SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Valentine's Day/The Paper - full transcript

ARE YOU READY, KIDS?

Kids:
AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

( louder ):
AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

♪ OH... ♪

♪ WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE
UNDER THE SEA? ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪

♪ ABSORBENT AND YELLOW
AND POROUS IS HE. ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪

♪ IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE
SOMETHING YOU WISH... ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪



♪ THEN DROP ON THE DECK
AND FLOP LIKE A FISH. ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪

♪ READY?
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! ♪

( laughs heartily )

[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
( plays airy tune )

and NICKELODEON]

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY,
BIKINI BOTTOM!

( crash )

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY,
SPONGEBOB.

I'M NUTS FOR YOU.

WELL, I'M BUBBLES
FOR YOU, SANDY.



MMM, CHOCOLATE.

MIGHTY TASTY.

PATRICK'S GOING TO LOVE
THE ONE YOU MADE FOR HIM.

TAKE ME THROUGH
THE PLAN AGAIN.

OKAY.

STEP ONE: PATRICK AND I GET TO
THE VALENTINE'S DAY CARNIVAL.

STEP TWO: I POSITION
PATRICK AND MYSELF
ON TOP OF THE FERRIS WHEEL.

STEP THREE: YOU ARRIVE
AT DESIGNATED CHECKPOINT
FOR MAXIMUM VISUAL CONTACT.

STEP FOUR: PATRICK IS THRILLED.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

( grunting... )

HI, PATRICK.

HELLO?

PATRICK,
IT'S ME, SPONGEBOB.

SPONGEBOB, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN THERE?

PATRICK!

OH MY GOSH! SPONGE...

SPONGEBOB IS STUCK
INSIDE THIS ROCK.

OH, HOLD ON, BUDDY!

I'LL GET YOU OUT!

SPONGEBOB?
SPONGEBOB?

PATRICK!

SPONGEBOB!

( weeping ):
SPONGEBOB...!

PATRICK, I'M RIGHT
BEHIND YOU.

THERE YOU ARE.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

HERE'S YOUR PRESENT.

AND I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU.

YOU DO?

IT'S THE GREATEST...

OH...!

THE BESTEST...

OH...!

THE MOST FANTABULOUS...

OH...!

...PRESENT EVER!

OH... OOH... OH...!

BUT YOU CAN'T
HAVE IT YET.

HUH? WHY NOT?

'CAUSE IT'S NOT READY YET.

IS IT READY NOW?
NOT YET.

HOW ABOUT NOW?

DO YOU WANT TO
RUIN THE SURPRISE?

YES!

UH-UH-UH.

COME ON, PLEASE.

HMM...

NOPE, SORRY.

YOU GOT TO TELL ME!

NO CAN DO. ( laughs )

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.

PLEASE...!

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME...
PLEASE!

OKAY, PATRICK,
HERE WE ARE.

( gasps )
YOU GOT ME A CARNIVAL?!

MINE!

ALL MINE, MINE, MINE.

MINE, MINE, MINE.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY OUT!

THIS IS MY CARNIVAL!

IT'S NOT THE CARNIVAL.

OH.

HERE, TAKE THIS QUARTER AND...

OH MY GOSH, A QUARTER!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A QUARTER.

IT'S NOT THE QUARTER.

OH.

NOW, TAKE THAT QUARTER

AND BUY SOME COTTON CANDY.

COTTON CANDY,
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

COTTON CANDY!

Man:
GET AWAY.

Sandy to SpongeBob...

Sandy to SpongeBob.

Come in, SpongeBob.

TEN-FOUR, SANDY, SPONGEBOB HERE.

I GOT A VISUAL...
WANT ME TO BRING HER IN?

OH, NOT YET, SANDY.

PATRICK'S STILL TRYING TO GUESS
WHAT HIS VALENTINE IS.

You are such a kidder.
Sandy out.

THAT SPONGEBOB.

( clattering )

SCALLOPS.

CHOCOLATE-EATING SCALLOPS!

SO, IF IT'S NOT
COTTON CANDY,
THEN WHAT IS IT?

I CAN'T TAKE IT!

YOU'LL HAVE TO GUESS.

THIS TENT.

NO.

THIS GUY?

NO.

THIS PARAMECIUM?

( laughs ) NOPE.

( chuckles )

YOU'RE A SLY ONE.

I CAN'T FIND IT
HERE IN THE CARNIVAL

BECAUSE IT'S ON TOP
OF MOUNT CLIMB-UP-
AND-FALL-OFF!

