Splitting Up Together (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Baby's First Job Interview - full transcript
_
Ew.
It's the Yellow Pages.
I know. That's what the "ew" was for.
It's stupid and it's ugly and I hate.
I'm in here. Under "Gilded Lotus."
- Ooh, Gilded Lotus.
- It's the name of my business.
It sounds like a vagina-piercing place.
No, it doesn't. It's a
play on "gilding the lily."
So why didn't you just
call it "Gilded Lily"?
Because that name was taken.
By a vagina-piercing place.
You know, when I'm
interested in hiring someone,
- the first thing I do is I get the phone book...
- Yeah.
- and if their name is in here...
- Right?
I don't hire them. It's 2019.
It's all about branding
yourself on social media.
It just so happens I'm in
a ton of Facebook groups.
And I tweet up a storm.
I am on Instagram.
You have 14 followers.
It's not about quantity.
It's about quality.
No, it's about quantity. You're wrong.
Oh god, yeah, e-even
Mae doesn't follow you.
- Mae is a tough nut to crack...
- She follows Arthur.
Okay, don't worry. I'm gonna help you.
If you want your business to blow
up, you have to project success.
- Are you suggesting...
- I think we should buy you some followers.
You can Venmo me back.
I don't have that. I
can write you a check.
I can't even look at you right now.
♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪
♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪
♪ Through this heaviness
I feel, I just need ♪
- ♪ Everything's okay ♪
- Mm...?
Your very own bedroom.
Look at this, man. How cool is this?
Did you say utilities were included?
Yep. And the best part is...
lint time!
You never know what you're
gonna find in the lint filter.
Ta-da!
Wow. 25 cents.
You know, just because I
live in the laundry room,
don't expect me to fold
everyone else's clothes.
Learning a trade would be good for you.
Hey, hey! I-I'll take that.
Easy, buddy. What's up
with you and the turtle?
Gee, I don't know. What's
up with you and my mom?
Excuse me? What...
Hey, is everything okay?
Hmm? Is this about the laundry?
Because you don't have to really do it.
It ain't about the laundry.
It's just I don't like prying questions.
And I can see that you don't, either.
So let's just remember that.
Hey, you guys, it's Tamryn
Tomas Vandaloo... TTV.
You guys, is this mole growing?
It's like, "Seriously,
mole? Right now, mole?
You're gonna do this?"
Anyway, I am currently in my
daughter Rabbit's playroom,
and, as you can see, it's really gross
and she never, ever wants to be here.
Does anyone have any pro tips?
"Chair swing.
Massive wall decal with
shelves you can climb.
Bring the outdoors in."
Hey. You guys grammin'?
Are you just lurkin'?
I used to be a lurker m'self.
Hey, there's a lotta new
content on my page these days.
Unsubscribe.
Oh, schnapp!
Mom's blowin' up! I just
got a reply from TTV.
Stop it. Mason, she loves my
ideas. She wants to discuss.
TTV! So cool.
- Sounds like a bot.
- You're a bot.
- Lena. We have a problem.
- Hey.
I found this in Milo's book bag.
It's the Room Mom sign-up sheet.
Oh, I-I don't think I
can do that this year.
I'm trying to get my
business off the ground.
Oh, yeah. Pink Lotus.
- Gilded Lotus. I'm changing it.
- Oh.
What, are you gonna hang
up your Room Mom Keds?
Turning in your glue gun?
Between Mae, Mason, and the
last four years with Milo,
I've been Room Mom for over a decade.
Come on. You're not seriously
- gonna make me feel bad about this.
- No, no, no...
I'm not trying to make you feel
guilty. I swear it. I-I just...
I'm worried about Milo...
you know? I don't know if it's
a delayed reaction to the divorce
or it's because we've moved
him into the laundry room,
but the kid is just not himself.
Hey! It looks great in here.
Yeah, I love what you've
done with the place, bud.
Oh!
- Oh, thank you for that.
- No problem.
So, um..
it looks like I'm not gonna be
able to be Room Mom this year.
That's fine. I know women everywhere
are counting on you for
their hysterectomies.
Okay, that's not what I do.
- Oh, no?
- No.
I want to help people by
decorating their houses.
Oh, well, that's also important work.
But I wanna make sure
you don't feel neglected.
On the contrary. Don't worry
about me. Please. Carry on.
Ah.
Oh, okay. Maybe...
- there's a way I can figure out how to...
