Spreadsheet (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
[street sounds]
[Lauren] Ah, that's it!
Ah, Ahhh!
Ohhh!
Oh yeah!
Oh yes!
Oh don't stop.
Oh I said "Don't stop".
-[man] Oh yeah.
-[Lauren] Thank you.
-[Lauren] You okay?
-[man] Yeah, yeah.
[Lauren] Okay, good then.
[Lauren moans]
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
[door slams open]
[Lauren] No, no,
stop, stop, stop.
Stop!
[man] I thought
you said don't stop.
There's people coming.
[Lauren] Oh, ah...
Should we move this
back to my place?
Why? What for?
To finish what we started.
Oh, I'm good, thank you.
What? Um, what about me?
Oh, thank you so much Jason.
Nice to meet you. Take care.
It's Andy.
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
Bit of al fresco dining.
Yeah, bloody freezing.
Hmm, I mean it is winter.
We do have winter in Australia.
The wind chill was quite
numbing down below.
Right! Lovely. Thank you.
And it was Andy right?
Andy was it? No, no, no.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
8pm, Palais Theatre.
That's what it says in the
spreadsheet, and in the diary.
You sure it was Andy?
Yep, here we go. Andy 32.
Finance manager.
-Hmm.
-What he look like?
-Tall.
-Right.
-Well it was quite dark.
-Show me on his profile.
Um, there it is.
-Oh yeah, Andy, Andy.
-Couldn't be clearer A-N-D-Y.
-Andy.
-Yes.
Yeah well I was rushing
because Jake was late
picking up the kids.
Jake was late?
Or you were late?
I should double check their
names though, you are right.
You know what, let's add
photos to the spreadsheet.
Yes!
Like a little hyperlink...
A little photo, hyperlink?
Yeah, tech stuff.
Okay. So is he
worth a repeat?
Maybe.
Marks out of ten?
Six and a half,
maybe seven for effort.
That's more of a 'yes'
than a 'maybe'?
Maybe. Do we have
a 'maybe' tab?
I will add one.
Okie dokie,
now we got to file the
paperwork for the Morgan case,
and we've got a 9am tomorrow
with Mr Griffin.
All right, and tonight?
Ah tonight it is Hayden, 33,
ex-rugby player.
Bar Margaux, 8pm.
Bar Margaux?
Are you going on a, um, a date?
Ah, well yeah, sort of.
Oh, so you and Jake are
definitely over?
Hmm.
-I'm so sorry.
-Don't be.
Gee whiz you're brave.
Isn't she brave?
-Yes, very much so.
-Am I? Am I brave?
Yes. All those apps,
you know,
competing with girls half your
age and they've all got the...
..face and you know.
Well I don't think I'm
competing.
It must be so hard,
so hard, all that rejection.
There's actually not
that much rejection...
Well I say good for you,
looking for the one.
Well I'm not. Been there, tried
that. Gave me indigestion.
Well no, the next one.
-Yeah.
-Anyone.
[laughs] Anyone.
-As long as you're happy.
-I am, yeah.
-Hmm.
-Yeah.
[upbeat music]
I've played professional
rugby for five years.
Wow, wow.
What position did you play?
Blind-side winger.
Gosh, that's lovely.
Yeah, so I left London,
my contract ended
and then I came back here
and I had a bit of downtime
and I started teaching the
kids.
Oh.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
P.E.
-Oh, P.E.
-Yeah.
-Uh, Hayden?
-Yeah.
I don't care.
[upbeat music]
[kissing]
[upbeat music]
[kissing]
[Lauren moaning]
Well, that was the best
first time I've ever had.
Yeah, it was very nice.
Look I don't have to
rush off if you want to.
Sorry, I've got an early start.
Ah, another time.
When are you free?
Well, I'll just check my
spreadsheet, um...
I'll get back to you.
No worries.
-Give me a buzz.
-I will.
[uplifting music]
Over to you now, Lauren.
Okay, so we settled out of
court in the Cameron case
which I think was a good
result.
And in other news, Alex and I
landed a lucrative new client
this week, Mr. Hilton.
In fact, Alex was instrumental
in bringing him in,
so congratulations, Alex.
[phone ringing]
I'm sorry, I'm going to have
to get this, it's the school.
Please.
Well done.
Thank you.
Lauren Davis, everything okay?
Yeah, I'm actually at work,
do you mind calling her dad?
He's engaged, okay, yeah, put
her through.
Sorry, sorry.
Hey baby.
Yeah, no seriously, I'm...
Cook And Cook partners
at law, Simon speaking.
Okay, calm down, calm down,
now breathe.
Uh, hello, sorry to interrupt.
Lauren, your husband's
on the phone.
Oh yeah, ex-husband.
He just said it
was really urgent.
Okay, sorry, do you mind
if we put him through?
-No.
-I'm so sorry.
No, I don't have time,
I'm at work, okay?
[sings] Wash your hands,
wash your hands.
-Hello Jake.
-Jake, yes, it's daddy.
[Jake] Hello, Loz, Loz, hey,
I was just wondering if
you've seen my goggles?
No, no, I haven't
seen your goggles.
No we're not going
swimming darling.
[sings] Wash your hands,
wash your hands-
[Jake] The blue ones-
[Lauren hangs up phone]
Yeah, yeah,
she's going to wash her hands.
So Alex, do you want
to fill in the details?
[Alex] Yes, absolutely.
I think that's a great sign.
Jake's reaching out,
that's great.
