Squidbillies (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 4 - Scorn on the 4th of July - full transcript
[ Static ]
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just explode ♪
♪ When God comes
and calls me to His kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all
you sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ Let it blow!
My turn!
- Hell, no!
- Hey, man, let me drive
Do not touch the trim!
[ Dance music playing ]
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 13 Episode 04
Title: "Scorn on the 4th of July"
You like this,
baby?
I appreciate you
trying, Blondie,
but I got half my ding-a-ling
blown off in Da Nang.
This dance is free,
baby.
- Do what now?
- Thank you for your service.
Did I hear you say
you're showing
them chest dumplings
for free?
Veterans only, baby,
not for you.
- There you go.
- How much I owe you, Ellis?
Your money's
no good here.
Thank you
for your service.
I-I'm a veterinarian,
too, you know.
Usually, a veteran
of foreign wars
will pronounce it "veteran"
and not "veterinarian."
No, you weren't there,
and you don't know.
Now, I'd show you
my military ID,
but I lost it,
like my mind
in the jungles of Saigon.
You seem
a little young for Nam.
Because the war
took years off my life,
and only now
at this moment,
I can really
talk about it,
especially if free
party liquor's involved.
[♪]
Can I get a party liquor
over here?
- A free brown liquor for a veteran.
- See?
I'm not
a piece of shit.
It's all those wars
that I did
that make me drink
and steal and fight
and not
want to work none.
Thank you for putting your life
on the line
so I can
show you these.
Whoo, yeah!
I love
these meat bags!
[ Rock music plays,
engine revs ]
Wounded warriors,
rev your engines.
[ Engines rev ]
Let our fallen brothers
hear you
all the way
up to heaven.
Hey, y'all,
we got us
- a new brother in arms here.
- Damn, Early.
I had no idea
you served.
Neither did Ellis
at the strip club.
I mean,
a damn hero
shouldn't have to pay for drinks
and to see titties.
It's so sad how this country
treats our veterans.
It's shameful,
really.
- Thank you for your service, Early.
- No, thank you for yourservice.
- No, thank you - for yourservice.
- No, thank you for yourservice.
You're welcome,
and thank you for your service.
- No, thank you - for yourservice.
- Thank you, too.
Yeah, thank everybody
for everybody's service.
- You're welcome. You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
Except for Early
because I don't think he served.
You know, soldier,
I would be honored to have you
as my wingman
on our ride today.
I wanted to ride, too.
You told me I couldn't.
Sorry, Denny,
but you didn't serve like us.
You know, I left two of my toes
in Desert Storm.
In Desert Storm. Yes, I've heard the story.
Thank you for your service.
That's why I walk sideways
like a crab.
It's not my fault
the army rejected you
for having pontoon foot.
He's got eight legs.
Ain't no way he served.
You're lucky that jacked-up
foot kept you out of the shit.
Some gave all,
and, well, some gave excuses,
I guess.
Mind the store, will you,
Denny?
The Wounded Warriors
need to taste the wind.
- Yee-haw!
- Whoo!
Yeah, baby!
Whoo, yeah!
♪ Drape yourself in camo
♪ And tell 'em
you served proudly ♪
- Whoo, yeah!
- ♪ When they thank you for your service ♪
♪ Make 'em do it loudly
♪ If you want to score
a veteran discount ♪
♪ Tell the cashier
that you served in the Corps ♪
♪ Buy a toddler-sized
Army costume ♪
♪ From the Halloween store
♪ 'Cause you're a fake
G.I. Joe ♪
♪ And you're hittin'
a whole new low ♪
♪ Our soldiers fought and died
♪ All you've done is lie
♪ Stolen valor
- Hell, yeah!
- Whoo!
Ten-hut!
Sir, yes, sir.
Uh, Denny, what the hell
are you doing here?
Denny here
was just asking me
about your time
in the service.
I didn't see that
Purple Heart yesterday.
Purple Heart,
Yellow Moon,
Green Clover, and Blue Diamonds.
Battle of Endor.
Hey, you mind if I get
a close-up of those medals?
Zombie Uprising,
War Monger 4?
That's from
a video game!
Whoa, you'll trigger
my STD, now.
Stolen valor!
I'm having a traumatic flashdance.
Stolen valor!
What kind of person
comes in here
questioning a military venetian?
My son
is a war hero.
Just look at
the tattoo.
Yeah, you... you got
to look at the tattoo.