( panting... )

( screams )

IT WASN'T THERE,
EITHER.

ARE YOU SURE?

UH...
( panting )

Sandy to Spongebob.

SPONGEBOB TO SANDY.

YOU CAN BRING IT IN NOW.

SPONGEBOB, WE'VE GOT
A LITTLE PROBLEM.

I GOT A PACK OF
CHOCOLATE-EATING SCALLOPS
TRYING TO RUSTLE THE BALLOON.

GET AWAY,
YOU SWEET-TOOTHED VARMINTS!

( yelling )

I'm going to be a little late.

LATE?

BUT WHAT ABOUT...

( screams )

PATRICK?

( yelling )

Take him up
to the Ferris Wheel

and I'll meet you there.

Sandy out. ( yelling )

IF PATRICK DOESN'T GET
HIS VALENTINE...

I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S NOT UP
THERE, SPONGEBOB!
( screams )

PATRICK! ACTUALLY
IT'S ON THE FERRIS...

FERRIS WHEEL!

( panting... )

I'M READY FOR THE GREATEST
VALENTINE PRESENT

IN THE WHOLE WORLD NOW,
SPONGEBOB.

WELL, THIS IS WHERE
YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT...
I HOPE.

JUST KEEP LOOKING
OUT THERE, PAL.

OH... OOH...

SPONGEBOB TO SANDY,
SPONGEBOB TO SANDY.

Come in, Sandy.

SANDY TO SPONGEBOB.

I GOT MY OX IN A HITCH HERE.

I'M WAY OFF COURSE.

( yelling )

THE SCALLOPS ARE
EATING THE BALLOON!

( yelling )

THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

HUH?

OH, SHOOT!

WE'RE GOING DOWN, SPONGEBOB.

SWITCH TO PLAN B.

NO B, SANDY, NO B. NO!

OH...

UH, PATRICK,
YOU KNOW HOW

SOMETIMES YOU PLAN
SOMETHING SPECIAL

AND THINGS JUST
DON'T WORK OUT?

NO, NO... OH, GEE...

OH, HOLY MACKEREL.

IS IT HOT UP HERE
OR WHAT?!

VALENTINE, VALENTINE...

HUH? NO...
NO, PATRICK!

Patrick:
VALENTINE, VALENTINE,
VALENTINE...

VALENTINE, VALENTINE...

PATRICK, DON'T!

( grunting and yelling )

PATRICK! HERE IT IS!

WHAT'S THAT?

A HANDSHAKE,
A FRIENDLY HANDSHAKE.

A HANDSHAKE?

THAT'S THE BIG GIFT?

YOU GOT ME A HANDSHAKE?

A FRIENDLY HANDSHAKE.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

( laughs nervously )

( sighs deeply )

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

AT FIRST A HANDSHAKE
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE MUCH

BUT... REALLY IT'S
THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

HEY, SPONGEBOB,
I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR THIS BOX OF CHOCOLATES.

UH, NO PROBLEM, FRAN.

I MEAN, EVEN THOUGH
I WAS EXPECTING MORE...

THANKS FOR THE ROSES,
SPONGEBOB.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

YOU TOO, DAVE.

NOT THAT IT MATTERS THAT WE'VE
BEEN FRIENDS FOR SO LONG...

HEY, SPONGEBOB,
THANKS FOR
THE BIKE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE
THIS GUY?

I JUST MET HIM
THIS MORNING.

SO, AS I WAS SAYING...

EXCUSE ME, DO YOU GUYS
HAVE THE TIME?

( screaming )

OOH, PATRICK
NEEDS LOVE, TOO!

OOH...!

( panting, yelling
and screaming... )

( yelling )

I DEFY YOU, HEART MAN!

( screaming )

Attention, everyone.

There's a chubby pink starfish
on the loose!

( all screaming )

( gibbering... )

HEART ON STICK MUST DIE!

( screaming )

( grunting and screaming... )

( panting... )

HEART ON STICK MUST DIE!

( screaming )

( munching )

( gasps ) PATRICK!

( gibbering )

( all scream )

( howling )

GIVE ME SPONGEBOB!

( laughs nervously )

YOU BROKE MY HEART!

NOW I'M GOING TO BREAK
SOMETHING OF YOURS!

OKAY, PATRICK, I KNOW
I DESERVE THIS, BUT DO THEY?

THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME
ANYTHING, EITHER.

NOPE, IT'S TOO LATE
FOR THAT NOW...

FOR ALL OF YOU.

( growling... )

( screaming )

YEE-HA!

GET ALONG, LITTLE SHELLFISH.

GIDDAP, YOU SCALLOPS!

SpongeBob:
YEAH, SANDY'S HERE!

WHOO-HOO! LOOK, PATRICK,
IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE!

THE BEST VALENTINE IN THE WHOLE
WIDE WORLD IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

SURE IT IS.

I'M TELLING YOU IT'S
RIGHT THERE. TURN AROUND!

UH-UH.

PATRICK, TURN AROUND.

All:
TURN AROUND!

Man:
HEY, NINCOMPOOP,
TURN AROUND!

YOU MUST THINK
I'M PRETTY DUMB, HUH?

Crowd:
YES! TURN AROUND!

NO.

( chanting ):
TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND.

NUH-UH.

I'M GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE

AND I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT
AGAIN, SO PAY ATTENTION.

I AM NOT, I REPEAT

NOT GOING TO TURN AROUND
FOR ANY REASON EVER.

Sandy:
HOWDY, PATRICK!

HI, SANDY. ( gasps )

( mumbling... )

HAPPY VALENTINE'S
DAY, PATRICK.

YAY!

YAY! MY VALENTINE!

HEY, IS THIS SOLID CHOCOLATE?

PATRICK, NO!

( chomp, explosion )

Patrick:
OH, SPONGEBOB...

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
GIVE ME ANYTHING.

( humming... )

AH... TIME TO RELAX.

( gasps )

SQUIDWARD!

WELL, TIME TO GO.

SQUIDWARD!
SQUIDWARD, WAIT!

NOW WHAT?

YOU DROPPED THIS
PIECE OF PAPER.

YEAH, SO WHAT?

I JUST FIGURED YOU
PROBABLY WANT IT BACK.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

IT'S ONLY GARBAGE.

GARBAGE?!

BUT, SQUIDWARD,
IN THE RIGHT HANDS

THIS PAPER IS
A GOLD MINE OF
ENTERTAINMENT.

A SPECTACULAR
AFTERNOON OF
UNDERWATER FUN.

A TREASURE TROVE OF...

GARBAGE.

SO YOU DON'T WANT IT?

RIGHT!

DOES THAT MEAN
I CAN HAVE IT?

YES, BY ALL MEANS, TAKE IT.

( phone rings )

HELLO.

SpongeBob:
You sure?

YES! FOR THE FINAL TIME

I DON'T WANT THAT PAPER.

IT'S YOURS FOREVER AND EVER!

( sighs )

ARE YOU DEFINITELY,
POSITIVELY SURE?

GET OUT!

BUT ARE...

GET... OUT...!

LAST CHANCE TO CHANGE
YOUR MIND, SQUIDWARD.

TAKE IT, SPONGEBOB.

TAKE IT, PLEASE.

AND PROMISE ME,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I MAY
BEG AND PLEAD AND CRY

DON'T GIVE THAT PAPER
BACK TO ME... EVER!

SO, I TAKE THAT
AS A POSSIBLE NO?

SQUIDWARD? SQUIDWARD?
SQUIDWARD?

OKAY, SQUIDWARD,
THAT'S A PROMISE
I'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP.

AH, MR. PAPER.

I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE
A FRIEND LIKE SQUIDWARD.

SPONGEBOB...

( SpongeBob laughing )

( playing
"Mary had a Little Lamb" )

( SpongeBob laughing )

WHAT IN THE WORLD
ARE YOU GIGGLING ABOUT?

( laughs )
I'M SORRY, SQUIDWARD,
IT'S JUST...( giggles )

IT'S JUST THAT I'M THINKING
OF ALL THE FUN I'M GOING TO HAVE

WITH THIS PIECE
OF PAPER!

HOW CAN ANYONE HAVE FUN
WITH JUST A PIECE OF PAPER?

( resumes playing )

( Spongebob laughing
and singing )

DOH! WHAT CAN HE POSSIBLY
BE DOING WITH THAT PAPER?

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA... ♪

GARY, WATCH THIS.

GUESS WHAT I AM?

( meows )

WELL, YES, GARY

I AM A SPONGE WITH PAPER
STUCK IN HIS PANTS

BUT I'M ALSO SUPER SPONGE
SOAKING UP CRIME.