[gentle music]
[bell ringing]
[phone beeps]
Oh, hello.
[camera clicking]
[window knocking]
-Hello.
-Hi, hello.
Just thought I'd warn you
against using your phone
when driving.
Oh, I wasn't actually using it.
It's a hefty fine
and the demerit points.
I'm not actually driving.
Well you were in a vehicle
with the engine running.
Oh!
It's Tuesday,
why are you here?
Oh, I thought you were.
Bye!
Lola, Abby, woo-hoo!
Daddy!
Oh my gosh, what is that?
Hey ah, didn't you say
you're in court?
-That is tomorrow.
-In mediation?
It is in the calendar.
[Jake] Yeah?
Guys, I borrowed a new book.
It's the, wait, what is it?
It's the Encyclopaedia of the
Roman Empire, wow Lola, that's-
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's with the avocados?
I got them on special, you
should grab some. The calendar?
The shared calendar, in the
phone, I don't need them.
Well, I mean,
the girls can have them.
No, it's really, no thank you,
oh God almighty.
I got 'em, I got 'em.
Oh, you want one?
Mind your head.
Okay.
Thank you.
Bye!
Bye Dad!
Bye darling!
Toodle-doo!
Hey Loz, can you keep an eye
out for my goggles, please?
-Bye!
-Okay.
Mum, I'm doing the opening song
at the Earth Aware
fair tomorrow.
Oh, that's right,
I'm in mediation,
but what time
does it start again?
Half three, everyone else's
mums will be there,
how come you never
come to things?
I said, I'll try.
You always say that.
Abbs, I'm in mediation,
it's not that simple.
Then ask for an adjournment.
[phone chimes]
Abs, can I have
my phone, please?
It's from 'Charlie Beard BDSM',
it's a photo message-
Don't open it!
Give me the phone,
give me the phone!
Please, thank you.
[Abby] What's BDSM anyway?
Absolutely nothing you
will ever need to know.
[police siren]
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Hey, good day!
So, you were using your
mobile while driving,
so that's a three
month suspension.
-Is it?
-Hmm.
-And this was an emergency
call? -Yes, yes it was.
Oh, well.
Well, I mean, it was a work,
a client sent me,
I'm a lawyer, so.
Ah, sorry, lawyers don't
have special powers.
No, of course, that wasn't
what I was trying to do.
-There's no dispensations.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
According to the law-
Sorry, can you take your
sunglasses off so I can see
you.
Hey, sure, sure, sure,
sorry I just-
Oh, no, wow.
Sorry, they're prescription,
I left my glasses at home.
[both laughing]
I'm always doing that.
So blurry, yeah.
Also, you, you pulled out
really erratically before.
Did I?
Yeah, you, you ran a stop sign.
Did it say stop?
Mum!
Yeah, it was like, she was,
the lollipop lady was holding
a big red stop sign.
Oh.
Yeah, if it was up to me.
Aw, thank you so much.
So it's not up to me,
what am I talking about?
My dash camera
records everything,
and my Sergeant always
checks it, so yeah.
Sorry, what are you saying?
There you go.
This is ridiculous.
Thank you very much.
[truck honks]
Mum, my costume!
Hoon. Hoon.
[woman on phone] Anti what?
Anti-Hoon thing.
Apparently they
can take your car
if you've been driving
erratically or-
Trying to look at
a picture of a penis.
So now you've got no
licence and no car, Jesus.
Oh, and Abby's costume
is in the boot of the car,
which is impounded.
You nitwit.
Please don't tell Mum and Dad.
Obviously,
I'm the good daughter,
I don't even want to be
associated with your cockups.
You look, where are you off to?
-Trivia.
-With who, a date?
No, not a date.
Why would I go on a date
to trivia with Alex?
Man are for sex and friends are
for dinner, movies, theatre.
Oh, yeah, when's the last
time you went to the theatre?
This is my life and
this is my sex life.
Separate.
All this shagging around.
I can't believe you haven't
got chronic thrush
or arthritic hips or something.
I do have very stiff knees.
I still don't know
how you're managing
to pull all these
incredibly hot young men.
Oh, thank you, thank you,
Helena.
I'm serious.
Do you think it's got anything
to do
with the massive 'no
commitment' sign on my dating
profile?
Yes, well, there's
nothing more attractive
than someone who
doesn't want you.
Exactly.
-I miss you.
-I miss you.
I only like you.
I only like you, too.
Sometimes my kids.
Sometimes, not that often.
[Lola exclaiming]
[Helena] Oh, hi Lola!
I need a snack,
I really need a snack.
Ellia needs a snack too.
Look, I got to run,
okay, night Lola.
-Say "bye".
-Bye!
Okay, so who is Ellia?
And Ellia's sisters.
And how many sisters
does Ellia have?
One hundred million and seven.
Okay, that's quite a lot.
Marcus, Chloe, Amanda, Rocket,
Happy House,
who plays all night.
Okay, I'll give you
two crackers,
you can share them
between all of them, okay?
All right, the babysitter
will be here in a minute.
What's that?
[Lauren] Can't believe we lost.
So next time, try not
just to be the loud lady
in the corner,
shouting out the answers.
Yes, sorry, I just
get a bit overexcited
when I think I know the
answers.
I really wanted to
win that meat tray.
But you're a vegan.
I'm not a vegan.
Reese is a vegan.
He's not a vegan either.
Oh.
Got a lot of ironing to do, so.
No, no, what are you doing?
Why are you-
I just want to see
if anybody's around.
