SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Naughty Nautical Neighbors/Boating School - full transcript
Naughty Nautical Neighbors: In order to get peace and quiet, Squidward plays a cruel joke on SpongeBob and Patrick which makes the two believe they are no longer friends. But the joke backfires on Squidward when SpongeBob and Patrick relentlessly compete with Squidward to be his new "best friend". To get relief, Squidward is forced to reunite the feuding SpongeBob and Patrick. Boating School: It's exam time again at Mrs. Puff's Boating School. SpongeBob, in his never ending quest to pass the boat driving section of the exam, turns to Patrick for help. The two come up with the brilliant idea of planting a walkie-talkie in SpongeBob's head so that Patrick can direct him from afar. All goes well until SpongeBob realizes he may be cheating!
ARE YOU READY, KIDS?
Kids:
AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
( louder ):
AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!
♪ OH... ♪
♪ WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE
UNDER THE SEA? ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ ABSORBENT AND YELLOW
AND POROUS IS HE. ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE
SOMETHING YOU WISH... ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS! ♪
♪ THEN DROP ON THE DECK
AND FLOP LIKE A FISH. ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ READY?
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
( laughs heartily )
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
( plays airy tune )
and NICKELODEON]
Squidward:
WOW!
SQUIDWARD, THIS IS THE BEST
SOUFFLE YOU HAVE EVER CREATED!
( smacks loudly )
OH! CONGRATULATIONS, CHEF.
( water running )
( faucet squeaks )
( brushing )
( gargling, then spits )
( someone giggles )
( chair squeaks )
( two voices giggling )
( whispering )
SpongeBob's bubble:
HI, PATRICK.
( laughs )
( inhales deeply )
( whispering huskily )
( pops )
Patrick:
HI, SPONGEBOB.
( laughs )
( grumbles )
( SpongeBob laughing )
PATRICK, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND
IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
( mumbling gibberish )
Squidward:
PATRICK, YOU ARE
THE DUMBEST IDIOT
IT HAS EVER BEEN
MY MISFORTUNE TO KNOW.
( mumbling gibberish )
Patrick:
DO YOU REALLY
THINK THAT, SPONGEBOB?
OF COURSE, PATRICK.
ANYONE WITH EYES COULD SEE THAT.
( bubble pops )
Patrick:
YEAH, WELL,
I THINK YOU'RE UGLY!
YELLOW IS UGLY!
( blows
a raspberry )
PATRICK, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Squidward:
SPONGEBOB
I NO LONGER
WISH TO KNOW YOU...
( gasping )
YOU GIVE BOTTOM DWELLERS
A BAD NAME.
( Squidward mumbling )
Squidward:
IF I HAD A DOLLAR
FOR EVERY BRAIN
YOU DON'T HAVE
I'D HAVE
ONE DOLLAR.
( laughing to himself )
Squidward:
HEY, PATRICK
I HEARD THERE
WAS A JOB OPENING
DOWN AT
THE PET SHOP...
AS SOME NEWSPAPER!
THAT MAKES YOU
A BIG DUMMY, YOU DUMMY!
YEAH, WELL, THAT MEANS
THAT, UH... SO ARE YOU!
RIGHT,
YOU'RE A TURKEY!
SpongeBob:
WHAT'S THAT?
Patrick:
IT'S WHAT YOU ARE!
WELL, YOU'RE
A BIGGER ONE.
WELL, YOU'RE
STILL YELLOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT
ELSE IS YELLOW?
WHAT?!
YOU ARE!
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT YOU CALL ME
BECAUSE I NEVER WANT
TO SEE YOU AGAIN ANYWAY!
( chomping loudly )
( door squeaks open )
AW, TARTAR SAUCE!
( slams )
( grunts )
( crash )
( laughing evilly )
( gagging and gulping )
( fork sproinging )
( whistle sliding upward )
( bell rings )
WHOA, SQUIDWARD, YOU'RE CHOKING!
OH... I KNOW
WHAT TO DO
BUT I SHOULD WASH
MY HANDS FIRST.
OH, WELL.
( inhaling deeply )
( exhaling )
( suckers popping )
( sputtering )
( spits )
I WIN!
WOW! PATRICK!
YOU SAVED ME.
I DID?
YEP.
YOU'RE A REAL
LIFESAVER, FRIEND.
FRIEND?
FRIEND!
EE...
YEAH, PATRICK
WE'RE FRIENDS.
JUST FRIENDS.
SO, WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO TONIGHT
BEST FRIEND?
WELL, I WAS
GOING TO PRACTICE
MY CLARINET SOLO.
CLARINET?
I LOVE MUSIC!
AW, WHO NEEDS THEM?
THEY'RE NO FUN ANYWAY,
RIGHT, GARY?
GARY?
