Splitting Up Together (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Contact High - full transcript
Previously on "Splitting Up Together"...
- It's not a first date.
- Of course not. Why would it be?
I'm sorry. Is this
making you feel weird?
It's not weird at all. Not at all.
You're still in love
with your ex-husband.
I am not!
To me, you feel off the market.
Well, I'm not off the market.
I am on the market.
What are we?
Nothing.
People are buying that?
Beg pardon?
This has everything to do with you
and your unresolved feelings for Martin.
Hey, Lena.
Martin. What's wrong?
You cheating on me? With
that Russian contractor?
What? We're not even together anymore.
You're dating another woman.
There is no other woman.
There never will be another woman.
You know that.
It's a bodysuit.
It has snaps.
Oh.
Mom, where are our lunches?
It's turkey-and-tahini Tuesday.
Sorry, guys. I must've
slept through my alarm.
Just like that, Hell hath frozen over.
Okay, Mom's thrown in the towel.
We're gonna have to
fend for ourselves now.
I'm willing to be our ruler.
I'd sooner move into
the garage with Dad.
I'm your dad now.
You'd be a terrible dad.
Guys, quiet!
Here.
You're buying lunch today.
Get your stuff. Come on.
Grandpa's outside.
You know he only waits five
minutes before he drives off.
Ohh!
Oh, my God!
Oh! Hey.
Oh, man, are you okay?
Fine. I'm fine.
I'm just... I'm on hold for
an important business call,
- so can I get back to you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe I can get back to you.
- Yeah.
Oh, uh, hey, don't forget,
we need to get a sitter for
parent/teacher night tomorrow.
Don't you forget.
You want me to call the sitter? I will.
Martin, get out of here.
It is not your week!
Okay.
Gene. What the heck?!
Small world.
Small one block away from my job.
I don't have any bread for you, okay?
Okay.
So, is this your normal look?
You're... You're a corduroy man?
Mm, yeah. Mama likey.
This is me. Bye.
Oh. Wait. Um...
We've been seeing each other
for a couple of weeks now.
I mean, you're a repeat customer, yeah.
I was kind of feeling like
maybe we were more than that.
I literally don't even know your name.
Oh!
You're gonna love it.
It's Maya.
I'm Maya.
Well, Maya, guess I'll see
you at your next meal,
if you're seated in my section.
Oh, come on, Gene. I don't
know what's going on.
Are we... are we friends?
Are we enemies? Are we frenemies?
Are we frennies with
bennies? Are we cuz-bros?
I don't know. I don't know.
I just really want to find out.
Preferably before I give birth, so...
maybe we could go out on a date.
Fine. But we're going
to Rainforest Buffet.
Okay.
I recently slipped on
some of their tilapia,
so they gave me a voucher
for two free apps.
Oh. I love tilapia.
Oh...
I think he likes us.
- Thanks, Lori.
- Sure.
Anxious?
Is it that obvious?
Well, now, I used to
have the worst anxiety
about going to the dentist.
My husband would have to come in
and hold my hand the whole time.
But since he's gone,
I just take one of these.
- You want?
- Oh! No, thank you.
I don't do drugs. I'm not a druggie.
Are you sure? Because these are herbal.
- Okay, yeah. I will take one. Thanks.
- Oh, good.
Oh.
Just for later.
So, is your husband not
with us any longer?
He's not, no.
He's with that jezebel, Eleanor.
And she's the reason for
the rising chlamydia rates
among the elderly.
She's just got a messy
little crinkum-crankum,
if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
Mm.
Lena, we're ready for you.
How did you say this happened?
Well...
I had this erotic dream
about my ex-husband,
wherein he reached down and
unsnapped my bodysuit.
Ohh!
And then when I woke
up, I ran face-first
into the fridge door just
to avoid seeing him.
The whole thing's kind of hilarious,
if you think about it.
I bet he would think
it's hilarious, too.
