Sprung (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Chapter Three - full transcript

Governor's lettin' out a bunch
of non-violent inmates

because of the Coronavirus,
and you dumbasses are two of them.

- I thought you weren't a criminal.
- I'm not.

But you don't spend 26 years in prison
without learning a few things.

That's a Claude van Woodson.

It's probably worth half a million dollars
if we can get our hands on it.

Half a...

- I found your parents.
- Seriously? They're alive?

- Hello?
- Mom?

- Dad?
- Jack?

It's me!



Rooster, what's up, buddy?

Look who's ridin' shotgun who I been
havin' frequent sex with.

It's Wiggles, your old girlfriend,
in case you ain't see.

And I been havin' frequent sex with her,
in case you ain't hear.

Why do you have a picture
of Rooster's pecker?

I'm sorry. Whose pecker is that?!

Hi... Hi...
Excuse me... Um... Hello...

Hello...

Hello...

See you tomorrow, Bob.

Thanks for helping me get my necklace
out of that guy's beard.

Hello. Excuse me. Hi. Uh...

I was... I was wondering if, uh...

maybe, um...
I just wanted to give this to you.



Oh, I'm sorry.

We can't accept gifts from customers
once we're off the clock.

It's a real bummer.

I had to turn down a baby turtle once.

Oh, I'm not a customer.

My mom wouldn't even let me go in there.

See, I saw you at Pizza Hut last summer.

You... You ordered a pepperoni
and pineapple with extra napkins.

I went into the bathroom
to practice saying hello.

I came out, and you were gone.

I even got a job there,
hoping that you'd come back,

but you never did.

Yeah, I think their root beer
gave me diarrhea,

so I go to Little Caesars now.

You got a job at Pizza Hut for me?

Oh, it was just for,
like, a couple months.

I thought I'd never see you again,
but then... I drove by you on the sign.

What's your name?

Rooster.

Rooster.
Like the king of the chickens.

Exotic.

Screw this.

Ugh! Ooh!

Oh...

It's the craziest thing.

When I got locked up, they had,
what, three types of Gatorade?

I went to the grocery store this morning,
and there was this wall.

Like, a hundred varieties.

Blue Cherry, Green Apple,
something called Frost.

I didn't...
I didn't know where to start.

I'm sorry, what did you ask me?

The name of the town you're in.

Oh, that's right. Kimberton.

We've learned a lot about marijuana
since you got arrested.

Turns out, it's great!

Have you tried the gummies?

No, I haven't had
the opportunity to indulge.

Oh, you're gonna love it.

You bite the head off a gummy bear,
Wolf Blitzer becomes hysterical!

We can't wait to see you.

I suppose you can't come to San Diego
until it's safe to visit.

When you do,
don't make a big show of it.

Our neighbor's nephew, he stands out front
and plays the violin for them.

Same song over and over.

Last Tuesday,
I threw my soup at him.

Oh, God. I'm just glad
you have a free place to stay.

Actually, I might be able
to move to my own place soon.

My roommates might be upset if they knew,
but I have a job interview today.

You're kidding. For what?

Oh, you're gonna love this.

In prison,
I got a teaching degree online,

and there's an opening
at the local high school.

Son of a bitch.

So, what are you gonna wear?

Do you have a suit?

No, just Dad's tux
that I went to court in,

but the prison moths
did a number on it.

Do you think I need one?

Of course you need one.

You need to dress
like the man you wanna be.

Hey!

Don't be puttin' no toe nails in there,
tryin' to get a free dog again.

Nah, it's an engagement ring.

Oh, shit!
Look at Casanova up in here!

Good luck!

What'd you say you wanted again?

Half Mello Yello, half orange,
and half root beer.

I tried that a few times,
but it kept spilling.

Dogs are a little chucky today.

Rooster!

Ah, shit.

What did I tell you
about hanging out with this trash?

Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Oh, and my son dating a stripper
isn't embarrassing?

Stripper?
I dance in a bikini, Mrs. Martinez.

It's a completely different union.

And you should work there too.

You're still sexy and beautiful,
even if you don't always feel like it.

