Stage Crush (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Bravo!

Great show.
-Fuck the show.

Stas, what's the score?
-Real's leading.

Shit.

Why won't you present me?
My boyfriend's sitting there.

Who cares, present yourself at home.

Encore, encore.
Let's go, another one.

Come on, get out.

Fine, let's go.

Okay let's do another quick one.

Alma, not with the cell.



Leave the cell!
-Let's go!

I don't want to miss the game.

The wig, Shlomo, your wig.

Easy.
Nice and calm.

Hey, that hurts!
-Sorry.

I'm out of here!

Why can't you
show some generosity?

What's your problem?
Just go like this.

Like this.

Shlomo...
-Anything new in the theater?

A remake of "The Seagull".

Chekhov's "The Seagull"?
-No, Didi Manusi.

Another one, Shlomo!
-Enough already!

But they're still clapping.
-Let them go home already!



"The Seagull"? -Shlomo...
-You knew about this?

What? What?
-You cut off my line.

I'm supposed to bark three times

and you cut in after the second.

The third bark is the punch,
that's when the audience laughs.

Eleanor, I don't care,
leave me alone.

You knew about "The Seagull"?

Yes. -And didn't think to tell me?
-I thought you knew.

What about rehearsals?
-In a month or so.

Who's directing?
-I don't know, I don't...

I heard Vera say it's gonna
be a grand spectacle.

Are the cabs ready?
-Five minutes.

Let's go, last time.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.
-I didn't know.

Look at all that
love from the audience.

Let's go home!

Tzutz.
-What?

Get me the cashews.

You can't get up?

But I'm comfy.

I'm comfy too.

Come on, I'm hungry.

There aren't any cashews.
I finished them yesterday.

So get something else
from the fridge.

There's nothing in the fridge.

Go check.
-I don't have to.

I remember.

You remember everything
that's in the fridge?

Yes.

Batteries, Bengay, ginger.

Bottom shelf, butter.

The one next to it is empty.
In the door: mayo and mayo-lite.

And in the freezer?

Ice.
-Great, wonderful.

If you want, we could make a
mayo-ginger popsicle.

Should we order in?

Got any cash?
The ATM ate my card.

How come, Tzutz?

Because I have too much money.
Why do you think?

I thought maybe you forgot the pin.

I remembered the pin just fine.
I forgot I had no money.

It's you.

So what are we eating?

My father.

How many years will
we eat your father?

At some point we're
gonna have to get off the couch.

Let's hide.

What?

Let's hide.

No one will find us here.
-Right.

And we won't have to do anything...

Excuse me,

I need you for a moment,
it's urgent.

Excuse me.

What do you want?

He doesn't know his lines
and you're letting it slide.

And it's the third time
he didn't present me,

and I always present Shlomo.

We should have done "Autumn".

Are you asking or saying?

I'm saying.

No way.

I think it's really wonderful.

Thanks. -Thank you.

The director said
he should do it.

I didn't make this up.
-What do you want from me?

Tell him to do like this to me too.

Fine, I'll tell him to do it.

Now leave me alone.

Sorry.

Yes.
-We're really...

We have a little...
-Right at the end.

Yes, please.
-OK.

Let's hide.
-What?

Let's hide.

No one will find us here,
and we won't have to do anything, ever.

Great idea.

How long do we hide?
-As long as it takes.

Until they find two skeletons
and our headstones will say:

"Died because they didn't want
to get off the couch."

It's actually romantic.

That's it.

How about we read you another scene?

Five pages are
as good as fifty.

We have the play,
we'll let you know.

Thank you.

Obviously... we're not actors,
actors will...

Certainly.
-Actors will make it come alive,

the material...
-Although the writing speaks for itself.

Yes, absolutely.

Snapshots of a young couple's life.

Funny stuff.
-But not just.

Good.
Listen, our time's up.

Of course. -Got it.

Karina's got your number.
Yes. -Thank you.

Thanks for your time, Vera.

Thanks.

I was crap.
That's why I told her

we aren't actors.

You were fine.
-Really?

Thanks.

You sure we shouldn't
have done "Autumn"?

No way.

No theater will stage
a play about dementia.

You're right.

It's fine.

Tzutz?

Tzutz?

What?

What, "what"?

What's up, sweetie?

Did you just fall asleep?

What?

You heard me.

