Spaced (1999–2001): Season 2, Episode 2 - Change - full transcript

(♪ Bagpuss theme)

Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)

(Snoring)

(Screaming)

- I'm sorry.
- I'm hit!

- I'm blind.
- Buffy!

(Screaming upstairs)

(Rattling and screaming)

- Amber.
- Amber.

- Amber.
- Amber.

Woof.



(Car races off)

(Marsha) I knew this day would come.

Still. She had to go sometime.

(Swishing)

I met this girl
when I was travelling,

whose dad had to go to war,
but he was crippled.

Because she wasn't
what her parents wanted,

not that Amber
wasn't what you wanted,

but you know she was
different, like a tomboy...

So she stole her dad's armour

and went to war instead of him

and they won the war because of her.

- That's Mulan.
- That's her name. Do you know her?

- It's a film.
- It's a Disney film. Yes.



And there's a song in it...

which is about how she wants
to look in the mirror...

♪ And see her real reflection ♪

I think that's probably
a bit how Amber's feeling.

Like Mulan?

Yeah.

Eddie Murphy does the voice
of the dragon.

To my mind, his third best film.

Does anyone want a drink?

Phew. Bit early for that, innit?
Yeah, go on, then.

I'm thinking more like a tea.

Are you worried about Amber?

Nah. She's got three languages and a
Dutch cap. She'll be fine. Cheers.

You are so blind!
You so do not understand!

You weren't there at the beginning.

You don't know how good it was.
How important.

This is it for you.

This jumped-up firework
display of a toy advert.

People like you make me sick.
What's wrong with you?

Now, I don't care if you've
saved up all your 50p's.

Take your pocket money and get out!

(Sobbing)

What a prick.

Tim, can I have a word in my office?

Yes.

Have a seat, Tim.

- Twiglet?
- Better not.

I was like you once.

Blond hair. Scraggy little beard.
Child-like ears.

Full of beans and spunk.

I let my principles
get in the way sometimes.

I punched a bloke
in the face once

for saying Hawk the Slayer
was rubbish.

- Good for you.
- Thanks.

But that's not the point.

The point is, I was defending
the fantasy genre

with terminal intensity,

when what I should have said is,
"Dad, you're right."

Let's give Krull a try
and we'll discuss it later.

The Phantom Menace
was 18 months ago, Tim.

I know, Bilbo.
It just... It still hurts.

That kid brought in a Jaja doll.

- Kids like Jaja.
- Why?

What about the Ewoks?

They were rubbish.
You don't complain about them.

Jaja Binks makes the Ewoks
look like fucking Shaft.

- I've had enough, Tim.
- Bilbo.

I know how you feel, I do.
But this can't go on.

What you trying to say?

(Sigh) I'm gonna have to let you go.

Phew!

I thought you were gonna
fire me then.

I was like ergh... Phew.
Look at that.

(Sobbing)

Right, Daisy. 0ff to work.

Should be back
in a couple of hours.

Mike. Mike, have you got any money?

If you mean actual currency, no.

I was sure I had some,
but it just seems to have gone.

0h, I should, you know, get off.

You didn't sort of borrow it?

You know, go through
my pockets and...

- Steal it?
- I'm sorry. That sounded really bad.

- Did you steal it?
- No!

Sorry. No, you're right.
Have a nice day.

Thanks.

Mike, what do you do?
I've never asked.

If I tell you that,
I'll have to kill you.

What, is it like secret?

No.

Hi, Bri.

- Gone.
- What's gone?

- Can't paint.
- Yes, you can. You're very good.

Mind's just blank. Haven't
painted anything in months.

I don't know what's wrong.

Maybe you should try approaching
the canvas in different ways.

I have.

(Wails)

(Screeches)

How do you tackle
a creative block, Daisy?

Well, I'm actually
very, very fortunate.

I rarely suffer from writer's block.

- I'm extremely prolific.
- Very lucky.

Yeah, I know.

Have you got any money, Brian?

I've got to sign on today
and I can't afford the bus fare.

Can't you go to the bank?

Please, just a tenner?

I haven't got a bank account.

They closed it. I'm really worried.

I haven't signed on for three months

and I didn't tell them
I was going away.

I'm sure you'll be all right.
They're reasonable people.

Please! Just a tenner.

Tim?

(Shouts)

- Is everything all right?
- Yes! Why?!

No reason.

I've lost my job.

What? Why?

Not Phantom Menace.

- Better go.
- All right, Bri.

Good luck with your blockage.
0h, a letter came for you.

Thanks. Sorry
about your job, Tim.

Yeah. I'm sorry
about your uncle, Brian.

Come on, mate. It's not as if
he hasn't fired you before.

He's a reasonable bloke.

If you talked to him
you could sort it out.

I don't think so. Someone's
got an interview this afternoon.

Well, one thing's for sure,
they'll be no Tim Bisley.

