Splitting Up Together (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Messy - full transcript
...and then I kissed him,
and I think I caught
him off guard, because...
he said I caught him off guard,
and then he wouldn't talk to
me for the rest of the day.
Wow! Your first bad boy.
So, you gonna go full Russian now
and start rockin' high
heels and a floor-length fur
and drinking lots of soup?
Do Russian women drink lots of soup?
I dunno. I've never been anywhere.
Well, I don't think we're
gonna date or anything.
I mean, it was hot,
but I don't really
think I'm Vlad's type.
Yeah. You're way too vanilla.
He probably went and made
out with some club skank after
just to wash the taste of
nerd-mom out of his mouth.
Say what you will but
"Nerd Mom" is doing a-okay.
Check the, uh, scoreboard.
Wes. Vlad.
Two guys.
Yeah! Scoreboard's a two!
That's a two-ski!
A deuce-a-rooni.
Are you making fun
of yourself right now?
No.
♪
♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪
♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪
♪ Through this heaviness
I feel, I just need ♪
♪ Everything's okay ♪
- ♪
- [ALARM RINGING]
- [GROANS AND SIGHS]
- [ALARM CONTINUES]
Hey... good morning.
- Hey.
- 'Sup?
- Mm.
- Hey. Paige, could you...
Um...
First of all, you're great. [CHUCKLES]
Second, could you get
out of here real quick?
- What?
- Lena and I agreed
that we're not supposed to have
overnight guests in the main house...
- Dear God. You people.
- I know. I know,
I know, but you can go out, ring
the doorbell, come right back in.
Cool offer, but I think
I'm gonna head home.
Okay. But for the record,
that's why I suggested
we stay at your place.
Yeah, well, I like to
keep my place clean.
- And... you're messy.
- No, I'm not!
No, I have a credit at the
Container Store. They know me there.
You're not literally messy.
I mean, you and your
ex-wife and the musical beds?
It's a lot.
- Oh, come on. It's totally...
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Martin?!
Oh crap. We're dead. Hide!
No. We're 40.
Eh, um... just a second.
Dad, can I use your bathroom?
Mason's taking forever.
Let's give Daddy a second.
I think his special
lady friend is in there.
[CHUCKLES] You see? Huh? You
see what I'm up against here?
Your place, please.
- How about tonight?
- I'm in.
- [WINDOW SQUEAKS OPEN]
- ♪
I'm not doing that.
No, totally, I didn't expect you to.
So, uh, seriously...
[EXHALES SHARPLY] What... what's
the plan? Oh. That door? Okay.
- Good. Uh... Oh...
- [DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
Look, we fell asleep last
night watching TV, okay?
I'm an adult, I'm not gonna apologize...
but obviously, I'm incredibly sorry.
Well, since we're ignoring all the rules
that we mutually agreed upon,
maybe Vlad and I can work
inside the house today.
There's virtually no room
to spread out in the garage,
and we need a real work surface.
Okay, yeah, I'm open to that,
but will you stay with the kids tonight,
while I go to Paige's
house for some privacy?
Oh, yeah, privacy?
The thing that dads love
but moms never experience.
- Don't widen this.
- Fine, I'll watch your kids,
but we're working inside.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
♪
Hey, Nathaniel.
Morning, Mr. Dubs. Is Mason
Bourne on the premises?
Checking to see if he wants
to walk to school together.
Um...
Um... sorry, bud, he...
- he already left.
- No problemo.
However, I would love to reconnect.
Could you let him know I came calling?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Will do.
- Cool.
- Cool.
Bye.
What are you doing, treating
Nathaniel like that, huh? Shame on you!
You guys went to pre-school together.
Exactly! And he won't let go.
We have nothing in common anymore, okay?
I've been in a
relationship, for God's sake.
- [CHUCKLES]
- And this kid still plays with Legos.
May I have him?
- Go get your bag. Go.
- [SIGHS]
Mason, Nathaniel, he looks up to you.
He looks up to everybody!
He's tiny! And besides, I'm busy.
There's this girl...
Hazel. Always Hazel.
Someone else.
Whoa! The spell has been broken!
My man! Who's the lucky lady?
Her name's Bronwyn.
What?! Bronwyn? You like Bronwyn?
- That's hilarious.
- Why is it hilarious?
She's, like, the most
pretentious girl in our school.
Shut up, Mae.
You're just mad that she got
voted lit mag editor over you.
That's only because her dad co-wrote
"Diary of an Underpants Weirdo."
He did? I love those books!
Wow, she must be, like, super talented.
Just 'cause her dad's a good
writer doesn't mean she is.
- I'm way more talented.
- Mmm.
Lena? Care to weigh in? Hmm?
