SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 11, Episode 19 - Patnocchio/ChefBob - full transcript

Are you ready, kids?

all:
Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

all:
Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!



♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

- all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

all:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

[tropical music]

♪ ♪

[calming music]

Greetings,
children of Bikini Bottom.



I am Karen,
the computer fairy.

[singing opera]

And I have a magical
tale to tell.

Once upon a time,
there was a dim-witted sea star

who was about to stuff
his fat face.

[grunts]

[humming]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

[laughs]

That idiot has such a huge
pile of patties.

I don't think he'll notice
if one walks away.

[laughs]

[chomping]

Aww, I need more ketchup.

[grunts]

Hmm, which patty to choose?

This one?
Nope, too small.

This one?
Nope, been chewed.

This one?
Nope, the seeds are missing.

Hmm.

[groans]

[screams]

[grunts]

[groans]
Stand up, you moron!

[shouting]

Get me an ice pack,
you idiot!

Where are you, voice?
Where are you?

- Uh, Patrick?
- [shouts]

Oh, it's you, SpongeBob.

I thought you were this crazy
voice that keeps telling me

what to do.

Oh, that's probably
your conscience.

What are "conscience"?
Are they bad?

No, a conscience is a tiny
voice inside you

that tells you the difference
between something that's right

- and something--
- [groans]

- That's wrong.
- Hmm.

So I should do what the voice
tells me to do?

Now that's a smart little
sea star.

[laughs]

[chewing]

[chuckles]

[slurping]

[groans]

Patrick, this is your
conscience speaking.

[groans]

Oh, nice to meet you, conscience.

So stupid.

So, stupid, the first thing
you need to do is buy some more

Krabby Patties on the double.
Hi-ya, hey-o!

That'll be the first thing
I do, conscience.

Yes!

Right after
I run some errands.

[quirky music]

- [groans]
- Huh?

No!
[grunts]

I'm calling the shots here.
Now get that Krabby Patty.

It's just a little list!
Please, conscience?

All right, pea brain.
Make it quick.

Number one:
high-five everyone!

- Huh!
- No, put me down first!

- Ow!
- High five!

- High five!
- [screams]

- Low five!
- [screams]

- High five!
- [groans]

- High five!
- [screams]

- High five!
- Ow!

- High five!
- [groans]

- High five!
- Ow!

[moaning]

[grunts]

[giggles]

[ragtime piano music]

♪ ♪

Number two:
Ice cream!

Yeah!
[waggles tongue]

One Double Chocolate
Molar Blowout, please.

One Molar Blowout,
coming up!

No! You hate ice cream.
You only want Krabby Patties.

[grunts]

Hey, you!
Cancel that order!

[groans]

[giggles]

- [grunts]
- [shouts]

Ow!

You hate high fives
and ice cream?

Are you sure
you're my conscience?

Uh, uh, I, uh--I'm absolutely
positively your conscience.

♪ ♪

Hey, doesn't your nose grow
when you tell lies

- in fairy tales?
- Nope.

Noses only grow when
you make up the truth.

- Ooh.
- See?

[laughs]
I wanna make up the truth too!

Uh, I ate a hot air balloon
for breakfast.

Mm.
I-I mean, um...

I did not eat a hot air balloon
for breakfast.

Hey, I got a big nose too!
Nose fight!

- En garde!
- [screaming]

- [grunts]
- Hey!

[both grunting]
[cheering]

Hooray!
[cheering]

[both grunting]

[shouting]

all: Uh-oh.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

both: Sorry.

[dramatic music]

[both shouting and groaning]

[quirky music]

Time to let your conscience
be your guide.

Give me that list!

[grunts]

[mutters]

- Here.
- Hey, only one errand left.

Gotta give a Plankton
a Krabby Patty!

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

[quirky music]

Wonder why I wanted to give
Plankton a patty?

Why not Plankton?
He's a sweetheart.

Huh?
[grunts]

And as your conscience,
I demand you toss that patty

in the mail slot!

Ooh, I love mail slot toss!

Hmm!

Not so hard!
Hmm?

Mm!

I've been wanting to hit
the beach all week.

[laughs]
all: Goo Lagoon!

- Goo Lagoon!
- Huh?

[groans]
Huh?

Ah!

Patrick, please promptly pursue
Plankton's patty.

Get the idea?

[groaning]

[groans]

[moaning]

How many planktons does it take
to change a light bulb?

[quirky music]

One.

Oh, now I get the idea!

♪ Ooh, gotta follow
that patty! ♪

[screams]
Ouch!

Wait for me,
you pink pinhead!

[groans]

[surf rock music]

Mmm.

- Ow.
- Ow!

