Sprung (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Chapter Four - full transcript

Governor's letting out a bunch
of non-violent inmates

because of the coronavirus,
and you dumbasses are two of them.

What'd you get locked up for?

Credit card cloning, identity theft,
conspiracy to commit wire fraud, and...

wire fraud.

At least you follow through.

If one of you snores, you might want to
plug up the bullet holes.

After dinner, we visit Melvin's place

and steal us some toilet paper.

We're gonna steal more
than toilet paper, though, right?

You said he got paid in cash?



Those politicians you mentioned

who were dumping stocks
while lying about the virus?

Turns out, one of them's from around here.

Congresswoman Tackleberry.

Check it out.
That's a Claude Van Woodsen.

It's probably worth half a million
dollars if we can get our hands on it.

We're not robbing any congresswoman.

I don't wanna be doing
any of this bullshit.

The state won't allow me to hire

- a teacher with a felony drug conviction.
- Wait. What?

What if you could be a teacher
after we're done?

I told you they won't let me be a teacher.

So, stop being you.
I can get you a brand new identity.

I just need you for a few weeks first.



See these security cameras
inside her house?

They're everywhere.
We tap into her Wi-Fi,

and we got 24-hour surveillance
inside her home.

You guys, we're in.

The Real Housewife of
Congressional District 10 is on the air.

Why do yo have a picture
of Rooster's pecker?

I'm sorry. Who's pecker is that?!

Show me your pecker.

You got some explaining to do, Cinderella.

Come on, man.
My hand's startin' to hurt.

Melvin stop.
He doesn't respond to pain.

One Halloween he didn't have a costume,
and he made me stab him in the shoulder

with that little pocket knife
he keeps in his back pocket.

This little rinky-dink thing.

Where you get this from?
A gumball machine?

Look, I know you robbed me, bro.
You left a picture of your dick.

Just tell me who helped you.

Your mother helped me.

And it ain't my dick. It's hers.

Wiggles, you want some coffee
and donut holes?

I'm too tired for coffee.

I'll take a Kool-Aid.
Put it in my fun cup.

Why are you with this guy?

He's an asshole,

and his house smells like
a can of tennis balls.

Actually, that's him, not the house.

He has a unique musk,
but I'm willing to overlook that.

I wanna have a daughter
while I'm still young enough

to do fun stuff with her
like going to waterparks

and/or taking mushrooms.

So, have a baby with me.
I love babies!

Every time I see one in the grocery store,
I make funny faces,

and they usually make funny faces back.

You get arrested too much.

And Melvin doesn't break the law?

He's been assaulting me all night.
He was so quick to drag me in here

that he parked more than 18 inches
from the curb.

But he doesn't get caught.

I need to raise my baby with a criminal
who only goes to jail a little.

A father needs to be there
to teach his little girl how to fight

or explain why their mother
can't get out of bed for a few days.

Thanks, baby.

What's wrong, buddy?
You didn't like that?

There are four of us!

This not having a maid shit
is bullshit, Horace.

Yesterday I was in Congress
voting on a stimulus bill.

Today I'm chiseling skid marks!

We don't know how many people
Lucia has been around.

She goes to birthday parties in the park,
for Christ's sake.

If she brings the COVID in here,
with my mesothelioma,

I'll be dead in a week!

I mean, what the hell
have you been eating, anyway?

It's like you're shitting out
Sharpie marker!

The medicine that I'm on
gives me dark stools.

Have you been watching that all night?

This is the best reality show
I've ever seen.

Hogan Knows Best is up there,

but this is pure, unfiltered reality.

And I get to see everything,

It's like I'm God, but without
the responsibility of making tornados

and coming up with all those
different kinds of fishes.

Have you ever seen one of those
real-life movies about the ocean?

There is some crazy shit in that water.

I won't go in above my ankles.

- Is, uh, there gonna be breakfast?
- Oh, I haven't had time to make it yet.

Uh, so is it okay if I fix
a little something to eat?

Why wouldn't it be okay?

I just didn't know if I had
kitchen privileges.

It's not prison, Jack.

You can pour yourself a bowl of cereal
without permission.

Actually, I think Barb is the only one
who can authorize--

You can use the kitchen, Cool Hand.

Thank you.

Come here. Sit down.

This rich bitch has no idea how to clean.

She just vacuumed the sink.

Barb, none of that matters.

Just write down when they come and go
so we know the best time to break in.

Hello, Bar.

Nicaraguan lady.

How did you know I was from--

It's a gift.
I can detect all the flavors.

So, uh, are there any restrictions
on the... waffles?

Is this him?

Yeah.

What are you two doing together?

