Spreadsheet (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Episode #1.7 - full transcript
[woman moaning]
[kissing sounds]
Oh Serge!
Oh my goodness.
Hm okay, this could
get a bit tricky.
Hm. I mean, um,
do we have a plan?
Because you're both
quite large guys and ah...
..is there...
[Lauren sighs]
..an order
that we should...
[sighs] I guess we'll
figure it out.
Oh!
[Lauren moans]
Huh?
[men moaning]
Excuse me?
I'll see myself out.
[louder] I'll see myself out.
[men moan in climax]
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
[upbeat music]
[Ange] No, I don't know
why Peter's here.
But we do have a
Partner meeting tomorrow,
so maybe he'll
tell me then.
Oh Lauren I'll need
you there as well.
No problem.
Yeah what's this--
Peter Cook's here from London.
Peter Cook?
It's her brother who
she doesn't talk to.
I'm the first Cook by the way.
[laughs] Too many cooks!
What does he need?
Oh no, he's just stopping by
on his way back to London.
According to his P.A.
Apparently he's too busy to
tell me that he's coming
himself.
It'll be budget cuts,
I'm telling you heads
are going to roll!
[Ange] So tomorrow, oh he is
such a pain in the bum,
when it comes to finances.
Or a merger.
So, can I get you to prepare
a full report of your
quarterly billings.
Absolutely! Don't worry.
I'll have a chat with Alex--
-[Alex] Huh?
-[Lauren] We'll sort that out.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Cool! So how was it?
Oh my god! Well I just thought
having a threesome with two
men,
would be more satisfying.
Hmm. Right!
Were you in the middle?
-No.
-Oh god were you at the end.
No.
See that seems like an awful
lot of jobs in that situation.
Not enough jobs in turns out.
I feel quite let down.
Maybe it's the men
that are involved.
-Next time, why don't we-- -No,
there won't be a next time.
I don't want to enable two men
to disappoint me at
the same time again.
They manage that perfectly
well one by one.
[Ange] Oh Lauren, can I grab
you for a minute right now.
I'm just about to
start the report now.
Oh yeah,
it'll only take a minute.
Well I was hoping for a
suggestion from you.
How, how to help me with this.
[Ange] Well I just can't seem
to get an actual date.
What am I doing wrong?
[Alex] Is that Tough Mudder?
[Ange] Yes! Came 75th. Woo!
That's great. Fitness is good.
-[Ange] Yes.
- But that's a bit aggressive.
Oh, I see, I see.
[Lauren] No one you're going
to have sex with needs to know
that you were the
keynote speaker at the
'Deliberations on the
Economics in Family Law'
conference in 2012.
Really?
And use a multiple
choice question
with anyone
you match with
and just copy and
paste it to everyone.
That's a real time-saver.
And I am a very busy woman.
[cuckoo, cuckoo]
Where is the
fucking potato peeler?
Oh Floss, language!
Sorry, where is the
bloody potato peeler?
Well have you looked in here?
Yes! I've looked in there.
It's orange.
Darling just use a knife--
It's not the 18th Century Mum,
and I've got a perfectly good
potato peeler.
I think Lola must have used it
for an experiment or something.
Oh. Hi Roger, Carol.
-Oh Jake.
-Hi Jake.
Woo, woo, woo,
easy with that knife.
[laughs]
Yes, she's peeling potatoes
with a massive knife
because I can't find
the bloody potato peeler.
-Oh the orange one?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I took that the other
day.
Why?
It's just I've been
sorting out stuff
because Nancy and I are
moving in to a new house,
and I realised
it was still here.
You're moving?
Combining incomes? Good idea.
Yeah, it's a huge space Roger.
Honestly.
Great. Well you can take that
awful cuckoo clock in that
case.
But you wanted that.
No, it was a present
from your Mum,
but if you're moving
to a massive house--
All right you two.
Well you can take that
awful vacuum cleaner as well.
That's okay, I got a Dyson.
You, what!
Now, we were going to get a
Dyson but it turns out--
No Dad. Sorry Dad.
You got a Dyson?!
Yeah.
So I had to use that piece of
shit vacuum cleaner for 5
years,
which you found on
the side of the road--
It was actually a perfectly
good vacuum though.
That a cat had pissed in Jake!
And now you've got
a fucking Dyson.
[Jake] Yeah, it's just really
quiet and efficient.
Yeah! Yeah I know.
Nice to see you guys.
[upbeat music]
[Roger] Right,
that's the last one.
It's like the
contents of my mind.
So when do you
head off tomorrow?
8:15, be there by 3:42,
give or take.
I can't wait to take the girls
to see those penguins.
Oh, look at this one.
Recycle it. I can't keep every
painting they do Mum.
Darling, why are you suddenly
having a clear out anyway--
I just need some space.
[phone bings] Done!
Now we can call you on the
sat phone wherever we are.
That's great Dad.
I think this is called
'conscious uncoupling'.
