Stage Crush (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode 2 - full transcript

Let's hide.
-What?

Let's hide.

No one will find us here,

and we won't have to do anything, ever.
-Great idea.

Excuse me,

I need you for a moment,
it's urgent.

We have the play,
we'll let you know.

You knew about "The Seagull"?
-Yes.

And didn't think to tell me?

I can't imagine

not getting this part.
I'll die.



Nina in Chekhov's "The Seagull,"

it's the role of a lifetime.
It's 'IT'.

Shut the fuck up already.
-What?

I can't stand her,

why did she barge in on us?

I think we need couples' therapy.

What's so funny?
-What's therapy got to do with it?

It helps lots of couples.

Tell me what you want
out of this relationship.

Three, two, one...

I want a baby.
-I want to break up.

Listen, I need some air,

I need to clear my head
and figure out who I am without you.

"Loved your play! Call us
so we can proceed."



Dor, come help me.

Are you following me?
-Vera, I want to talk to you.

Either you're filming
or you're pregnant.

I'm getting married.
-Congratulations.

Mind if I get out of the car?
-Oh, sorry.

Sorry.
-What did I tell you about getting married?

Marry into money.
-Right.

Because I won't support your children.

But have a kid,
it won't leave you, a husband will.

OK.
-But not at the same time as Elinor,

don't leave me without actresses.
-OK.

Get pregnant,
but take turns.

Is it true, Vera?

We're putting on "The Seagull"?

What's in it for me?

If we're doing "The Seagull,"
I want to play Nina.

And I want someone
to give the theater half a billion.

How about that?
-That's it,

it's my turn now. You know it.

And don't even think

of casting someone else.
-Oh, the back-up dancer wants to sing?

Makes me feel like
offering the part to Elinor...

You know, I got a scholarship for doing
Nina's monologue at school.

Morning, Tali.
-Hi, Tali.

Show me yesterday's numbers.
-With pleasure.

I'll see how pleasant they are.

"Family Dinner",
full house.

"Salt of the Earth",
full house both times.

This crap actually sells.

"Richard II",
one quarter full.

Shakespeare in this place
is like lipstick on a pig.

Tali, no more freebies,
everyone pays. Everyone.

Of course, we always...
-Good.

Remind the girls.

Do you know what it would mean
for us to do Chekhov?

I'm putting on "The Seagull"
because I still remember

where I came from
and why I run a theater.

But there's a greater demand
for hemorrhoids.

So, because I love you,

I'm giving you the lead in
a new comedy.

You'll kiss my feet when you make
enough money for a new house.

I don't want it,
I want to be Nina.

You're as stupid as a cow
standing in front of a train.

Why did I come to this theater?

I told my agent,

no more TV and teen shows,

I'm aiming for quality roles.

Vera, I came here to do the lead roles.
Period.

I am Nina!

You're not.
-I am Nina.

You're not.
-I am Nina!

Done?
-Yes.

Good.
Nina is for someone who's depressed,

morbid, and always wanting
what she doesn't have.

You're pretty, happy, rich,
you're getting married.

You have everything you want.

What do you need this for?

Come read this comedy,
"One + One,"

I think you'll love it.

Vera, I'm not just anyone.

And then we'll see, OK?

Come here. (in Russian)

Pretty, pretty girl.

You're great in...

"Love Under Fire."

Thanks.
You're from marketing?

No, I'm a director.
-Great. Good luck.

Thanks.

Excuse me?

Excuse me,

Iris, the woman I was
with last time,

did she say if she's coming?

Don't know.

OK, thanks.

She's here.

Hey.

Hi.

She's busy, so we have a few minutes
to figure out what to tell her.

Great.

How you doing?

Great.

Good, good.

Yes. Truth is...

I'm great.

And you?

I'm very...

Also, you know...

What?

You know... it's weird,

but I'm fine.

Good.

Excited.

Yeah, it's an opportunity...
-No, I mean,

we left here feeling shitty,

and it turns out...
you never know.

I want you to see this,
before we go in,

I put together some stuff...

all sorts of ideas
and references,

to put us in the right
headspace for the meeting.

So for the stage I'm thinking...

make it like our apartment.

And the actors, can wear pyjamas.

It's a new concept I had.

I like it.
-What's with the shirt?

What?
-What's with the shirt?

I slept at my mom's.

I didn't take any clothes,

so I took her shirt.
Do I look stupid?

Where's Vera?
I want to talk to her.

Unbelievable!