Oh, me and Chicken Little?
We've been chattin'.

And he's been spillin' all the tea.

You guys knocking me out,
stealing my ATM card.

I'm sorry. He found my dick pic
at his house, he tied me up,

and then he did love stuff with Wiggles.

Uh, no offense, dude,
but shouldn't you have a mask on?

None of you have masks on.

Well, we all live together, so...

And I spit on Rooster three times last
night and tea-bagged his Fruit Loops,

so I guess I'm officially
part of your bubble.

So, I hear you're some kind
of criminal mastermind.

I'm not a criminal or a mastermind.

Just learned a few things inside.

He also tells me you only rob bad people,

which, as one of your victims,
I'm a little offended by.

But since the only information you know
about me was given to you

by this dipshit and his foot-faced mother,

I'll try not to take it personal.

- What the hell does "foot-faced" mean?
- It means your face looks like a foot.

I don't see it.

That's a cute little jumper you got on.

Look, man, I'm cool if you're gay, okay?
But just so you know,

I'm a little dyslexic,

so I struggle with the whole BQLTG stuff.

What do you want, Melvin?

You want your money back?
Fine, we'll pay you back.

Oh, no. I'm gonna take it out of your cut
from your next job.

You guys work for me now.

Uh...

Or I could tell the po-po about these
juicy little robberies y'all been doin',

and you all can go back to prison.

So, we have a deal?

Where's your bathroom?
In my rush to get here this morning,

I think I put my drawers on backwards.

Upstairs.

Hey, way to go, Mac.

Ah, damn it. This is a knot.
Can you do this?

I can't believe how stupid you were.

Oh, please. You knew exactly
how stupid he was.

He messed up. Let it go.

How much does he know about
the congresswoman job?

Oh, shit. I totally forgot about
the congresswoman thing.

I guess we should tell him
so he can clear his schedule.

No, Rooster! We shouldn't!

Look. No one mentions the congresswoman.

In the meantime,
we do whatever Melvin says

until we figure out
how to get him off our ass.

All right, fellas, you comin' with me.

Mastermind, go wait out on the porch.

But I haven't had my breakf--
Never mind.

Rooster, you think you can keep
your thumbs out of your ass

long enough to carry some stuff?

Only did that one time.

And ladies, not gonna need you on this,

but maybe y'all could rustle up
something yummy for when we get back.

Maybe some of those Nicaraguan donuts.

Buñuelos de yuca.

Hey, fellas, hold up.

- We could kill him.
- Kill him?

- I thought you were religious.
- I am.

Read the Bible sometime.
That thing's wall-to-wall murder.

You're just gonna keep
steppin' in shit, aren't ya?

Rooster, you're driving.

Oh, man. I haven't smoked in 26 years.

Sounds like you're overdue.

Scooch over a little bit.
The seatbelt's in my ass crack.

I think this husband
might need new knees.

He's been trying to stand up
for five minutes now.

Oop, there he goes.

Hup? Ooh. Nope. Down again.

I was with an older man once. Fourteen.

I was thirteen.

Prude didn't wanna do
anything more than kiss, though.

I was always mature for my age.

First one in my Brownie troop
to get a pube.

Of course, they don't
give you a badge for that.

Mm-hmm.

All right, come on!

I'm sittin' here
trying to make conversation,

and I can't get a word out of you.

I'm trying to think of a way
to solve our Melvin problem.

You can't think and be friendly
at the same time?

- I didn't know this was a date.
- You're lucky it's not a date.

By now I would have gone to the bathroom,
snuck out the window,

and left you alone
in a duckpin bowling alley for five hours

doing God knows what.

I actually did that to a guy, and I have
no idea what he did after I left.

What exactly are you looking for here?

'Cause I never compared pubes with
the girls in my Brownie troop, okay?

That's not normal.

Human connection!

I mean, with you living here, I thought
maybe finally I'd have a gal pal.

But clearly you're not interested
in being pals with this gal.

Uh...

It's like when you're at the
airport and you forget to bring snacks.

And now you gotta buy it
from a store in the terminal,

but they jack the shit up
like three times the price.

That's when I realized that this stuff
that people really needed--

- Someone just open a can of tennis balls?
- Nah, that's me.

If it's something people really needed,
like toilet paper,

I could charge them for it.

- Supply and demand.
- Ooh, I like that.

"Supplyin' the man," 'cause I'm supplyin'
the man with the things he needs.

- Wow.
- Oh, but women buy stuff, too,

so I don't know if that works.

Hey, Rooster, you remember J.J.'s Wings?

He was too stupid
to work the cash register,

so they put him outside in a chicken suit
holding the sign.