Why is she complimenting me
when I'm being mean to her?

She's nice.

It's creepy.

You need to make a choice.

Do you want a mother
or whatever this trash calls herself?

And keep in mind, if you choose her,
you're gonna be doing your own laundry

and making your own pizza bagels
for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry.

She's my mom.

Relax, asshole!
I'm trying to have a memory here!

Why politics?

Honestly, I got into politics
because I was bored.

People think being rich is easy,
but when you don't have to work,

figuring out a way
to fill up your day is a full-time job.

Hey, Barb.
You got an old suit I can borrow?

What do you need a suit for?

Oh, my... my parents told me
I got an uncle that lives nearby.

They asked me to go visit him,
but I wanted to look nice.

Sorry. My father only had one suit
and we buried him in it.

- Oh.
- I have a shovel in the garage.

Yeah, I told my uncle
I'd see him today at 2:30,

so I'm not sure
I got time to dig up a body.

Try Goodwill. And while you're out,
pick up some baby powder, would you?

Mine's disappeared
and I like to sprinkle it on the floor

to follow the mouse footprints
to their hideout.

Wait, you have mice?

Uh, yeah... it's a house.

Thanks.

Oh, hold on.

I think I found something
to help us rob the Congresswoman.

Ugh.

All right, well...

The third wife
of food additive tycoon Horace Tackleberry

is, in fact, quite wealthy,
thanks to her husband's father,

who invented Red Dye Number 39.

We get a penny every time
someone bites into a Twizzler

or slurps down
a spoonful of cherry Jell-o.

And those pennies add up.

Americans love their red foods.

Tackleberry insisted on
giving us a tour of her palatial estate,

pointing out some
of her favorite possessions:

salt and pepper shakers
from Saddam Hussein's winter home,

an expansive art collection,
including many pieces

she didn't seem to realize
were hung upside down,

stained-glass windows purchased
in the Notre Dame Fire fire sale,

and her favorite toy,
an automatic dog treat feeder

she can control with her phone
to check in on...

Ow!

...and feed her beloved Doberman
named Birthday Girl.

But one thing Tackleberry
doesn't want to boast about

are reports of her dumping
millions in personal stocks

while assuring the public that the virus
was nothing to be concerned with.

The, uh, administration is confident
that the virus won't reach America,

so there is no need to panic.

That said, if you do wanna start washing
your hands, no one's gonna stop you.

Were you dumping stocks
right at that moment?

I only agreed to do this interview

because you promised
you wouldn't ask that question.

How is any of this boring shit
gonna help us figure out

how to break into this woman's house
and steal that painting?

Check it out.

See these security cameras
inside her house?

They're everywhere.
And they're wireless.

We tap into her Wi-Fi and we get
24-hour surveillance inside her home.

Hmm.

We need her password.

That is not my area of expertise,
but I do know someone that can help.

You typed the "N" backwards, genius.

It's Russian.

Well, it's still backwards.

Hey.

Oh, what do you want?

I just wanna talk, you know?
I miss you.

Well, it's too bad. You made
your choice and you chose Mommy.

I'm with Melvin now,
who, by the way,

found a picture of your wiener
in his house

and he thinks you're up to something.

Yeah, well, it's not my wiener.

That's weird 'cause it looks like yours.

Maybe it's someone
who's part of a dopple gang?

My dad told me
about the dopple gangs

when I saw someone
who looked exactly like him

trying on women's shoes
at the flea market.

One dog per person today.
I'm low on supplies.

Partner up on napkins too.

Pick a side and stick with it
so you're not trading germs.

Wait, we don't gotta pay for these?

No. Almost everyone in the building
lost their jobs because of COVID,

so Wanda's feeding people until they catch
that bat that's making everyone sick.

Oh.

Look, I messed up, okay?
Just give me a second chance.

I wish we could go back to that day

where I put that engagement ring
in your hot dog.

You put an engagement ring
in my hot dog?

Yeah, that day at Wanda's when...

Oh, my God,
that's where it came from!

I heard a clink in the toilet,
looked down and saw something sparkle.

Oysters make pearls, and I thought
that maybe I made a ring

No, I bought you that ring
'cause I wanted to propose.