No I mean, Jake gets to
start afresh, whereas I'm left
with all the shit we've
collected over the years.
Look at this one.
Is it Lola's?
Darling, you have to admit
her use of colour
is really something.
Yeah. Bin it!
Honestly Mum I can't
keep everything.
Jake gets to purge,
I want to purge.
And just finishing off
everyone, if we take a look at
our last...
Flipping nightmare.
He wants to audit
all the high profile cases,
and he's insisting on meeting
all of the Associates.
Personally, I'm telling you
Peter's up to something.
Hmm, maybe he's
just being friendly.
[laughs] Friendly!
No! Not my brother.
[Ange] Sorry, can I just run
something by you quickly?
Yeah.
I got a match.
-Oow.
-I know.
His name's Javier and he owns
his own dry-cleaning business.
Might be useful.
That's what I thought.
So, I sent him a
multiple-choice ice breaker,
just like you told me.
"If you were a dessert -
would you be:
-a) Tiramisu,
-Okay.
-b) Banoffee Pie,
-Hmm.
-or c) Vanilla Ice Cream?"
-Okay.
Yeah, and he said,
"Banoffee Pie, because I'm
tasty and full of cream..."
I'm just not sure
how to reply to that one.
Yeah. Okay so, um,
Banoffee pie...
[both] Bananas, toffee, cream!
Okay, yep I got it.
[typing sounds] Yes, yeah,
yeah, there you go.
Just got to convert the sale.
Yes, convert the sale.
Thank you.
No worries.
[Peter Cook] Your work has been
very impressive, this is why...
[Ange] How soon do they
respond?
Not that soon.
[upbeat music]
-Has he replied?
-Yes!
Has who replied?
She matched with a
successful businessman.
He sent me this.
-Oh!
-[Alex gasps]
Yeah, it's his willy.
Hm-hm.
I'm just not sure
why he sent it.
Yeah, 'big bananas'.
On reflection
I shouldn't have put that.
"I'm a fan of big bananas"!
Banoffee pie--
Well what did you
expect him to say?
I'm sorry.
They're a great
natural energy source.
Big fan of potassium.
It's my first willy picture.
[Lauren] Oh sorry Ange.
No! It's okay actually.
It's quite enlightening.
I haven't seen another willy
in, over a decade so, hello!
[laughs]
Still, it's not
very romantic is it?
-No.
-No.
What are we talking about?
Just Lauren,
how she doesn't exude
romance or relationship vibes.
-No, I don't.
-Yeah.
[Alex] Ange, maybe
apps aren't for you.
I mean they do tend
towards hook-ups.
Which is the point.
Well, I mean, have you thought
about making a connection
in real life?
[snorts] It's a bit awkward.
-No?
-Connection, in real life?
Yeah.
So you mean actually chatting
someone up, like--
Yeah.
Well I haven't
chatted someone up in,
since before the
internet was invented.
There's no time
like the present.
[Alex exclaims]
-Really?
-Hmm.
What are you doing?
What's happening?
Okay, so do we go to them or do
we wait for them to come to us?
Um...
Or do I just ask
someone for a light?
Well, we're not smoking are we
so that would be a bit weird.
Yes, it would be weird.
No, we just pick our target,
then we assess.
Right. What about him?
The tall guy with the red tie.
[Lauren] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do a bit of
surveillance first okay.
Follow me. Bring your drink.
Just keep cool okay. Be cool.
[low music and chatter]
So he asked me about
ethical trades,
I said, "Well do you
want to make money or not!"
[men laugh]
I don't think he's
very romantic, no.
You're a busy woman Ange. Don't
waste time chatting to tossers.
-No.
-Okay.
Yes, cheers. No tossers.
Just keep looking
until they come over.
It's quite simple.
So he won't think
that I'm desperate?
I'll just keep looking.
Just keep looking.
No, not glaring Ange! More like
half-lidded, sort of sexily.
-Sexily?
-Yeah.
-Ahh, yep, yep.
-Yeah.
Like this...
No, don't chew your lip.
Um, you look a bit ill.
Dial it back, dial it back.
[Lauren] Um, here we go,
here we go.
It's working.
-Play it cool.
-Cool.
A couple of lovely cougars.
-Hello.
-Open your eyes Ange.
[man] So, which of you two
want a go on this?
Sorry, what?
Me.
Are you a fairground ride?
I love fairground rides.
I'll be the ride of your
life baby, I swear to God.
You wanna, you wanna
get out of here.
Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
-Yes.
-No! No Ange. No.
-God!
-I don't understand.
-Hey.
-Hey.
What am I doing?
I'm probably the
oldest woman here.
What have I got
to offer anyone?
Ange!
You are the Managing Partner
of a leading law firm.
-Remember that.
-Yes.
But my hair doesn't
bounce anymore.
Nothing on me bounces anymore.
You should smile more.
Women look better
when they smile.
Pardon?