( hollow knocks )
Squidward:
SQUIDWARD WILL BE
PERFORMING HIS VERSION
OF "SOLITUDE IN 'E' MINOR."
YEAH!
"E" MINOR, ALL RIGHT, YEAH!
( inhaling )
( begins playing )
( snoring )
AW, WHAT AM I WORRIED ABOUT?
I GOT PLENTY OF FRIENDS.
I CAN NAME THREE
RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
UH...
THE GANG'S ALL HERE.
OH!
( grunting and grumbling )
( something snaps )
OH, OH, MY BACK!
I THREW OUT MY BACK.
OH, BOY!
NOW'S MY CHANCE.
SPONGEBOB? NO, NO, STAY BACK!
DON'T WORRY, SQUIDWARD,
I'M COMING!
NO, NO, NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
HANG ON, I'LL SAVE YOU!
Squidward:
NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
HOLD ON!
NO! NO! GET AWAY!
( yelling )
( crack )
OW, I'M RUINED!
I... I... I...
I FEEL GREAT.
THANKS, SPONGEBOB.
YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND.
( trancelike ):
FRIEND...
NO, NO, NO! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
DON'T WORRY,
SQUIDDY OLD PAL.
THAT'S WHAT
FRIENDS ARE FOR.
SpongeBob:
SO DUMB PATRICK
FELL ASLEEP ON YOU, HUH?
SOME FRIEND!
A REAL FRIEND
WOULD PERFORM FOR YOU.
YOU PLAY?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'VE BEEN PLAYING
BASSINET FOR YEARS.
GIVE ME
AN "A," BUDDY.
( plays a note )
♪ SQUIDWARD IS MY BEST FRIEND
IN THE WORLD... ♪
( strings grating raucously )
♪ SQUIDWARD IS
MY BEST FRIEND IN THE SEA. ♪
( Squidward yells )
( grumbles )
♪ SQUIDWARD... ♪
♪ LIKES PATRICK
MORE THAN SPONGEBOB. ♪
♪ PATRICK IS A DIRTY,
STINKY, ROTTEN FRIEND,
SQUIDWARD! ♪
UM, I CAN FIX THIS.
( growling and grumbling )
( shout, thud )
SO, UH, I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW, SQUIDWARD.
CALL ME.
Squidward:
UGH! THAT WAS DISGUSTING!
FEEL LIKE I NEED
TO SCRUB MYSELF.
( screaming )
HEY, BUDDY,
I WARMED IT UP FOR YOU.
PATRICK, GET OUT!
AND PUT
SOME CLOTHES ON.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
SQUIDWARD?
( gasps )
OH, HO!
SO THIS IS
WHAT I FIND, HUH?!
MY BEST FRIEND
AND MY EX-BEST FRIEND
AND RUBBER BATH TOYS!
( both arguing at once )
( yells )
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING TO ME!
( door opens and closes )
SpongeBob and Patrick:
SQUIDWARD!
SpongeBob:
BUDDY!
Patrick:
SQUIDWARD, WHERE ARE YOU?
Squidward:
OH, THIS IS NUTS!
I NEED A PLAN TO GET
THOSE TWO BACK TOGETHER
AND OUT OF MY HAIR.
( doorbell rings )
( sniffs )
( fondly ):
SQUIDWARD!
A DINNER PARTY?
I'D LOVE TO!
( knocking at door )
DID YOU MISS ME?
COME ON IN.
YOU LOOK STUNNING.
I'D MUCH RATHER
DINE WITH YOU
THAN THAT LOUSY...
SAY, WHAT GIVES?!
I'M NOT SITTING
NEAR THAT MANIAC!
ME, NEITHER!
THIS WAS A SETUP.
I THOUGHT YOU TWO
WERE MY BEST FRIENDS.
I AM YOUR
BEST FRIEND.
I AM YOUR
BEST FRIEND.
WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME SODA, GUYS?
YES, PLEASE.
THANKS, FRIEND.
HOW ABOUT SOME
FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?
SpongeBob:
THANKS...
BEST FRIEND.
( gulping )
CAN I HAVE
SOME NOW, BUDDY?
WAIT!
I NEED SOME MORE.
I STILL
DIDN'T GET ANY.
THERE YOU GO.
MORE, PLEASE.
( gulping )
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
Squidward:
PATRICK, YOUR GLASS IS FULL.
OH, YEAH.
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SORRY, BOYS, I'M ALL OUT OF POP.
I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME MORE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
STAY HERE AND CHAT?
( whistling casually )
( hiccups )
( belches loudly )
( laughing )
( laughing )
( both laughing uproariously )
( creaking )
( laughter continuing )
( deep groan )
( crash )
I SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY
RIGHT NOW.
WHAT A SURPRISE...
I INVITED THEM IN
AND I LEFT THEM ALONE.
WELL, SQUIDWARD,
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?
