Spreadsheet (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript
[gentle music]
[liquid pouring]
[chicken clucking]
[phone chimes]
Yes Greg. Yes I do.
[groaning and moaning]
[Lauren moans loudly]
[kissing sounds]
Oh god!
Hey um...
..you're a lawyer right?
Oh god, you don't
need legal advice do you?
No, no, no...
I mean, the power's out,
the mattress
is on the floor.
I can spot you
like twenty bucks.
Oh thanks, but no,
my ex took my bed.
What a dick!
[chicken clucks loudly]
[Greg screams]
[Greg] Oh there's a chicken.
-Yeah, that's Angus.
-Oh hey Angus.
I'm actually not all
that fond of chickens.
Oh.
This one seems
quite territorial.
Yes she is.
It's coming, no it's coming!
-Just don't look at her.
-Okay.
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
[chicken purrs]
Hi.
[gentle music]
[Lola] Yummy, yummy toast.
Oh!
Morning Bosslet. Breakfast!
When did you get back?
Early doors! Want some caviar?
What happened to the clock?
Oh it, it fell.
It had an accident.
[Roger] You know the powers
out? I had to use the camp
stove.
[Carol] Lauren! Have
a look at these darling.
Aren't they wonderful?
Anyway I'll take a look at the
wiring after breakfast.
We're painting our entire
holiday.
I'm doing penguins in bowties.
Oh, that's lovely. Quite
a lot of painting though.
[Carol] Yes, well, you can't
stifle creativity Floss.
What's this?
[Abby] Oh we want
you to stay here.
As opposed to?
[Lola] Going.
To Dad's new house.
[Roger] The kids wanted to
start sorting some of their
bits out.
[Carol] Yes we stopped over at
Jake's new place on the way,
and it's--
-[Lola] Ginormous!
It has a pool.
Dad said we can
have a trampoline.
Wow! Great.
Yeah eat up your toast Lola,
gotta get big and strong.
I don't care about
being big and strong,
I just want to be pretty.
Okay, well we definitely
need to talk about that.
I mean they're not
mutually exclusive.
But I don't want
to get any bigger.
[Lauren] Well you can't
stay small forever.
But if I get big, then I'll
look like you, with your big
face.
You see, my face
is small and pretty
and yours is kind of
big, giant, but squished.
Thank you, for sharing that.
Hi ya.
Oh hello.
Got you a soy latte.
I drink almond,
but that's okay.
Ah.
No, no, no, it's nice.
Thank you.
Ah, you know the coffee
in London is diabolical.
-It's gross.
-Really? Ah.
Have you made a decision?
-Ah, no.
-Oh.
I can really see
you in London Alex.
All the fog and pigeons
and the chimney sweeps.
That's literally
the set of Mary Poppins.
Yeah I know, obviously.
Oh my god,
this coffee's so good.
Wow!
[Lauren moans]
[door shuts]
Ange, is it Bob again?
I'm fine.
Well, if you want to talk to me
then just come and find me
okay?
Did you snort cocaine
off Dallas' willy?
Oh god.
Cocaine!
-Ah, well--
-Off his willy!
Ah no! Yes! No! Ange?
[Lauren] Did he tell you...
off his penis...
Sorry!
I don't know why...
I'm so sorry, yes I did!
I did snort it...
I'm sorry.
Are you mainly cross
about the cocaine,
or are you mainly cross
about the Dallas' penis bit?
You know that
I am on the board--
I know--
Of Family Lawyers
Against Illegal Drugs
Consultation Help Group.
You know that about me--
I just don't understand why
he would tell you about it.
No he didn't tell me.
It's here, look!
There!
[Lauren gasps]
Black and white
and shade of blue.
[Lauren] Oh god. Oh god!
Shit! Alex!
Hello?
Oh fuck! Why is this here?
How do you have this?
Why do you have this?
Mr. Hilton is moving
over to Baxter Lang.
I'm sending them his files.
It's labelled HMTF.
Yes! Hot Men To Fuck!
-No.
-Oh.
Also Hilton Marriage
Term Financials.
-Why didn't you file it Alex!
-Sorry.
If this was accidently send to
our biggest competitor,
then that would be a lot of
compromising information.
[Alex] Including someone who
actually works at Baxter Lang.
[Lauren] Oh, how do we,
how do we get rid of it?
I tried to delete it
but it's still uploading!
Uploading?!
Where is it uploading?
-What?
-Where? Where?
[Ange] I don't know.
So what server did you say...
Um, which server?
The main one, ah, the big one.
Okay. Baxter Lang. These are
the files currently
transferring--
Oh, okay. If you can
stop this right now
I will give you my brand new
ergonomic swivel chair.