Who's a better writer, the
Underpants daughter or our girl?
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- I am sure they're both gifted.
You're not even listening!
Just side with me.
I'm sorry! I would
need to read both first.
No OJ?
Oh, I'll pick some up
after I drop the kids.
- Thanks, honey.
- You're welcome, honey. [SMOOCHING]
- [SMOOCHES]
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, man, Paige was right.
We are messy. We are messy as hell.
LENA: She said that?
Guys, in the car. Milo, let's go!
Hey, I'm warning you,
if Bronwyn steps foot in this house,
there's gonna be hell to pay.
[CHUCKLES] Whatever, Mae.
[SIGHS] Sorry about all that.
- What a madhouse.
- Hmm?
- Should we get started?
- Sure.
First off, um, what are we?
[LAUGHS]
No, seriously.
Us. What... what are we?
Do you mean what are we... romantically?
Yeah.
Nothing?
Oh, okay.
But, um...
What, though?
What, what?
- The kiss?
- Yeah.
I was just trying to prove to
you that I was over Martin...
I see.
I mean, I figured it was okay
because you kissed me
first to make a point.
And I didn't think you
were attracted to me.
I wasn't. And I thought
you were deeply boring.
Like a piece of printer paper.
But then, the kiss was, uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]
- [CELLPHONE CLICKING]
- I knew the word.
It's, uh... like...
Ah, volcanic.
- Really? Wow.
- Yeah.
I mean, I... I don't know what to say.
Well, I mean, is that possible
that we're at the point
where we don't need words anymore?
I don't think so?
Um... [CLICKS MOUTH]
maybe we should just put
a pin in this discussion
and concentrate on the
boards for today's meeting.
Absolutely. Very, uh...
Super smart.
So, um, I mocked this up...
I like this color.
What... what is the soap
you're using? It's so good.
It's scentless. I'm
allergic to scent. It's...
unscented.
So what I'm smelling is...
is just your flesh, huh?
- ♪
- Mm-hmm.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
[HUSHED] So good.
- ♪
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Hey, Bronwyn.
Um, I was just wondering
if you could help me
- with my short story...
- Mm.
since you're such a
great writer and all.
Oh, thanks. It's just in my DNA.
I would share it with you
if I could. Or would I...?
[LAUGHS LOUDLY]
Barf.
So, that's what your brother
looks like flirting, huh?
Yeah. [SIGHS]
Even grosser than I thought.
I know I'll probably
never co-author anything,
but, you know, if you
could just take a look,
- just tell me what you think.
- Like a mentor?
Or a... muse?
Interesting. Mason told me
he couldn't hang out today
'cause he had study hall, but it
would appear he just has... hall.
Open your eyes, kid
you're getting big-timed.
It's so hard for me to
be creative at school.
You know, I just... I
don't feel fertile here.
Okay then, your place. After school?
Cool! Coo... Cool.
He's doing it! He's
actually inviting her over.
Instead of me?!
Okay, I am almost on the verge
of maybe blocking him on Xbox.
Fine, I won't, just in
case he tries to message me.
Please don't tell him I said that.
Seriously, I'll be your slave.
Hey, Nathaniel, got any plans tonight?
You know I don't.
♪
MAYA: So he went soft on you?
This is the whole problem with bad boys.
I mean, you... you
want them to get nicer,
and then the second that they warm up,
- it's game over.
- Oh, no.
You're not taking dating
advice from this woman, are you?
Gene, go get us more water.
Lemme guess. Tap?
I did not see this coming.
Am I, like, a heartbreaker?
Do I, like, ruin men?
Does that guy want me?
Possibly.
I can't get into another
relationship right now.
I have options to explore.
That guy. Wes.
Wes' girlfriend might
wanna do stuff with me...
But, you're not worried
at all about torpedoing
this brand-new business
partnership with Vlad?
Why would it? You think he's
not gonna wanna work with me
- if I don't reciprocate?
- I don't know.
Guy caught feelings. Uh, who
knows how he's gonna react?
Me, I'd burn it down. I'd burn
down everything you ever loved.
[SCOFFS] Don't be silly, Gene!
You've never loved anything.
Tell that to the movie "Dunkirk."
I don't think Vlad would be
anything but professional.
I'll just tell him.
After our meeting.
♪
- Oh, honey, I'm home.
- [LAUGHS]
Come on in.
- [SMOOCHES]
- [PAIGE SIGHS]
Wow!
So, this is you?
This is me.
Mm.
Oh...
- There it is.
- Hmm.
The quiet. Oh, I missed you, quiet.
- It's nice, right? [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Oh, my God, it's so nice.
- I brought you some wine. You're welcome.
