Stage Crush (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode 3 - full transcript

I am Nina!
-You're not.

I am Nina!
-Are you done? -Yes.

Come read this comedy,
"One + One,"

Vera...
-And then we'll see.

She will play the lead role.

We don't exactly...

Have the same issues.

Her co-star will be
the one from TV, Ofer Marziano.

Have you signed the contract?
-I can't talk to you looking like this.

Are you in the middle of a show?
-Listen, don't do it, Ofer.

Don't sign.



Maya, they called you.
-I heard!

Move! Vera, I'm not doing the comedy.

I asked around,
nobody's heard of the director.

Bitch.

I'm an actor.
-I know, I know.

I'm gonna do a play here.

What are you suggesting?

That we just be colleagues?

Listen, I love this play.

It's a shame people won't see it,
just because we're... us.

You're such an idiot.

Did she say yes?

Ofer, is this your first time
in the theater?

As an actor, yes.



No, because otherwise
you have season tickets.

So... welcome.
-Thank you.

FYI we don't have catering here,

but you can eat at the cafeteria

for 20% off.

Got it.
-There's coffee, sandwiches,

tuna, cheese...

Or I can recommend local restaurants.
-Listen,

I'm not a tourist, you know.
I live in this city,

I speak the language too.

I'll manage.

Right, of course.

Well, there's a Middle Eastern place
down the road...

-Morning.
-Sorry I'm late. Good morning.

Good morning. Come.
-Morning.

Iris, come.

We're starting rehearsals for
"One + One"

Written by the... wonderful Iris.

This is exciting.
We've waited a long time for this

and we're thrilled
that you're with us.

Forgive me, it drives me crazy,
but I smell dogshit.

Do you? -Oh yeah.
-Not really.

Please, let's check our shoes.

Maybe...

Ah, it's me.

Me.

My bad.
-Want me to take your shoes?

No, that's OK.

Guys, I want to do it
differently today.

Let's skip the table read.
-Want some wet wipes?

You can clean it with sand.
-What?

Sand...
-Guys, leave it,

It's fine.

We'll leave the table read for later.
-Why?

Why later?
One sec...

Sarel, help me here please.

I want to skip the first scene

and start with the second.

Sounds good.
-I think so too.

It's OK.
The first scene is...

An exposition.
-Exactly.

Let's do something more... dynamic,

with more action,
so we can really dive in.

That way

we'll get to better know the couple.

Great. Thanks, Maya.

Right, so stand here,
facing the mirror.

Here? -You're preparing to leave.
Ofer, you're by the door,

you want to go.

This is our couch for today.

Iris, wanna sit over there?
You'll be more comfortable.

OK.
-And that's it. Let's...

Let's do it...

let's do it
and see how it goes.

Please: scene two, page twelve.

Excuse me a second.

Sorry.

Pick your foot up.

Sorry.
-What?

Sorry, I'm a bit OCD.

What's "a bit OCD"?
You have OCD? -What?

You have OCD?

Have you been diagnosed?

No, but these things drive me crazy.

Totally, me too...

I just can't rehearse.
-Yes.

But no OCD.
-No.

A bit.

Let's begin, scene 2.

Come on, let's go.
-Tzutz.

What?
-You think I gained weight?

We're gonna miss
the beginning.

Come on. -Wait.
-What?

I can't go like this,
my jeans don't fit.

Tzutz, I really wanna go,

why are you stalling?

You think this is on purpose?

Why can't we just go? Why?

Because...
-Because your jeans don't fit?

Because I have a beard.

What?

What are you on about?
-I saw it in the mirror,

I'm growing a beard
like my mum.

I don't get it,
if you don't wanna see the show,

then don't.

Why can't you just say I'm pretty?

Why does it have to be
right now?

It's not like you suddenly have
a massive beard.

It's not like you got fat
in the last five minutes.

So you do see it!
-No, I don't.

Jeez, what a mistake!