What! To keep?
Yes!
Okay, um, any of
these ones here?
Yes, that one there. That
excel spreadsheet just there.
Okay, you are very,
very lucky ducks
because that is not
finished transferring.
It's still uploading.
God, the joys of the
National Broadband, am I right?
[all laugh]
It's been like two hours.
-Please!
-Cancelled.
Just checking,
it's definitely not going
to start uploading
itself again is it?
That's, no.
They can't get like
67 percent of it?
-Also not how it works.
-Yeah, great.
Oh god!
What the...
-[Roger] Hello Bosslet.
-Dad?
What's going on?
Why are there wires
all over the place?
Well, it turns out that all
the wiring's a bit ropey.
Typical of an
electrician's house.
All of it?
Well it's all connected
Bosslet.
I realise that, but why are
you finding this out now.
I just want to check it out
for you before we left.
Yes precisely, you're leaving.
So why you doing it now?
Well I'm just
hooking up the temp power,
a little genny
under the house.
And while I was down there
I found a load of old wiring,
that had been chewed
through by something.
Maybe an Antechinus.
-Antechinus?
-Little rodents.
I've got rats?
Well not necessarily and
they're marsupials actually.
No you know what. I'm sorry
Dad, I quit! Yeah, I quit!
Give me strength.
-She's here.
-Oh quick.
[Abby] You're going
to be so gobsmacked.
[Lauren laughs] Oh wow!
Oh that is beautiful.
Mum is this you?
Well...
Thank you.
Mama this is you with your big
beautiful giant squished head.
Oh thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[Roger] Lauren?
Ah.
[Lola] Yeah let's go
pack up the stuff.
Wow!
Put it together from a few bits
I found under the house.
[knock on wood]
-Should do you for a while.
-Thanks Dad.
Sorry about just now.
I've done all the preliminary
stuff but you're going to need
a professional to
untangle that mess.
Yeah. I wish
you weren't going.
Me too.
You know, it's all right
to get upset sometimes.
We all have feelings,
even you Bosslet.
-Yeah, well I don't like it.
-I know.
Chin up. You'll be fine.
[car horn honks]
Oh Carol, a taxi's here.
[Carol] Coming Roger.
Nana, when are we
coming to see you?
Oh, soon my possum.
Just remember we don't
say goodbyes do we?
Come here, you too Abby.
My little smarty pants
the pair of you.
Thank you Mum.
Here's your scarf Grandpa.
Love you.
Love you Bosslet.
-Love you. Love you.
-Come on.
Oh and they're sending someone
to collect the RV tomorrow.
Don't, please,
just wave from the window.
Okay Mum.
Got your stuff ready
for Dad's tonight?
Tick.
Lola?
Tock.
Bye.
Anyone fancy caviar?
-Race you.
-Great.
[Helena] You all right?
Yeah. I just don't
like goodbyes.
You just need to keep busy.
Mum says you're painting.
Oh my god. You two
and your bloody painting.
I'm actually going on a date
with the trouser snake,
chicken hater.
Trouser snake, chicken hater.
That's right.
God, careful with that hammer.
Oh I just need to get this
bloody hook off this wall.
Did Dad really take
apart all your wiring
just before leaving?
Yeah, he makes a habit
of that doesn't he.
Yeah, do you remember when he
took the stairs out at home,
and then went to Greece
for work for three weeks!
Yeah.
At least he left us
with a stepladder.
Hey. Sorry, the
front door was open.
Was it?
Yeah, and you said you might
have time for a quick chat.
-Um, did I?
-Hm.
[Helena] Hello.
Oh is this the snake--
No. This is, ah,
Matt the milk man.
Ah, paramedic.
The Kefir King!
-Yeah.
-I do like it.
Hi. I've heard that Kefir
is really good on muesli,
and would you use almond milk
or cows for that Matt?
Sometimes coconut water,
which is fun, so...
Sorry. I don't want
to interrupt your chat.
But you did say that we
could catch up tonight.
-[Helena] Did you indeed?
-Yeah, I remember now.
Ah, but that was
before this hole.
Which I've got to fix,
and the...
Yeah, does look
quite pressing.
Um, the thing wouldn't
have to be for that long.
Hm.
I just wanted to find out
how you feel about um...
..the sex.
[Lauren screams in pain]
Sorry.
Oh my gosh, are
you all right?
-[Matt] Wow!
-[Lauren groans]
Oh god! All right
I'll get my kit.
-[Lauren cries] It really
hurts. -Sorry.
I'm just saying, you need to
consider all of the angles.