Hey, watch it!

- Ow!
- [burps]

Huh?

[spitting]

[spits]

[snoring]

There's blubber mouth.

♪ ♪

[gulps]

There's Plankton's patty!

- You know what to do.
- Do I?

[grunts]

- Oh, yeah!
- [groans]

[grunts]
[shouting]

Huh?
[shouting]

Whoa!
[groans]

[moans]
Oh, well.

No patty for Plankton.
[cries]

[grunts]
I'm going in!

[grunting]

Ugh, just being near
a whale's mouth

- gives me the creeps.
- [grunts]

[shouts]

[screams]

Quiet, you fool!
You'll wake up Pearl.

[screams quietly]

[groans]

[gulps]
[snores]

[groans]
This is snug.

Mother always said I'd end up
in a whale's belly.

- Or prison.
- Hey, who-a goes-a there?

- Who goes where?
- The name's a-Geppetto.

Take off your hats.
Stay a while.

We don't have time
for a visit, old man.

We're just trying to find
our sandwich!

Sandwich?

No, I haven't seen
anything like that

around here in months.
[chuckles]

Huh?
[chuckles]

Hey, Geppetto,
what's that behind your back?

- Is that our Krabby Patty?
- Nope.

Oh!
[grunts]

[grunts]
Aha!

- I got the patty!
- Aha!

I got the wig!

Son, they're-a stealing
our food-a!

Who's stealing our food, Pop?

Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!

Get him, Pinocchio!

[all grunting]

[humming]

[all grunting]

Oh, no.
A stomachache at the beach?

That's no fun.
I wish it would go away.

- Hmm?
- Your wish is granted.

Hold out your hand.

[upbeat music]

Wow!
What is this?

For fast relief
of indigestion,

try Gush and Flush and wash
your pain down the drain.

And my stupid husband,
while you're at it.

[gulps]
Ah.

[groans]

[all shouting]

[groans]

[all screaming]

Thank you,
extra-strength Gush and Flush!

[giggles]

Pinocchio, we're-a free-a!
♪ Yeah! ♪

[snarls]

Huh?
[giggles]

Don't worry about the patty, Patrick.

I'll take it
to Plankton myself,

like a good little conscience.
See you.

[giggles]
[grunts]

- Oh, hey, Patrick.
- [grunts]

- My conscience?
- You are?

Yep, I'm Patrick's
conscience.

But I overslept.

Well, if you're my
conscience, Conscience,

- then who's that?
- It's a bug!

- Step on it!
- [groaning]

And they all lived
happily ever after.

So until next time,
this is--

- Karen!
- The computer fairy,

hoping all your dreams
come true.

[quirky music]

Let me at 'em, Pop.
Let me at 'em.

Let me at 'em, let me--
aww!

[swashbuckling music]

♪ ♪

[accordion music]

♪ ♪

[groaning]

You people are proof that
evolution can go in reverse!

all: [shushing]

[humming "Entrance
of the Gladiators"]

♪ ♪

Pew! Pew! Pew!

all: [oohing]

[humming]

♪ Ta-da! ♪

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Squidward,
why aren't these walking

- wallets spending money?
- [grunts]

Because they're too busy
watching SpongeBob cook.

- What?
- Ow!

[grunting]

[whistling]

Well, he's not exactly
maximerizing his work time

with those flourishes.

But boy, does that boyo
have talent.

[cheerful noises]

[grunts]

And talent is worth money.

[shouting]
[all scream]

[grunts]

[singing]

[quirky music]

[confused noises]
I have X-ray vision!

I can see through walls.

Calm your waters, lad.
I just knocked it down.

I--why'd you do that?

In the restaurant business,
it's called an open kitchen,

so the customers can watch
the cook cook.

Oh, Mr. Krabs,
I don't know if I can take

- that kind of pressure.
- Nonsense.

You're a born performer. Ooh.

Here.
[grunts and spits]

[marker squeaking]

You've even got
your own dressing room.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

[groans]

- [shouts]
- [moans]

[groans]
Come on, boyo, it's showtime.

[quirky music]

[groans]
I can't.

I've got stage fright.

SpongeBob, if you don't
come out, you're fired.

[groans]

- There he is!
- [grunts]

Chef Bob!

Me little star!

Break a leg.
Break two legs.

- My leg!
- Shut up, Fred.

[singing]

[cheers and applause]

all: [oohing]

[quirky music]

[all groaning]

What?

[giggles nervously]

That's just wrong!

[groaning]

Come on, boyo,
razzle-dazzle them!

- [groans]
- Huh?

Oh, what do I do?
What do I do?

Huh?
Oh.

