Squidbillies (2005–…): Season 13, Episode 2 - Let 'er R.I.P. - full transcript
I get that they had to fire the original -so could they not have found a relative of the squidbilies to be voiced by morgan - it just seems wrong/weird seeing the voice come out of early now -total off putting i am done with this show.
[ Static ]
[♪]
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just explode ♪
♪ When God comes and calls me
to his Kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ I'll take all you
son of a bitches when I go ♪
My turn.
- Hell no.
- Hey, man, let me drive
- that thing, come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 13 Episode 02
Episode Title: "Let 'er R.I.P."
Aired on: November 08, 2021.
Now, let's all bow
our heads
for a moment of silence.
Hang on. I-I got a late start.
Please don't tell my boss.
Where's the damn
hearse keys?
Some shit-for-brains backed it
up to the wall over there.
That's right, I'm talking
to you, gravedigger.
I thought it'd be easier to get
it out later if I backed it in.
Is that right?
Well, how we gonna
get the coffin out?
Through the sunroof?!
Now, you best have that hole dug
by the time
preacher man says
"amen,"
or I'm gonna snatch
a knot in your skull.
Yes, sir.
Uh-oh, I think I nicked a rock
or something.
Rocks don't make
a hissing sound, stupid!
You busted the gas line
to the crematorium!
Now I gotta relight
the pilot.
Pain in my ass!
Amen, already.
Let's wrap it up.
He's as dead
as he's gonna get!
Ugh!
It's fuckin' hot out here!
- Ugh.
- Rusty: Excuse me, sir.
Remember when you said that
after I was here a few months,
I could shadow you
while you prep a body?
I just wanna pick
your brain.
Well, I'm pickin' this fella's
brain through his nasal cavity.
Ugh.
Now, they say it's unnecessary,
but 8 pounds is 8 pounds,
and at my age,
I'll do anything
to save my back.
Now, Rusty, get
your worthless ass in there
and relight the pilot.
It - It still smells
like gas in here.
Gimme that, goddamn...
Always fuckin' gotta have it
your way, goddamn it.
You don't mind if I just crack
the window a little bit, do you?
Yeah, go ahead.
Typical millennial, always
looking for the nearest exit
when there's work
to be done.
Oh!
Aw, damn it,
I was almost outta here.
O-Okay, when do y'all wanna
schedule a viewing?
Hell, I don't know, Pastor,
I'm just the gravedigger.
It looks like you've
been promoted, Rusty.
Ha-ha, look what
the cat dragged in.
Where you been
lollygaggin'?
Some of us have to work,
Daddy.
Well, they say
"Do what you love,
and you never work a day
in your life."
But I say "Don't show up
for work,
and you never work a day
in your life."
And not working has worked
out damn good for me.
I got promoted
from gravedigger
so I'mma need somebody
to fill my old position.
You think you can help?
Mm,
sounds like work to me.
And you know what I say
about work.
It's 10% inspiration,
90% tax evasion,
and 10% ragin' Cajun.
Whoo!
I give 110%.
Granny, how about you?
I'll pay you 20 bucks
a hole.
Yeah, any dumbass
can dig a hole!
Hang on,
you can't hire a scab!
- Get off me!
- She ain't with the union!
This is
a right-to-work state!
Hey guys,
it's the DIY Funeral Guy
with my top 10 embalming hacks.
With a couple of common tools
and some twist ties,
you can do most of
the corpse prep right at home.
Come on, I ain't got all day.
Do something.
Get on with it, boy!
Okay, now we want to make
an incision
right under
the belly button here.
You can see where I shave...
Aw! Ow!
God damn it!
And, uh, you can see
why draining the body
in the last step
was so important.
Otherwise, you'd be covered
in blood right now.
That's $20, that's $20,
that's $20.
I'm gonna be rich!
What in the hell?!
And that school counselor
says to me,
"You're gonna end up
diggin' ditches for a livin'."
My daddy said, "Don't you
go gettin' his hopes up.
He ain't got the brains
to go pro."
Well, Early,
look what I found!
Damn it, woman, I told you
not to dig near
those square rocks
with the scribblings on them!
What in the hell, Daddy?!
I said one hole... one!
You think you're making
a goddamn golf course?!
What are these,
fuckin' foxholes?!
I'm trying to run a business,
not dig a fuckin' hole to China.
Well, you said $20 a hole,
so I figured...
You figured you'd just dig
a half a million holes
and charge $20 million?
Uh, sounds good to me.
So, can I invoice that now?
We can fill holes, too,
if you don't like 'em.
For a fair price,
of course.
