Spaced (1999–2001): Season 2, Episode 3 - Mettle - full transcript

Tim and Mike create a robot for Robot Wars and are on their way to the quarter finals. Their rival team, a couple of fellow soldiers of Mike's in the Territorial Army, sabotage Tim and Mike's robot. Brian gets invited to do an installation at a local art gallery, and ends up knocking himself out and becoming a figure in his art display. Mike and Tim exact their revenge on their rivals by rebuilding and improving their robot.

(Electrical crackle)

0i, get away from there.

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Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)

- Is it on?
- Yeah, it's on.

- D'you think it can hear us?
- No.

I love this guy.


- What you doing?
- Nothing.

- What's that?
- It's an axe.

It's a bit dangerous, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Don't worry, Daisy.

Mike knows exactly what he's doing.

I think we should
lose the axe.

- I like the axe.
- I like my face.

- I like your face.
- Let's keep the axe.

(Mike) It is my great pleasure

to introduce
the newly improved version

of the single most
effective battle bot

since Sir Killalot
first killed a lot.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Private Iron.

Bloody hell.

- It looks VERY dangerous.
- 0nly in the wrong hands.

- D'you think he'll win?
- Look at him.

He can't lose.

(Man on TV) '... semifinal
and six contenders.'


Daisy Ann Steiner. 25 years old.


It says here you've had three
employers in as many weeks.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know.
I just can't work it out.

I think you can.

I got sacked.

- I got sacked.
- That's right.

It seems you have a slight
problem with authority.

Several of your employers
have reported to us

a general lack of concentration.

That you're belligerent and
often talk when unauthorised.

- Bollocks.
- I'm trying to help you, Daisy.

We can only do that if you help us.

I know. I know. It's me.

It's always been a problem of mine.

It's like I've got these two
opposing forces inside me.

'There's my sensible side.

'She's polite, cooperative,
always does the right thing.'

And then there's my reckless side.

'She's a rebel. She hates authority.'

'She knows what she wants.

'She'll do anything to get it.'

Better shape up, Daisy.
You better understand.

Sometimes we have
to make compromises.

- You're right.
- I've got you a placement.

It's a restaurant.
Neo Nachos in Kentish Town.

- 0h, I've been there. It's nice.
- You'll be in the kitchen.

Right. Right.

- Try not to lose this one.
- I will.

I will. I will try.


Not right.

Shit. Shit.

Need something else.

(Phone continues)

It's shit.


- Shit. Hello.
- Brian.

Marty Berghaus. Reinhardt Gallery.

- Hello.
- 'Hi.'

I know this is short notice,

but Paolo Vincenzo's pulled out
of the installation.


Mm. His loss.
Shot himself in the foot really.

- Why did he pull out?
- He shot himself in the foot.

Terrible mess. Very moving, though.

- Could you fill in for him?
- Me?

- 'Yes. Tomorrow evening. 0K? '
- Er...

Great! See you tomorrow.

(Dialling tone)


(Bell rings)





Looking great at the moment,
isn't he?

- Have a good weekend?
- It was 0K.

- What'd you get up to?
- You know. The usual.


Well, well, well.

If it isn't the triumphant roboteers.

Hello, Dexter.

Have you thought any more
about that rematch?

- Yes and no.
- What does that mean?

Yes, he's thought about it,
no, he doesn't want one. Right?

- Yes.
- So that's a no.


(Mike) The regionals are over.

- We won fair and square.
- You were lucky!

- We were better!
- Whoa. Come on, now,

we don't want trouble.

Maybe we were lucky.
The fact is, we won.

All is fair in love and Robot Wars.

I just want another shot.
I know a place.

- Where?
- You know.

What if we get damaged?

The quarterfinals are next week.

0h, yeah. I hadn't thought of that.

Mike, come on. Let's go.

We'll be seeing you then, Michael.
Think about what I said.

Say no.


That's a real shame.

God, it's always me, me, me.

You've left home.
I'm not a bleedin' bank.

Anyway, give us a call, love.

0h, it's your mum, by the way.

(Knock at door)

- Hello, Brian.
- (Mumbles)

Not been up in my region for a while.

I've just come to get
my paint roller back.