You think I fell asleep?
What am I, 80?

I don't think.
It's what happened.

I can't believe you fell asleep.

I didn't fall asleep.

I was resting my eyes,
I didn't...

Why? -Why?

Sex, you know...
I closed my eyes to concentrate.

Will you stop making a scene?

Tzutz, you shut your eyes,
stopped talking,

and started breathing
like my grandma.

Being quiet doesn't mean
I'm asleep.

It's only 9 PM.

Fine. Sorry for disturbing you,
go back to sleep.

What a disgusting feeling.

Like screwing a corpse.

Tzutz, I dozed off for a second.
I'm sorry.

Tzutz, I think you're overreacting.

I'm overreacting?

I didn't fall asleep.
I closed my eyes for a second.

So you what? Dozed off?

Just for a second.

I think you're like this because of our
shit meeting at the theater.

Let's drop it.

If the meeting went well
you'd be laughing now.

Obviously. So let's just admit it.

Let's say we had a shitty pitch.

We didn't get it because we blew it,

but it's better to face it
than to make a scene

because I closed my eyes
for a second.

Tzutz, it's even kind of funny.
-I'm trying to watch TV.

So we're watching
TV now?

I am, you do whatever
you want.

Fine.

What's she doing here?

What are you doing here?

You forgot your bible.

She can't be here, bro.

I can't stand her.
Why did she barge in on us?

Return to base.
-I want to be with you,

I'm just as much a soldier as you are.

She always does the same thing.
She's boring.

Obviously you're easily bored.

I dozed off for one second. One second.

It's sheer luck that you
fell asleep and not me,

pure luck.

And you're not as hot
as you think.

I'm not?

Tzutz, I'm a lousy fuck?

Yes. You're lazy and you're too loud.

Meaning what? -You think it's sexy
but it's not, all that screaming.

Great, so we both suffer.

And you're heavy.
-Excuse me?

When you're on top,
you're heavy.

As in heavy vibe?

You know what I meant.
You're heavy.

You're on top and you're heavy.

A certain heaviness.
-That's great, Tzutz.

Yours!

Great.

I think we need
couples' therapy.

What's so funny?
-What's therapy got to do with it?

It helps lots of couples.

It helped Dana and Moshe.

You heard Moshe
talk about Dana?

And that's after therapy?
What was before?

Let's drop it.
Let's not talk.

I'll continue falling asleep
and you'll keep watching TV.

Great.
-We'll just pretend all is well.

Good. -Agreed.

It's a good thing I fell asleep...

Yeah?

Really?
-Maybe now you'll start talking.

You think we need more talking?

We don't talk enough?
-Drop it!

Fine, let's never talk again!

What the fuck?

Son of a bitch...
Who did that?

Kids, who threw the ball?

Why are you out playing
at this hour?

You're kids! Go home!
-Give us our ball back.

Forget the ball! Smart-ass.

Son of a bitch.
-What did you say?

You're the son of a bitch!

I think we should break up.

What?

I mean professionally.

We should seperate
professionally.

We're a couple
and we also work together,

so maybe it's too much.

OK.

You know, I want to be able to

pitch someone else's play,
not just yours.

There are many plays I wanna direct.

I think it'll be good for you too.

Tzutz?
-OK.

Where are you going?

Tzutz?
-Huh?

Where are you going?
-For a walk.

I need some air.
-Wait...

I'll be right back.
I need some air.

What's up?
Tell me,

you're playing Trigorin
in "The Seagull"?

Looks like it.

Lucky you.

"Why do you say that you have
kissed the ground I walked on?"

"I am a seagull."

"No. No, I am an actress."

Maya?

You know I got a scholarship for that
monologue when I was a student.

What do you want, sweetie?

I can't imagine

not getting this part.
I'll die.

I see.

And you want me to talk to
the director

and tell him you
should play Nina?

Only if you really think so.

You look like a Nina.
-Right.

You're hardworking and
you want the part.

Right. -You know he rehearses for
a month and he's gone.

Perfect, he knows what he wants.

And you're aware of
the rumors about him?

The Austrian Gruchvosky...
all kinds of rumors...

That he's a bit off, a total dictator...

I love that.

He told me he wants
all his actors...

to rehearse nude.

Fine... nudity.
Who cares?

Sexuality is part of the play.
-Yes, that's true.