- Ask me to be Room Mom?
No need. I am on it! I'm in!
You're not exactly Room Mom material...
No, I am not, son. I
am Room Dad material.
I'm gonna dad that room until
it forgets it even had a mom.
- Really, Martin? Are you sure?
- Yes.
Yeah, you know what? It's my turn, okay?
I-I-it was probably my turn
a lot of turns ago, so...
I feel like I want to
hug you. Can I hug you?
I'm not in the business
of turning down hugs.
♪ What we gonna do when
the vibe roll through? ♪
♪ When it's feeling so good and
it's feeling so new, it's lit ♪
- H... Oh, hi!
- Oh, my God, you guys. Look at her.
She's so confused. I'm
Instastorying our meet-cute.
- Oh! I didn't realize our meet
- ♪ It's lit ♪
was gonna be so cute. Um...
I'm Lena. Hashtag hope there's a filter.
That really sucked.
Yeah, I'm not gonna post that.
Hi!
Ow! Ohh!
Oh, I want you to meet
my daughter, Rabbit,
and her rabbit, Pamela Catherine.
Hi!
Rabbit always wanted a rabbit,
but we were worried it was
gonna be just super confusing,
so we named her Pamela Catherine.
- That makes sense.
- ♪ Run that beat back ♪
Quick poll, you guys... hire or fire?
Gainfully employed or...
living on the streets like a hobo
with a long stick and a bandana?
Okay, just to clarify,
if this doesn't work out,
I won't be living on the street!
I was talking to my followers.
Gotcha. Gotcha. I just didn't
want them to worry about me.
They won't.
Okay.
So tell us your ideas.
Oh, what? Oh, now you're talking to me.
Okay. So, Tamryn, I die
for your modern aesthetic,
but this playroom needs a serious
dose of warmth and playfulness.
I'm picturing a woodland wonderland,
where the centerpiece
is a giant tree with a hollow center
that doubles as a reading nook,
and this floor-to-ceiling moss wall
- that has just little, fake flowers...
- ♪ It's lit ♪
that can be picked and replanted.
Okay, little mama.
You just earned yourself a job.
- Aah!
- ♪ Run that beat back, let me show 'em what's up ♪
♪ Hey, hey, it's a party over here ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey, it's a party over here ♪
- Milo!
- ♪ Hey, hey, it's a party over here ♪
- Hey, guys.
Rules the school...
just like his old man.
Hey, welcome aboard.
Hello. Milo's dad, reporting for duty.
Uh, what exactly are my duties?
Oh, helping out with special
projects, overseeing hot lunch.
Oh, and putting together
- our upcoming 100 Days of School party.
- Ooh!
- You actually get to help choose the theme.
- Hmm. Oh, okay.
Let's see... Hollywood Nights!
Ooh. How about "Black Panther"?
Neon Carnival?
- "Black Panther."
- "Great Gatsby."
Listen, Milo's dad, it's
gonna be "Black Panther."
Wakanda forever, okay?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah? Okay.
Give it to me.
What the hell?
Hey, hey. Buddy, what, uh...
what's going on over there
with the money and the...
and the bow?
I-I don't know anything.
I'm the Room Dad. You can talk to me.
I'm too scared.
Scared of what?
Milo.
It's crazy!
Did you hear the rumor that she
dated both Property Brothers?
Everybody heard. She made sure of that.
I don't think I've ever
seen this side before.
- What side?
- You're jealous.
Jealous?
Ooh, you even have a
weird jealous laugh.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
I am happy for you.
- I'm practically elated.
- Ha!
Okay, look,
it's just that I've seen
the way that she operates.
She'll chew you up, she'll
suck out all your content,
and she'll leave you on the side
of the road, gasping for air.
TTV is supportive.
Whereas you made fun of my Yellow Pages.
I bought you followers,
okay? I accepted a check.
I didn't even know I could do that.
TTV accepts me for who I am.
No. She exploits you for who you are.
For Tamryn, this is
just about her increasing
her female followers, okay?
This is not about your design skills.
You're wrong. She hired
me to design her playroom.
Our relationship is
based on mutual respect
and is strictly 100% professional.
- You guys,
- ♪ Whoo ♪
these paper straws make us want to vom.
- Vom!
- Ugh!
- ♪ Okay, step back, here comes the queen ♪
- I can't even.
Oh, Lena. So pliable.
Well, looks like you're my new BFF.
