SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Christmas Who? - full transcript
Christmas Who?: Nobody in Bikini Bottom has ever heard of Christmas or Santa Clause until Sandy lets them in on this surface tradition. SpongeBob wants to bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom ...
NARRATOR:
Ah, the Krusty Krab,
home of the Krabby Patty,
with its top secret formula
known only to those brave
enough and intelligent enough
to comprehend
its culinary complexity.
Look, Mr. Krabs, I'm doing it,
l'm doing it!
KRABS:
Quit fooling around, SpongeBob,
we've got customers.
NARRATOR:
But wherever there is
a secret recipe,
there is someone
who wants to steal it.
( laughing evilly )
( thud )
Ouch!
( in electronic voice ):
And now for the final touch.
Perfect!
With this disguise
that formula is as good as mine.
( laughing )
( clears throat )
Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?
Why, yes...
yes, I am.
Then you've just won $1 million.
( gasps )
You just have to answer
one question.
What is the Krabby Patty
secret formula?
( inhales )
Yes.
( inhales )
Yes!
( inhales )
Yes!
The Krabby patty formula
is the sole property
of the Krusty Krab
and is only to be discussed,
in part or in whole,
with its creator Mr. Krabs.
Duplication of this formula
is punishable by law.
Restrictions apply,
results may vary.
( railroad crossing bells
ringing )
( screams )
That's it!
You'd better cough up
that secret formula or else!
Plankton!
Krabs!
Plankton!
Krabs!
SpongeBob.
You can't do this to me, Krabs.
( inhales )
I went to college!
Ouch!
That Plankton is a clever beast.
You've got to keep
a sharp eye out for
him, SpongeBob.
The Krabby Patty law
must be enforced.
The future of the Krusty Krab
depends on it.
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs.
As long as these pants
are square
and this sponge is bob...
I will not let you down!
Uh, SpongeBob...
could you let me down?
PATRON:
Man, these patties
sure are delicious.
I wonder what's in
that secret formula?
( siren buzzes )
Code 12! code 12!
Your disguises can't fool me
this time, Plankton.
( pop )
( patrons gasp )
Everyone at the Head
Enhancement Clinic
said nobody would notice.
( sobs )
KRABS:
SpongeBob!
You're scaring away me money.
Sorry, Mr. Krabs,
I'm just trying
to protect the secret formula.
That's no reason
to rip people's
heads off, boy.
Just remember the most
important rule.
No free napkins?
No! The other
most important rule...
regarding the secret formula.
Only discuss the secret recipe
with Mr. Krabs.
As long as you do that,
the secret is safe.
l always thought
the most important rule was,
"Why do today what you
can put off till tomorrow?"
( laughs )
What is today but
yesterday's tomorrow?
Huh?
Today, I want you
to take inventory
on everything in here;
every last pickle
and patty must be
accounted for.
Aye, aye, captain.
( electronic whirring )
Two boxes of buns.
Three pounds of patties.
( in mechanical voice ):
Mr. Squidward.
What now, Mr. Krabs?
That's right, I am Krabs...
your boss, your ruler
your master.
( laughs evilly )
Ha, ha, ha.
( exhaust coughs )
You're not
Mr. Krabs.
Hey, why don't you take
the rest of the day off?
( chuckling ):
Well...
whatever you say,
"Mr. Krabs."
( laughing )
Whoopee!
Hi, Mr. Krabs.
Oh, sweet domination.
This is it!
No sign of Plankton yet.
Gosh, Mr. Krabs, you
don't look so good.
Ooh, you're so cold.
( hollow, metallic thumping )
That's just my metal suit.
I made it to protect
the formula.
KRABS:
SpongeBob.
( echoing ):
SpongeBob!
It's that thick-headed Krabs.
He'll ruin everything.
Look, a jellyfish.
I got it, I got it.
( buzzes )
I got it, I got it.
SpongeBob!
Hey, Mr. Krabs,
what happened
to your metal pants?
Don't go all loopy on me, boy.
I need your help.
And where in the high seas
is Squidward?
You gave him the day off.
Day...
( bellows )
I don't know the meaning
of them horrible words!
Now quit your laying
around, SpongeBob,
and take out that garbage.
It's starting to give me a rash.
Yes, sir, Mr. Krabs, sir.
Hey, Mr. Krabs, just
taking out that garbage.
Never mind that... I
need to talk to you.
( beams zinging )
Whoa-ho, Mr. Krabs.
l didn't know
you had heat vision.
Never mind, I need
you to tell me...
KRABS:
SpongeBob!
Yike!
SpongeBob! I'm
not paying you
to stand around.
Get back to the kitchen.
But I thought you wanted
to ask me a question.
Yes... why aren't
you working harder?
( hesitantly ):
I don't know, Mr. Krabs...
I don't know.
I'll never get that formula
with that pest, Krabs,
popping in and out like that.
I've got it!
I've been saving this
for a rainy day.
lt looks like
an ordinary penny...
because it is an ordinary penny.
That fool Krabs is too greedy
to ignore you, my little pretty.
( laughing )
That sound, it sounds like...
the pitter-patter of...
money!
( squeals )
Hey, where you going, beautiful?
Mr. Krabs.
Wha...
( crash )
Stop!
KRABS:
Please!
Wait!
Nothing stands between me
and that secret formula now.
( mechanical laughter )
( thud )
Ouch!
♪ Scrubba-dub-dub,
l love to rub. ♪
Hey, Mr. Krabs, just doing
a little scrubbing.
Hello, SpongeBob,
it is me, Mr. Krabs...
( exhaust coughs )
in the flesh
standing right in front of you
with no one else around.
I can see that, Mr. Krabs.
I thought we might
discuss the Krabby Patty
secret formula.
Isn't that a microphone?
What?
Why, yes, it is.
I must get this shirt cleaned.
All right, now tell me
the secret formula.
But, sir, we haven't done
the secret handshake yet.
Oh, yes, here, let's shake.
( giggles )
We don't shake
with our hands,
remember?
Uh, right, why don't you start.
We stand on one foot...
balance a glass
of chocolate milk
on our heads
and sing the Bikini Bottom
national anthem.
BOTH:
♪ Oh, Bikini Bottom ♪
♪ We pledge our hearts to you ♪
♪ As faithful, as deep,
as true, as blue ♪
♪ Bikini Bottom, we love you. ♪
Formula time?
Almost.
( grunting frantically )
( explosion )
Yum, yum, this spaghetti
sure is good.
Belch.
BOTH:
Meatball, meatball,
spaghetti underneath!
Ravioli, ravioli,
Great Barrier Reef!
( clap )
Okay, now let's hear
that formula.
Sorry, no can do,
Mr. Krabs.
Wha-a-a-a-t?
But we did everything you said.
I followed all the rules.
I even ate 105 black licorice
jelly beans through a straw.
Now, why can't you tell me
the formula?
It's your rule...
never speak the formula.
You told me to keep it in...
this bottle.
( bell dings )
This is it, Plankton.
Gently, now.
( laughing mechanically )
( gasps )
( gasps )
( gasps )
Gasp!
How could you do this,
SpongeBob?
Giving me secret formula
to this... impostor?
Don't listen to him, SpongeBob.
Remember... ravioli,
ravioli, give me
the formuoli.
SpongeBob, no,
don't listen to him.
I'm the real Mr. Krabs.
Don't listen
to him, he's
obviously a robot.
( exhaust coughs )
Well, if I was a robot,
which I'm not,
at least I'm well put together,
not some rusted-out,
steam-driven pile of junk.
Who you calling "steam-driven"?
SPONGEBOB ( screaming ):
Quiet!
Until I know who the real
Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves,
nobody gets hurt.