I still do.

Look, just give me back the ring
and I can put it in that hot dog

and we can start all over.

I love you, Wiggles Rosenstein.

Rooster, I...

You know, you can't just...

I don't even have that ring anymore.

What?

Well, nobody's making any money, so we're
all just trading stuff with each other.

I gave the ring to the dog groomer in 2J
for free haircuts,

and she gave it to the drug dealer in 1C
for some cocaine.

Sorry. I didn't know
that the ring was from you.

But it doesn't matter.
What's done is done.

The universe decided
what should happen

and God is the universe's boss,

so if God wanted us to be together,
he would tell the universe

to put that ring in another hot dog
and then I would swallow it

and then I would poop it out again
and then I would clean it off real good

and then I would marry you.

But that's not what God wants.

Hundred bucks.

I'm not here to buy coke.

If you're not here for...
Hey, watch out, homie.

If you're not here for coke,
what you want?

I wanna buy that ring on your finger.

I'll give you everything I have:

240 bucks and a rock that looks like
it might be from outer space.

I'll take it.

As a down payment.
Come back when you have ten grand.

You hear what I said to that asshole?

I said, "Come back
when you have ten grand."

What are you doing?

Smellin' for mouse piss.

Hey, Ma, you still got that gun
that I got you for Mother's Day?

It's in my underwear drawer. Why?

I need it.

And I'm taking the Pacer

'cause I can't hold the gun
and steer my bike at the same time.

Rooster.
You know the rule with the gun.

We have
a hundred-second cooling off period.

Now get down here and start countin'.

Hot damn! It's Russia!

Gloria's trying to hack
into the Congresswoman's security cameras,

so she's talking to some crazy chick
in Russia to get the password.

Shit is bananas!

No time. My uncle's
expecting me in 45 minutes.

She says she could give us a password,
but she needs five grand.

Five-thousand dollars for a word?

Well, what can I say,
you gotta spend money to steal money.

Yo, this guy I'm about to rob
has a ton of cash.

If Jack comes with me,
we could probably just...

How high did you count?

Thirty-six.

Thirty-seven...

Hey, Barb, do you have any makeup,
so I can cover this stupid prison tattoo?

Check my purse.

Ooh, Jack, we need five grand.

Which I have a perfect solution for.

How would you like to rob
an asshole drug dealer

who lives down the hallway
from Wiggles?

I was just there.

Hold the phone. What were you doing
hanging out with that trash?

She's not trash.

And what the hell
were you doing in her apartment?

She had one of my game controllers.
I just went to get it back.

Look, if we leave now,
we could probably just...

Yeah, today's not ideal for me.

Besides, it's too risky.

You rob regular people,
they call the cops.

You rob drug dealers,
they come looking for you.

Come on, this is perfect. If they come
looking for us, you could kick his ass.

I'm sorry, man, that's not really my vibe.

Oh, okay.

No wonder you're a goody two shoes,
'cause you don't really have any choice.

I wish I knew you couldn't fight
when we were cellmates.

I would've made you clean
the toothpaste out the sink.

Well, I guess you
squandered your opportunity.

Screw him.

Anyone wanna come with me
or am I robbin' this guy alone?

You're not robbing anyone.

If Jack says it's too risky,
it's too risky.

We'll figure out another way
to get the money.

This is bullshit!

How come Jack gets to make all the rules?
I'm a grown-ass man!

Forty-two... forty-three... forty-four...

How's it going?

Well, my arm's sweating,
so it's not sticking.

I tried rolling on some deodorant
as primer, but it's not working.

Here, let me.

Ooh!

- Can I help you?
- Is your son home?

No. Why?

Just wanted to check in on him.

You know,
one Eskimo brother to another.

Make sure he wasn't
harboring any ill will

about me sticking my ding-a-ling
in his ex's thing-a-ling.

Wiggles? He's over her.

Tossed her out like a pee bottle
on the interstate.

Well, still.
Tell Rooster I'd like to chat.

Mm.

You haven't come over
to buy toilet paper in a while.

Been constipated.