But they're not vetted,
they're not in the spreadsheet.
Oh, bingo!
He's around the corner.
Remember the weird guy
that turned up
to Abby's birthday party?
This is why we have
the spreadsheet.
Background checks,
verify their pictures.
Why is that picture
in black and white?
Oh he's so mysterious.
Black and white picture can
make a loaf of gluten-free
bread
look mysterious.
Maybe he's an actor, oh,
he looks like Marlon Brando.
Or a pre-conviction Ted Bundy.
Oh my God, he's coming.
Okay, just, just wait
with me, wait with me.
No, no, no, no, okay.
[upbeat music]
It's Marlon Brando, just a
bit of a later Marlon Brando.
Don't leave me.
Lauren?
Well look at you.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Alex, I'm just leaving.
He's just finishing
his drink, sorry.
Well, look at you,
you're tasty.
Oh, thank you.
Look at me, I'm tasty.
We're Like an
olive and a cherry
in a sea of raisins
and cornichons.
Cornichon?
I'm a cherry?
Cherry as middle-aged prime,
plump, juicy.
Yeah, I get it.
So, your place or mine?
Oh, no way, but I've got
to go to the toilet.
I'll be here.
Thank you.
Thinking of you,
on the toilet.
Oh, god.
-Are you in a band or?
-No.
-Did do ceramics for a while.
-Hm, okay.
[appetisers crunching]
[phone ringing]
Alex.
Come back here right now.
Don't you dare leave
me with this man.
I'm sorry, but
he was quite strange.
What am I meant to do?
Yeah, um, maybe say
that I'm very sick.
I'm going to tell him
you have diarrhoea.
Diarrhoea, great,
and can you get my bag?
It's quite an expensive one.
Thank you, I'm in a back alley.
-Sorry. -She is not coming
back, is she?
No, no, she's not, no, sorry.
As a lawyer and a person,
can I advise you to
use current photos?
It's sort of etiquette.
Okay, yeah.
And the, and the olive
and the cherry stuff.
It's really creepy, okay, bye.
Yep, all good feedback.
[upbeat groovy music]
[Lauren] Abby,
your viola's here!
[Abby] Yes!
Lola, if you're not dressed,
I will lose my mind.
Oh, good, okay.
I got to get you to work,
me to school.
Oh, what has happened to that?
[Lola] It's okay Mum.
God's watching us,
he's in there.
That light in the ball, is God.
Have you been talking
to her about God again?
I said he was everywhere,
not in the ball.
He's in the ball.
Okay. Go.
Come on, go, go, go, go!
-Great.
-Show and tell.
Good.
-Mum, door.
-Hey, girls.
Door, door, door.
-Careful, careful.
-Sorry Alex.
3 months, only 3 months,
only 3 months, only 3 months,
only 3 months.
Okay, pop on in, and remember,
we don't eat or drink
inside the Jensen.
-[Lola] Yes sir.
-Thank you.
Be careful of the wooden trim,
it's very susceptible
to scuffing.
[Lola] I can't get
my seatbelt on.
[Lauren] Okay.
Who wants yogurt?
-[Alex] No, no, no, no, no.
-[Lola] Me, me, me, me!
[train bell]
[Alex] Twelve weeks,
ninety days.
[Lauren] Hopefully,
could be more.
You're paying for
a weekly clean.
I'll get my car back tomorrow,
and then you can drive
us around in that.
[laughs] Oh, let's get
you a sippy cup.
Did you file the affidavit?
Yes, of course. Did you
file the rugby player?
Yes I did, and the beef,
a big banana.
I've got another one I've
got to put in actually.
Charlie BDSM.
Okay, I'll do it
when I get inside.
No, I know how to do it, Alex.
Well, make sure you
sync it to the iCloud.
You've told me a million times,
I know how to do it.
Hang on, which way up is it.
Hello?
[Woman] Uh, Ms. Davies?
Oh. Hello!
It's Alice from
the school office.
Oh yes, hi.
Don't worry, everything's okay.
I'm just calling because
Lola's here, she's very upset.
Oh, no! What's happened?
Well, she said she's left a
treasure box for show and tell-
Oh, oh yes. Oh yes, we've
got it. We've got it.
[Alice] I was just wondering
if you could maybe bring it in?
Of course. We'll come now.
Um, yeah, if we're quick.
No problem. Thank you.
Bye.
Oh, no, no, no.
Hey, next time you're
buying me a whole new car.
Hang on. There we go.
Chop, chop, chop, chop.
[upbeat music]
Hi, baby.
-Hi Alex.
-Hey oh.
[Abby] What are
you doing here?
The show doesn't start
until half three.
No, I know.
I'm just dropping this off
because Lola forgot it.
Did you get my costume
from the car?
No, we're going there after.
-It's good to see you.
-It's good to see you.
Have you already met Mr.B?
-No.
-Parent's evening.
But he only just started.
Abby, let's, let's go.
God, he looks familiar.
Do I know that man?
That was Hayden.
Big Banana is
Abby's PE teacher?
Yes. How did we not know this?
Wow, I'm sorry, this is my
first sex spreadsheet,
I'm learning on the hop here.
Okay, we might need to be
a little bit more specific
in the workplace column.
Jesus. Yes. Please.
Sorry. It's for
Lola's show and tell.
Ah, yes. A little late,
but thank you.
[Teacher] Okay. On the mat.
Lola can go first.
I have lots of treasure,
and this is my new favourite.
Thank you, Lola. That's lovely.
Alyssa, would you
like to go next?