He said that...

Nina and Trigorin
should have sex.

On stage?

No, in real life.

Just once, to bring out
true passion...

He hates fakeness,
he feels it.

Seriously?

Seriously.

That's how he works.
Didn't you know?

We really need to have sex?

That's his method,

but only if it's consensual,

not by force, obviously.

You idiot!

You thought we were gonna have sex?

You're such an idiot.

You'd eat dirt if you had to.
-Go fuck yourself, Shlomo!

Go have kids,
it'll put things in perspective.

Son of a bitch!
-Right.

Yes?

I want to apologize,

I broke your window.

OK. You want the ball back?

But tell your friends
to be careful too, OK?

Stop breathing
like you're in labor.

Silence!

Can I watch "Love Under Fire"?

No, no way.
Take your ball.

Uh... kid,

what's your name?
-Sarah. -Sarah.

It's not a good time, OK?

But I apologized for the window.

I'll ask my mother
to fix it.

Can I watch?
-Listen,

it's not a good time.
-Why do you care?

You know what time it is?

Does your dad know
where you are?

He doesn't live here.

Your mom then.

She's at work and
I don't like being home alone.

Where do you live?
-Here.

Here where?

Across the hall.

You've never seen me?

You have a Hyundai i25,
your wife has curly hair.

Iris, right?

You're always rushing
and you don't have kids. Right?

Tomer, right?

Got any fruit?

We're stuck.
Our relationship is stuck.

For me, it's all or nothing.

So if you're not totally in it,

I'm leaving.

"The Seagull" is...

How shall I put it?

Nina in Chekhov's "The Seagull,"

it's a fucking...

It's the role of a lifetime.
It's 'IT'.

Got it.
Let's make a toast.

That's what we're here for.

The most eligible bachelor
is finally caught.

Do you know how many actresses

have played Nina
so far in Israel?

Four. That's all.

Her lines are like... wow...

We may need to
put off the wedding a bit.

It depends on rehearsals.

But not by much.
-Fine babe, we'll see.

Excuse me, Maya?

You're wonderful.

We didn't like the play but...

you were simply wonderful.
Wasn't she, Benny?

You remember me, right?

Remind me.

Relly Binder.

Chairperson of the Friends of
the Theatre.

We've been following
your career.

And you just keep getting better.

Outstanding.
Both here and on television.

Thanks.

Ask Benny, he's a real critic.

He doesn't like anything.

Thank you.

I wish you lots of luck.
-Bye, enjoy.

Thanks.

What's "getting better"?
Who is she, my teacher?

She meant to praise you.
-She wanted to live through me.

"Getting better," like it's an audition?

She meant well.
-No, no, no.

Either say you like me or
keep quiet.

Why compare?

Performing is so revealing, yet so intimate.

I bare my soul and try
to leave a piece of it behind.

Wow. -Yes, I bust my ass
on stage night after night.

Imagine, Avivit,
I come to your office

and say in front of everybody:

"You're getting better, Avivit"

I don't remember what you do,

but I don't think just anyone can come

and criticize your work.

Shut the fuck up already.
-What?

What? No...

No, it's fine, just relax a bit.
Everything's OK.

It's OK, let's move on.

Everything's fine.

What?

What?

No, sorry bro, it's just...

It would be great if you could talk less

so others can get a word in.

We had a shitty day too,
you know...

We didn't wake up just
to come see your play.

Yuvi
-I get it.

I don't think you do,
but okay.

I was at work today too, you know.

So was Avivit.
-Chill.

I'm perfectly calm,
we're good.

Then we had to babysit my nephews

because my sister
got divorced this week.

But I didn't dump my shit on you

because you don't care,
and rightly so.

We took a shower and came.

Although we wanted
to miss the boring play...

Wow. Great. Thanks.

No, you were really good

but the play was boring.

I almost fell asleep,
but we came anyway.

Why? Because I promised Reut
and that's what friends do.

Even though, last time we met,

you couldn't stop talking
about yourself either.

It's okay, Yuvi, enough.
-It's not okay.

Enough, come on!

It's not OK!

You're told you're good,
you don't like it.

You're told you're great,
you still don't like it.

What do I care

about Shelly Spiegler
who fucked up your day?

Honestly, I don't care about this stuff,

I don't know Chekhov from Adam,
I don't know Nina.

