Squidbillies (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 8 - There's Sucker Porn Every Minute - full transcript
Early lets his beak flag fly.
*SQUIDBILLIES*
Season 12 Episode 08
♪ My dreams are all ♪
- ♪ Dead and buried ♪
- ♪ Buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just ♪
- ♪ Explode ♪
- ♪ Dead and buried ♪
♪ When God comes
and He calls me to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all
you sons of bitches when I go ♪
- Come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
Episode Title :
"There's Sucker Porn Every Minute"
Hey, hot stuff.
Aw, hell no.
You best get on unless
you wanna get bit by my dog.
You ate your dog.
It was Thanksgiving, damn it.
Don't you judge me.
Now get the hell
off my land
or I'll make up something else
to bluff your ass with.
Oh, baby,
I can see you're hurtin'.
I miss having
all your stringy green arms
wrapped around my bosom,
my... my front butt,
my back butt,
and my neck
during them special times
when I requested a choking.
I'd be a fool to take you back.
A stone cold fool.
Now, you just get the hell on,
right now!
Well, I had to try.
Hey, now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, now.
Truth is I been lonely,
little gal.
Once the bar lights
comes on
and womans see
I got all these wiggly danglers
and I'm filled
with this wobbly jelly,
I'm banished
to the friend zone.
Well, I'm here to invite you
to my friends-with-benefits zone.
Hell yeah!
- Whee. Hell yeah.
- Whoo! Let's do it, baby!
Bye, Daddy.
She ain't no good for you.
Don't marry her again.
Hey, don't be crotch-blocking me,
you damn turd.
Sometimes a hand-milf
needs more than just hands.
She needs the slippery,
suckery touch...
of squid wigglers
from outer space...
Space... space... space... sp...
Uh, I don't mind
role-playing,
but these fellers
ain't even dressed up.
Oh, don't mind Alphonso
and Lucas.
I'm just so proud
we're back together,
I want to broadcast it
to the whole world.
Now talk them words.
Uh, glorp glorp gleepy...
glork.
Now...
take me to your wiener.
Gloop gloop
dippity doo.
There.
That's got it.
- Hell yeah! I mean glork...
- Mm, yeah.
Glork... glo-o-o-rk!
Glorkity glork glork,
baby!
Yeah!
Who has seven wigglers
and just got laid?
This guy!
What?
Who the hell would put
their damn pecker up in you?
That guy!
- I'll call ya.
- No, you won't.
Later, Gibby.
The answer is me.
This guy!
Whoo!
Daddy, I don't think you
and Mama are good together.
Well, too bad, 'cause we're
together forever this time, son.
This time, it's love.
It sure looks like
you're in love in this one.
Yep.
Homemade hentai tentacle porn.
Some real freak shit.
She told me she was filming this
just to have something
to show to our grand-youngrins!
Give me a peek
of that beak.
Don't be reaching
for the beak. Show me the beak!
I'm... I'm a little sensitive
about it.
- Are we rolling on this?
- My beak! Oh, no!
I opened up to her!
You sure did.
All the way up.
I'm no beak freak myself.
I only go to this site when
nothing else will get it done.
Open up!
Where you been?
Get your ass in wardrobe.
Your love for me
was no more real
than this toy version
of downtown Tokyo
you's had me destroy!
Oh, I've hurt you.
And that's the last thing
I wanted.
But I also like
subscriber-driven revenue,
and that's the firstthing
I wanted.
Wha-ho! Get your fingers
out of my B-hole.
But I'm weak for dat beak.
You're just feeding me
a damn line.
I ain't just
a life-support system
for these sexy-ass wigglers.
I got a soul!
I'm a person here!
I guess we're back
to fartin' on cakes.
Lucas,
switch to the telephoto.
♪ Happy birthday,
Mr. President ♪
Daddy, this video
is still up.
Your beak is hanging out
for the whole world to see.
I know!
I should have circumcised
your ass
when I had the chance,
you son of a bitch!
What are you doing?
No! No!
Oh, don't cut your beak off!
That's your moneymaker!
Yeah. That's right.
Listen to the purple one.
Just checked your comments.
They're blowing up.