[upbeat music]
-Very professional.
-Hm.
Need that costume.
Do you think I could-
Do I think you could
climb over that fence? No.
Do I think you should climb
over that fence? Also no. No!
-[metal fence clanking]
-Oh, god.
Sorry. Anyone notice me do
that?
You gave it a shot.
I just need a longer run-up.
Hey, hey.
Almost there.
Okay, I reckon we
should probably go.
Yeah, okay.
Abby's going to kill me.
See if we can come back
after mediation.
Yup. We'll be
very fast lawyers.
Come on.
Gave it a shot.
[Lauren] It's pretty
self-explanatory.
Blah, blah, blah.
Costs generally, stamp duty,
which we've discussed, so...
Please, let me finish first.
Yeah, we've agreed and been
over all this pretty
thoroughly, so.
The more you interrupt me,
it will take longer.
[Lauren whispers]
What time is it?
[phone beeps]
I'm done. Actually, sorry, no.
I'm going to have to
ask for an adjournment.
It's mediation, not court.
Yes. I know that. I know that.
Maybe another one hour.
Sorry, we'll do this later.
Apologies!
Take care. Have a nice day.
[Alex] Thank you so much.
[upbeat music]
-[Teacher] Ah, Mrs. Davies!
-Ms. Davies.
Can I have a quick word?
Uh, no. Sorry.
Can I just see that-
-Stop! It'll only take a sec.
-Okay.
Um. Are you sure it was a-
Quite.
She must have thought it was a-
Balloon. Apparently.
Was it...
..used?
This is incredibly
inappropriate.
I know. I'm mortified.
And unprecedented.
Yes. I would hope so. But an
innocent mistake, obviously.
I'm now required to write
a letter to all class parents
explaining what has occurred.
Is that really necessary?
Yes.
Not naming Lola though, surely.
No, it will be anonymous.
Right. Good. Because legally,
legally-
There's also the matter
of the psychological
impact for Lola herself.
[laughs] Lola's fine. This was
just a bit of a mix up.
We'll be keeping a
very close eye on Lola.
I also need to consider
whether it is still
appropriate for you
to drive the minibus
for next week's excursion.
Mini bus? Yes. The minibus,
which I haven't forgotten
I signed up to drive.
I'd need a licence for that,
wouldn't I? Which I have.
Yes, but now
all things considered.
-Well.
-Yes. Yeah.
Maybe it's better if I don't.
Is there something else I can
help with? Reading groups or...
[exclaims]
Lego club?
I had a really good time
the other night,
but there's something
I need to tell you.
Well, you've got some nerve.
I didn't know your kids
went to this school!
Oh yeah, what are the chances
they go to the school
closest to my house?
Honestly, this is
all your fault.
What?
This bloody slime disaster.
What are you talking about?
What's actually wrong with
you? No, don't answer that.
You're a man. Of course you
don't pick up after yourself.
Oh, okay. You've lost me.
You, you left a fluorescent
yellow condom on my floor,
where my
five-year-old found it
and brought it in for
fucking show and tell.
Hi. Mum.
Oh, lovely.
[buckets of slime
fall and splash]
-[Lola] Mama?
-Yeah?
Why didn't Mrs. Allan
like my balloon?
Oh, baby.
It's just probably
been a long time since
she's seen a balloon like that.
But she took it away.
Yeah. She was just shocked.
They're very rare,
those yellow ones.
Can I get another?
I will get you an even better,
even more special balloon.
Okay?
Now go back to sleep.
Hey, will you come
with me for a second?
I've got something
I want to show you.
Abby?
Please don't ignore me.
Oh, just please, please.
It'll only take a second.
-Come on.
-Fine.
What I thought, because
I missed your show.
I knew you would, and I had
to do it without my costume.
I know. I'm sorry, baby.
I really tried.
Sure.
No, I did. I even asked
for an adjournment.
Did you?
Yeah.
So I thought maybe you
could do your show again?
Just for me?
[ticking clock]
[music beat]
# When I look around
This country #
# There's a sea of death #
# The Earth, she's dying #
# Soon there'll be
Nothing left #
# Politicians, money grabbers,
They are killing it all #
# So this is it, our time, #
# Won't you please
Hear my call #
# Kids of the world, unite #
# We've got the right,
Let's start the fight! #
# Kids of the world, unite #
# We've got the right,
Let's start the fight! #
How dare you.
Yeah, hi.
Girls look,
check out the crane.
Whoa!
-This you lot?
-Uh, yes. Is this correct?
-You betcha.
-No.
Can we get our car back?
My encyclopaedia of the
Mormon Empire is in there.
[Abby] Roman!
Mormon!
[Alex] Ah Lauren.
[Abby] It's not.
They don't have an empire.
Dad, do the Mormon's
have an empire?
Yeah, I don't think you're
allowed to say "moron" anymore.
Oh my gosh! It's Roman!
Lauren, have you had
two other hoon offences?
No. Never heard
of hoon offences.
Uh, Loz. Right, see,
the thing is,
do you remember when my
van was at the garage?
I was using your car,
got heaps of grunt by the way,
and I didn't
want to tell you
because I knew
you'd be pissed.
Yeah, well I am pissed.
Bravo, Jake.
So now there's been three
hoon offences in that car,
which means-
Which means...
[makes crushing sound]
Mum, our car, the crane!
[crane smashes car]
[all scream]
This is the
nightmare come true.
[glass shatters]
Are they my goggles?