I knew you'd get there.
What kind of racket you running here?
Look who's back. "Mr. Questions."
Are you a bully?
A bully? Quite the opposite.
Roger was just repaying a few bucks
I loaned him on the bake sale day.
He's a good kid.
Hey, boss. This guy bothering you?
Whoa. Didn't know the
school was K through...
- 30.
- I'm a sixth grader.
It's cool, Owen. This is my dad.
Copy that, boss.
Ah, can I just have all the wine?
Can I have all the wine, please?
Ugh! You even sound like her.
Well, maybe that's why
I had a follow spike.
Baby's first follow spike. 16,000!
Did you see?
I think it's 'cause she
tags me in everything.
Actually, 5,000 of those
followers are from me.
Thank you.
But actually, I don't think
we even needed to buy them.
I'm just... I feel so blessed
to be working with an
influencer who is so influential.
Hmm.
- So how's that playroom coming along?
- Hmm?
The job she actually hired you to do?
Designing the playroom?
Totally. So crazy!
She boomeranged our Vom
Straws, and it went viral.
Look at how many views!
Mm. No, thanks.
Where are you going?
Well, you said you wanted all the wine.
It's all yours!
I should story this.
Wait.
Good morning, Ms. David. Uh, I
just wanted to grab a quick word
- before class. Hi.
- There he is!
Our Room Baba.
"Baba" means "father" in Wakandan.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Um, so, I'm just a little bit concerned
- about Milo.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, it's starting
to look like he, um...
I'm j... I'm just getting this
feeling that he might be...
I don't know, a bully.
- What? What?
- That's absurd.
Milo is a gorgeous and wildly popular
golden-haired child
who's probably gonna
- out-earn us all.
- Okay, okay, stop.
He's got some goon working for him.
- Goon?
- Yeah, Owen.
He's like a... He's a sixth grader.
Have you been interacting
- with sixth graders?
- No.
Because as a third-grade Room Parent,
that's strictly against school rules.
- There. Did you see that?
- What?
- What?
- Look, look, look, look!
Hello, Ms. David.
Hey, superstar
- You missed it. He... he just did the thing.
- I think I know what's going on here.
Your ex-wife, Lena, she
was Room Parent royalty.
The stuff legends are made of.
Here comes Baba, feeling all threatened.
- No.
- He starts swinging his hose around,
- lookin' for a fire to put out...
- Mnh-mnh.
but there is... no.. fire.
Do I make myself clear?
Yeah?
Ooh! Really good news!
- We did it.
- What did we do?!
We broke through.
Our hashtag "mommyfriendship"
delivered thousands
of unique impressions
in the coveted 47-55 demo
that I was so sorely lacking in.
- My sponsors are so stoked.
- That's amazing!
- I know.
- And they are going to love
that playroom centerpiece
I told you about.
- I found someone who can fabricate...
- Cool, cool, cool.
So, can we put a pin
in this for one second
because I actually need
your design expertise
on a much more pressing project.
Rabbit's seven-month birthday.
You want me to plan your
pet's birthday party?
Oh, you're thinking of
Pamela. Rabbit's my daughter.
I don't know why you
get confused by that.
Yeah. I j... But...
- you know, I'm not really a party planner.
- Supes interesante.
I love that backstory.
So, uh, this, I promise,
will be the only non-playroom
favor that I ask of you. I swear.
Okay. Well, if I do it, will
you at least mention my company?
No can do, baby.
Technically, I can only
mention two companies
and those are MeUndies
and Westside Rentals.
So, I have purchased...
900 balloons.
And I need every last breath
in that adorable little
body to inflate them.
You're a legend!
I'm telling you, man,
the teacher is in on it!
The kids, they're too scared to
even make eye contact with Milo.
I've heard that's what it's
like working for Dr. Phil.
I take the reins for one
minute and this is what happens?
My 8-year-old is shaking kids down?
You know what you have to
do, bro. Toss his room, man.
Full-blown search and seizure.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, going through his
stuff, that's a violation.
It just means you want to keep him safe.
Same reason why I go through
Camille's purse at night
- while she's sleeping.
- You do?
Yeah, I look at her receipts,
I pay her parking tickets.
I learned all kinds of things about her,
things I would never know otherwise.
She's a bad tipper, bro.
Dude, okay, okay. No, he's... he's...
he is on a field trip right now,
so if we go in there, no
one's gonna even know that...