"Buff Beakman scores
a direct hit
for this beak-seeking
missile."
CalamariCop just posted
raindrops... and eggplants?
That's a really good sign when
they start putting up veggies.
Ooh.
Somebody done some fan art.
A tattoo!
Well, looky there!
About damn time the Internet
started talking about me!
Daddy, this is a fetish thing
for weirdos with problems.
Looks like somebody's got
a touch of beak envy.
Please don't embrace this.
Keep clutching your pearls,
ya puritan!
I'm gonna keep doing me!
Mama is just using you,
Daddy.
I know, and she's out.
People don't come to Big
Wigglers to be chubby chasin'.
They come for my big
and naturals.
Ain't that right, beaky?
That's right!
Beaks out, freaks out!
I mean, nobody goes to that site
anyway, right?
Ooh.
- Rising from the briny deep...
- Mm.
This is gonna crash
my computer, ain't it?
You was warned not to come
into these waters.
Ha ha.
Don't forget to hit like
and subscribe!
It really helps us out!
Wow.
Early's normally very beak-shy.
Even when he exposes hisself
to women,
he makes sure to hide
the beak.
Hell, he won't even let me
cavity-search the thing.
That ain't the point,
Sheriff.
He's making pornography
in Dougal County.
We got standards
in this community!
Well, you're part of
the community, too, Detective...
Or should I say
TheCalimariCop?
I-I got hacked!
Somebody hacked me!
Member since 2007?
That... That there's
a friend's log-in!
I don't get off on this!
A samurai sword?
Yeah.
That's from my online wish list.
The fans just wanna
give back.
There's a fortune for you
in this business, too, son.
You got the assets.
- I'm down to clown!
- Yeah.
I got a wealthy fan flying in
from J-Pan tomorrow
for a live and in-person
tentacle tsunami.
I sure could use
some extra stunt wigglers.
I said I'm down to clown.
Did you hear me
when I just said that?
I don't think so, Daddy.
It's just the Internet.
It ain't like it's gonna be
up there forever.
So they just send you
this sword?
For free?
You like it? Keep it.
It's yours.
And there's plenty more
where that come from.
You just come on down
to the motel tomorrow afternoon,
and bring you wigglers.
We can finally, you know, bond
like you keep carrying on about.
Wait a minute. You ain't sayin'
that we're gonna...
Oh, no, no.
Not that way.
It ain't like we're pulling
a beak train.
She said she's down
to clown!
I heard ya,
and it's a hard pass!
And they sewed
fig leaves together
and made themselves loincloths.
And the Lord said,
"Who told you that
you were naked?
Have you eaten
from the tree
of which I commanded you
not to eat?"
Couple of prudes, right?
I mean, if you got it,
flaunt it.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Early, do you need something?
Just attention.
That's all.
I love what the Lord
done give me,
and so do others,
apparently.
You may have seen my vidjas...
"Beak Freaks on the Street,"
"Beak-a-Boo,"
"Weak for Dat Beak"...
Oh, we're well aware, Early.
In fact, we're going down to the
motel this afternoon to protest.
Plug the site.
Did I mention that I'm adding
on-demand customized videos
at TheresSuckerPornEveryMinute.
Com?
Okay, folks.
I think we're done for today.
Okay. We'll see everybody
at 2:00, all right?
Buff Beakman!
He's here!
You honor us,
Buff Beakman!
- Buff Beakman!
- Yes, yes, it is he.
Which one of y'all lucky mans
paid for the experience?
The Wiggler Tsunami
is for my beloved father,
but perhaps you would honor us
with your autograph
on our butt cheeks.
Oh, sure. Of course.
Anything for the fans.
You mentioned
some mystery wiggler?
That's right.
My son Rusty's
getting into the business.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Yes!
Oh-ai-ha!
I can't believe
I'm gonna do this.
At least he'll have you.
I'd give anything
to be in that room.
They call me grave bait.
Ah, let's go in there
and have some fun!
Let your beak flag fly!
It ain't my call,
but I wouldn't do it.
Heck no! No porno!
Go somewhere else
to suck and blow!
Heck no!
No porno!