Let me buy you a few drinks,
cheer you up a bit.
Ah, she's had all
the drinks thanks.
I am fine, thank you though.
Have a nice night,
but thank you.
Can I ask you something?
You really think you're going
to get a better offer?
What?
Well, with all the makeup
you've caked on and those
eyebrows.
-Okay, let's go home.
-My eyebrows?
I'm just saying,
I don't think
you're in a position
to be too picky are you?
Okay.
Who do you think you are?
Hmm?
You've come over here, you've
offered to buy her a drink,
she declined politely
and now what?
You feel entitled to
insult her for rejecting you.
If you want to get to
know someone, be nice.
Because, do you know what?
We, don't, need you.
Can you give me a hand
with my bag please.
Thank you.
Now, we get shots.
-Whoo, yeah.
-Yeah.
[Lauren] Let's see a band.
[live music playing]
[music playing]
[Lauren] Oh, yeah, this...
..this isn't home.
We're not at home.
-Isn't it?
-No.
I wonder what suburb
do you think we're in?
Um...
Suburb?
-We're here.
-Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm really hungry.
Maybe we can get a kebab.
-Kebab!
-Kebab!
Oww!
Hello!
See ya later.
[Lauren] Got a girlfriend.
All right. Cool.
Oh hi.
-I'm Gregory.
-Hi Gregory.
-Or George.
-Or George.
-It's Gregory or George.
-Hmm.
Gregory George?
Which one? Georgery?
-It depends on the context.
-I feel a bit sick.
-Oh!
-Oh god!
Maybe this will make
me feel a bit better.
-There you go.
-Yeah, that's better.
-[Lauren retches]
-[Gregory exclaims]
Ahhh!
No, I swallowed it,
it's all right.
Oh no, yeah no, it's good.
Must go. Yep.
[Lauren] Okay, no worries.
I'm not in the mood.
[Gregory] Yep.
See you later.
Yeah, I should go home.
[music fades]
[birds chirping]
[Lauren groans]
Oh gosh.
God!
[knocks bottles over]
[uneasy music]
[distorted music]
Where's my fucking bed?
Okay.
Great!
[Lauren groans]
[chicken clucks]
And when I woke up I just
had this crippling loneliness.
Oh! PMT? Hang over anxiety?
But then I realised
I was just hungry.
I can't stop eating.
We're due on.
I can't eat because
I feel awful.
I mean, why did you
let me go out out?
[Helena] You didn't
even ring me.
[bowl clangs on ground]
[Helena] What?
Where's my table?
[Helena] What are you on about?
[Lauren gasps] Oh no.
Lauren what the hell
is going on?
I think I might have
lost your necklace.
Oow!
[Lauren retches]
[Alex] No, no, no, no.
Do not be sick on the Jensen.
-No I'm fine.
-Yes.
It was a false alarm.
-Okay great.
-Yeah.
-Get out.
-Great.
Already pushing it to
get to my netball finals
in time for the
pre-game rituals.
Sounds a bit witchy.
It is, and now I'm
hauling your sorry arse
all the way across town
to collect a necklace
from some dirty
rockstar's house.
Well Helena gave it to me for
my 30th, so I have to find it.
This is why we don't
schtub dirty rockstars.
I didn't schtub anyone, so...
And this is why
we have the Spreadsheet,
so you don't go around picking
up random necklace thieves.
I know! Well you were too busy
chatting up Peter bloody Cook
all night, so...
And what about Ange?
She went home at three in the
morning, so she's all right.
Here we go.
[Alex exclaims]
[Lauren retches]
No. Go in that dead bush.
-[Lauren retches]
-[Alex] Yep.
-Nope, nah. I'm fine.
-Yep.
Yeah I just need some Berocca,
and I'll be all right.
Okay. Is that what's in there?
Yeah.
[bottle explodes]
[Lauren screams]
What are you--
Oh god, I'm so sorry.
Do you have a change?
In the boot of your car?
-No!
-For netball?
You guys want a tea or...
Ah, no.
Just, I wonder if you've,
have you seen my necklace?
Oh cool.
Yeah, no, just help yourselves.
Okay thank you.
Okay, let's hurry this up.
Ah!
Ah so, camomile or
lemon grass and ginger?
Ah, no time for tea thanks.
Is this how you get scabies?
-Yes I think it probably is.
-Oh.
Ah I wouldn't look under there.
-Oh god.
-Jesus.
It's gold. Like with a half
moon and a little curl.
Oh yeah, I was looking for
that.
Yeah, no. Are you sure you
were wearing it last night?
Yes I was, yeah.
Can I give you my number
in case you find it please?
Ah, in case I find it,
yeah okay.
-Thanks.
-There's no password.
Okay, yep.
Just ring me if you find it.
It's really precious.
Thank you.
[Gregory] You're welcome.
And hey, thank you.
[upbeat music]
I didn't realise
that you played netball.
Ah yeah, I started again
after the split.
