Spreadsheet (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
[man and woman moaning]
[Lauren stops moaning]
[both pant heavily]
[Lauren sighs]
[Matt] That was...
Our second time.
I only came over to give you
a fresh batch of Kefir.
Yeah, thank you for that.
Appreciate it.
This one's made
with coconut water,
kind of has a different--
-Smell?
-Hm.
Hey listen, um...
Do you
mind if I--
If you left? No that's fine.
-No! I can stay.
-Good.
Come here.
Move.
-Spoons?
-Okay.
Oh I see. There you go.
There we go.
Matt, don't take this
the wrong way, but um,
I'm sort of used to
sleeping on my own and--
[Matt] So I am.
Maybe it's best if you
go back to your place.
Hm, I knew you'd
understand because...
[Matt snores]
Matt?
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
And then he farted.
[Helena laughs]
Of course he did.
It's like I'm literally
two seconds away
from doing his bloody washing.
So, to counter this.
You're going to?
[Lauren gurgles]
Yep, sex party.
It's not like some
dodgy Louis Theroux,
sort of swingers party.
It's an exclusive,
invite only, sex party.
And you got an invite how?
Ah, the celebrity,
I believe the term is,
"slid into my DM's"?
What's his name?
Um, I signed an NDA.
You've never heard of him,
have you?
Nope, but apparently he's
a major, in-fluenza.
[Helen] Influenza!?
Honestly, sometimes
I'm astonished
you have a law degree.
He's very famous, apparently.
He's very sexy
and he's invited me,
to an exclusive sex party.
Oh, and um, apparently
there's going to be
a chocolate fountain
there as well, so.
Oh, well that explains it then.
Wait, so where is
this sex party, anyway?
It's in Olivedale,
about four hours away.
You're making Alex drive you
four hours to a sex party?
No, she's not.
Hi. No, Rhys and I are going to
a silent retreat this weekend.
[Helena laughs]
No, no.
It's actually not funny.
[Lauren giggles]
No, you get a fancy
celebrity sex party,
and I get a room
full of sea-glass matting
that smells like feet.
Well maybe someone will
touch your mula bandha.
-Should I take my neck pillow?
-Why?
Wait, so how are
you getting there?
I'm getting the train,
and then I'm meeting him
at a rendezvous point.
Oh Jesus Christ.
You just love having a
rendezvous point, don't you?
Oh, have you heard
from Mum and Dad?
They were meant to send me
their flight details
from Beijing.
Should I take one or two?
I'm not answering that.
Well, I don't want
to be unprepared.
[knocking on window]
Hi!
Gross.
[Helena] Did you just throw
a fucking dildo at me?
Hi.
Oh, wow!
[laughing]
Oh, this is unexpected.
Hello, Floss.
Oh my gosh, I have to
take my bloody bra off.
Put the kettle on, Bosslett.
Have you got any Earl Grey?
-No, I don't have Earl Grey.
-Clipper Organic?
Why are you here? I mean,
it's lovely to see you, but--
Well, I mean, we were so close,
so we just thought, why not?
I'll put it on.
You were in China.
Um, I don't have Clipper, Dad.
Oh, English Breakfast?
Oh, hello.
What a lovely surprise.
I packed the big one.
Oh, hello Alex.
Good to see you.
Oh, Alex, hi.
[groans]
Sorry, I had to
take my bra off.
Don't mind me.
Bloody long trip.
Come here.
So um, how long
are you staying?
Oh, I don't know.
A week? Two?
You know,
we haven't decided.
[chicken clucks]
-What's wrong?
-No, nothing.
Is this all you've
got Bosslett?
And, and did you know there's
a chicken in your kitchen?
Yes.
Where will you sleep?
Ah, we've got an RV,
with an awning.
Oh wow.
Oh, but unfortunately,
I do have to go to
a work thing tonight.
It's an awards thingy.
Yeah, I should get
going too, actually.
Ooh, an awards. What for?
Uh, an industry thingy.
Um, it's peer reviewed.
Yeah, it's uh, she's up
for Most Intrepid.
Okay. I've got to go.
It's perfect timing.
We can look after the kids.
After we've had a cup of tea.
Okay. Actually the kids
are with Jake this weekend.
Uh no, they're not.
I, I called him
on the way here.
They're coming over
in a minute.
Awe.
[upbeat music]
Package deal.
Got all the bits and bobs
along with it.
Oh.
Good, isn't it?
It's quite big.
[girls] Nana!
Oh, girls! Hello!
Oh my darlings!
[Roger chuckles]
Darling.
Oh my goat.
Is that yours?
Oh my goat, yes it is.
Where's Daddy?
He's rewiring an electrical
accumulation meter.
But he says, hi.
A bit of a surprise visit
from Grandpa and Nana.