London is a very
dangerous place.
Yep. Thank you Captain
Birdseye.
You're not going to
tell me what happened?
-Matt happened.
-Ah, okay.
No, no, no, I mean I happened
because of Matt...
I don't want to talk about it.
[Big Ben phone chime]
Wow! Have you got a
personalised ringtone for Peter
now?
Yep he says he needs to
start making arrangements.
If I'm going.
-He needs to know by tomorrow.
-Right.
You know, they found nine of
the world's most deadly
super-bugs
on the Tube, including E. coli.
-Okay.
-Hm. Wow.
And lots and lots of faeces.
Hmm. Thank you Simon.
-Great.
-Happy to help.
And thank you for stopping
the transfer yesterday,
honestly I appreciate it.
No problemo sombrero.
Actually, what did you do
about the hard copies?
[upbeat music]
[man] Sorry, so let me
get this straight.
So my name and the um, intimate
details of our sexual
encounter,
-are on a spreadsheet?
-Yes.
-Somewhere inside my office?
-Yes.
Yes.
Well you know what it's like
when you are
overloaded with work
and time management is an
issue, so I had a spreadsheet.
Wait! How much detail?
-Warrior, warrior baby!
-You mean?
Warrior baby.
-And, and--
-Yeah
Well I have to remember.
It was role play!
Sorry. Apologies.
Fuck! Shit!
And...
-Oh fuck, shit! Come on.
-Okay thank you. Thanks.
Thank you so much.
Do you not have a key
to your own mail room?
No, because I'm a Partner here,
not the mail room guy.
[Alex] It's right there.
Stop buggering around
and open that door.
Open the door.
I honestly can't,
I just told you that.
If I was a Partner here I'd
have a skeleton key to every
room.
Skeleton keys aren't real so--
Aren't real! [Simon scoffs]
Aren't real!? This guy.
Guys let's think.
Should we break the glass?
No, we should set it on fire.
We could flood it. Yeah that
would work. Water damage. Yeah.
No, no, no we are not flooding
or setting on fire.
No, we're just going to wait
for the mail room guy to come
back.
Well how long
is he going to be?
I don't know, oh my god...
[fire alarm rings]
Morning.
Everyone's just going to think
it was a small malfunction.
I have no words.
-[phone chimes]
-Hang on.
Okay. Wow, it worked.
Apparently every bit of
paper on that floor is pulp.
[all laugh]
Oh thank God.
So Lauren, I thought
if Alex is leaving
there's going to be an opening
for a new wing-man right?
Yeah, I guess so.
Well I've taken the liberty
to track your progress on
the Spreadsheet already.
So I kind of know what--
What?
Yeah, I'm fully briefed.
I know, I know everything so...
Everything?
Yeah, so I could be
your Robin, Batman.
Batperson?
What are you going
to do without me?
Yeah, and I can, I've got
some plans for a league table,
so it would be like
Premiere division,
first division, second
division.
Ah, it's still a
work in progress.
[Lauren sighs]
Lauren?
Ah, Matt.
Hey, I'm glad I caught you.
I was going to call, sorry.
Listen, I know you
got a lot of stuff on.
Yeah, I've had a shocking day.
Look, I need to know
where I stand.
I know first and
foremost we're mates.
Exactly.
But seriously Loz,
I actually think there
might be something here.
Yeah, but we are, we're mates.
-Yep.
-And you're mates with Jake.
And it all just feels too
matey.
No, I get it, it's complicated.
And I need to put my children
first and what I need is...
..simplicity.
Right.
And I just don't need a
relationship with anyone.
I can't do more.
Okay, listen.
Being friends is good,
but don't you want someone
to look after you or...
No!
I don't need someone
to look after me Matt.
-Okay?
-Okay.
-Yeah.
-Right.
-Hey.
-Hey.
[Greg] Whoo!
[Matt] Greg! Hey.
[Matt] What are you doing here?
[Greg] I'm... Me?
I'm coming to see Lauren.
Check she's okay after we
had to cancel last night.
Yes. Have you met?
-Fuck off!
-What?
Oh.
-Fuck off.
-Oh dear.
-Jodi Reginatto! -Ah, what are
you talking about?
-You...
-What?
Ahh! What are
you talking about.
Sorry, do you know
each other or?
He's my brother.
Oh you're joking. Oh god.
You absolute...
[men struggle]
Oh no.
Please tell me you
didn't sleep with him.
No. Yes. No.
A bit.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
She's my friend!
Mate!
She's my neighbour.
What?
Yeah I live over there
now, but of course
you don't read the family
newsletter you dickhead.
[men moan and groan]
Guys, the neighbours.