Goin' in.
- Aha!
- What are you thinking?
Static Touch Plasma Sphere
with Mini Tesla Energy Coil.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me try.
"To William, love Gramma Bea."?
Josh Jr., you sneaky
bastard, you know something.
You want me to slice that turtle?
What the hell, dude?
Where did you get that?
Camille's purse. I told
you. It's treasure trove.
Cut him.
Oh!
What is this golden-haired
Svengali up to?
I don't know, but I want in.
♪ I put a spell on you ♪
♪ Because you're mine ♪
Hey, it's Camille. You
should know I'm text-only.
- Never do this again.
- ♪ You better stop the things you do ♪
_
♪ Because ♪
♪ You're mine ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Uh, does your character have blond hair?
No. No, he does not.
Milo. We need to talk. Now.
We don't talk during "Guess
Who?" unless we're guessing who.
Up.
Fine.
Okay, the jig is up.
I found your stash and your cash.
I cut William a deal, and
he's gonna sing like a bird.
This is your last chance
to come clean with me.
Oh, fine.
I run a very profitable
organization called "Club Milo."
I charge monthly dues, but in exchange,
you get a place at my
lunch table and in my heart.
People want that? What,
they pay for your company?
Premium members get a
T-shirt with my face on it,
- and I'll call you on your birthday...
- Milo.
Friendship isn't commerce, pal.
You can't sell it.
You should try following the
example of your older siblings
who show you kindness
because they love you
- and you're their brother.
- You kidding?
That's why I came up with Club Milo.
- I pay them to spend time with me.
- What?
Mae! Mason! I want you in
Milo's fluff and fold now!
- You shrieked?
- What's up?
Are you two selling
yourselves to your brother?
- Pretty much.
- Yeah, kinda.
What... what is wrong with
you? Have you no decency?
He pays, and he pays well.
I-I don't know whether
to be proud or horrified.
Okay. Okay. You two.
You guys, return all that
money you accepted from Milo.
And you.
You are gonna shut down your club
and refund all of the membership fees.
And furthermore,
the three of you are gonna be
punished if you do not continue to have
a loving relationship with each other.
For free.
Oh, my God. You're finally
here. So, I need a favor, baby.
The clown I hired canceled.
So you need me to find
someone else last minute?
No, I already found someone last minute.
Oh, and I will remember
to shout-out your business.
What is the name of it
again? Golden Cervix?
Here's the thing, Tamryn, and, um...
I've really thought a lot about this,
and even with the shout-out, I
only want to be your designer.
I don't want to do any
of this other stuff.
I feel like you're really
selling yourself short.
You're so much more than a designer.
What does that word even mean?
You're like a mother figure to Rabbit
and totally on-brand friend.
I have my own friends,
and I have my own kids.
I just need a job.
This is the job.
Then I'm not interested.
Well, then, I'm not interested.
You see that, though? How
much we have in common?
Room Baba?
- Hm-hmm.
- This place looks great.
And you cooked dinner?
- It's not even your week.
- Stop it.
I told you it's my turn
to pick up the slack.
Well, speaking of slack,
I missed the 100 Days of School party.
Oh, God. Who cares? How many
times have I missed that thing?
- 79.
- Oh, good.
- So you were counting.
- Mmm!
- This is really good.
- Yeah? Here, here, here.
- Try it with some bread.
- Oh.
- So I have a little update on the Milo front.
- Mm.
His odd behavior
wasn't about the divorce
or the downsizing of his
room, so we're not bad parents.
No, he was just acting weird because
he's running an extortion scheme!
Oh.
Mm. Well, we are bad parents,
just not the way that we thought.
- You know what? I'll take it.
- Hmm?
Oh, and I seized hundreds of dollars
that's he's been
laundering inside Josh Jr.
Wait.
- Did Milo make more money than me this week?
- Mm-hmm.
- But I thought we could put it towards college.
- Hmm.
- Or bail. Mm?
- Mm.
- Bail.
- Probably...
You wanna make skinny
margs and drinkstagram?
Not for a million [BLEEP] dollars.
Well, what if I just said... sorry?
I'm sorry, too.
I should have been more
supportive and less threatened.
No, Camille, you were
right. She was using me.
And after we parted ways,
all of her followers unfollowed me.
Now I'm back down to
the 5,000 you bought me.
BFFs again?
I mean,
I've never banged a
Property Brother, but...
sure.