GUESS WHAT, SQUIDWARD?
ME AND SPONGEBOB
ARE FRIENDS AGAIN.
BE FRIENDS SOMEWHERE ELSE.
DON'T YOU WANT US
TO HELP CLEAN UP?
NO! OUT!
PSST! I THINK
HE'S JEALOUS.
HOW PATHETIC.
( slams )
( pop )
( crash )
( Squidward groans )
OH, MY BACK!
( SpongeBob snoring )
( foghorn blares )
THIS IS IT, GARY.
( meows )
THE BIG BOATING EXAM IS TODAY.
I'VE NEVER FELT SO CAPABLE...!
I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY.
SQUIDWARD, SQUIDWARD...
WHAT?
I'M READY, SQUIDWARD.
Squidward:
READY TO MOVE?
NO, I'M READY TO PASS
MY BOATING TEST.
I'M READY, I'M READY,
I'M READY...
I'M READY-EADY-EADY-EADY
EADY-EADY-EADY-EADY, READY.
WELL, PAL, I WON'T BE
NEEDING YOU ANYMORE.
I'M READY, I'M READY,
I'M READY, OH, YEAH!
I'M READY!
( examinee whooping it up )
YES!
HEY, I JUST
GOT MY LICENSE.
HEY, I'M GETTING MINE NEXT.
HEY, I DOUBT IT.
OKAY.
SEE YOU ON THE ROAD.
I'M READY!
HERE I COME, MRS. PUFF.
I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY,
I'M READY, I'M READY.
( sighs )
I'M NOT READY.
HI, MRS. PUFF.
TODAY IS THE DAY
I PASS MY BOATING EXAM.
WE'LL SEE ABOUT
THAT, SPONGEBOB.
FIRST WE MUST...
FIRST I MUST PASS
THE ORAL EXAM.
I AM CONFIDENT I WILL
SUCCESSFULLY SUCCEED.
I KNOW.
OKAY, NUMBER ONE.
WHAT IS THE FRONT
OF THE BOAT?
THE BOW.
WHAT IS THE BACK?
STERN.
NUMBER THREE:
"RIGHT" IS...
STARBOARD.
PORT, SKIPPER,
DECK, CABIN
GALLEY,
KEEL, 1924.
YOU'VE PASSED THE ORAL TEST.
WHAT A SURPRISE!
NOW IT'S TIME TO ONCE AGAIN TAKE
THE DRIVING PORTION OF THE EXAM.
OKAY, SPONGEBOB.
GET IN THE BOAT.
OH, IN THIS BOAT, RIGHT HERE?
IS IT TIME ALREADY?
GET IN THE BOAT,
SPONGEBOB.
OH, YEAH,
ABSOLUTELY.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GET ON THE TRACK.
OKAY, SPONGEBOB, WHAT'S
THE FIRST THING YOU DO?
1924?
NO, NO.
FIRST THING IS
TO START THE BOAT.
( yelling )
SPONGEBOB!
SPONGEBOB, RELAX.
IT'S ONLY THE BOAT.
THE BOAT?
OKAY, NOW, WHAT
DO YOU DO NEXT?
FLOOR IT?
YES-- NO!
NO, DON'T FLOOR IT.
FLOOR IT?
NO, DON'T,
DON'T FLOOR IT!
OKAY, FLOOR IT.
NO, NO, NO!
( Mrs. Puff screaming )
( crash )
( inflating )
( crash )
( in deep voice ):
OH, SPONGEBOB... WHY?
I DON'T KNOW WHY, GARY.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M TIRED OF FAILING
THAT BOATING TEST.
I'VE ALREADY TAKEN IT 37 TIMES.
( meows )
OKAY, 38.
( meowing )
NO, GARY, I'M NOT WALKING.
Patrick:
SpongeBob, this is
Star Ranger, over.
WHAT IS IT, PATRICK?
I got a surprise for you.
OH, PATRICK,
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
Get out of bed.
OKAY, NOW WHAT, PATRICK?
Go to your closet
for a surprise.
OKAY, I'M AT THE CLOSET.
Listen carefully.
What's pink and square
at the same time?
I DON'T KNOW, PATRICK.
PATRICK SQUAREPANTS.
PAT, DON'T DO THAT.
I'VE GOT TOO MUCH
TO WORRY ABOUT.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I CAN'T PASS MY BOATING EXAM.
I'VE TAKEN IT 37...
( Gary meows )
38 TIMES.
I KNOW ALL
THE ANSWERS...
UNTIL I GET
BEHIND THE WHEEL.
I JUST NEED
SOMETHING
TO HELP ME
THINK STRAIGHT.
THINKING STRAIGHT IS WHAT I DO.
YOU DRIVE, AND I'LL DO
ALL THE THINKING FOR YOU.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT?