I'm afraid the work awards
thingy is out of town,
but you guys
can just hang here.
Oh no darling,
we want to see you as well.
How far away is this award--
I fancy a bit of travelling.
Yeah, no, no it's out
in Olivedale, Dad.
Rog, isn't Chateau Baskerville
in Olivedale?
That's right.
Fantastic architecture.
Is it full of hounds?
I think they've got a
camping ground there,
so we could stay over night.
[girls cheering]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not after your flight.
It's like a four hour drive.
We didn't get the RV
just to park up in your
driveway, Bosslett.
[Carol] Oh darling,
do you know what?
I think they've just curated
a snake dungeon there, too.
A snake dungeon?
I would love a dungeon.
Yeah, please, Mum?
Come on? It sounds weird.
-Come on, let's look in the RV.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't think there's going to
be time for snakes or dungeons.
My work thing's at six and
ah, it's half twelve,
I got to get a move on Mum.
You know, I've got to
shower and change,
I got to get to
the train station.
Train station?
Yes darling, where,
where is your car?
Mummy got arrested.
She got a three months
suspension.
The car got squashed.
Ah, that's.
Drinking?
Wow.
[Roger] Well it looks like
it's settled. We're driving.
Don't worry, plenty of time
for snakes and showers.
Great.
[Carol] I think we can
actually take the C425.
[Roger] No, that's okay.
I've got the sat nav.
That'll tell us the best route.
[Carol] We don't need the
sat nav. I know where we are.
But, I like to know
exactly where we are.
Yeah, Mum,
if we're going to go,
let's, let's use the sat nav.
It'll be quicker.
Grandpa, two across.
Lessening of tension
in political affairs.
Seven letters.
-Detenty?
-Detente.
Detente. Let's go.
Let's get your sleeping bags.
Sleeping bags?
No, we should get their
rain coats, Carol.
-A bit drizzly up there.
-Oh, yes.
Oh, and we can
make a packed lunch.
I could make pasties.
Oh no, you don't have
to make pasties, Mum.
You don't have to make them.
-[girls cheering]
-Fine, I won't make pasties.
Can we just get in
the fucking van?
Please?
[upbeat music]
[Lola] I'm hungry.
[Carol] I told you we
should've made pasties.
[Lauren] Abby,
give her the cherries.
[items crashing]
[Carol] What was that?
[girls scream]
-[Abby] What the?
-[Lauren] Mum, sit down!
[Lauren screaming]
[items crashing]
You should have stacked the
cups and plates properly,
Lauren.
Yes, I know. I did stack them.
[Abby] Ah Mum, come here.
Well clearly that cupboard
door was not secured properly.
I didn't know you were going to
get the bloody tea stuff out.
[Abby vomits]
[Lauren screams]
Oh, baby.
[gentle music]
Oh baby.
Going to have to fill
the water tank soon.
Nearly out.
Gross, Grandpa.
This really stinks.
Not as bad as your porridge
vomit, when you were a toddler.
We even named a
lay-by after you.
Lola's vomit spot.
[mimics vomiting]
[Lola laughs]
You are a weird Grandpa.
Are you feeling okay?
I'm never eating
cherries ever again.
Yeah, you ate the whole punnet,
didn't you?
Maybe.
Yeah, I'll get you a drink.
All right, let's get
your hair, darling.
Oh God.
[Lauren sighs]
Nanny loves you.
Here you are, my darling.
Just drink this water.
-Here, I've got that.
-I've got it.
Yeah, not too, not too much,
she'll be sick again!
[Abby exclaims]
-Fine.
-Sorry.
Nanny's useless.
[Lauren mutters]
Right. Shall we go
to a snake dungeon?
-I guess so.
-Yay!
Ah! Wow, here we are.
Great. Fantastic.
Okay.
Great.
Let's go. Brilliant.
Great, come on Dad.
Yep, good, good, good.
I don't want to miss my lift
to the awards thingy.
Yeah? Ready?
[RV beeps]
[Lauren sighs]
-Just get the broom.
-You're sweeping?
Okay, so I'm going
to go ahead, Mum.
You can catch up, okay?
Don't be so hard on your Mum.
She's just trying to help.
Yeah, I know, but she's
just so overbearing.
[RV door closes]
God, I stink.
Giddy up Mum,
I want to see the dungeon.
And, you shall.
Okay.
Hello.
Welcome to Chateau Baskerville.
Home of the infamous,
dead Count Baskerville,
and his magical menagerie
of curated creatures.
Uh, my name is Greg.
You can call me Sir Greg,
if you want.
Or just Greg. Greg's fine.
I'll be your guide today.
Lucky you.
Ah, thank you.
Oh, wow. Apparently
there's a big python
called Neville,
in the snake dungeon.