-Get off!
-No!
Ahh!
[yelling]
That's, awful.
[Lauren] Yeah,
see you later guys.
[Greg] I hate you!
Don't make too much noise.
[gentle music]
[chicken clucks]
Hm?
[upbeat music]
[electric drill]
Oh, oh, oh,
babe, babe, babe.
Pull my finger.
-No.
-Pull it!
-No.
-Go, go!
[Jake farts]
-[both laugh]
-You're disgusting.
Don't, Jake!
How's it looking?
Yeah, the eye patch
makes you look at bit freaky.
No, not me. The wiring?
Oh no, well sweet as.
You're old man and his
unfinished projects hey?
-Yeah.
-All good. Almost done.
Good.
You're lucky to
have a professional
to call on for help.
Actually here's this
as a thank you.
For me? Thank you so much.
-Jake, look.
-Well look at that.
[Nancy] Oh, thank you.
I love it.
[Matt] Hey.
Oh, you're here.
Yeah, Jake called.
Hey bro, come in.
I'm just returning
his 140 mill snips--
[Jake] Are they
my 200 mill snips?
-200 mill snips.
-Right.
Hey. There you go.
Gregster!
Holy shit! Haven't
seen you in ages mate.
Rotorua 2002, remember?
Oh Jake!
[all laugh]
-Good to see ya man.
-Great.
What's that?
Oh, it's for the, for her.
Chicken's eggs.
You've met Angus?
Ah sorry,
this is my partner Nancy.
Nancy, Greg.
You know Matt.
[Alex] Oh, this is...
Alex.
This is cosy isn't it.
What was that sweetheart?
Ah, yep. Sorry, that's just
Lola, got to go and...
[Nancy] I didn't hear anything.
-[Alex] I don't think we've
met. -Hey.
[Lauren] Just coming darling.
Come on in. Come on in.
Lola?
[smash]
[Lauren] Ahhh.
[Alex laughs]
With ya eye patch and the leg
you look a bit like a--
-A pirate?
-Yep.
Um, why is trouser
snake downstairs?
It turns out he's
Matt's brother.
-Matt's brother!
-Shhhh!
[Alex laughs]
[both laugh]
You've made up your
mind haven't you?
I'm really sorry Lauren.
No, I'm sorry I was
giving you a hard time.
I'd do the same to you.
I really just want you to be
happy and this is wonderful,
it really is,
it's a great opportunity.
I mean obviously,
it's really shit for me.
But, you know, I'll see
you when I come to the UK
and we can FaceTime.
Hm, I'm going to miss you a
lot.
Please don't cry
because I'll fucking cry
and I've only got
one working eye.
[gentle music]
-Ahhh!
-I'm sorry.
Okay.
Okay, what did you
want to do about that?
-The Spreadsheet.
-Yeah.
What you reckon?
Um, well the universe does
seem to be shouting at me
quite loudly right now.
I think you should delete it.
Um...
-It's time.
-Is it?
Yep, let's delete it.
No, no, no, no. No!
-Are you sure?
-No I'm not quitting.
Maybe we can consolidate it.
-Yeah, simplify it.
-Yeah.
-Add a password.
-Maybe make it a league table.
-Yeah.
-No.
-And put them in order.
-No don't touch that.
[Jake] Ah Loz, think
you've got a problem.
-White ants?
-White ants.
But ants?
They are like termites.
Horrible things.
Anyway, you can't stay here
until the inspector clears it.
Right, well I guess
I'm keeping the RV.
I think it will okay for you.
But I think the girls should
move in with me
while you get
yourself sorted.
Well hang on.
Well they can't
stay in a RV Loz,
and this place isn't safe.
Yeah, okay. Maybe for a bit.
And they wanted to bring some
of their stuff anyway so.
Where are you
going to stay Mum?
-Ah, well, ah!
-You all right?
Yes! I have got the van and
I love camping, as you know.
So I'll be fine.
Okay, but remember Angus can't
eat chocolate. Like, at all!
-No.
-Not even if you're sharing.
No not at all,
but wine's fine yeah?
I'm joking. I'm joking.
I'll be fine.
-Bye Mum.
-Bye darling.
[Lola] Dad, this trampoline
isn't going to bounce itself.
-Bye Mum. Love you till you
die. -Bye Mum.
Bye.
[Jake] Watch the car!
[Lola] Let's hit the road.
[Nancy] Come on girls.
[car starts]
[chicken clucks]
[gentle music]
I guess you're almost
a parrot aren't you?
We'll be all right
won't we Angus?
[chicken clucks]
Hm. That was
definitely a yes.