[urgent music]
[upbeat music]
[Lauren] Ah, that's it!
Ah, Ahhh!
Ohhh!
Oh yeah!
Oh yes!
Oh don't stop.
Oh I said "Don't stop".
-[man] Oh yeah.
-[Lauren] Thank you.
-[Lauren] You okay?
-[man] Yeah, yeah.
[Lauren] Okay, good then.
[Lauren moans]
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes!
[door slams open]
[Lauren] No, no,
stop, stop, stop.
Stop!
[man] I thought
you said don't stop.
There's people coming.
[Lauren] Oh, ah...
Should we move this
back to my place?
Why? What for?
To finish what we started.
Oh, I'm good, thank you.
What? Um, what about me?
Oh, thank you so much Jason.
Nice to meet you. Take care.
It's Andy.
# I'm like a candle burning
End to end #
Bit of al fresco dining.
Yeah, bloody freezing.
Hmm, I mean it is winter.
We do have winter in Australia.
The wind chill was quite
numbing down below.
Right! Lovely. Thank you.
And it was Andy right?
Andy was it? No, no, no.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
8pm, Palais Theatre.
That's what it says in the
spreadsheet, and in the diary.
You sure it was Andy?
Yep, here we go. Andy 32.
Finance manager.
-Hmm.
-What he look like?
-Tall.
-Right.
-Well it was quite dark.
-Show me on his profile.
Um, there it is.
-Oh yeah, Andy, Andy.
-Couldn't be clearer A-N-D-Y.
-Andy.
-Yes.
Yeah well I was rushing
because Jake was late
picking up the kids.
Jake was late?
Or you were late?
I should double check their
names though, you are right.
You know what, let's add
photos to the spreadsheet.
Yes!
Like a little hyperlink...
A little photo, hyperlink?
Yeah, tech stuff.
Okay. So is he
worth a repeat?
Maybe.
Marks out of ten?
Six and a half,
maybe seven for effort.
That's more of a 'yes'
than a 'maybe'?
Maybe. Do we have
a 'maybe' tab?
I will add one.
Okie dokie,
now we got to file the
paperwork for the Morgan case,
and we've got a 9am tomorrow
with Mr Griffin.
All right, and tonight?
Ah tonight it is Hayden, 33,
ex-rugby player.
Bar Margaux, 8pm.
Bar Margaux?
Are you going on a, um, a date?
Ah, well yeah, sort of.
Oh, so you and Jake are
definitely over?
Hmm.
-I'm so sorry.
-Don't be.
Gee whiz you're brave.
Isn't she brave?
-Yes, very much so.
-Am I? Am I brave?
Yes. All those apps,
you know,
competing with girls half your
age and they've all got the...
..face and you know.
Well I don't think I'm
competing.
It must be so hard,
so hard, all that rejection.
There's actually not
that much rejection...
Well I say good for you,
looking for the one.
Well I'm not. Been there, tried
that. Gave me indigestion.
Well no, the next one.
-Yeah.
-Anyone.
[laughs] Anyone.
-As long as you're happy.
-I am, yeah.
-Hmm.
-Yeah.
[upbeat music]
I've played professional
rugby for five years.
Wow, wow.
What position did you play?
Blind-side winger.
Gosh, that's lovely.
Yeah, so I left London,
my contract ended
and then I came back here
and I had a bit of downtime
and I started teaching the
kids.
Oh.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
P.E.
-Oh, P.E.
-Yeah.
-Uh, Hayden?
-Yeah.
I don't care.
[upbeat music]
[kissing]
[upbeat music]
[kissing]
[Lauren moaning]
Well, that was the best
first time I've ever had.
Yeah, it was very nice.
Look I don't have to
rush off if you want to.
Sorry, I've got an early start.
Ah, another time.
When are you free?
Well, I'll just check my
spreadsheet, um...
I'll get back to you.
No worries.
-Give me a buzz.
-I will.
[uplifting music]
Over to you now, Lauren.
Okay, so we settled out of
court in the Cameron case
which I think was a good
result.
And in other news, Alex and I
landed a lucrative new client
this week, Mr. Hilton.
In fact, Alex was instrumental
in bringing him in,
so congratulations, Alex.
[phone ringing]
I'm sorry, I'm going to have
to get this, it's the school.
Please.
Well done.
Thank you.
Lauren Davis, everything okay?
Yeah, I'm actually at work,
do you mind calling her dad?
He's engaged, okay, yeah, put
her through.
Sorry, sorry.
Hey baby.
Yeah, no seriously, I'm...
Cook And Cook partners
at law, Simon speaking.
Okay, calm down, calm down,
now breathe.
Uh, hello, sorry to interrupt.
Lauren, your husband's
on the phone.
Oh yeah, ex-husband.
He just said it
was really urgent.
Okay, sorry, do you mind
if we put him through?
-No.
-I'm so sorry.
No, I don't have time,
I'm at work, okay?
[sings] Wash your hands,
wash your hands.
-Hello Jake.
-Jake, yes, it's daddy.
[Jake] Hello, Loz, Loz, hey,
I was just wondering if
you've seen my goggles?
No, no, I haven't
seen your goggles.
No we're not going
swimming darling.
[sings] Wash your hands,
wash your hands-
[Jake] The blue ones-
[Lauren hangs up phone]
Yeah, yeah,
she's going to wash her hands.
So Alex, do you want
to fill in the details?
[Alex] Yes, absolutely.
I think that's a great sign.
Jake's reaching out,
that's great.
[gentle music]
[bell ringing]
[phone beeps]
Oh, hello.
[camera clicking]
[window knocking]
-Hello.
-Hi, hello.
Just thought I'd warn you
against using your phone
when driving.
Oh, I wasn't actually using it.
It's a hefty fine
and the demerit points.
I'm not actually driving.
Well you were in a vehicle
with the engine running.
Oh!
It's Tuesday,
why are you here?
Oh, I thought you were.
Bye!
Lola, Abby, woo-hoo!
Daddy!
Oh my gosh, what is that?
Hey ah, didn't you say
you're in court?
-That is tomorrow.
-In mediation?
It is in the calendar.
[Jake] Yeah?
Guys, I borrowed a new book.
It's the, wait, what is it?
It's the Encyclopaedia of the
Roman Empire, wow Lola, that's-
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's with the avocados?
I got them on special, you
should grab some. The calendar?
The shared calendar, in the
phone, I don't need them.
Well, I mean,
the girls can have them.
No, it's really, no thank you,
oh God almighty.
I got 'em, I got 'em.
Oh, you want one?
Mind your head.
Okay.
Thank you.
Bye!
Bye Dad!
Bye darling!
Toodle-doo!
Hey Loz, can you keep an eye
out for my goggles, please?
-Bye!
-Okay.
Mum, I'm doing the opening song
at the Earth Aware
fair tomorrow.
Oh, that's right,
I'm in mediation,
but what time
does it start again?
Half three, everyone else's
mums will be there,
how come you never
come to things?
I said, I'll try.
You always say that.
Abbs, I'm in mediation,
it's not that simple.
Then ask for an adjournment.
[phone chimes]
Abs, can I have
my phone, please?
It's from 'Charlie Beard BDSM',
it's a photo message-
Don't open it!
Give me the phone,
give me the phone!
Please, thank you.
[Abby] What's BDSM anyway?
Absolutely nothing you
will ever need to know.
[police siren]
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Hey, good day!
So, you were using your
mobile while driving,
so that's a three
month suspension.
-Is it?
-Hmm.
-And this was an emergency
call? -Yes, yes it was.
Oh, well.
Well, I mean, it was a work,
a client sent me,
I'm a lawyer, so.
Ah, sorry, lawyers don't
have special powers.
No, of course, that wasn't
what I was trying to do.
-There's no dispensations.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
According to the law-
Sorry, can you take your
sunglasses off so I can see
you.
Hey, sure, sure, sure,
sorry I just-
Oh, no, wow.
Sorry, they're prescription,
I left my glasses at home.
[both laughing]
I'm always doing that.
So blurry, yeah.
Also, you, you pulled out
really erratically before.
Did I?
Yeah, you, you ran a stop sign.
Did it say stop?
Mum!
Yeah, it was like, she was,
the lollipop lady was holding
a big red stop sign.
Oh.
Yeah, if it was up to me.
Aw, thank you so much.
So it's not up to me,
what am I talking about?
My dash camera
records everything,
and my Sergeant always
checks it, so yeah.
Sorry, what are you saying?
There you go.
This is ridiculous.
Thank you very much.
[truck honks]
Mum, my costume!
Hoon. Hoon.
[woman on phone] Anti what?
Anti-Hoon thing.
Apparently they
can take your car
if you've been driving
erratically or-
Trying to look at
a picture of a penis.
So now you've got no
licence and no car, Jesus.
Oh, and Abby's costume
is in the boot of the car,
which is impounded.
You nitwit.
Please don't tell Mum and Dad.
Obviously,
I'm the good daughter,
I don't even want to be
associated with your cockups.
You look, where are you off to?
-Trivia.
-With who, a date?
No, not a date.
Why would I go on a date
to trivia with Alex?
Man are for sex and friends are
for dinner, movies, theatre.
Oh, yeah, when's the last
time you went to the theatre?
This is my life and
this is my sex life.
Separate.
All this shagging around.
I can't believe you haven't
got chronic thrush
or arthritic hips or something.
I do have very stiff knees.
I still don't know
how you're managing
to pull all these
incredibly hot young men.
Oh, thank you, thank you,
Helena.
I'm serious.
Do you think it's got anything
to do
with the massive 'no
commitment' sign on my dating
profile?
Yes, well, there's
nothing more attractive
than someone who
doesn't want you.
Exactly.
-I miss you.
-I miss you.
I only like you.
I only like you, too.
Sometimes my kids.
Sometimes, not that often.
[Lola exclaiming]
[Helena] Oh, hi Lola!
I need a snack,
I really need a snack.
Ellia needs a snack too.
Look, I got to run,
okay, night Lola.
-Say "bye".
-Bye!
Okay, so who is Ellia?
And Ellia's sisters.
And how many sisters
does Ellia have?
One hundred million and seven.
Okay, that's quite a lot.
Marcus, Chloe, Amanda, Rocket,
Happy House,
who plays all night.
Okay, I'll give you
two crackers,
you can share them
between all of them, okay?
All right, the babysitter
will be here in a minute.
What's that?
[Lauren] Can't believe we lost.
So next time, try not
just to be the loud lady
in the corner,
shouting out the answers.
Yes, sorry, I just
get a bit overexcited
when I think I know the
answers.
I really wanted to
win that meat tray.
But you're a vegan.
I'm not a vegan.
Reese is a vegan.
He's not a vegan either.
Oh.
Got a lot of ironing to do, so.
No, no, what are you doing?
Why are you-
I just want to see
if anybody's around.
But they're not vetted,
they're not in the spreadsheet.
Oh, bingo!
He's around the corner.
Remember the weird guy
that turned up
to Abby's birthday party?
This is why we have
the spreadsheet.
Background checks,
verify their pictures.
Why is that picture
in black and white?
Oh he's so mysterious.
Black and white picture can
make a loaf of gluten-free
bread
look mysterious.
Maybe he's an actor, oh,
he looks like Marlon Brando.
Or a pre-conviction Ted Bundy.
Oh my God, he's coming.
Okay, just, just wait
with me, wait with me.
No, no, no, no, okay.
[upbeat music]
It's Marlon Brando, just a
bit of a later Marlon Brando.
Don't leave me.
Lauren?
Well look at you.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Alex, I'm just leaving.
He's just finishing
his drink, sorry.
Well, look at you,
you're tasty.
Oh, thank you.
Look at me, I'm tasty.
We're Like an
olive and a cherry
in a sea of raisins
and cornichons.
Cornichon?
I'm a cherry?
Cherry as middle-aged prime,
plump, juicy.
Yeah, I get it.
So, your place or mine?
Oh, no way, but I've got
to go to the toilet.
I'll be here.
Thank you.
Thinking of you,
on the toilet.
Oh, god.
-Are you in a band or?
-No.
-Did do ceramics for a while.
-Hm, okay.
[appetisers crunching]
[phone ringing]
Alex.
Come back here right now.
Don't you dare leave
me with this man.
I'm sorry, but
he was quite strange.
What am I meant to do?
Yeah, um, maybe say
that I'm very sick.
I'm going to tell him
you have diarrhoea.
Diarrhoea, great,
and can you get my bag?
It's quite an expensive one.
Thank you, I'm in a back alley.
-Sorry. -She is not coming
back, is she?
No, no, she's not, no, sorry.
As a lawyer and a person,
can I advise you to
use current photos?
It's sort of etiquette.
Okay, yeah.
And the, and the olive
and the cherry stuff.
It's really creepy, okay, bye.
Yep, all good feedback.
[upbeat groovy music]
[Lauren] Abby,
your viola's here!
[Abby] Yes!
Lola, if you're not dressed,
I will lose my mind.
Oh, good, okay.
I got to get you to work,
me to school.
Oh, what has happened to that?
[Lola] It's okay Mum.
God's watching us,
he's in there.
That light in the ball, is God.
Have you been talking
to her about God again?
I said he was everywhere,
not in the ball.
He's in the ball.
Okay. Go.
Come on, go, go, go, go!
-Great.
-Show and tell.
Good.
-Mum, door.
-Hey, girls.
Door, door, door.
-Careful, careful.
-Sorry Alex.
3 months, only 3 months,
only 3 months, only 3 months,
only 3 months.
Okay, pop on in, and remember,
we don't eat or drink
inside the Jensen.
-[Lola] Yes sir.
-Thank you.
Be careful of the wooden trim,
it's very susceptible
to scuffing.
[Lola] I can't get
my seatbelt on.
[Lauren] Okay.
Who wants yogurt?
-[Alex] No, no, no, no, no.
-[Lola] Me, me, me, me!
[train bell]
[Alex] Twelve weeks,
ninety days.
[Lauren] Hopefully,
could be more.
You're paying for
a weekly clean.
I'll get my car back tomorrow,
and then you can drive
us around in that.
[laughs] Oh, let's get
you a sippy cup.
Did you file the affidavit?
Yes, of course. Did you
file the rugby player?
Yes I did, and the beef,
a big banana.
I've got another one I've
got to put in actually.
Charlie BDSM.
Okay, I'll do it
when I get inside.
No, I know how to do it, Alex.
Well, make sure you
sync it to the iCloud.
You've told me a million times,
I know how to do it.
Hang on, which way up is it.
Hello?
[Woman] Uh, Ms. Davies?
Oh. Hello!
It's Alice from
the school office.
Oh yes, hi.
Don't worry, everything's okay.
I'm just calling because
Lola's here, she's very upset.
Oh, no! What's happened?
Well, she said she's left a
treasure box for show and tell-
Oh, oh yes. Oh yes, we've
got it. We've got it.
[Alice] I was just wondering
if you could maybe bring it in?
Of course. We'll come now.
Um, yeah, if we're quick.
No problem. Thank you.
Bye.
Oh, no, no, no.
Hey, next time you're
buying me a whole new car.
Hang on. There we go.
Chop, chop, chop, chop.
[upbeat music]
Hi, baby.
-Hi Alex.
-Hey oh.
[Abby] What are
you doing here?
The show doesn't start
until half three.
No, I know.
I'm just dropping this off
because Lola forgot it.
Did you get my costume
from the car?
No, we're going there after.
-It's good to see you.
-It's good to see you.
Have you already met Mr.B?
-No.
-Parent's evening.
But he only just started.
Abby, let's, let's go.
God, he looks familiar.
Do I know that man?
That was Hayden.
Big Banana is
Abby's PE teacher?
Yes. How did we not know this?
Wow, I'm sorry, this is my
first sex spreadsheet,
I'm learning on the hop here.
Okay, we might need to be
a little bit more specific
in the workplace column.
Jesus. Yes. Please.
Sorry. It's for
Lola's show and tell.
Ah, yes. A little late,
but thank you.
[Teacher] Okay. On the mat.
Lola can go first.
I have lots of treasure,
and this is my new favourite.
Thank you, Lola. That's lovely.
Alyssa, would you
like to go next?