Hey, you guys seen Rooster?

I saw him go into your room
a little while ago.

Shit!

What?

Shit!

Shit!

He's gonna get himself killed.

Shit.

Last one.

Hey, sorry, folks, I'm all out. Sorry.

What the hell you doin', you pervert?
There's kids around here.

I'm not a pervert. I was just
trying to get something out of my pants.

Oh, shit!

Tough guy
comin' to get his ring, huh?

Pick him up, boys.

Ah, nah, come on.
Don't pick me up, boys.

And we're gonna have a little chat.

Uh, sorry, sweetheart,
I had to call off the dogs.

If I ever get one
of those stimulus checks,

I might be able
to start feedin' people again.

Hey, have some respect
for people's privacy.

I'm trying to pay my plumber.

Oh, shit, we're gonna
have some fun, lover boy.

Tryin' to steal my ring
for your girl, huh?

We're gonna play "Wheel of Fortune."

I spin the wheel and we find out
what your fortune is.

Let's try again.

Goddamn it.

You know how to fight, kid?

I used to wrestle in high school.
Does that count?

No.

Unless you ever wrestled
three gang members with toothbrush shivs.

No worries, just keep your eyes open.
You'll learn how to take care of yourself.

Hold up, we got a customer.

Hundred bucks.

Shoot this fool!

Why'd you kick me?

They can't know we're together
or they'll come after you. I'm sorry.

Where'd you learn to do all that?

Shh.

What's all that about?

You seen the spider tattoo on his neck?

Yeah.

That spider tattoo
means he's in the Serbian Mafia.

Anybody who's in the drug game
knows not to mess with the Serbian Mafia.

Serbians.

Serbians!

Rooster's fine. I gotta go.

Ooh.

Hello, old friend.

First of all,
I'd like to thank all the moms

for helping us
continue athletics from home.

So, so crucial to helping us
maintain normalcy for the kids

while we get through this pandemic.

Hunter, where's your mother?

She's in the hot tub doing synchronized
swimming practice with my sister.

Okay, well, try not to get bit.

Hey, I'm here about the English teacher
slash wrestling coach job.

Oh, thank God.

The old coach took early retirement
because of the virus

and I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'll meet you out front in a sec.

Okay.

Kyle, let go your mother's neck.
She's turning blue.

Sorry about the distance.
It's county protocol.

No problem.

Is this resume in pencil?

Yeah. I don't have a printer, so I just
traced the letters from the newspaper.

Okay.

Boy Scouts,
high school wrestling team...

- Mm-hmm.
- Homecoming court.

Not the king, just part of the court.

Still a thrill.

I bet.

You did some dog sitting
from 1990 through 1994 and...

I'm seeing a bit of a lull.

Is there a reason why you didn't list
your job at the extermination company?

Oh. Oh, this is just a loner because...

Okay, this is something
I didn't wanna get into,

but, uh...
I have a bit of a history some people

might jump to unfortunate conclusions
about upon hearing.

I spent the last 26 years in prison.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's not as bad as it sounds.

I just... I sold some pot and it was back
when they had mandatory minimums,

so I...

I love prison.

Excuse me?

I love it. I really do.
Can't get enough.

Orange Is the New Black,
Shawshank, Oz.

Oh, you remember Oz?

Oh, man. Is that a prison tattoo?

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

It's a two and a seven
'cause I was dealt a bad hand.

The guy even put little pot leaves.

Oh, that is so cool.

Listen, I'd love to hire you.

Oh, thank you so much.
You are not gonna regret this.

Oh, man.
Oh, my parents are gonna flip.

They were both teachers,
so this is gonna make them super proud.

Yes, well, this is awkward.

I wasn't finished.

The state won't allow me to hire
a teacher with a felony drug conviction.

Wait, what? Are you kidding me?

No, I wish I was
'cause you seem like a great guy.

Have you considered being an exterminator?
Shirt looks nice.

Red seems to agree with you.

I wanted to teach.

You could teach those bugs a lesson
for coming into the house.

I'm just trying to help.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, was your uncle
excited to meet you?

I had an uncle I met later in life.