- Thank you. [CELLPHONE DINGS]
My ex is dropping off my son soon.
- Oh, so I get to meet your ex.
- Uh, no.
He drops him off. He doesn't come in.
Oh, you... you... you
guys... you don't speak?
We do sometimes, just not
ever once in the past 12 years.
- Oh.
- Sometimes, if I'm feeling nostalgic,
I give him the finger
through the window.
- Mm. [CHUCKLES] Good one.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Hey, Mom.
- Cool Hand Luke!
- Ah! Hey, buddy!
Did you have a good day at sch... Whoa!
He has a tattoo.
- Yeah, it's his body.
- Is it?
Dad said he needs me on
Thanksgiving this year.
What? He had you last year.
- He said you can have my birthday.
- Yeah! I'll bet he did.
Tell him that he still has
to split the party with me.
I will. Love you.
Love you!
Wow.
So he's, like, self-sufficient.
You say that like it's a bad thing...
Oh, he just seems so mature.
Thank you.
- Hardened. Like a war vet...
- [CHUCKLES] Luke's doing great.
- Don't worry.
- Yeah?
What about you, hmm?
You gonna spend Thanksgiving
all by yourself again?
I eat with friends.
I mean, we get loaded, we
go out for Brazilian buffet.
- It's pretty awesome.
- Yeah.
Look, my divorce works for me.
I get the best of both worlds.
I get one-on-one time with my son,
and then when he's with his dad,
- I get plenty of time for myself.
- Mm.
Hey, Mom, is it cool if I
sleep over at Matty's tonight?
You've been gone all week!
She barely got to see you!
It's fine.
Arcade Fire, this
weekend... are we still on?
- Still on.
- [CHUCKLES]
Excuse me, mister. Are
you forgetting something?
Oh, right.
- Here's your check.
- Thank you.
Oh, wait a minute, are
we chargin' this kid rent?
Hmm? Because he's barely here.
It's child support. From my dad.
- ♪
- Oh.
♪
♪
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]
- Oh, crap.
- [CELLPHONE CLICKS]
Martin? Everything okay?
MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, everything's okay.
I, uh... I just wanted
to hear your voice.
I-I mean, I just wanted to say...
[CLEARS THROAT] You're a good mom.
I... I just... I-I like the
kind of mom you are, is all.
So, thank you... for being that way.
- Are you dying?
- No, not yet. [CHUCKLES]
But I did come home early.
And, uh, I'm not gonna be going
out tonight after all, so...
I'll see you when you get here?
Uh, yeah, I'm just... I'm
just walking into a meeting,
and I'll be home right after.
Oh, cool, cool. Cool.
Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm here.
Hey, uh, if you're interested,
there's some chili in the freezer.
Thanks, yeah.
I'm interested.
I feel the story inside me,
clawing to get out, but...
- I dunno how to open the door for it.
- Yeah.
Maybe it shouldn't just be about a hill.
What if you try putting
some people in there?
Okay.
See? It's already getting
better. You're amazing.
Are you guys falling in love?
Dude, don't you have
something you want to go do?
Yes, I'm doing it.
Just pretend he's not here.
[SHRILL LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]
Is that your sister laughing?
That's not my sister.
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
[LAUGHS]
You're pathetic, Mae.
You seriously invited him over here
just to get back at me for Bronwyn?
We're hanging out, Mason.
Ever heard of it? You
should try it sometime...
- with me.
- You're obsessed with me.
Your ego is out of control.
Oh, then he and Bronwyn
are perfect for each other.
- What'd I do?
- It's more of what you didn't do,
which is co-author "Diary
of an Underpants Weirdo"!
- It's inspired by me!
- [BOOK THUDS] Whoops!
Just dropped the
instructions for my 500-piece
special-anniversary
edition Justice League set.
Milo, I'm never gonna play
Lego with you. Just give it up.
Same, dude! Same!
All right, you're ridiculous, huh?
- Let's just put that as a fact. Yes!
- I'm being ridiculous? You invited him over here
- just because I invited her over here.
- Can we just agree that everybody here is being ridiculous?
- You invited Bronwyn, okay?
- Why can't you... guys just quit it?
- ...because it's classic and traditional, okay?
- I'm the one who's not getting...
♪
[ECHOING] Hellew, hellew?
There! You heard it?
Hellew...
- There's an echo.
- Hello.
No, no. It's hellew, hellew...
Okay, wait just a second.
If you stop doing it...
If I stop doing it, you won't hear it.
- Right!
- [SIGHS]
The client's always right.
How about this.
We bring in some textiles,
all in keeping with your Grecian motif.
Maybe some key pattern
rugs, wall tapestries,
silk window treatments, all
very regal, all very grand,
all of which will
absorb the "hellews"...