The second you spoke about weight,
I should've grabbed your ear

and dragged you out.

We should never stand by the door
for more than two minutes,

it's a danger zone,
I know that!

He takes the keys...

What?

Just say you don't wanna go.

I don't wanna go.
-Fine. Bye.

He opens the door and leaves.

Leaves.

Then comes right back.
-I return? -Yes.

I'm sorry, I'm an idiot.

Thank you. Let's stop.
That was great.

Let's stop here.
-The beard thing doesn't work,

I'd rather not say it, Tomer.

Why, it's weird?

It's idiotic.

I'd rather say
"mustache" instead.

OK, let's try.
-Wait a sec.

Please change from "beard"
to "mustache".

OK.
-Ofer, you're standing on the wall.

Wait, who said it doesn't work?

Let's try something else for a sec.
"Home soon. Come over."

I'll tell you why it doesn't work.

Go on...

When you write comedy,
it doesn't have to be far-fetched.

OK, Maya...
-Iris, learn to listen.

No one can imagine
a beard on a woman,

it's too weird.
If it's unrelatable, it's not funny.

What woman has a beard?
You should've written mustache.

I have a beard.
-What?

I have a beard.
-No you don't.

Don't say that out loud.
-But I do.

Not a full beard,
and I take care of it, it's...

You don't have a beard.
-I do.

She doesn't have a beard.
Let's move on.

Let's try "mustache", OK?
-Yes. -Fine.

"Mustache" instead of "beard".
-Changed it.

Use a pencil, not a pen.

Ofer, you're standing on the wall.
-What? -The wall.

See the tape? That's a wall.
-Babe, it's a wall.

All that is a wall.

I just want to remind you
that the whole point of the scene

is the beard.

Five hairs on her chin
and she feels like an ape

and he's not helping
by not saying that she's pretty.

I know.
-That's the point. -OK.

But maybe the "beard" is too creepy

and gets in the way of the comedy.

That's fine, maybe not every comedy
is funny.

What?

Fine, I've decided
we're saying "mustache".

Except I wrote the play,
so I decide too, got it?

Excuse us.
Come with me.

Sorry.

"Stay put. I'm coming."

You think it's funny?

What? This?

Yeah.

Listen, boss,

I'm outta here by noon, OK?

Tell me,

is Weizman Street open now?

Your sister's in the hospital again?

The same one?
-Huh?

How is she?

She's such a sweetheart.

Yes, but what's wrong with her?

We're waiting.
They don't know.

Got it.

I hope she feels better.

Please allow me to
run the rehearsal.

I'm letting you...
-Keep it down.

But don't dismiss me
in front of everyone.

You're not on my side.
-I am.

No you're not.

It's hard for me, the text is...

Stop shushing me!

Fine.

Can't you just tell me later
what's bothering you?

Unfortunately for you, the playwright
isn't dead, -I can see that.

Then please consult with me
before you change my text.

OK. Come here a sec.

Give me a Xanax.

Take it.

It's empty.

I guess I took the last one.
-Why?

Because I'm not your pharmacist!

You want pills?
Get your own prescription, got it?

Tomer,
Ofer says he's leaving at noon.

I'm coming.

Fix your socks
so you don't trigger her OCD.

We're back.

Let's move on from the beard.

Yes, no biggie,
it's just written badly. -Right.

Let's go with "I have a mustache".

Let's go from "I have a mustache".
-No, no,

I'm sorry. -Seriously?
-Guys,

we're not in the '90s, everyone knows
women have upper-lip hair.

Iris, how about you write that she has
a horn growing too?

I told you, I have a beard.
-She has a beard?

She doesn't...
Can you stop saying

that you have a beard?
You don't have...

It's not a beard. -I do.
-It's a single hair,

not a beard.
-It's gross.

Listen, I have an idea,

Maya, say,
"I have hairy armpits",

let's see if it works.

What's to see?

"I have hairy armpits"?

I've had hairy armpits
since I was six. Enough.