- What'd it say?
- "Honk if you give a cluck."

Well, I'm surprised
he didn't screw that up, too.

Right?

Oh, did you hear that?
Am I thinking really loud?

I guess so, but you're right.

This dude so dumb, he once stared at
an orange juice carton for 20 minutes

because it said "concentrate."

No, I didn't!

He's so stupid, he thought Tupac Shakur
was a Jewish holiday.

I know Tupac ain't no holiday!

And stop laughing, man.
Handle your weed!

I'm sorry. The guy's funny.

Did you make up all these jokes, Melvin?

Nah, man. My uncle gave me an insult
joke book for my fifth birthday.

I used to go ham on my grandma.

And you still remember them
like twenty-some years later?

That's an impressive skill, Melvin.

I guess I'm a good remembererer.

- Wait. What was I sayin'?
- "Supplyin' the man."

Oh yeah! Make a left.

When I see a need in the marketplace,
I fill it.

Lately, I've been hearing that
with people stuck at home,

they've been pickin' up new hobbies.
Make a right.

Makin' things with paint,
makin' bread with bread juice.

Makin' songs with instruments.

So, I went online, and sure enough,

the prices for musical instruments
are through the roof!

That's when I realized

I know an abandoned building in town
with a whole room full of instruments.

- You wanna rob a school?
- It's empty 'cause of COVID.

All we gotta do is park around back
and pick one lock.

- They don't have cameras in that thing?
- Nah.

And if you didn't get kicked out of
the ninth grade, you'd know that.

I didn't get kicked out.

All right? I got a B- on a science quiz.

I decided to go out on top.
My choice.

I bet if we hurry,
we could get done in an hour.

- Wait. You wanna do this right now?
- Yeah. Why not?

Because it's in the middle of the day...

and we're high.

I'm not tryin' to go back to prison.

Besides, I don't wanna rob a school.
Especially not this one.

The principal seemed like
a really nice guy.

I was here a few days ago
for a job interview.

Why?

Because I got a degree in prison,
and I was hoping that I--

I don't-- it doesn't matter. Can't you
think of someone else for us to rob?

I told you, man. He only robs bad people.
It's annoying.

It sounds to me like the principal was
an asshole. He didn't give you the job.

Nah. It wasn't his fault. The school
system won't hire an ex-con.

That's even worse!

How do they expect you to make
something out of yourself

if they're not willing to
give you a chance.

The whole point is to rehabilitate.

Bullshit like that is the reason
this system is a revolving door.

Yeah. You're right. That's actually--

That's actually really well-said, Melvin.

Thanks. I am good with words.

I should've been on that team

that challenges other schools
to talk about shit.

- Debate?
- Nah, I don't wanna debate it.

I'm just saying I'm good at it.

You don't have to feel bad about
stealing from them.

They're treating you
like a criminal anyway.

But you're probably right about
not doin' this during the day.

We got a bit of time to kill.
You boys like baseball?

Heh.

I'm sorry. You've been very nice
letting me stay here.

I would love to... be your gal pal.

Sit down. I'll make us some wine.

Did you say "make"?

It's from a box,
but I like to doctor it up

based on the time of day and season.

So... let's start gal-palin'.

Tell me how you ended up in jail.

And take it way back.
Pretend I'm Oprah.

Fine. When I was little,

I realized some people had
a lot more money than others.

Then, a few years later,

when the cash from my fast-food job
wasn't adding up fast enough,

I had this great idea
on how to make more money

by hollowing out all my old books.

I listed them online as a great place
to hide your valuables.

Of course, anyone who bought one
would give me their address.

And that was the key to the whole thing,

because, after that, all I had to do was
remember where I sent what book,

hide for a little while, and then wait
for the right time to sneak in.

It was actually
a pretty clever first scam.

And when it worked, it felt amazing.

I went to college, but I only took courses

that helped me become a better con woman.

Psychology, accounting, computers...

Eventually I dropped out,
hopped from city to city,

making friends with rich people and then
disappearing with their money.

That's amazing!

So, how does a partially college-educated
con artist eventually get caught?

- Mayonnaise.
- Come again?

I told the guy not to
put mayonnaise on my sub,

but when I took the first bite,
it was 75% mayonnaise.

And, to be fair, he started it.

Anyway, one thing led to another.
Things got ugly.

Yeah. The video went viral,
and someone I scammed recognized me.

I got six years...

but only had to serve three,
thanks to COVID.

Wow!

I wouldn't have spent a day in jail
if it wasn't for this one stupid mistake.

Hey. We all make mistakes.

And the internet is full of viral videos
that are way worse than yours.

Barb, what is this?

Oh, this is disgusting!

Barb, Barb! Why would you show me this?!

That was you?

The guy who lived there
never cleans up after his dog.

Oh.

Now that I know the backstory,
that's kind of funny.

- Wanna see it again?
- I do not.

Yep. Right there is good.
You'll have a great view.

Whoa! Check it out!
How cool is this?

It's like a tissue forest.

That's a lot of toilet paper, Melvin.

Yeah. I recently doubled the prices.

It take a little while for
the neighborhood to adjust to inflation.

But there are two certainties
in life, Jack-- death and shitting.

You're gonna love this game.
No spoilers, but in the sixth inning...

You know what? Just watch it.
You're gonna love it.

Yes!

Ahh.

Shit! Come on, man!

Hey, what's, uh...
what's goin' on with your boyfriend?

He likes to pretend he's playing again
like when he was little.

It's fun. I tried one time with my old
gymnastics competitions,

but my dad only recorded the other girls
for some reason.

- So, Melvin, that's you pitching?
- Yeah.

All-state till I threw out my shoulder
in junior high.

Throwing too hard?

Nah, I just slept on it funny.

I played some ball when I was younger.

This is a really cool idea, Melvin.

Thanks. Take third base.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You look like you can handle
the high corner.

I got an extra glove in my room.

- Can I play?
- No. You're too short.

Taller than the kid playin' second.

Probably would've jumped up
and caught that last one.

I said no. Just sit in the stands.
You can try to get an autograph later.

- Look alive. This one is comin' to you.
- Hup.

Nice snag!
And you throw a rope to first base!

Thanks, Melvin. I feel like I would have.

Pfft. You throw like a girl.

Oh, oh. Uh-oh. Foul ball!

You gotta keep your eyes peeled, man.

I don't need this shit.

Y'all just keep laughin' at me,
callin' me dumb, and won't let me play.

And now I got nacho cheese on me!

I'm gonna be hot and wet for a while,
and then I'm gonna be cold and soggy.

And then after that,
I'm gonna be all crusty!

- You can go to hell.
- Oh well. You know what? Good.

You'd probably end up leaving
a picture of your dick laying around

for the cops to find anyway.

Pfft. No doubt.

All right, we're up. You lead off.

Somethin' funny?

Hello, Stan.

Just bringin' dinner to Mama.
Pot stickers.

It's killing her
she can't get down to Wang's

and get 'em hot and crispy
right out of the fryer.

But COVID, right?
What are you gonna do?

- You good?
- Peachy.

Shouldn't you get those stickers to mom
while they're still warm-ish.

Yeah. Yeah, good idea.

Who was that?

Stan. He grew up next door.

When we were little, we used to play

"Show me yours; I'll show you mine."

He liked mine a lot more than I liked his.

Then, in high school,
I discovered strawberry wine.

Made the mistake of sleeping with him.

Then again before I got married.

Then twice after my husband died.

- Now he won't leave me alone.
- Aww. He likes you. That's nice.

Nice? Yuck. No thank you.

Mama needs a little excitement
in the sack.

Speaking of that, what's goin' on
with you and Jack?

Rooster told me you guys
had a thing in prison.

Well, we just used to talk to each other
through the toilet. That's all.

And turns out, he was lying
the whole time, so...

So? So what?
Men lie all the time.

Stan already got his mother pot stickers
an hour ago.

I saw them through the kitchen window.

Why are you back?

Because the first time I came by,
Barb wasn't on her porch.

Just put them in the freezer.

All I'm saying is
you've been locked up for three years.

I know you're itchin' to get laid.

Maybe it's time to scratch that itch.

Look, if I thought it could just be sex,
I might treat myself.

But you think we're desperate?
Jack's been locked up for 26 years.

The other day, our knees touched,
and I thought he was gonna explode.

Trust me. If I feed him,
you're not gonna be the only one

having a stray cat following you around.

That reminds me. Halloween 2012.
I went as Catwoman.

Slept with Stan that night, too.

Mom wants dessert, so don't be surprised

if you see me again in a few minutes.

It takes a special type of man

to make me dislike my own damn porch.

Hey, Melvin, I dropped that wooden flute
back there. Would you grab it?

Hey, what's the deal with
that hot chick in y'all crew?

You tappin' that shit?

Oh, Gloria? No, we have not... tapped.

We talked some in prison, but...

Since we've been out, I'm kinda realizing
that she's a little out of my league.

Any man can get any woman
if he pushes the right buttons.

What exactly did you mean when you said,
"push the right buttons," Melvin?

Oh, shit. Lookin' to get a little
schoolin' from the master, huh?

