Spreadsheet (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
[shower running]
[both moaning]
[moaning continues]
[man screams in pain]
[man] Oh god!
[man continues moaning in pain]
What's happening?
[Lauren exclaims]
[man sobbing]
Oh no!
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
[woman] Tea, Ma'am?
Oh, thank you very much.
I appreciate it, thank you.
-I'm a lawyer.
-Hm.
Sorry, I don't know
why I said that.
[knock on door
and door opens]
[man groaning
in pain]
Ah, hey.
Matt?
Lauren?
Ah, you're a paramedic.
Yeah, still am.
What's happened here then?
I'm just have to have
a little look, all right?
[Man sighs] Yeah.
Just relax.
[both] Ow!
The old banjo string snapped
right through there.
[Lauren and man] The what?
Frenulum.
Yeah, bit of skin that connects
the foreskin to the shaft.
The fucking what?
Yeah. There we go.
Have a suck on that.
Let's get him going and
get him into the hospital.
[Matt] You'll be right.
We'll get you into hospital.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
There we go. There we go.
There we go.
She's a bit loose is she?
Hanging by a thread,
and you're all right?
Yes! I'll come.
[man] Am I going to die?
Nah, you lost a
lot of blood though.
Must have been at full
mast when it happened.
[Matt] You, uh,
getting in or...
Getting into the ambulance?
Yeah, I am.
[man] I've never been in
an ambulance before. Lauren!
Yeah.
Lauren, are you there?
The light...
Yes! No! That's just, that's
just the ambulance light.
You're fine.
You're going to be all right.
Chase.
What?
-His name, is Chase.
-Yes.
Yeah, no. I knew that.
You're going to be okay Chase.
[woman] Sorry Miss, Mrs, Madam,
but we have to
charge you for the robe.
Oh, well both the robes.
Yeah okay.
They're $199 each.
For a terry towelling robe?
[man screams in pain]
Put it on my card.
[upbeat music]
He'll be okay though, right?
Won't get a boner for weeks.
But he'll live.
If you can call that living.
Oh god!
What's with the...
Yes. I think I slipped
when it happened.
Right.
Must have pulled
a muscle or something.
Shall we take a look.
Make sure we haven't
done any serious damage.
That hurt?
[Lauren screams in pain]
-Yes.
-Okay.
All right. Well your
mobility's a bit restricted,
but I think it's just strained.
Seriously Loz,
you and your sex
related mishaps?
No, I'm really sorry
about the--
Chlamydia is the word.
Yeah, but I mean, it's quite
common and koalas have it.
If they hang around with
you long enough they do.
-Yeah great.
-Absolutely.
It is a numbers game though,
isn't it?
Oh, hang on Matt.
It's not like I'm out
every night having sex with--
[woman] Excuse me.
Is this yours?
Yep. Thank you. Just--
[Matt] Yep, there we go.
[Lauren] Ow!
[Matt] She's not
a people person.
No.
I guess it's because
we were in the shower.
It means it just sort of washed
away all the natural juices--
Please don't say
natural juices.
The organic lubrication--
When, when did you arrange this
date with banjo boy anyway?
Because it wasn't
on the spreadsheet
Just a last minute thing.
Well thank God
you didn't kill him,
because that'd be a
whole different tab.
Okay, you have been
grumpy all morning,
what is wrong?
No I haven't.
-Yes, you have.
-No I haven't.
-Yes, you have.
-I haven't.
Please stop being
a child. Honestly.
I've got two quite
annoying ones at home.
What's wrong.
Okay, fine.
You missed my
netball semi-finals.
[Lauren exclaims]
It's fine. It's fine.
I get it. I get it.
You're too busy snapping banjo
strings to bother supporting me
on the most important night
of my life this year.
That's fine, I understand it.
I really apologise.
I mean, it was in your
diary and everything.
Didn't you get the
little calendar bings?
Is that what they were.
Yeah!
Oh, I was probably lying
in a pool of someone's
frenulum blood.
Anyway, did you win?
Maybe.
-That's amazing.
-You're off the hook.
I'll cook you
dinner to celebrate.
-Please don't, you can't cook.
-Yes I will.
Just because I don't cook
doesn't mean I can't.
Well it kinda does so, no.
I'll do a recipe.
A really special vegan--
I'm not vegan.
Not vegan recipe, from steak.
[lift dings]
Sorry, what's that?
Is that semen?
No! It's not semen,
it's toothpaste.
Thanks.
Oh, hello?
Hi.
It's just Bob,
being a bit of a dick.
Ahh.
It's our anniversary.
Oh, happy anniversary.
Thanks. He forgot.
I mean I'm, I'm still
sort of attractive aren't I?.
Yes you are.
So you don't think my
eyebrows are too thin?
Uh, no way.
It's just, I look around
at everyone, well you,
and they're saying that
they're living their best life,
and sometimes I just
really hate you.
Okay.
And sometimes I feel
sorry for you,
but I also really envy you.
Maybe I should leave him.
Well you know,
in the olden days,
women couldn't leave a marriage
just because they were unhappy.
But now they can Ange, you
know?
So you think
I should leave him?
No, I, well,
I don't know.
I mean, are you happy?
Well...
I just feel
totally invisible.
Do you really think I'm,
I'm attractive?
You are beautiful Ange.
And Bob, Bob's got a
bit of a gunt Ange.
What's a gunt?
Sorry, I properly
shouldn't have said that.
[Ange] Yes.
[upbeat music]
Yeah, so if we move
Marcus Sexy Moustache,
then we can have dinner
at mine tonight.
Sounds good. Yeah I'm in.
[Lauren gasps and sighs]
-Simon?
-Yep.
What are you doing
at Alex's desk?
Oh, we're hot desking now.
So that's exciting.
Yes.
Yeah it's good for me. I get to
try a lot of different chairs.
Alex?
Hello!
Yeah, I'll bring
the fondue set.
Okay. So dinner tonight
at mine. 7 o'clock.
Oh, right. Okay, great.
God, we're really going
through with this?
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay well, if we do this,
let's do it properly.
-Yep.
-No takeaway.
No, absolutely not.
I want proper napkins.
Okay yeah,
dinner party's my middle name.
I thought it was Feral.
It's Ferahl actually.
-Ferahl!
-Ferahl!
I just noticed you've
cricked your neck,
so I thought I'd give you
this to ease the pain,
if you're interested.
That's really kind.
Thank you.
[Simon] Make sure
it's rubbed in.
-Thanks.
-Pleasure.
Sorry.
[Simon] In your own time.
[upbeat music]
[Abby] You look really
beautiful today.
Oh, thank you.
You have nice makeup on
and your hair,
it's very clean.
Okay, what do you want?
I need you to buy me an amp.
What?
For my electric guitar.
Well you don't
play the guitar.
-I've just started.
-No way Abby,
not another instrument.
It's like you enjoy being
the worst mum in the world.
Yes darling I try
my absolute hardest.
I don't know what
Abby's talking about.
Thank you darling.
You don't look beautiful
at all today.
[Lola] Come on, let's go.
[Lauren] Girls, careful. Ow!
Hey! Well, if it isn't
our little shredder.
What did you call me?
No, the--
[Jake] She told me
about the guitar,
so I asked Matty,
see if he had any gear.
Wow! What do you say Abby?
Thanks Matt.
All good.
Just happy it's finally
going to see some action.
Shred hard.
Oh, I'd say thank you to,
but I know that's going to
drive me completely bonkers.
It absolutely will.
Could you have it
at your place?
Yeah, nah. No space,
and the neighbours
are funny about noise.
Yeah. Mine though,
love noise.
Ah, sweet as!
How's the neck?
Yeah, it's all right.
It's getting better though.
What's wrong with your neck?
Oh, I just cricked it.
What? You slept funny on it?
Mh-hm.
You slipped over didn't you?
I couldn't do it.
Do what?
Breathe out my bum.
Okay.
Wow.
You ripped a what?
A frenulum.
The banjo string.
Jesus Christ!
It means
'little rein' in Latin.
It's on the penis.
Fucking hell Loz
that's really,
that's actually,
it's quite awful.
Yes well it was an accident.
I didn't do it
on purpose did I.
Didn't pull it off with my bare
hands and I cricked my neck
too.
So take that as a warning,
against shower sex.
I don't think Dave and I
would even fit in the
shower at the same time.
Who's frenulum was it anyway?
Chase's.
-Chase?
-Yeah.
That's a verb,
not a name.
Yeah.
Oh my god!
Oh Lauren, do you have to
do that while I'm eating?
Do what?
Ah, stop it. Lauren ooh.
[Helena coughs] Stop it!
[guitar strums loudly]
Why did we have children?
[Helena] Because
we are masochists.
Hang on. Abby,
that's too loud.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, too loud, too loud.
Mum, I'll never get Hendrix
good if I don't practice.
Now you can practice
in glorious silence.
There.
You know, most parents
would be worried
about irreversible
hearing loss.
Hmm. Oh.
[low guitar sound]
You know what,
apart from the admittedly
weird Christmas napkins,
this is um, this is
actually very impressive.
Yes, but they are cloth.
Yes I noticed.
Um, are we, is, is this
chicken? Are we eating Angus?
-No, it's duck.
-Okay, good.
[Jake shouting] Loz! You in?
Just dropping off
some um, hello!
Ah, g'day Alex.
-Hello.
-Hi.
I just thought
I'd drop these off
because we haven't
got space at our place.
[Nancy] Yeah, we got an
amazing deal at the wholesaler.
My brother-in-law's a member
and seeing as the girls
go through so much I thought--
They use like two rolls
a day between them.
Yeah.
Can I get you a wine?
Some duck?
This looks impressive.
Is that l'orange?
No, just stuffed.