"To: Martin.
Subject: Hilarious."
Are you feeling okay?
- Who, me?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm legit.
- Oh, okay.
Aw, man! No signal?
Message will be saved in my outbox?
Well, bad news.
That tooth of yours is cracked
all the way up to the root,
so we're gonna have to do
an emergency root canal.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The thing is, I don't do so well...
I don't do so well.
Yeah. We know.
Everyone knows.
Might I suggest some sedation?
Yeah. You can suggest it. You can do it.
Uh...
Take me to the moon!
Mm. Oh!
- Just breathe normally.
- Okay.
Oh! Excuse me.
I failed to disclose something.
I was fed a pill
by a, um, a kind, old lady.
What if there's some
kind of interaction?
Or, like, combined drug toxicity?
I'm gonna have the doctor
come and talk to you.
Just try to relax.
Think about that bodysuit.
Okay.
I like your voice.
I like your voice.
Think about that bodysuit.
Bodysuit. Bodysuit. Bodysuit.
Crinkum-crankum.
Ma'am?
I know.
I know... she's mad.
She's very mad, but she
can't be that mad,
because she came, right?
You said lunch.
I did.
I have lunch. Come in.
All right, see? Look.
Look what I did.
I did this... all me.
So, what the hell, dude?
What's up with the head games?
You begged to stay over at my place,
and when I finally say yes, you, like,
make up some stupid lie and run off.
I know. I just got a little freaked out.
By what?
I mean, everything's normal at my house.
Are you just one of those
guys who loves the chase,
and then the second a woman's
interested, you're done?
Are you just one of those
women who likes men
when they seem uninterested?
Because if so...
I am taking this call.
Hello?
She what?
What?
Well, why didn't anyone stop her?
Ah, geez.
Okay, no. Yeah.
I'll be right there.
Okay, full disclosure here...
no phony excuses.
This is me letting you in.
My wife is missing.
What?
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
I know... it sounds like a
lie, but I swear it's true.
You just called her your wife.
Ohh.
Oh, no, that's just because
that's what they called her...
the doctor's office
just now on the phone.
And why would they do that?
Sexism?
God! It just pisses me off, you know?
I mean, just the stuff that
you guys have to go through.
Also, I'm still her emergency contact,
and she's still on my insurance.
Okay. Nice meeting you.
No, look, Paige... Okay.
Clearly, our divorces
are not compatible,
but that doesn't mean that we can't be.
Look.
Let me go find my ex-wife
and then take my future
one out for drinks.
Did you just propose to me?
N-No, I-I-I-I certainly didn't mean to.
I mean, I literally was just
trying to sound... clever.
And if I'm being honest, I
probably won't marry again.
Although I am open to
living with someone.
Obviously, Lena would need a room.
Kidding.
So, drinks later?
Hm?
I have her belongings.
I just don't have her.
I'm gassing up Gene's Yaris.
Otherwise, I'd love to help you look.
Hey. Do you want me to check the oil?
Who's Gene?
Hey, watch the pump!
Don't let it get over 6 bucks.
Anything over 6, you're covering.
Sounds like a winner.
Come on, Maya. Think.
I don't have time for this right now.
I just ran out on my date
with Paige after apologizing
for running out on my
previous date with Paige.
Hold on.
I got to take this.
Okay! Bye!
Could you get a towel?
- What's up?
- Hey, bro.
I just caught Lena's set
at the farmers market.
- She's pretty talented.
- What?!
♪ Buffalo Soldier ♪
♪ Dreadlock Rasta ♪
Oh, no.
♪ There was a Buffalo Soldier! ♪
I beg you...
- I beg you to stop before...
- ♪ In the heart of America! ♪
Don't say it. Don't say it!
♪ Stolen from Africa... ♪
Okay, come on.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
- Hey!
- Yeah, hi!
Hey, sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Let her sing! Legalize it!