There's more patriotism
in that ass crack
than there is
your whole cowardly body.
I would say
run along,
but the only place you're
running with that pontoon foot
is to your doctor
to get a medical excuse
so you don't
have to serve.
Get out of my home!
Retreat from
my sight.
That's a military term
for "go away."
Your stolen valor
ain't going away.
Your problems
are just beginning, hoss.
Did I hear something
about a veteran discount?
Yeah, but that ain't
for everybody.
They're are only for people
who say they're Vulcans.
Yeah, well, then, it's a good
thing my son's a Vulcan
because Mama wants her
some shoes...
Two for my feet
and one for whatever this thing
hanging in the middle is.
Oh, finally,
arch support.
Hello, comfort.
Goodbye, ringworm.
Well, look who's buying
some shoes.
You know, I have trouble
finding my size
because, you know,
I lost a couple of toes...
Toes in Desert Storm.
We know, we know.
Get off the cross already.
We need the wood.
Early, you know the VFW
Fourth of July parade?
The parade that celebrates
my sacrifice
and to thank me
for my service?
Yes, I do.
Well, this year,
we want you to drop in
on Main Street
from 10,000 feet up,
waving the biggest American flag
you ever seen.
Drop in. What do you mean,
like with a parachute?
Yeah.
You was a Ranger, right?
Yeah.
Well, hell yeah.
I mean, Green Beret, Ranger,
Navy SEAL,
and the Air Force Aquaman.
I was all of it.
It's just been a while
since I jumped out of a plane.
That's all.
Guy like you with
a thousand jumps under his belt?
Hell, that ought to be
a walk in the park.
And it is,
but it's sad for you
because nobody let you
jump out of a plane,
would they,
Pontoon Foot?
Freaky-ass foot.
They don't need me
when they got a veteran war hero
of every foreign war
ever fought by man.
Ain't that
what you said?
Or is that a lie, now?
[ Groans ]
God damn it,
you gas up the jet,
and God bless America.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Is Daddy trained
to jump out of a plane?
He made his bed.
Now let's find
the Gold Star family seats.
How's it going back there,
Admiral?
How about you just fly low
and, uh...
I could wave at everybody
from in here.
I think people would appreciate
that a lot more, you know,
get, like,
a big wave from a hero.
Come on, man,
we're over the jump zone.
I want to jump.
I really do, Ellis,
but I can't right now.
My... My heel spur
is acting up.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, hell!
I can't see!
Mayday, Mayday.
God damn it, I knew
those stories was bullshit.
No!
I gave you free drinks
and half price on lap dances.
You're jumping!
Aw, hell.
Help, help!
Somebody help me!
Black Hawk Down!
Hell, they got some cheap
fireworks this year.
Wounded Warriors,
to the hogs!
Denny,
are you with us?
I don't know, man.
I-I never served.
Damn, I got to kiss your ass,
don't I?
You're the best tracker
I've got, Denny.
I need you
on the front line, soldier,
and Early needs you,
too.
[♪]
I'll let you sit
in the sidecar.
Alright,
God damn it.
Just, uh, just hang your foot
off the side.
Help! Help!
I'm scared.
My extensive
military training
did not prepare me
for this.
I think we're gonna
have to rappel down.
I'd love
to help you,
but I don't see any toilets
down there that need cleaning.
- Didn't you serve?
- Well, of course.
I was a specialist...
Latrine duty.
[ Chuckles ]
We'd spell "duty"
D-O-O-D-Y.
How'd you lose toes
swabbing toilets?
Some of us don't like
to talk about our service.
How did you lose your toes,
Officer?!
I shot them off myself,
okay?!
I didn't want them
to send me to the front.
Who the hall knew
that Desert Storm
was only gonna last
100 hours?
- Will this work?
- You call this a double figure eight?
I thought
you was a G.I.
I am a G.I...
Gastrointestinal patient.
So you didn't serve
neither?
Hey, now, I served,
at least.
I just didn't do it
with much honor.
Alright,
it's you and me, Leroy.
I hope that "V" on your chest
stands for "Vietnam."
[Canadian accent] Sorry, Denny.
It stands for "Vancouver."
You was
a draft dodger?
Only till
Vietnam was over.
I don't know what all the fuss
was aboot.
What about your legs?
I was draining syrup
from a maple tree,
and it fell on my spine,
eh?
Oh, when did you start talking
in that accent?