[phone chimes]
[stirring music]
[liquid pouring]
[chicken clucking]
[phone chimes]
Yes Greg. Yes I do.
[groaning and moaning]
[Lauren moans loudly]
[kissing sounds]
Oh god!
Hey um...
..you're a lawyer right?
Oh god, you don't
need legal advice do you?
No, no, no...
I mean, the power's out,
the mattress
is on the floor.
I can spot you
like twenty bucks.
Oh thanks, but no,
my ex took my bed.
What a dick!
[chicken clucks loudly]
[Greg screams]
[Greg] Oh there's a chicken.
-Yeah, that's Angus.
-Oh hey Angus.
I'm actually not all
that fond of chickens.
Oh.
This one seems
quite territorial.
Yes she is.
It's coming, no it's coming!
-Just don't look at her.
-Okay.
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
[chicken purrs]
Hi.
[gentle music]
[Lola] Yummy, yummy toast.
Oh!
Morning Bosslet. Breakfast!
When did you get back?
Early doors! Want some caviar?
What happened to the clock?
Oh it, it fell.
It had an accident.
[Roger] You know the powers
out? I had to use the camp
stove.
[Carol] Lauren! Have
a look at these darling.
Aren't they wonderful?
Anyway I'll take a look at the
wiring after breakfast.
We're painting our entire
holiday.
I'm doing penguins in bowties.
Oh, that's lovely. Quite
a lot of painting though.
[Carol] Yes, well, you can't
stifle creativity Floss.
What's this?
[Abby] Oh we want
you to stay here.
As opposed to?
[Lola] Going.
To Dad's new house.
[Roger] The kids wanted to
start sorting some of their
bits out.
[Carol] Yes we stopped over at
Jake's new place on the way,
and it's--
-[Lola] Ginormous!
It has a pool.
Dad said we can
have a trampoline.
Wow! Great.
Yeah eat up your toast Lola,
gotta get big and strong.
I don't care about
being big and strong,
I just want to be pretty.
Okay, well we definitely
need to talk about that.
I mean they're not
mutually exclusive.
But I don't want
to get any bigger.
[Lauren] Well you can't
stay small forever.
But if I get big, then I'll
look like you, with your big
face.
You see, my face
is small and pretty
and yours is kind of
big, giant, but squished.
Thank you, for sharing that.
Hi ya.
Oh hello.
Got you a soy latte.
I drink almond,
but that's okay.
Ah.
No, no, no, it's nice.
Thank you.
Ah, you know the coffee
in London is diabolical.
-It's gross.
-Really? Ah.
Have you made a decision?
-Ah, no.
-Oh.
I can really see
you in London Alex.
All the fog and pigeons
and the chimney sweeps.
That's literally
the set of Mary Poppins.
Yeah I know, obviously.
Oh my god,
this coffee's so good.
Wow!
[Lauren moans]
[door shuts]
Ange, is it Bob again?
I'm fine.
Well, if you want to talk to me
then just come and find me
okay?
Did you snort cocaine
off Dallas' willy?
Oh god.
Cocaine!
-Ah, well--
-Off his willy!
Ah no! Yes! No! Ange?
[Lauren] Did he tell you...
off his penis...
Sorry!
I don't know why...
I'm so sorry, yes I did!
I did snort it...
I'm sorry.
Are you mainly cross
about the cocaine,
or are you mainly cross
about the Dallas' penis bit?
You know that
I am on the board--
I know--
Of Family Lawyers
Against Illegal Drugs
Consultation Help Group.
You know that about me--
I just don't understand why
he would tell you about it.
No he didn't tell me.
It's here, look!
There!
[Lauren gasps]
Black and white
and shade of blue.
[Lauren] Oh god. Oh god!
Shit! Alex!
Hello?
Oh fuck! Why is this here?
How do you have this?
Why do you have this?
Mr. Hilton is moving
over to Baxter Lang.
I'm sending them his files.
It's labelled HMTF.
Yes! Hot Men To Fuck!
-No.
-Oh.
Also Hilton Marriage
Term Financials.
-Why didn't you file it Alex!
-Sorry.
If this was accidently send to
our biggest competitor,
then that would be a lot of
compromising information.
[Alex] Including someone who
actually works at Baxter Lang.
[Lauren] Oh, how do we,
how do we get rid of it?
I tried to delete it
but it's still uploading!
Uploading?!
Where is it uploading?
-What?
-Where? Where?
[Ange] I don't know.
So what server did you say...
Um, which server?
The main one, ah, the big one.
Okay. Baxter Lang. These are
the files currently
transferring--
Oh, okay. If you can
stop this right now
I will give you my brand new
ergonomic swivel chair.