Oh.
Come on, darlings.
Let's go see Neville the snake.
Did you know, that Python's
can swallow a wild pig whole?
No, I didn't know that.
And how big is a
wild pig, typically?
Human sort of size.
Your size.
I'm the size of
a wild pig? Wow!
I have to be
somewhere at five,
so how long does this take?
I can make it last
as long as you want.
Okay.
Is that vomit?
Yeah, it is.
Awesome.
[upbeat music]
[Roger] This is more like it.
[chuckles]
Lovely.
Come on, everybody out.
-Oh, wow.
-Here we go.
Whoa! Look over here!
Let's race!
Dad, does the shower
in the RV work?
Yeah. Good to go.
Internal tank.
Great. Yeah, thanks Mum.
[vehicle arriving]
Oh, God.
Hi Nancy. Hey!
Chateau Baskerville.
Incredible, right?
Yeah. Why? Why?
Why are you here?
Well, poor, lonely Angus
had an anxiety attack.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I popped over
to feed her.
She was having
a complete meltdown.
I think she's
still quite damaged.
And I tried to get onto Jake,
but he was tied up,
but he mentioned that
you were at the Chateau.
Yes. Oh Mum, this is Nancy.
Is, is that your chicken,
darling?
Mm-hmm.
Carol? So nice to
meet you in person.
Yeah, I was just saying,
chickens actually form a very
strong bond to their mother.
It's good of you to bring
her all the way out here.
Well, I had a duty of care.
Jake still tied up, is he?
Yeah. He's working late.
Hi girls. How are you?
Are you having fun?
Why are you here?
Well, as I was just
saying to your mummy,
chickens,
especially rescue chickens,
can form attachment issues.
Attachment issues?
Yeah, so.
Here, just...
Come on, Angus.
[Nancy sighs]
But don't worry,
I bought something for her
to hang out in during the day.
Obviously at night she'll
be in bed with you?
I made this for
my brother's flock.
Oh, look at that girls.
Spare travel hutch.
Well, this is very inventive.
Look, these hinges are clever.
Oh, it's like a little
gypsy caravan, marvellous.
[sniffing]
You smell like Dad.
Well, it's his jumper.
We share everything,
your daddy and I.
Well, I'll leave this here.
Thank you. Thank you
for bringing her,
for no apparent reason.
Just remember, you can never
over cuddle a chicken.
Okay.
Bye.
[Roger] Lovely.
[Lauren] I've got to get to
my roadside rendezvous, Angus.
Gross, gross, gross, gross.
[shower starts and stops]
Dad!
Yes, love?
There's no water.
Oh, hang, hang on.
The tank must be empty.
Okay.
I'll just hook
it up to the tap.
[Angus clucks]
Won't be a moment.
It's not on, Dad.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Oh no, the connector's
dropped off.
Hold on. I'll fix it.
There's no hose?
Don't panic.
I'm covered in vomit, Dad.
Yes. All right.
Don't worry, love.
I've got a connector here.
[lively music]
Oh, sexy. Yeah,
that'll do the trick.
[Roger] Lauren?
Dildo.
[Angus clucks]
Oh, God. I forgot my knickers.
Oh, God.
[insects chirp]
[upbeat music]
Hello!
[shoe dropping]
Oh, shit.
[engine starts]
No, no wait!
[engine revving]
Wait!
[car driving away]
[Lauren sighs]
[Helena] Are you calling
me from a sex party,
because I'm at work
and I don't think,
I can keep a straight face.
No, I missed my rendezvous.
[Helena] You missed
your rendezvous!
Yeah. He left without me
and I don't have his number.
[Helena] Oh well.
Who wants to shag a bunch
of egotistical,
influenzas anyway.
Mm. What do I do now?
[Helena] Go spend time with
Mum and Dad, you nincompoop.
Yeah. Helena?
[Helena] What?
I'm not wearing any knickers.
[Helena] I don't think you
have to tell them that.
[humming and singing]
# Unto the sweet
Bird's throat #
# Come hither,
come hither #
[Roger] You sing it.
# Oh, oh, ohh #
# Come hither, come hither #
[parents kiss]
[singing continues]
Oh, quick awards ceremony?
[Carol] Oh darling,
did you win?
-No.
-Oh.
-No, I didn't.
-Sod them.
[laughing]
Girls are asleep.
All tucked up in the bunk.
Snug as a bug in a rug.
Great. Thank you.
Shall we have a glass of wine?
Well actually--
It's just been such
a ridiculous day.
I just feel like I've,
been so busy,
with me, rushing
and the vomit and
don't feel I've had a chance
to just sit and chat.
Shall I?
I'm sorry, darling.
I don't think,
I could keep my eyes
open for another minute.
-Oh.
-Yeah, jet lag's kicking in.
Jet lag. Yeah, of course.
But I tell you what, let's help
you make up your bed.
Oh, don't worry Mum,
I know how to do that.
All right, sweet. Okay.
Good night, darling.
Good night.
Love you, Bosslet.
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
Hmm.
And this is exactly how
people get murdered, Lauren.
[sighs and moans]
Oh.
What?
There's a fox looking at me.
You don't like it?
-Um.
-It's not for everyone.
Let's go. Do you
want to pop up here?
-Thanks very much.
-Yeah, help yourself.
Settle in.
Make yourself at home.
Oh, great.
That's comfortable.
All right. Okay.
[man growls]
[Lauren laughs]
[kissing sounds]
You're a great kisser.
[kissing sounds]
Did you know that pythons
have a sixth sense for heat?
I didn't know that, no.
Well, they do.
[kissing sounds]
Hang on.
Legend has it,
Count Baskerville was sweating
so much in his body armour,
while up a tree trying to
catch a rhinoceros hornbill.
Rhinoceros hornbill.
[kissing and moaning]
Have you ever seen a
glow in the dark python?
No.
Okay, here we go.
Ta-da!
-Wow.
-Wow.
Yeah, that's really taking
it to the next level.
We actually sell this
in the gift shop.
The lube, that is.
Not my dick.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
[kissing sounds]
[couple moaning]
[display banging]
Wait, shall we try
another spot even?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right,
let's just move it around.
Okay.
Where you want it?
Where, where?
[display crashing]
[Lauren screams]
[alarm sounding]
Oh, shit.
[policeman sighs]
Have we met?
Wouldn't have thought so.
No.
-Again Greg?
-Again?
Yeah. I'm sorry Lionel.
And this time you open
Neville's enclosure.
This time. So you're a serial
snake dungeon shagger, are you?
What were you even
doing so close to it?
Um, well, she got
scared of the taxidermy,
so I was trying
to find a better spot.
Well great,
now Neville's on the loose.
Yeah.
You know how valuable he is?
Yeah I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry.
It was really good fun
though wasn't it?
Yeah, it really was, yeah.
So sorry,
a python has escaped?
Not just A python.
Neville is an extremely rare,
genetically unique--
Okay, sure.
He got us four stars on
Trip Advisor in 2019.
Four stars?
That's very impressive.
But I mean, they can't move
that quickly, can they?
Well approximately
1.6 kilometres per hour.
Hm.
-Right.
-Yeah.
Well, it sounds like you've
got no time to waste.
Actually, you are right.
I should set up a perimeter.
Get on the radio.
[upbeat music]
[vehicle approaching]
[Lauren] Thanks. Of course
the lights were necessary.
[Police Officer] Well,
it's standard procedure.
Whatever, whatever.
[Lauren sighs]
[car driving off]
Mum, what are you doing up?
Do you remember when
you were about 15?
You suck out to a party
leaving the back door,
swinging open,
banging all night.
This squeaky,
bloody door woke me up.
Oh, sorry
[Lauren exhales]
Why did you just
get out of a police car?
Oh, the police car, yeah.
Um, yeah. He was just
dropping me off.
Yeah. From?
I just popped out
to get some snacks.
Lauren, you went
to the snake dungeon
with Sir Greg,
didn't you?
How did you know?
I've met his type before.
He's actually really charming.
Yeah and rather kinky,
I would imagine.
Sometimes it's better
to double check
these little peccadilloes
beforehand, you know,
save any surprises.
There was an alarm, actually.
What, in the dungeon?
Seems a bit extreme.
Are you all right, Floss?
Well, I just had sex with a
stranger in a snake dungeon.
So, I don't know.
You're just processing.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
That's a nice way to put it.
Well, you are in
uncharted territory.
-You, Jake, Nancy.
-Yeah.
I mean, it must be very odd.
It is odd.
But just because it's odd,
doesn't mean it's not right.
You'll be okay.
Floss, you were always okay.
Thanks, Mum.
[gentle music]
There was no award ceremony,
was there?
I tried to go to a sex party.
Okay, yes.
A sex party?
Yes, Mum. A sex party.
You mean we've been running
all day to get you to an orgy.
[laughing]
Yeah, an orgy, yeah.
'Cause that's they way I roll,
and you can laugh but that's,
that's what I do.
No that's fine.
I'm not judging.
-It's my right to do that.
-It is darling.
That's what I'm doing
with my spare time.
I'm going to bed Mum.
Oh darling.
[door squeaks]
[Carol] Shush.
God.
[Roger snores]
[phone chimes]
[phone continues ringing]
[python hisses]
[Matt on phone] Loz, hey!
Quick thing. Coffee stain?
[Lauren screams]
[Matt on phone] Loz?!
[Lauren stops moaning]
[both pant heavily]
[Lauren sighs]
[Matt] That was...
Our second time.
I only came over to give you
a fresh batch of Kefir.
Yeah, thank you for that.
Appreciate it.
This one's made
with coconut water,
kind of has a different--
-Smell?
-Hm.
Hey listen, um...
Do you
mind if I--
If you left? No that's fine.
-No! I can stay.
-Good.
Come here.
Move.
-Spoons?
-Okay.
Oh I see. There you go.
There we go.
Matt, don't take this
the wrong way, but um,
I'm sort of used to
sleeping on my own and--
[Matt] So I am.
Maybe it's best if you
go back to your place.
Hm, I knew you'd
understand because...
[Matt snores]
Matt?
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
And then he farted.
[Helena laughs]
Of course he did.
It's like I'm literally
two seconds away
from doing his bloody washing.
So, to counter this.
You're going to?
[Lauren gurgles]
Yep, sex party.
It's not like some
dodgy Louis Theroux,
sort of swingers party.
It's an exclusive,
invite only, sex party.
And you got an invite how?
Ah, the celebrity,
I believe the term is,
"slid into my DM's"?
What's his name?
Um, I signed an NDA.
You've never heard of him,
have you?
Nope, but apparently he's
a major, in-fluenza.
[Helen] Influenza!?
Honestly, sometimes
I'm astonished
you have a law degree.
He's very famous, apparently.
He's very sexy
and he's invited me,
to an exclusive sex party.
Oh, and um, apparently
there's going to be
a chocolate fountain
there as well, so.
Oh, well that explains it then.
Wait, so where is
this sex party, anyway?
It's in Olivedale,
about four hours away.
You're making Alex drive you
four hours to a sex party?
No, she's not.
Hi. No, Rhys and I are going to
a silent retreat this weekend.
[Helena laughs]
No, no.
It's actually not funny.
[Lauren giggles]
No, you get a fancy
celebrity sex party,
and I get a room
full of sea-glass matting
that smells like feet.
Well maybe someone will
touch your mula bandha.
-Should I take my neck pillow?
-Why?
Wait, so how are
you getting there?
I'm getting the train,
and then I'm meeting him
at a rendezvous point.
Oh Jesus Christ.
You just love having a
rendezvous point, don't you?
Oh, have you heard
from Mum and Dad?
They were meant to send me
their flight details
from Beijing.
Should I take one or two?
I'm not answering that.
Well, I don't want
to be unprepared.
[knocking on window]
Hi!
Gross.
[Helena] Did you just throw
a fucking dildo at me?
Hi.
Oh, wow!
[laughing]
Oh, this is unexpected.
Hello, Floss.
Oh my gosh, I have to
take my bloody bra off.
Put the kettle on, Bosslett.
Have you got any Earl Grey?
-No, I don't have Earl Grey.
-Clipper Organic?
Why are you here? I mean,
it's lovely to see you, but--
Well, I mean, we were so close,
so we just thought, why not?
I'll put it on.
You were in China.
Um, I don't have Clipper, Dad.
Oh, English Breakfast?
Oh, hello.
What a lovely surprise.
I packed the big one.
Oh, hello Alex.
Good to see you.
Oh, Alex, hi.
[groans]
Sorry, I had to
take my bra off.
Don't mind me.
Bloody long trip.
Come here.
So um, how long
are you staying?
Oh, I don't know.
A week? Two?
You know,
we haven't decided.
[chicken clucks]
-What's wrong?
-No, nothing.
Is this all you've
got Bosslett?
And, and did you know there's
a chicken in your kitchen?
Yes.
Where will you sleep?
Ah, we've got an RV,
with an awning.
Oh wow.
Oh, but unfortunately,
I do have to go to
a work thing tonight.
It's an awards thingy.
Yeah, I should get
going too, actually.
Ooh, an awards. What for?
Uh, an industry thingy.
Um, it's peer reviewed.
Yeah, it's uh, she's up
for Most Intrepid.
Okay. I've got to go.
It's perfect timing.
We can look after the kids.
After we've had a cup of tea.
Okay. Actually the kids
are with Jake this weekend.
Uh no, they're not.
I, I called him
on the way here.
They're coming over
in a minute.
Awe.
[upbeat music]
Package deal.
Got all the bits and bobs
along with it.
Oh.
Good, isn't it?
It's quite big.
[girls] Nana!
Oh, girls! Hello!
Oh my darlings!
[Roger chuckles]
Darling.
Oh my goat.
Is that yours?
Oh my goat, yes it is.
Where's Daddy?
He's rewiring an electrical
accumulation meter.
But he says, hi.
A bit of a surprise visit
from Grandpa and Nana.
I'm afraid the work awards
thingy is out of town,
but you guys
can just hang here.
Oh no darling,
we want to see you as well.
How far away is this award--
I fancy a bit of travelling.
Yeah, no, no it's out
in Olivedale, Dad.
Rog, isn't Chateau Baskerville
in Olivedale?
That's right.
Fantastic architecture.
Is it full of hounds?
I think they've got a
camping ground there,
so we could stay over night.
[girls cheering]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not after your flight.
It's like a four hour drive.
We didn't get the RV
just to park up in your
driveway, Bosslett.
[Carol] Oh darling,
do you know what?
I think they've just curated
a snake dungeon there, too.
A snake dungeon?
I would love a dungeon.
Yeah, please, Mum?
Come on? It sounds weird.
-Come on, let's look in the RV.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't think there's going to
be time for snakes or dungeons.
My work thing's at six and
ah, it's half twelve,
I got to get a move on Mum.
You know, I've got to
shower and change,
I got to get to
the train station.
Train station?
Yes darling, where,
where is your car?
Mummy got arrested.
She got a three months
suspension.
The car got squashed.
Ah, that's.
Drinking?
Wow.
[Roger] Well it looks like
it's settled. We're driving.
Don't worry, plenty of time
for snakes and showers.
Great.
[Carol] I think we can
actually take the C425.
[Roger] No, that's okay.
I've got the sat nav.
That'll tell us the best route.
[Carol] We don't need the
sat nav. I know where we are.
But, I like to know
exactly where we are.
Yeah, Mum,
if we're going to go,
let's, let's use the sat nav.
It'll be quicker.
Grandpa, two across.
Lessening of tension
in political affairs.
Seven letters.
-Detenty?
-Detente.
Detente. Let's go.
Let's get your sleeping bags.
Sleeping bags?
No, we should get their
rain coats, Carol.
-A bit drizzly up there.
-Oh, yes.
Oh, and we can
make a packed lunch.
I could make pasties.
Oh no, you don't have
to make pasties, Mum.
You don't have to make them.
-[girls cheering]
-Fine, I won't make pasties.
Can we just get in
the fucking van?
Please?
[upbeat music]
[Lola] I'm hungry.
[Carol] I told you we
should've made pasties.
[Lauren] Abby,
give her the cherries.
[items crashing]
[Carol] What was that?
[girls scream]
-[Abby] What the?
-[Lauren] Mum, sit down!
[Lauren screaming]
[items crashing]
You should have stacked the
cups and plates properly,
Lauren.
Yes, I know. I did stack them.
[Abby] Ah Mum, come here.
Well clearly that cupboard
door was not secured properly.
I didn't know you were going to
get the bloody tea stuff out.
[Abby vomits]
[Lauren screams]
Oh, baby.
[gentle music]
Oh baby.
Going to have to fill
the water tank soon.
Nearly out.
Gross, Grandpa.
This really stinks.
Not as bad as your porridge
vomit, when you were a toddler.
We even named a
lay-by after you.
Lola's vomit spot.
[mimics vomiting]
[Lola laughs]
You are a weird Grandpa.
Are you feeling okay?
I'm never eating
cherries ever again.
Yeah, you ate the whole punnet,
didn't you?
Maybe.
Yeah, I'll get you a drink.
All right, let's get
your hair, darling.
Oh God.
[Lauren sighs]
Nanny loves you.
Here you are, my darling.
Just drink this water.
-Here, I've got that.
-I've got it.
Yeah, not too, not too much,
she'll be sick again!
[Abby exclaims]
-Fine.
-Sorry.
Nanny's useless.
[Lauren mutters]
Right. Shall we go
to a snake dungeon?
-I guess so.
-Yay!
Ah! Wow, here we are.
Great. Fantastic.
Okay.
Great.
Let's go. Brilliant.
Great, come on Dad.
Yep, good, good, good.
I don't want to miss my lift
to the awards thingy.
Yeah? Ready?
[RV beeps]
[Lauren sighs]
-Just get the broom.
-You're sweeping?
Okay, so I'm going
to go ahead, Mum.
You can catch up, okay?
Don't be so hard on your Mum.
She's just trying to help.
Yeah, I know, but she's
just so overbearing.
[RV door closes]
God, I stink.
Giddy up Mum,
I want to see the dungeon.
And, you shall.
Okay.
Hello.
Welcome to Chateau Baskerville.
Home of the infamous,
dead Count Baskerville,
and his magical menagerie
of curated creatures.
Uh, my name is Greg.
You can call me Sir Greg,
if you want.
Or just Greg. Greg's fine.
I'll be your guide today.
Lucky you.
Ah, thank you.
Oh, wow. Apparently
there's a big python
called Neville,
in the snake dungeon.
Oh.
Come on, darlings.
Let's go see Neville the snake.
Did you know, that Python's
can swallow a wild pig whole?
No, I didn't know that.
And how big is a
wild pig, typically?
Human sort of size.
Your size.
I'm the size of
a wild pig? Wow!
I have to be
somewhere at five,
so how long does this take?
I can make it last
as long as you want.
Okay.
Is that vomit?
Yeah, it is.
Awesome.
[upbeat music]
[Roger] This is more like it.
[chuckles]
Lovely.
Come on, everybody out.
-Oh, wow.
-Here we go.
Whoa! Look over here!
Let's race!
Dad, does the shower
in the RV work?
Yeah. Good to go.
Internal tank.
Great. Yeah, thanks Mum.
[vehicle arriving]
Oh, God.
Hi Nancy. Hey!
Chateau Baskerville.
Incredible, right?
Yeah. Why? Why?
Why are you here?
Well, poor, lonely Angus
had an anxiety attack.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I popped over
to feed her.
She was having
a complete meltdown.
I think she's
still quite damaged.
And I tried to get onto Jake,
but he was tied up,
but he mentioned that
you were at the Chateau.
Yes. Oh Mum, this is Nancy.
Is, is that your chicken,
darling?
Mm-hmm.
Carol? So nice to
meet you in person.
Yeah, I was just saying,
chickens actually form a very
strong bond to their mother.
It's good of you to bring
her all the way out here.
Well, I had a duty of care.
Jake still tied up, is he?
Yeah. He's working late.
Hi girls. How are you?
Are you having fun?
Why are you here?
Well, as I was just
saying to your mummy,
chickens,
especially rescue chickens,
can form attachment issues.
Attachment issues?
Yeah, so.
Here, just...
Come on, Angus.
[Nancy sighs]
But don't worry,
I bought something for her
to hang out in during the day.
Obviously at night she'll
be in bed with you?
I made this for
my brother's flock.
Oh, look at that girls.
Spare travel hutch.
Well, this is very inventive.
Look, these hinges are clever.
Oh, it's like a little
gypsy caravan, marvellous.
[sniffing]
You smell like Dad.
Well, it's his jumper.
We share everything,
your daddy and I.
Well, I'll leave this here.
Thank you. Thank you
for bringing her,
for no apparent reason.
Just remember, you can never
over cuddle a chicken.
Okay.
Bye.
[Roger] Lovely.
[Lauren] I've got to get to
my roadside rendezvous, Angus.
Gross, gross, gross, gross.
[shower starts and stops]
Dad!
Yes, love?
There's no water.
Oh, hang, hang on.
The tank must be empty.
Okay.
I'll just hook
it up to the tap.
[Angus clucks]
Won't be a moment.
It's not on, Dad.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Oh no, the connector's
dropped off.
Hold on. I'll fix it.
There's no hose?
Don't panic.
I'm covered in vomit, Dad.
Yes. All right.
Don't worry, love.
I've got a connector here.
[lively music]
Oh, sexy. Yeah,
that'll do the trick.
[Roger] Lauren?
Dildo.
[Angus clucks]
Oh, God. I forgot my knickers.
Oh, God.
[insects chirp]
[upbeat music]
Hello!
[shoe dropping]
Oh, shit.
[engine starts]
No, no wait!
[engine revving]
Wait!
[car driving away]
[Lauren sighs]
[Helena] Are you calling
me from a sex party,
because I'm at work
and I don't think,
I can keep a straight face.
No, I missed my rendezvous.
[Helena] You missed
your rendezvous!
Yeah. He left without me
and I don't have his number.
[Helena] Oh well.
Who wants to shag a bunch
of egotistical,
influenzas anyway.
Mm. What do I do now?
[Helena] Go spend time with
Mum and Dad, you nincompoop.
Yeah. Helena?
[Helena] What?
I'm not wearing any knickers.
[Helena] I don't think you
have to tell them that.
[humming and singing]
# Unto the sweet
Bird's throat #
# Come hither,
come hither #
[Roger] You sing it.
# Oh, oh, ohh #
# Come hither, come hither #
[parents kiss]
[singing continues]
Oh, quick awards ceremony?
[Carol] Oh darling,
did you win?
-No.
-Oh.
-No, I didn't.
-Sod them.
[laughing]
Girls are asleep.
All tucked up in the bunk.
Snug as a bug in a rug.
Great. Thank you.
Shall we have a glass of wine?
Well actually--
It's just been such
a ridiculous day.
I just feel like I've,
been so busy,
with me, rushing
and the vomit and
don't feel I've had a chance
to just sit and chat.
Shall I?
I'm sorry, darling.
I don't think,
I could keep my eyes
open for another minute.
-Oh.
-Yeah, jet lag's kicking in.