SEE, HERE'S MY CAPE.

SUPER MORON'S MORE LIKE IT.

NOW I'M SPONGEBOB JUNGLEPANTS.

( yelling
like Tarzan )

OH, BOY.

( continues yelling... )

UGH... SPONGEBOB JUNGLEPANTS
SUMMON ANIMAL FRIENDS.

( roaring )

( cawing )

( blows raspberry )

( screeching )

( imitating foghorn )

( chattering )

( barking )

( meows )

YOU'RE RIGHT, GARY

I'M NOT A JUNGLE BOY.

I AM A BOX OF ARMY SUPPLIES

BRINGING RELIEF
TO THE HUNGRY TROOPS!

LANDING JUST IN TIME
FOR... THE BULLFIGHT!

TORO! TORO, GARY!

TORO, TORO!
TORO... GARY.
TORO...

HEY, OLE!

( crowd cheers )

NOW, FOR SOME IMPRESSIONS.

A GUY WITH A MUSTACHE.

LOOK AT ME,
I'M A GUY WITH A MUSTACHE.

A PIRATE WITH AN EYE PATCH.

ARR, I'M A PIRATE.

A REGULAR GUY WITH AN EYE PATCH.

ARR, I AM NOT A PIRATE.

DO A BIG YELLOW IDIOT WITH
A STUPID PIECE OF PAPER.

HOW DID HE DO THAT?

LOOK, GARY, ORAL-GAMI.

Children:
BIRD! YAY!

SNOWFLAKE! YAY!

PAPER DOLL, YAY!

HEY, THAT LITTLE PAPER
DOES SEEM LIKE FUN.

WHAT AM I SAYING?!

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT.

( laughs )

SPONGEBOB, HONESTLY,
AND HIS DUMB PAPER.

HE CALLS THAT FUN?

NOW, READING
BORING SCIENCE DIGEST,
THAT'S FUN.

( muttering )

( laughs )
CHECK EROSION!

( laughs )
MITOSIS!

( SpongeBob laughing )

SEE, I CAN HAVE FUN
TAKING A BATH.

( Spongebob making
airplane noise )

( imitating machine gun )

( rubber duck squeaking )

PAINTING FRUIT--
THERE'S NOTHING MORE FUN
THAN PAINTING FRUIT.

THIS IS MORE FUN THAN ANYTHING.

( Spongebob laughing )

( gasps )

( Spongebob laughing )

OH...! ( grumbling )

( yelling )

( coughing and panting )

( SpongeBob laughing )

I'LL PROVE TO HIM
THAT PAPER IS NOT FUN!

( whistling )

♪ I'M HAVING FUN, LA-LA-LA. ♪

♪ ISN'T IT GREAT,
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA... ♪

OKAY, SPONGEBOB,
TOP THIS ONE.

HEY, LITTLE SQUIDWARD,
WHAT'S GRAY AND UGLY
AND HAS SIX ARMS?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT HAVE YOU LOOKED
IN THE MIRROR LATELY?

WHAT? WHY YOU...

( laughing )

OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE,
SQUIDWARD, NOW LET ME TRY.

HAVE YOU HEARD
ANY GOOD JOKES, MR. PAPER?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PAPER
THAT FELL IN THE OCEAN?

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE PAPER THAT FELL
IN THE OCEAN?

IT WAS ALL WASHED-UP.

( crowd laughing )

LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA...

HA, HA, I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN
WITH MY NEW SHELL CART.

AH, HA, HA.

HEY, SPONGEBOB,
CAN YOUR STUPID PAPER DO THIS?

( helicopter engine )

NOPE.

WELL, YOU CAN'T PLAY MUSIC
WITH A PIECE OF PAPER!

( playing "Mary Had a
Little Lamb" off-key )

HOORAY! HOORAY!

THAT WAS GREAT,
SQUIDWARD.

ALL THOSE WRONG NOTES
YOU PLAYED

MADE IT SOUND
MORE ORIGINAL.

WHAT? I DIDN'T PLAY
ANY WRONG NOTES.

( plays off-key )

YEAH, SEE, YOU'RE
PLAYING IT LIKE THIS...

( plays off-key )

WHEN ORDINARILY
IT GOES LIKE THIS...

( plays perfectly )

I'M PARTIAL TO DOING IT
IN THE KEY OF A-MINOR, MYSELF.

( playing jazzy version
in higher key... )

AH, NOTHING LIKE
A DUET BETWEEN BUDDIES,
EH, SQUIDWARD?

