Space Force (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
[rumbling]
[rocket engine whooshing]
[gently suspenseful music playing]
[Erin] Bonne nuit!
[door opens, shuts]
- Hey!
- Hey.
How was dinner?
It was really fun. Jerome cooked,
and then Adrian was showing us...
Dr. Mallory?
Um, he told me to call him Adrian.
He was showing us his Africa scrapbooks.
You know he's lived in 11 countries?
- No, I didn't.
- He's so cool.
We... We watched The Last Dance.
We drank yerba mate tea.
- It's like a... like a green tea but cool.
- [sighs]
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Anyway, you know what's really weird?
- [Mark] Mmm?
- Dennis Rodman and Madonna dated.
- You know about that?
- Yeah. I did know about that.
- So weird.
- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Come here.
You said you were going to be home early
so you could prep
for your interview tomorrow.
Yes. The interview.
Yes. At Colorado College.
Honey, this is a big deal.
I want you to take this seriously.
I do take this seriously.
I want you to head right upstairs,
go to bed.
I want you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed
so you really crush it in the morning.
- Okay.
- Because you are going to crush it.
- I'll try.
- No, no. Don't try, do.
Honey? Honey, come here.
I wanna hear you say it.
"I'm going to crush it."
- I'm going to crush this.
- I can't hear you.
[aggressively] I'm gonna crush it!
All right. I'd like you to say that
a hundred times before you go to bed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [flatly] I'm gonna crush it.
- That's one.
- [Spanish accent] I'm going to crush it.
- Two.
- [drawling] I'm goin' to crush it.
- Three.
Hey, Dad, guess what I'm going
to do tomorrow? I'm gonna crush it!
- I'm a good dad.
- [singsongy] Gonna crush this.
I know what the hell I'm doing.
No, you're screwing this up. Okay?
I can't guide Erin through
the college application process, okay?
Because I'm, well, here.
Yeah, well, I'm prepping her,
and she's gonna crush it.
- Is she, Mark? Is she gonna crush it?
- Yeah, she is.
Well, she better. Okay?
Because I kept her on track for 16 years.
She was top of her class.
- Okay? Then you moved us to Wild Horse.
- Oh.
- Here we go.
- And the wheels fell off the bus.
- Uh-huh.
- You asked for sole custody.
And you got it, so, you know,
- this is all on you.
- Oh-ho-ho!
We're talking about custody?
Oh, sure, I got sole custody.
You know why? Because you're in custody.
Ah-ha!
Once again, you turn
a pleasant conversation hostile.
Classic Mark.
No, don't... don't...
Oh! I thought I heard Maggie.
How the heck are you, Mags?
Hey, Brad! Great. Great.
I'm getting an accounting degree.
And I got a pet rat.
- Excellent...
- Brad, do you mind?
Oh, okay. Uh, well, love to Louise.
And, General, they're here.
Mags, I gotta go.
Got a meeting
with an energy drink company.
- Can we finish this later?
- Sure, yeah, no, that sounds important.
Wha... Okay.
- [tense instrumentals playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
What? What are you...
[chuckles] What are you doing?
Are you hiding?
Just tying my shoe. [chuckles]
Oh, okay. That's very weird. [laughs]
[Chan] Why is this weird?
Shoes get tied every day,
all over the world.
You're just behind a security desk.
- You think I'm, like, hiding from you?
- I don't know what you're doing.
- Don't give yourself that much credit.
- I'm not.
You're the one being weird.
What are you doing?
Gonna tie the other shoe
if you wanna watch.
I don't give a damn what you do.
Fuckin' tie your shoe, tie both,
don't wear any shoes!
You care about his fucking shoes?
I can't believe you're acting like this.
Buddy, you can stay here
as long as you need to.
Thanks.
These people are gonna be absolutely...
General Naird!
This is Audrey Haller, the Senior Director
of Marketing over at Mad Buff.
Nice to meet you. And thanks
for sponsoring this year's event.
Oh my God, the timing couldn't be better.
Your parent company
wants to expand their demo.
Meanwhile, we're looking for a cool brand
to get some extra funding.
This is like a romantic comedy,
but there is no annoying best friend.
Well, a Battle Bot competition
is very much on-brand for us.
[Tony laughs] Us too.
Us too.
"Battle" and "bots" are probably,
like, the most popular words said here.
That, and like "science."
Lot of people say "science,"
then "battle" and "bots."
- We're basically the same company.
- That is not true.
I mean, uh, listen to this though.
Their catchphrase is
"Mad Buff gives you mad confidence."
Well, "confidence" is a word
we're familiar with in the military.
But confidence without arrogance.
I am a fan of football players
who don't do an end-zone dance,
who quietly celebrate a job well done.
- Yeah. I love that too. I love that.
- Yes.
But I also love the celebrations.
You kidding me? I love 'em. [laughs]
I'd watch a whole game
where they're going like this all day.
What's going on?
I don't even care what the score is.
This is going amazing.
Does anybody feel like they're flying?
I feel like I'm levitating off the ground
and looking at this.
And we get General Naird for the promo.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not going to happen.
Just, like, a tiny promo.
- Nope. Nope.
- It's just... Well, it's just...
Eeh... Ehh...
We are contributing $300,000.
[Tony] 300K, General.
Yeah, okay. I suppose we could discuss it.
Just as long as
I don't have to say or do anything
that would compromise the integrity
of Space Force or the US military.