So cute.
I'm sorry. You're just... so cute.
[CHUCKLES]
I would also love to incorporate
some oversized light fixtures
just to accentuate the
grandeur of the space.
She's just so cute, right?
You know, when I first met her,
even the sound of her voice was grating.
But now, it's like...
[SIGHS]
I just can't get enough.
Vlad, this is not the image
that we want to project.
What do you mean? A sexy couple
that makes houses and love?
That's everybody's dream, no?
And maybe even possibly
a basic cable show.
Look at her face, huh?
She's in.
♪
- [KIDS YELLING OVER EACH OTHER]
- MARTIN: Come on. One at a time.
One at a time. One at a time. Mason!
Listen to me! It should
matter when I yell!
It should matter when I yell!!
How come none of you
are listening to me?!
- It should matter when...
- Kids!
Thank God you're home.
Everyone take a deep breath.
[EVERYONE BREATHES DEEPLY]
Okay, we're going to sit down
and discuss this calmly
over some instant cocoa.
Who wants marshmallows?
MARTIN: [EXCITEDLY]
Marshmallows, please!
[COOLLY] Marshmallows.
Mae,
I understand that you
think Bronwyn can be a lot,
but here's the thing... so can you.
You two have a lot in common.
She and Mason are gonna be hanging out,
so try to be accepting.
And, Mason, if you don't want
to hang out with Nathaniel,
you gotta be up front with him.
I don't want to hang out with you.
And, Nathaniel, you need
to stop being so thirsty.
It's not helping the cause, buddy.
I'll be friends with you!
Milo, what did your father
just say about being thirsty?
Relationships only work if
both people are into them.
Okay, If one isn't, it doesn't
matter how much the other one is.
Where are you on Ninjago?
I'd say I'm Ninjago-curious.
- We'll talk.
- Yes!
- Well, there you go! Everyone good?
- Yeah.
- I guess.
- Okay, good.
- Meeting adjourned.
- Okay. Get up, let's go.
[EXHALES]
[MARTIN CHUCKLES]
[LENA SIGHS]
- What are you gonna do? We're messy.
- Yeah.
You know what?
I don't mind.
I'll take it over the
alternative any day.
- Really?
- Really!
I think we're doing
something right, here.
I can't imagine not being
able to see the kids every day
or not being able to talk to
you just because we aren't...
So are you saying you don't
want to sell the house anymore?
I'm saying that I can't
imagine being divorced
without you guys.
- [LAUGHS]
- [SCREAMS]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Well, in that case...
I'm gonna fire our contractor.
You are? Over what?
He fell for me.
Vlad? Stop it.
He fell hard, bro.
Wait, you're... you're kidding.
You're kidding. You're not kidding?
I'm a man-eater! What can I say?
Uh, what's gonna happen to
your joint business venture?
Well, based on how
intoxicating my flesh is,
I don't think he can work with me.
I mean, I don't think he can
be in the same vicinity as me.
- Okay, wait a minute.
- So, I'm just gonna have to go at it solo.
Wait a minute. I-I...
We-we-we need to get
another packet of hot chocolate
to talk about this. Come on.
Did you guys kiss?
- Oh, yeah.
- You did?!
- And he's not gonna easily forget me.
- Ugh!
- That's all I'm saying.
- Disgusting.
Did you make love to him?
- VLAD: I owe you an apology.
- Oh! Dude!
You scared me.
Yeah, well, I scared myself.
Very unlike me.
Fell for your ex-wife.
She told you?
She mentioned something, yeah.
Well, she just broke it off.
Me working for you, her working
with me. The whole thing.
- [CLICKS MOUTH] Women... [SIGHS]
- Ah, yeah, women.
Do you, um...
Do you think you can put
in a good word for me?
That's a weird ask.
- I'll give you this necklace in return.
- No, uh... Vlad, that's really...
Whoa! That is badass.
- I mean, is the chain the snake?
- Yep.
Why is this thing not on me right now?
Huh? [CHUCKLES]
Nope, it's too weird.
Sorry.
Well...
I gave it my best necklace.
Don't know what else I can do.
Nothing, Vlad, there's
nothing you can do.
Okay? And trust me, it's a good thing.
I mean, l-l-look at me,
sucked in, can't get out.
Firmly under her thumb.
And yet you are smiling.
[SCOFFS] It's like Stockholm Syndrome.
I hate Stockholm.
Exactly.
Be free.
Go live your life, man.
♪
50 bucks for the necklace?
Okay don't move, I'm
gonna get my wallet.
ANNOUNCER: What's in store for
Lena and Martin in the new year?