Keep the serotonin flowing.
You don't strike me immediately
as a netball player.
-Oi!
-Well, yeah.
I was captain of
my university team.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
So how many hobbies
does one elderly man need?
Elderly? Thank you.
Um, two aerobic. Preferably
three emotionally stimulating,
and creative ones, and ah,
hopefully one culinary.
Oh yes, the off milk.
The Kefir.
There must be a word
for someone like you?
Who compulsively
collects hobbies.
Yeah, yeah. Changeling.
Bon vivant. Is that a word?
[Lauren laughs]
-Enigma.
-Enigma.
I was thinking more like
of a hobby hoarder.
-Ah, it's two words.
-So bon vivant though.
Well you can piss off
because you're just jealous.
Yeah I am jealous,
I'm jealous of someone
who has time for hobbies.
Jealously is a curse so...
[Alex] And Anna scores
the winning point.
It was beautiful.
[cheers and whoops]
Show us that pivot Alex.
Oh look at that, look at that.
Look, he's so flexible.
It's all in the hip swing.
Yeah. Hot yoga.
Don't give him
another hobby, please.
Hot yoga? Yes good for
the core stability too.
Oh god.
[Matt] Yeah, see ya later.
You should carve out some
me time for yourself Loz.
Should I?
Just something simple,
and wholesome.
A way to while away the few
years you've got left.
If you tell me
to start quilting
I may have to
vomit on your face.
We should quilt.
We should totally quilt.
-I have an overlocker.
-I bet you have.
I bought one in a garage sale.
[upbeat music]
[Helena] So, did you
find the necklace?
Ah, I'm working on it.
I'll find it.
[Helena] Rosa hey.
Give him back his football.
What about all
your clutterjunk?
You finish clearing out?
Clutterjunk is not a word.
Oh my god! You should paint.
I don't need to paint.
Well I just did my front door.
Did you get the pictures?
Yeah, seven of them.
So much better, right?
Ah, wasn't it already
a sort of pinky brown?
Flynn!
[Door bell]
Oh got to go.
Find my necklace.
I will, I will.
Hey. Oh!
Oh!
-Hey.
-Hi.
Sorry, I was just
getting ready for bed.
Yeah. Ah, I was just
thinking...
-You okay?
-Yeah, are you?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was thinking
today was really fun.
-Yeah it was.
-Hanging out and...
It was really fun.
Hm.
-Having a laugh and...
-Hm.
Just thought maybe you...
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Hm.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I think so.
[Alex laughing] Well
this is a shit show.
Yeah, it'll be fine
if I avoid him.
Yeah, well that's
going to be easy,
He's your friend,
he's your neighbour,
he's Jake's best mate,
he's the local paramedic.
Yeah, I won't get injured, I'll
avoid all paramedic
emergencies.
You do realise you can't
sleep with him ever again.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause that's three times
right?
-Exactly, yeah.
-And then you know?
-Unless you want a--
-No, do I want a boyfriend?
No!
[upbeat music]
[Ange] Oh Lauren, before
I forget. I found this.
Oh my goodness!
I know! Remember
you nearly lost it
in that poker game
with the tree surgeon.
Yes!
Yes. I sorted it out.
So it's fine.
Thank you. I've been
looking for it. Thanks so much.
Oh I appreciate it. Thank you.
Oh it's a pleasure.
[Alex] Well I for one am
thrilled we spent so long
rummaging around that
disgusting house for absolutely
no reason.
I thought it had slipped off.
[Dallas] I have
a delivery for ah...
[Alex] Oh shit, shit, shit,
shit! I'll call security.
No. No, wait.
-[Dallas] Angela Cook.
-Yes, that's me.
-Hi.
-Hello.
Did you order a Dallas'
Delicious Hamper for Ange?
[Lauren] Hm-hm.
Well we have a ready made match
making tool at our finger tips.
[Alex] Look at you
being a good witch.
[Lauren] Yeah.
You actually used
the Spreadsheet
to provide someone with
real human companionship.
-Yeah, well
-That was, that was quick.
[Lauren] Well, he's
a fast charmer.
[woman] Mr Cook.
[Alex] Hmm.
-Did he just wink at you?
-Hmm?
Um, I didn't really
want to tell you this now.
[laughs nervously]
Has anyone ever told
you've got like a very
penetrating gaze.
Peter Cook offered
me a job in London.
-Right.
-Hm.
Well, not so much a
job as a promotion,
like a really
big promotion.
Lots more money, some really
big clients and it's in London.
Yeah, you said.
England.
Great.
[gentle music]
[turns tap off]
London, England.
In London, England. I know
where fucking London is!
Fucking snake, Peter bloody
Cook poaching my best friend.
I don't have a dining table.
I don't have a fucking bed,
and this clock can fuck off!
You bitch! You can fuck off!
Come on, piece of shit,
get off!
Come on, get off!