Ew.
It's the Yellow Pages.
I know. That's what the "ew" was for.
It's stupid and it's ugly and I hate.
I'm in here. Under "Gilded Lotus."
- Ooh, Gilded Lotus.
- It's the name of my business.
It sounds like a vagina-piercing place.
No, it doesn't. It's a
play on "gilding the lily."
So why didn't you just
call it "Gilded Lily"?
Because that name was taken.
By a vagina-piercing place.
You know, when I'm
interested in hiring someone,
- the first thing I do is I get the phone book...
- Yeah.
- and if their name is in here...
- Right?
I don't hire them. It's 2019.
It's all about branding
yourself on social media.
It just so happens I'm in
a ton of Facebook groups.
And I tweet up a storm.
I am on Instagram.
You have 14 followers.
It's not about quantity.
It's about quality.
No, it's about quantity. You're wrong.
Oh god, yeah, e-even
Mae doesn't follow you.
- Mae is a tough nut to crack...
- She follows Arthur.
Okay, don't worry. I'm gonna help you.
If you want your business to blow
up, you have to project success.
- Are you suggesting...
- I think we should buy you some followers.
You can Venmo me back.
I don't have that. I
can write you a check.
I can't even look at you right now.
♪ Keep giving me hope for a better day ♪
♪ Keep giving me love to find a way ♪
♪ Through this heaviness
I feel, I just need ♪
- ♪ Everything's okay ♪
- Mm...?
Your very own bedroom.
Look at this, man. How cool is this?
Did you say utilities were included?
Yep. And the best part is...
lint time!
You never know what you're
gonna find in the lint filter.
Ta-da!
Wow. 25 cents.
You know, just because I
live in the laundry room,
don't expect me to fold
everyone else's clothes.
Learning a trade would be good for you.
Hey, hey! I-I'll take that.
Easy, buddy. What's up
with you and the turtle?
Gee, I don't know. What's
up with you and my mom?
Excuse me? What...
Hey, is everything okay?
Hmm? Is this about the laundry?
Because you don't have to really do it.
It ain't about the laundry.
It's just I don't like prying questions.
And I can see that you don't, either.
So let's just remember that.
Hey, you guys, it's Tamryn
Tomas Vandaloo... TTV.
You guys, is this mole growing?
It's like, "Seriously,
mole? Right now, mole?
You're gonna do this?"
Anyway, I am currently in my
daughter Rabbit's playroom,
and, as you can see, it's really gross
and she never, ever wants to be here.
Does anyone have any pro tips?
"Chair swing.
Massive wall decal with
shelves you can climb.
Bring the outdoors in."
Hey. You guys grammin'?
Are you just lurkin'?
I used to be a lurker m'self.
Hey, there's a lotta new
content on my page these days.
Unsubscribe.
Oh, schnapp!
Mom's blowin' up! I just
got a reply from TTV.
Stop it. Mason, she loves my
ideas. She wants to discuss.
TTV! So cool.
- Sounds like a bot.
- You're a bot.
- Lena. We have a problem.
- Hey.
I found this in Milo's book bag.
It's the Room Mom sign-up sheet.
Oh, I-I don't think I
can do that this year.
I'm trying to get my
business off the ground.
Oh, yeah. Pink Lotus.
- Gilded Lotus. I'm changing it.
- Oh.
What, are you gonna hang
up your Room Mom Keds?
Turning in your glue gun?
Between Mae, Mason, and the
last four years with Milo,
I've been Room Mom for over a decade.
Come on. You're not seriously
- gonna make me feel bad about this.
- No, no, no...
I'm not trying to make you feel
guilty. I swear it. I-I just...
I'm worried about Milo...
you know? I don't know if it's
a delayed reaction to the divorce
or it's because we've moved
him into the laundry room,
but the kid is just not himself.
Hey! It looks great in here.
Yeah, I love what you've
done with the place, bud.
Oh!
- Oh, thank you for that.
- No problem.
So, um..
it looks like I'm not gonna be
able to be Room Mom this year.
That's fine. I know women everywhere
are counting on you for
their hysterectomies.
Okay, that's not what I do.
- Oh, no?
- No.
I want to help people by
decorating their houses.
Oh, well, that's also important work.
But I wanna make sure
you don't feel neglected.
On the contrary. Don't worry
about me. Please. Carry on.
Ah.
Oh, okay. Maybe...
- there's a way I can figure out how to...