There's the sodomite
right there!
Sexual deviant!
Oh, come on, Pastor.
It's just me.
Yeah, I know, Rusty.
It's just part of the job.
Smut peddler!
That's right! He is!
Welcome to the family business,
son!
Purveyors of filth!
Whoremongers!
Hey, y'all keep it down.
We're trying to get
clean audio in here.
There ain't nothing clean
going on in there!
Easy, Pastor.
Let's not kink-shame the man.
When it comes to sex,
who's to say
what's right or wrong?
The Bible, Sheriff!
But Kinsey tell us
that we're all somewhere
on a broad spectrum
of desire...
Hetero, homo,
BDSM leather daddies.
I mean, me personally,
I like to be sealed up
in a latex bag
with an air hose up my nose.
What does your precious Bible
have to say about that?
Now, I-I told y'all that
in confidence,
so don't run off
to your message board
with that little tidbit.
Y'all...
Glen, put your phone down.
Stop recording me.
All of you,
put your phones down.
Everyone, p-please...
Please disperse.
I-I've said
way too much now.
About goddamn time
you showed up.
Be sure to frame
his face out.
He don't likedoin' porno.
Ooh, yes.
Time for
my wiggler tsunami.
Wiggle 'em, Rusty.
Come on. Let's go.
Make 'em bounce.
Like this here.
Oh!
Give his man his show.
Ohh.
Yes.
I-I'm sorry, Daddy.
Sorry for what?
Wah!
Ha! Wah!
Aah!
Oh!
My wigglers!
Wah!
I ain't saying what you're doing
is right or wrong!
I'm just saying it's
really weird and embarrasses me
and I had to put a stop
to it!
This has turned me off
greatly.
I will accept these
as restitution.
Wait! No, no, no! Come back!
I still got the beak!
That's right!
Beaks out, freaks out!
Mm. Yeah.
Not a beak man.
Yoo-hoo!
- Hey! Where you going?
- I'm down to clown!
Hey, y'all want me to fart
on your California roll?
Fried rice?
What exactly do y'all fart on
over there?
Sync corrections by srjanapala
Season 12 Episode 08
♪ My dreams are all ♪
- ♪ Dead and buried ♪
- ♪ Buried ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish the sun
would just ♪
- ♪ Explode ♪
- ♪ Dead and buried ♪
♪ When God comes
and He calls me to his kingdom ♪
♪ I'll take all
you sons of bitches when I go ♪
- Come on!
- Do not touch the trim!
Episode Title :
"There's Sucker Porn Every Minute"
Hey, hot stuff.
Aw, hell no.
You best get on unless
you wanna get bit by my dog.
You ate your dog.
It was Thanksgiving, damn it.
Don't you judge me.
Now get the hell
off my land
or I'll make up something else
to bluff your ass with.
Oh, baby,
I can see you're hurtin'.
I miss having
all your stringy green arms
wrapped around my bosom,
my... my front butt,
my back butt,
and my neck
during them special times
when I requested a choking.
I'd be a fool to take you back.
A stone cold fool.
Now, you just get the hell on,
right now!
Well, I had to try.
Hey, now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, now.
Truth is I been lonely,
little gal.
Once the bar lights
comes on
and womans see
I got all these wiggly danglers
and I'm filled
with this wobbly jelly,
I'm banished
to the friend zone.
Well, I'm here to invite you
to my friends-with-benefits zone.
Hell yeah!
- Whee. Hell yeah.
- Whoo! Let's do it, baby!
Bye, Daddy.
She ain't no good for you.
Don't marry her again.
Hey, don't be crotch-blocking me,
you damn turd.
Sometimes a hand-milf
needs more than just hands.
She needs the slippery,
suckery touch...
of squid wigglers
from outer space...
Space... space... space... sp...
Uh, I don't mind
role-playing,
but these fellers
ain't even dressed up.
Oh, don't mind Alphonso
and Lucas.
I'm just so proud
we're back together,
I want to broadcast it
to the whole world.
Now talk them words.
Uh, glorp glorp gleepy...
glork.
Now...
take me to your wiener.
Gloop gloop
dippity doo.
There.
That's got it.