Well, it all seems to be
in order. When can you start?

Come on, Tim.
There'll be other jobs.

Anyway, what about your comic?

I'm sure the comic industry's

desperately in need
of a giant, mutant bird

with special claws.

You've just got
to get out there.

- Yeah, well, I'm scared.
- 0f what?

(Jeering)

Nothing.

Come on. I was about
to go and sign on.

Why don't you come with me?

- OK.
- Lend me the bus fare?

- OK.
- Yeah.

You've got a very special talent.

Sooner or later it's going
to make you a lot of money.

Yeah, thanks, Daisy.

I wish I had another special
talent to fall back on.

(Woman) 'Dear Brian, I hope
this letter finds you well

'and that you're not finding
being a lawyer too stressful.

'Sadly, I'm writing with bad news.

'Your Uncle Kevin died
in his sleep last weekend

'whilst driving to Staines
on the M4.

'We hope you can find time
in your busy schedule

'to come to the funeral,
which is next Thursday.

'Lots of love, Mum.'

(Snarls)

I'm frightened.
What are you gonna say?

I'll tell 'em I was ill
and start crying.

- That's you. New claims.
- Where? 0h, yeah. 0K.

- Good luck.
- You, too.

Hello. I'm Daisy Steiner.

I had an appointment
at 10:30. I'm late.

Daisy Steiner, you must take
an AB form from the stand

and then join the queue.

How long will I have to wait?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Just fill out the form.

How long have you been
unemployed, Mr Bisley?

About an hour and a half.

Have you been looking for work?

(Chuckles)

That's good. No.

Why did you leave your last job?

- I got fired.
- Why?

Difference of opinion.

- The Phantom Menace.
- Yeah.

- Didn't you like it?
- No.

Well, leave this with me.

I'll get you some money out
in the next few days.

(Phone)

Hello.

- Brian, it's me.
- Hello, me.

- How are you?
- Very well, thank you.

- I miss you.
- Miss me, too.

Would you like to come out
for drinks later?

- Yes, please.
- 'I could stay at yours.'

I'm not working tomorrow.
We could stay in bed all day.

(Laughs)

(Giggles) So don't forget
to wash your sheets.

- Right.
- And your penis.

- OK.
- 'Bye.'

Bye.

Ah, no. This is the Ab form.
You need the AB form, capital B.

But... What?

I've been here for over an hour.

Just over there on the stand.

Is this it?

0K. You wanna sign on again.

Yeah.

You last signed on three months ago.

What have you been doing since then?

(Sobs) I've been ill.

Do you have a doctor's note?

No, I lost it.

Look, this shouldn't be a problem.

I just want some money.

You've always
given me money before.

Sure you haven't been on holiday?

Me? God, no. I couldn't
afford that. Not on my income.

(Speaking Vietnamese)

- You... bastard!
- What can I say? She liked me.

How am I gonna pay the rent?

Just write some articles.

It's not as easy as that, Tim.
I can't just pluck

another Winter Skin Care
Dos And Don'ts out of the air.

Why?

Well, maybe poverty
will inspire you.

(Sniffing)

It's not that bad.

Mike's giving us
a few quid every week.

What if he wants to move out?

He doesn't at the moment.
He's happy.

It's not as if he's gonna
get a better offer

by the time we get back, is it?

Eh?

(Whistling)

Mike, d'you mind...

(Both) What are you doing?

Marsha has kindly offered me
the position of lodger,

which I have duly accepted.

- But Mike...
- No, no.

You've been kind enough
to let me stay,

but now you're back,
I should move on.

But we like having you here.

It'll be fine. I'm only upstairs.

We can see each other every day.

We'll be able to legitimately
use our walkie-talkies

without going to the park.

- Ready then?
- With you in one second.

Here he is, then. My new lodger.

Hardly see the other one.

Yeah, Brian's spending
a lot of time with Twist.

I mean, I hardly see her.

I sometimes hear her.

(Twist screaming orgasmically)

Yeah, he was up earlier on.

I think he's having some kind
of creative crisis.

Serves him right for getting
his knackers in a twist.

Come on then, Mike.

I'm looking forward to having a
strong bloke round the house.

Who's that?

- You, you pillock.
- 0h, right.

0ooooooh, he's funny, isn't he?

(Sighing)

Any thoughts?

I'll have to get some new
batteries for my walkie-talkie.

No, about our situation.

We're both unemployed.

I'm getting no benefit.
We need money.

How else am I gonna afford
aspirational magazines?

I'm gonna get a job.

Why? You've just signed on.
You don't have to.

I like working, Daisy.

The smell of the ink,
the taste of the biscuit.

Giving the littl'uns advice.

(Tim) 'People like you
make me sick! '

(Child sobbing)

Yeah, well. So do I.
I love working.

I was a barmaid once. I loved it.