Amateurs.

Fucking amateurs!

I want to talk to Vera now!

She's in a meeting...

Bring her out!

I've been on this stage for 28 years,
and my son...

has to pay for a fucking ticket?

He grew up in this theater!

I changed his diapers backstage!

Who asked him to pay?

Who was selling tickets?
-They told us,

no more freebies.
-Who's they?

Don't you have a mind of your own?

What's going on? Are you crazy?
Shlomo!

My son came
to his father's theater...

Shlomo!
-They didn't recognize him,

and he had to pay!
-Come here.

Does that make sense to you?

-Shlomo...
-Don't Shlomo me.

Shlomo.
-Don't Shlomo me.

Shlomo...
-Don't Shlomo me.

Come with me.
-I'm not going on today, you hear me?

You've all completely lost it.
-All right.

I've performed with the greats...
-Shlomo...

when you couldn't speak our language...

Come with me.
-Not a single word!

Karina, go refresh yourself.

You're here for me?

The new comedy, of course.

Listen,

you'll have to wait.

I have to calm down a great actor.

Karina, get them coffee.

Right, never mind.
Let's just do this,

and then you can watch the play.
It's our biggest hit.

Welcome to the theater.

The box office girls
are idiots.

They didn't recognize him.

He said he's my son.

Shlomachka.
-Don't Shlomachka me.

That's my cue. Move!

Oh, darling.

My darling.

Father.

My dear father,
I will do anything you say...

It can be a madhouse here.

It's been a crazy week.
-Yeah, we also... had a crazy week.

But he's terrific,

I saw him in "Richard III"
when I was...

Back to business,
let's draw up your contract,

before you get
any notions of grandeur.

You'll get an advance,

royalties, the usual.

Now let's talk art.

Casting.
Come.

She will play the lead role.

He's smart, from a fine family.
Speaks Latin and Greek.

Who?
-Nadia Comaneci, who? Maya!

Maya Guttman?

Up to you,
but you have to be blind or an idiot

not to cast her.

But you're the so-called "director."
-No...

What's a "director"?
There are no more real "directors".

I...
-Let me finish.

The point is, I can sniff out potential
from a mile away,

and you have it.
I saw your fringe play,

and it was special.
-Thanks.

Out of all the nonsense you did,

and the cluttered stage,
whoever did that set

should have his fingers cut off,

your directing sparkled for a moment.
Sometimes that's enough.

I think that casting Maya

is a wonderful idea.
-What?

No.

She's not who we...

had in mind.

Who did you have in mind?

What?
-Who did you have in mind?

Look, Maya will have to play... me.

We don't exactly...

Have the same issues.

What issues do you have?

It's probably obvious,

but this play is about us,
our relationship.

You're a couple?

Dammit. (in Russian)

We're not a couple.

Not anymore.

Move!

Vera, I'm not doing the comedy.

I asked around,
nobody's heard of the director.

We're finally doing Chekhov and
you want me to do a comedy?

No way.

Father? Father...

Don't worry, she'd love to do your play.

She's beautiful, graceful,
but not for Chekhov.

Your comedy is good for her
and for you.

Her co-star will be
the one from TV,

Ofer Marziano.

After we sell 400 shows,

and you'll have money
to fix your teeth, which you should,

everyone will remember my words.

I know how to make
our audience happy.

We bring television to theater
and theater to television,

and everyones happy.

Excuse me a sec, sorry.

Wait up, where are you going?

I have to pick my mom up
from the club.

You have tons of time. Wait.

I didn't know what to tell her
so I said we're not a couple.

All right? OK?

I'm sorry,
I wasn't going to start explaining...

What?

Do you realize
our dream is coming true?

Don't you get it?

Why did we play pretend at winning
the theater awards all the time

if you're giving up on it now?

You worked on this play for two years.
Two years!

Why did you tell Vera
that Maya's a good idea?

You sold us out.
-Fine, so my ambition...

got the better of me. I'm sorry.

Who did you have in mind?

I don't know, but not Maya Guttman
or... Ofer Marziano.

They got nothing in
common with us.

No problem, I'll tell Vera

that I want someone else.
-OK. -Really, it's fine.

I'll say I want other actors,

but let's think of some names,
so we don't look stupid.

Who do you want?

Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman.

Done.

Gimme a sec, I'll call Meryl.

Let's see if she's in.

Tzutz, when are you coming home?

Tzutz?

Are you coming home?
Now?

Enough with the silence!
Are you coming home? Answer me.