Find out when Splitting Up
Together returns, January, 8th.
and I think I caught
him off guard, because...
he said I caught him off guard,
and then he wouldn't talk to
me for the rest of the day.
Wow! Your first bad boy.
So, you gonna go full Russian now
and start rockin' high
heels and a floor-length fur
and drinking lots of soup?
Do Russian women drink lots of soup?
I dunno. I've never been anywhere.
Well, I don't think we're
gonna date or anything.
I mean, it was hot,
but I don't really
think I'm Vlad's type.
Yeah. You're way too vanilla.
He probably went and made
out with some club skank after
just to wash the taste of
nerd-mom out of his mouth.
Say what you will but
"Nerd Mom" is doing a-okay.
Check the, uh, scoreboard.
Wes. Vlad.
Two guys.
Yeah! Scoreboard's a two!
That's a two-ski!
A deuce-a-rooni.
Are you making fun
of yourself right now?
No.
♪
♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪
♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪
♪ Through this heaviness
I feel, I just need ♪
♪ Everything's okay ♪
- ♪
- [ALARM RINGING]
- [GROANS AND SIGHS]
- [ALARM CONTINUES]
Hey... good morning.
- Hey.
- 'Sup?
- Mm.
- Hey. Paige, could you...
Um...
First of all, you're great. [CHUCKLES]
Second, could you get
out of here real quick?
- What?
- Lena and I agreed
that we're not supposed to have
overnight guests in the main house...
- Dear God. You people.
- I know. I know,
I know, but you can go out, ring
the doorbell, come right back in.
Cool offer, but I think
I'm gonna head home.
Okay. But for the record,
that's why I suggested
we stay at your place.
Yeah, well, I like to
keep my place clean.
- And... you're messy.
- No, I'm not!
No, I have a credit at the
Container Store. They know me there.
You're not literally messy.
I mean, you and your
ex-wife and the musical beds?
It's a lot.
- Oh, come on. It's totally...
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Martin?!
Oh crap. We're dead. Hide!
No. We're 40.
Eh, um... just a second.
Dad, can I use your bathroom?
Mason's taking forever.
Let's give Daddy a second.
I think his special
lady friend is in there.
[CHUCKLES] You see? Huh? You
see what I'm up against here?
Your place, please.
- How about tonight?
- I'm in.
- [WINDOW SQUEAKS OPEN]
- ♪
I'm not doing that.
No, totally, I didn't expect you to.
So, uh, seriously...
[EXHALES SHARPLY] What... what's
the plan? Oh. That door? Okay.
- Good. Uh... Oh...
- [DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
Look, we fell asleep last
night watching TV, okay?
I'm an adult, I'm not gonna apologize...
but obviously, I'm incredibly sorry.
Well, since we're ignoring all the rules
that we mutually agreed upon,
maybe Vlad and I can work
inside the house today.
There's virtually no room
to spread out in the garage,
and we need a real work surface.
Okay, yeah, I'm open to that,
but will you stay with the kids tonight,
while I go to Paige's
house for some privacy?
Oh, yeah, privacy?
The thing that dads love
but moms never experience.
- Don't widen this.
- Fine, I'll watch your kids,
but we're working inside.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
♪
Hey, Nathaniel.
Morning, Mr. Dubs. Is Mason
Bourne on the premises?
Checking to see if he wants
to walk to school together.
Um...
Um... sorry, bud, he...
- he already left.
- No problemo.
However, I would love to reconnect.
Could you let him know I came calling?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Will do.
- Cool.
- Cool.
Bye.
What are you doing, treating
Nathaniel like that, huh? Shame on you!
You guys went to pre-school together.
Exactly! And he won't let go.
We have nothing in common anymore, okay?
I've been in a
relationship, for God's sake.
- [CHUCKLES]
- And this kid still plays with Legos.
May I have him?
- Go get your bag. Go.
- [SIGHS]
Mason, Nathaniel, he looks up to you.
He looks up to everybody!
He's tiny! And besides, I'm busy.
There's this girl...
Hazel. Always Hazel.
Someone else.
Whoa! The spell has been broken!
My man! Who's the lucky lady?
Her name's Bronwyn.
What?! Bronwyn? You like Bronwyn?
- That's hilarious.
- Why is it hilarious?
She's, like, the most
pretentious girl in our school.
Shut up, Mae.
You're just mad that she got
voted lit mag editor over you.
That's only because her dad co-wrote
"Diary of an Underpants Weirdo."
He did? I love those books!
Wow, she must be, like, super talented.
Just 'cause her dad's a good
writer doesn't mean she is.
- I'm way more talented.
- Mmm.
Lena? Care to weigh in? Hmm?