His name was Uncle Nate.
Nice guy, but he was kind of handsy.

But he had Bell's palsy,
so it wasn't too hard to fight him off.

His wife was a piece of work.

Everyone called her Bunny,
but she looked more like a turkey to me.

She had a long, flabby chin.

It looked like her mouth
had melted down into her neck,

but, boy, she could sing like an angel.

I'll tell you this one thing...

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

Are you moving in with your uncle?
Can I come? There's mice here.

There is no uncle.
I had a job interview.

A job interview? For what?

An English teacher
who also coaches wrestling.

But it doesn't matter
because apparently you can't be a teacher

if you've been in prison
for selling drugs.

Why would you wanna be
an English teacher?

Who also coaches wrestling.

Probably also would have done carpool
drop-off duty and chaperoned dances.

Oh, I would've crushed it.

But we're gonna make bank
off this Congresswoman.

You stole enough cash
to get the password,

and from here,
it's only a matter of time.

I'm not robbing any Congresswoman.

I don't wanna be doing
any of this bullshit.

I could have been killed today
because of Rooster.

It's not who I am.
I'm not a criminal.

Yeah, you keep saying that,
but you helped us Rob Melvin.

You helped us rob the vet clinic...

They were shitty people.

And even then,
I went and snuck some of our cash

to good people,
to feel okay about it.

I stole because I thought I had no choice,
but I do and I'm leaving.

To where?

Parents in San Diego.

If I had to leave a couple of bottles
behind, what flavor would you drink?

Jack, you can't leave me here
with these idiots.

I can't rob the Congresswoman alone.

Today Barb asked if we'll see ghosts
on the security cameras.

Well, let me know if you do.

- Excuse me.
- Well... Okay.

Yeah.

What if you could be a teacher
after we're done?

I told you they won't let me
be a teacher.

So stop being you.

You think I only know people
who can get passwords?

I can get you a brand-new identity,
passport, Social Security card,

driver's license, any name you want.

Frank or Doug or Travis.
Any of those sound good?

You could start fresh.

I just need you for a few weeks first.

All right, when you say we're gonna
make bank off this Congresswoman...

You'll be the wealthiest English teacher
who also coaches wrestling in America.

Rooster's gonna jump off the roof,
hit the trampoline,

and launch himself over the garage!

This is the best thing that's happened

since my sister tried
to ride a tire down the street.

One of those tractor ones
from a farm.

How cool are animals?
Did you know that mama cows...

You hide the ladder,
I'll flush the coke.

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

I still think it's impossible for a mouse
to run off with all that cocaine.

I don't know. According to cartoons,
they're pretty crafty little devils.

Oh, yeah, they're havin' a party.

You know what? Good for them.
It can't be easy being a mouse.

You guys, we're in.

"The Real Housewife of
Congressional District Ten" is on the air.

Oh, my God, is she rich.
Her TV comes with an exercise bike.

That's wonderful news! Congratulations!

Not bad, kid, not bad.

Yeah, I can't believe it myself.

I'll call you after my first day.
I love you.

Your parents?

Yeah.

I don't like lyin' to 'em like that,

but I thought they deserved
to be proud of me for once.

What's this?

I didn't tell the others, but the dealer
had a lot more cash than five grand.

I thought maybe you could show me what
it is you do to feel good about yourself.

Tell your friends we are back in business!

An angel left enough dogs and buns
on my doorstep to feed folks for weeks.

Which should be more than enough

because Trump promises
this will be all over by Easter.

It's pretty cool, huh?

I gotta say, I thought you were crazy,
but you were right.

- Mm.
- It feels good.

Yeah. Sure does.

God sent me.

Show me your pecker.

Hey, come on, man.
There's no need to...

I said show me your pecker!

Okay.

You got some explaining to do, Cinderella.

Why are you with this guy?

He's an asshole and his house
smells like a can of tennis balls.

Actually, that's him, not the house.
He has a unique musk.

Uh, no offense, dude,
but shouldn't you have a mask on?

None of you have a mask on.

This is the best reality show
I've ever seen.

Hogan Knows Best was up there,
but this is pure, unfiltered reality.