- Baby Bear's got you covered, Papa Bear.
- Don't do that.
- Last time.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
- Great. So good to see you.
What is up with you?
You're agitated more than usual.
I drank a little Mad Buff. I'm jittery.
I also feel like I can see sounds.
Sir, can I talk to you for a second?
Come on, man, just hear me out.
I didn't say anything.
Right, sorry.
I just assumed you would say no.
What about this? What if this thing
with Mad Buff isn't just a one-off?
What if it's an ongoing
business relationship
between Space Force and Mad Buff?
I mean, that would solve
so much of our money problems.
[grinding]
You're grinding your teeth. It's gross.
Sorry, I can't... I can't stop it.
But if Sec Def saw
that we were able to raise these funds,
there is a chance that Sec Def matches it.
Hell, we may be able to even
restart Dr. Mallory's Mars mission.
"Dr. Mallory's Mars mission."
Do you hear that? "Mallory's Mars..."
Tony, the Mars mission's
going to cost four billion dollars.
It's a start. Picture it for a second.
Commander Lancaster lands on Mars,
gets out, looks around, says,
"One small step for man... Oh, what's this?"
"One giant swig of the number three
energy drink in the continental US."
Know what?
I don't really care about the money,
but showing initiative to the Sec Def,
that could be good.
Why don't you work on this?
- Let me know if there's any merit in it.
- Thank you, sir!
[shoes squeaking]
- [Mark] No! Stop that!
- You got it!
[rock music playing]
[announcer] Welcome, future engineers,
to the Battle Bots competition.
Mentees and scientists,
please bring your robots to the front desk
for certification and instruction.
- Yeah. Then there was another A-210.
- 'Cause I think the ratio has to be exact.
That's Drummer Moon Girl. Can we go over?
I took up the drums because of her.
- Oh, I don't think we're...
- You don't know her?
Oh, I know her. Of course I know her.
Come on. [chuckles]
[Angela] Wasn't it 2.5
the last time you checked?
- [girl] 2.4.
- It has to be exact...
Uh, Captain Angela Ali,
I want you to meet Jill, my mentee.
- Hi.
- [Jill] Hi.
I like your robot.
Oh, thank you. Me too.
[Chan] Hmm. It's nice.
Six smooth, flat surfaces.
An impenetrable box.
You see, the idea here, Jill,
is to not let anyone in,
hiding from the outside world
and leaving your opponents very confused.
I don't know, Jill. Some things
aren't as simple as they seem.
This has many inner-workings, in fact,
that you know nothing about.
If your enemy doesn't take the time
to understand your robot,
he's going to lose.
[laughs]
- Well, somebody's gotta lose, right?
- I wonder who?
Oh, this is gonna be a fun day, Jill.
Why don't you say goodbye
to the nice lady?
- Bye.
- Bye.
What the heck was that?
[sighs] It's just, you know, Battle Bots.
You know what? Mind your business.
- [tense music plays]
- Is everything okay, Dr. Chan?
No, Jill.
Let's just win.
Erin, there's no need to be anxious.
- Oh, I'm gonna blow this interview.
- No, you won't.
- My dad's gonna kill me.
- No, he won't.
Were you nervous when you applied?
See, I never applied. I... I was recruited.
But not everyone needs to go to college.
Erin does, Dr. Mallory.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
[sighs] You ready?
Hey, do you think, um,
Adrian can help me with the interview?
For moral support?
I mean, normally, Mom would be here,
- but...
- Um...
I... I'd be delighted to help if you would
like me to stay, Mark. If you don't mind.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, that sounds great. More the merrier.
- All right, here we go.
- Okay.
Here's a sample question.
Erin, why do you want
to attend Colorado College?
Because it is close enough to my dad
that he can keep an eye on me
without repurposing a satellite.
- [Mark] Hmm. Okay. Very cute.
- [laughs]
The real response would be something like,
"I want to establish
a strong academic foundation
for a subsequent advanced degree
that will lead
to a satisfying professional career."
Or words to that effect.
They don't have to be these words,
but words...
- May I?
- You could use these words.
- That's fine.
- May I butt in?
- Because I've worked in academia.
- Of course. Yeah, yeah, go for it.
So, I just have a small suggestion.
Were I Erin, I would simply say,
"I want to go to Colorado College
to learn."
- "To find my path."
- [Erin] Mmm.
Great advice, but I...
And it's only
in the undertaking of the journey
that we find where the journey leads.
Yes, Dr. Mallory is very well-intentioned,
but your mother and I
are responsible for you,
and we have thought a lot
about your journey from birth.
- From birth we have.
- Of course you have. Point taken.
- The two of us. Her mother and I.
- Of course. Yes.
- Of course.
- [Mark] May I proceed?
Project confidence.
Confidence is the single most
determining factor of success.
Okay, but what if
I'm actually really nervous?
No, no, no, no, no! Don't be nervous.
- Relax! Relax, Erin.
- How am I supposed to relax?
Okay, all right.
Now I'm even more nervous. Great.
Another question they might ask is,
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
[scoffs] I don't know!
No, no! Don't... Don't say you don't know.
- Do you know where you'll be in ten years?
- That's not the point.
- Mark.
- Yes?
I mean, were I the interviewer,
I would find her response
refreshingly honest.
The answer to that question is,
"In four years, I see myself
graduating from this college with honors."
Boom. Mic drop.
Mmm!
- What's that?
- That's called the "dab."
The dab?
[groans, sighs]
Mad Buff gives you mad confidence.
I love it. You nailed it. Movin' on.
- Again?
- Again. One more.
Thank you.
Um, even more confident. [growls]
[gruffly]
Mad Buff gives you mad confidence.
- I think we got it.
- [Tony] I know we got it.
That oozed confidence.
I think we're movin' on, right?
It was just a little bit louder, so...
- [Tony] Absolutely louder.
- Right?
Could you put the can
closer to your face, please?
I mean, it's almost touching my cheek.
Press the skin. It's a Mad Buff meme
called "Pressing the Buff."
- Yeah, no, I'm not gonna do that.
- He's not gonna do that.
I think that looks amazing.
He looks strong. He looks like a man.
Yeah. Okay, I guess
we can make that one work.
- All right. Thank you so much.
- Thank you, General.
Watch out, movie star.
- [Tony chuckling]
- No, no, no. No, you turn that off.
Permission to film denied.
That is an order.
Hey, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
See, I've ruined it.
You can't use that now.
[rock music playing]
Welcome to the annual
Wild Horse Student Robotics Fair!
Sponsored by Space Force
and Mad Buff energy drink.
The only drink
that gives you mad confidence.
[cheering]
In the first match:
Kill your robots? Yes, they can.
- Give it up for Jill and Chan!
- Whoo!
And their opponents.
He's a thinker, not a smiler.
Give it up for Dr. Xyler.
[applause]
And Doug. And Doug.
[whistle trills]
Let's do it!
Go right at him! Yes!
Go left. Go around him. Go around him.
Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!
[metal grinding]
Ooh. Yes! One more, one more! Go, go, go.
Oh no! No! No!
[crowd cheering]
- Yes!
- Goddamnit, Doug!
[Chan yells triumphantly]
Yes!
[crowd cheering]
[Tony] And the winner is
Jill and Dr. Chan!
Whoo! Sorry you suck, Xyler!
Shut up, Chan.
Doug, get a better mentor next year.
Whoo!
[suspenseful music playing]
[whispers] Erin.
Oh my God. What are you doing?
Just wanna give you some advice,
but you didn't hear it from me.
I know your father means well,
but I think you have
to speak from the heart
and trust that they will see
what an exceptional
young woman you are, Erin.
And above all, you have to relax.
Yes. At least you guys
can both agree on that.
Because, you see,
everything does not hang on this.
Very little actually does.
And if you wanna take a year off
to travel before college, do it.
- I do know people who did that.
- Yes, you do.
Me. In my gap year,
I saw the wonders of the classical world.
- Greece, Rome, Egypt.
- Cool.
And that trip was also
my sexual awakening.
I mean,
I barely paid for a meal or a hotel room
from Algiers to Königsberg.
Wow.
That's...
That's really something. Thank you.
- [Mallory] Yeah. It was incredible.
- [Erin] Yeah, I'm su... Yes. Okay.
[vending machine creaking]
[Mallory] Wait. I'm... I'm stuck.
- Erin. My sweater.
- [struggling thumps]
Think I'll get something
from the vending machine. [sighs]
Mark, is that you?
[coins dropping]
Maybe the Harvest Cheddar.
Mark, can you help me out of here?
- [Mark] Mmm.
- [beeping]
- [Mallory] Mark.
- [item clatters]
- Oh...
- Mark, don't do this.
- Oh, boy, oh, boy, those look good.
- Mark.
- [Mallory bangs machine] Mark.
- [Mark] Yummy.
[Mallory] Mark.
[grunting heavily]
[fabric ripping]
- [Mallory] Siri, call Dr. Chan.
- [phone beeps]
- Welcome to the finals!
- [crowd cheering]
Our competitors tonight,
two of my favorite people on planet Earth.
From snowy Honolulu,
give it up for Captain Angela Ali!
And from the exotic paradise
that is northeastern Ohio,
give it up for Dr. Chan!
Again, this is all brought to you
by Mad Buff.
A stampede of "hell yeah" in every sip.
Oh, and their mentees
are Jill-someone and Rowan.
At my signal...
Let's get it on!
- [whistle trills]
- [loud cheering]
[robots whirring]
Go right at it. We're gonna crush this!
You got this. Go!
[metal clanks]
Wipe that smug smile off her face.
She knows she couldn't have gone
to the moon without me.
What are you doing?
Not the time or place, Chan.
Then bring your pathetic box this way.
I can't believe you're doing this now.
But fine. If you wanna go, we can go.
If you're so good at breaking hearts,
try breaking this. Huh?
Breaking hearts? What?
You knew what was up.
I was honest with you from the beginning.
You don't even know what you want, okay?
You were the one who pursued me first.
So? Then you wouldn't stop pursuing me.
This is ridiculous, Chan.
You were the best sex I ever had.
- Really?
- Dr. Chan, it's a trap!
[bot rumbling]
[drill whirring]
Brad! Brad! That's a foul!
That's a flagrant foul. Do something.
Uh, ten, nine, eight, seven...
- [Chan] No! It's not over.
- ...six, five, four, three...
- I don't want this one to be over! No!
- [Brad] ...two, one, it is over!
No!
- [Brad] Angela is never taking him back!
- [cheers]
[Angela] We did it!
And we have a winner!
The grand prize goes to Team Cube.
And here to present the trophy,
Instagram's biggest "BILF," Mad Buffy!
♪ Robot-on-robot violence ♪
♪ They like to fight
But why can't they love? ♪
[crowd cheering]
- It's... Okay.
- No, I can do it. Just send to screen.
Hold on. Oh, there we go. Hello.
Hello, Erin. I'm Professor Yaffe.
Hello there.
Just wanted to say good luck, Erin.
[chuckles] My goodness. I didn't realize
the interview was already starting.
I'm so sorry. I'm Dr. Mallory.
Erin has been interning
with the science team here at Space Force.
She is a very intelligent young woman.
- Yes, well...
- Exceptionally clever.
[Mark] We'll let you do your interview.
Sorry, I just wanted to say
good luck, Erin. Good luck.
Are these all your parents?
- Oh, no. I don't have three dads.
- [laughing]
Well, it's okay if you do.
Colorado College
is a very inclusive institution.
- Very well.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Okay.
- Well, I only have one dad.
- This one... This one is my dad.
- Hello.
General Naird. He's the commander
here at Space Force.
- That doesn't...
- And these two, they're just my friends.
I'm almost like a relative.
Not by blood, but soul. We're close.
You're just confusing her.
Thank you so much.
- Yes.
- [Brad chuckles]
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
[sighs]
[Dr. Yaffe]
It's wonderful to meet you, Erin.
I'd like to get to know you
a little bit better.
What is something
everyone should know about you?
What an unbelievable day.
Look at these participants,
but there can only be one winner.
Give it up for Rowan Martin
and Captain Angela Ali!
Thank you. Ooh! Mine!
Thank you!
This is better than going to the moon.
Uh, can I hold the trophy?
I'm sorry. Yes.
What's up with you and Dr. Chan?
Absolutely nothing is up
with me and Dr. Chan, nosy.
I'm friends with all my exes.
[Mark sighs heavily]
What is taking so long?
Well, maybe it's a good thing.
Chatting away, lost in conversation.
She's not the chatty type.
Well, she was quite the storyteller
last night at dinner.
Really?
Yeah, but of course
I think it's easier for them
to open up to an adult
who's not their parent.
I suppose.
Oh.
Hey! How'd it go?
You can cross
Colorado College off the list.
[sighs] What the hell happened?
You know what? I know someone there.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
This might actually
work out, Scarapiducci.
Oh, I want it to work out.
Take a look at this.
We roughed up a quick promo.
You are going to love it.
I can't wait.
[rock music playing]
[announcer]
When the murder robots come for you,
- what are you gonna do?
- [crowd screaming]
[announcer] Mad Buff!
- Mad Buff gives you mad confidence.
- [announcer] More energy!
- Mad confidence.
- [announcer] More caffeine!
- Mad confidence.
- And an extra dose of...
Mad, mad, mad confidence.
[announcer] It will drive you insane!
[bull roars]
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah!
[high-pitched] Blah, blah, blah, blah.
How much do you love it?
Oh.
Um...
Hey, Ron, it's Adrian Mallory.
I just wanted to follow up
about Erin's interview.
[Ron] I checked in with Professor Yaffe
quietly, like you asked.
[whispers] How badly did she tank it?
And what did she say?
Yaffe said, and I quote,
"It was the best display
of character and confidence
I have seen in an interview in 35 years."
- [whispers] Really?
- Really?
[Ron] Really.
I mean, how often does a person her age
say she's not mature enough for college
and won't apply until she's ready?
Very smart and very self-aware.
I see.
Someone like that will be a success
in life, no matter what they do.
Well, I'll be damned.
- There you go, enjoy. Congratulations.
- Awesome, thank you.
All right.
We got another scoop of vanilla?
- [Brad] Okay...
- Would you like me to get you a spoon?
- [Erin] Kinda reminds me of...
- [Angela] Strawberry Shortcake?
- Yes. Yes! That's it.
- [Angela] Mm-hmm.
General, may I talk to you for a second?
Uh...
- Sure.
- [announcer] It will drive you insane!
[Mark] Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah!
[high-pitched] Blah, blah...
[exhales] Sweet Jesus.
Well, that is a giant turd sandwich.
- I know.
- God.
That's what they want to run as the promo.
- No, no, no.
- I know. I wouldn't approve it.
I didn't approve it. This is my version.
[inspirational music playing]
[bots whirring]
[announcer] The United States Space Force
and its generous corporate partners
salute America's future scientists,
astronauts, and engineers.
- The heroes of tomorrow.
- [cheering]
[rocket whooshing]
- [soft instrumentals play]
- I like that.
But, uh, I'm assuming this is
gonna hurt the partnership with Mad Buff?
- Then it's not the partnership for us.
- Mmm.
I'm proud of you, Anthony.
Thank you.
- That means a lot, Papa Bear.
- God...
Too much. I pushed too much. I'm so sorry.
[whispers] Just this once.
- [chuckles]
- [music ends]
Here.
- [somber instrumentals play]
- Thanks.
It's gonna be okay, Dr. Chan.
I know you wanted to win, but,
come on, second place is pretty good too.
[voice breaking] Oh yeah. I know.
[sighs]
- Hey, bug.
- Hey.
- [grunts]
- [music ends]
- Ooh. Banana split.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought we only had the budget
for chocolate and vanilla.
Oh, I had a good day in the stock market,
so I gave Brad a couple hundred bucks
to step it up a little.
Oh...
[jaunty instrumental music playing]
[theme music playing]
[rocket engine whooshing]
[gently suspenseful music playing]
[Erin] Bonne nuit!
[door opens, shuts]
- Hey!
- Hey.
How was dinner?
It was really fun. Jerome cooked,
and then Adrian was showing us...
Dr. Mallory?
Um, he told me to call him Adrian.
He was showing us his Africa scrapbooks.
You know he's lived in 11 countries?
- No, I didn't.
- He's so cool.
We... We watched The Last Dance.
We drank yerba mate tea.
- It's like a... like a green tea but cool.
- [sighs]
You know what I mean? Yeah.
Anyway, you know what's really weird?
- [Mark] Mmm?
- Dennis Rodman and Madonna dated.
- You know about that?
- Yeah. I did know about that.
- So weird.
- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Come here.
You said you were going to be home early
so you could prep
for your interview tomorrow.
Yes. The interview.
Yes. At Colorado College.
Honey, this is a big deal.
I want you to take this seriously.
I do take this seriously.
I want you to head right upstairs,
go to bed.
I want you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed
so you really crush it in the morning.
- Okay.
- Because you are going to crush it.
- I'll try.
- No, no. Don't try, do.
Honey? Honey, come here.
I wanna hear you say it.
"I'm going to crush it."
- I'm going to crush this.
- I can't hear you.
[aggressively] I'm gonna crush it!
All right. I'd like you to say that
a hundred times before you go to bed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [flatly] I'm gonna crush it.
- That's one.
- [Spanish accent] I'm going to crush it.
- Two.
- [drawling] I'm goin' to crush it.
- Three.
Hey, Dad, guess what I'm going
to do tomorrow? I'm gonna crush it!
- I'm a good dad.
- [singsongy] Gonna crush this.
I know what the hell I'm doing.
No, you're screwing this up. Okay?
I can't guide Erin through
the college application process, okay?
Because I'm, well, here.
Yeah, well, I'm prepping her,
and she's gonna crush it.
- Is she, Mark? Is she gonna crush it?
- Yeah, she is.
Well, she better. Okay?
Because I kept her on track for 16 years.
She was top of her class.
- Okay? Then you moved us to Wild Horse.
- Oh.
- Here we go.
- And the wheels fell off the bus.
- Uh-huh.
- You asked for sole custody.
And you got it, so, you know,
- this is all on you.
- Oh-ho-ho!
We're talking about custody?
Oh, sure, I got sole custody.
You know why? Because you're in custody.
Ah-ha!
Once again, you turn
a pleasant conversation hostile.
Classic Mark.
No, don't... don't...
Oh! I thought I heard Maggie.
How the heck are you, Mags?
Hey, Brad! Great. Great.
I'm getting an accounting degree.
And I got a pet rat.
- Excellent...
- Brad, do you mind?
Oh, okay. Uh, well, love to Louise.
And, General, they're here.
Mags, I gotta go.
Got a meeting
with an energy drink company.
- Can we finish this later?
- Sure, yeah, no, that sounds important.
Wha... Okay.
- [tense instrumentals playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
What? What are you...
[chuckles] What are you doing?
Are you hiding?
Just tying my shoe. [chuckles]
Oh, okay. That's very weird. [laughs]
[Chan] Why is this weird?
Shoes get tied every day,
all over the world.
You're just behind a security desk.
- You think I'm, like, hiding from you?
- I don't know what you're doing.
- Don't give yourself that much credit.
- I'm not.
You're the one being weird.
What are you doing?
Gonna tie the other shoe
if you wanna watch.
I don't give a damn what you do.
Fuckin' tie your shoe, tie both,
don't wear any shoes!
You care about his fucking shoes?
I can't believe you're acting like this.
Buddy, you can stay here
as long as you need to.
Thanks.
These people are gonna be absolutely...
General Naird!
This is Audrey Haller, the Senior Director
of Marketing over at Mad Buff.
Nice to meet you. And thanks
for sponsoring this year's event.
Oh my God, the timing couldn't be better.
Your parent company
wants to expand their demo.
Meanwhile, we're looking for a cool brand
to get some extra funding.
This is like a romantic comedy,
but there is no annoying best friend.
Well, a Battle Bot competition
is very much on-brand for us.
[Tony laughs] Us too.
Us too.
"Battle" and "bots" are probably,
like, the most popular words said here.
That, and like "science."
Lot of people say "science,"
then "battle" and "bots."
- We're basically the same company.
- That is not true.
I mean, uh, listen to this though.
Their catchphrase is
"Mad Buff gives you mad confidence."
Well, "confidence" is a word
we're familiar with in the military.
But confidence without arrogance.
I am a fan of football players
who don't do an end-zone dance,
who quietly celebrate a job well done.
- Yeah. I love that too. I love that.
- Yes.
But I also love the celebrations.
You kidding me? I love 'em. [laughs]
I'd watch a whole game
where they're going like this all day.
What's going on?
I don't even care what the score is.
This is going amazing.
Does anybody feel like they're flying?
I feel like I'm levitating off the ground
and looking at this.
And we get General Naird for the promo.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not going to happen.
Just, like, a tiny promo.
- Nope. Nope.
- It's just... Well, it's just...
Eeh... Ehh...
We are contributing $300,000.
[Tony] 300K, General.
Yeah, okay. I suppose we could discuss it.
Just as long as
I don't have to say or do anything
that would compromise the integrity
of Space Force or the US military.
- Baby Bear's got you covered, Papa Bear.
- Don't do that.
- Last time.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
- Great. So good to see you.
What is up with you?
You're agitated more than usual.
I drank a little Mad Buff. I'm jittery.
I also feel like I can see sounds.
Sir, can I talk to you for a second?
Come on, man, just hear me out.
I didn't say anything.
Right, sorry.
I just assumed you would say no.
What about this? What if this thing
with Mad Buff isn't just a one-off?
What if it's an ongoing
business relationship
between Space Force and Mad Buff?
I mean, that would solve
so much of our money problems.
[grinding]
You're grinding your teeth. It's gross.
Sorry, I can't... I can't stop it.
But if Sec Def saw
that we were able to raise these funds,
there is a chance that Sec Def matches it.
Hell, we may be able to even
restart Dr. Mallory's Mars mission.
"Dr. Mallory's Mars mission."
Do you hear that? "Mallory's Mars..."
Tony, the Mars mission's
going to cost four billion dollars.
It's a start. Picture it for a second.
Commander Lancaster lands on Mars,
gets out, looks around, says,
"One small step for man... Oh, what's this?"
"One giant swig of the number three
energy drink in the continental US."
Know what?
I don't really care about the money,
but showing initiative to the Sec Def,
that could be good.
Why don't you work on this?
- Let me know if there's any merit in it.
- Thank you, sir!
[shoes squeaking]
- [Mark] No! Stop that!
- You got it!
[rock music playing]
[announcer] Welcome, future engineers,
to the Battle Bots competition.
Mentees and scientists,
please bring your robots to the front desk
for certification and instruction.
- Yeah. Then there was another A-210.
- 'Cause I think the ratio has to be exact.
That's Drummer Moon Girl. Can we go over?
I took up the drums because of her.
- Oh, I don't think we're...
- You don't know her?
Oh, I know her. Of course I know her.
Come on. [chuckles]
[Angela] Wasn't it 2.5
the last time you checked?
- [girl] 2.4.
- It has to be exact...
Uh, Captain Angela Ali,
I want you to meet Jill, my mentee.
- Hi.
- [Jill] Hi.
I like your robot.
Oh, thank you. Me too.
[Chan] Hmm. It's nice.
Six smooth, flat surfaces.
An impenetrable box.
You see, the idea here, Jill,
is to not let anyone in,
hiding from the outside world
and leaving your opponents very confused.
I don't know, Jill. Some things
aren't as simple as they seem.
This has many inner-workings, in fact,
that you know nothing about.
If your enemy doesn't take the time
to understand your robot,
he's going to lose.
[laughs]
- Well, somebody's gotta lose, right?
- I wonder who?
Oh, this is gonna be a fun day, Jill.
Why don't you say goodbye
to the nice lady?
- Bye.
- Bye.
What the heck was that?
[sighs] It's just, you know, Battle Bots.
You know what? Mind your business.
- [tense music plays]
- Is everything okay, Dr. Chan?
No, Jill.
Let's just win.
Erin, there's no need to be anxious.
- Oh, I'm gonna blow this interview.
- No, you won't.
- My dad's gonna kill me.
- No, he won't.
Were you nervous when you applied?
See, I never applied. I... I was recruited.
But not everyone needs to go to college.
Erin does, Dr. Mallory.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
[sighs] You ready?
Hey, do you think, um,
Adrian can help me with the interview?
For moral support?
I mean, normally, Mom would be here,
- but...
- Um...
I... I'd be delighted to help if you would
like me to stay, Mark. If you don't mind.
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, that sounds great. More the merrier.
- All right, here we go.
- Okay.
Here's a sample question.
Erin, why do you want
to attend Colorado College?
Because it is close enough to my dad
that he can keep an eye on me
without repurposing a satellite.
- [Mark] Hmm. Okay. Very cute.
- [laughs]
The real response would be something like,
"I want to establish
a strong academic foundation
for a subsequent advanced degree
that will lead
to a satisfying professional career."
Or words to that effect.
They don't have to be these words,
but words...
- May I?
- You could use these words.
- That's fine.
- May I butt in?
- Because I've worked in academia.
- Of course. Yeah, yeah, go for it.
So, I just have a small suggestion.
Were I Erin, I would simply say,
"I want to go to Colorado College
to learn."
- "To find my path."
- [Erin] Mmm.
Great advice, but I...
And it's only
in the undertaking of the journey
that we find where the journey leads.
Yes, Dr. Mallory is very well-intentioned,
but your mother and I
are responsible for you,
and we have thought a lot
about your journey from birth.
- From birth we have.
- Of course you have. Point taken.
- The two of us. Her mother and I.
- Of course. Yes.
- Of course.
- [Mark] May I proceed?
Project confidence.
Confidence is the single most
determining factor of success.
Okay, but what if
I'm actually really nervous?
No, no, no, no, no! Don't be nervous.
- Relax! Relax, Erin.
- How am I supposed to relax?
Okay, all right.
Now I'm even more nervous. Great.
Another question they might ask is,
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
[scoffs] I don't know!
No, no! Don't... Don't say you don't know.
- Do you know where you'll be in ten years?
- That's not the point.
- Mark.
- Yes?
I mean, were I the interviewer,
I would find her response
refreshingly honest.
The answer to that question is,
"In four years, I see myself
graduating from this college with honors."
Boom. Mic drop.
Mmm!
- What's that?
- That's called the "dab."
The dab?
[groans, sighs]
Mad Buff gives you mad confidence.
I love it. You nailed it. Movin' on.
- Again?
- Again. One more.
Thank you.
Um, even more confident. [growls]
[gruffly]
Mad Buff gives you mad confidence.
- I think we got it.
- [Tony] I know we got it.
That oozed confidence.
I think we're movin' on, right?
It was just a little bit louder, so...
- [Tony] Absolutely louder.
- Right?
Could you put the can
closer to your face, please?
I mean, it's almost touching my cheek.
Press the skin. It's a Mad Buff meme
called "Pressing the Buff."
- Yeah, no, I'm not gonna do that.
- He's not gonna do that.
I think that looks amazing.
He looks strong. He looks like a man.
Yeah. Okay, I guess
we can make that one work.
- All right. Thank you so much.
- Thank you, General.
Watch out, movie star.
- [Tony chuckling]
- No, no, no. No, you turn that off.
Permission to film denied.
That is an order.
Hey, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
See, I've ruined it.
You can't use that now.
[rock music playing]
Welcome to the annual
Wild Horse Student Robotics Fair!
Sponsored by Space Force
and Mad Buff energy drink.
The only drink
that gives you mad confidence.
[cheering]
In the first match:
Kill your robots? Yes, they can.
- Give it up for Jill and Chan!
- Whoo!
And their opponents.
He's a thinker, not a smiler.
Give it up for Dr. Xyler.
[applause]
And Doug. And Doug.
[whistle trills]
Let's do it!
Go right at him! Yes!
Go left. Go around him. Go around him.
Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!
[metal grinding]
Ooh. Yes! One more, one more! Go, go, go.
Oh no! No! No!
[crowd cheering]
- Yes!
- Goddamnit, Doug!
[Chan yells triumphantly]
Yes!
[crowd cheering]
[Tony] And the winner is
Jill and Dr. Chan!
Whoo! Sorry you suck, Xyler!
Shut up, Chan.
Doug, get a better mentor next year.
Whoo!
[suspenseful music playing]
[whispers] Erin.
Oh my God. What are you doing?
Just wanna give you some advice,
but you didn't hear it from me.
I know your father means well,
but I think you have
to speak from the heart
and trust that they will see
what an exceptional
young woman you are, Erin.
And above all, you have to relax.
Yes. At least you guys
can both agree on that.
Because, you see,
everything does not hang on this.
Very little actually does.
And if you wanna take a year off
to travel before college, do it.
- I do know people who did that.
- Yes, you do.
Me. In my gap year,
I saw the wonders of the classical world.
- Greece, Rome, Egypt.
- Cool.
And that trip was also
my sexual awakening.
I mean,
I barely paid for a meal or a hotel room
from Algiers to Königsberg.
Wow.
That's...
That's really something. Thank you.
- [Mallory] Yeah. It was incredible.
- [Erin] Yeah, I'm su... Yes. Okay.
[vending machine creaking]
[Mallory] Wait. I'm... I'm stuck.
- Erin. My sweater.
- [struggling thumps]
Think I'll get something
from the vending machine. [sighs]
Mark, is that you?
[coins dropping]
Maybe the Harvest Cheddar.
Mark, can you help me out of here?
- [Mark] Mmm.
- [beeping]
- [Mallory] Mark.
- [item clatters]
- Oh...
- Mark, don't do this.
- Oh, boy, oh, boy, those look good.
- Mark.
- [Mallory bangs machine] Mark.
- [Mark] Yummy.
[Mallory] Mark.
[grunting heavily]
[fabric ripping]
- [Mallory] Siri, call Dr. Chan.
- [phone beeps]
- Welcome to the finals!
- [crowd cheering]
Our competitors tonight,
two of my favorite people on planet Earth.
From snowy Honolulu,
give it up for Captain Angela Ali!
And from the exotic paradise
that is northeastern Ohio,
give it up for Dr. Chan!
Again, this is all brought to you
by Mad Buff.
A stampede of "hell yeah" in every sip.
Oh, and their mentees
are Jill-someone and Rowan.
At my signal...
Let's get it on!
- [whistle trills]
- [loud cheering]
[robots whirring]
Go right at it. We're gonna crush this!
You got this. Go!
[metal clanks]
Wipe that smug smile off her face.
She knows she couldn't have gone
to the moon without me.
What are you doing?
Not the time or place, Chan.
Then bring your pathetic box this way.
I can't believe you're doing this now.
But fine. If you wanna go, we can go.
If you're so good at breaking hearts,
try breaking this. Huh?
Breaking hearts? What?
You knew what was up.
I was honest with you from the beginning.
You don't even know what you want, okay?
You were the one who pursued me first.
So? Then you wouldn't stop pursuing me.
This is ridiculous, Chan.
You were the best sex I ever had.
- Really?
- Dr. Chan, it's a trap!
[bot rumbling]
[drill whirring]
Brad! Brad! That's a foul!
That's a flagrant foul. Do something.
Uh, ten, nine, eight, seven...
- [Chan] No! It's not over.
- ...six, five, four, three...
- I don't want this one to be over! No!
- [Brad] ...two, one, it is over!
No!
- [Brad] Angela is never taking him back!
- [cheers]
[Angela] We did it!
And we have a winner!
The grand prize goes to Team Cube.
And here to present the trophy,
Instagram's biggest "BILF," Mad Buffy!
♪ Robot-on-robot violence ♪
♪ They like to fight
But why can't they love? ♪
[crowd cheering]
- It's... Okay.
- No, I can do it. Just send to screen.
Hold on. Oh, there we go. Hello.
Hello, Erin. I'm Professor Yaffe.
Hello there.
Just wanted to say good luck, Erin.
[chuckles] My goodness. I didn't realize
the interview was already starting.
I'm so sorry. I'm Dr. Mallory.
Erin has been interning
with the science team here at Space Force.
She is a very intelligent young woman.
- Yes, well...
- Exceptionally clever.
[Mark] We'll let you do your interview.
Sorry, I just wanted to say
good luck, Erin. Good luck.
Are these all your parents?
- Oh, no. I don't have three dads.
- [laughing]
Well, it's okay if you do.
Colorado College
is a very inclusive institution.
- Very well.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Okay.
- Well, I only have one dad.
- This one... This one is my dad.
- Hello.
General Naird. He's the commander
here at Space Force.
- That doesn't...
- And these two, they're just my friends.
I'm almost like a relative.
Not by blood, but soul. We're close.
You're just confusing her.
Thank you so much.
- Yes.
- [Brad chuckles]
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
[sighs]
[Dr. Yaffe]
It's wonderful to meet you, Erin.
I'd like to get to know you
a little bit better.
What is something
everyone should know about you?
What an unbelievable day.
Look at these participants,
but there can only be one winner.
Give it up for Rowan Martin
and Captain Angela Ali!
Thank you. Ooh! Mine!
Thank you!
This is better than going to the moon.
Uh, can I hold the trophy?
I'm sorry. Yes.
What's up with you and Dr. Chan?
Absolutely nothing is up
with me and Dr. Chan, nosy.
I'm friends with all my exes.
[Mark sighs heavily]
What is taking so long?
Well, maybe it's a good thing.
Chatting away, lost in conversation.
She's not the chatty type.
Well, she was quite the storyteller
last night at dinner.
Really?
Yeah, but of course
I think it's easier for them
to open up to an adult
who's not their parent.
I suppose.
Oh.
Hey! How'd it go?
You can cross
Colorado College off the list.
[sighs] What the hell happened?
You know what? I know someone there.
I'm gonna make a phone call.
This might actually
work out, Scarapiducci.
Oh, I want it to work out.
Take a look at this.
We roughed up a quick promo.
You are going to love it.
I can't wait.
[rock music playing]
[announcer]
When the murder robots come for you,
- what are you gonna do?
- [crowd screaming]
[announcer] Mad Buff!
- Mad Buff gives you mad confidence.
- [announcer] More energy!
- Mad confidence.
- [announcer] More caffeine!
- Mad confidence.
- And an extra dose of...
Mad, mad, mad confidence.
[announcer] It will drive you insane!
[bull roars]
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah!
[high-pitched] Blah, blah, blah, blah.
How much do you love it?
Oh.
Um...
Hey, Ron, it's Adrian Mallory.
I just wanted to follow up
about Erin's interview.
[Ron] I checked in with Professor Yaffe
quietly, like you asked.
[whispers] How badly did she tank it?
And what did she say?
Yaffe said, and I quote,
"It was the best display
of character and confidence
I have seen in an interview in 35 years."
- [whispers] Really?
- Really?
[Ron] Really.
I mean, how often does a person her age
say she's not mature enough for college
and won't apply until she's ready?
Very smart and very self-aware.
I see.
Someone like that will be a success
in life, no matter what they do.
Well, I'll be damned.
- There you go, enjoy. Congratulations.
- Awesome, thank you.
All right.
We got another scoop of vanilla?
- [Brad] Okay...
- Would you like me to get you a spoon?
- [Erin] Kinda reminds me of...
- [Angela] Strawberry Shortcake?
- Yes. Yes! That's it.
- [Angela] Mm-hmm.
General, may I talk to you for a second?
Uh...
- Sure.
- [announcer] It will drive you insane!
[Mark] Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah!
[high-pitched] Blah, blah...
[exhales] Sweet Jesus.
Well, that is a giant turd sandwich.
- I know.
- God.
That's what they want to run as the promo.
- No, no, no.
- I know. I wouldn't approve it.
I didn't approve it. This is my version.
[inspirational music playing]
[bots whirring]
[announcer] The United States Space Force
and its generous corporate partners
salute America's future scientists,
astronauts, and engineers.
- The heroes of tomorrow.
- [cheering]
[rocket whooshing]
- [soft instrumentals play]
- I like that.
But, uh, I'm assuming this is
gonna hurt the partnership with Mad Buff?
- Then it's not the partnership for us.
- Mmm.
I'm proud of you, Anthony.
Thank you.
- That means a lot, Papa Bear.
- God...
Too much. I pushed too much. I'm so sorry.
[whispers] Just this once.
- [chuckles]
- [music ends]
Here.
- [somber instrumentals play]
- Thanks.
It's gonna be okay, Dr. Chan.
I know you wanted to win, but,
come on, second place is pretty good too.
[voice breaking] Oh yeah. I know.
[sighs]
- Hey, bug.
- Hey.
- [grunts]
- [music ends]
- Ooh. Banana split.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought we only had the budget
for chocolate and vanilla.
Oh, I had a good day in the stock market,
so I gave Brad a couple hundred bucks
to step it up a little.
Oh...
[jaunty instrumental music playing]
[theme music playing]