She doesn't wanna go
because of hairy armpits?

So I should never leave the house?

How about I say
I have cellulite?

No, no, guys, no,

no cellulite.
I want this to be about

the little beard she's growing,

just like many women,
except Maya.

Stop it, everyone has cellulite.
-Not everyone,

but it's funny, it will work.

And I'm sure you can relate.

You don't have cellulite?
-Nope.

Tzutz...
-Don't call me Tzutz.

You don't have to answer.

Guys, we can try cellulite
and then mustache...

This is theater,
it doesn't cost to try.

"I have a mustache",
then "I have cellulite".

Ofer, you're standing on the wall.

What do you want from me?

Tell me, do you have pubic hair?
-Iris...

No? Nipple hair?

What am I, a baboon?
You have nipple hair?

Me? No.

Let's stop with the nonesense.

Are your feet twisted so they can

fit in heels?

This is stupid.

She's doing it on purpose.

What do you want me to say?

She's nuts.

Have you ever dieted?
-Yes.

Thank god!

To gain weight.
I was underweight at school,

too skinny.

Are you kidding?

She's screwing around.

Breathe. -Listen...
-Get some water.

She's lying.

She's doing it on purpose, she's lying.

OK?

Shall we move on?

Right... well...

Obviously, this woman
isn't right for the role.

She can't

relate to someone
who can't fit in their jeans

or feels shitty
in front of a mirror

or whose boyfriend
doesn't call her pretty.

She can't relate,

she can't even pretend.

It's so unimaginable for her,
like I kept saying.

So tell Ms. Vera to come
and look at her perfect ass

and tell me
she's right for the part.

Right, I don't need this bullshit,

I'm not taking
this role anyway,

This was just a favor
until I start rehearsals for "The Seagull."

Sorry, Tomer,
I felt bad telling you.

Good luck.
-Thanks.

Let's take... five minutes?

Ofer, take five.

Thanks. -Tomer,
can I go to the restroom? -Yes.

It's urgent.

Yes, Ofer?

You think...
we're done for today?

I don't...
I don't really know.

You have to go, right?

Yeah, no, it's...

my sister's in the hospital...

for a while now.
-I see.

What... what's wrong with her?
-We're waiting.

We don't know.

So, then...

if you have to go, then go.

No... if you need me, I'll stay.

I'd appreciate it if you could stay
while we figure this out. Thanks.

You're the director,
whatever you need. -Thanks.

If...

if I could leave now,

it would help.

So... whatever you need.

No, you're the director...
whatever you need.

I...

I need.

OK.
-OK.

What?

Whatever you need.

I'll make coffee.
Want coffee? -No, thanks.

Come with me a sec.
Come.

This is our chance to get rid of her.

Seriously...
-What?

Don't you get it?

We have no play without them.

They're the only reason our
play was greenlit.

Or maybe because it's a good play?
-Yeah, sure.

Yesterday I saw episodes
19 and 20

of "Love Under Fire",

with the Spam scene.

It was hilarious.

Did you really eat Spam
or was it something else?

I think it was bolognese,
I don't remember.

Karina, remind her I'm waiting.

I did, it'll be a little longer.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm...

I'm really sorry.

Tomer, there's no need
to apologize...

No, there is a need.

Leave it, it's not about ego.
-Maya, let me.

It was uncalled for.
And you're so amazing,

professional, serious.
-OK.

And you're talented, obviously.

You didn't deserve what happened.
-That's right.

I'll make sure rehearsals
run differently from now on,

maybe she'll come less
to rehearsals,

or not at all. We'll see.

Tomer,

you're a great guy,

and although I haven't
seen your work yet

and we don't know
how far you'll get,

but if you get there,

I'm sure we'll work together again.

OK.

Iris also has something to say.
-Tomer...

-No, it's important.

Guys, this is embarrassing.
-I...

apologize

for my behavior.

It's fine, I'm used to this attitude
from women.

I don't think that's what it is.
-OK.

I think maybe I'm...

I'm excited by...

this new project, so I...
-Of course.

I know how much this play means to you,
it's your baby.

I know you see yourself
in the play through me.

And if I were to do this role,

I'd really become your character.

I'd study you, research you...

I'd gain as much weight
as needed and...

do your hair and these...

But that's not gonna happen.

I'm doing Nina,
I'm going in to see Vera now about it.

Sorry.

OK. Good luck.

We made it only one day. One.

"Tzutz,"

"I really wanna go,
why are you stalling?"

"Tzutz, I really wanna go,"

"why are you stall..."

"Tzutz, I really wanna go,"

"why are you stalling?"

Want some coffee?
I'm making some.

No, no. -You know, without
three strong coffees,

I can't wake up.
-Oh yeah?

Maya's difficult, right?

Ofer,

did you...

send me a dick pic?

What?

I got a photo from your number

of a dick.

Fuck...

Is it yours?
-I'm so embarrassed.

Why did you send me a dick pic?
-I didn't send it to you.

It was a mistake,
I can't believe this happened.

It's OK. -Delete it.
-Of course.

It was meant for my doctor.

What? -My urologist.

Why does a urologist need
a picture of your dick?

I have a mole
that he's keeping an eye on.

Fuck... -A mole?
So you need a dermatologist.

No, it's a urologist.
In my contacts...

he's saved as Ira the urologist.

That's right before Iris.

That's why...

You mixed them up.
-I'm so sorry,

I can't believe this happened.
-It's OK.

It's not OK, Iris, it's awful.

As awful as it gets. -No it isn't.
-Promise me.

Of course, of course.
-Please.

It was just...
-Of course!

You promise?
-Of course.

I won't tell anyone.

How embarrassing.

So it wasn't meant for me?

No.
No, no.

OK.

I'm sorry. -Fine.

It's fine.

Hey, girl.
-Hi, darling.

Invite me to your show.

Yeah? Sure thing.
-Great.

Listen,
you won't believe it.

I got Nina.

What?

The Austrian director,
Grushovsky, loves me.

He gave me Nina
from "The Seagull."

Crazy, right?

What? You want the part?

Come on...

You wanted Nina?

No.

Seriously! I'm sorry, shit.

Listen, it's nothing.

He saw my picture
and decided he wants a 'modern' Nina.

He's never seen me act.

It's nothing, just a trend.

I'm the "new woman",
representing all sizes.

It's not about talent.

Now it's oversized women,

before it was Asians, black women.

It'll come back to...

blondes.

It's a cycle.

OK?
-Yes, I...

it's fine.
-Yeah? OK.

See you on the bus?

Where are we today?
-North.

Damn.
Sorry.

Well, princess,
are you coming or what?

Vera is waiting.

Yes?

What's this about panels?

What panels?

I requested panels
to indicate walls.

But the floor is marked.

Yes, but Ofer has a hard time
telling the wall from the door.

Where there's a wall, is a wall,

and a door is a door.

We get it, guys,

panels are the least of our problems.

A crisis?
-Yes.

Already?

Yes.

Shame. It's a good play.

You read the play?
-Why not?

No...

I always do.

It's good, funny,
a hit. -Thanks.

So, you're really a couple?

We were for five years...

Not anymore.
-Not anymore.

Not anymore.
-Did that scene really happen?

What was the concert?

What? -It says in the play that
you went to a concert.

Oh, Sting, but no,
I didn't go.

"Roxanne..."

Sting is the best!
And you didn't go?

Let's do this.

I'm willing to give it
another shot.

Bravo. -Great.

Hallelujah.

Awesome.
Thanks, Maya.

Sarel, get Ofer, please.

Right, let's use the time
we have left productively.

Let's start where we left off.
-What's the line? I don't care.

"I have a mustache."
-Thank you.

We're continuing?
-Yes.

Ofer, just don't stand on the wall.