What! To keep?
Yes!
Okay, um, any of
these ones here?
Yes, that one there. That
excel spreadsheet just there.
Okay, you are very,
very lucky ducks
because that is not
finished transferring.
It's still uploading.
God, the joys of the
National Broadband, am I right?
[all laugh]
It's been like two hours.
-Please!
-Cancelled.
Just checking,
it's definitely not going
to start uploading
itself again is it?
That's, no.
They can't get like
67 percent of it?
-Also not how it works.
-Yeah, great.
Oh god!
What the...
-[Roger] Hello Bosslet.
-Dad?
What's going on?
Why are there wires
all over the place?
Well, it turns out that all
the wiring's a bit ropey.
Typical of an
electrician's house.
All of it?
Well it's all connected
Bosslet.
I realise that, but why are
you finding this out now.
I just want to check it out
for you before we left.
Yes precisely, you're leaving.
So why you doing it now?
Well I'm just
hooking up the temp power,
a little genny
under the house.
And while I was down there
I found a load of old wiring,
that had been chewed
through by something.
Maybe an Antechinus.
-Antechinus?
-Little rodents.
I've got rats?
Well not necessarily and
they're marsupials actually.
No you know what. I'm sorry
Dad, I quit! Yeah, I quit!
Give me strength.
-She's here.
-Oh quick.
[Abby] You're going
to be so gobsmacked.
[Lauren laughs] Oh wow!
Oh that is beautiful.
Mum is this you?
Well...
Thank you.
Mama this is you with your big
beautiful giant squished head.
Oh thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[Roger] Lauren?
Ah.
[Lola] Yeah let's go
pack up the stuff.
Wow!
Put it together from a few bits
I found under the house.
[knock on wood]
-Should do you for a while.
-Thanks Dad.
Sorry about just now.
I've done all the preliminary
stuff but you're going to need
a professional to
untangle that mess.
Yeah. I wish
you weren't going.
Me too.
You know, it's all right
to get upset sometimes.
We all have feelings,
even you Bosslet.
-Yeah, well I don't like it.
-I know.
Chin up. You'll be fine.
[car horn honks]
Oh Carol, a taxi's here.
[Carol] Coming Roger.
Nana, when are we
coming to see you?
Oh, soon my possum.
Just remember we don't
say goodbyes do we?
Come here, you too Abby.
My little smarty pants
the pair of you.
Thank you Mum.
Here's your scarf Grandpa.
Love you.
Love you Bosslet.
-Love you. Love you.
-Come on.
Oh and they're sending someone
to collect the RV tomorrow.
Don't, please,
just wave from the window.
Okay Mum.
Got your stuff ready
for Dad's tonight?
Tick.
Lola?
Tock.
Bye.
Anyone fancy caviar?
-Race you.
-Great.
[Helena] You all right?
Yeah. I just don't
like goodbyes.
You just need to keep busy.
Mum says you're painting.
Oh my god. You two
and your bloody painting.
I'm actually going on a date
with the trouser snake,
chicken hater.
Trouser snake, chicken hater.
That's right.
God, careful with that hammer.
Oh I just need to get this
bloody hook off this wall.
Did Dad really take
apart all your wiring
just before leaving?
Yeah, he makes a habit
of that doesn't he.
Yeah, do you remember when he
took the stairs out at home,
and then went to Greece
for work for three weeks!
Yeah.
At least he left us
with a stepladder.
Hey. Sorry, the
front door was open.
Was it?
Yeah, and you said you might
have time for a quick chat.
-Um, did I?
-Hm.
[Helena] Hello.
Oh is this the snake--
No. This is, ah,
Matt the milk man.
Ah, paramedic.
The Kefir King!
-Yeah.
-I do like it.
Hi. I've heard that Kefir
is really good on muesli,
and would you use almond milk
or cows for that Matt?
Sometimes coconut water,
which is fun, so...
Sorry. I don't want
to interrupt your chat.
But you did say that we
could catch up tonight.
-[Helena] Did you indeed?
-Yeah, I remember now.
Ah, but that was
before this hole.
Which I've got to fix,
and the...
Yeah, does look
quite pressing.
Um, the thing wouldn't
have to be for that long.
Hm.
I just wanted to find out
how you feel about um...
..the sex.
[Lauren screams in pain]
Sorry.
Oh my gosh, are
you all right?
-[Matt] Wow!
-[Lauren groans]
Oh god! All right
I'll get my kit.
-[Lauren cries] It really
hurts. -Sorry.
I'm just saying, you need to
consider all of the angles.
London is a very
dangerous place.