[electrical crackling]
[Lauren screams] Oh
you're fucking joking!
[kissing sounds]
Oh Serge!
Oh my goodness.
Hm okay, this could
get a bit tricky.
Hm. I mean, um,
do we have a plan?
Because you're both
quite large guys and ah...
..is there...
[Lauren sighs]
..an order
that we should...
[sighs] I guess we'll
figure it out.
Oh!
[Lauren moans]
Huh?
[men moaning]
Excuse me?
I'll see myself out.
[louder] I'll see myself out.
[men moan in climax]
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
[upbeat music]
[Ange] No, I don't know
why Peter's here.
But we do have a
Partner meeting tomorrow,
so maybe he'll
tell me then.
Oh Lauren I'll need
you there as well.
No problem.
Yeah what's this--
Peter Cook's here from London.
Peter Cook?
It's her brother who
she doesn't talk to.
I'm the first Cook by the way.
[laughs] Too many cooks!
What does he need?
Oh no, he's just stopping by
on his way back to London.
According to his P.A.
Apparently he's too busy to
tell me that he's coming
himself.
It'll be budget cuts,
I'm telling you heads
are going to roll!
[Ange] So tomorrow, oh he is
such a pain in the bum,
when it comes to finances.
Or a merger.
So, can I get you to prepare
a full report of your
quarterly billings.
Absolutely! Don't worry.
I'll have a chat with Alex--
-[Alex] Huh?
-[Lauren] We'll sort that out.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Cool! So how was it?
Oh my god! Well I just thought
having a threesome with two
men,
would be more satisfying.
Hmm. Right!
Were you in the middle?
-No.
-Oh god were you at the end.
No.
See that seems like an awful
lot of jobs in that situation.
Not enough jobs in turns out.
I feel quite let down.
Maybe it's the men
that are involved.
-Next time, why don't we-- -No,
there won't be a next time.
I don't want to enable two men
to disappoint me at
the same time again.
They manage that perfectly
well one by one.
[Ange] Oh Lauren, can I grab
you for a minute right now.
I'm just about to
start the report now.
Oh yeah,
it'll only take a minute.
Well I was hoping for a
suggestion from you.
How, how to help me with this.
[Ange] Well I just can't seem
to get an actual date.
What am I doing wrong?
[Alex] Is that Tough Mudder?
[Ange] Yes! Came 75th. Woo!
That's great. Fitness is good.
-[Ange] Yes.
- But that's a bit aggressive.
Oh, I see, I see.
[Lauren] No one you're going
to have sex with needs to know
that you were the
keynote speaker at the
'Deliberations on the
Economics in Family Law'
conference in 2012.
Really?
And use a multiple
choice question
with anyone
you match with
and just copy and
paste it to everyone.
That's a real time-saver.
And I am a very busy woman.
[cuckoo, cuckoo]
Where is the
fucking potato peeler?
Oh Floss, language!
Sorry, where is the
bloody potato peeler?
Well have you looked in here?
Yes! I've looked in there.
It's orange.
Darling just use a knife--
It's not the 18th Century Mum,
and I've got a perfectly good
potato peeler.
I think Lola must have used it
for an experiment or something.
Oh. Hi Roger, Carol.
-Oh Jake.
-Hi Jake.
Woo, woo, woo,
easy with that knife.
[laughs]
Yes, she's peeling potatoes
with a massive knife
because I can't find
the bloody potato peeler.
-Oh the orange one?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I took that the other
day.
Why?
It's just I've been
sorting out stuff
because Nancy and I are
moving in to a new house,
and I realised
it was still here.
You're moving?
Combining incomes? Good idea.
Yeah, it's a huge space Roger.
Honestly.
Great. Well you can take that
awful cuckoo clock in that
case.
But you wanted that.
No, it was a present
from your Mum,
but if you're moving
to a massive house--
All right you two.
Well you can take that
awful vacuum cleaner as well.
That's okay, I got a Dyson.
You, what!
Now, we were going to get a
Dyson but it turns out--
No Dad. Sorry Dad.
You got a Dyson?!
Yeah.
So I had to use that piece of
shit vacuum cleaner for 5
years,
which you found on
the side of the road--
It was actually a perfectly
good vacuum though.
That a cat had pissed in Jake!
And now you've got
a fucking Dyson.
[Jake] Yeah, it's just really
quiet and efficient.
Yeah! Yeah I know.
Nice to see you guys.
[upbeat music]
[Roger] Right,
that's the last one.
It's like the
contents of my mind.
So when do you
head off tomorrow?
8:15, be there by 3:42,
give or take.
I can't wait to take the girls
to see those penguins.
Oh, look at this one.
Recycle it. I can't keep every
painting they do Mum.
Darling, why are you suddenly
having a clear out anyway--
I just need some space.
[phone bings] Done!
Now we can call you on the
sat phone wherever we are.
That's great Dad.
I think this is called
'conscious uncoupling'.