- Ask me to be Room Mom?
No need. I am on it! I'm in!
You're not exactly Room Mom material...
No, I am not, son. I
am Room Dad material.
I'm gonna dad that room until
it forgets it even had a mom.
- Really, Martin? Are you sure?
- Yes.
Yeah, you know what? It's my turn, okay?
I-I-it was probably my turn
a lot of turns ago, so...
I feel like I want to
hug you. Can I hug you?
I'm not in the business
of turning down hugs.
♪ What we gonna do when
the vibe roll through? ♪
♪ When it's feeling so good and
it's feeling so new, it's lit ♪
- H... Oh, hi!
- Oh, my God, you guys. Look at her.
She's so confused. I'm
Instastorying our meet-cute.
- Oh! I didn't realize our meet
- ♪ It's lit ♪
was gonna be so cute. Um...
I'm Lena. Hashtag hope there's a filter.
That really sucked.
Yeah, I'm not gonna post that.
Hi!
Ow! Ohh!
Oh, I want you to meet
my daughter, Rabbit,
and her rabbit, Pamela Catherine.
Hi!
Rabbit always wanted a rabbit,
but we were worried it was
gonna be just super confusing,
so we named her Pamela Catherine.
- That makes sense.
- ♪ Run that beat back ♪
Quick poll, you guys... hire or fire?
Gainfully employed or...
living on the streets like a hobo
with a long stick and a bandana?
Okay, just to clarify,
if this doesn't work out,
I won't be living on the street!
I was talking to my followers.
Gotcha. Gotcha. I just didn't
want them to worry about me.
They won't.
Okay.
So tell us your ideas.
Oh, what? Oh, now you're talking to me.
Okay. So, Tamryn, I die
for your modern aesthetic,
but this playroom needs a serious
dose of warmth and playfulness.
I'm picturing a woodland wonderland,
where the centerpiece
is a giant tree with a hollow center
that doubles as a reading nook,
and this floor-to-ceiling moss wall
- that has just little, fake flowers...
- ♪ It's lit ♪
that can be picked and replanted.
Okay, little mama.
You just earned yourself a job.
- Aah!
- ♪ Run that beat back, let me show 'em what's up ♪
♪ Hey, hey, it's a party over here ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey, it's a party over here ♪
- Milo!
- ♪ Hey, hey, it's a party over here ♪
- Hey, guys.
Rules the school...
just like his old man.
Hey, welcome aboard.
Hello. Milo's dad, reporting for duty.
Uh, what exactly are my duties?
Oh, helping out with special
projects, overseeing hot lunch.
Oh, and putting together
- our upcoming 100 Days of School party.
- Ooh!
- You actually get to help choose the theme.
- Hmm. Oh, okay.
Let's see... Hollywood Nights!
Ooh. How about "Black Panther"?
Neon Carnival?
- "Black Panther."
- "Great Gatsby."
Listen, Milo's dad, it's
gonna be "Black Panther."
Wakanda forever, okay?
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah? Okay.
Give it to me.
What the hell?
Hey, hey. Buddy, what, uh...
what's going on over there
with the money and the...
and the bow?
I-I don't know anything.
I'm the Room Dad. You can talk to me.
I'm too scared.
Scared of what?
Milo.
It's crazy!
Did you hear the rumor that she
dated both Property Brothers?
Everybody heard. She made sure of that.
I don't think I've ever
seen this side before.
- What side?
- You're jealous.
Jealous?
Ooh, you even have a
weird jealous laugh.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
I am happy for you.
- I'm practically elated.
- Ha!
Okay, look,
it's just that I've seen
the way that she operates.
She'll chew you up, she'll
suck out all your content,
and she'll leave you on the side
of the road, gasping for air.
TTV is supportive.
Whereas you made fun of my Yellow Pages.
I bought you followers,
okay? I accepted a check.
I didn't even know I could do that.
TTV accepts me for who I am.
No. She exploits you for who you are.
For Tamryn, this is
just about her increasing
her female followers, okay?
This is not about your design skills.
You're wrong. She hired
me to design her playroom.
Our relationship is
based on mutual respect
and is strictly 100% professional.
- You guys,
- ♪ Whoo ♪
these paper straws make us want to vom.
- Vom!
- Ugh!
- ♪ Okay, step back, here comes the queen ♪
- I can't even.
Oh, Lena. So pliable.
Well, looks like you're my new BFF.
I knew you'd get there.
What kind of racket you running here?
Look who's back. "Mr. Questions."
Are you a bully?
A bully? Quite the opposite.
Roger was just repaying a few bucks
I loaned him on the bake sale day.
He's a good kid.
Hey, boss. This guy bothering you?
Whoa. Didn't know the
school was K through...
- 30.
- I'm a sixth grader.
It's cool, Owen. This is my dad.
Copy that, boss.
Ah, can I just have all the wine?
Can I have all the wine, please?
Ugh! You even sound like her.
Well, maybe that's why
I had a follow spike.
Baby's first follow spike. 16,000!
Did you see?
I think it's 'cause she
tags me in everything.
Actually, 5,000 of those
followers are from me.
Thank you.
But actually, I don't think
we even needed to buy them.
I'm just... I feel so blessed
to be working with an
influencer who is so influential.
Hmm.
- So how's that playroom coming along?
- Hmm?
The job she actually hired you to do?
Designing the playroom?
Totally. So crazy!
She boomeranged our Vom
Straws, and it went viral.
Look at how many views!
Mm. No, thanks.
Where are you going?
Well, you said you wanted all the wine.
It's all yours!
I should story this.
Wait.
Good morning, Ms. David. Uh, I
just wanted to grab a quick word
- before class. Hi.
- There he is!
Our Room Baba.
"Baba" means "father" in Wakandan.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Um, so, I'm just a little bit concerned
- about Milo.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, it's starting
to look like he, um...
I'm j... I'm just getting this
feeling that he might be...
I don't know, a bully.
- What? What?
- That's absurd.
Milo is a gorgeous and wildly popular
golden-haired child
who's probably gonna
- out-earn us all.
- Okay, okay, stop.
He's got some goon working for him.
- Goon?
- Yeah, Owen.
He's like a... He's a sixth grader.
Have you been interacting
- with sixth graders?
- No.
Because as a third-grade Room Parent,
that's strictly against school rules.
- There. Did you see that?
- What?
- What?
- Look, look, look, look!
Hello, Ms. David.
Hey, superstar
- You missed it. He... he just did the thing.
- I think I know what's going on here.
Your ex-wife, Lena, she
was Room Parent royalty.
The stuff legends are made of.
Here comes Baba, feeling all threatened.
- No.
- He starts swinging his hose around,
- lookin' for a fire to put out...
- Mnh-mnh.
but there is... no.. fire.
Do I make myself clear?
Yeah?
Ooh! Really good news!
- We did it.
- What did we do?!
We broke through.
Our hashtag "mommyfriendship"
delivered thousands
of unique impressions
in the coveted 47-55 demo
that I was so sorely lacking in.
- My sponsors are so stoked.
- That's amazing!
- I know.
- And they are going to love
that playroom centerpiece
I told you about.
- I found someone who can fabricate...
- Cool, cool, cool.
So, can we put a pin
in this for one second
because I actually need
your design expertise
on a much more pressing project.
Rabbit's seven-month birthday.
You want me to plan your
pet's birthday party?
Oh, you're thinking of
Pamela. Rabbit's my daughter.
I don't know why you
get confused by that.
Yeah. I j... But...
- you know, I'm not really a party planner.
- Supes interesante.
I love that backstory.
So, uh, this, I promise,
will be the only non-playroom
favor that I ask of you. I swear.
Okay. Well, if I do it, will
you at least mention my company?
No can do, baby.
Technically, I can only
mention two companies
and those are MeUndies
and Westside Rentals.
So, I have purchased...
900 balloons.
And I need every last breath
in that adorable little
body to inflate them.
You're a legend!
I'm telling you, man,
the teacher is in on it!
The kids, they're too scared to
even make eye contact with Milo.
I've heard that's what it's
like working for Dr. Phil.
I take the reins for one
minute and this is what happens?
My 8-year-old is shaking kids down?
You know what you have to
do, bro. Toss his room, man.
Full-blown search and seizure.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, going through his
stuff, that's a violation.
It just means you want to keep him safe.
Same reason why I go through
Camille's purse at night
- while she's sleeping.
- You do?
Yeah, I look at her receipts,
I pay her parking tickets.
I learned all kinds of things about her,
things I would never know otherwise.
She's a bad tipper, bro.
Dude, okay, okay. No, he's... he's...
he is on a field trip right now,
so if we go in there, no
one's gonna even know that...
Goin' in.
- Aha!
- What are you thinking?
Static Touch Plasma Sphere
with Mini Tesla Energy Coil.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me try.
"To William, love Gramma Bea."?
Josh Jr., you sneaky
bastard, you know something.
You want me to slice that turtle?
What the hell, dude?
Where did you get that?
Camille's purse. I told
you. It's treasure trove.
Cut him.
Oh!
What is this golden-haired
Svengali up to?
I don't know, but I want in.
♪ I put a spell on you ♪
♪ Because you're mine ♪
Hey, it's Camille. You
should know I'm text-only.
- Never do this again.
- ♪ You better stop the things you do ♪
_
♪ Because ♪
♪ You're mine ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
Uh, does your character have blond hair?
No. No, he does not.
Milo. We need to talk. Now.
We don't talk during "Guess
Who?" unless we're guessing who.
Up.
Fine.
Okay, the jig is up.
I found your stash and your cash.
I cut William a deal, and
he's gonna sing like a bird.
This is your last chance
to come clean with me.
Oh, fine.
I run a very profitable
organization called "Club Milo."
I charge monthly dues, but in exchange,
you get a place at my
lunch table and in my heart.
People want that? What,
they pay for your company?
Premium members get a
T-shirt with my face on it,
- and I'll call you on your birthday...
- Milo.
Friendship isn't commerce, pal.
You can't sell it.
You should try following the
example of your older siblings
who show you kindness
because they love you
- and you're their brother.
- You kidding?
That's why I came up with Club Milo.
- I pay them to spend time with me.
- What?
Mae! Mason! I want you in
Milo's fluff and fold now!
- You shrieked?
- What's up?
Are you two selling
yourselves to your brother?
- Pretty much.
- Yeah, kinda.
What... what is wrong with
you? Have you no decency?
He pays, and he pays well.
I-I don't know whether
to be proud or horrified.
Okay. Okay. You two.
You guys, return all that
money you accepted from Milo.
And you.
You are gonna shut down your club
and refund all of the membership fees.
And furthermore,
the three of you are gonna be
punished if you do not continue to have
a loving relationship with each other.
For free.
Oh, my God. You're finally
here. So, I need a favor, baby.
The clown I hired canceled.
So you need me to find
someone else last minute?
No, I already found someone last minute.
Oh, and I will remember
to shout-out your business.
What is the name of it
again? Golden Cervix?
Here's the thing, Tamryn, and, um...
I've really thought a lot about this,
and even with the shout-out, I
only want to be your designer.
I don't want to do any
of this other stuff.
I feel like you're really
selling yourself short.
You're so much more than a designer.
What does that word even mean?
You're like a mother figure to Rabbit
and totally on-brand friend.
I have my own friends,
and I have my own kids.
I just need a job.
This is the job.
Then I'm not interested.
Well, then, I'm not interested.
You see that, though? How
much we have in common?
Room Baba?
- Hm-hmm.
- This place looks great.
And you cooked dinner?
- It's not even your week.
- Stop it.
I told you it's my turn
to pick up the slack.
Well, speaking of slack,
I missed the 100 Days of School party.
Oh, God. Who cares? How many
times have I missed that thing?
- 79.
- Oh, good.
- So you were counting.
- Mmm!
- This is really good.
- Yeah? Here, here, here.
- Try it with some bread.
- Oh.
- So I have a little update on the Milo front.
- Mm.
His odd behavior
wasn't about the divorce
or the downsizing of his
room, so we're not bad parents.
No, he was just acting weird because
he's running an extortion scheme!
Oh.
Mm. Well, we are bad parents,
just not the way that we thought.
- You know what? I'll take it.
- Hmm?
Oh, and I seized hundreds of dollars
that's he's been
laundering inside Josh Jr.
Wait.
- Did Milo make more money than me this week?
- Mm-hmm.
- But I thought we could put it towards college.
- Hmm.
- Or bail. Mm?
- Mm.
- Bail.
- Probably...
You wanna make skinny
margs and drinkstagram?
Not for a million [BLEEP] dollars.
Well, what if I just said... sorry?
I'm sorry, too.
I should have been more
supportive and less threatened.
No, Camille, you were
right. She was using me.
And after we parted ways,
all of her followers unfollowed me.
Now I'm back down to
the 5,000 you bought me.
BFFs again?
I mean,
I've never banged a
Property Brother, but...
sure.