[Jake] I found this guy.
Hello? Hello.
I couldn't find the tongs.
Oh Jesus, just be
careful with this.
It's a vintage set
from Sweden.
Simon! Why?
Because it's their
national dish.
Right.
This is turning into
quite the dinner party.
Jakey, look at the duck.
[Jake] I know,
it looks delicious.
Duck?
I didn't know
you'd be making duck.
I would've made
my boiled cabbage.
Damn it! Um, that's okay.
Would you like some?
I was wondering,
do you think I should try
and get banjo boy
something to say sorry?
I mean, I'm not sure
Hallmark make a
'hope you dick heals soon'
card or they should.
Oh yes, I was just about to,
oh it's pretty valuable,
so I better...
[Lauren] We were going
to bring it in.
Oh, well it needs a good
polish now after all that.
But uh, just formally, thank
you for a beautiful evening.
Uh, I will see you anon. Ciao.
Ciao.
[Alex winces]
You okay?
Yeah, Lauren hey um,
there wasn't any mushrooms--
Oh bollocks!
Lauren no!
The stuffing.
It was pre-made. I didn't...
..I forgot to take--
You forgot my very specific
and much discussed allergy?
Who's allergic to mushrooms?
I fucking am.
You are.
It's fine. We just need
to use your toilet stat.
I've got loads of
toilet roll anyway so...
Oh god. I've locked...
Please Lauren!
Lola!? Abby, Abby!?
Oh God!
Abby! It's quite
urgent is it yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, just a bit.
Abby? Darling?
Abby darling.
Abby!
Abby darling hi. Can you
come and open the front door.
Ah! Wow!
Lauren, lauren, Lauren,
we have about 30 seconds
before I take a giant watery
shit in your brand new agave.
Hi, we desperately need
to use your toilet.
[Matt] Oh sure.
Sorry, I wouldn't normally be
so rude, but I've been
poisoned.
Poisoned?
[Alex screaming]
Where the fuck is it?
Just first left.
I'm a paramedic,
I should check he's not dying.
-He's had mushrooms.
-Mushrooms?
He's allergic.
[Alex groaning in pain]
[high energy music]
Peppermint? How you feeling?
Ginger! How do think I feel
after shitting in your friend,
slash, occasional shag,
slash client's hallway,
slash, ensuite,
for two and a half
hours last night?
I'm sorry. I won't
cook you mushroom again.
And?
I'm a terrible friend.
And?
I'm a terrible cook.
And?
-Told you so?
-Yes, precisely.
Please don't be cross with me
anymore. I don't like it.
You can make it up to me
by being my date tonight
to this new wine bar.
Okay.
Yeah, Rhys was supposed to
come but he's away for work.
They've got this '98 Chateau
Mornag from Tunisia...
[Alex] Hi Ange, looking good.
God! Good! Looking good.
Wow!
It's the new me,
taking control.
Good.
[Simon] Hi gang.
I'm just going to pop out
and get some boob juice--
Boost!
Boost Juice!
Ah, do you guys want one?
Love a mango?
Just the one?
[upbeat music]
Abby? Have you lost
your guitar, already?
[Abby] No! I quit.
What! Why?
[phone ringing]
Ah, hello Eric.
Hi Abby's mum.
Is Abby there?
Yes, just a minute.
Abby! It's Eric.
[Abby] I can't speak to him.
Why not?
Because I didn't get in Eric's
rock band. I'm not cool enough.
[Eric on phone] Hello? Abby?
-She's doing a poo.
-She's not.
A poo!?
Hi.
Hey Abby, so we decided we do
want you to be in the band.
But can you play a viola?
Viola?
Yeah, it'll be like
Velvet Underground meets
early Smashing Pumpkins.
That'd be so cool.
Oh, okay, sure.
[Eric] Awesome!
Okay see you tomorrow.
You see, you didn't have
to play the guitar at all.
Well, I thought
if I played a cool instrument
it would be better.
Yeah, but you were already
cool.
-Please don't say cool.
-Why not?
[Jamaican accent] You're cool.
I'm cool. Everybody's cool.
I'm going.
[Lola] You're not cool.
I am cool.
Why am I not cool?
Because nobody has ever said,
"you are cool."
Have they? Ever!
No.
Right. Let's go to Dad's.
[upbeat music]
[knocking on door]
Oh, Ange.
[Ange laughing]
I left him.
Oh! Okay.
Yeah, I took your advice.
I called him a gunt and...
Oh wow. That's good?
Are you happy?
I'm amazing. Fine!
It's fine! It's fine.
You know, I though, it's time
that I grabbed life by the...
..balls!
You know, by the horns
and have some fun.
-Have some fun.
-Have some fun.
-Your house!
-Oh yes, thank you.
-A home.
-Oh, thank you.
I'm actually on my way out.
Oh we're going out?
We're heading out for some fun.
-Let's go! You ready?
-Let's go, yeah.
We're heading out people.