No I mean, Jake gets to
start afresh, whereas I'm left
with all the shit we've
collected over the years.
Look at this one.
Is it Lola's?
Darling, you have to admit
her use of colour
is really something.
Yeah. Bin it!
Honestly Mum I can't
keep everything.
Jake gets to purge,
I want to purge.
And just finishing off
everyone, if we take a look at
our last...
Flipping nightmare.
He wants to audit
all the high profile cases,
and he's insisting on meeting
all of the Associates.
Personally, I'm telling you
Peter's up to something.
Hmm, maybe he's
just being friendly.
[laughs] Friendly!
No! Not my brother.
[Ange] Sorry, can I just run
something by you quickly?
Yeah.
I got a match.
-Oow.
-I know.
His name's Javier and he owns
his own dry-cleaning business.
Might be useful.
That's what I thought.
So, I sent him a
multiple-choice ice breaker,
just like you told me.
"If you were a dessert -
would you be:
-a) Tiramisu,
-Okay.
-b) Banoffee Pie,
-Hmm.
-or c) Vanilla Ice Cream?"
-Okay.
Yeah, and he said,
"Banoffee Pie, because I'm
tasty and full of cream..."
I'm just not sure
how to reply to that one.
Yeah. Okay so, um,
Banoffee pie...
[both] Bananas, toffee, cream!
Okay, yep I got it.
[typing sounds] Yes, yeah,
yeah, there you go.
Just got to convert the sale.
Yes, convert the sale.
Thank you.
No worries.
[Peter Cook] Your work has been
very impressive, this is why...
[Ange] How soon do they
respond?
Not that soon.
[upbeat music]
-Has he replied?
-Yes!
Has who replied?
She matched with a
successful businessman.
He sent me this.
-Oh!
-[Alex gasps]
Yeah, it's his willy.
Hm-hm.
I'm just not sure
why he sent it.
Yeah, 'big bananas'.
On reflection
I shouldn't have put that.
"I'm a fan of big bananas"!
Banoffee pie--
Well what did you
expect him to say?
I'm sorry.
They're a great
natural energy source.
Big fan of potassium.
It's my first willy picture.
[Lauren] Oh sorry Ange.
No! It's okay actually.
It's quite enlightening.
I haven't seen another willy
in, over a decade so, hello!
[laughs]
Still, it's not
very romantic is it?
-No.
-No.
What are we talking about?
Just Lauren,
how she doesn't exude
romance or relationship vibes.
-No, I don't.
-Yeah.
[Alex] Ange, maybe
apps aren't for you.
I mean they do tend
towards hook-ups.
Which is the point.
Well, I mean, have you thought
about making a connection
in real life?
[snorts] It's a bit awkward.
-No?
-Connection, in real life?
Yeah.
So you mean actually chatting
someone up, like--
Yeah.
Well I haven't
chatted someone up in,
since before the
internet was invented.
There's no time
like the present.
[Alex exclaims]
-Really?
-Hmm.
What are you doing?
What's happening?
Okay, so do we go to them or do
we wait for them to come to us?
Um...
Or do I just ask
someone for a light?
Well, we're not smoking are we
so that would be a bit weird.
Yes, it would be weird.
No, we just pick our target,
then we assess.
Right. What about him?
The tall guy with the red tie.
[Lauren] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do a bit of
surveillance first okay.
Follow me. Bring your drink.
Just keep cool okay. Be cool.
[low music and chatter]
So he asked me about
ethical trades,
I said, "Well do you
want to make money or not!"
[men laugh]
I don't think he's
very romantic, no.
You're a busy woman Ange. Don't
waste time chatting to tossers.
-No.
-Okay.
Yes, cheers. No tossers.
Just keep looking
until they come over.
It's quite simple.
So he won't think
that I'm desperate?
I'll just keep looking.
Just keep looking.
No, not glaring Ange! More like
half-lidded, sort of sexily.
-Sexily?
-Yeah.
-Ahh, yep, yep.
-Yeah.
Like this...
No, don't chew your lip.
Um, you look a bit ill.
Dial it back, dial it back.
[Lauren] Um, here we go,
here we go.
It's working.
-Play it cool.
-Cool.
A couple of lovely cougars.
-Hello.
-Open your eyes Ange.
[man] So, which of you two
want a go on this?
Sorry, what?
Me.
Are you a fairground ride?
I love fairground rides.
I'll be the ride of your
life baby, I swear to God.
You wanna, you wanna
get out of here.
Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
-Yes.
-No! No Ange. No.
-God!
-I don't understand.
-Hey.
-Hey.
What am I doing?
I'm probably the
oldest woman here.
What have I got
to offer anyone?
Ange!
You are the Managing Partner
of a leading law firm.
-Remember that.
-Yes.
But my hair doesn't
bounce anymore.
Nothing on me bounces anymore.
You should smile more.
Women look better
when they smile.
Pardon?
Let me buy you a few drinks,
cheer you up a bit.