COME IN, SPONGEBOB.
HELLO.
Hello.
HEY, I CAN HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD.
THIS IS GREAT--
WHILE I'M TAKING THE TEST
YOU CAN GIVE ME ALL THE ANSWERS.
WAIT A MINUTE, PATRICK.
WON'T I LOOK SILLY WITH THIS
ANTENNA COMING OUT OF MY HEAD?
Pat to Sponge, Pat to Sponge,
testing, testing.
TESTING, TESTING, TESTING,
TESTING, TESTING
testing, testing!
( yells )
Test, test! Do you read?
SPONGE TO PAT, I READ YOU
LOUD AND CLEAR, OVER.
GOT YOUR APPLE READY?
LUCKY UNDERGARMENTS?
Hold on, hold on...
Bingo!
Underwear, apple and me.
You're ready
to get that license.
Oh-oh, here comes Mrs. Puff.
Act natural.
( mooing like cow )
No, no... get in the boat.
( siren approaches )
Give her the apple.
HERE YOU GO,
MA'AM.
LET'S GET THIS
OVER WITH.
( breathes deeply )
WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU DO?
I...
Start the boat.
( motor starts )
( yelling )
MRS. PUFF.
MRS. PUFF!
WHOA!
HUH? WHAT?
IT'S OKAY, IT'S
ONLY THE BOAT.
THE BOAT!
YOU STARTED THE BOAT?
I... I THINK SO.
OH.
WELL...
WHAT'S THE SECOND THING YOU DO?
1924?
No, no... put it in drive.
PUT IT IN DRIVE?
YES, YES, YES!
PUT IT IN DRIVE!
THEN WHAT?
FLOOR IT?
NO, NO!
Freeze, mister.
BIG TOE.
OH, GRACIOUS.
OH, GRACIOUS!
( laughing nervously )
WE HAVEN'T CRASHED YET.
OKAY, YOU'RE COMING
to your first turn.
OH, NO, THE FIRST TURN.
PLEASE, TELL ME
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
AT THE FIRST TURN.
Left.
Right!
OH, MY, THIS IS
SPLENDID, SPONGEBOB.
YOU'RE DOING FINE.
( no voice )
Mrs. Puff:
SPLENDID!
( laughing )
WONDERFUL.
THERE'S
THE FINISH LINE.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU'VE SHOWN THE MOST
SPECTACULAR IMPROVEMENT
OF ANY STUDENT
I'VE EVER SEEN.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET--
A LITTLE RADIO
IN YOUR HEAD?
( laughing )
( laughing )
OH, AND UNDER
THAT HAT
IS SOME KIND
OF ANTENNA?
( laughing )
( laughing )
AND SOME GUY MILES
AWAY FROM HERE
IS GIVING YOU
ALL THE ANSWERS.
( laughing )
( laughing uproariously )
OH, YES...
BUT THAT WOULD
BE CHEATING.
( Patrick laughs uproariously )
Aha! cheating!
( Patrick laughing loudly )
I'M CHEATING?
MRS. PUFF?
YES, MY STAR PUPIL.
I THINK I'M CHEATING.
WHAT'S THAT, DEAR?
I THINK
I AM CHEATING!
YOU... YOU'VE LET
GO OF THE WHEEL.
I DO HAVE AN ANTENNA
UNDER MY HAT.
THERE IS A GUY
GIVING ME
ALL THE ANSWERS.
IT'S ALL TRUE.
I'M CHEATING,
I'M CHEATING.
I'M CHEATING.
WHAT?
( sobbing mournfully )
I'M SORRY,
MRS. PUFF.
I'M SORRY.
THE WHEEL, SPONGEBOB.
THE WHEEL.
SpongeBob:
CHEATING!
I'M A CHEATER.
NO, NO, NO!
Mrs. Puff:
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
YOU CAN CHEAT.
SpongeBob:
I'M CHEATING.
Mrs. Puff:
THAT WAY,
SPONGEBOB.
I'M CHEATING.
Mrs. Puff:
CHEAT THAT WAY!
"CHEATER, CHEATER
PUMPKIN EATER."
Mrs. Puff:
IT'S OKAY, JUST...
SpongeBob:
NO!
THAT WAY! THAT WAY!
CHEAT THAT WAY!
SpongeBob:
CHEATER!
( crash )
( inflating )
OH, SPONGEBOB.
WHY?
MRS. PUFF?
I THINK I CHEATED.
Man:
MY LEG!
I'M SORRY FOR LETTING
YOU DOWN AGAIN, MRS. PUFF.
IT'S OKAY,
SPONGEBOB.
YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT.
OKAY, BOYS, TAKE ME AWAY.
( grunts )
DON'T WORRY, MRS. PUFF.
I'LL TRY HARDER NEXT SEMESTER.