Yep. Thank you Captain
Birdseye.
You're not going to
tell me what happened?
-Matt happened.
-Ah, okay.
No, no, no, I mean I happened
because of Matt...
I don't want to talk about it.
[Big Ben phone chime]
Wow! Have you got a
personalised ringtone for Peter
now?
Yep he says he needs to
start making arrangements.
If I'm going.
-He needs to know by tomorrow.
-Right.
You know, they found nine of
the world's most deadly
super-bugs
on the Tube, including E. coli.
-Okay.
-Hm. Wow.
And lots and lots of faeces.
Hmm. Thank you Simon.
-Great.
-Happy to help.
And thank you for stopping
the transfer yesterday,
honestly I appreciate it.
No problemo sombrero.
Actually, what did you do
about the hard copies?
[upbeat music]
[man] Sorry, so let me
get this straight.
So my name and the um, intimate
details of our sexual
encounter,
-are on a spreadsheet?
-Yes.
-Somewhere inside my office?
-Yes.
Yes.
Well you know what it's like
when you are
overloaded with work
and time management is an
issue, so I had a spreadsheet.
Wait! How much detail?
-Warrior, warrior baby!
-You mean?
Warrior baby.
-And, and--
-Yeah
Well I have to remember.
It was role play!
Sorry. Apologies.
Fuck! Shit!
And...
-Oh fuck, shit! Come on.
-Okay thank you. Thanks.
Thank you so much.
Do you not have a key
to your own mail room?
No, because I'm a Partner here,
not the mail room guy.
[Alex] It's right there.
Stop buggering around
and open that door.
Open the door.
I honestly can't,
I just told you that.
If I was a Partner here I'd
have a skeleton key to every
room.
Skeleton keys aren't real so--
Aren't real! [Simon scoffs]
Aren't real!? This guy.
Guys let's think.
Should we break the glass?
No, we should set it on fire.
We could flood it. Yeah that
would work. Water damage. Yeah.
No, no, no we are not flooding
or setting on fire.
No, we're just going to wait
for the mail room guy to come
back.
Well how long
is he going to be?
I don't know, oh my god...
[fire alarm rings]
Morning.
Everyone's just going to think
it was a small malfunction.
I have no words.
-[phone chimes]
-Hang on.
Okay. Wow, it worked.
Apparently every bit of
paper on that floor is pulp.
[all laugh]
Oh thank God.
So Lauren, I thought
if Alex is leaving
there's going to be an opening
for a new wing-man right?
Yeah, I guess so.
Well I've taken the liberty
to track your progress on
the Spreadsheet already.
So I kind of know what--
What?
Yeah, I'm fully briefed.
I know, I know everything so...
Everything?
Yeah, so I could be
your Robin, Batman.
Batperson?
What are you going
to do without me?
Yeah, and I can, I've got
some plans for a league table,
so it would be like
Premiere division,
first division, second
division.
Ah, it's still a
work in progress.
[Lauren sighs]
Lauren?
Ah, Matt.
Hey, I'm glad I caught you.
I was going to call, sorry.
Listen, I know you
got a lot of stuff on.
Yeah, I've had a shocking day.
Look, I need to know
where I stand.
I know first and
foremost we're mates.
Exactly.
But seriously Loz,
I actually think there
might be something here.
Yeah, but we are, we're mates.
-Yep.
-And you're mates with Jake.
And it all just feels too
matey.
No, I get it, it's complicated.
And I need to put my children
first and what I need is...
..simplicity.
Right.
And I just don't need a
relationship with anyone.
I can't do more.
Okay, listen.
Being friends is good,
but don't you want someone
to look after you or...
No!
I don't need someone
to look after me Matt.
-Okay?
-Okay.
-Yeah.
-Right.
-Hey.
-Hey.
[Greg] Whoo!
[Matt] Greg! Hey.
[Matt] What are you doing here?
[Greg] I'm... Me?
I'm coming to see Lauren.
Check she's okay after we
had to cancel last night.
Yes. Have you met?
-Fuck off!
-What?
Oh.
-Fuck off.
-Oh dear.
-Jodi Reginatto! -Ah, what are
you talking about?
-You...
-What?
Ahh! What are
you talking about.
Sorry, do you know
each other or?
He's my brother.
Oh you're joking. Oh god.
You absolute...
[men struggle]
Oh no.
Please tell me you
didn't sleep with him.
No. Yes. No.
A bit.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
She's my friend!
Mate!
She's my neighbour.
What?
Yeah I live over there
now, but of course
you don't read the family
newsletter you dickhead.
[men moan and groan]
Guys, the neighbours.
-Get off!