It's legal, dude.
What are you doing here?
Gettin' my bone broth on.
That's not a beverage, man.
Hey, you going to parent/teacher night?
- Bye!
- Little darling gonna stir it up?
Hey, mon!
Why ya harsh my vibe?
Um, okay, look, I'm gonna drop you off
so you can sleep off
that offensive accent.
I will go to parent/teacher night.
Are you kidding me? I'm not
missing parent/teacher.
I am a parent, Martin.
Education is my top priority.
Lena, but you're...
My candidacy was founded on education.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay. Whatever.
If you're coming, we got to
get some food in your stomach
to help sober you up.
I am sober.
I say "Nope" to dope.
Did ya, though?
No.
I said "Yes."
I cannot believe you're
eating from a street cart.
You must be really high.
- Oh, wait.
- Huh?
Is this that cart? The guy?
Remember, we got tacos here and
then we went home and we...
What are you talking about?
We had sex... in the car?
Oh, yeah. Uh... that wasn't me.
Well, whose fault is that?
Hey, seriously, how come we
didn't ever have sex in a car?
What are you talking about?
Martin, why did our love life die?
Um...
Probably because of
Thursdays at 9:00 p.m.
Hm?
You decided that that would
be our sex night. Remember?
Yeah, I remember.
And then you decided to
join that basketball troop
on Thursdays so that you
would never be home.
Basketball league.
There are some things
that you shouldn't be
able to dictate, Lena.
Fine.
How come you didn't come up
with a sex plan of your own?
Because that's not the
kind of lover I am, okay?
Well, what kind of lover are you?
I don't know.
- I'm like... Prince.
- I love Prince.
Yeah, well, Prince never would've had
regularly scheduled sex with you.
You don't know that.
Don't speak for Prince.
Oh, Prince would never
schedule it, okay?
He needed to feel it. He
needed to be in the moment.
What, did you have sex with Prince?
Honestly, I think I
used the no-sex thing
as a way to get back at you...
for making me feel like
nothing I ever did
was good enough.
Well, I think I used the
scheduled-sex thing
because I could feel you slipping away
and I was desperate to hold on and...
- Lena, I-I...
- Martin, no.
- No, I...
- No, no.
Martin, no!
Martin, no!
Hey! Stop it!
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Ohhhh!
So, let me get this straight...
you can park here for two hours
between 10:00 A.M. and 6:00 P.M., right?
But there's no parking from
8:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M.
Okay. And does that symbol
mean you can fish here?
I'm gonna call the tow company.
Oh! My phone is dead!
Ugh. My Uber's just pinwheeling.
We're gonna miss parent/teacher night.
And Paige is gonna kill me.
It sounds more like a lie
than the actual lies I've told her.
_
_
- _
- Oh, good news... your sister
and the guy she's been
dating are gonna grab us.
What guy she's been dating?
I'm confused.
So am I.
When did this happen?
- It didn't.
- Oh, cut it out, Gene.
He's reluctant but present.
Like Dad.
I thought your relationship with Gene
was primarily bread-based,
in that he brings you bread.
But not just bread.
He also got me these potato skins.
I got those for me.
Incoming PDA!
He's, like... familiar, you know?
- He's mean.
- "Gene."
Look, I've been very
clear with your sister,
but she's like a dog with a bone.
A dog!
With a bone!
And when is a dog happier?
Don't finish all the potato
skins. I want some.
I'm suddenly very exhausted.
Oh, here. Lie down.
But I would also like a potato skin.
Steady. Two step...
What happened to you?
None taken.
Wait. Did you say "No offense"?
No.
I like sloppy and toasted Lena.
She's like if Lena lived in a trailer
and started laundering
money in the Ozarks.
I just binged "Ozark."
I love Laura Linney.
Okay, look.
This is our first parent/teacher night,
and we're trying to make
a good first impression.
Since we're not real
parents, there's strike one.