Get off my back.
-Leave him alone.

From where?
-From... show me,

from...

"Just say you don't wanna go."

Just say you don't wanna go.
-I don't wanna go.

Fine. Bye.

And come back.

Sorry, Tzutz, I...

I'm sorry,
I'm an idiot.

I'm the idiot. Sorry, Tzutz.
-No, no,

I want to stay with you
and your beard

"Mustache".
-Your mustache and chill.

OK, hold on.
Ofer, why did you come back?

I don't know.
Because...

I love her.

No, because...

I won't enjoy the concert without her.

You would though, right?

Listen man, I...

I'm no Jack Nicholson, OK?

I roll with it but if it's not working

just replace me.
-Wait...

It's all good.
-Ofer, you're excellent,

listen a sec.

You were excited for the concert,
bought tickets

two months in advance?
Why not go? Why come back?

Because that's what the text says.
-OK, come.

He takes the keys.
-What?

He takes the keys.
-Keys. -We got it.

He's right,
we took the keys,

and left.
OK, bye.

What?

So, you're standing here

and you know
that if you go back in

you'll regret it
for the rest of your life,

so why do you go back?

Your directing's confusing...
-No, no,

Why do you go back?

I should leave her alone?

She's having a crappy day,
her jeans don't fit.

Good! Why didn't she try
on the jeans earlier?

Why try them only now?

Why not
tell her she's pretty?

Let's tell her she's pretty,

she'll come out, end of story.
-No, no,

we're not slaves to her manipulations.
Understand?

She can't ruin this
because she's self centered,

there are other people in the world.
So why go back?

Because she ruined it.
-Exactly.

And if you go now
you'll be thinking about her,

so why go?

Might as well not.
-Exactly.

Now, listen,

go back, because
that's what she wrote, OK?

But when you go back,
look her in the eye and say

you're a bad person...
-Wait, is that a new line?

What?
-No, I just...

I need it...
-No, no.

I need it to be written.

No, no.
-It's OK.

Boss, I need...
-Ofer, leave it.

I'll say it,
but I need it written down.

The same lines, thank you.

Tell her, "I love you."
What's the line?

"I want to stay with you
and your mustache." -Thanks.

You say the words,

while your eyes say,
"You're a bad person and I'm mad at you."

With my eyes.
-Exactly.

That's the subtext.
-Yes. -OK?

Words, "I love you,"

eyes,
"I can't stand you."

"I can't stand you."

"And because you want me
to tell you you're pretty,"

"I'll never say it."

"And you know why the jeans won't fit?"

"Because you eat pita bread at night,
that's the truth." Got it?

OK? And then go in.

Not through the wall.

That's it, get up and
show me where the wall is.

Where's the wall?
Is this a wall?

I want to see where the wall is.
-Ofer...

No, Tomer, is this a wall?

This is a wall. -And this?
Also a wall? -Ofer...

Is this a wall?
-Also...

And this must be a window.

What do I see if I open the window?

Maybe another wall.
-Ofer.

I want a socket.

To charge my phone.

Where's the socket?
-Ofer, Ofer...

Then stop it, OK?
-Ofer...

Tomer, sorry.
-Alright.

That's why I wanted panels.
-Sarel, drop it.

He doesn't need...
-Sarel, stop.

That's why I...
-Leave me alone.

It's hard as it is...
-Guys, enough!

Tomorrow there will be a wall!
Enough.

Let's call it a day, OK?

We're all tired, it was...
quite a day.

Come, let's do something to
finish the day off.

Come.

Iris, you too.
Sarel, you too.

Let's do an exercise.

That shows we're

in it together.
It'll be good for us.

I'm sure it's familiar,
but let's do it anyway.

Maya, you're with me.

Great, turn around.

Yes.

Let's do a fresh start.

Close your eyes.

On three fall back

straight into my arms.

Trust me to catch you, OK?

One, two...

Wait, wait!

I didn't say "three".