Who's a better writer, the
Underpants daughter or our girl?
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- I am sure they're both gifted.
You're not even listening!
Just side with me.
I'm sorry! I would
need to read both first.
No OJ?
Oh, I'll pick some up
after I drop the kids.
- Thanks, honey.
- You're welcome, honey. [SMOOCHING]
- [SMOOCHES]
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, man, Paige was right.
We are messy. We are messy as hell.
LENA: She said that?
Guys, in the car. Milo, let's go!
Hey, I'm warning you,
if Bronwyn steps foot in this house,
there's gonna be hell to pay.
[CHUCKLES] Whatever, Mae.
[SIGHS] Sorry about all that.
- What a madhouse.
- Hmm?
- Should we get started?
- Sure.
First off, um, what are we?
[LAUGHS]
No, seriously.
Us. What... what are we?
Do you mean what are we... romantically?
Yeah.
Nothing?
Oh, okay.
But, um...
What, though?
What, what?
- The kiss?
- Yeah.
I was just trying to prove to
you that I was over Martin...
I see.
I mean, I figured it was okay
because you kissed me
first to make a point.
And I didn't think you
were attracted to me.
I wasn't. And I thought
you were deeply boring.
Like a piece of printer paper.
But then, the kiss was, uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]
- [CELLPHONE CLICKING]
- I knew the word.
It's, uh... like...
Ah, volcanic.
- Really? Wow.
- Yeah.
I mean, I... I don't know what to say.
Well, I mean, is that possible
that we're at the point
where we don't need words anymore?
I don't think so?
Um... [CLICKS MOUTH]
maybe we should just put
a pin in this discussion
and concentrate on the
boards for today's meeting.
Absolutely. Very, uh...
Super smart.
So, um, I mocked this up...
I like this color.
What... what is the soap
you're using? It's so good.
It's scentless. I'm
allergic to scent. It's...
unscented.
So what I'm smelling is...
is just your flesh, huh?
- ♪
- Mm-hmm.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
[HUSHED] So good.
- ♪
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
Hey, Bronwyn.
Um, I was just wondering
if you could help me
- with my short story...
- Mm.
since you're such a
great writer and all.
Oh, thanks. It's just in my DNA.
I would share it with you
if I could. Or would I...?
[LAUGHS LOUDLY]
Barf.
So, that's what your brother
looks like flirting, huh?
Yeah. [SIGHS]
Even grosser than I thought.
I know I'll probably
never co-author anything,
but, you know, if you
could just take a look,
- just tell me what you think.
- Like a mentor?
Or a... muse?
Interesting. Mason told me
he couldn't hang out today
'cause he had study hall, but it
would appear he just has... hall.
Open your eyes, kid
you're getting big-timed.
It's so hard for me to
be creative at school.
You know, I just... I
don't feel fertile here.
Okay then, your place. After school?
Cool! Coo... Cool.
He's doing it! He's
actually inviting her over.
Instead of me?!
Okay, I am almost on the verge
of maybe blocking him on Xbox.
Fine, I won't, just in
case he tries to message me.
Please don't tell him I said that.
Seriously, I'll be your slave.
Hey, Nathaniel, got any plans tonight?
You know I don't.
♪
MAYA: So he went soft on you?
This is the whole problem with bad boys.
I mean, you... you
want them to get nicer,
and then the second that they warm up,
- it's game over.
- Oh, no.
You're not taking dating
advice from this woman, are you?
Gene, go get us more water.
Lemme guess. Tap?
I did not see this coming.
Am I, like, a heartbreaker?
Do I, like, ruin men?
Does that guy want me?
Possibly.
I can't get into another
relationship right now.
I have options to explore.
That guy. Wes.
Wes' girlfriend might
wanna do stuff with me...
But, you're not worried
at all about torpedoing
this brand-new business
partnership with Vlad?
Why would it? You think he's
not gonna wanna work with me
- if I don't reciprocate?
- I don't know.
Guy caught feelings. Uh, who
knows how he's gonna react?
Me, I'd burn it down. I'd burn
down everything you ever loved.
[SCOFFS] Don't be silly, Gene!
You've never loved anything.
Tell that to the movie "Dunkirk."
I don't think Vlad would be
anything but professional.
I'll just tell him.
After our meeting.
♪
- Oh, honey, I'm home.
- [LAUGHS]
Come on in.
- [SMOOCHES]
- [PAIGE SIGHS]
Wow!
So, this is you?
This is me.
Mm.
Oh...
- There it is.
- Hmm.
The quiet. Oh, I missed you, quiet.
- It's nice, right? [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Oh, my God, it's so nice.
- I brought you some wine. You're welcome.