But this... this could easily
be strikes two and three,
so bye.
Bye!
Dodson. Hey, nice to see you again.
Hi.
Dig the tie.
Oh! Shakespeare.
Duh. I know that.
- Lena. Hello.
- Hey.
I've been preparing all
semester for your visit.
Here is a written defense
of my lesson plan,
a schedule of my
after-school availability.
I'm sorry about Thursdays.
I have physical therapy
for a torn meniscus.
And before you ask, I
am not currently taking
any pain medication.
Oh, and, uh, here is a full dossier
of my teaching credentials,
just in case you lost the copy
that you subpoenaed last year.
Life's too short, man.
Seriously, I'm just stoked that
you're dedicating your life
to helping the children,
A.K.A., our future.
Is she on something?
- She is, yeah.
- Oh.
Can it be permanent?
Listen, baby, you're
doing the best you can,
and that's all one can ask for
in this crazy, mixed-up world.
I love you.
I love you so much.
Okay.
Okay, let's boogie.
Uh, yeah, we have some
other teachers to meet.
If you need to go have sex
- with your girlfriend...
- I don't. I don't.
I'm just saying I don't need
you to be my caretaker.
- Yes, you do.
- The universe will look after me.
No, it won't.
Well, let's see.
I can take the call and
tell her that, once again,
I am blowing off our plans
to spend time with you
or I can let it go to voicemail
and accept that it's pretty much over.
Well, you know what they
say... "No woman, no cry."
Yeah, that's actually not
the meaning of that song.
And if you're gonna make the
rounds as a white Rasta lady,
you better get it straight.
Ah.
I think I'm finally not faded.
Wow. You even picked
up on the drug lingo.
I WebMD'd my symptoms,
and that was literally the diagnosis.
There we go.
Uh, sorry we ran late.
It's whatever. I literally have no life.
Okay. Well, so that...
that... that works out.
I ate all your cookie dough.
Oh.
Martin, I think you just got an
inappropriate e-mail from me
that you should probably delete.
Really?
I wrote it under the influence.
Subject line: "Hilarious."
- No, it's nau... it's naughty.
- How can I not read this right now?
- It's... No, please, just delete it.
- Oh, you're not helping your case!
Come on! Stop! Stop!
- Stop!
- Bodysuit, huh?
- Oh, boy.
- Oh.
This is steamy.
You dreamt this about us?
I respect your relationship
with Paige. I really do.
Oh. Well, as predicted,
I no longer have a
relationship with Paige.
She dumped me over voicemail.
- She did?
- Yeah.
It's pretty hard to keep a relationship
when you're living with your ex.
I understand. I really do.
You know...
this top is a bodysuit.
Are you making a pass at me?
'Cause it's not Thursday night.
One snap left.
Maybe we revisit that third snap
sometime when you're
a little less... irie.
I don't lecture you
about the men that you're interested in.
I'm not lecturing you, Maya.
Hey, Dad. I'm simply pointing out
that you broke it off with Sugar Beard,
who had a full-blown country-music face
and was desperately in love with you,
to date... Gene?
A cold, punishing waiter who
barely knows your name.
Uh, is this gonna wind
up being my fault?
Because I stuck around
and raised you girls.
If you had a daughter,
would you rather she dated
someone like Frank or someone like Gene?
Is this a trick question?
Because I have a daughter.
I have two.
Right.
And do you think that Maya sabotaged
a potentially great relationship
in favor of a not-so-great one
possibly due to her
chronic low self-esteem?
Fine, and do you think
that Lena is holding
her ex-husband emotionally hostage,
refusing to work on their relationship
while preventing him from
being in any others?
Brunch is supposed to be relaxing.
It's Sunday.
I'm not coming to these anymore.
Dad!
Where are you going?!
We need your answer!
Come on, Dander. Let's go.
He's such a coward.
You're a coward, Dad!
Brunch was great.
Thank you!
- It's not a first date.
- Of course not. Why would it be?
I'm sorry. Is this
making you feel weird?
It's not weird at all. Not at all.
You're still in love
with your ex-husband.
I am not!
To me, you feel off the market.
Well, I'm not off the market.
I am on the market.
What are we?
Nothing.
People are buying that?
Beg pardon?
This has everything to do with you
and your unresolved feelings for Martin.
Hey, Lena.
Martin. What's wrong?
You cheating on me? With
that Russian contractor?
What? We're not even together anymore.
You're dating another woman.
There is no other woman.
There never will be another woman.
You know that.
It's a bodysuit.
It has snaps.
Oh.
Mom, where are our lunches?
It's turkey-and-tahini Tuesday.
Sorry, guys. I must've
slept through my alarm.
Just like that, Hell hath frozen over.
Okay, Mom's thrown in the towel.
We're gonna have to
fend for ourselves now.
I'm willing to be our ruler.
I'd sooner move into
the garage with Dad.
I'm your dad now.
You'd be a terrible dad.
Guys, quiet!
Here.
You're buying lunch today.
Get your stuff. Come on.
Grandpa's outside.
You know he only waits five
minutes before he drives off.
Ohh!
Oh, my God!
Oh! Hey.
Oh, man, are you okay?
Fine. I'm fine.
I'm just... I'm on hold for
an important business call,
- so can I get back to you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe I can get back to you.
- Yeah.
Oh, uh, hey, don't forget,
we need to get a sitter for
parent/teacher night tomorrow.
Don't you forget.
You want me to call the sitter? I will.
Martin, get out of here.
It is not your week!
Okay.
Gene. What the heck?!
Small world.
Small one block away from my job.
I don't have any bread for you, okay?
Okay.
So, is this your normal look?
You're... You're a corduroy man?
Mm, yeah. Mama likey.
This is me. Bye.
Oh. Wait. Um...
We've been seeing each other
for a couple of weeks now.
I mean, you're a repeat customer, yeah.
I was kind of feeling like
maybe we were more than that.
I literally don't even know your name.
Oh!
You're gonna love it.
It's Maya.
I'm Maya.
Well, Maya, guess I'll see
you at your next meal,
if you're seated in my section.
Oh, come on, Gene. I don't
know what's going on.
Are we... are we friends?
Are we enemies? Are we frenemies?
Are we frennies with
bennies? Are we cuz-bros?
I don't know. I don't know.
I just really want to find out.
Preferably before I give birth, so...
maybe we could go out on a date.
Fine. But we're going
to Rainforest Buffet.
Okay.
I recently slipped on
some of their tilapia,
so they gave me a voucher
for two free apps.
Oh. I love tilapia.
Oh...
I think he likes us.
- Thanks, Lori.
- Sure.
Anxious?
Is it that obvious?
Well, now, I used to
have the worst anxiety
about going to the dentist.
My husband would have to come in
and hold my hand the whole time.
But since he's gone,
I just take one of these.
- You want?
- Oh! No, thank you.
I don't do drugs. I'm not a druggie.
Are you sure? Because these are herbal.
- Okay, yeah. I will take one. Thanks.
- Oh, good.
Oh.
Just for later.
So, is your husband not
with us any longer?
He's not, no.
He's with that jezebel, Eleanor.
And she's the reason for
the rising chlamydia rates
among the elderly.
She's just got a messy
little crinkum-crankum,
if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
Mm.
Lena, we're ready for you.
How did you say this happened?
Well...
I had this erotic dream
about my ex-husband,
wherein he reached down and
unsnapped my bodysuit.
Ohh!
And then when I woke
up, I ran face-first
into the fridge door just
to avoid seeing him.
The whole thing's kind of hilarious,
if you think about it.
I bet he would think
it's hilarious, too.
"To: Martin.
Subject: Hilarious."
Are you feeling okay?
- Who, me?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm legit.
- Oh, okay.
Aw, man! No signal?
Message will be saved in my outbox?
Well, bad news.
That tooth of yours is cracked
all the way up to the root,
so we're gonna have to do
an emergency root canal.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
The thing is, I don't do so well...
I don't do so well.
Yeah. We know.
Everyone knows.
Might I suggest some sedation?
Yeah. You can suggest it. You can do it.
Uh...
Take me to the moon!
Mm. Oh!
- Just breathe normally.
- Okay.
Oh! Excuse me.
I failed to disclose something.
I was fed a pill
by a, um, a kind, old lady.
What if there's some
kind of interaction?
Or, like, combined drug toxicity?
I'm gonna have the doctor
come and talk to you.
Just try to relax.
Think about that bodysuit.
Okay.
I like your voice.
I like your voice.
Think about that bodysuit.
Bodysuit. Bodysuit. Bodysuit.
Crinkum-crankum.
Ma'am?
I know.
I know... she's mad.
She's very mad, but she
can't be that mad,
because she came, right?
You said lunch.
I did.
I have lunch. Come in.
All right, see? Look.
Look what I did.
I did this... all me.
So, what the hell, dude?
What's up with the head games?
You begged to stay over at my place,
and when I finally say yes, you, like,
make up some stupid lie and run off.
I know. I just got a little freaked out.
By what?
I mean, everything's normal at my house.
Are you just one of those
guys who loves the chase,
and then the second a woman's
interested, you're done?
Are you just one of those
women who likes men
when they seem uninterested?
Because if so...
I am taking this call.
Hello?
She what?
What?
Well, why didn't anyone stop her?
Ah, geez.
Okay, no. Yeah.
I'll be right there.
Okay, full disclosure here...
no phony excuses.
This is me letting you in.
My wife is missing.
What?
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
I know... it sounds like a
lie, but I swear it's true.
You just called her your wife.
Ohh.
Oh, no, that's just because
that's what they called her...
the doctor's office
just now on the phone.
And why would they do that?
Sexism?
God! It just pisses me off, you know?
I mean, just the stuff that
you guys have to go through.
Also, I'm still her emergency contact,
and she's still on my insurance.
Okay. Nice meeting you.
No, look, Paige... Okay.
Clearly, our divorces
are not compatible,
but that doesn't mean that we can't be.
Look.
Let me go find my ex-wife
and then take my future
one out for drinks.
Did you just propose to me?
N-No, I-I-I-I certainly didn't mean to.
I mean, I literally was just
trying to sound... clever.
And if I'm being honest, I
probably won't marry again.
Although I am open to
living with someone.
Obviously, Lena would need a room.
Kidding.
So, drinks later?
Hm?
I have her belongings.
I just don't have her.
I'm gassing up Gene's Yaris.
Otherwise, I'd love to help you look.
Hey. Do you want me to check the oil?
Who's Gene?
Hey, watch the pump!
Don't let it get over 6 bucks.
Anything over 6, you're covering.
Sounds like a winner.
Come on, Maya. Think.
I don't have time for this right now.
I just ran out on my date
with Paige after apologizing
for running out on my
previous date with Paige.
Hold on.
I got to take this.
Okay! Bye!
Could you get a towel?
- What's up?
- Hey, bro.
I just caught Lena's set
at the farmers market.
- She's pretty talented.
- What?!
♪ Buffalo Soldier ♪
♪ Dreadlock Rasta ♪
Oh, no.
♪ There was a Buffalo Soldier! ♪
I beg you...
- I beg you to stop before...
- ♪ In the heart of America! ♪
Don't say it. Don't say it!
♪ Stolen from Africa... ♪
Okay, come on.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi.
- Hey!
- Yeah, hi!
Hey, sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Let her sing! Legalize it!
It's legal, dude.
What are you doing here?
Gettin' my bone broth on.
That's not a beverage, man.
Hey, you going to parent/teacher night?
- Bye!
- Little darling gonna stir it up?
Hey, mon!
Why ya harsh my vibe?
Um, okay, look, I'm gonna drop you off
so you can sleep off
that offensive accent.
I will go to parent/teacher night.
Are you kidding me? I'm not
missing parent/teacher.
I am a parent, Martin.
Education is my top priority.
Lena, but you're...
My candidacy was founded on education.
Oh, my gosh.
Okay. Whatever.
If you're coming, we got to
get some food in your stomach
to help sober you up.
I am sober.
I say "Nope" to dope.
Did ya, though?
No.
I said "Yes."
I cannot believe you're
eating from a street cart.
You must be really high.
- Oh, wait.
- Huh?
Is this that cart? The guy?
Remember, we got tacos here and
then we went home and we...
What are you talking about?
We had sex... in the car?
Oh, yeah. Uh... that wasn't me.
Well, whose fault is that?
Hey, seriously, how come we
didn't ever have sex in a car?
What are you talking about?
Martin, why did our love life die?
Um...
Probably because of
Thursdays at 9:00 p.m.
Hm?
You decided that that would
be our sex night. Remember?
Yeah, I remember.
And then you decided to
join that basketball troop
on Thursdays so that you
would never be home.
Basketball league.
There are some things
that you shouldn't be
able to dictate, Lena.
Fine.
How come you didn't come up
with a sex plan of your own?
Because that's not the
kind of lover I am, okay?
Well, what kind of lover are you?
I don't know.
- I'm like... Prince.
- I love Prince.
Yeah, well, Prince never would've had
regularly scheduled sex with you.
You don't know that.
Don't speak for Prince.
Oh, Prince would never
schedule it, okay?
He needed to feel it. He
needed to be in the moment.
What, did you have sex with Prince?
Honestly, I think I
used the no-sex thing
as a way to get back at you...
for making me feel like
nothing I ever did
was good enough.
Well, I think I used the
scheduled-sex thing
because I could feel you slipping away
and I was desperate to hold on and...
- Lena, I-I...
- Martin, no.
- No, I...
- No, no.
Martin, no!
Martin, no!
Hey! Stop it!
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Ohhhh!
So, let me get this straight...
you can park here for two hours
between 10:00 A.M. and 6:00 P.M., right?
But there's no parking from
8:00 A.M. to 8:00 P.M.
Okay. And does that symbol
mean you can fish here?
I'm gonna call the tow company.
Oh! My phone is dead!
Ugh. My Uber's just pinwheeling.
We're gonna miss parent/teacher night.
And Paige is gonna kill me.
It sounds more like a lie
than the actual lies I've told her.
_
_
- _
- Oh, good news... your sister
and the guy she's been
dating are gonna grab us.
What guy she's been dating?
I'm confused.
So am I.
When did this happen?
- It didn't.
- Oh, cut it out, Gene.
He's reluctant but present.
Like Dad.
I thought your relationship with Gene
was primarily bread-based,
in that he brings you bread.
But not just bread.
He also got me these potato skins.
I got those for me.
Incoming PDA!
He's, like... familiar, you know?
- He's mean.
- "Gene."
Look, I've been very
clear with your sister,
but she's like a dog with a bone.
A dog!
With a bone!
And when is a dog happier?
Don't finish all the potato
skins. I want some.
I'm suddenly very exhausted.
Oh, here. Lie down.
But I would also like a potato skin.
Steady. Two step...
What happened to you?
None taken.
Wait. Did you say "No offense"?
No.
I like sloppy and toasted Lena.
She's like if Lena lived in a trailer
and started laundering
money in the Ozarks.
I just binged "Ozark."
I love Laura Linney.
Okay, look.
This is our first parent/teacher night,
and we're trying to make
a good first impression.
Since we're not real
parents, there's strike one.