No, I'm not coming home
with you now. No.

So I don't understand,

what are you saying?

That we just be colleagues?

I don't know.
-So think.

You want us to rehearse every day,

and you'll offer constructive
criticism?

We'll look at the set,
that looks like our home,

the actors playing us.

Then you'll go to your place
and I'll go to mine?

I don't know. I didn't think
that far.

You bring Meryl Streep
and Dustin Hoffman,

and I'll do the play.
Otherwise,

don't call me.

Where's Vera?
Did she leave?

Maya, you're back on in four minutes.

Genadi, set change.
The bed!

"Send me a pic"

I don't believe this... Ofer.

What is she thinking?

Why are you here?

For the new play?
-Nice...

Karina, is she here?

No, not right now...

Have you signed the contract?
-I can't talk to you looking like this.

Are you in the middle of a show?
-Listen,

don't do it, Ofer.

They're just using us,
it's a shit play

and we shouldn't do it.

Did you read the play?

Is it like...
"Oh, the gods?"

Some ancient Greek theater?
-No,

it's not "Oh, the gods."

'Oh, the gods' runs for
twenty shows and closes.

This is an original comedy,

which will be a mega-hit
and run forever.

Have you ever been in a hit play?

Maya to the stage.

Maya to the stage.
-Huh?

No, I haven't done theater.
Wasn't that for you?

It means we get in a van at four
every morning for a year

and spend two weeks in one shit hole,
two weeks in another,

another two in god knows where.
All for minimum wage.

So don't sign.

Maya, they called you.
-I heard!

Theater is shit. There's no money,
no perks, no catering.

Bye, don't sign.

Maya, Maya, to the stage.

"A Whore Named Louise"

Hello?

Listen, I'm out.

Where are you?
-At the theater,

but I'm not signing.

It's shit, you hear me?
It's exploitation.

They want to make a killing
off our asses.

You should've told me the truth.

What a mistake,
I should've come.

It doesn't matter,
I'm not signing.

Anyway, I hate theater.

Everyone's wearing
mustaches and wigs.

Remember why you need it?
Do you?

Efi...

No, Ofer,
I want to hear you say it.

Tell me, I want to hear.

Because I was fired from
"Love Under Fire."

Right. And no one
wants to work with you.

So quit playing games.
-I know...

I don't think you do.

I say your name,
they hang up on me.

After what you did, be grateful
you got anything.

Get in there and sign.

Are you there?

Yes, I'm here.

Ofer, you're panicking,

calm yourself down, relax.

Do some pushups,
whatever works for you, OK?

"they're off, now what?"
-"show me" -"no way"

Bitch.

"should I bend over?"

Hello.

You know...
I'm a huge fan.

Thank you.
-I bet everyone says that, but I really...

I grew up on you.

Thank you.
-Thank YOU.

What are you doing here?

I'm an actor.
-I know, I know.

I'm gonna do a play here.
-Oh yeah?

You know, when I was six... or five,

my mom worked like crazy,
bless her,

my piece of shit dad left...
never mind,

she used to sit me down... -Yes?
-With a plate of food,

turned on "Pini the Cop"
and that's it.

You were like my babysitter.

You watched over me.

Don't work here.
It's not worth it.

Why?
-I'm telling you.

If you can,
change careers.

Go into real estate, High-Tech,
anything else.

There's no money in theater.
Never was really,

but at least there was
some respect in it.

They spit in your face
and shit on your head.

No one gives a damn about you.

No one.

Shlomo, to the stage.
Shlomo, to the stage now.

Fuck this theater.

Shlomo, to the stage!

You're not going?

Let them wait.

Come with me.

Shlomo, to the stage!

I repeat, Shlomo, to the stage.

Look.

You see row six?
You see?

The girl with the glasses.

Behind her there are three men.

The middle one is my son.
Watch him.

I'll be right back.

Oh, Monsieur!
How is your handwriting?

My handwriting?
-Your handwriting. Is it clear?

Unclear and ugly.

A doctor then. Great!

How's your mood in general?

My mood?
-In general.

Calm, relaxed, happy?

Not calm and not happy

and if you keep asking,
it'll become bad.

A doctor. Great!

Did he laugh?

He was in stitches.
-So he laughed?

I said he was in stitches.
-My son, I'm crazy about him.

Such a good kid...

See you.

"I'm bending over.
Now what?"

"Ofer?"

They make you come all the way,

can't they send it to me on the app?

You know why they do that?
-So I won't get it, that's why.

Exactly.

When are you coming back?

I'm not.
-Stop it, don't say that.

Excuse me?
Forgive me for interrupting.

I'm a big fan.

If you're a fan,
then you're not interrupting.

My name is Tomer,
I'm a director,

I'm going to direct a play here soon.
-Really?

Do you have a part for me?

I wish, but no.

It's for a young couple.

A comedy.
-A comedy?

You know how many comedies
we've done together?

"I've been a doctor all my life,"

"and still can't find where to stick an enema."

"I'll show you how to aim an enema,"

"And you'll show me the
caliber of the catheter."

I've seen it, it's Hanoch Levin.
-"Beheading."

You were in it together,
I saw it twice.

Why is it about a young couple?
Make it an older couple.

Rewrite it.

Come on Ezra, who wants to see
an old couple making out?

Everyone, what are you talking about?

People want us to reminisce
about how things were.

Wouldn't you want to see
Rivkaleh and I kissing

and making out?
-Are you insane?

Wouldn't it be nice?

That good for nothing loser.
He's nothing without you.

He's using your talent
to build his career.

You don't need him. What, for a child?
Who needs him for a child?

We can have a child together.
-You wanna have sex with me, mom?

Shut up, idiot.
What, you need a man to have a baby today?

We'll get sperm from a gay man
and make a kid.

Idiot.
What a sourpuss.

Sss...
-"Sss"? What "sss"?

What's your problem?

Sighing.
-I'm not sighing.

Yes you are.
-Enough. Know when it's over.

From our first date
you've been counting down

for it to be over.

Maybe it's not about ending things,

but figuring them out?
-Impossible.

Fine.
-Impossible.

I don't want to talk to you about this.

Because the truth annoys you?
-Yes, fine.

Fine then, fine.

Sweetheart,

a husband isn't family, he's a stranger.

You can see a movie with him,
laugh with him, sleep with him,

but don't take him too seriously.

Leave it, you're driving.

Who is it?

Is it Tomer?

Mom.
-What do you care?

Read it to me.

Read me what he wrote!

Stop it, you're yelling like a junkie!

Mother!

"Tzutz..."
What a stupid name.

"I'm at the theater, I can't give up.
Come here, you won't regret it."

You'll regret it.

You're going?

You think I'm stupid?

He won't come back to you.
-Fine.

You don't care about the play,
you just want him back,

but he won't come back
and you'll be left crying.

Hey. Thanks so much for coming.

What's so urgent?
Five messages?

I want to show you something.
Take a seat.

What?
-Really.

Go ahead.

Tzutz, get me the cashews.

There aren't any cashews.
I finished them yesterday.

So get something else from the fridge.
-There's nothing in the fridge.

Go check.
-I don't have to, I remember.

From top to bottom,

batteries, Bengay, ginger.

Bottom shelf, butter.

The one next to it is empty.
And the other one has

a half bottle of Zero.

Should we order in?
-Got any cash?

The ATM ate my card.
-How come?

Why do you think?

Because I have too much money, Tzutz.

I thought maybe you forgot the pin.
-I remembered the pin just fine.

I forgot I had no money.

So what are we eating?

What do you mean?

At some point we're
gonna have to get off the couch.

Let's hide.
-What?

Let's hide,
no one will find us here.

Great idea.

How long do we hide?

As long as it takes.

Until they find two skeletons

and our headstones will say:

"Died because they didn't want
to get off the couch."

It's actually romantic.

Bravo!

Thank you. Thank you.

Did we get the part?

We'll let you know.
-Good luck, darling.

And to you, sweetheart, congratulations.

Thank you.
-Good.

Come.

I'm coming.

That's the closest to Meryl Streep
and Dustin Hoffman I could find.

How did you get them to come?

I didn't know what to tell them,
so I said...

I'm proposing to you.

I don't get it.

Are you proposing to me?

What? No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Definitely not.
Sorry.

No. What a mess. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tzutz, I'm sorry.

Listen, I love this play.

What can I say? I love it.

I think it's terrific.

It's a shame people won't see it

just because we're... us.

You're such an idiot.

What?

You love me, not the play.

You're such an idiot, Tzutz.

Well?
-What?

Did she say yes?

Uh... I don't know,
I think she did.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Yes...

You didn't bring me coffee?

Good morning.

"One + One",
a play by Iris Shtiebel.

Tzutz.
-Tzutz.

Look, a place of our own.
I love it.