Ah, she's had all
the drinks thanks.
I am fine, thank you though.
Have a nice night,
but thank you.
Can I ask you something?
You really think you're going
to get a better offer?
What?
Well, with all the makeup
you've caked on and those
eyebrows.
-Okay, let's go home.
-My eyebrows?
I'm just saying,
I don't think
you're in a position
to be too picky are you?
Okay.
Who do you think you are?
Hmm?
You've come over here, you've
offered to buy her a drink,
she declined politely
and now what?
You feel entitled to
insult her for rejecting you.
If you want to get to
know someone, be nice.
Because, do you know what?
We, don't, need you.
Can you give me a hand
with my bag please.
Thank you.
Now, we get shots.
-Whoo, yeah.
-Yeah.
[Lauren] Let's see a band.
[live music playing]
[music playing]
[Lauren] Oh, yeah, this...
..this isn't home.
We're not at home.
-Isn't it?
-No.
I wonder what suburb
do you think we're in?
Um...
Suburb?
-We're here.
-Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm really hungry.
Maybe we can get a kebab.
-Kebab!
-Kebab!
Oww!
Hello!
See ya later.
[Lauren] Got a girlfriend.
All right. Cool.
Oh hi.
-I'm Gregory.
-Hi Gregory.
-Or George.
-Or George.
-It's Gregory or George.
-Hmm.
Gregory George?
Which one? Georgery?
-It depends on the context.
-I feel a bit sick.
-Oh!
-Oh god!
Maybe this will make
me feel a bit better.
-There you go.
-Yeah, that's better.
-[Lauren retches]
-[Gregory exclaims]
Ahhh!
No, I swallowed it,
it's all right.
Oh no, yeah no, it's good.
Must go. Yep.
[Lauren] Okay, no worries.
I'm not in the mood.
[Gregory] Yep.
See you later.
Yeah, I should go home.
[music fades]
[birds chirping]
[Lauren groans]
Oh gosh.
God!
[knocks bottles over]
[uneasy music]
[distorted music]
Where's my fucking bed?
Okay.
Great!
[Lauren groans]
[chicken clucks]
And when I woke up I just
had this crippling loneliness.
Oh! PMT? Hang over anxiety?
But then I realised
I was just hungry.
I can't stop eating.
We're due on.
I can't eat because
I feel awful.
I mean, why did you
let me go out out?
[Helena] You didn't
even ring me.
[bowl clangs on ground]
[Helena] What?
Where's my table?
[Helena] What are you on about?
[Lauren gasps] Oh no.
Lauren what the hell
is going on?
I think I might have
lost your necklace.
Oow!
[Lauren retches]
[Alex] No, no, no, no.
Do not be sick on the Jensen.
-No I'm fine.
-Yes.
It was a false alarm.
-Okay great.
-Yeah.
-Get out.
-Great.
Already pushing it to
get to my netball finals
in time for the
pre-game rituals.
Sounds a bit witchy.
It is, and now I'm
hauling your sorry arse
all the way across town
to collect a necklace
from some dirty
rockstar's house.
Well Helena gave it to me for
my 30th, so I have to find it.
This is why we don't
schtub dirty rockstars.
I didn't schtub anyone, so...
And this is why
we have the Spreadsheet,
so you don't go around picking
up random necklace thieves.
I know! Well you were too busy
chatting up Peter bloody Cook
all night, so...
And what about Ange?
She went home at three in the
morning, so she's all right.
Here we go.
[Alex exclaims]
[Lauren retches]
No. Go in that dead bush.
-[Lauren retches]
-[Alex] Yep.
-Nope, nah. I'm fine.
-Yep.
Yeah I just need some Berocca,
and I'll be all right.
Okay. Is that what's in there?
Yeah.
[bottle explodes]
[Lauren screams]
What are you--
Oh god, I'm so sorry.
Do you have a change?
In the boot of your car?
-No!
-For netball?
You guys want a tea or...
Ah, no.
Just, I wonder if you've,
have you seen my necklace?
Oh cool.
Yeah, no, just help yourselves.
Okay thank you.
Okay, let's hurry this up.
Ah!
Ah so, camomile or
lemon grass and ginger?
Ah, no time for tea thanks.
Is this how you get scabies?
-Yes I think it probably is.
-Oh.
Ah I wouldn't look under there.
-Oh god.
-Jesus.
It's gold. Like with a half
moon and a little curl.
Oh yeah, I was looking for
that.
Yeah, no. Are you sure you
were wearing it last night?
Yes I was, yeah.
Can I give you my number
in case you find it please?
Ah, in case I find it,
yeah okay.
-Thanks.
-There's no password.
Okay, yep.
Just ring me if you find it.
It's really precious.
Thank you.
[Gregory] You're welcome.
And hey, thank you.
[upbeat music]
I didn't realise
that you played netball.
Ah yeah, I started again
after the split.
Keep the serotonin flowing.