Shit...
-Oh no.

Do we have a first aid kit?

I'll check.
Yes, I'll get it.

Am I bleeding?
-I didn't say "three".

No, you're not.

Just a small bump.

I didn't say "three".
I said, "one, two".

No, you didn't, she...

You'll be fine.
-It hurts.

It hurts now, but it'll pass.

Get in, I'll take you.
-Huh?

I'll take you home.

No, I'll take the bus, thanks.

Stop it, get in.

I'll take the bus.
-Let me take you home.

We'll talk about how we
can work together.

I don't think you need to be
there every day.

OK...

And how will I know if
you make changes that I won't like?

I'll tell you.

Sarel will write down
the changes

and email you
after every rehearsal.

So when can I see a rehearsal?

You want to set days...
every other weekend?

You're gonna miss the turn.

Where are you going?

It's fine.

What's fine? You're...

gonna miss the...

Tzutz, turn here!
Turn here.

We've left the city,
it's a huge detour now.

You're making the
biggest mistake of your life.

What?
-Are you seeing someone?

Did you just kidnap me?

Answer me.
-Are you nuts? What is this?

Well?

What "well"? No,
I'm not seeing anyone,

when was I supposed to meet someone?

Then you're going to be
a slick bachelor.

I won't be a slick bachelor.
-Why not?

You're at that age.

You'll roam the city,
look for "the one"

like you have zero responsibilities,

until it's not exciting anymore

and you'll forget
how to be in a relationship,

grow old and die alone.

Please take the next exit.
-You'll want me again

but I won't want you.
-Got it.

I won't wait for you.
-Got it!

Are you stopping here?

You can't stop here.

You think you're gonna leave me?
Do you?

You think you're gonna
throw me back into

that shit with all those
sad people and Tinder

and dick pics
they send to each other?

Do you know what's going
on out there?

Tzutz!

Please drive,
take the next exit,

I want to go home.
-Which home?

To your mother?
-You can't stop here.

Can I say what I think is going on?

You're asking for my permission?
You've kidnapped me...

I think... Tzutz,

that the kid thing freaked you out.
That's all.

So maybe you're not ready for a kid,

and that's OK. I'll wait.

You don't listen,
you never listen.

What?

I'm not sure I love you.

I heard.

And...

And you're talking nonsense.

You're not sure, I am, that's it.

I'm telling you that you love me.
It's on me.

Don't be sure,
I'm sure for you.

You're so confused that
you can't even recognize love.

So I'm telling you:
this is love!

Babe, this is love.
This is what it feels like.

OK, but I'm...

not sure this is how love feels.

OK, prove you don't love me.

What?
-You can't prove it.

I have proof. You make me
a sandwich when I'm hungry,

you love to read everything I write,

and you answer my dad's calls
instead of me.

That's it. Nothing more.

There are so many couples that
are wrong for each other

but they still stick together,

and we're breaking up?
Why?

Why are you forcing me
to market myself?

Tzutz, I need space, OK?

To get some perspective.
-Why? Why?

Tzutz, do me a favor,

help me break up with you!
-I want to help you,

but there's nothing in it for me!

What a mistake!

What a mistake!

You were so young when we started dating.

I'm your age. -Yes,
but I'm your first serious girlfriend.

Who was before me,
the camp counselor?

You were half virgin before me.

Is it my fault
you were with 100 men?

I wasn't with 100 men.

What am I...
A whore?

You did, you had tons.

Can you trust me a second?

I'm telling you, from experience,

you got it right the first time.

You hit the jackpot.

You know? You and I...

Tzutz, we're meant to be.

Tzutz...

I need to feel it for myself.

You telling me isn't enough.

You're really breaking my heart.

I know.

I love you so much.

I know.

Thank you.
-What?

What "thank you"?

What "thank you"!?

This isn't charity!
"Thank you..."

I gave you my most fertile years.

You idiot, I wanted a child.

I know.

Yes, I knew too.