The hustle and bustle of a busy bar.

- Can I get some service, please?
- 0h, fuck you.

What can I say?
We are good with people.

- Absolutely.
- That's what writers do.

They take unrelated jobs
in order to make money

and... gain experience.

I temped in this office once

and there were some great
characters, real fodder.

There was this guy Tony...

0h, what did he say?

Anyway, that's what I'm gonna do.

Everyone does things they don't
want to do sometimes.

Mike isn't doing what he wants

- but he makes the best of it.
- Does he?

- Move, move!
- (Children scream)

Don't look at me! Move!

I am gonna go to one
of those temping places

and put my name down for a job.

That's the spirit. New horizons.

- Pastures green. Change.
- And not the small kind.

- Why is that funny?
- I don't know.

(Man) You worked
in a comic shop before?

Yeah. The Fantasy Bazaar.

Fantasy Bazaar. That's
Bilbo Bagshot's shop, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Why'd you leave?

- Difference of opinion.
- Phantom Menace?

Yeah. And I wanted a change.

- 0K. When can you start?
- I'm sorry?

When can you start?

(Woman) So, what kind
of work can you do?

Sorry?

What kind of work can you do?

Well, I'm creative,

but I'm at home in the normal
office environment.

But equally comfortable in the
hustle and bustle of an eatery.

So that's anything?

Yes, yes. Anything. I'm desperate.

(Banging)

(Drilling)

- Everything all right?
- Yes, thank you, Mrs K.

Give us a shout
if you need anything.

OK.

Anything at all.

0K, then.

I like to think I'm
an approachable landlady.

0K, then.

(Roaring)

- That's great.
- So anything you want.

Just ask.

There a key to this lock?

Hello, Brian.

Hello.

Aren't you gonna invite me in?

- Bit busy.
- Doing what?

Nice to see you've tidied up a bit.

Thanks.

Daisy was telling me
you're feeling a little dry.

Everything 0K?

- Mmm.
- Yes?

Don't know, Marsha.
Can't seem to get inspired.

Used to come so easily.

Thought I'd cracked it this morning.

Got a letter saying
Uncle Kevin had died.

Next thing I knew, I was painting.
Couldn't stop.

Twist called and lost it. Just went.

You know what
your problem is, Brian.

What?

You're happy.

I think you'll find

you dried up the minute
you started seeing Twit.

- D'you think so?
- It's obvious.

You cannot have your cake
and eat her, Brian.

Contentment is the enemy
of invention.

0h, my God.

Funny, innit?

You were so prolific
when we was at it.

- This is awful.
- Innit.

- What a dilemma.
- Can't believe this.

It's so depressing, Brian.

You must be really worried.

- Yes.
- Angst-ridden.

- Yes.
- Inconsolable.

Yes.

Right, I'm off.

Mike's cooking beans,

then we're gonna polish his guns
and watch The A-Team, bye.

(Wails)

(Paint brush swishing)

I love it when a plan comes together.

(Phone)

Hello, Silent Reading.

Yes, we do stock Jaja Binks
merchandise.

Yeah, we've got him in
cuddly form,

lunch box, action figure
and key ring.

No problem, bye-bye.

Well done, Tim.

You've just taken your first
step into a larger world.

All right, Derek.

Bilbo.

I was wondering if I could
have a chat with Tim.

Certainly.

I'll put some tea on.

- Want a cup, Tim?
- Yes, please.

(Scoffs)

He should mount
his collector's editions

in full view, not hide 'em away.

Man's insane.

Why'd you want to talk to me?

So, how's it going?

Yeah, it's all right.

- What's Derek like as a boss?
- He's 0K.

I don't really agree with his
policy on vintage comic display.

Tim, I'm sorry I sacked you.
It was a mistake.

Things not working out
with the new guy?

You could say that.

Hawk the Slayer's rubbish.

- I see.
- Will you come back?

Well... I like it here.

What makes you think
I want to come back?

This.

(Tim sobbing)
'Bilbo, this is Tim.

'Please can I come back?
I don't like it here.'

- You got that?
- I would have come in anyway.

The place is just not
the same without you.

I'm already there.

What?

I mean, I'll come back.

0h, yeah. Yeah, you frightened
me for a bit there.

I'll have to give my notice here.

Can't you just get fired?

Derek, Babylon 5's
a big pile of shit.

Get out!

(Cheering)

(Whooping)

(Whistling)

(Cheering)

I got me job back.

(Cheering)

- I got me own room.
- (Cheering)

How's Brian doing?

He's standing in the garden
with no clothes on.

(Cheering)

- What about Daisy?
- She got a job in a bookshop.

- Think she'll be all right?
- Erm... Yeah.

(Cheering)

Excuse me, can you point me
in the direction of Personal Growth?

Fuck you.

(Man) 'S'il vous plaît.'

Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)