Bitch, I'll fill this hole
with your body
if you queer
my negotiations!
$20, that's it.
- Fill the rest back up.
- You heard him.
- This is your damn deal.
- Awww.
So, uh, who's done run off
to meet his maker?
My asshole boss.
His funeral's gonna be
in 45 minutes,
and I got no idea
what the hell I'm doing!
Hand me
that formaldehyde.
[ Burps ] Ah.
Formaldehyde-hidee-hoo!
Alright, now,
where's the body?
What in the hell?
Right in front of you, Daddy.
Ooh, triplets.
What happened here?
Okay, you don't know
what the hell you're doing.
I know exactly what I'm doing,
okay?
People are just
like animals.
Flesh, bones, teeth, tail,
covered in hair,
multiple stomachs, spend most
of their lives in the forest,
and only live
about seven years.
Daddy, don't cut
his foot off!
Oh, we got us
a armchair undertaker?
Don't you remember that
10-point buck-cycle
I built for you?
I'm doin' it, Daddy,
I'm doin' it!
Early: That's right, boy,
hang on to those antler-bars.
Keep your feet on the clavicles,
now!
And don't you remember that
fancy gown I made for Granny?
Oh, it's beautiful!
Ahh! Ohh!
Cider vinegar,
to "depungify" the stink.
Now you're ready
for church.
I'm a sumbitchin'
roadkill Rembrandt!
You just go on and show
them folks where to sit.
I'll provide the show.
Now, let's get to work!
Whoo!
We got 300 graves to fill!
Rusty: This here
is my first eulogy.
I usually
just dig the holes,
but I can tell by this crowd
how much
Bubba was loved
in this community.
Is that a joke,
gravedigger?
How 'bout you stop vamping,
'cause it's not about you!
Come on, Daddy, chop-chop!
They're gettin' restless
out here!
[ Singing "Circle of Life"
in Zulu ]
[♪]
Mele "Kamikilaka"!
That's Hawaiian for
"Welcome to the great beyond!"
[♪]
- Rusty: Oh, no.
- Whoo!
- No, Daddy!
- Come on, y'all!
Everybody gets lei'd!
[laid]
- I can't believe it!
- I'm so sorry, everybody.
I-I'll make this right,
I promise.
Bubba always wanted to be
the life of the party.
Yeah, I went full
Parrot Head on Bubba.
And wait
till you see this!
I hollowed out his pelvis and
jammed a paint mixer up his ass.
What have you done?
I love it.
It's so fun.
Now let's all head
over to the gravesite
for a pig-pickin' luau.
Whoo!
Rest in pork, my friend.
May you rest in pork.
I am surprised to say this,
but, hell,
I think we got us
a business model here.
Suicide was always a tragedy.
But I was able to repurpose
the noose
and flip the script
on this.
He's filled with candy hearts
that say the things in death
that he could never
express in life.
No, no, no,
don't eat that!
Muy malo!
Granny: Sign up
for your Cuyler original!
Sorry for your loss.
No pushin'!
Single file, please!
The one thing my husband
truly loved was Auburn Football.
Oh, Auburn, huh?
We were hopin' maybe you could
pay tribute to that.
So, you're pretty much fixed
on Auburn, huh?
No, no. No, sir!
Hell, no!
Point me to the loved ones.
No, no, just stop it Daddy.
I'll talk to 'em.
Hey, folks, listen,
I'm sorry,
but I don't think we can
accommodate your kind here.
What? Wait.
What "kind" is that,
Early?
I think we all know
what I'm talkin' about, Glenn.
You know, she came all the way
from Alabama on my referral.
I'm sorry, but he can't be
buried at a Georgia graveyard.
The red Georgia clay
will reject him.
It's red
for a damn reason!
Georgia Bulldogs, baby!
Sic 'em!
Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Woof, woof!
But... But I am sure my
colleague can make an exception.
Ain't that right, Daddy?
If it was an inferior
ACC team... say, Georgia Tech
or Wake Forest...
I'd do that out of sympathy.
But Auburn?
I refuse!
Daddy,
this is your job,
so unless you want me
to fire your ass,
I suggest you do
what I say.
Well, I suggest they take
his Auburn-lovin' ass
down the street
to another establishment...
One where they don't care
who they mingle with!
Get out!
Security!
- Alright, Early, alright!
- Fine!
I would say,
"Sorry for your loss,"
but you're so damn used
to losing to Georgia,
I'd be apologizin'
you nonstop!
Come on.
I apologize, folks.
I can prepare the body.
It's Auburn Tigers,
right?
That's right.
War damn eagle.
