Squidbillies (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 3 - No Space Like Home - full transcript
Squidbillies: No Space Like Home
[♪]
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just explode ♪
♪ When God comes
and calls me to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all
you sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ Let her blow ♪
My turn.
- Hell no.
- Hey, man, let me drive
- that thing, come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 13 Episode 03
Episode Title:
"No Space Like Home"
All right, y'all. Next space up
for auction is number 37.
Y'all go on home now.
This'n here ain't for sale.
No, uh, early,
it actually is for sale.
This thing ain't been open
or paid for
in over 40 years.
Go ahead, jolly.
All right,
- let's start the bidding now...
- Sold!
Shh! Hush up, early.
Over here! Me!
- Shh, shh, shh!
- Knock it off.
Stop jibber-jabbering
those high numbers.
Just give it to me.
It's mine.
Stop jacking up
the price.
You don't have
any money.
Well, that's why
I need you to let me some.
Ah, sorry, bitch. This one
belongs to the G-dog.
Going twice.
Make it a third time.
I'm out.
My financing fell through.
Sold
to the pear-shaped fat boy!
Yes! All right.
Let's open her up.
Come on,
victorian furniture.
Antique coin collection.
Let's see.
Oh, there ain't nothing
like that in there.
I recall a lava lamp,
a hair dryer,
the stuff
we stole from the neighbor.
Wait,
you used to own this unit?
Nah, we ain't own it.
We lived there.
Squatted really.
- [ rats squeaking ]
- oh!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Who says you can't
go home again?
Screw this. I'm leaving.
Burn it down.
Oh, no, Glenn,
I'm afraid you're the owner,
so you're gonna have
clean it out.
- God damn it!
- You've lived here, daddy?
That's right! It was
the summer of 19 and 81.
Ga ga and granny
was pressing pause
on their volatile marriage,
so ga ga would rather live here
in this storage space
than apologize
to that beeyotch.
Never give an inch.
I learned from the best.
Yeah, I remember
my daddy saying
y'all was living here.
I slept right here on this stack
of urine-soaked us weeklys.
[ laughs ] your daddy,
he wasn't none the wiser.
[ snoring ]
the lights. My box fan.
My lava lamp.
The Russians is taken down
the power grid!
[ pounding on door ]
Sheriff's dad:
I know you're in there,
and it's time to leave.
Ain't no one in here,
and you're not none the wiser
to it.
I heard you say that, ga ga.
Damn these corrugated walls!
You can't sleep in here, and you
can't run this extension cord
off of noodle Buddha.
Stop plugging in your power cord
into our power socket!
Come on, let's go.
Let's leave here, boy.
Just like
the sheriff told us.
And you don't need to come
to check
'cause we ain't gonna go
back in there once you leave.
See that you don't.
The fool!
We sleep here tonight.
And that son of a bitch
ain't none the wiser.
Early: We did sleep there
that night.
That son of a bitch
wasn't none the wiser.
Oh, right, now I 'member.
We slept in jail that night.
And it was the best damn sleep
we got all summer,
'cause living
in that storage space
was like living
in a living hell.
[♪]
Goddamn noodle Buddha!
Unplugged my juicer again!
Snip, snip, squid man.
I cut your cable,
you power thief.
[ sighs ]
grab a hammer, boy.
I guess we're making
onion smoothies by hand now.
Early:
I had to make my own fun.
I'd invent games
like "ring around the rabies"...
Red rover, red rover,
send possum right over.
- [ hisses ]
- Aaah!
..."Name that tune"...
[ singing indistinctly ]
stop me when you know it.
[ singing indistinctly ]
come on, boy.
Don't you like music?
[ singing indistinctly ]
that's a good song, daddy.
What is it?
I don't know.
...And "head lice Olympics."
come on, man! Get after it!
Come on, lucky. You can do it.
Get your ass movin'!
Feels like a real horse race
up there,
except for it's lice.
I think that's where I developed
my vivid imagination.
And this chronic
skin condition.
Of course.
Even the stolen shopping cart's
a piece of shit.
Damn! Looks like old ga ga's
whip needs a tune-up.
Ga ga: There's my ride!
Womarns can't resist
a hot set of wheels.
You gonna get you
some strange today, daddy?
Nah, your mama's
strange enough for me.