What are we doing?
As I said, I'm a G.I.,
so if I strain,
my pants
could go FUBAR...
Front, underside, back
all ruined.
You just sit your ass down
and be an anchor.
Leroy, rub your maple syrup
on Sheriff's hands,
Make them sticky.
Sheriff, you take the rope
up the hill.
It's too narrow
for the rest of us.
You're gonna have to crab-walk
between the trees.
[♪]
Oh, Denny,
thank God.
Help, help.
Soldiers first!
Navy SEALs Aquamans first!
Admit it... go ahead
and say it into the phone.
You never served.
I mean, I'll say it if that's
what you want me to say.
But we all know
the real truth, don't we?
- Alright, bring me up.
- I'll say any damn thing you want.
Just to tell me what to say
and I'll say it.
Just get me
the hell out of here.
[ Microphone feedback ]
There are many heroes
standing here today.
Should we be thanked
for our service?
Absolutely.
Should we be challenged
or asked probing questions
about details
that possibly don't add up?
I don't think so.
But one true hero among us
stands out, and...
No.
Step back, Early.
It's Denny.
With this
totally made-up award
that we just
came up with,
I say unto you, Denny,
are we cool?
- War Monger 4?
- Yeah. From a video game.
Don't rock the boat, man.
Shiny medals.
We all
get to be heroes now.
Don't be ungrateful,
man.
I want a leather vest
like he got.
No, no, no, Denny.
Leather vests
are for military heroes only.
You can see
I'm a decorated vegetarian.
You're welcome
for my service, y'all.
I never served.
Okay?
- That's what you want to hear?
- Lies! All lies!
Does that make you feel
like a big man, Denny?
Does that
make you feel tough?
That's a deep fake.
They did a deep fake on me.
Well,
that's our cue.
I'm keeping
these damn shoes.
Is it so wrong that I wanted
a dollar off
a Southwest omelet
and I lied about
killing Hussam Hussein
with my bare hands
to get it?
I did kill him.
Osama, too,
but I can't talk about it
'cause it's classified.
I ain't gonna hear
these lies.
Retreat! Stealth mode!
Extraction!
Big man made me say it.
I mean, who's really
at fault here, huh, who?
What would you have done?
Made in Georgia.
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just explode ♪
♪ When God comes
and calls me to His kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all
you sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ Let it blow!
My turn!
- Hell, no!
- Hey, man, let me drive
Do not touch the trim!
[ Dance music playing ]
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 13 Episode 04
Title: "Scorn on the 4th of July"
You like this,
baby?
I appreciate you
trying, Blondie,
but I got half my ding-a-ling
blown off in Da Nang.
This dance is free,
baby.
- Do what now?
- Thank you for your service.
Did I hear you say
you're showing
them chest dumplings
for free?
Veterans only, baby,
not for you.
- There you go.
- How much I owe you, Ellis?
Your money's
no good here.
Thank you
for your service.
I-I'm a veterinarian,
too, you know.
Usually, a veteran
of foreign wars
will pronounce it "veteran"
and not "veterinarian."
No, you weren't there,
and you don't know.
Now, I'd show you
my military ID,
but I lost it,
like my mind
in the jungles of Saigon.
You seem
a little young for Nam.
Because the war
took years off my life,
and only now
at this moment,
I can really
talk about it,
especially if free
party liquor's involved.
[♪]
Can I get a party liquor
over here?
- A free brown liquor for a veteran.
- See?
I'm not
a piece of shit.
It's all those wars
that I did
that make me drink
and steal and fight
and not
want to work none.
Thank you for putting your life
on the line
so I can
show you these.
Whoo, yeah!
I love
these meat bags!
[ Rock music plays,
engine revs ]
Wounded warriors,
rev your engines.
[ Engines rev ]
Let our fallen brothers
hear you
all the way
up to heaven.
Hey, y'all,
we got us
- a new brother in arms here.
- Damn, Early.
I had no idea
you served.
Neither did Ellis
at the strip club.
I mean,
a damn hero
shouldn't have to pay for drinks
and to see titties.
It's so sad how this country
treats our veterans.
It's shameful,
really.
- Thank you for your service, Early.
- No, thank you for yourservice.
- No, thank you - for yourservice.
- No, thank you for yourservice.
You're welcome,
and thank you for your service.
- No, thank you - for yourservice.
- Thank you, too.
Yeah, thank everybody
for everybody's service.
- You're welcome. You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
Except for Early
because I don't think he served.
You know, soldier,
I would be honored to have you
as my wingman
on our ride today.
I wanted to ride, too.
You told me I couldn't.
Sorry, Denny,
but you didn't serve like us.
You know, I left two of my toes
in Desert Storm.
In Desert Storm. Yes, I've heard the story.
Thank you for your service.
That's why I walk sideways
like a crab.
It's not my fault
the army rejected you
for having pontoon foot.
He's got eight legs.
Ain't no way he served.
You're lucky that jacked-up
foot kept you out of the shit.
Some gave all,
and, well, some gave excuses,
I guess.
Mind the store, will you,
Denny?
The Wounded Warriors
need to taste the wind.
- Yee-haw!
- Whoo!
Yeah, baby!
Whoo, yeah!
♪ Drape yourself in camo
♪ And tell 'em
you served proudly ♪
- Whoo, yeah!
- ♪ When they thank you for your service ♪
♪ Make 'em do it loudly
♪ If you want to score
a veteran discount ♪
♪ Tell the cashier
that you served in the Corps ♪
♪ Buy a toddler-sized
Army costume ♪
♪ From the Halloween store
♪ 'Cause you're a fake
G.I. Joe ♪
♪ And you're hittin'
a whole new low ♪
♪ Our soldiers fought and died
♪ All you've done is lie
♪ Stolen valor
- Hell, yeah!
- Whoo!
Ten-hut!
Sir, yes, sir.
Uh, Denny, what the hell
are you doing here?
Denny here
was just asking me
about your time
in the service.
I didn't see that
Purple Heart yesterday.
Purple Heart,
Yellow Moon,
Green Clover, and Blue Diamonds.
Battle of Endor.
Hey, you mind if I get
a close-up of those medals?
Zombie Uprising,
War Monger 4?
That's from
a video game!
Whoa, you'll trigger
my STD, now.
Stolen valor!
I'm having a traumatic flashdance.
Stolen valor!
What kind of person
comes in here
questioning a military venetian?
My son
is a war hero.
Just look at
the tattoo.
Yeah, you... you got
to look at the tattoo.
There's more patriotism
in that ass crack
than there is
your whole cowardly body.
I would say
run along,
but the only place you're
running with that pontoon foot
is to your doctor
to get a medical excuse
so you don't
have to serve.
Get out of my home!
Retreat from
my sight.
That's a military term
for "go away."
Your stolen valor
ain't going away.
Your problems
are just beginning, hoss.
Did I hear something
about a veteran discount?
Yeah, but that ain't
for everybody.
They're are only for people
who say they're Vulcans.
Yeah, well, then, it's a good
thing my son's a Vulcan
because Mama wants her
some shoes...
Two for my feet
and one for whatever this thing
hanging in the middle is.
Oh, finally,
arch support.
Hello, comfort.
Goodbye, ringworm.
Well, look who's buying
some shoes.
You know, I have trouble
finding my size
because, you know,
I lost a couple of toes...
Toes in Desert Storm.
We know, we know.
Get off the cross already.
We need the wood.
Early, you know the VFW
Fourth of July parade?
The parade that celebrates
my sacrifice
and to thank me
for my service?
Yes, I do.
Well, this year,
we want you to drop in
on Main Street
from 10,000 feet up,
waving the biggest American flag
you ever seen.
Drop in. What do you mean,
like with a parachute?
Yeah.
You was a Ranger, right?
Yeah.
Well, hell yeah.
I mean, Green Beret, Ranger,
Navy SEAL,
and the Air Force Aquaman.
I was all of it.
It's just been a while
since I jumped out of a plane.
That's all.
Guy like you with
a thousand jumps under his belt?
Hell, that ought to be
a walk in the park.
And it is,
but it's sad for you
because nobody let you
jump out of a plane,
would they,
Pontoon Foot?
Freaky-ass foot.
They don't need me
when they got a veteran war hero
of every foreign war
ever fought by man.
Ain't that
what you said?
Or is that a lie, now?
[ Groans ]
God damn it,
you gas up the jet,
and God bless America.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Is Daddy trained
to jump out of a plane?
He made his bed.
Now let's find
the Gold Star family seats.
How's it going back there,
Admiral?
How about you just fly low
and, uh...
I could wave at everybody
from in here.
I think people would appreciate
that a lot more, you know,
get, like,
a big wave from a hero.