[upbeat music]
-Very professional.
-Hm.
Need that costume.
Do you think I could-
Do I think you could
climb over that fence? No.
Do I think you should climb
over that fence? Also no. No!
-[metal fence clanking]
-Oh, god.
Sorry. Anyone notice me do
that?
You gave it a shot.
I just need a longer run-up.
Hey, hey.
Almost there.
Okay, I reckon we
should probably go.
Yeah, okay.
Abby's going to kill me.
See if we can come back
after mediation.
Yup. We'll be
very fast lawyers.
Come on.
Gave it a shot.
[Lauren] It's pretty
self-explanatory.
Blah, blah, blah.
Costs generally, stamp duty,
which we've discussed, so...
Please, let me finish first.
Yeah, we've agreed and been
over all this pretty
thoroughly, so.
The more you interrupt me,
it will take longer.
[Lauren whispers]
What time is it?
[phone beeps]
I'm done. Actually, sorry, no.
I'm going to have to
ask for an adjournment.
It's mediation, not court.
Yes. I know that. I know that.
Maybe another one hour.
Sorry, we'll do this later.
Apologies!
Take care. Have a nice day.
[Alex] Thank you so much.
[upbeat music]
-[Teacher] Ah, Mrs. Davies!
-Ms. Davies.
Can I have a quick word?
Uh, no. Sorry.
Can I just see that-
-Stop! It'll only take a sec.
-Okay.
Um. Are you sure it was a-
Quite.
She must have thought it was a-
Balloon. Apparently.
Was it...
..used?
This is incredibly
inappropriate.
I know. I'm mortified.
And unprecedented.
Yes. I would hope so. But an
innocent mistake, obviously.
I'm now required to write
a letter to all class parents
explaining what has occurred.
Is that really necessary?
Yes.
Not naming Lola though, surely.
No, it will be anonymous.
Right. Good. Because legally,
legally-
There's also the matter
of the psychological
impact for Lola herself.
[laughs] Lola's fine. This was
just a bit of a mix up.
We'll be keeping a
very close eye on Lola.
I also need to consider
whether it is still
appropriate for you
to drive the minibus
for next week's excursion.
Mini bus? Yes. The minibus,
which I haven't forgotten
I signed up to drive.
I'd need a licence for that,
wouldn't I? Which I have.
Yes, but now
all things considered.
-Well.
-Yes. Yeah.
Maybe it's better if I don't.
Is there something else I can
help with? Reading groups or...
[exclaims]
Lego club?
I had a really good time
the other night,
but there's something
I need to tell you.
Well, you've got some nerve.
I didn't know your kids
went to this school!
Oh yeah, what are the chances
they go to the school
closest to my house?
Honestly, this is
all your fault.
What?
This bloody slime disaster.
What are you talking about?
What's actually wrong with
you? No, don't answer that.
You're a man. Of course you
don't pick up after yourself.
Oh, okay. You've lost me.
You, you left a fluorescent
yellow condom on my floor,
where my
five-year-old found it
and brought it in for
fucking show and tell.
Hi. Mum.
Oh, lovely.
[buckets of slime
fall and splash]
-[Lola] Mama?
-Yeah?
Why didn't Mrs. Allan
like my balloon?
Oh, baby.
It's just probably
been a long time since
she's seen a balloon like that.
But she took it away.
Yeah. She was just shocked.
They're very rare,
those yellow ones.
Can I get another?
I will get you an even better,
even more special balloon.
Okay?
Now go back to sleep.
Hey, will you come
with me for a second?
I've got something
I want to show you.
Abby?
Please don't ignore me.
Oh, just please, please.
It'll only take a second.
-Come on.
-Fine.
What I thought, because
I missed your show.
I knew you would, and I had
to do it without my costume.
I know. I'm sorry, baby.
I really tried.
Sure.
No, I did. I even asked
for an adjournment.
Did you?
Yeah.
So I thought maybe you
could do your show again?
Just for me?
[ticking clock]
[music beat]
# When I look around
This country #
# There's a sea of death #
# The Earth, she's dying #
# Soon there'll be
Nothing left #
# Politicians, money grabbers,
They are killing it all #
# So this is it, our time, #
# Won't you please
Hear my call #
# Kids of the world, unite #
# We've got the right,
Let's start the fight! #
# Kids of the world, unite #
# We've got the right,
Let's start the fight! #
How dare you.
Yeah, hi.
Girls look,
check out the crane.
Whoa!
-This you lot?
-Uh, yes. Is this correct?
-You betcha.
-No.
Can we get our car back?
My encyclopaedia of the
Mormon Empire is in there.
[Abby] Roman!
Mormon!
[Alex] Ah Lauren.
[Abby] It's not.
They don't have an empire.
Dad, do the Mormon's
have an empire?
Yeah, I don't think you're
allowed to say "moron" anymore.
Oh my gosh! It's Roman!
Lauren, have you had
two other hoon offences?
No. Never heard
of hoon offences.
Uh, Loz. Right, see,
the thing is,
do you remember when my
van was at the garage?
I was using your car,
got heaps of grunt by the way,
and I didn't
want to tell you
because I knew
you'd be pissed.
Yeah, well I am pissed.
Bravo, Jake.
So now there's been three
hoon offences in that car,
which means-
Which means...
[makes crushing sound]
Mum, our car, the crane!
[crane smashes car]
[all scream]
This is the
nightmare come true.
[glass shatters]
Are they my goggles?
[urgent music]
[upbeat music]