Oh!
[upbeat music]
[Ange slurring her words] Oh
I should do up my own shoe,
I'll fix it.
Angela!
What a lovely surprise.
She left Bob.
Oh.
I just have to fix my shoe.
Oh, I'll take that.
No, no.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
-Alex?
-Yes.
We're getting pissed.
Yeah, it looks like you've had
a little bit of a
head start on us there Ange.
Men are horrible.
Yes, we are aren't we?
Okay. Let's go.
Yeah, okay.
It's a wine bar so lets--
Just leave it. Let her have it.
Let her have it!
Let's get shots.
What are those ones
you set fire to?
[Alex] I have a booking.
Alex Ryan.
It's for two but I was
wondering if we could change it
to three?
Hmm. Doubt it.
It'll see what I can do.
-What time was your booking?
-Seven.
Hmm, oh we've given
your table away.
Hmm, sorry?
Well, you've been
marked as a no-show.
And yet, here we are.
Yes, twenty minutes late.
Thirteen minutes.
We can put you on
the waiting list
in case there's another
no-show, but it's highly
unlikely.
People tend to make their
reservations here, on time.
This is appalling.
It's life.
No, he booked and you said
that you'd hold a table.
[Lauren] It's all right Ange.
No! He is ethically, and
morally bound to uphold that
promise!
She's, she's very excited.
She read that article.
We're only a
teeny tiny bit late.
Yes, twenty minutes
isn't teeny tiny.
[Alex] Thirteen.
-[Ange] Does it matter?
-[Lauren] Oh no.
You can't just say that
you're going to do something
and then not do it.
You have to deliver
on your promises.
Are you listening to me?
[Ange hits desk] You have to
freaking well deliver, okay?
[Alex] Okay, yep we're going.
We are off. Thank you.
Bye!
[Alex] Ah, just this way.
[Lauren] Shall we get a bottle?
Do an Ange.
It's not quite
the inclusive Instagrammable
experience I was after.
That guy was a total pillock.
Total pillock.
Oh no.
I'm really sorry for making you
shit yourself at Matt's house.
And I'm sorry I missed
your netball match.
I promise I'll
make your finals.
You better.
-If you remind me.
-Obviously.
I swear to God I'll be there.
You don't believe in God--
Does that mean we should do
something about--
Oh Ange, I'm not sure
that's a great idea.
No, no, it's okay.
I've actually got the
thighs of a Clydesdale.
I just need someone to ride me.
Should we--
Just don't look.
[sound of Ange urinating]
[Ange struggling]
[Ange falling into water]
[Ange gasping]
You know, when you swallow too
much water you can dry drown.
-Really?
-Yes.
Yeah. It's a very
real concern.
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, it may have
just been a second,
but I definitely chocked.
Yep, better to be safe--
No one wants you to dry drown.
Hm-mm.
I hate my new eyebrows.
They're great.
Alex, can I please burrow
your phone 'cause this one,
I can't make it work.
Um, yeah, sure.
I should probably call Bob.
[laughs] It's the only number
I actually know off by heart.
That's so depressing.
I think, fluids.
I think I need fluids.
I'll get you some fluids.
You, sit.
[phone ringing]
Bob!
I think you have to come and
pick me up from the hospital.
Well I don't think
I can wait 45 minutes.
What are you watching?
Oh god!
Ah! Well it's nice
to see you too.
Sorry. I just didn't
expect to bump into you,
well here in a hospital.
-I'm a paramedic.
-Paramedic.
Comes with the territory.
Ah, what are you doing here?
My boss got drunk
and fell into a river
whilst trying to urinate.
Just an average night then.
Yeah, standard for me,
absolutely.
Yeah.
[Alex] Oh okay.
Oh!
-Hey
-Paramedic, right.
Bob's on his way
and I told her we'd forget
all about it by Monday.
Okay.
Will we though?
Well maybe she'll
make you partner
out of sheer
embarrassment.
Yeah!
Can I give you guys
a ride, or...
[Alex] This is great,
this is great.
[Matt] So Alex how's the tummy?
Ah, thank you for remembering.
Relax mate, I see people
shit themselves all the time.
Do you?
-Nah.
-Oh.
How's the macrame going?
Macrame? Good.
Ah, bad.
Oh, maybe stick to
the bacteria milk thing.
I ordered all this
stuff online from Russia,
but all the directions
are in Slavic or Baltic.
Oh god, the smell of river.
Sorry, this week has been
such a bloody mess.
[Alex coughs] Quite literally.
You're a mess. In a good way.
You wear it well.
Oh right, thank you.
I'm pleased I wear it well.
That's what I've been going
for.
You're killing it.
Yeah Matt, um, I wondered.
Can I ask you another favour?
Sorry, this may be a
bit inappropriate but...
Now?
I kind of owe Alex.
[ambulance siren blares]
[Alex] I love sirens!