-No!
Ahh!
[yelling]
That's, awful.
[Lauren] Yeah,
see you later guys.
[Greg] I hate you!
Don't make too much noise.
[gentle music]
[chicken clucks]
Hm?
[upbeat music]
[electric drill]
Oh, oh, oh,
babe, babe, babe.
Pull my finger.
-No.
-Pull it!
-No.
-Go, go!
[Jake farts]
-[both laugh]
-You're disgusting.
Don't, Jake!
How's it looking?
Yeah, the eye patch
makes you look at bit freaky.
No, not me. The wiring?
Oh no, well sweet as.
You're old man and his
unfinished projects hey?
-Yeah.
-All good. Almost done.
Good.
You're lucky to
have a professional
to call on for help.
Actually here's this
as a thank you.
For me? Thank you so much.
-Jake, look.
-Well look at that.
[Nancy] Oh, thank you.
I love it.
[Matt] Hey.
Oh, you're here.
Yeah, Jake called.
Hey bro, come in.
I'm just returning
his 140 mill snips--
[Jake] Are they
my 200 mill snips?
-200 mill snips.
-Right.
Hey. There you go.
Gregster!
Holy shit! Haven't
seen you in ages mate.
Rotorua 2002, remember?
Oh Jake!
[all laugh]
-Good to see ya man.
-Great.
What's that?
Oh, it's for the, for her.
Chicken's eggs.
You've met Angus?
Ah sorry,
this is my partner Nancy.
Nancy, Greg.
You know Matt.
[Alex] Oh, this is...
Alex.
This is cosy isn't it.
What was that sweetheart?
Ah, yep. Sorry, that's just
Lola, got to go and...
[Nancy] I didn't hear anything.
-[Alex] I don't think we've
met. -Hey.
[Lauren] Just coming darling.
Come on in. Come on in.
Lola?
[smash]
[Lauren] Ahhh.
[Alex laughs]
With ya eye patch and the leg
you look a bit like a--
-A pirate?
-Yep.
Um, why is trouser
snake downstairs?
It turns out he's
Matt's brother.
-Matt's brother!
-Shhhh!
[Alex laughs]
[both laugh]
You've made up your
mind haven't you?
I'm really sorry Lauren.
No, I'm sorry I was
giving you a hard time.
I'd do the same to you.
I really just want you to be
happy and this is wonderful,
it really is,
it's a great opportunity.
I mean obviously,
it's really shit for me.
But, you know, I'll see
you when I come to the UK
and we can FaceTime.
Hm, I'm going to miss you a
lot.
Please don't cry
because I'll fucking cry
and I've only got
one working eye.
[gentle music]
-Ahhh!
-I'm sorry.
Okay.
Okay, what did you
want to do about that?
-The Spreadsheet.
-Yeah.
What you reckon?
Um, well the universe does
seem to be shouting at me
quite loudly right now.
I think you should delete it.
Um...
-It's time.
-Is it?
Yep, let's delete it.
No, no, no, no. No!
-Are you sure?
-No I'm not quitting.
Maybe we can consolidate it.
-Yeah, simplify it.
-Yeah.
-Add a password.
-Maybe make it a league table.
-Yeah.
-No.
-And put them in order.
-No don't touch that.
[Jake] Ah Loz, think
you've got a problem.
-White ants?
-White ants.
But ants?
They are like termites.
Horrible things.
Anyway, you can't stay here
until the inspector clears it.
Right, well I guess
I'm keeping the RV.
I think it will okay for you.
But I think the girls should
move in with me
while you get
yourself sorted.
Well hang on.
Well they can't
stay in a RV Loz,
and this place isn't safe.
Yeah, okay. Maybe for a bit.
And they wanted to bring some
of their stuff anyway so.
Where are you
going to stay Mum?
-Ah, well, ah!
-You all right?
Yes! I have got the van and
I love camping, as you know.
So I'll be fine.
Okay, but remember Angus can't
eat chocolate. Like, at all!
-No.
-Not even if you're sharing.
No not at all,
but wine's fine yeah?
I'm joking. I'm joking.
I'll be fine.
-Bye Mum.
-Bye darling.
[Lola] Dad, this trampoline
isn't going to bounce itself.
-Bye Mum. Love you till you
die. -Bye Mum.
Bye.
[Jake] Watch the car!
[Lola] Let's hit the road.
[Nancy] Come on girls.
[car starts]
[chicken clucks]
[gentle music]
I guess you're almost
a parrot aren't you?
We'll be all right
won't we Angus?
[chicken clucks]
Hm. That was
definitely a yes.
[phone chimes]
[stirring music]