But this... this could easily
be strikes two and three,
so bye.
Bye!
Dodson. Hey, nice to see you again.
Hi.
Dig the tie.
Oh! Shakespeare.
Duh. I know that.
- Lena. Hello.
- Hey.
I've been preparing all
semester for your visit.
Here is a written defense
of my lesson plan,
a schedule of my
after-school availability.
I'm sorry about Thursdays.
I have physical therapy
for a torn meniscus.
And before you ask, I
am not currently taking
any pain medication.
Oh, and, uh, here is a full dossier
of my teaching credentials,
just in case you lost the copy
that you subpoenaed last year.
Life's too short, man.
Seriously, I'm just stoked that
you're dedicating your life
to helping the children,
A.K.A., our future.
Is she on something?
- She is, yeah.
- Oh.
Can it be permanent?
Listen, baby, you're
doing the best you can,
and that's all one can ask for
in this crazy, mixed-up world.
I love you.
I love you so much.
Okay.
Okay, let's boogie.
Uh, yeah, we have some
other teachers to meet.
If you need to go have sex
- with your girlfriend...
- I don't. I don't.
I'm just saying I don't need
you to be my caretaker.
- Yes, you do.
- The universe will look after me.
No, it won't.
Well, let's see.
I can take the call and
tell her that, once again,
I am blowing off our plans
to spend time with you
or I can let it go to voicemail
and accept that it's pretty much over.
Well, you know what they
say... "No woman, no cry."
Yeah, that's actually not
the meaning of that song.
And if you're gonna make the
rounds as a white Rasta lady,
you better get it straight.
Ah.
I think I'm finally not faded.
Wow. You even picked
up on the drug lingo.
I WebMD'd my symptoms,
and that was literally the diagnosis.
There we go.
Uh, sorry we ran late.
It's whatever. I literally have no life.
Okay. Well, so that...
that... that works out.
I ate all your cookie dough.
Oh.
Martin, I think you just got an
inappropriate e-mail from me
that you should probably delete.
Really?
I wrote it under the influence.
Subject line: "Hilarious."
- No, it's nau... it's naughty.
- How can I not read this right now?
- It's... No, please, just delete it.
- Oh, you're not helping your case!
Come on! Stop! Stop!
- Stop!
- Bodysuit, huh?
- Oh, boy.
- Oh.
This is steamy.
You dreamt this about us?
I respect your relationship
with Paige. I really do.
Oh. Well, as predicted,
I no longer have a
relationship with Paige.
She dumped me over voicemail.
- She did?
- Yeah.
It's pretty hard to keep a relationship
when you're living with your ex.
I understand. I really do.
You know...
this top is a bodysuit.
Are you making a pass at me?
'Cause it's not Thursday night.
One snap left.
Maybe we revisit that third snap
sometime when you're
a little less... irie.
I don't lecture you
about the men that you're interested in.
I'm not lecturing you, Maya.
Hey, Dad. I'm simply pointing out
that you broke it off with Sugar Beard,
who had a full-blown country-music face
and was desperately in love with you,
to date... Gene?
A cold, punishing waiter who
barely knows your name.
Uh, is this gonna wind
up being my fault?
Because I stuck around
and raised you girls.
If you had a daughter,
would you rather she dated
someone like Frank or someone like Gene?
Is this a trick question?
Because I have a daughter.
I have two.
Right.
And do you think that Maya sabotaged
a potentially great relationship
in favor of a not-so-great one
possibly due to her
chronic low self-esteem?
Fine, and do you think
that Lena is holding
her ex-husband emotionally hostage,
refusing to work on their relationship
while preventing him from
being in any others?
Brunch is supposed to be relaxing.
It's Sunday.
I'm not coming to these anymore.
Dad!
Where are you going?!
We need your answer!
Come on, Dander. Let's go.
He's such a coward.
You're a coward, Dad!
Brunch was great.
Thank you!