[siren continues]
[Alex laughing]
[gentle banjo music]
[banjo string snaps]
[both moaning]
[moaning continues]
[man screams in pain]
[man] Oh god!
[man continues moaning in pain]
What's happening?
[Lauren exclaims]
[man sobbing]
Oh no!
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
[woman] Tea, Ma'am?
Oh, thank you very much.
I appreciate it, thank you.
-I'm a lawyer.
-Hm.
Sorry, I don't know
why I said that.
[knock on door
and door opens]
[man groaning
in pain]
Ah, hey.
Matt?
Lauren?
Ah, you're a paramedic.
Yeah, still am.
What's happened here then?
I'm just have to have
a little look, all right?
[Man sighs] Yeah.
Just relax.
[both] Ow!
The old banjo string snapped
right through there.
[Lauren and man] The what?
Frenulum.
Yeah, bit of skin that connects
the foreskin to the shaft.
The fucking what?
Yeah. There we go.
Have a suck on that.
Let's get him going and
get him into the hospital.
[Matt] You'll be right.
We'll get you into hospital.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
There we go. There we go.
There we go.
She's a bit loose is she?
Hanging by a thread,
and you're all right?
Yes! I'll come.
[man] Am I going to die?
Nah, you lost a
lot of blood though.
Must have been at full
mast when it happened.
[Matt] You, uh,
getting in or...
Getting into the ambulance?
Yeah, I am.
[man] I've never been in
an ambulance before. Lauren!
Yeah.
Lauren, are you there?
The light...
Yes! No! That's just, that's
just the ambulance light.
You're fine.
You're going to be all right.
Chase.
What?
-His name, is Chase.
-Yes.
Yeah, no. I knew that.
You're going to be okay Chase.
[woman] Sorry Miss, Mrs, Madam,
but we have to
charge you for the robe.
Oh, well both the robes.
Yeah okay.
They're $199 each.
For a terry towelling robe?
[man screams in pain]
Put it on my card.
[upbeat music]
He'll be okay though, right?
Won't get a boner for weeks.
But he'll live.
If you can call that living.
Oh god!
What's with the...
Yes. I think I slipped
when it happened.
Right.
Must have pulled
a muscle or something.
Shall we take a look.
Make sure we haven't
done any serious damage.
That hurt?
[Lauren screams in pain]
-Yes.
-Okay.
All right. Well your
mobility's a bit restricted,
but I think it's just strained.
Seriously Loz,
you and your sex
related mishaps?
No, I'm really sorry
about the--
Chlamydia is the word.
Yeah, but I mean, it's quite
common and koalas have it.
If they hang around with
you long enough they do.
-Yeah great.
-Absolutely.
It is a numbers game though,
isn't it?
Oh, hang on Matt.
It's not like I'm out
every night having sex with--
[woman] Excuse me.
Is this yours?
Yep. Thank you. Just--
[Matt] Yep, there we go.
[Lauren] Ow!
[Matt] She's not
a people person.
No.
I guess it's because
we were in the shower.
It means it just sort of washed
away all the natural juices--
Please don't say
natural juices.
The organic lubrication--
When, when did you arrange this
date with banjo boy anyway?
Because it wasn't
on the spreadsheet
Just a last minute thing.
Well thank God
you didn't kill him,
because that'd be a
whole different tab.
Okay, you have been
grumpy all morning,
what is wrong?
No I haven't.
-Yes, you have.
-No I haven't.
-Yes, you have.
-I haven't.
Please stop being
a child. Honestly.
I've got two quite
annoying ones at home.
What's wrong.
Okay, fine.
You missed my
netball semi-finals.
[Lauren exclaims]
It's fine. It's fine.
I get it. I get it.
You're too busy snapping banjo
strings to bother supporting me
on the most important night
of my life this year.
That's fine, I understand it.
I really apologise.
I mean, it was in your
diary and everything.
Didn't you get the
little calendar bings?
Is that what they were.
Yeah!
Oh, I was probably lying
in a pool of someone's
frenulum blood.
Anyway, did you win?
Maybe.
-That's amazing.
-You're off the hook.
I'll cook you
dinner to celebrate.
-Please don't, you can't cook.
-Yes I will.
Just because I don't cook
doesn't mean I can't.
Well it kinda does so, no.
I'll do a recipe.
A really special vegan--
I'm not vegan.
Not vegan recipe, from steak.
[lift dings]
Sorry, what's that?
Is that semen?
No! It's not semen,
it's toothpaste.
Thanks.
Oh, hello?
Hi.
It's just Bob,
being a bit of a dick.
Ahh.
It's our anniversary.
Oh, happy anniversary.
Thanks. He forgot.
I mean I'm, I'm still
sort of attractive aren't I?.
Yes you are.
So you don't think my
eyebrows are too thin?
Uh, no way.
It's just, I look around
at everyone, well you,
and they're saying that
they're living their best life,
and sometimes I just
really hate you.
Okay.
And sometimes I feel
sorry for you,
but I also really envy you.
Maybe I should leave him.
Well you know,
in the olden days,
women couldn't leave a marriage
just because they were unhappy.
But now they can Ange, you
know?
So you think
I should leave him?
No, I, well,
I don't know.
I mean, are you happy?
Well...
I just feel
totally invisible.
Do you really think I'm,
I'm attractive?
You are beautiful Ange.
And Bob, Bob's got a
bit of a gunt Ange.
What's a gunt?
Sorry, I properly
shouldn't have said that.
[Ange] Yes.
[upbeat music]
Yeah, so if we move
Marcus Sexy Moustache,
then we can have dinner
at mine tonight.
Sounds good. Yeah I'm in.
[Lauren gasps and sighs]
-Simon?
-Yep.
What are you doing
at Alex's desk?
Oh, we're hot desking now.
So that's exciting.
Yes.
Yeah it's good for me. I get to
try a lot of different chairs.
Alex?
Hello!
Yeah, I'll bring
the fondue set.
Okay. So dinner tonight
at mine. 7 o'clock.
Oh, right. Okay, great.
God, we're really going
through with this?
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay well, if we do this,
let's do it properly.
-Yep.
-No takeaway.
No, absolutely not.
I want proper napkins.
Okay yeah,
dinner party's my middle name.
I thought it was Feral.
It's Ferahl actually.
-Ferahl!
-Ferahl!
I just noticed you've
cricked your neck,
so I thought I'd give you
this to ease the pain,
if you're interested.
That's really kind.
Thank you.
[Simon] Make sure
it's rubbed in.
-Thanks.
-Pleasure.
Sorry.
[Simon] In your own time.
[upbeat music]
[Abby] You look really
beautiful today.
Oh, thank you.
You have nice makeup on
and your hair,
it's very clean.
Okay, what do you want?
I need you to buy me an amp.
What?
For my electric guitar.
Well you don't
play the guitar.
-I've just started.
-No way Abby,
not another instrument.
It's like you enjoy being
the worst mum in the world.
Yes darling I try
my absolute hardest.
I don't know what
Abby's talking about.
Thank you darling.
You don't look beautiful
at all today.
[Lola] Come on, let's go.
[Lauren] Girls, careful. Ow!
Hey! Well, if it isn't
our little shredder.
What did you call me?
No, the--
[Jake] She told me
about the guitar,
so I asked Matty,
see if he had any gear.
Wow! What do you say Abby?
Thanks Matt.
All good.
Just happy it's finally
going to see some action.
Shred hard.
Oh, I'd say thank you to,
but I know that's going to
drive me completely bonkers.
It absolutely will.
Could you have it
at your place?
Yeah, nah. No space,
and the neighbours
are funny about noise.
Yeah. Mine though,
love noise.
Ah, sweet as!
How's the neck?
Yeah, it's all right.
It's getting better though.
What's wrong with your neck?
Oh, I just cricked it.
What? You slept funny on it?
Mh-hm.
You slipped over didn't you?
I couldn't do it.
Do what?
Breathe out my bum.
Okay.
Wow.
You ripped a what?
A frenulum.
The banjo string.
Jesus Christ!
It means
'little rein' in Latin.
It's on the penis.
Fucking hell Loz
that's really,
that's actually,
it's quite awful.
Yes well it was an accident.
I didn't do it
on purpose did I.
Didn't pull it off with my bare
hands and I cricked my neck
too.
So take that as a warning,
against shower sex.
I don't think Dave and I
would even fit in the
shower at the same time.
Who's frenulum was it anyway?
Chase's.
-Chase?
-Yeah.
That's a verb,
not a name.
Yeah.
Oh my god!
Oh Lauren, do you have to
do that while I'm eating?
Do what?
Ah, stop it. Lauren ooh.
[Helena coughs] Stop it!
[guitar strums loudly]
Why did we have children?
[Helena] Because
we are masochists.
Hang on. Abby,
that's too loud.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry, too loud, too loud.
Mum, I'll never get Hendrix
good if I don't practice.
Now you can practice
in glorious silence.
There.
You know, most parents
would be worried
about irreversible
hearing loss.
Hmm. Oh.
[low guitar sound]
You know what,
apart from the admittedly
weird Christmas napkins,
this is um, this is
actually very impressive.
Yes, but they are cloth.
Yes I noticed.
Um, are we, is, is this
chicken? Are we eating Angus?
-No, it's duck.
-Okay, good.
[Jake shouting] Loz! You in?
Just dropping off
some um, hello!
Ah, g'day Alex.
-Hello.
-Hi.
I just thought
I'd drop these off
because we haven't
got space at our place.
[Nancy] Yeah, we got an
amazing deal at the wholesaler.
My brother-in-law's a member
and seeing as the girls
go through so much I thought--
They use like two rolls
a day between them.
Yeah.
Can I get you a wine?
Some duck?
This looks impressive.
Is that l'orange?
No, just stuffed.
[Jake] I found this guy.
Hello? Hello.
I couldn't find the tongs.
Oh Jesus, just be
careful with this.
It's a vintage set
from Sweden.
Simon! Why?
Because it's their
national dish.
Right.
This is turning into
quite the dinner party.
Jakey, look at the duck.
[Jake] I know,
it looks delicious.
Duck?
I didn't know
you'd be making duck.
I would've made
my boiled cabbage.
Damn it! Um, that's okay.
Would you like some?
I was wondering,
do you think I should try
and get banjo boy
something to say sorry?
I mean, I'm not sure
Hallmark make a
'hope you dick heals soon'
card or they should.
Oh yes, I was just about to,
oh it's pretty valuable,
so I better...
[Lauren] We were going
to bring it in.
Oh, well it needs a good
polish now after all that.
But uh, just formally, thank
you for a beautiful evening.
Uh, I will see you anon. Ciao.
Ciao.
[Alex winces]
You okay?
Yeah, Lauren hey um,
there wasn't any mushrooms--
Oh bollocks!
Lauren no!
The stuffing.
It was pre-made. I didn't...
..I forgot to take--
You forgot my very specific
and much discussed allergy?
Who's allergic to mushrooms?
I fucking am.
You are.
It's fine. We just need
to use your toilet stat.
I've got loads of
toilet roll anyway so...
Oh god. I've locked...
Please Lauren!
Lola!? Abby, Abby!?
Oh God!
Abby! It's quite
urgent is it yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, just a bit.
Abby? Darling?
Abby darling.
Abby!
Abby darling hi. Can you
come and open the front door.
Ah! Wow!
Lauren, lauren, Lauren,
we have about 30 seconds
before I take a giant watery
shit in your brand new agave.
Hi, we desperately need
to use your toilet.
[Matt] Oh sure.
Sorry, I wouldn't normally be
so rude, but I've been
poisoned.
Poisoned?
[Alex screaming]
Where the fuck is it?
Just first left.
I'm a paramedic,
I should check he's not dying.
-He's had mushrooms.
-Mushrooms?
He's allergic.
[Alex groaning in pain]
[high energy music]
Peppermint? How you feeling?
Ginger! How do think I feel
after shitting in your friend,
slash, occasional shag,
slash client's hallway,
slash, ensuite,
for two and a half
hours last night?
I'm sorry. I won't
cook you mushroom again.
And?
I'm a terrible friend.
And?
I'm a terrible cook.
And?
-Told you so?
-Yes, precisely.
Please don't be cross with me
anymore. I don't like it.
You can make it up to me
by being my date tonight
to this new wine bar.
Okay.
Yeah, Rhys was supposed to
come but he's away for work.
They've got this '98 Chateau
Mornag from Tunisia...
[Alex] Hi Ange, looking good.
God! Good! Looking good.
Wow!
It's the new me,
taking control.
Good.
[Simon] Hi gang.
I'm just going to pop out
and get some boob juice--
Boost!
Boost Juice!
Ah, do you guys want one?
Love a mango?
Just the one?
[upbeat music]
Abby? Have you lost
your guitar, already?
[Abby] No! I quit.
What! Why?
[phone ringing]
Ah, hello Eric.
Hi Abby's mum.
Is Abby there?
Yes, just a minute.
Abby! It's Eric.
[Abby] I can't speak to him.
Why not?
Because I didn't get in Eric's
rock band. I'm not cool enough.
[Eric on phone] Hello? Abby?
-She's doing a poo.
-She's not.
A poo!?
Hi.
Hey Abby, so we decided we do
want you to be in the band.
But can you play a viola?
Viola?
Yeah, it'll be like
Velvet Underground meets
early Smashing Pumpkins.
That'd be so cool.
Oh, okay, sure.
[Eric] Awesome!
Okay see you tomorrow.
You see, you didn't have
to play the guitar at all.
Well, I thought
if I played a cool instrument
it would be better.
Yeah, but you were already
cool.
-Please don't say cool.
-Why not?
[Jamaican accent] You're cool.
I'm cool. Everybody's cool.
I'm going.
[Lola] You're not cool.
I am cool.
Why am I not cool?
Because nobody has ever said,
"you are cool."
Have they? Ever!
No.
Right. Let's go to Dad's.
[upbeat music]
[knocking on door]
Oh, Ange.
[Ange laughing]
I left him.
Oh! Okay.
Yeah, I took your advice.
I called him a gunt and...
Oh wow. That's good?
Are you happy?
I'm amazing. Fine!
It's fine! It's fine.
You know, I though, it's time
that I grabbed life by the...
..balls!
You know, by the horns
and have some fun.
-Have some fun.
-Have some fun.
-Your house!
-Oh yes, thank you.
-A home.
-Oh, thank you.
I'm actually on my way out.
Oh we're going out?
We're heading out for some fun.
-Let's go! You ready?
-Let's go, yeah.
We're heading out people.
Oh!
[upbeat music]
[Ange slurring her words] Oh
I should do up my own shoe,
I'll fix it.
Angela!
What a lovely surprise.
She left Bob.
Oh.
I just have to fix my shoe.
Oh, I'll take that.
No, no.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
-Alex?
-Yes.
We're getting pissed.
Yeah, it looks like you've had
a little bit of a
head start on us there Ange.
Men are horrible.
Yes, we are aren't we?
Okay. Let's go.
Yeah, okay.
It's a wine bar so lets--
Just leave it. Let her have it.
Let her have it!
Let's get shots.
What are those ones
you set fire to?
[Alex] I have a booking.
Alex Ryan.
It's for two but I was
wondering if we could change it
to three?
Hmm. Doubt it.
It'll see what I can do.
-What time was your booking?
-Seven.
Hmm, oh we've given
your table away.
Hmm, sorry?
Well, you've been
marked as a no-show.
And yet, here we are.
Yes, twenty minutes late.
Thirteen minutes.
We can put you on
the waiting list
in case there's another
no-show, but it's highly
unlikely.
People tend to make their
reservations here, on time.
This is appalling.
It's life.
No, he booked and you said
that you'd hold a table.
[Lauren] It's all right Ange.
No! He is ethically, and
morally bound to uphold that
promise!
She's, she's very excited.
She read that article.
We're only a
teeny tiny bit late.
Yes, twenty minutes
isn't teeny tiny.
[Alex] Thirteen.
-[Ange] Does it matter?
-[Lauren] Oh no.
You can't just say that
you're going to do something
and then not do it.
You have to deliver
on your promises.
Are you listening to me?
[Ange hits desk] You have to
freaking well deliver, okay?
[Alex] Okay, yep we're going.
We are off. Thank you.
Bye!
[Alex] Ah, just this way.
[Lauren] Shall we get a bottle?
Do an Ange.
It's not quite
the inclusive Instagrammable
experience I was after.
That guy was a total pillock.
Total pillock.
Oh no.
I'm really sorry for making you
shit yourself at Matt's house.
And I'm sorry I missed
your netball match.
I promise I'll
make your finals.
You better.
-If you remind me.
-Obviously.
I swear to God I'll be there.
You don't believe in God--
Does that mean we should do
something about--
Oh Ange, I'm not sure
that's a great idea.
No, no, it's okay.
I've actually got the
thighs of a Clydesdale.
I just need someone to ride me.
Should we--
Just don't look.
[sound of Ange urinating]
[Ange struggling]
[Ange falling into water]
[Ange gasping]
You know, when you swallow too
much water you can dry drown.
-Really?
-Yes.
Yeah. It's a very
real concern.
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean, it may have
just been a second,
but I definitely chocked.
Yep, better to be safe--
No one wants you to dry drown.
Hm-mm.
I hate my new eyebrows.
They're great.
Alex, can I please burrow
your phone 'cause this one,
I can't make it work.
Um, yeah, sure.
I should probably call Bob.
[laughs] It's the only number
I actually know off by heart.
That's so depressing.
I think, fluids.
I think I need fluids.
I'll get you some fluids.
You, sit.
[phone ringing]
Bob!
I think you have to come and
pick me up from the hospital.
Well I don't think
I can wait 45 minutes.
What are you watching?
Oh god!
Ah! Well it's nice
to see you too.
Sorry. I just didn't
expect to bump into you,
well here in a hospital.
-I'm a paramedic.
-Paramedic.
Comes with the territory.
Ah, what are you doing here?
My boss got drunk
and fell into a river
whilst trying to urinate.
Just an average night then.
Yeah, standard for me,
absolutely.
Yeah.
[Alex] Oh okay.
Oh!
-Hey
-Paramedic, right.
Bob's on his way
and I told her we'd forget
all about it by Monday.
Okay.
Will we though?
Well maybe she'll
make you partner
out of sheer
embarrassment.
Yeah!
Can I give you guys
a ride, or...
[Alex] This is great,
this is great.
[Matt] So Alex how's the tummy?
Ah, thank you for remembering.
Relax mate, I see people
shit themselves all the time.
Do you?
-Nah.
-Oh.
How's the macrame going?
Macrame? Good.
Ah, bad.
Oh, maybe stick to
the bacteria milk thing.
I ordered all this
stuff online from Russia,
but all the directions
are in Slavic or Baltic.
Oh god, the smell of river.
Sorry, this week has been
such a bloody mess.
[Alex coughs] Quite literally.
You're a mess. In a good way.
You wear it well.
Oh right, thank you.
I'm pleased I wear it well.
That's what I've been going
for.
You're killing it.
Yeah Matt, um, I wondered.
Can I ask you another favour?
Sorry, this may be a
bit inappropriate but...
Now?
I kind of owe Alex.
[ambulance siren blares]
[Alex] I love sirens!
[siren continues]
[Alex laughing]
[gentle banjo music]
[banjo string snaps]