♪ ♪

[groans]
Hmm?

♪ ♪

[cheering]

Hi, everybody!
Who's hungry?

[all groaning]

I guess I am.

Welcome, welcome to my job
in the kitchen of Chef Bob.

I cook and dance,
I wear square pants,

cooking for this hungry mob.

♪ Your order, please! ♪

[cheering]

The little Chef Bob
is a sensation.

[showy music]

[quirky music]

[murmuring]

Hi, everybody!
Who's hungry?

all: We are!

Yay!
[goofy noises]

[cheering]

Yah!
Yah!

[laughing]

Ah!
Huh? Huh?

- [goofy noises]
- [elated screaming]

Voila!

[quirky music]

♪ Ta-da! ♪

- [watch beeping]
- Oh, look at the time.

I gotta get home
and get my beauty sleep.

Oh, what died
on that guy's neck?

- Oh, it's his head.
- Huh?

Hey, what died on your neck?
Oh, it's your head.

[all laughing]

Why, that little plagiarist.
That was my line!

[laughs]

Obviously the sleep
hasn't been helping!

[laughs]

Did-did I say that?
I didn't say that.

[laughs]
Hey, do me.

- Insult me.
- All right.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,

I was born pretty,
what happened to you?

[laughs]
That was a good one.

Huh?
Whoa!

Chef Bob, we don't speak
like that to our customers.

Me next!
Shoot me a zinger!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't get that.

I don't speak goober!

[all laughing]

I love it.
Guilty as charged.

[laughs]

[quirky music]

[cheering]

Oh, great.
I've created a monster.

A funny, talented monster.

[laughing]

Oh, I gotta hand it to you.

That new insult comedy act is
really bringing in the money.

Hmm.

- Ah, what's this here?
- Sorry, Mr. Krabs.

It's a list of things Chef Bob
needs for his dressing room.

Oh, does he?

Fresh-cut seaweed,

a manicurist for SpongeBob's
puppet hand--What?

A bigger dressing room?

In the meantime, we'll just
take over your office,

- blubber boy.
- Blubber boy?

Huh?
Oh.

No way!
[grunting]

- [groans]
- What's the matter, Krabs?

- You don't like money?
- [groans]

What?
Of course I like money.

The office will be ready
in five minutes.

Chef Bob, I think your
insults are mean and hurtful.

What do you say we just go back
to the Krabby Patty routines,

- huh?
- Need I remind you that

my insults pay your salary?

Yes, sir.
I mean, no, sir.

Chef Bob, you stole my line.

I do all the insults
around here.

Oh, I am so sorry, Squidward.

You're absolutely right.

Um, oh, well, uh, thank you.

It's-it's-it's really
not such a big deal.

Let me make it up to you.
Hi, everybody!

I'd like to introduce you
to a very good friend of mine.

Squidward Tentacles!
[cheers and applause]

Huh?
Oh, no, please, please.

You're-you're too kind.

I was gonna ask Squidward
how old he was,

but then I remembered
he can't count that high.

Huh?

[laughter]

Hmm?
[growls]

All right, that's it!

You can't talk to Squidward
that way!

He is one of my best friends.

[quirky music]

That's even more insulting.

Get a load of him, folks!

He must've been born on a
highway because that's where

most accidents happen.
Yeah!

[clucking]
[laughter]

[shouting]

- Ow!
- Not funny!

[both shouting]

[laughter]

[shouting]

He scores!

[chattering]

- Have a drink!
- [gasping]

[gargling]

No, no!
[shouting]

[all oohing]

[rumbling]

[both shouting]

[exciting music]

En garde!

[both grunting]

[groaning]

[laughing]

[both groaning]

[all gasping]

[both grunting]

[screaming]

[both crying]

Oh! Ah! Ugh!

[all muttering]

Me customers!

[groans]

All right, enough of this.

[grunts]

Chef Bob,
you are hereby fired!

Mr. Squidward,
will you do the honors?

[quirky music]

Let me help you slip into
something more comfortable.

Like the gutter.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

I learned a very valuable
lesson today.

To always be yourself
and not hide behind a puppet?

Well, yeah, that, but mostly
don't slam your puppet hand

in a register drawer.

[both laughing]

[laughing]

Ow.

[screams]

both: What is it,
Mr. Squidward?

It's-it's alive!

And now it's time for...

"The Chef Bob
Cooking with Insults Show"!

And here's your host,
Chef Bob!

Hi, everybody!
Who's hungry?

[cheers and applause]

All right, roses are red,
violets are blue.

I was born pretty,
what happened to you?

[cheers and applause]

Yay, yeah!

[all groaning]

[tropical music]

♪ ♪