I'm gonna win
her heart back today.
[ hair dryer whirring ]
- [ whirring stops ]
- Goddamn noodle Buddha son of a bitches!
Plug back in my hair dryer!
You steal the power again,
I calling the police!
I really don't think mama
wants you over there, daddy.
Remember when she shot you
in the back of the head
and said,
"I don't want you over here"?
Well, she'll come gliding out
on her own juices
like a shuffleboard puck
when she hears
the sweet nothings
from my silver tongue.
Open up, woman!
I want to live here,
not there!
It's hot in there. There ain't
no power or running water!
It reminds me of here.
[ siren chirps ]
leave her alone, ga ga.
She ain't here 'cause
she know'd you were coming.
I'll shoot you in the front
of the head this time.
Ruby, I asked you
to stay hidden.
So you are here.
You lyin' bruise-colored
skin blob!
I love you, mama.
Stay with daddy, honey.
I'm enjoying my me time.
You best not be in there
doing the horizontal boogie
with Dewey duvall sr.
He's not here.
You can't fool my eyeballs.
I see him right there.
- Hey, ga ga.
- Hey, Dewey.
- She said y'all was done.
- We are done.
We're done
when I say we're done.
I am
the smooth talker here.
I say
we've never been better.
Open this Goddamn door!
We've never been more
in love.
[ siren chirps ]
she'll come around...
When I come around
and threaten her more.
That's enough back there.
Oh, I've got more.
I'm sure you do.
This is your fault, boy.
She don't wanna date
someone that's got a child.
So, uh...
Where you stayin'
these days, ga ga?
Staying out of my business,
where you ought to be a-staying.
So the storage space.
I ain't living over there.
So where do you want me
to drop you?
Right here's good.
This is the storage space,
dumb ass. Ha ha.
I got you again.
Hold up, early.
I know your daddy's got y'all
living in that storage unit,
and there ain't much
I can do for him
but look the other way.
Goddamn noodle Buddha!
You unplugged
my fish tank!
You stop stealing our power!
But you ain't got
to suffer, too.
Early: Your daddy tried
to help me. He truly did.
But childhood trauma
had already set me on my path.
Hey, sharif, how about you
show my pal early here
how to play pirate?
Aye, aye, captain.
Avast, ye scurvy dog.
Daddy, my baseball cards
are gone.
What the hell?
My gun.
He took that, too.
And mama's necklace.
I done brought us a gun,
a necklace,
and some toilet paper.
Put the toilet paper over there,
next to the toilet,
which is
that upright piano.
Well, why don't we use
the toilet for the toilet?
I'm using the toilet
for a chair.
So why don't we use
the chair for the chair?
You don't sit
where you shit, son.
Ain't you ever heard
that spression?
Can I shoot my new gun
at the piano?
No. Shoot the chair.
The chair is the target,
and the piano is the toilet.
Don't make me
go through this again.
[ gunshot ]
lobba! Lobba! Lobba!
There we go.
Now you're getting it.
Lobba. Lobba. Lobba.
Focus. Do me proud.
There you go, son.
Lobba. Lobba. Lobba.
Beethoven's
"moonlight sonata" plays...
hey, look,
it still plays.
[ music continues ]
[ sour note plays, music stops ]
ah.
[ note playing ]
this key's a little muted.
Ah, gross.
The one thing
I thought I could save.
You sure you don't want
these bones in the corner?
Free bones.
No, no, that's okay.
You can keep the bones.
I'll be busy pressure washing
the inside of my new piano.
Ha ha ha!
The damn fool! He done throwed
the bathwater and left the baby.
Hey, what in the hell
are we gonna do
with a bunch of animal bones?
Ol' ga ga had a saying...
"you give a man a fish,
and he eats for a day."
"but give a man
a large collection
of random animal bones,
and he'll rip off
this stupid Chinese restaurant."
scuse me, sir. I got a bone
to pick with this meal.
Here we go.
This long bone here
with a head on it.
Looks like it comes
from a bat. Uh-huh.
This don't look like
the menu picture.
Not at all.
What is the meaning of this?!
[ slurps ]
I didn't order no sweet
and sour bat skulls.
Is this
how y'all do business?
I'm never coming back here
again...
Till tomorrow.
And you better
still have this policy
where you give me
a free meal
if I find a bat skull
in it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait, wait.
I'm a collector.
No! Bones go in trash.
Hey, boy, go plug this
in that outlet over there.
You bring me some chow mein,
you hear me?
And it better not have one
of these bones in it.
The bone man,
they called him.
He got away with it
for quite some time.
But then he got lazy,
started mailing it in.
Is this why you call
this Peking duck?
I see a bunch of possum bones
"peeking" out of it.
They are duck bones.
Part of the duck.
So it is.
I suppose
this is how y'all do here.
Yes, this is how we do here.
I see.
Run, boy!
Early, you're not thinking of
pulling your daddy's old hustle.
Hell nah. I ain't playin'
that old man's game.
I'm taking it
to the next level.
Look here. I found
a possum pelvis
in all four of these
steel-belted radials.
Say it.
What is the meaning
of this?!
There ya go.
And you expect me to pay
for an unlimited data plan
with a rat carcass in it?
I refuse!
And I want
this wireless headset.
Is this
how y'all do here?
I'm not usually the one
to complain,
but I was trying on these here
crisp new boot-cut sparkle jeans
and I found a bat skull
in the pocket.
Varmints in the garments...
That's what I'm gonna be tellin'
everybody about this store.
I also found animal bones
in these summer cargo shorts.
And the breast pocket
of this hot-ass rodeo shirt.
Is this how y'all do?
Sir, step away from
that hot-ass rodeo shirt.
Sorry, guys.
Uh, health code violation.
There must be an infestation
or something
around dougal county.
We just had to shut down
noodle Buddha.
But I got a lunch appointment
there today.
Oh, you
don't want to eat there.
I heard somebody found a bat
skull in his cashew chicken.
That was me.
We did it.
All you gotta do
is put a bone in something,
and then they'll give it
to you.
You get that?
Loud and clear.
Take 'em down.
Wait, sheriff.
There's plenty of this
to go around...
For those
who can stay silent.
Can I cut a deal if
I flip on him?
Nunh-unh.
He's the one who done it.
- He made me do it. You can see it.
- No, you lie! He's the one that did it.
All these bones in the cell.
Is this how y'all do things?
I ain't giving you shit.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just explode ♪
♪ When God comes
and calls me to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all
you sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ Let her blow ♪
My turn.
- Hell no.
- Hey, man, let me drive
- that thing, come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 13 Episode 03
Episode Title:
"No Space Like Home"
All right, y'all. Next space up
for auction is number 37.
Y'all go on home now.
This'n here ain't for sale.
No, uh, early,
it actually is for sale.
This thing ain't been open
or paid for
in over 40 years.
Go ahead, jolly.
All right,
- let's start the bidding now...
- Sold!
Shh! Hush up, early.
Over here! Me!
- Shh, shh, shh!
- Knock it off.
Stop jibber-jabbering
those high numbers.
Just give it to me.
It's mine.
Stop jacking up
the price.
You don't have
any money.
Well, that's why
I need you to let me some.
Ah, sorry, bitch. This one
belongs to the G-dog.
Going twice.
Make it a third time.
I'm out.
My financing fell through.
Sold
to the pear-shaped fat boy!
Yes! All right.
Let's open her up.
Come on,
victorian furniture.
Antique coin collection.
Let's see.
Oh, there ain't nothing
like that in there.
I recall a lava lamp,
a hair dryer,
the stuff
we stole from the neighbor.
Wait,
you used to own this unit?
Nah, we ain't own it.
We lived there.
Squatted really.
- [ rats squeaking ]
- oh!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Who says you can't
go home again?
Screw this. I'm leaving.
Burn it down.
Oh, no, Glenn,
I'm afraid you're the owner,
so you're gonna have
clean it out.
- God damn it!
- You've lived here, daddy?
That's right! It was
the summer of 19 and 81.
Ga ga and granny
was pressing pause
on their volatile marriage,
so ga ga would rather live here
in this storage space
than apologize
to that beeyotch.
Never give an inch.
I learned from the best.
Yeah, I remember
my daddy saying
y'all was living here.
I slept right here on this stack
of urine-soaked us weeklys.
[ laughs ] your daddy,
he wasn't none the wiser.
[ snoring ]
the lights. My box fan.
My lava lamp.
The Russians is taken down
the power grid!
[ pounding on door ]
Sheriff's dad:
I know you're in there,
and it's time to leave.
Ain't no one in here,
and you're not none the wiser
to it.
I heard you say that, ga ga.
Damn these corrugated walls!
You can't sleep in here, and you
can't run this extension cord
off of noodle Buddha.
Stop plugging in your power cord
into our power socket!
Come on, let's go.
Let's leave here, boy.
Just like
the sheriff told us.
And you don't need to come
to check
'cause we ain't gonna go
back in there once you leave.
See that you don't.
The fool!
We sleep here tonight.
And that son of a bitch
ain't none the wiser.
Early: We did sleep there
that night.
That son of a bitch
wasn't none the wiser.
Oh, right, now I 'member.
We slept in jail that night.
And it was the best damn sleep
we got all summer,
'cause living
in that storage space
was like living
in a living hell.
[♪]
Goddamn noodle Buddha!
Unplugged my juicer again!
Snip, snip, squid man.
I cut your cable,
you power thief.
[ sighs ]
grab a hammer, boy.
I guess we're making
onion smoothies by hand now.
Early:
I had to make my own fun.
I'd invent games
like "ring around the rabies"...
Red rover, red rover,
send possum right over.
- [ hisses ]
- Aaah!
..."Name that tune"...
[ singing indistinctly ]
stop me when you know it.
[ singing indistinctly ]
come on, boy.
Don't you like music?
[ singing indistinctly ]
that's a good song, daddy.
What is it?
I don't know.
...And "head lice Olympics."
come on, man! Get after it!
Come on, lucky. You can do it.
Get your ass movin'!
Feels like a real horse race
up there,
except for it's lice.
I think that's where I developed
my vivid imagination.
And this chronic
skin condition.
Of course.
Even the stolen shopping cart's
a piece of shit.
Damn! Looks like old ga ga's
whip needs a tune-up.
Ga ga: There's my ride!
Womarns can't resist
a hot set of wheels.
You gonna get you
some strange today, daddy?
Nah, your mama's
strange enough for me.
I'm gonna win
her heart back today.
[ hair dryer whirring ]
- [ whirring stops ]
- Goddamn noodle Buddha son of a bitches!
Plug back in my hair dryer!
You steal the power again,
I calling the police!
I really don't think mama
wants you over there, daddy.
Remember when she shot you
in the back of the head
and said,
"I don't want you over here"?
Well, she'll come gliding out
on her own juices
like a shuffleboard puck
when she hears
the sweet nothings
from my silver tongue.
Open up, woman!
I want to live here,
not there!
It's hot in there. There ain't
no power or running water!
It reminds me of here.
[ siren chirps ]
leave her alone, ga ga.
She ain't here 'cause
she know'd you were coming.
I'll shoot you in the front
of the head this time.
Ruby, I asked you
to stay hidden.
So you are here.
You lyin' bruise-colored
skin blob!
I love you, mama.
Stay with daddy, honey.
I'm enjoying my me time.
You best not be in there
doing the horizontal boogie
with Dewey duvall sr.
He's not here.
You can't fool my eyeballs.
I see him right there.
- Hey, ga ga.
- Hey, Dewey.
- She said y'all was done.
- We are done.
We're done
when I say we're done.
I am
the smooth talker here.
I say
we've never been better.
Open this Goddamn door!
We've never been more
in love.
[ siren chirps ]
she'll come around...
When I come around
and threaten her more.
That's enough back there.
Oh, I've got more.
I'm sure you do.
This is your fault, boy.
She don't wanna date
someone that's got a child.
So, uh...
Where you stayin'
these days, ga ga?
Staying out of my business,
where you ought to be a-staying.
So the storage space.
I ain't living over there.
So where do you want me
to drop you?
Right here's good.
This is the storage space,
dumb ass. Ha ha.
I got you again.
Hold up, early.
I know your daddy's got y'all
living in that storage unit,
and there ain't much
I can do for him
but look the other way.
Goddamn noodle Buddha!
You unplugged
my fish tank!
You stop stealing our power!
But you ain't got
to suffer, too.
Early: Your daddy tried
to help me. He truly did.
But childhood trauma
had already set me on my path.
Hey, sharif, how about you
show my pal early here
how to play pirate?
Aye, aye, captain.
Avast, ye scurvy dog.
Daddy, my baseball cards
are gone.
What the hell?
My gun.
He took that, too.
And mama's necklace.
I done brought us a gun,
a necklace,
and some toilet paper.
Put the toilet paper over there,
next to the toilet,
which is
that upright piano.
Well, why don't we use
the toilet for the toilet?
I'm using the toilet
for a chair.
So why don't we use
the chair for the chair?
You don't sit
where you shit, son.
Ain't you ever heard
that spression?
Can I shoot my new gun
at the piano?
No. Shoot the chair.
The chair is the target,
and the piano is the toilet.
Don't make me
go through this again.
[ gunshot ]
lobba! Lobba! Lobba!
There we go.
Now you're getting it.
Lobba. Lobba. Lobba.
Focus. Do me proud.
There you go, son.
Lobba. Lobba. Lobba.
Beethoven's
"moonlight sonata" plays...
hey, look,
it still plays.
[ music continues ]
[ sour note plays, music stops ]
ah.
[ note playing ]
this key's a little muted.
Ah, gross.
The one thing
I thought I could save.
You sure you don't want
these bones in the corner?
Free bones.
No, no, that's okay.
You can keep the bones.
I'll be busy pressure washing
the inside of my new piano.
Ha ha ha!
The damn fool! He done throwed
the bathwater and left the baby.
Hey, what in the hell
are we gonna do
with a bunch of animal bones?
Ol' ga ga had a saying...
"you give a man a fish,
and he eats for a day."
"but give a man
a large collection
of random animal bones,
and he'll rip off
this stupid Chinese restaurant."
scuse me, sir. I got a bone
to pick with this meal.
Here we go.
This long bone here
with a head on it.
Looks like it comes
from a bat. Uh-huh.
This don't look like
the menu picture.
Not at all.
What is the meaning of this?!
[ slurps ]
I didn't order no sweet
and sour bat skulls.
Is this
how y'all do business?
I'm never coming back here
again...
Till tomorrow.
And you better
still have this policy
where you give me
a free meal
if I find a bat skull
in it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait, wait.
I'm a collector.
No! Bones go in trash.
Hey, boy, go plug this
in that outlet over there.
You bring me some chow mein,
you hear me?
And it better not have one
of these bones in it.
The bone man,
they called him.
He got away with it
for quite some time.
But then he got lazy,
started mailing it in.
Is this why you call
this Peking duck?
I see a bunch of possum bones
"peeking" out of it.
They are duck bones.
Part of the duck.
So it is.
I suppose
this is how y'all do here.
Yes, this is how we do here.
I see.
Run, boy!
Early, you're not thinking of
pulling your daddy's old hustle.
Hell nah. I ain't playin'
that old man's game.
I'm taking it
to the next level.
Look here. I found
a possum pelvis
in all four of these
steel-belted radials.
Say it.
What is the meaning
of this?!
There ya go.
And you expect me to pay
for an unlimited data plan
with a rat carcass in it?
I refuse!
And I want
this wireless headset.
Is this
how y'all do here?
I'm not usually the one
to complain,
but I was trying on these here
crisp new boot-cut sparkle jeans
and I found a bat skull
in the pocket.
Varmints in the garments...
That's what I'm gonna be tellin'
everybody about this store.
I also found animal bones
in these summer cargo shorts.
And the breast pocket
of this hot-ass rodeo shirt.
Is this how y'all do?
Sir, step away from
that hot-ass rodeo shirt.
Sorry, guys.
Uh, health code violation.
There must be an infestation
or something
around dougal county.
We just had to shut down
noodle Buddha.
But I got a lunch appointment
there today.
Oh, you
don't want to eat there.
I heard somebody found a bat
skull in his cashew chicken.
That was me.
We did it.
All you gotta do
is put a bone in something,
and then they'll give it
to you.
You get that?
Loud and clear.
Take 'em down.
Wait, sheriff.
There's plenty of this
to go around...
For those
who can stay silent.
Can I cut a deal if
I flip on him?
Nunh-unh.
He's the one who done it.
- He made me do it. You can see it.
- No, you lie! He's the one that did it.
All these bones in the cell.
Is this how y'all do things?
I ain't giving you shit.
[♪]
[♪]
[♪]