BOTH:
Tartar sauce?!
Take it easy with that thing.
( screams )
I'll do the talking around here.
I think I'll just ask you two
a couple of questions;
questions only the real
Mr. Krabs could answer.
Okay, then.
First question: What time
does the Krusty Krab open?
9:30 a.m.
Right.
That's one strike,
"Mr. Fake."
But...
Duh-duh, I'm running
this quiz show
I'll ask the questions.
lf there's going
to be any "buts,"
they're going to be from me.
Okay, question number two:
How much does
a Krabby Patty cost?
$2.99.
On Wednesday.
99 cents.
Right again.
You're starting
to look pretty phony
right about now.
I'd be nervous if I were you.
Now, only the really real
Mr. Krabs can answer this:
If we're discussing
the secret formula
on the third Wednesday
in January,
and it's not raining outside
after we gargle with
vanilla pudding,
what do we do?
That's an easy one.
You just... just...
Let's see, if it's a...
If it's January with...
with vanilla pudding,
you... uh...
Pass.
( grunts )
Wait!
SpongeBob!
Give me another chance.
So long,
Imitation Krabs.
Bye-bye.
I knew it was you
all along, Mr. Krabs.
Here you go.
Thank you, Sponge-Dupe.
( mechanical laughter )
Don't forget your lucky penny.
( laughter continues )
Yoicks.
This must be your lucky day.
( laughs )
COMPUTER VOICE:
The self-destruct coin slot
has been activated.
Ten seconds till detonation.
"Coin-operated self-destruct"?
Not one of my better ideas.
( screaming ):
Help!!
( massive explosion )
( thud )
PLANKTON:
Ouch.
If that was Plankton...
Uh-oh.
KRABS:
Help...
Yah, Mr. Krabs!
Ooh, yum, yum.
Back, you hungry hand, back.
Help!
Gee, Mr. Krabs,
I'm sorry.
I thought you were a phony.
Hoo, that's okay,
me lad.
Long as the secret
formula's safe again.
However, that penny's
coming out of your paycheck.
( both laughing )
SPONGEBOB:
Really?
Ah, the Krusty Krab,
home of the Krabby Patty,
with its top secret formula
known only to those brave
enough and intelligent enough
to comprehend
its culinary complexity.
Look, Mr. Krabs, I'm doing it,
l'm doing it!
KRABS:
Quit fooling around, SpongeBob,
we've got customers.
NARRATOR:
But wherever there is
a secret recipe,
there is someone
who wants to steal it.
( laughing evilly )
( thud )
Ouch!
( in electronic voice ):
And now for the final touch.
Perfect!
With this disguise
that formula is as good as mine.
( laughing )
( clears throat )
Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?
Why, yes...
yes, I am.
Then you've just won $1 million.
( gasps )
You just have to answer
one question.
What is the Krabby Patty
secret formula?
( inhales )
Yes.
( inhales )
Yes!
( inhales )
Yes!
The Krabby patty formula
is the sole property
of the Krusty Krab
and is only to be discussed,
in part or in whole,
with its creator Mr. Krabs.
Duplication of this formula
is punishable by law.
Restrictions apply,
results may vary.
( railroad crossing bells
ringing )
( screams )
That's it!
You'd better cough up
that secret formula or else!
Plankton!
Krabs!
Plankton!
Krabs!
SpongeBob.
You can't do this to me, Krabs.
( inhales )
I went to college!
Ouch!
That Plankton is a clever beast.
You've got to keep
a sharp eye out for
him, SpongeBob.
The Krabby Patty law
must be enforced.
The future of the Krusty Krab
depends on it.
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs.
As long as these pants
are square
and this sponge is bob...
I will not let you down!
Uh, SpongeBob...
could you let me down?
PATRON:
Man, these patties
sure are delicious.
I wonder what's in
that secret formula?
( siren buzzes )
Code 12! code 12!
Your disguises can't fool me
this time, Plankton.
( pop )
( patrons gasp )
Everyone at the Head
Enhancement Clinic
said nobody would notice.
( sobs )
KRABS:
SpongeBob!
You're scaring away me money.
Sorry, Mr. Krabs,
I'm just trying
to protect the secret formula.
That's no reason
to rip people's
heads off, boy.
Just remember the most
important rule.
No free napkins?
No! The other
most important rule...
regarding the secret formula.
Only discuss the secret recipe
with Mr. Krabs.
As long as you do that,
the secret is safe.
l always thought
the most important rule was,
"Why do today what you
can put off till tomorrow?"
( laughs )
What is today but
yesterday's tomorrow?
Huh?
Today, I want you
to take inventory
on everything in here;
every last pickle
and patty must be
accounted for.
Aye, aye, captain.
( electronic whirring )
Two boxes of buns.
Three pounds of patties.
( in mechanical voice ):
Mr. Squidward.
What now, Mr. Krabs?
That's right, I am Krabs...
your boss, your ruler
your master.
( laughs evilly )
Ha, ha, ha.
( exhaust coughs )
You're not
Mr. Krabs.
Hey, why don't you take
the rest of the day off?
( chuckling ):
Well...
whatever you say,
"Mr. Krabs."
( laughing )
Whoopee!
Hi, Mr. Krabs.
Oh, sweet domination.
This is it!
No sign of Plankton yet.
Gosh, Mr. Krabs, you
don't look so good.
Ooh, you're so cold.
( hollow, metallic thumping )
That's just my metal suit.
I made it to protect
the formula.
KRABS:
SpongeBob.
( echoing ):
SpongeBob!
It's that thick-headed Krabs.
He'll ruin everything.
Look, a jellyfish.
I got it, I got it.
( buzzes )
I got it, I got it.
SpongeBob!
Hey, Mr. Krabs,
what happened
to your metal pants?
Don't go all loopy on me, boy.
I need your help.
And where in the high seas
is Squidward?
You gave him the day off.
Day...
( bellows )
I don't know the meaning
of them horrible words!
Now quit your laying
around, SpongeBob,
and take out that garbage.
It's starting to give me a rash.
Yes, sir, Mr. Krabs, sir.
Hey, Mr. Krabs, just
taking out that garbage.
Never mind that... I
need to talk to you.
( beams zinging )
Whoa-ho, Mr. Krabs.
l didn't know
you had heat vision.
Never mind, I need
you to tell me...
KRABS:
SpongeBob!
Yike!
SpongeBob! I'm
not paying you
to stand around.
Get back to the kitchen.
But I thought you wanted
to ask me a question.
Yes... why aren't
you working harder?
( hesitantly ):
I don't know, Mr. Krabs...
I don't know.
I'll never get that formula
with that pest, Krabs,
popping in and out like that.
I've got it!
I've been saving this
for a rainy day.
lt looks like
an ordinary penny...
because it is an ordinary penny.
That fool Krabs is too greedy
to ignore you, my little pretty.
( laughing )
That sound, it sounds like...
the pitter-patter of...
money!
( squeals )
Hey, where you going, beautiful?
Mr. Krabs.
Wha...
( crash )
Stop!
KRABS:
Please!
Wait!
Nothing stands between me
and that secret formula now.
( mechanical laughter )
( thud )
Ouch!
♪ Scrubba-dub-dub,
l love to rub. ♪
Hey, Mr. Krabs, just doing
a little scrubbing.
Hello, SpongeBob,
it is me, Mr. Krabs...
( exhaust coughs )
in the flesh
standing right in front of you
with no one else around.
I can see that, Mr. Krabs.
I thought we might
discuss the Krabby Patty
secret formula.
Isn't that a microphone?
What?
Why, yes, it is.
I must get this shirt cleaned.
All right, now tell me
the secret formula.
But, sir, we haven't done
the secret handshake yet.
Oh, yes, here, let's shake.
( giggles )
We don't shake
with our hands,
remember?
Uh, right, why don't you start.
We stand on one foot...
balance a glass
of chocolate milk
on our heads
and sing the Bikini Bottom
national anthem.
BOTH:
♪ Oh, Bikini Bottom ♪
♪ We pledge our hearts to you ♪
♪ As faithful, as deep,
as true, as blue ♪
♪ Bikini Bottom, we love you. ♪
Formula time?
Almost.
( grunting frantically )
( explosion )
Yum, yum, this spaghetti
sure is good.
Belch.
BOTH:
Meatball, meatball,
spaghetti underneath!
Ravioli, ravioli,
Great Barrier Reef!
( clap )
Okay, now let's hear
that formula.
Sorry, no can do,
Mr. Krabs.
Wha-a-a-a-t?
But we did everything you said.
I followed all the rules.
I even ate 105 black licorice
jelly beans through a straw.
Now, why can't you tell me
the formula?
It's your rule...
never speak the formula.
You told me to keep it in...
this bottle.
( bell dings )
This is it, Plankton.
Gently, now.
( laughing mechanically )
( gasps )
( gasps )
( gasps )
Gasp!
How could you do this,
SpongeBob?
Giving me secret formula
to this... impostor?
Don't listen to him, SpongeBob.
Remember... ravioli,
ravioli, give me
the formuoli.
SpongeBob, no,
don't listen to him.
I'm the real Mr. Krabs.
Don't listen
to him, he's
obviously a robot.
( exhaust coughs )
Well, if I was a robot,
which I'm not,
at least I'm well put together,
not some rusted-out,
steam-driven pile of junk.
Who you calling "steam-driven"?
SPONGEBOB ( screaming ):
Quiet!
Until I know who the real
Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves,
nobody gets hurt.
BOTH:
Tartar sauce?!
Take it easy with that thing.
( screams )
I'll do the talking around here.
I think I'll just ask you two
a couple of questions;
questions only the real
Mr. Krabs could answer.
Okay, then.
First question: What time
does the Krusty Krab open?
9:30 a.m.
Right.
That's one strike,
"Mr. Fake."
But...
Duh-duh, I'm running
this quiz show
I'll ask the questions.
lf there's going
to be any "buts,"
they're going to be from me.
Okay, question number two:
How much does
a Krabby Patty cost?
$2.99.
On Wednesday.
99 cents.
Right again.
You're starting
to look pretty phony
right about now.
I'd be nervous if I were you.
Now, only the really real
Mr. Krabs can answer this:
If we're discussing
the secret formula
on the third Wednesday
in January,
and it's not raining outside
after we gargle with
vanilla pudding,
what do we do?
That's an easy one.
You just... just...
Let's see, if it's a...
If it's January with...
with vanilla pudding,
you... uh...
Pass.
( grunts )
Wait!
SpongeBob!
Give me another chance.
So long,
Imitation Krabs.
Bye-bye.
I knew it was you
all along, Mr. Krabs.
Here you go.
Thank you, Sponge-Dupe.
( mechanical laughter )
Don't forget your lucky penny.
( laughter continues )
Yoicks.
This must be your lucky day.
( laughs )
COMPUTER VOICE:
The self-destruct coin slot
has been activated.
Ten seconds till detonation.
"Coin-operated self-destruct"?
Not one of my better ideas.
( screaming ):
Help!!
( massive explosion )
( thud )
PLANKTON:
Ouch.
If that was Plankton...
Uh-oh.
KRABS:
Help...
Yah, Mr. Krabs!
Ooh, yum, yum.
Back, you hungry hand, back.
Help!
Gee, Mr. Krabs,
I'm sorry.
I thought you were a phony.
Hoo, that's okay,
me lad.
Long as the secret
formula's safe again.
However, that penny's
coming out of your paycheck.
( both laughing )
SPONGEBOB:
Really?