be reciting it now?
-Not now, but when the time comes,

there won't be anyone to recite it.

Don't worry, I'll manage.
Would you do me a favor?

No, I want you
to go back to the car.

We're not going back to the car.

You may not care, but I really want
someone to recite it for me.

If you don't have a boy,
I'll recite it for you.

You can't, you're a woman,

and you may not have a boy either.

I'll say it for you, okay?
You have my word.

Your word?

You said you were gonna be
a surfer in Hawaii,

you're a geography teacher
in the suburbs!

You're gonna yell right here,
right here.

I'm sorry.
-No sorry.

Go yell.

I don't have all day
to feel sorry for you. Yell.

Go yell.

That's why he left her.

Never mind.

What happened?
-I couldn't do it.

It doesn't matter.
-Come here. Wait.

Come on.

Iris, I yelled.

Good job, Razi.

I yelled too.

What's going on?

Careful.

Ofer, are you going over your lines?

Yeah, listen, Tomer, I'm...

I'm sorry about...
-It's fine.

Really, it's all good. Thanks.
-No problem.

Um...

Wanna go sit and talk about
the character after rehearsal today?

Yeah, I can't, I'm meeting this girl...

Oh...

No, no, no, not at all.

It's not what you think.

Ask me who I'd choose.

I don't get it.
-Ask me who I'd choose to marry. -Oh.

If you had to choose a celebrity,
blah, blah, blah,

who would you choose?

Iris.

Iris who?
-Yeah, yeah, Iris.

Iris?
She's not a celebrity.

I know.
Iris as a metaphor.

Okay, as a metaphor...
she's great.

You understand what I'm saying?
'Cause I'm having

a hard time explaining myself.

Mr. Director.

Don't talk, just listen.

You.
You know what you are?

You're a raisin,

but with the ego
of a watermelon.

You don't exist yet.

You haven't earned the right
to walk around

and cause scandals here, understand?
-Yes... -Good, good.

You have your couch now?
Then there's no reason

your play shouldn't be
a masterpiece.

I'll come next week to see a run-through,
we'll see what you've got.

Where's Iris? Not here?
-No.

Good.

A playwright at rehearsals

is like a whore
staying for breakfast.

Good luck!

To everyone.

Okay, I think that's it for today.

That's it?
-Yeah. I think so.

Hi.
-Hi.

Do you mind if I go in first?
I just really need to...

Unless...
How much do you need?

No, no problem.
-Thank you.

I'll only be a second.

I'll also only be a second,
you know,

I wasn't planning on
taking a shower in there.

So you agree and then
you change your mind?

Okay, it's fine,
you can go in first,

never mind.

Every interaction with you
is just

so much fun.

To ask for the couch
and then to take it anyway

after I told you
you can't take it.

I told you
you can't take the couch.

That's great, thank you.

Did you check
if there's someone inside?

There is.
You can see that it's red.

Okay.

So this is Israel, okay?
The lock is probably broken. -Oh.

It's been red for a year, okay?
There's nobody inside. -Yes.

No! No!

Yeah. I think there's somebody inside.
-Yes, there's somebody inside. -Yeah.

I can actually go pee outside,
I just...

I'm curious, I want to see
who's the guy that's shouting

So you can stay.
-Yeah.

I don't know, it's...

I...

I think...

I think I will go pee outside.
-Okay.

So...

if you can tell me some other time
what he looks like.

Okay.
-Okay.

Hello?

Tomer.
-What's up, Razi?

You don't do that.

What? Where are you?

She's not okay, you know?

She's not okay.
-Razi, where are you?

I wanted to talk to you.
-Tomer, it's not okay.

The subscriber you have dialed
is not available...

Iris!

Iris!

What's wrong with you?

You're not answering.

I was in the shower,
are you nuts?

What are you doing here?

I came to get a few things.
May I?

Yeah.

Anything specific?

My coat, the nice one.

In the box.

You packed a box for me?

Take the whole box.
-What?

I can't, I'm on my bike.

You came to get your things
on your bike?

I didn't come to get my things,
I came to get my coat.

You really gotta pay that.

They'll cut off your electricity.

Don't I get alimony or
some kind of break-up fine?

No, I don't think so.
-Too bad, there should be.

Okay.

I'll be going.

Next time,
let me know when you're coming.

Okay.
You don't answer your phone.

I wasn't at home.

What are all these messages?
-Are you coming in today?

That's just...
-Call me back,

let me know.
-That's just...

Paul Groshovsky is here.
Paul Groshovsky...

Listen, they took my couch...
-What is this?

It's nothing, it's irrelevant.
-I can't work.

Too bad you're not here.
Talk to me.

I don't understand
why you're not answering,

and Razi just called me...
-There's...

I don't know what to think...
-What is this?

I just hope you're...

I'm on my way.
-What's come over you?

Okay, I was worried.
I'm allowed to worry, big deal.

It's not like you
not to answer all day,

Razi called

and I didn't know
what was happening with you.

What could possibly
happen to me?

Maybe you're sick,
maybe you're... I don't know.

You didn't show up.

Did you think
I hurt myself?

Admit that
that's what you thought.

Admit that you thought
I may have killed myself because of you.

That you'd come in here
and see me...

hanging from the ceiling.
Isn't that what you thought?

I don't believe it.

What a narcissistic...

What a narcissistic moron!

You listen to me.
-I get it. -No, you don't get it.

I get it, I get it.
-No, listen, this is important,

not only will I not kill myself,
I'll kill you first.

Your life is in danger, not mine.
-Great.

So if everyone's okay,
everyone's alive,

I'll be going.

Why did you come here?
-Tzutz.

Don't call me Tzutz,
why did you come here?

Do you realize how much strength
it takes to let you go now?

How badly I want to
take off this robe?

Don't take it off.
-But I want to take it off.

Don't take it off.
-But I want to take it off.

Don't take it off.

What do you choose?

To never come here again

or for me to take off my robe?

I don't want to choose.

I really do need you
to die a little.

Don't worry, I will.
-Then hurry up.