You don't strike me immediately
as a netball player.
-Oi!
-Well, yeah.
I was captain of
my university team.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
So how many hobbies
does one elderly man need?
Elderly? Thank you.
Um, two aerobic. Preferably
three emotionally stimulating,
and creative ones, and ah,
hopefully one culinary.
Oh yes, the off milk.
The Kefir.
There must be a word
for someone like you?
Who compulsively
collects hobbies.
Yeah, yeah. Changeling.
Bon vivant. Is that a word?
[Lauren laughs]
-Enigma.
-Enigma.
I was thinking more like
of a hobby hoarder.
-Ah, it's two words.
-So bon vivant though.
Well you can piss off
because you're just jealous.
Yeah I am jealous,
I'm jealous of someone
who has time for hobbies.
Jealously is a curse so...
[Alex] And Anna scores
the winning point.
It was beautiful.
[cheers and whoops]
Show us that pivot Alex.
Oh look at that, look at that.
Look, he's so flexible.
It's all in the hip swing.
Yeah. Hot yoga.
Don't give him
another hobby, please.
Hot yoga? Yes good for
the core stability too.
Oh god.
[Matt] Yeah, see ya later.
You should carve out some
me time for yourself Loz.
Should I?
Just something simple,
and wholesome.
A way to while away the few
years you've got left.
If you tell me
to start quilting
I may have to
vomit on your face.
We should quilt.
We should totally quilt.
-I have an overlocker.
-I bet you have.
I bought one in a garage sale.
[upbeat music]
[Helena] So, did you
find the necklace?
Ah, I'm working on it.
I'll find it.
[Helena] Rosa hey.
Give him back his football.
What about all
your clutterjunk?
You finish clearing out?
Clutterjunk is not a word.
Oh my god! You should paint.
I don't need to paint.
Well I just did my front door.
Did you get the pictures?
Yeah, seven of them.
So much better, right?
Ah, wasn't it already
a sort of pinky brown?
Flynn!
[Door bell]
Oh got to go.
Find my necklace.
I will, I will.
Hey. Oh!
Oh!
-Hey.
-Hi.
Sorry, I was just
getting ready for bed.
Yeah. Ah, I was just
thinking...
-You okay?
-Yeah, are you?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was thinking
today was really fun.
-Yeah it was.
-Hanging out and...
It was really fun.
Hm.
-Having a laugh and...
-Hm.
Just thought maybe you...
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Hm.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, I think so.
[Alex laughing] Well
this is a shit show.
Yeah, it'll be fine
if I avoid him.
Yeah, well that's
going to be easy,
He's your friend,
he's your neighbour,
he's Jake's best mate,
he's the local paramedic.
Yeah, I won't get injured, I'll
avoid all paramedic
emergencies.
You do realise you can't
sleep with him ever again.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause that's three times
right?
-Exactly, yeah.
-And then you know?
-Unless you want a--
-No, do I want a boyfriend?
No!
[upbeat music]
[Ange] Oh Lauren, before
I forget. I found this.
Oh my goodness!
I know! Remember
you nearly lost it
in that poker game
with the tree surgeon.
Yes!
Yes. I sorted it out.
So it's fine.
Thank you. I've been
looking for it. Thanks so much.
Oh I appreciate it. Thank you.
Oh it's a pleasure.
[Alex] Well I for one am
thrilled we spent so long
rummaging around that
disgusting house for absolutely
no reason.
I thought it had slipped off.
[Dallas] I have
a delivery for ah...
[Alex] Oh shit, shit, shit,
shit! I'll call security.
No. No, wait.
-[Dallas] Angela Cook.
-Yes, that's me.
-Hi.
-Hello.
Did you order a Dallas'
Delicious Hamper for Ange?
[Lauren] Hm-hm.
Well we have a ready made match
making tool at our finger tips.
[Alex] Look at you
being a good witch.
[Lauren] Yeah.
You actually used
the Spreadsheet
to provide someone with
real human companionship.
-Yeah, well
-That was, that was quick.
[Lauren] Well, he's
a fast charmer.
[woman] Mr Cook.
[Alex] Hmm.
-Did he just wink at you?
-Hmm?
Um, I didn't really
want to tell you this now.
[laughs nervously]
Has anyone ever told
you've got like a very
penetrating gaze.
Peter Cook offered
me a job in London.
-Right.
-Hm.
Well, not so much a
job as a promotion,
like a really
big promotion.
Lots more money, some really
big clients and it's in London.
Yeah, you said.
England.
Great.
[gentle music]
[turns tap off]
London, England.
In London, England. I know
where fucking London is!
Fucking snake, Peter bloody
Cook poaching my best friend.
I don't have a dining table.
I don't have a fucking bed,
and this clock can fuck off!
You bitch! You can fuck off!
Come on, piece of shit,
get off!
Come on, get off!
[electrical crackling]
[Lauren screams] Oh
you're fucking joking!