( sobbing )
IT'LL BE GREAT!
ONLY NOW I DON'T EVEN
HAVE MY BIKE.
( Gary meows )
GARY!
MY BIKE!
YOU'VE FOUND IT.
THIS SPONGE IS STILL MOBILE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO SURPRISE
SOMEONE AT THE HOSPITAL.
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and NICKELODEON]
[Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation]
Kids:
AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
( louder ):
AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!
♪ OH... ♪
♪ WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE
UNDER THE SEA? ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ ABSORBENT AND YELLOW
AND POROUS IS HE. ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE
SOMETHING YOU WISH... ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS! ♪
♪ THEN DROP ON THE DECK
AND FLOP LIKE A FISH. ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ READY?
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪
( laughs heartily )
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
( plays airy tune )
and NICKELODEON]
Squidward:
WOW!
SQUIDWARD, THIS IS THE BEST
SOUFFLE YOU HAVE EVER CREATED!
( smacks loudly )
OH! CONGRATULATIONS, CHEF.
( water running )
( faucet squeaks )
( brushing )
( gargling, then spits )
( someone giggles )
( chair squeaks )
( two voices giggling )
( whispering )
SpongeBob's bubble:
HI, PATRICK.
( laughs )
( inhales deeply )
( whispering huskily )
( pops )
Patrick:
HI, SPONGEBOB.
( laughs )
( grumbles )
( SpongeBob laughing )
PATRICK, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND
IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
( mumbling gibberish )
Squidward:
PATRICK, YOU ARE
THE DUMBEST IDIOT
IT HAS EVER BEEN
MY MISFORTUNE TO KNOW.
( mumbling gibberish )
Patrick:
DO YOU REALLY
THINK THAT, SPONGEBOB?
OF COURSE, PATRICK.
ANYONE WITH EYES COULD SEE THAT.
( bubble pops )
Patrick:
YEAH, WELL,
I THINK YOU'RE UGLY!
YELLOW IS UGLY!
( blows
a raspberry )
PATRICK, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Squidward:
SPONGEBOB
I NO LONGER
WISH TO KNOW YOU...
( gasping )
YOU GIVE BOTTOM DWELLERS
A BAD NAME.
( Squidward mumbling )
Squidward:
IF I HAD A DOLLAR
FOR EVERY BRAIN
YOU DON'T HAVE
I'D HAVE
ONE DOLLAR.
( laughing to himself )
Squidward:
HEY, PATRICK
I HEARD THERE
WAS A JOB OPENING
DOWN AT
THE PET SHOP...
AS SOME NEWSPAPER!
THAT MAKES YOU
A BIG DUMMY, YOU DUMMY!
YEAH, WELL, THAT MEANS
THAT, UH... SO ARE YOU!
RIGHT,
YOU'RE A TURKEY!
SpongeBob:
WHAT'S THAT?
Patrick:
IT'S WHAT YOU ARE!
WELL, YOU'RE
A BIGGER ONE.
WELL, YOU'RE
STILL YELLOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT
ELSE IS YELLOW?
WHAT?!
YOU ARE!
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT YOU CALL ME
BECAUSE I NEVER WANT
TO SEE YOU AGAIN ANYWAY!
( chomping loudly )
( door squeaks open )
AW, TARTAR SAUCE!
( slams )
( grunts )
( crash )
( laughing evilly )
( gagging and gulping )
( fork sproinging )
( whistle sliding upward )
( bell rings )
WHOA, SQUIDWARD, YOU'RE CHOKING!
OH... I KNOW
WHAT TO DO
BUT I SHOULD WASH
MY HANDS FIRST.
OH, WELL.
( inhaling deeply )
( exhaling )
( suckers popping )
( sputtering )
( spits )
I WIN!
WOW! PATRICK!
YOU SAVED ME.
I DID?
YEP.
YOU'RE A REAL
LIFESAVER, FRIEND.
FRIEND?
FRIEND!
EE...
YEAH, PATRICK
WE'RE FRIENDS.
JUST FRIENDS.
SO, WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO TONIGHT
BEST FRIEND?
WELL, I WAS
GOING TO PRACTICE
MY CLARINET SOLO.
CLARINET?
I LOVE MUSIC!
AW, WHO NEEDS THEM?
THEY'RE NO FUN ANYWAY,
RIGHT, GARY?
GARY?
( hollow knocks )
Squidward:
SQUIDWARD WILL BE
PERFORMING HIS VERSION
OF "SOLITUDE IN 'E' MINOR."
YEAH!
"E" MINOR, ALL RIGHT, YEAH!
( inhaling )
( begins playing )
( snoring )
AW, WHAT AM I WORRIED ABOUT?
I GOT PLENTY OF FRIENDS.
I CAN NAME THREE
RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
UH...
THE GANG'S ALL HERE.
OH!