- Thank you. [CELLPHONE DINGS]
My ex is dropping off my son soon.
- Oh, so I get to meet your ex.
- Uh, no.
He drops him off. He doesn't come in.
Oh, you... you... you
guys... you don't speak?
We do sometimes, just not
ever once in the past 12 years.
- Oh.
- Sometimes, if I'm feeling nostalgic,
I give him the finger
through the window.
- Mm. [CHUCKLES] Good one.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Hey, Mom.
- Cool Hand Luke!
- Ah! Hey, buddy!
Did you have a good day at sch... Whoa!
He has a tattoo.
- Yeah, it's his body.
- Is it?
Dad said he needs me on
Thanksgiving this year.
What? He had you last year.
- He said you can have my birthday.
- Yeah! I'll bet he did.
Tell him that he still has
to split the party with me.
I will. Love you.
Love you!
Wow.
So he's, like, self-sufficient.
You say that like it's a bad thing...
Oh, he just seems so mature.
Thank you.
- Hardened. Like a war vet...
- [CHUCKLES] Luke's doing great.
- Don't worry.
- Yeah?
What about you, hmm?
You gonna spend Thanksgiving
all by yourself again?
I eat with friends.
I mean, we get loaded, we
go out for Brazilian buffet.
- It's pretty awesome.
- Yeah.
Look, my divorce works for me.
I get the best of both worlds.
I get one-on-one time with my son,
and then when he's with his dad,
- I get plenty of time for myself.
- Mm.
Hey, Mom, is it cool if I
sleep over at Matty's tonight?
You've been gone all week!
She barely got to see you!
It's fine.
Arcade Fire, this
weekend... are we still on?
- Still on.
- [CHUCKLES]
Excuse me, mister. Are
you forgetting something?
Oh, right.
- Here's your check.
- Thank you.
Oh, wait a minute, are
we chargin' this kid rent?
Hmm? Because he's barely here.
It's child support. From my dad.
- ♪
- Oh.
♪
♪
[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]
- Oh, crap.
- [CELLPHONE CLICKS]
Martin? Everything okay?
MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, everything's okay.
I, uh... I just wanted
to hear your voice.
I-I mean, I just wanted to say...
[CLEARS THROAT] You're a good mom.
I... I just... I-I like the
kind of mom you are, is all.
So, thank you... for being that way.
- Are you dying?
- No, not yet. [CHUCKLES]
But I did come home early.
And, uh, I'm not gonna be going
out tonight after all, so...
I'll see you when you get here?
Uh, yeah, I'm just... I'm
just walking into a meeting,
and I'll be home right after.
Oh, cool, cool. Cool.
Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm here.
Hey, uh, if you're interested,
there's some chili in the freezer.
Thanks, yeah.
I'm interested.
I feel the story inside me,
clawing to get out, but...
- I dunno how to open the door for it.
- Yeah.
Maybe it shouldn't just be about a hill.
What if you try putting
some people in there?
Okay.
See? It's already getting
better. You're amazing.
Are you guys falling in love?
Dude, don't you have
something you want to go do?
Yes, I'm doing it.
Just pretend he's not here.
[SHRILL LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]
Is that your sister laughing?
That's not my sister.
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
[LAUGHS]
You're pathetic, Mae.
You seriously invited him over here
just to get back at me for Bronwyn?
We're hanging out, Mason.
Ever heard of it? You
should try it sometime...
- with me.
- You're obsessed with me.
Your ego is out of control.
Oh, then he and Bronwyn
are perfect for each other.
- What'd I do?
- It's more of what you didn't do,
which is co-author "Diary
of an Underpants Weirdo"!
- It's inspired by me!
- [BOOK THUDS] Whoops!
Just dropped the
instructions for my 500-piece
special-anniversary
edition Justice League set.
Milo, I'm never gonna play
Lego with you. Just give it up.
Same, dude! Same!
All right, you're ridiculous, huh?
- Let's just put that as a fact. Yes!
- I'm being ridiculous? You invited him over here
- just because I invited her over here.
- Can we just agree that everybody here is being ridiculous?
- You invited Bronwyn, okay?
- Why can't you... guys just quit it?
- ...because it's classic and traditional, okay?
- I'm the one who's not getting...
♪
[ECHOING] Hellew, hellew?
There! You heard it?
Hellew...
- There's an echo.
- Hello.
No, no. It's hellew, hellew...
Okay, wait just a second.
If you stop doing it...
If I stop doing it, you won't hear it.
- Right!
- [SIGHS]
The client's always right.
How about this.
We bring in some textiles,
all in keeping with your Grecian motif.
Maybe some key pattern
rugs, wall tapestries,
silk window treatments, all
very regal, all very grand,
all of which will
absorb the "hellews"...