Come on, man,
we're over the jump zone.
I want to jump.
I really do, Ellis,
but I can't right now.
My... My heel spur
is acting up.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, hell!
I can't see!
Mayday, Mayday.
God damn it, I knew
those stories was bullshit.
No!
I gave you free drinks
and half price on lap dances.
You're jumping!
Aw, hell.
Help, help!
Somebody help me!
Black Hawk Down!
Hell, they got some cheap
fireworks this year.
Wounded Warriors,
to the hogs!
Denny,
are you with us?
I don't know, man.
I-I never served.
Damn, I got to kiss your ass,
don't I?
You're the best tracker
I've got, Denny.
I need you
on the front line, soldier,
and Early needs you,
too.
[♪]
I'll let you sit
in the sidecar.
Alright,
God damn it.
Just, uh, just hang your foot
off the side.
Help! Help!
I'm scared.
My extensive
military training
did not prepare me
for this.
I think we're gonna
have to rappel down.
I'd love
to help you,
but I don't see any toilets
down there that need cleaning.
- Didn't you serve?
- Well, of course.
I was a specialist...
Latrine duty.
[ Chuckles ]
We'd spell "duty"
D-O-O-D-Y.
How'd you lose toes
swabbing toilets?
Some of us don't like
to talk about our service.
How did you lose your toes,
Officer?!
I shot them off myself,
okay?!
I didn't want them
to send me to the front.
Who the hall knew
that Desert Storm
was only gonna last
100 hours?
- Will this work?
- You call this a double figure eight?
I thought
you was a G.I.
I am a G.I...
Gastrointestinal patient.
So you didn't serve
neither?
Hey, now, I served,
at least.
I just didn't do it
with much honor.
Alright,
it's you and me, Leroy.
I hope that "V" on your chest
stands for "Vietnam."
[Canadian accent] Sorry, Denny.
It stands for "Vancouver."
You was
a draft dodger?
Only till
Vietnam was over.
I don't know what all the fuss
was aboot.
What about your legs?
I was draining syrup
from a maple tree,
and it fell on my spine,
eh?
Oh, when did you start talking
in that accent?
What are we doing?
As I said, I'm a G.I.,
so if I strain,
my pants
could go FUBAR...
Front, underside, back
all ruined.
You just sit your ass down
and be an anchor.
Leroy, rub your maple syrup
on Sheriff's hands,
Make them sticky.
Sheriff, you take the rope
up the hill.
It's too narrow
for the rest of us.
You're gonna have to crab-walk
between the trees.
[♪]
Oh, Denny,
thank God.
Help, help.
Soldiers first!
Navy SEALs Aquamans first!
Admit it... go ahead
and say it into the phone.
You never served.
I mean, I'll say it if that's
what you want me to say.
But we all know
the real truth, don't we?
- Alright, bring me up.
- I'll say any damn thing you want.
Just to tell me what to say
and I'll say it.
Just get me
the hell out of here.
[ Microphone feedback ]
There are many heroes
standing here today.
Should we be thanked
for our service?
Absolutely.
Should we be challenged
or asked probing questions
about details
that possibly don't add up?
I don't think so.
But one true hero among us
stands out, and...
No.
Step back, Early.
It's Denny.
With this
totally made-up award
that we just
came up with,
I say unto you, Denny,
are we cool?
- War Monger 4?
- Yeah. From a video game.
Don't rock the boat, man.
Shiny medals.
We all
get to be heroes now.
Don't be ungrateful,
man.
I want a leather vest
like he got.
No, no, no, Denny.
Leather vests
are for military heroes only.
You can see
I'm a decorated vegetarian.
You're welcome
for my service, y'all.
I never served.
Okay?
- That's what you want to hear?
- Lies! All lies!
Does that make you feel
like a big man, Denny?
Does that
make you feel tough?
That's a deep fake.
They did a deep fake on me.
Well,
that's our cue.
I'm keeping
these damn shoes.
Is it so wrong that I wanted
a dollar off
a Southwest omelet
and I lied about
killing Hussam Hussein
with my bare hands
to get it?
I did kill him.
Osama, too,
but I can't talk about it
'cause it's classified.
I ain't gonna hear
these lies.
Retreat! Stealth mode!
Extraction!
Big man made me say it.
I mean, who's really
at fault here, huh, who?
What would you have done?
Made in Georgia.