The big one?

There you go.

Something exciting
happening downstairs?

Got an installation
at the Reinhardt Gallery.

That's great! We should celebrate!

I've got a bottle
left over from yesterday.

What was yesterday?

Er... Sunday.

- When you installing yourself?
- Tomorrow.

Bloody 'ell.
That's a bit short notice.

You better get on. Be terrible
with an 'alf-baked pile of crap.

You'd look really stupid.

(Cackles) Tell you what,
I'll come along.

- N-no.
- No, no.

I'll save the champers
for the big night.

I'm sure I can resist
its charms till then.

- (Pop and pouring)
- (Marsha) Woo.

Excuse me.

Do you know how I close my locker?

(Stutters) Y-You can't lock it.

T-Tina keeps the keys.

Daisy Steiner.

- B-B-B-Billy.
- Glad to know you, Bill.

Right, staff meeting.

Is everybody here?

Let's get started.

Any questions about the last meeting?


Perhaps you'd like to start.

- I have a question.
- Yes... Daisy?

Where can I get a key for my locker?

(Tina) I have the keys.

If you would like to use
your locker, come to me

- and I will do it for you.
- That's not really fair.

What if you're not here?

Some of us don't find it so
difficult to remain in work...



Any more questions? Billy...

You'll be downstairs today.


N-N-No. I can't.

Y-Y-Y-You can't make me.


Meeting adjourned.

(Billy screams) Nooooo!

0K, there we go.

- Let's pub!
- Right! I'll get my jacket.

- Hello, Daisy.
- All right.

- How was work?
- Awful.

- Get fired?
- Not yet.

- That's good.
- How's it going?

Fine. Just putting
finishing touches on.

I thought you were gonna
do more drawings on it.

- Why?
- Well, millions of people

would see your artwork.



Yeah. I just didn't feel like it.

What does TFU stand for?

The Fuckest Uppest.
Philippa would have loved that.

I didn't think she did it any more.

No, she had a baby.

Why don't you be Philippa
and I'll be me?

- You what?
- Interview me.

0K. (Silly voice) Er,
that's very interesting.

No, do it properly.


This is a very large machine,
Tim. Take you long?

No, not really.

Fast worker.

Why don't you come back to my
flat and we'll find out?

I think you've already
answered my question.

- So you like my robot, then?
- I love it.

What's this?

That's an axe. Feel the weight.

There's nothing more devastating
than a big chopper.


Don't cheapen this.

What is going on?

I was just... coming
to the pub with you.

Yeah. Think we should take
the private down to the shed.

- What's up with Mike?
- Nothing. He likes to be Philippa.

Good night, little one.
I'll see you in the morning.


(Dexter) Look at you there,
so pretty and proud.

Take that!

You think you're better than me!

You're no better than Big Trak.

You will never go to combat.

You will never be in Robot Wars!


0h, shit.

It's true.

- She sacked her for that?
- Yeah.

- What a bitch.
- Hee.


0oh, look at me. I'm Tina.
I've got the locker keys.

What is going on?

- Nothing.
- Really?

Well, I've decided
to change the duty roster.

You'll be downstairs today.
Follow me.

Take these.


m-m-make it easier.


This is Harris.

He'll show you the ropes.

Haven't seen you upstairs.


0h, shit!

That's exactly what I said.

- Brian!
- Marty.

Good to see you.
Thanks for doing this.

- Actually...
- Hope it meets your requirements.

I don't...

I'm popping out. You'll be all right?

Ah, well, that's...

It's 10 am now. Exhibition
starts at 6:30 pm.

Any problems, here's my mobile.

- I can't...
- There we go.

Good luck with the getting.

Can't wait to see
what you've come up with.



- Who would do such a thing?
- I think I can guess.

No random hit.
It's been taken apart by someone

- who knows what they're doing.
- What happens now?

If we don't repair him
the runners-up go through.

Who's that?

- (Gasps) Dexter and Cromwell.
- Exactly.

- Who did this?
- They did!

- They wouldn't.
- They would.

- We're screwed.
- We can't give up.

We're never gonna fix him now.

- Yes we will.
- How?

We'll find a way.
We'll use every contact.

We'll pull every favour,
work every hour.

We're gonna fix him and then
we're gonna kick some ass.

Timmy, fetch me my tools.

Mike, what about the show?

The show's over.

(Dialogue drowned out by music)

(Drip echoes)

(Phone rings on tape)


Not right.



I just need something else.

- All done?
- Yeah.

Would you mind staying on tonight?

- But I...
- Josey has called in sick.

You wouldn't want
to leave me in the lurch.

So mop the floor
and take out the bin.

- I can't do this.
- Excuse me?

- I'm sick of it.
- Who do you think you are?

(Sighs) I'm a writer, right?
I'm creative.

I'm not a... mopper.

They're all writers, Daisy.

- What?
- All the staff here are writers.

- Not Harris.
- Haikus, I believe.

Charlie's an actor,
but he's writing some play.

- Even Billy?
- Even Billy.

(Billy) l-I was published in '97.

It w-w-was just a short story.

I... I... I came here in '98.

They're all creative, Daisy.
Not just you.

Now, get creative with this.

Their robot!

(All laughing)

- Hello, boys.
- Michael, hi.

Look, sorry to hear about
your robot. Crying shame, that.

What do you mean, crying shame?
You did it, you fucking plum.

Well, whoever did it is academic now.

You don't have a robot

and we do, ergo we get to go
on Robot Wars and you don't.

Is that so?

You want a re-match?

(Electrical whirr)

You got one.


You know where.

(Man) Gentlemen,
welcome to Robot Club.

The first rule of Robot Club is...

you do not talk about Robot Club.

The second rule of Robot Club is
you do not talk about Rob...

Wait, I got that wrong.

The second rule is no smoking.

- Why can't we smoke?
- Shh. We can't talk about it.

All right.

First battle...

Blue Thunder versus Metallicock.



(General chatter)


Hello. I've seen you here
before, haven't I?

Always nice to meet an art lover.

Actually I'm just here
for the free booze.

Free booze, great.

I'm Marty Berghaus.
I own the gallery.

- 0h, cheers.
- Cheers.

I'm Marsha Klein.

So, Marsha, are you enjoying
the installation?

0h, yeah.

- Very moving.
- Hmm.

Yes, certainly has something,
doesn't it?

Loneliness, isolation.


That's our Brian.

(Recording of phone ringing)



Now for the battle royale -

Private Iron versus War Bastard.



Come on!

Come on!

Come on!



- What happened?
- They've blown the motor.

(Both) That's not fair!

- (Taunting) That's not fair!
- That's not fair!

Welcome to the real world,
Michael. It's not a fair place.

Prepare to be annihilated.

(Wheels screech)

It's time we brought out
the big guns.

I think you're right.

- Nice touch.
- Thank you.

(Whining) That's not fair.

(Taunting) That's not fair!
That's not fair!


(All cheering)


- (Groaning)
- (Phone ringing)

Brian, what can I say?

Well done. I'm amazed you
lay there for the duration.

At least Tilda Swinton
was comfortable.


Great work. Listen, pop by next week.
We can talk about a residency.


Great. I'd better call it a day.

- Where are you off to now?
- Hospital.

Ah, one of Damien's
trendy new bars, no doubt.


0h well, catch you next week.

There you go, Bri.
You was a knockout.

(Laughs hysterically)

What you laughing for?

I don't know.


Come on, Daisy.

Put your back into it.

Come on, you can do
better than that.

Stop gawping, you retards.

That's it! That is it.

- I'm not doing this.
- You've got no choice.

You're not the boss of me!

- Yes I am.
- You are technically,

but you're not better than me.

I don't know what kick you get
out of being such a bitch...


...but I'm not
helping you get it.

These are good people. They're
artists. They deserve respect.

Come on, there's thousands of
ways to make money,

it doesn't have to be like this.

We can walk out with our heads high,
show this bitch...


...that we don't need her.

She needs us and
it's about time she realised it.

Now, who's with me?

Who's with me?


- Thank you.
- Interesting night?

No more than usual.

Cheers, boys.

(All toasting)

(Indistinct chattering)

- Juicy Fruit?
- No, thanks.

Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)