So cute.
I'm sorry. You're just... so cute.
[CHUCKLES]
I would also love to incorporate
some oversized light fixtures
just to accentuate the
grandeur of the space.
She's just so cute, right?
You know, when I first met her,
even the sound of her voice was grating.
But now, it's like...
[SIGHS]
I just can't get enough.
Vlad, this is not the image
that we want to project.
What do you mean? A sexy couple
that makes houses and love?
That's everybody's dream, no?
And maybe even possibly
a basic cable show.
Look at her face, huh?
She's in.
♪
- [KIDS YELLING OVER EACH OTHER]
- MARTIN: Come on. One at a time.
One at a time. One at a time. Mason!
Listen to me! It should
matter when I yell!
It should matter when I yell!!
How come none of you
are listening to me?!
- It should matter when...
- Kids!
Thank God you're home.
Everyone take a deep breath.
[EVERYONE BREATHES DEEPLY]
Okay, we're going to sit down
and discuss this calmly
over some instant cocoa.
Who wants marshmallows?
MARTIN: [EXCITEDLY]
Marshmallows, please!
[COOLLY] Marshmallows.
Mae,
I understand that you
think Bronwyn can be a lot,
but here's the thing... so can you.
You two have a lot in common.
She and Mason are gonna be hanging out,
so try to be accepting.
And, Mason, if you don't want
to hang out with Nathaniel,
you gotta be up front with him.
I don't want to hang out with you.
And, Nathaniel, you need
to stop being so thirsty.
It's not helping the cause, buddy.
I'll be friends with you!
Milo, what did your father
just say about being thirsty?
Relationships only work if
both people are into them.
Okay, If one isn't, it doesn't
matter how much the other one is.
Where are you on Ninjago?
I'd say I'm Ninjago-curious.
- We'll talk.
- Yes!
- Well, there you go! Everyone good?
- Yeah.
- I guess.
- Okay, good.
- Meeting adjourned.
- Okay. Get up, let's go.
[EXHALES]
[MARTIN CHUCKLES]
[LENA SIGHS]
- What are you gonna do? We're messy.
- Yeah.
You know what?
I don't mind.
I'll take it over the
alternative any day.
- Really?
- Really!
I think we're doing
something right, here.
I can't imagine not being
able to see the kids every day
or not being able to talk to
you just because we aren't...
So are you saying you don't
want to sell the house anymore?
I'm saying that I can't
imagine being divorced
without you guys.
- [LAUGHS]
- [SCREAMS]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Well, in that case...
I'm gonna fire our contractor.
You are? Over what?
He fell for me.
Vlad? Stop it.
He fell hard, bro.
Wait, you're... you're kidding.
You're kidding. You're not kidding?
I'm a man-eater! What can I say?
Uh, what's gonna happen to
your joint business venture?
Well, based on how
intoxicating my flesh is,
I don't think he can work with me.
I mean, I don't think he can
be in the same vicinity as me.
- Okay, wait a minute.
- So, I'm just gonna have to go at it solo.
Wait a minute. I-I...
We-we-we need to get
another packet of hot chocolate
to talk about this. Come on.
Did you guys kiss?
- Oh, yeah.
- You did?!
- And he's not gonna easily forget me.
- Ugh!
- That's all I'm saying.
- Disgusting.
Did you make love to him?
- VLAD: I owe you an apology.
- Oh! Dude!
You scared me.
Yeah, well, I scared myself.
Very unlike me.
Fell for your ex-wife.
She told you?
She mentioned something, yeah.
Well, she just broke it off.
Me working for you, her working
with me. The whole thing.
- [CLICKS MOUTH] Women... [SIGHS]
- Ah, yeah, women.
Do you, um...
Do you think you can put
in a good word for me?
That's a weird ask.
- I'll give you this necklace in return.
- No, uh... Vlad, that's really...
Whoa! That is badass.
- I mean, is the chain the snake?
- Yep.
Why is this thing not on me right now?
Huh? [CHUCKLES]
Nope, it's too weird.
Sorry.
Well...
I gave it my best necklace.
Don't know what else I can do.
Nothing, Vlad, there's
nothing you can do.
Okay? And trust me, it's a good thing.
I mean, l-l-look at me,
sucked in, can't get out.
Firmly under her thumb.
And yet you are smiling.
[SCOFFS] It's like Stockholm Syndrome.
I hate Stockholm.
Exactly.
Be free.
Go live your life, man.
♪
50 bucks for the necklace?
Okay don't move, I'm
gonna get my wallet.
ANNOUNCER: What's in store for
Lena and Martin in the new year?
Find out when Splitting Up
Together returns, January, 8th.