GIVE ME MY PAPER BACK!

NOW LET GO OF IT.

I SAID LET GO OF IT!

LET GO, LET GO, LET GO...

I CAN'T!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU CAN'T?

I CAN'T!

YOU MADE ME PROMISE

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU
BEGGED AND PLEADED AND CRIED

NOT TO GIVE THE PAPER
BACK TO YOU EVER.

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

SURE YOU DID, SQUIDWARD, LOOK.

TAKE IT SPONGEBOB.

TAKE IT, PLEASE.

AND PROMISE ME,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH
I MAY BEG AND PLEAD AND CRY

DON'T GIVE THAT PAPER
BACK TO ME... EVER!

WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN?

NO, I DON'T WANT
TO SEE IT AGAIN.

JUST GIVE ME THAT PAPER.

SORRY, SQUIDWARD,
I AM SWORN TO
A PROMISE.

MAYBE I SHOULD
GET GOING.

WAIT, WAIT, MAYBE WE CAN
TRADE FOR SOMETHING.

YEAH, SOMETHING, SOMETHING.

AH... WAIT UP, SPONGEBOB.

WAIT! HOLD ON THERE,
CHUM. ( laughs )

I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER.

WOW! POCKET LINT!

YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN,
SQUIDWARD.

PAPER FOR LINT,
HMM...

NOT THE LINT,
THE RUBBER BAND.

THE RUBBER BAND?

DO I DARE?

OH... DARE! DARE!

OKA... OH, I GET IT.

YOU'RE JUST TESTING ME.

DON'T WORRY, SQUIDWARD,
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

A PROMISE
IS A PROMISE.

LISTEN, YOU.

YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE
UNTIL WE STRIKE A DEAL.

GOT TO GET THAT... PAPER.

SQUIDWARD?

TRADE...

HEY, LISTEN.

EVERYTHING MUST... GO!

WELL, THAT'S THE LAST OF IT.

I'VE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING
BUT THE SHIRT OFF MY BACK.

OH... SQUIDWARD, IS THIS
STILL PART OF THE TEST?

BECAUSE IT'S...
IT'S REALLY GETTING

HARDER AND HARDER
TO KEEP MY PROMISE.

OKAY, THE SHIRT!

TAKE IT, TAKE MY SHIRT!

SQUIDWARD'S SHIRT.

I... I'VE ALWAYS
LOVED THAT SHIRT.

OKAY, OKAY, I'LL TRADE!

I CAN BREAK A PROMISE
FOR THIS.

SQUIDWARD, DO YOU WANT
YOUR OTHER STUFF?

'CAUSE THIS IS
ALL I'LL NEED.

YOU CAN HAVE ALL THAT JUNK,
BECAUSE NOW I'VE GOT THIS.

I'VE GOT THE PAPER, AND
YOU'VE GOT MY USELESS GARBAGE.

I GOT IT! HA, HA, HA.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.

I GOT IT,
YOU'RE A SUCKER.

YOU'RE A SUCKER.

( laughs ) AT LAST.

WHAT SHOULD WE TRY FIRST,
MR. PAPER? IMPRESSIONS!

A GUY WITH A PIECE OF PAPER
ON HIS NOSE.

LOOK AT ME, I'M A GUY WITH
A PIECE OF PAPER...

ON HIS... NOSE.

HMM... AHA!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

TA-DA!

Children:
BOO!

OKAY, OKAY, UH... HELICOPTER!

GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES.

I'M FLYING!

OH, YEAH, I'M FLYING!

I'M FLYING!

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT,
HERE WE GO NOW.

I'M FLYING, FLYING, FLYING,
FLYING, FLYING, FLYING...

( wheezing ):
FLYING...

( clarinet squeaking... )

WAIT, MORE IMPRESSIONS.

A GUY THROWING A PIECE OF PAPER
ON THE GROUND!

A GUY STOMPING
ON THE PIECE OF PAPER!

I'M A GUY WHO TRADED
EVERYTHING HE OWNS FOR...

A WORTHLESS
PIECE OF PAPER.

HEY, THANKS, IT'S JUST
WHAT I NEEDED, SQUIDWARD.

( chewing )

NICE SHIRT, SPONGEBOB.
( chuckles )

( wind blowing )

ANYBODY HAVE ANY SUNSCREEN?

[Captioning sponsored by THE
U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON]

[Captioned by The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation]