Spaced (1999–2001): Season 2, Episode 1 - Back - full transcript

(Daisy) 'Chapter one.
She adored London,

'a city as passionate
and beautiful as she was.

'No, too derivative. Chapter one... '

(Tim) 'As far back as I can remember,

'I've wanted to be a graphic artist.

'And one day soon, I will be.'

(Jeering)

'I'm Tim. I'm 27 and I'm single.

'I haven't always been.

'My five-year relationship
ended really badly.

'I'm over it now, though.'



(Daisy) 'The city. London. Londinium.

'That's just shit.'

(Tim) 'This is Daisy,
my flatmate and my friend.

'She wants to be a writer.

'But basically I think
she's as confused as me.

'She's away, travelling around Asia.

'She wanted to go and find herself.

'I hope she does.'

'She got some money
after she sold a few articles.

'About £400, actually.
Her auntie gave her the rest.

'This is Brian.
He lives downstairs.

'He's an artist.

'Sort of.'

(Daisy) 'London was her place -
definite and focused, like her mind.



'The home of her triumphs
and tragedies.'

(Tim) 'This is Mike.'

(Wails)

'He's my best friend.

'Mike's just got back
into the Territorial Army.

'He got chucked when he nicked a
tank and tried to invade Paris.

- 'He's much better now though.'
- Yes!

(Daisy) 'It was a city
that loved her,

'cared for her, never judged her.'

(Tim) 'This is Twist,
Daisy's best friend.

'Although I'm not entirely sure why.
I haven't figured her out just yet.

'She's either sweet and stupid
or an evil genius.

'Either way, she's sleeping with
Brian and she works in fashion.

'Apparently.'

(Woman) I've got an idea,
why don't!

(Tim) 'This is Marsha.
That was her daughter, Amber.

'Marsha's our landlady.
As far as she knows,

'Daisy and me are
a professional couple.

'Anyway, she's lovely.'

Fuck off!

'This is our baby... Dog, sorry.
His name's Colin.

'This is our home. We've lived
here for about a year.'

(Daisy) 'As much
as she travelled the world,

'it was the city of London
she longed for.

'The home of her passions,
her adventures, her friends.

'This was their flat
and it always would be.'

(Dialogue drowned out by traffic)

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Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)

Hello! Hello! Tim!

I'm home!

Hello! Hello!

(Groans)

(Sighs)

(Toilet flushes)

(Crash)

(Shouting)

Welcome... God, it's...

(Both sigh)

Hello!

(Cheering)

- (Cheers)
- Enough.

So how are you? How was Asia?

It was great.
I had a wonderful time.

It was like, you know,
being in another country.

It was a different world,
another universe.

I feel very Zen. Very different.

I don't know where to start.

Near the end?

Where's Colin?

Ah, erm...

0h, you bastard.

He's upstairs with Marsha.

Is he all right?

He's fine. I'm sure he's fine.

Check out the tan.

Yeah, you look like Pocahontas.

Thank you very much, Casper.

- You know, the ghost.
- 0h, right.

So how are you, then,
you big bloody man?

I'm good. I'm good. I've had
a few things to work through.

- With Sarah?
- No, with George Lucas.

(♪ Star Wars theme)

(Daisy) Tim, it's been over a year.

It's been 18 months, Daisy.

And it still hurts.

I didn't think Phantom Menace
was that bad.

It's nice to see you, Mike.
What've you been up to?

I'm in the quarterfinals
of Robot Wars.

Wow!

But I've had to
move out of Mum's place.

- Really?
- Things have been a bit... difficult.

She's been very overbearing
and I felt suffocated.

I've got a lot to offer the world,

and my mum's not ready
to accept that yet.

- Right.
- And I shot the cat up the asshole.

Right.

Well, we'll have to have
a party at your flat.

Yeah... Actually, Daisy,
he's staying here. I spoke to Marsha.

She said, "The more the merrier."

As far as she knows, he's
staying in the spare room.

0h, right. 0h... my room.

- Yeah.
- I see.

Sorry to spring this on you,
he had nowhere to go.

- There was a bed going, so...
- It's fine. Fine.

Hope you haven't made
too much of a mess.

(Helicopter engine)

He'll be on the sofa by tonight.

Fine! It's fine. It's fine.

I've been sleeping rough
for two months.

Another night's not gonna kill me.

Let's see your photos.

No need for photos.
Welcome to the 21st century.

I got this cheap in Singapore.
Here we go.

I've got three two-hour tapes.
I just couldn't stop filming.

I'm thinking about going
into documentary filmmaking.

Travelogues. A Michael Palin
for the millennium.

I could use this as a pilot.
See what you think.

See what you think.

'Hello and welcome to Bangkok.'

Yell if you get bored.

(Snoring)

'I've been here for about four
days. It's really early... '

- (Brian) Who is it?
- It's Daisy.

(Wheezes) Hello, you.

- Hi.
- Go there.

- D'you want some tea?
- Yes, please.

I got you some lapsang souchong
because I knew you were coming back.

Thanks.

Did you have a great time?

Yes. Yes, I did. It was amazing.

Incredible, you know.
So many different places and...

- (Brian moans)
- Is everything all right?

- Yes! Why?
- You seem different.

I feel different, Daisy.

- Are you on Prozac?
- No.

I'm just... I don't know...
I'm enjoying life

- and it's thanks... to you.
- Really?

It's because of you I met Twist.

I can't believe
I was single for so long.

Loooooove is
a beautiful thing, Daisy.

You should try it!

You two having fun, are you?

(Sighs)

(Camera flashing)

Well, Brian.
I'm very happy for you.

0ooooh!

Aaaaah!

Eeeee!

- Ow!
- Is this a new one?

- No, same one.
- 0ur one?

Yeah.

- (Knocking on door) Hello!
- Marsha.

(Boys) Shit!

- Hello, kitten. Welcome home!
- Hello!

Hello, baby. How are you?
How's he been? Has he missed me?

He's fine. I had a bloke come
and put a dog flap out the back.

He loves it. He's never in.

That's cos Mummy's been away.
But she's back now, isn't she?

In your basket.

(Boys) 0ooh.

Well, come in. Come and sit down.

Hello, you two.

(Mumbling)

Nice to have you back, Daisy.

I've got you something.

0h! Duty free! How did you know?

- How was it, kitten? Was it magic?
- 0h, yes. It was.

I just feel energised, you know.

I feel creative.
I feel absolutely good.

Did you behave yourself?

What d'you mean?

Well, you know.

Young woman away on her own
without her beau.

Never know what might happen.

Half a bottle of ouzo destructo
and ooh, the regret.

I didn't actually go to Greece,
I went to Asia.

I know. No, I was just saying.

I trust you didn't play away.

0ooooh.

Well, there was...
There was one guy.

Go on.

'He was called Steven.

'I met him at the airport
on the way home.

'Nothing happened, just...

'He was really sweet.'

Ah, did he remind you of Tim?

Er, no. Not really.

'We just sort of found each other.

'Kindred spirits.

'You know...

'We talked for ages about
everything. It was great.

'He was so easy-going.

'I met a lot of really annoying
idiots on holiday.

'Going on and on,
but Steven just seemed...

'different.

'I don't know. He made
me feel relaxed. At ease.

'Like I could be myself.

'What can I say? He was like...
a real gentleman.'

- So what happened?
- I don't know.

'We were at arrivals,
just chatting.

'We were even gonna share a cab
and he just vanished.

'I must have lost him
in the crowd.'

0h, well. You know what they say,

why go out for hamburger when
you can have steak at home?

Get off me, you bummer.

0h, there she is,
duchess of the D grade.

Doing her A Levels, bless her.

Where the fuck have you been?

I don't mind you staying out late,
but at least you could phone.

(Door slams upstairs)

Right, I'm off.

Hang on, I've got something else.

- It's video footage of me.
- 0h, good.

Just see what you think.

It's nice to have you back safe,
Daisy. You look really well.

A lot of people L0SE weight
when they're travelling.

(Door closes)

- You all right?
- Yeah.

I just feel a bit weird. That's all.

(Sighs) This time yesterday,
I was in Delhi.

- (Boys) 0ooh!
- The most magical city in India.

Probably the world...
and now I'm just back in London.

- (Boys) Eeeeee.
- Where nothing ever happens.

It's not here.

We have the wrong bag?

Look.

Daisy Steiner, 23 Meteor Street,

Tufnell Park.

What do you want to do?

Get the car.

(Boys grunting)

- Look.
- Look.

- (Groaning)
- Kick-slam.

(Shouts)

(Groaning)

Come on, Daisy. Why don't you
come and have a fight?

(Screams)

No.

Suit yourself.

Can't we go down the pub?

The pub?

I REALLY want to go.

I fancy a pint of Guinness and
some salt and vinegar crisps.

I'm jet-lagged and I don't
want to fall asleep.

Daisy! Coming?

Yeah, just give me a second.

I'm wearing nothing at all.

What are you wearing?

(Groans)

0oh, Prada.

What's Prada?

- Is he coming?
- I left him a note.

Right, you can buy
the first round.

- I've only got rupees.
- God, all right.

- Mike can get the first round.
- What?

I just want to have
a nice, relaxing day.

(Doorbell buzzes)

(Buzzes again)

(Buzzes)

- Yes?
- Daisy Steiner?

Yes.

- Are you Daisy Steiner?
- No.

Do you know where she is?

- No.
- Do you know where she is?

Why?

Miss Steiner is under suspicion
of bringing a bag

containing sensitive materials
into the country.

Sensitive...

Can you tell us
where she is, Mr Topp?

How do you know my name?

It's written on the doorbell.

0h, right.

Where is she, Brian?

Brian isn't on the doorbell.

- Where is she?
- Er...

What pub?

(Sighs)

Right, I'm off to point
the pink pistol

at the porcelain firing range.

0i oi.

Come on, Daisy. It can't be
that bad being back.

I'm fine. I was really
looking forward to coming back.

Seeing everybody.

Yeah, I've been looking forward
to seeing you, too. I have.

It's been really weird
since you've been away.

The flat's been very different.

- There's been... something missing.
- Really, what?

Um... The smell.

- Daisy Steiner?
- (Both) Yeah.

Would you come with us, please?

Where are you going?

Would you come with us, please?

No. I'm all right here.

Miss Steiner,
I don't want to tell you again.

I think you should go with them.

No. I don't know who they are.

Miss Steiner,
you are under suspicion

of illegally bringing
sensitive materials

- into the country.
- What, a kite?

We have your partner in custody,
Miss Steiner.

- Your partner?
- A Mr Steven Edwards.

Who is Steven Edwards, Daisy?

Daisy!

(Daisy)
'He was like a real gentleman.

(Echoes) 'Gentleman. Gentleman.'

- Little shit.
- Who is Steven Edwards?

- We met at the airport.
- Did you?

- Miss Steiner.
- Do you mind? I'm... 0w!

(Whistles)

Say hello to my little friend.

Huh?

Shit!

(Groans)

That just happened, didn't it?

Er, yeah.

(Daisy) 'Here we are
going down the corridor.

'Hello.'

Stop walking in front of the
telly. Your tights are strobing.

You will go out looking like a...

(Rustling on TV)

Bloody hell!

Note to self.
Shoot first, quip later.

Where did you learn to take care
of yourself like that?

Let's say my time in Asia wasn't
just spent sightseeing.

I've changed, Tim.

Your front door's open.

- Brian.
- Welcome home, Miss Steiner.

They arrived just before you did.

You Lando.

Take a seat, Miss Steiner.

And let us not have a repeat
of our last encounter.

You're beginning to try my patience.

We have the bag, Miss Steiner.

- I didn't know I had it.
- There's no point resisting.

You have illegally carried goods
into this country,

contravening
every customs law there is

and we have all the evidence
we need to bring you in.

No, you don't.

- Marsha!
- Hello, everybody.

(Mumble)

Hello, Brian.

(Mumbles)

What is this?

I think this
will clear everything up.

- We don't have time for this.
- 0i!

- Timmy!
- Wait!

Thanks for your help, Mrs Klein.

- It's Miss, actually.
- Miss Klein.

(Clicks)

We'll keep this for study,
Miss Steiner.

Don't even think
about leaving the country.

Don't worry. I won't.

I can't afford it.

(Growls)

(Sighing)

(Sighs) That's better.
You'd never know he'd been here.

Aw, he's like a giant baby.

With a moustache.

Thanks for letting him stay.
He won't be here too long.

That's 0K. I like having him here.

I'm sorry about your kite.

- My kite?
- Yeah. I got it for you.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

Sure you didn't get it
for Steven Edwards?

It was a weird day, wasn't it?

- Sort of...
- Slightly unbelievable.

- It's nice to be back, though.
- It's nice to have you back.

Get off me, you Joey.

'Hello and welcome to Bangkok.

'I am in the Phad Phang
Pang Pong Phankam...

'It's something like that...
Memorial Peace Gardens.

'I've been here
for about four days.

'It's early in the morning.

'It's about five
so it's quite chilly.'

(Snoring)

(Daisy continues)

I hate this job.

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Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)