Jet lag. Yeah, of course.
But I tell you what, let's help
you make up your bed.
Oh, don't worry Mum,
I know how to do that.
All right, sweet. Okay.
Good night, darling.
Good night.
Love you, Bosslet.
[gentle music]
[upbeat music]
Hmm.
And this is exactly how
people get murdered, Lauren.
[sighs and moans]
Oh.
What?
There's a fox looking at me.
You don't like it?
-Um.
-It's not for everyone.
Let's go. Do you
want to pop up here?
-Thanks very much.
-Yeah, help yourself.
Settle in.
Make yourself at home.
Oh, great.
That's comfortable.
All right. Okay.
[man growls]
[Lauren laughs]
[kissing sounds]
You're a great kisser.
[kissing sounds]
Did you know that pythons
have a sixth sense for heat?
I didn't know that, no.
Well, they do.
[kissing sounds]
Hang on.
Legend has it,
Count Baskerville was sweating
so much in his body armour,
while up a tree trying to
catch a rhinoceros hornbill.
Rhinoceros hornbill.
[kissing and moaning]
Have you ever seen a
glow in the dark python?
No.
Okay, here we go.
Ta-da!
-Wow.
-Wow.
Yeah, that's really taking
it to the next level.
We actually sell this
in the gift shop.
The lube, that is.
Not my dick.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
[kissing sounds]
[couple moaning]
[display banging]
Wait, shall we try
another spot even?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right,
let's just move it around.
Okay.
Where you want it?
Where, where?
[display crashing]
[Lauren screams]
[alarm sounding]
Oh, shit.
[policeman sighs]
Have we met?
Wouldn't have thought so.
No.
-Again Greg?
-Again?
Yeah. I'm sorry Lionel.
And this time you open
Neville's enclosure.
This time. So you're a serial
snake dungeon shagger, are you?
What were you even
doing so close to it?
Um, well, she got
scared of the taxidermy,
so I was trying
to find a better spot.
Well great,
now Neville's on the loose.
Yeah.
You know how valuable he is?
Yeah I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry.
It was really good fun
though wasn't it?
Yeah, it really was, yeah.
So sorry,
a python has escaped?
Not just A python.
Neville is an extremely rare,
genetically unique--
Okay, sure.
He got us four stars on
Trip Advisor in 2019.
Four stars?
That's very impressive.
But I mean, they can't move
that quickly, can they?
Well approximately
1.6 kilometres per hour.
Hm.
-Right.
-Yeah.
Well, it sounds like you've
got no time to waste.
Actually, you are right.
I should set up a perimeter.
Get on the radio.
[upbeat music]
[vehicle approaching]
[Lauren] Thanks. Of course
the lights were necessary.
[Police Officer] Well,
it's standard procedure.
Whatever, whatever.
[Lauren sighs]
[car driving off]
Mum, what are you doing up?
Do you remember when
you were about 15?
You suck out to a party
leaving the back door,
swinging open,
banging all night.
This squeaky,
bloody door woke me up.
Oh, sorry
[Lauren exhales]
Why did you just
get out of a police car?
Oh, the police car, yeah.
Um, yeah. He was just
dropping me off.
Yeah. From?
I just popped out
to get some snacks.
Lauren, you went
to the snake dungeon
with Sir Greg,
didn't you?
How did you know?
I've met his type before.
He's actually really charming.
Yeah and rather kinky,
I would imagine.
Sometimes it's better
to double check
these little peccadilloes
beforehand, you know,
save any surprises.
There was an alarm, actually.
What, in the dungeon?
Seems a bit extreme.
Are you all right, Floss?
Well, I just had sex with a
stranger in a snake dungeon.
So, I don't know.
You're just processing.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
That's a nice way to put it.
Well, you are in
uncharted territory.
-You, Jake, Nancy.
-Yeah.
I mean, it must be very odd.
It is odd.
But just because it's odd,
doesn't mean it's not right.
You'll be okay.
Floss, you were always okay.
Thanks, Mum.
[gentle music]
There was no award ceremony,
was there?
I tried to go to a sex party.
Okay, yes.
A sex party?
Yes, Mum. A sex party.
You mean we've been running
all day to get you to an orgy.
[laughing]
Yeah, an orgy, yeah.
'Cause that's they way I roll,
and you can laugh but that's,
that's what I do.
No that's fine.
I'm not judging.
-It's my right to do that.
-It is darling.
That's what I'm doing
with my spare time.
I'm going to bed Mum.
Oh darling.
[door squeaks]
[Carol] Shush.
God.
[Roger snores]
[phone chimes]
[phone continues ringing]
[python hisses]
[Matt on phone] Loz, hey!
Quick thing. Coffee stain?
[Lauren screams]
[Matt on phone] Loz?!