( grunting and grumbling )
( something snaps )
OH, OH, MY BACK!
I THREW OUT MY BACK.
OH, BOY!
NOW'S MY CHANCE.
SPONGEBOB? NO, NO, STAY BACK!
DON'T WORRY, SQUIDWARD,
I'M COMING!
NO, NO, NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
HANG ON, I'LL SAVE YOU!
Squidward:
NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!
HOLD ON!
NO! NO! GET AWAY!
( yelling )
( crack )
OW, I'M RUINED!
I... I... I...
I FEEL GREAT.
THANKS, SPONGEBOB.
YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND.
( trancelike ):
FRIEND...
NO, NO, NO! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
DON'T WORRY,
SQUIDDY OLD PAL.
THAT'S WHAT
FRIENDS ARE FOR.
SpongeBob:
SO DUMB PATRICK
FELL ASLEEP ON YOU, HUH?
SOME FRIEND!
A REAL FRIEND
WOULD PERFORM FOR YOU.
YOU PLAY?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'VE BEEN PLAYING
BASSINET FOR YEARS.
GIVE ME
AN "A," BUDDY.
( plays a note )
♪ SQUIDWARD IS MY BEST FRIEND
IN THE WORLD... ♪
( strings grating raucously )
♪ SQUIDWARD IS
MY BEST FRIEND IN THE SEA. ♪
( Squidward yells )
( grumbles )
♪ SQUIDWARD... ♪
♪ LIKES PATRICK
MORE THAN SPONGEBOB. ♪
♪ PATRICK IS A DIRTY,
STINKY, ROTTEN FRIEND,
SQUIDWARD! ♪
UM, I CAN FIX THIS.
( growling and grumbling )
( shout, thud )
SO, UH, I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW, SQUIDWARD.
CALL ME.
Squidward:
UGH! THAT WAS DISGUSTING!
FEEL LIKE I NEED
TO SCRUB MYSELF.
( screaming )
HEY, BUDDY,
I WARMED IT UP FOR YOU.
PATRICK, GET OUT!
AND PUT
SOME CLOTHES ON.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
SQUIDWARD?
( gasps )
OH, HO!
SO THIS IS
WHAT I FIND, HUH?!
MY BEST FRIEND
AND MY EX-BEST FRIEND
AND RUBBER BATH TOYS!
( both arguing at once )
( yells )
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING TO ME!
( door opens and closes )
SpongeBob and Patrick:
SQUIDWARD!
SpongeBob:
BUDDY!
Patrick:
SQUIDWARD, WHERE ARE YOU?
Squidward:
OH, THIS IS NUTS!
I NEED A PLAN TO GET
THOSE TWO BACK TOGETHER
AND OUT OF MY HAIR.
( doorbell rings )
( sniffs )
( fondly ):
SQUIDWARD!
A DINNER PARTY?
I'D LOVE TO!
( knocking at door )
DID YOU MISS ME?
COME ON IN.
YOU LOOK STUNNING.
I'D MUCH RATHER
DINE WITH YOU
THAN THAT LOUSY...
SAY, WHAT GIVES?!
I'M NOT SITTING
NEAR THAT MANIAC!
ME, NEITHER!
THIS WAS A SETUP.
I THOUGHT YOU TWO
WERE MY BEST FRIENDS.
I AM YOUR
BEST FRIEND.
I AM YOUR
BEST FRIEND.
WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME SODA, GUYS?
YES, PLEASE.
THANKS, FRIEND.
HOW ABOUT SOME
FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND?
SpongeBob:
THANKS...
BEST FRIEND.
( gulping )
CAN I HAVE
SOME NOW, BUDDY?
WAIT!
I NEED SOME MORE.
I STILL
DIDN'T GET ANY.
THERE YOU GO.
MORE, PLEASE.
( gulping )
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
Squidward:
PATRICK, YOUR GLASS IS FULL.
OH, YEAH.
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
HEY, SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD!
SORRY, BOYS, I'M ALL OUT OF POP.
I'M GOING TO GO GET SOME MORE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
STAY HERE AND CHAT?
( whistling casually )
( hiccups )
( belches loudly )
( laughing )
( laughing )
( both laughing uproariously )
( creaking )
( laughter continuing )
( deep groan )
( crash )
I SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY
RIGHT NOW.
WHAT A SURPRISE...
I INVITED THEM IN
AND I LEFT THEM ALONE.
WELL, SQUIDWARD,
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?
GUESS WHAT, SQUIDWARD?
ME AND SPONGEBOB
ARE FRIENDS AGAIN.
BE FRIENDS SOMEWHERE ELSE.
DON'T YOU WANT US
TO HELP CLEAN UP?
NO! OUT!
PSST! I THINK
HE'S JEALOUS.
HOW PATHETIC.