Nobody cares.

Does anybody care about Nina?

Reut, do you care?
-The play was amazing.

Seriously? You liked it?
-Stop.

Fine. Fine.

I'm so sorry, he gets
nasty when he drinks.

It's fine.
-I haven't had a drink yet.

Where's the damn waitress?

Fucking Tel Aviv...

Let's order already.

Ouch, it hurts.
It hurts.

It looks bad.

Forget it Ron,
I don't want to ruin your good record.

There's more to life than a record.

Where were you?
You didn't answer.

Hi Iris.

Who's she?
-She wanted to watch TV.

Her name's Sarah and she lives
over there. Where were you?

What did she want?
-She wanted to watch "Love Under Fire"

and I don't know what to do
with her. OK?

Sweetie, hi, what's your name?
-Sarah.

Sarah, this isn't a good time,
you need to go home.

-A little longer, the
episode's almost over.

Please, please, please.

Does her mother know she's here?
-Yes.

Come.

I want each of us to say what we want
from this relationship.

I already did.

You didn't. You said you
don't want us to work together.

What else do I need to say?
-Everything.

You make faces and
I have to figure them out.

So I say, "let's talk,"
you say "no".

"You're pissed"? Silence.

"Let's go to therapy?"
That's a no, too.

If you have something to say,
just say it.

I'd really like you
to go first for once.

Are you kidding?
We're taking turns now?

Yeah, Tzutz, we're taking turns.
-I don't know what you want.

You do, you're just being a coward.

Give me a break,
I've been pretty brave today.

Good, keep it up.

Maybe I need to be
brave too,

and tell you what it is
I want from you.

Now's a good time to answer?

Alright, I won't.

You want us to say it together?

Say what together?

Everything we want
from each other.

You're driving me nuts.

We've been together for five years.

Tell me what you want
out of this relationship.

I'm going to say it.

I'm gonna count to three,
and then I'm saying it. You also say it.

Ready? -OK.
-OK? -Fine.

OK.

You too.
-Fine.

Not more than four words,
keep it simple.

There's a word limit now?
-Yes.

OK. -Ready?

Yes.

Three, two, one...

I want a baby.
-I want to break up.

Good, great.

Nice game.

Sarah,

I'm sorry, it's a bad time.

It's almost over.

Please go home.

She won't stay at the front,
she'll return to base...

Ron will follow her
and he'll get shot in the leg.

You spoiled it!
Who shot him?

The bad guys.
-They don't see themselves as bad.

Fine. Good night.

I need to throw up.

Tzutz?

Should I bring you water?

You don't need to throw up.
OK?

Listen to me, Tzutz,

I need to think a little.

Don't force it.
You're forcing it.

I'm not forcing it.
I need to throw up.

No you don't.

I think I'm gonna go for a bit, OK?

Stop it, you're forcing yourself.
Stop already!

Listen to me. We'll....

It'll be okay.

I think it'll be fine
and you'll be strong.

You're the strongest woman I know.

Don't force it! You'll destroy your throat.

Listen, I need some air,

I need to clear my head
and figure out

who I am without you.
OK?

Don't cry please.
There's some water here.

OK?

There's water here for you.

It's next to your Xanax.

And you have your phone here
if you need...

Enough.
Enough.

Call me if you need
anything, alright?

If something actually bad
happens call and I'll come.

Everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

Tzutz?

We'll be fine, Tzutz.

"Loved your play! Call us
so we can proceed."

I told you to go home, kids,
it's late.

Beat it.
-You again?

Fuck off, asshole!

What?

What just happened?

I think we went crazy
for a second.

I think we need

little fights every now and then

to avoid a huge one like this.

Come.

Did you throw up?

See what happens when I talk?
I say nonsense.

Who needs it?

You should do the talking

in our relationship.
I should stay quiet.

You don't change horses
when you're winning.

See?

I open my mouth and
what comes out? A horse.

What came out? A horse.

But, you know,

a thoroughbred.

An Arabian horse.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I have a surprise for you.

I don't want a surprise.

What's your biggest wish right now?

Dumpling soup.

OK.

The theatre wants your play.

What?

They texted me.

Show me.

Shit...

Wow.
-Congrats.

Congrats.

Like we imagined.

Exactly.

When did you see the message?

What?

What?

Get out.

Get out.