Wait... Wait a minute, so,
there's an eagle, too?
[ Telephone rings ]
Jiggle Hut. If you're callin'
about a prostitute,
we don't do that anymore.
[ Chuckles ] Wink, wink.
Hey, Ellis. Uh, listen here,
you still trafficking them,
uh, exotic animals
and whatnot?
Officially, the petting zoo
is closed due to lack of permit,
but we could still do
"private events"
if the money is right.
Yeah, man, I got money.
Let's talk turkey.
Oh, good, cause that's really
all I have left,
mostly, is turkeys.[ Turkeys gobbling ]
Now, you ain't goin' over
the state line, are ya?
Ma'am,
I think we put together
a very moving tribute
to your husband.
Yeah, it's movin' a lot,
so, uh, let's pick up the pace.
- He's smellin' the meat.
- Is...
Are those live animals
in there?
Yeah,
but they're sedated.
- Right, Ellis?
- Oh, yeah.
Heavily sedated.
Yeah, I ain't doing this.
Here, I highlighted
the relevant passages.
You can just wing it.
Nobody listens anyway.
Down! Down!
Uh, [Clears throat]
will everyone please be seated?
We're gathered here today
in the presence of God
to honor the life of... [ Airhorn blows ]
How dare you invoke
the name of God,
preparing a Auburn body
for burial!
God hates Auburn!
Oh, Daddy, no!
Oh, hell, he's gone
full Westboro.
Behold, the mark of the beast...
The "AU" on the helmet!
Folks, y'all don't
listen to this![ Airhorn blows ]
Apple CEO Tim Apple
went to Auburn,
and now we all have government
tracking chips in our heads.
Daddy,
keep it down, now.
- You're rilin' up the tiger!
- Wait, hold up.
You got a living tiger?
Yeah, I couldn't scrape up
an eagle in time,
but I think
the wild turkey works.
Oh, God.
Thou shall not worship
two mascots!
Oh, Lindsey!
Uh, I gotta jet.
Stay calm,
everybody, stay calm!
They...
They can smell fear.
[ Growls ]
Please, Early, help!
- Hell, no!
- Oh!
Get down, tiger!
It's got my leg, Early!
Ha, ha, ha!
Ya damn Auburn-lover!
Damn it,
and I liked this job.
That's what you get
when you take on the dawgs!
Sic 'em! Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Woof, woof, woof, woof!
[♪
This one's made
in Georgia.
[♪]
♪ My dreams are all dead
and buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just explode ♪
♪ When God comes and calls me
to his Kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I go ♪
♪ I'll take all you
son of a bitches when I go ♪
My turn.
- Hell no.
- Hey, man, let me drive
- that thing, come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 13 Episode 02
Episode Title: "Let 'er R.I.P."
Aired on: November 08, 2021.
Now, let's all bow
our heads
for a moment of silence.
Hang on. I-I got a late start.
Please don't tell my boss.
Where's the damn
hearse keys?
Some shit-for-brains backed it
up to the wall over there.
That's right, I'm talking
to you, gravedigger.
I thought it'd be easier to get
it out later if I backed it in.
Is that right?
Well, how we gonna
get the coffin out?
Through the sunroof?!
Now, you best have that hole dug
by the time
preacher man says
"amen,"
or I'm gonna snatch
a knot in your skull.
Yes, sir.
Uh-oh, I think I nicked a rock
or something.
Rocks don't make
a hissing sound, stupid!
You busted the gas line
to the crematorium!
Now I gotta relight
the pilot.
Pain in my ass!
Amen, already.
Let's wrap it up.
He's as dead
as he's gonna get!
Ugh!
It's fuckin' hot out here!
- Ugh.
- Rusty: Excuse me, sir.
Remember when you said that
after I was here a few months,
I could shadow you
while you prep a body?
I just wanna pick
your brain.
Well, I'm pickin' this fella's
brain through his nasal cavity.
Ugh.
Now, they say it's unnecessary,
but 8 pounds is 8 pounds,
and at my age,
I'll do anything
to save my back.
Now, Rusty, get
your worthless ass in there
and relight the pilot.
It - It still smells
like gas in here.
Gimme that, goddamn...
Always fuckin' gotta have it
your way, goddamn it.
You don't mind if I just crack
the window a little bit, do you?
Yeah, go ahead.
Typical millennial, always
looking for the nearest exit
when there's work
to be done.
Oh!
Aw, damn it,
I was almost outta here.
O-Okay, when do y'all wanna
schedule a viewing?
Hell, I don't know, Pastor,
I'm just the gravedigger.
It looks like you've
been promoted, Rusty.
Ha-ha, look what
the cat dragged in.
Where you been
lollygaggin'?
Some of us have to work,
Daddy.
Well, they say
"Do what you love,
and you never work a day
in your life."
But I say "Don't show up
for work,
and you never work a day
in your life."
And not working has worked
out damn good for me.
I got promoted
from gravedigger
so I'mma need somebody
to fill my old position.
You think you can help?
Mm,
sounds like work to me.
And you know what I say
about work.
It's 10% inspiration,
90% tax evasion,
and 10% ragin' Cajun.
Whoo!
I give 110%.
Granny, how about you?
I'll pay you 20 bucks
a hole.
Yeah, any dumbass
can dig a hole!
Hang on,
you can't hire a scab!
- Get off me!
- She ain't with the union!
This is
a right-to-work state!
Hey guys,
it's the DIY Funeral Guy
with my top 10 embalming hacks.
With a couple of common tools
and some twist ties,
you can do most of
the corpse prep right at home.
Come on, I ain't got all day.
Do something.
Get on with it, boy!
Okay, now we want to make
an incision
right under
the belly button here.
You can see where I shave...
Aw! Ow!
God damn it!
And, uh, you can see
why draining the body
in the last step
was so important.
Otherwise, you'd be covered
in blood right now.
That's $20, that's $20,
that's $20.
I'm gonna be rich!
What in the hell?!
And that school counselor
says to me,
"You're gonna end up
diggin' ditches for a livin'."
My daddy said, "Don't you
go gettin' his hopes up.
He ain't got the brains
to go pro."
Well, Early,
look what I found!
Damn it, woman, I told you
not to dig near
those square rocks
with the scribblings on them!
What in the hell, Daddy?!
I said one hole... one!
You think you're making
a goddamn golf course?!
What are these,
fuckin' foxholes?!
I'm trying to run a business,
not dig a fuckin' hole to China.
Well, you said $20 a hole,
so I figured...
You figured you'd just dig
a half a million holes
and charge $20 million?
Uh, sounds good to me.
So, can I invoice that now?
We can fill holes, too,
if you don't like 'em.
For a fair price,
of course.
Bitch, I'll fill this hole
with your body
if you queer
my negotiations!
$20, that's it.
- Fill the rest back up.
- You heard him.
- This is your damn deal.
- Awww.
So, uh, who's done run off
to meet his maker?
My asshole boss.
His funeral's gonna be
in 45 minutes,
and I got no idea
what the hell I'm doing!
Hand me
that formaldehyde.
[ Burps ] Ah.
Formaldehyde-hidee-hoo!
Alright, now,
where's the body?
What in the hell?
Right in front of you, Daddy.
Ooh, triplets.
What happened here?
Okay, you don't know
what the hell you're doing.
I know exactly what I'm doing,
okay?
People are just
like animals.
Flesh, bones, teeth, tail,
covered in hair,
multiple stomachs, spend most
of their lives in the forest,
and only live
about seven years.
Daddy, don't cut
his foot off!
Oh, we got us
a armchair undertaker?
Don't you remember that
10-point buck-cycle
I built for you?
I'm doin' it, Daddy,
I'm doin' it!
Early: That's right, boy,
hang on to those antler-bars.
Keep your feet on the clavicles,
now!
And don't you remember that
fancy gown I made for Granny?
Oh, it's beautiful!
Ahh! Ohh!
Cider vinegar,
to "depungify" the stink.
Now you're ready
for church.
I'm a sumbitchin'
roadkill Rembrandt!
You just go on and show
them folks where to sit.
I'll provide the show.
Now, let's get to work!
Whoo!
We got 300 graves to fill!
Rusty: This here
is my first eulogy.
I usually
just dig the holes,
but I can tell by this crowd
how much
Bubba was loved
in this community.
Is that a joke,
gravedigger?
How 'bout you stop vamping,
'cause it's not about you!
Come on, Daddy, chop-chop!
They're gettin' restless
out here!
[ Singing "Circle of Life"
in Zulu ]
[♪]
Mele "Kamikilaka"!
That's Hawaiian for
"Welcome to the great beyond!"
[♪]
- Rusty: Oh, no.
- Whoo!
- No, Daddy!
- Come on, y'all!
Everybody gets lei'd!
[laid]
- I can't believe it!
- I'm so sorry, everybody.
I-I'll make this right,
I promise.
Bubba always wanted to be
the life of the party.
Yeah, I went full
Parrot Head on Bubba.
And wait
till you see this!
I hollowed out his pelvis and
jammed a paint mixer up his ass.
What have you done?
I love it.
It's so fun.
Now let's all head
over to the gravesite
for a pig-pickin' luau.
Whoo!
Rest in pork, my friend.
May you rest in pork.
I am surprised to say this,
but, hell,
I think we got us
a business model here.
Suicide was always a tragedy.
But I was able to repurpose
the noose
and flip the script
on this.
He's filled with candy hearts
that say the things in death
that he could never
express in life.
No, no, no,
don't eat that!
Muy malo!
Granny: Sign up
for your Cuyler original!
Sorry for your loss.
No pushin'!
Single file, please!
The one thing my husband
truly loved was Auburn Football.
Oh, Auburn, huh?
We were hopin' maybe you could
pay tribute to that.
So, you're pretty much fixed
on Auburn, huh?
No, no. No, sir!
Hell, no!
Point me to the loved ones.
No, no, just stop it Daddy.
I'll talk to 'em.
Hey, folks, listen,
I'm sorry,
but I don't think we can
accommodate your kind here.
What? Wait.
What "kind" is that,
Early?
I think we all know
what I'm talkin' about, Glenn.
You know, she came all the way
from Alabama on my referral.
I'm sorry, but he can't be
buried at a Georgia graveyard.
The red Georgia clay
will reject him.
It's red
for a damn reason!
Georgia Bulldogs, baby!
Sic 'em!
Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Woof, woof!
But... But I am sure my
colleague can make an exception.
Ain't that right, Daddy?
If it was an inferior
ACC team... say, Georgia Tech
or Wake Forest...
I'd do that out of sympathy.
But Auburn?
I refuse!
Daddy,
this is your job,
so unless you want me
to fire your ass,
I suggest you do
what I say.
Well, I suggest they take
his Auburn-lovin' ass
down the street
to another establishment...
One where they don't care
who they mingle with!
Get out!
Security!
- Alright, Early, alright!
- Fine!
I would say,
"Sorry for your loss,"
but you're so damn used
to losing to Georgia,
I'd be apologizin'
you nonstop!
Come on.
I apologize, folks.
I can prepare the body.
It's Auburn Tigers,
right?
That's right.
War damn eagle.
Wait... Wait a minute, so,
there's an eagle, too?
[ Telephone rings ]
Jiggle Hut. If you're callin'
about a prostitute,
we don't do that anymore.
[ Chuckles ] Wink, wink.
Hey, Ellis. Uh, listen here,
you still trafficking them,
uh, exotic animals
and whatnot?
Officially, the petting zoo
is closed due to lack of permit,
but we could still do
"private events"
if the money is right.
Yeah, man, I got money.
Let's talk turkey.
Oh, good, cause that's really
all I have left,
mostly, is turkeys.[ Turkeys gobbling ]
Now, you ain't goin' over
the state line, are ya?
Ma'am,
I think we put together
a very moving tribute
to your husband.
Yeah, it's movin' a lot,
so, uh, let's pick up the pace.
- He's smellin' the meat.
- Is...
Are those live animals
in there?
Yeah,
but they're sedated.
- Right, Ellis?
- Oh, yeah.
Heavily sedated.
Yeah, I ain't doing this.
Here, I highlighted
the relevant passages.
You can just wing it.
Nobody listens anyway.
Down! Down!
Uh, [Clears throat]
will everyone please be seated?
We're gathered here today
in the presence of God
to honor the life of... [ Airhorn blows ]
How dare you invoke
the name of God,
preparing a Auburn body
for burial!
God hates Auburn!
Oh, Daddy, no!
Oh, hell, he's gone
full Westboro.
Behold, the mark of the beast...
The "AU" on the helmet!
Folks, y'all don't
listen to this![ Airhorn blows ]
Apple CEO Tim Apple
went to Auburn,
and now we all have government
tracking chips in our heads.
Daddy,
keep it down, now.
- You're rilin' up the tiger!
- Wait, hold up.
You got a living tiger?
Yeah, I couldn't scrape up
an eagle in time,
but I think
the wild turkey works.
Oh, God.
Thou shall not worship
two mascots!
Oh, Lindsey!
Uh, I gotta jet.
Stay calm,
everybody, stay calm!
They...
They can smell fear.
[ Growls ]
Please, Early, help!
- Hell, no!
- Oh!
Get down, tiger!
It's got my leg, Early!
Ha, ha, ha!
Ya damn Auburn-lover!
Damn it,
and I liked this job.
That's what you get
when you take on the dawgs!
Sic 'em! Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Woof, woof, woof, woof!
[♪
This one's made
in Georgia.