Well, yeah. I don't know.
Yeah. I mean maybe.

Wiggles is really cute.
I'm impressed, Melvin.

And I'd love to know how you managed
to persuade her to be... tapped.

Human psychology.

When Wiggles was a kid,
she didn't have much physical affection.

So, I got her one of those heavy blankets

so every night she feels like
she's being snuggled.

Plus, she can't get from up under it
without me,

so every morning I'm a hero.

- That's really smart, Melvin.
- I know, right?

Shit!

- This is Rooster's dinky-ass knife!
- Son of a bitch!

Must've followed us to the school
and done this while we was inside.

Why would he leave his knife
in the tire, though?

He's gotta know we're gonna
beat the shit out of him.

- Not if we in jail!
- Oh, no.

Shit, man! Her set us up
and wanted us to know it!

No, no, no, no, no.
This can't be happening!

I can't go back!
I didn't even wanna do this, man!

I did 26 years!
I'm not supposed to go--

- I can't do this!
- Just go.

What?

Even if I ran, they're gonna trace
this truck back to me.

You can get away. Ain't no need
for us both to get pinched.

Are you for real?

Yeah.

You're a good dude, man.
And a solid third baseman.

Just promise me when you see Rooster,
you beat the shit out of him.

Not a problem.
Melvin, I don't know how to thank you.

Just go!

All right, calm down.
Nothing here but some stolen instruments

and a very relaxed brother on weed.

- Ooh.
- Hey. Did it work?

- Like a charm.
- Did what work?

Rooster said you were
robbing the school with Melvin.

- You didn't tell her?
- Nah.

I was afraid she'd stop making donuts.

What's going on?

Well, I told you I used to
read a lot in prison, right?

A few years ago, I read a book
by a guy named Dale Carnegie.

I thought it might help me make friends
after I got released.

In it he breaks down the basic principles
of getting someone to like you.

First, use the person's name a lot,

because the person's name, to that person,

is the most beautiful word
in any language.

Melvin, Melvin, Melvin...

Secondly, ask people about themselves
and pretend to care.

So, Melvin, that's you pitching?

Wiggles is really cute.
I'm impressed, Melvin.

And I'd love to know how you managed
to persuade her to be... tapped.

Third, make other people feel important.

Yeah. You're right. That's actually--

That's actually really well-said, Melvin.

Thanks.

And you still remember them
like twenty-some years later?

Guess I'm a good remembererer.

Lastly, smile.

Before I knew it, Melvin started to
see me as a team mate.

But then I needed to let
my real team mate in on the plan.

Oh, that's genius! I thought
you were losin' your mind.

Hopefully it all works out.
Give me your knife.

We just have to figure out a way
for you to get pissed off enough

to storm out of here.

I think I have an idea.

Foul ball!

Hey, Melvin, I dropped that wooden flute
back there. Would you grab it?

Hey, what's the deal with
that hot chick in y'all crew?

You tappin' that shit?

Oh, Gloria? No, we have not... tapped.

When did Jack say
he and Melvin would be back?

Shouldn't be too much longer.

Hi. Yes. I'd like to report
a break-in at the school.

I saw a dark blue truck
driving north on Center Street.

And when the cops were on their way,

Melvin actually volunteered
to take the hit.

See? Y'all were mad at me, but...

everything worked out just fine.

Melvin also made me promise
to beat the shit out of Rooster.

Maybe you should.

We wouldn't be in this mess if he didn't
screw up in the first place.

Are those jelly beans?

Yep. It's Easter dessert wine.

My new gal pal made it for me.

Mmm.

- Oh. That's not bad!
- I know!

Hey. Put your shoes on.
I wanna show you something.

Come on.

Where are we goin'?

You seem a little down on yourself.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

Something I do when I need
a little pick-me-up.

Nice.

Thank you!

You're welcome!

Feels good, right?

I... quit!

I have loaded that dishwasher
for the last time.

We are going to the beach house Thursday.

Friday, Lucia is coming.

And the house can air out all weekend
while no one's here.

I'm done!

They're going away for the weekend.

They're going away for the weekend!

We're gonna be rich!

Gloria and I are gonna
walk to the phone store.

If we're gonna hit
the congresswoman's house Saturday,

we're all gonna need to be able
to communicate.

So, it takes two people to go
to the phone store, does it?

Is this a date?

This is a big job.
It has to be perfect.

Since she won't let me tell Wiggles I'm
gonna be rich, I been doin' some googling.

This site "WikiHow"--

It's, like, doctors and scientists
and shit.

It said that the best way
to get Wiggles back

is to look handsome
and act like I don't like her.

God! That's like needles!