- Hell yeah! I mean glork...
- Mm, yeah.
Glork... glo-o-o-rk!
Glorkity glork glork,
baby!
Yeah!
Who has seven wigglers
and just got laid?
This guy!
What?
Who the hell would put
their damn pecker up in you?
That guy!
- I'll call ya.
- No, you won't.
Later, Gibby.
The answer is me.
This guy!
Whoo!
Daddy, I don't think you
and Mama are good together.
Well, too bad, 'cause we're
together forever this time, son.
This time, it's love.
It sure looks like
you're in love in this one.
Yep.
Homemade hentai tentacle porn.
Some real freak shit.
She told me she was filming this
just to have something
to show to our grand-youngrins!
Give me a peek
of that beak.
Don't be reaching
for the beak. Show me the beak!
I'm... I'm a little sensitive
about it.
- Are we rolling on this?
- My beak! Oh, no!
I opened up to her!
You sure did.
All the way up.
I'm no beak freak myself.
I only go to this site when
nothing else will get it done.
Open up!
Where you been?
Get your ass in wardrobe.
Your love for me
was no more real
than this toy version
of downtown Tokyo
you's had me destroy!
Oh, I've hurt you.
And that's the last thing
I wanted.
But I also like
subscriber-driven revenue,
and that's the firstthing
I wanted.
Wha-ho! Get your fingers
out of my B-hole.
But I'm weak for dat beak.
You're just feeding me
a damn line.
I ain't just
a life-support system
for these sexy-ass wigglers.
I got a soul!
I'm a person here!
I guess we're back
to fartin' on cakes.
Lucas,
switch to the telephoto.
♪ Happy birthday,
Mr. President ♪
Daddy, this video
is still up.
Your beak is hanging out
for the whole world to see.
I know!
I should have circumcised
your ass
when I had the chance,
you son of a bitch!
What are you doing?
No! No!
Oh, don't cut your beak off!
That's your moneymaker!
Yeah. That's right.
Listen to the purple one.
Just checked your comments.
They're blowing up.
"Buff Beakman scores
a direct hit
for this beak-seeking
missile."
CalamariCop just posted
raindrops... and eggplants?
That's a really good sign when
they start putting up veggies.
Ooh.
Somebody done some fan art.
A tattoo!
Well, looky there!
About damn time the Internet
started talking about me!
Daddy, this is a fetish thing
for weirdos with problems.
Looks like somebody's got
a touch of beak envy.
Please don't embrace this.
Keep clutching your pearls,
ya puritan!
I'm gonna keep doing me!
Mama is just using you,
Daddy.
I know, and she's out.
People don't come to Big
Wigglers to be chubby chasin'.
They come for my big
and naturals.
Ain't that right, beaky?
That's right!
Beaks out, freaks out!
I mean, nobody goes to that site
anyway, right?
Ooh.
- Rising from the briny deep...
- Mm.
This is gonna crash
my computer, ain't it?
You was warned not to come
into these waters.
Ha ha.
Don't forget to hit like
and subscribe!
It really helps us out!
Wow.
Early's normally very beak-shy.
Even when he exposes hisself
to women,
he makes sure to hide
the beak.
Hell, he won't even let me
cavity-search the thing.
That ain't the point,
Sheriff.
He's making pornography
in Dougal County.
We got standards
in this community!
Well, you're part of
the community, too, Detective...
Or should I say
TheCalimariCop?
I-I got hacked!
Somebody hacked me!
Member since 2007?
That... That there's
a friend's log-in!
I don't get off on this!
A samurai sword?
Yeah.
That's from my online wish list.
The fans just wanna
give back.
There's a fortune for you
in this business, too, son.
You got the assets.
- I'm down to clown!
- Yeah.
I got a wealthy fan flying in
from J-Pan tomorrow
for a live and in-person
tentacle tsunami.
I sure could use
some extra stunt wigglers.
I said I'm down to clown.
Did you hear me
when I just said that?
I don't think so, Daddy.
It's just the Internet.
It ain't like it's gonna be
up there forever.
So they just send you
this sword?
For free?
You like it? Keep it.
It's yours.
And there's plenty more
where that come from.
You just come on down
to the motel tomorrow afternoon,
and bring you wigglers.
We can finally, you know, bond
like you keep carrying on about.
Wait a minute. You ain't sayin'
that we're gonna...
Oh, no, no.
Not that way.
It ain't like we're pulling
a beak train.
She said she's down
to clown!
I heard ya,
and it's a hard pass!
And they sewed
fig leaves together
and made themselves loincloths.
And the Lord said,
"Who told you that
you were naked?
Have you eaten
from the tree
of which I commanded you
not to eat?"
Couple of prudes, right?
I mean, if you got it,
flaunt it.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Early, do you need something?
Just attention.
That's all.
I love what the Lord
done give me,
and so do others,
apparently.
You may have seen my vidjas...
"Beak Freaks on the Street,"
"Beak-a-Boo,"
"Weak for Dat Beak"...
Oh, we're well aware, Early.
In fact, we're going down to the
motel this afternoon to protest.
Plug the site.
Did I mention that I'm adding
on-demand customized videos
at TheresSuckerPornEveryMinute.
Com?
Okay, folks.
I think we're done for today.
Okay. We'll see everybody
at 2:00, all right?
Buff Beakman!
He's here!
You honor us,
Buff Beakman!
- Buff Beakman!
- Yes, yes, it is he.
Which one of y'all lucky mans
paid for the experience?
The Wiggler Tsunami
is for my beloved father,
but perhaps you would honor us
with your autograph
on our butt cheeks.
Oh, sure. Of course.
Anything for the fans.
You mentioned
some mystery wiggler?
That's right.
My son Rusty's
getting into the business.
- Oh!
- Oh!
Yes!
Oh-ai-ha!
I can't believe
I'm gonna do this.
At least he'll have you.
I'd give anything
to be in that room.
They call me grave bait.
Ah, let's go in there
and have some fun!
Let your beak flag fly!
It ain't my call,
but I wouldn't do it.
Heck no! No porno!
Go somewhere else
to suck and blow!
Heck no!
No porno!
There's the sodomite
right there!
Sexual deviant!
Oh, come on, Pastor.
It's just me.
Yeah, I know, Rusty.
It's just part of the job.
Smut peddler!
That's right! He is!
Welcome to the family business,
son!
Purveyors of filth!
Whoremongers!
Hey, y'all keep it down.
We're trying to get
clean audio in here.
There ain't nothing clean
going on in there!
Easy, Pastor.
Let's not kink-shame the man.
When it comes to sex,
who's to say
what's right or wrong?
The Bible, Sheriff!
But Kinsey tell us
that we're all somewhere
on a broad spectrum
of desire...
Hetero, homo,
BDSM leather daddies.
I mean, me personally,
I like to be sealed up
in a latex bag
with an air hose up my nose.
What does your precious Bible
have to say about that?
Now, I-I told y'all that
in confidence,
so don't run off
to your message board
with that little tidbit.
Y'all...
Glen, put your phone down.
Stop recording me.
All of you,
put your phones down.
Everyone, p-please...
Please disperse.
I-I've said
way too much now.
About goddamn time
you showed up.
Be sure to frame
his face out.
He don't likedoin' porno.
Ooh, yes.
Time for
my wiggler tsunami.
Wiggle 'em, Rusty.
Come on. Let's go.
Make 'em bounce.
Like this here.
Oh!
Give his man his show.
Ohh.
Yes.
I-I'm sorry, Daddy.
Sorry for what?
Wah!
Ha! Wah!
Aah!
Oh!
My wigglers!
Wah!
I ain't saying what you're doing
is right or wrong!
I'm just saying it's
really weird and embarrasses me
and I had to put a stop
to it!
This has turned me off
greatly.
I will accept these
as restitution.
Wait! No, no, no! Come back!
I still got the beak!
That's right!
Beaks out, freaks out!
Mm. Yeah.
Not a beak man.
Yoo-hoo!
- Hey! Where you going?
- I'm down to clown!
Hey, y'all want me to fart
on your California roll?
Fried rice?
What exactly do y'all fart on
over there?
Sync corrections by srjanapala