( slams )
( pop )
( crash )
( Squidward groans )
OH, MY BACK!
( SpongeBob snoring )
( foghorn blares )
THIS IS IT, GARY.
( meows )
THE BIG BOATING EXAM IS TODAY.
I'VE NEVER FELT SO CAPABLE...!
I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY.
SQUIDWARD, SQUIDWARD...
WHAT?
I'M READY, SQUIDWARD.
Squidward:
READY TO MOVE?
NO, I'M READY TO PASS
MY BOATING TEST.
I'M READY, I'M READY,
I'M READY...
I'M READY-EADY-EADY-EADY
EADY-EADY-EADY-EADY, READY.
WELL, PAL, I WON'T BE
NEEDING YOU ANYMORE.
I'M READY, I'M READY,
I'M READY, OH, YEAH!
I'M READY!
( examinee whooping it up )
YES!
HEY, I JUST
GOT MY LICENSE.
HEY, I'M GETTING MINE NEXT.
HEY, I DOUBT IT.
OKAY.
SEE YOU ON THE ROAD.
I'M READY!
HERE I COME, MRS. PUFF.
I'M READY, I'M READY, I'M READY,
I'M READY, I'M READY.
( sighs )
I'M NOT READY.
HI, MRS. PUFF.
TODAY IS THE DAY
I PASS MY BOATING EXAM.
WE'LL SEE ABOUT
THAT, SPONGEBOB.
FIRST WE MUST...
FIRST I MUST PASS
THE ORAL EXAM.
I AM CONFIDENT I WILL
SUCCESSFULLY SUCCEED.
I KNOW.
OKAY, NUMBER ONE.
WHAT IS THE FRONT
OF THE BOAT?
THE BOW.
WHAT IS THE BACK?
STERN.
NUMBER THREE:
"RIGHT" IS...
STARBOARD.
PORT, SKIPPER,
DECK, CABIN
GALLEY,
KEEL, 1924.
YOU'VE PASSED THE ORAL TEST.
WHAT A SURPRISE!
NOW IT'S TIME TO ONCE AGAIN TAKE
THE DRIVING PORTION OF THE EXAM.
OKAY, SPONGEBOB.
GET IN THE BOAT.
OH, IN THIS BOAT, RIGHT HERE?
IS IT TIME ALREADY?
GET IN THE BOAT,
SPONGEBOB.
OH, YEAH,
ABSOLUTELY.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GET ON THE TRACK.
OKAY, SPONGEBOB, WHAT'S
THE FIRST THING YOU DO?
1924?
NO, NO.
FIRST THING IS
TO START THE BOAT.
( yelling )
SPONGEBOB!
SPONGEBOB, RELAX.
IT'S ONLY THE BOAT.
THE BOAT?
OKAY, NOW, WHAT
DO YOU DO NEXT?
FLOOR IT?
YES-- NO!
NO, DON'T FLOOR IT.
FLOOR IT?
NO, DON'T,
DON'T FLOOR IT!
OKAY, FLOOR IT.
NO, NO, NO!
( Mrs. Puff screaming )
( crash )
( inflating )
( crash )
( in deep voice ):
OH, SPONGEBOB... WHY?
I DON'T KNOW WHY, GARY.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M TIRED OF FAILING
THAT BOATING TEST.
I'VE ALREADY TAKEN IT 37 TIMES.
( meows )
OKAY, 38.
( meowing )
NO, GARY, I'M NOT WALKING.
Patrick:
SpongeBob, this is
Star Ranger, over.
WHAT IS IT, PATRICK?
I got a surprise for you.
OH, PATRICK,
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
Get out of bed.
OKAY, NOW WHAT, PATRICK?
Go to your closet
for a surprise.
OKAY, I'M AT THE CLOSET.
Listen carefully.
What's pink and square
at the same time?
I DON'T KNOW, PATRICK.
PATRICK SQUAREPANTS.
PAT, DON'T DO THAT.
I'VE GOT TOO MUCH
TO WORRY ABOUT.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I CAN'T PASS MY BOATING EXAM.
I'VE TAKEN IT 37...
( Gary meows )
38 TIMES.
I KNOW ALL
THE ANSWERS...
UNTIL I GET
BEHIND THE WHEEL.
I JUST NEED
SOMETHING
TO HELP ME
THINK STRAIGHT.
THINKING STRAIGHT IS WHAT I DO.
YOU DRIVE, AND I'LL DO
ALL THE THINKING FOR YOU.
HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT?
COME IN, SPONGEBOB.
HELLO.
Hello.
HEY, I CAN HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD.
THIS IS GREAT--
WHILE I'M TAKING THE TEST
YOU CAN GIVE ME ALL THE ANSWERS.
WAIT A MINUTE, PATRICK.
WON'T I LOOK SILLY WITH THIS
ANTENNA COMING OUT OF MY HEAD?
Pat to Sponge, Pat to Sponge,
testing, testing.
TESTING, TESTING, TESTING,
TESTING, TESTING
testing, testing!
( yells )
Test, test! Do you read?
SPONGE TO PAT, I READ YOU
LOUD AND CLEAR, OVER.
GOT YOUR APPLE READY?
LUCKY UNDERGARMENTS?
Hold on, hold on...
Bingo!
Underwear, apple and me.
You're ready
to get that license.
Oh-oh, here comes Mrs. Puff.
Act natural.
( mooing like cow )
No, no... get in the boat.
( siren approaches )
Give her the apple.
HERE YOU GO,
MA'AM.
LET'S GET THIS
OVER WITH.
( breathes deeply )
WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU DO?
I...
Start the boat.
( motor starts )
( yelling )
MRS. PUFF.
MRS. PUFF!
WHOA!
HUH? WHAT?
IT'S OKAY, IT'S
ONLY THE BOAT.
THE BOAT!
YOU STARTED THE BOAT?
I... I THINK SO.
OH.
WELL...
WHAT'S THE SECOND THING YOU DO?
1924?
No, no... put it in drive.
PUT IT IN DRIVE?
YES, YES, YES!
PUT IT IN DRIVE!
THEN WHAT?
FLOOR IT?
NO, NO!
Freeze, mister.
BIG TOE.
OH, GRACIOUS.
OH, GRACIOUS!
( laughing nervously )
WE HAVEN'T CRASHED YET.
OKAY, YOU'RE COMING
to your first turn.
OH, NO, THE FIRST TURN.
PLEASE, TELL ME
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
AT THE FIRST TURN.
Left.
Right!
OH, MY, THIS IS
SPLENDID, SPONGEBOB.
YOU'RE DOING FINE.
( no voice )
Mrs. Puff:
SPLENDID!
( laughing )
WONDERFUL.
THERE'S
THE FINISH LINE.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU'VE SHOWN THE MOST
SPECTACULAR IMPROVEMENT
OF ANY STUDENT
I'VE EVER SEEN.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET--
A LITTLE RADIO
IN YOUR HEAD?
( laughing )
( laughing )
OH, AND UNDER
THAT HAT
IS SOME KIND
OF ANTENNA?
( laughing )
( laughing )
AND SOME GUY MILES
AWAY FROM HERE
IS GIVING YOU
ALL THE ANSWERS.
( laughing )
( laughing uproariously )
OH, YES...
BUT THAT WOULD
BE CHEATING.
( Patrick laughs uproariously )
Aha! cheating!
( Patrick laughing loudly )
I'M CHEATING?
MRS. PUFF?
YES, MY STAR PUPIL.
I THINK I'M CHEATING.
WHAT'S THAT, DEAR?
I THINK
I AM CHEATING!
YOU... YOU'VE LET
GO OF THE WHEEL.
I DO HAVE AN ANTENNA
UNDER MY HAT.
THERE IS A GUY
GIVING ME
ALL THE ANSWERS.
IT'S ALL TRUE.
I'M CHEATING,
I'M CHEATING.
I'M CHEATING.
WHAT?
( sobbing mournfully )
I'M SORRY,
MRS. PUFF.
I'M SORRY.
THE WHEEL, SPONGEBOB.
THE WHEEL.
SpongeBob:
CHEATING!
I'M A CHEATER.
NO, NO, NO!
Mrs. Puff:
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
YOU CAN CHEAT.
SpongeBob:
I'M CHEATING.
Mrs. Puff:
THAT WAY,
SPONGEBOB.
I'M CHEATING.
Mrs. Puff:
CHEAT THAT WAY!
"CHEATER, CHEATER
PUMPKIN EATER."
Mrs. Puff:
IT'S OKAY, JUST...
SpongeBob:
NO!
THAT WAY! THAT WAY!
CHEAT THAT WAY!
SpongeBob:
CHEATER!
( crash )
( inflating )
OH, SPONGEBOB.
WHY?
MRS. PUFF?
I THINK I CHEATED.
Man:
MY LEG!
I'M SORRY FOR LETTING
YOU DOWN AGAIN, MRS. PUFF.
IT'S OKAY,
SPONGEBOB.
YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT.
OKAY, BOYS, TAKE ME AWAY.
( grunts )
DON'T WORRY, MRS. PUFF.
I'LL TRY HARDER NEXT SEMESTER.
( sobbing )
IT'LL BE GREAT!
ONLY NOW I DON'T EVEN
HAVE MY BIKE.
( Gary meows )
GARY!
MY BIKE!
YOU'VE FOUND IT.
THIS SPONGE IS STILL MOBILE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO SURPRISE
SOMEONE AT THE HOSPITAL.
[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and NICKELODEON]
[Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation]