Space Force (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
[rumbling]
[rocket engine whooshing]
[eerie music playing]
If there's alien life,
do you think they'll be friendly?
- You think they'll like humans?
- I don't know, Brad.
My wife was abducted by aliens
on a business trip
and forced to have sex with her boss.
I know, Brad.
Morning, everyone.
I am about to receive specific information
as to our role in the Europa mission.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are back in the game!
- Whoo! Yes.
- [scientist whooping]
General, you don't know
how much this means to me.
Europa has always been
my favorite moon of Jupiter.
We might just find some alien life!
God, I hope
the Drake Equation is accurate.
Oh my God,
I hope the aliens like Drake too.
- [cell phone vibrates]
- Shh, shh, shh. Here we go.
Mr. Secretary.
Well, Naird, you pushed and you pushed
and called in every favor
you have left in Washington, and...
[Tony] Hmm?
Yes?
You got it.
I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be dramatic.
I was swallowing my mint.
You guys got a piece
of the Europa project.
That's great!
That is great news, Mr. Secretary.
I would like to share this
with my team. [chuckles]
I'm going to put you up on the big screen.
Wait. Are you sure you wanna
do this in front of the whole staff?
Okay. Hi, everyone.
Well, actually, NASA will be handling
the majority of the Europa project.
- [Xyler] Really?
- What?
You guys had no role at all
until Congressman Bob White of Oklahoma
got you included.
He's been in Congress
since the beginning of the space program.
Oh my God. That was 1952.
God bless Bob White.
He's been our staunchest defender.
He's 103 years old.
He's a spry 103.
Your job will be to prepare
an in-depth PowerPoint presentation
on astronaut defense.
PowerPoint?
Defense against whom?
This is an international effort
involving practically
every country on Earth.
Defense against any life forms
we might encounter.
We need our crews
to be prepared to kill 'em.
Okay, I can't see your faces,
but I'm wagering that you're all
looking pretty pissed right now.
Look, Congressman White is obsessed
with the possibility of alien invasion,
and we're just humoring his wish,
as it may well be his last.
It is extremely unlikely
that you will encounter aliens.
And even more unlikely
that they will be hostile.
But this work can be vital.
[snorts]
[laughing] Okay. I can't do it.
Are you saying our job
is incredibly important
or incredibly unimportant?
Unimportant, Naird.
But, on the other hand,
for you it's incredibly important
because if you guys
do a bad job, you're fucked.
[chuckles]
And that's how you end a phone call.
[Mark sighs] Okay.
Well, silver lining,
uh...
we are part of the Europa project.
A disgraceful and insignificant part.
Well, Adrian, there are no small jobs.
Yes, there are, and we have the smallest.
[gentle music playing]
[Angela chuckling softly]
Wow. What just happened?
Oh no. I'm sorry.
Was that your first time?
- Well, second time with you, so...
- So it was your second time.
- [giggles] I mean, three times at least.
- Okay, good.
So what's going on with us?
You know, like, what are we doing?
You just hit me up, out of the blue,
at three o'clock in the morning.
[sighs]
Just trying to figure out,
you know, what this is.
Um...
This is, you know, this.
- Thanks for clearing it up. [chuckles]
- [Angela sighs]
Fine. Um...
Okay. This is all I have the bandwidth for
at the moment. How's that?
- Bandwidth?
- Yeah.
Says the nonscientist?
I know what bandwidth means,
but why don't you explain to me
what bandwidth means?
Oh. God.
Hmm... Oh.
[sighs]
- [clattering]
- What are you doing?
- Cleaning my apartment.
- [debris rattling]
Yeah, then I might
order some running shoes online,
pay some bills.
- Right now, I'm gonna play the drums.
- At four o'clock in the morning?
It is amazing what you can accomplish when
you eliminate sleep from the equation.
Can we talk about this for a minute?
[drumming loudly]
Angela!
[woman shouts through wall]
Oh, not again!
Shut up!
[gruffly]
"The protection of human life is vital
to the success of the Europa mission."
"In the unlikely but still possible event
of hostile alien contact,
we must be prepared to respond."
I'm gonna stop you right there.
- What?
- Maybe this'll help.
Just tell me what our mission is.
You to me. Just us friends. Go.
[normal voice] To protect our astronauts
from being killed by hostile aliens.
That's incredible.
That. You just nailed it.
Use that for the rest of the speech.
Tell them what you just told me.
- [gruffly] "In the unlikely..."
- You blew it.
- I'm sorry. You can't do that voice.
- What voice?
The "General Naird
is speaking to a group" voice.
What are you talking about?
You have this weird,
almost, like,
manufactured tamber to your voice
when you're speaking to a group.
That is ridiculous.
Yeah. Well, you're right. [laughs]
Maybe I'm being an idiot.
Give it another shot. Go.
[gruffly] "In the unlikely but still
possible event of hostile alien contact..."
- Okay. I'm gonna...
- [phone beeps]
- [Mark on recording] That is ridiculous.
- Yeah. Well, you're right.
[laughs] Maybe I'm being an idiot.
Give it another shot. Go.
[Mark, gruffly] "In the unlikely but still
possible event of hostile alien contact..."
Fuck me.
And then these here, uh,
they're in alphabetical order,
so just find the letter, take these off,
put it in, and put it back down there.
Just watch your finger on that.
It's sharp.
All right, this might be
the most important part of my job.
[Erin snorts softly]
Making my dad coffee?
[chuckles] "Making my dad coffee."
It's a bit more than that, Erin.
It's about keeping him at optimal
caffeination levels throughout the day.
Not jittery, but definitely not lethargic.
- Mmm. Right.
- Yeah.
So he's clear-minded
and can make good decisions.
So he doesn't get mad at me.
Okay, so we take a filter. We unfold it.
[pensive music playing]
She said she doesn't have the bandwidth.
Because how could she say,
"You're just not good enough for me"?
Dude, it's not you.
I always thought it would be amazing
to just be a sexual plaything.
- Who wouldn't want that, right?
- Hmm. Mm-hmm.
But you know what they don't tell you?
It's not that easy.
Have you thought about actually
going to her and telling her how you feel?
I've tried, but... [scoffs]
I'm not good at that stuff.
Oh my God.
Chan, you're an amazing person.
Look at me. Look at me.
You're an amazing person.
When I see you, I see a beautiful Adonis.
I see someone so smart,
I'm afraid of saying words around him
because I'll look stupid.
I see a caring,
sensitive rocket scientist.
That's what I see in front of me now.
You know, when you say it,
I sound pretty desirable.
Well?
Can you tell her that?
You want me to do what?
Tell her I'm amazing, uh, handsome.
Whatever you just said. Tell her.
- You want me to be your hype man?
- Yes!
- No.
- That would be amazing!
I can't.
I tried it a bunch in high school.
It blows up in my face every time.
You do not want this.
I'm sorry. I overreached.
You did.
- That was weird. I made it weird.
- That was crazy.
- You don't have to do it. It's cool.
- Thank you.
- [Tony sighs]
- [suspenseful instrumentals play]
[crunching]
That's a lot of nuggets, right?
Don't...
- Okay, I'll do it.
- [muffled] You will?
- Yeah. I got you.
- Really?
- I got you. I'll do it.
- [laughs]
- [muffled] You mean it?
- God. Yes, I mean it.
Oh my God. You're the best!
Here you go.
Oh, thanks, honey.
[Erin] Mm-hmm.
How is it?
Mmm.
Good.
Bug, let me ask you something.
[clears throat]
Of all the people
that you could have interned with here,
why did you choose Brad?
I don't know.
I mean...
everyone's pretty intimidating here.
Like, they're scientists
and astronauts and soldiers.
Spacemen.
Whatever. Brad seemed like a good start.
Okay? And you always say
that there are no small jobs.
Well, we both know
that that's a bunch of hooey.
[snorts]
Okay, shouldn't we try communicating
with the aliens first before killing them?
[Mark] Hey, hey.
How's my group of brainiacs doing?
What do you have so far?
Okay. Well, based on this,
we can either shoot 'em
or we can bleach 'em to death.
Okay. I know that none of you
are fans of this mission,
but come on, guys.
We need something
a little bit better than that.
We could bore them to death
with a PowerPoint on how to kill aliens.
[all laughing]
Look, sometimes we all have to do things
that we just don't want to do.
Is this a motivational speech?
Adrian, not every job is sexy,
but every job is a job worth doing well.
My dad, he used to say,
"Mark, take the trash out."
"But don't just take it out.
Put it in the trash can."
"And don't just put it in the can.
Shove it to the bottom of the can."
"But don't just do that.
You gotta put the lid on too, Mark."
"And you need to snap the lid tight
to keep the critters out."
He was a wise man.
And he might ask,
"What kind of alien are we talking about?"
"Is it an alien with a hard,
turtle-like shell?"
"And, if so, what caliber bullets
do we use to penetrate that shell?"
Any caliber.
Because turtle shells aren't bulletproof.
Look, look, look, look, look, look,
just... just do me a favor,
and try to come up with some creative ways
to kill something, please.
- Thank you.
- Understood.
[Mark muttering]
I gotta do fuckin' everything myself.
- Can I talk with you in private?
- You can't have my parking spot.
- It's about Chan.
- What happened? Is he okay?
Oh my God. If that worries you,
this is gonna go amazing. Please.
First of all, Chan is fine.
And by that, I mean Chan is doing fine,
but also that boy is fine...
- I don't like that.
- Yeah, of course. Look at this.
- Okay? There he is.
- What?
- Wow!
- [soft ambient music playing]
Hey, did you know that at age ten,
Chan was actually a table tennis champion?
[Angela] No, I did not know that.
Also, did you know he is incredibly
sensitive and cares about so many people?
Look, if he treats a rat like that,
imagine how he would treat
a romantic partner. That could be you.
Tony, this is stupid.
Did he pay you to do this?
Put you up to it?
- [music stops]
- All pro bono.
You know what? I'm surprised.
- I know. He's incredible, right?
- No. You.
Yeah, I always took you for kind of, like,
a, you know, self-absorbed, manipulative,
you know, just soulless
kind of bullshit artist.
Wow.
- It is an art form. Thank you very much.
- Mmm.
So, what do you say?
Put you guys down for a date?
I swear, once you get in front of him,
you'll feel what I'm feeling right now.
No. No, no, no. Just...
I don't know. It's not even Chan.
Let's talk about it then.
- If it's not Chan, then what is it?
- [sighs]
I need a drink.
Check this out.
Whoo! A little trick
I learned in high school. Here we go.
Yeah. All right. [clears throat]
What should we toast to?
To Chan.
God, you love Chan.
Maybe you should date him.
Maybe I should.
I got nobody else in my life.
That can't be true.
You know more people than anybody.
Come on. There's gotta be somebody
in this phone worth another look.
- Don't touch my phone.
- What?
This is in my pocket all day.
I don't want people looking at it.
I'm not gonna do anything bad.
I've just never had anybody
actually look in my phone before.
Let me... Can I? Please? Just calm down.
Who we got? Who we got? Let's see.
Um, okay. Wait. "Bad Times in Reno."
Mm-hmm.
- "Likes Jazz Too Much."
- Mm-hmm.
Then just two people named
"Ew" and "Uh-Oh." Who are these people?
That is my system. And it's flawless.
I put things in to describe people.
It is way easier than remembering names.
Huh.
- What am I in here as?
- Doesn't matter. Just your name for...
No, let me see.
Well, you are. You are a hero.
Okay, let's just be real.
What's wrong with Chan?
Oh, nothing. No. Chan's great. Truly.
Yeah. I really like hanging out with him.
I'm just, like, not ready
for a full-time thing, you know?
And if he's sending in
a professional wingman,
it is clear he's lost his mind.
He's definitely ready
for a full-time thing,
so if you're not ready for a relationship...
No.
Know what? I don't think
you should be sleeping together.
I mean, he is a precious,
delicate little bird.
Yeah.
No. Yeah, you're totally right.
Um, and I don't need this noise anyway.
So, no more Chan. [snaps fingers]
Good.
- Can you tell him for me? Hmm?
- No. You want me to tell him?
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna tell him.
Dr. Chan, I want you to look at something,
please, on my computer.
I just want your scientific opinion.
Is this anything?
This species of bacteria
is exhibiting very unusual behavior.
I just want you, just...
for a moment, just watch it closely
and see if... if it shows any signs of...
- [screeching]
- Whoa! Jesus!
Shit!
Got you, bitches!
- [all laughing]
- Got you!
That's how it was done at MIT in the '70s.
Basic, yet effective.
Whoo! That was a nice one.
[Mallory] A morale booster,
free of charge.
You are welcome.
- [Chan] God.
- Let the games commence.
- [yells]
- [all laugh]
["A Taste of Honey" by Herb Alpert
and the Tijuana Brass playing]
[Brad screams]
Oh! Jeez, no!
[song continues]
Ooh.
[Mallory] To drop... snip.
- Making any progress on that PowerPoint?
- [whispers] Thanks, hon.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. We have
our best people working on it right now.
Wha... Gah!
What's going on there, Naird?
Is that a Mentos IED? [laughs]
- Mr. Secretary, I have to call you back.
- You are a mess, Naird. An absolute mess.
[stifled giggles]
Who's responsible for this?
Hmm?
Mark, I don't think
you understand the creative process.
Play is essential to the inventive mind.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
There's a big difference
between creativity and screw-arounds.
A screw-around is how people who work
at government agencies lose their jobs
and how government agencies
get folded into other government agencies.
I just thought it was funny.
[voice rising] Funny?
You know what I think is funny?
Someone who gets ice cream on their chin
and doesn't know about it.
Animals riding on other animals!
Goofy faces!
[yelling]
Somebody getting hit in the crotch!
A dog walking around in pants!
Or a dog trying to eat peanut butter!
That is humor!
Dad, it was just a silly prank.
[somberly] Yeah, on me.
And on the United States of America.
Yikes.
He sounds genuinely hurt.
Yeah, I think we took it too far.
Maybe we buckle down and power through
that murder Martian manual.
No more screw-arounds.
[bouncy military-style music playing]
Dr. Mallory. Uh, you can leave that here.
He doesn't want to be disturbed.
- Still miffed, is he?
- Mm-hmm.
PowerPoint complete.
Here you go, boss.
[sighs]
Hmm. Pretty good.
[quirky instrumentals playing]
Interning for Brad?
That's an heroic but reckless choice.
So what did your dad think
of the PowerPoint?
Are we all good now?
Oh, that. Uh, he didn't finish.
Yeah, he came out upset.
Said he was going to subbasement six.
Subbasement six? What's down there?
Wh... Uh...
- No idea.
- Is that where he goes to sulk?
Why would I know that?
It's my first day. I'm an intern.
But is he okay?
He seemed pretty upset about something.
I... I don't know.
He didn't wanna talk about it.
[mysterious music plays]
[elevator dings]
[beeps]
- How'd you get that?
- Uh, took it out of my dad's drawer.
[Mallory] SB6.
Huh. Who knew?
So, who is gonna lead the apology?
Hmm, I would think that's my job.
[elevator dings]
[Chan] What the fuck?
- [indistinct whispering]
- [air whooshing in suits]
[flatline tone on monitor]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Chan] What is that under the sheet?
[Mallory] No idea.
- Is that a webbed hand?
- [defibrillator powering up]
- [muffled male voice] Clear.
- [Chan] My God.
- Oh, it's moving.
- [rapid beeping]
- [shocks]
- [Erin gasps]
Oh.
- [low growling]
- [all gasp]
- Oh! Oh God!
- [Mallory] Mark, watch out!
- [growls]
- [all shouting]
[choking]
[shrieks] No! No, no!
- No!
- Mark! Mark, strike him!
[alien growling]
[alien and Mark laughing]
[continues laughing]
You motherfuckers.
We got you! We got you so good.
Well done. Bravo.
[laughing]
- Should've seen your faces!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were in on this too?
- Duh.
- [laughing]
- Did you buy that?
- We bought it.
I tried to start it subtly
and let the tension build.
- Ooh.
- [laughing]
[upbeat instrumentals play]
See, Angela is an adventurous woman
and a free spirit.
And, of course, she's a hero.
- And heroes have a lot on their plate.
- [music stops]
I know. I already like her.
Why are you showing me all this?
Yeah. Okay. You know how you asked me
to go talk to her about you guys?
- Yeah. And?
- Okay, I did.
We decided that maybe now
is not the best time for you guys to date.
What? I asked you to be my wingman.
This is how you help?
I am helping you. I care about you.
I don't wanna see you get hurt. Okay?
So here's my pitch.
It's over.
What?
Are you breaking up with me for her?
Yes, but it's not you. It's her.
- Is she seeing someone else?
- Of course not. Of course not.
She would never do that to you.
- Then what is it?
- She can't be in a relationship right now.
I don't have to be
in a relationship at all.
- I'm cool with whatever.
- Chan. Chan.
Go tell her that. I'm cool. I'm chill.
Chan, are you really cool with
you guys not being in a relationship?
And just hooking up
like you've been doing?
You okay? Do you wanna get some yogurt?
- Yeah.
- Come on. You're a big boy.
Come on. Let's get a big boy yogurt.
- Hey, you're gonna be all right.
- [Chan sobs]
- Credit where credit is due.
- [Mark snorts, sighs]
That was an excellent prank.
Utterly convincing, really.
I can be a fun guy.
Oh, and you were right.
Sometimes a team
just needs a little screw-around.
So thank you.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
[snorts]
[laughs]
- Who did this?
- Did what?
Oh, that is beautiful. Who did that?
- [PA clicks]
- Attention, everyone.
I'd like to let you know
that I just received...
[on PA] ...my divorce papers.
And I am devastated
because, apparently,
my wife is leaving me,
and our marriage is over.
- Mark...
- I'm about to be a single dad. Oh no!
[chortles]
What am I gonna do?
Ha!
[on PA] I'm going to die alone.
[laughs]
So, kudos to everyone out there
for your excellent work.
Let me see that.
Let me see those devils' handiwork.
Look at that.
Wow.
The attention to detail is...
[Mark sighs]
Well...
The Colorado seal is...
quite accurate.
Looks very real.
[moans]
Oh...
[sobs]
[on PA] Oh my God.
Oh my God, Adrian!
[sobbing] Oh God!
It's happening! It's happening!
[sobs]
Oh God, what am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
[theme music playing]
[rocket engine whooshing]
[eerie music playing]
If there's alien life,
do you think they'll be friendly?
- You think they'll like humans?
- I don't know, Brad.
My wife was abducted by aliens
on a business trip
and forced to have sex with her boss.
I know, Brad.
Morning, everyone.
I am about to receive specific information
as to our role in the Europa mission.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are back in the game!
- Whoo! Yes.
- [scientist whooping]
General, you don't know
how much this means to me.
Europa has always been
my favorite moon of Jupiter.
We might just find some alien life!
God, I hope
the Drake Equation is accurate.
Oh my God,
I hope the aliens like Drake too.
- [cell phone vibrates]
- Shh, shh, shh. Here we go.
Mr. Secretary.
Well, Naird, you pushed and you pushed
and called in every favor
you have left in Washington, and...
[Tony] Hmm?
Yes?
You got it.
I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be dramatic.
I was swallowing my mint.
You guys got a piece
of the Europa project.
That's great!
That is great news, Mr. Secretary.
I would like to share this
with my team. [chuckles]
I'm going to put you up on the big screen.
Wait. Are you sure you wanna
do this in front of the whole staff?
Okay. Hi, everyone.
Well, actually, NASA will be handling
the majority of the Europa project.
- [Xyler] Really?
- What?
You guys had no role at all
until Congressman Bob White of Oklahoma
got you included.
He's been in Congress
since the beginning of the space program.
Oh my God. That was 1952.
God bless Bob White.
He's been our staunchest defender.
He's 103 years old.
He's a spry 103.
Your job will be to prepare
an in-depth PowerPoint presentation
on astronaut defense.
PowerPoint?
Defense against whom?
This is an international effort
involving practically
every country on Earth.
Defense against any life forms
we might encounter.
We need our crews
to be prepared to kill 'em.
Okay, I can't see your faces,
but I'm wagering that you're all
looking pretty pissed right now.
Look, Congressman White is obsessed
with the possibility of alien invasion,
and we're just humoring his wish,
as it may well be his last.
It is extremely unlikely
that you will encounter aliens.
And even more unlikely
that they will be hostile.
But this work can be vital.
[snorts]
[laughing] Okay. I can't do it.
Are you saying our job
is incredibly important
or incredibly unimportant?
Unimportant, Naird.
But, on the other hand,
for you it's incredibly important
because if you guys
do a bad job, you're fucked.
[chuckles]
And that's how you end a phone call.
[Mark sighs] Okay.
Well, silver lining,
uh...
we are part of the Europa project.
A disgraceful and insignificant part.
Well, Adrian, there are no small jobs.
Yes, there are, and we have the smallest.
[gentle music playing]
[Angela chuckling softly]
Wow. What just happened?
Oh no. I'm sorry.
Was that your first time?
- Well, second time with you, so...
- So it was your second time.
- [giggles] I mean, three times at least.
- Okay, good.
So what's going on with us?
You know, like, what are we doing?
You just hit me up, out of the blue,
at three o'clock in the morning.
[sighs]
Just trying to figure out,
you know, what this is.
Um...
This is, you know, this.
- Thanks for clearing it up. [chuckles]
- [Angela sighs]
Fine. Um...
Okay. This is all I have the bandwidth for
at the moment. How's that?
- Bandwidth?
- Yeah.
Says the nonscientist?
I know what bandwidth means,
but why don't you explain to me
what bandwidth means?
Oh. God.
Hmm... Oh.
[sighs]
- [clattering]
- What are you doing?
- Cleaning my apartment.
- [debris rattling]
Yeah, then I might
order some running shoes online,
pay some bills.
- Right now, I'm gonna play the drums.
- At four o'clock in the morning?
It is amazing what you can accomplish when
you eliminate sleep from the equation.
Can we talk about this for a minute?
[drumming loudly]
Angela!
[woman shouts through wall]
Oh, not again!
Shut up!
[gruffly]
"The protection of human life is vital
to the success of the Europa mission."
"In the unlikely but still possible event
of hostile alien contact,
we must be prepared to respond."
I'm gonna stop you right there.
- What?
- Maybe this'll help.
Just tell me what our mission is.
You to me. Just us friends. Go.
[normal voice] To protect our astronauts
from being killed by hostile aliens.
That's incredible.
That. You just nailed it.
Use that for the rest of the speech.
Tell them what you just told me.
- [gruffly] "In the unlikely..."
- You blew it.
- I'm sorry. You can't do that voice.
- What voice?
The "General Naird
is speaking to a group" voice.
What are you talking about?
You have this weird,
almost, like,
manufactured tamber to your voice
when you're speaking to a group.
That is ridiculous.
Yeah. Well, you're right. [laughs]
Maybe I'm being an idiot.
Give it another shot. Go.
[gruffly] "In the unlikely but still
possible event of hostile alien contact..."
- Okay. I'm gonna...
- [phone beeps]
- [Mark on recording] That is ridiculous.
- Yeah. Well, you're right.
[laughs] Maybe I'm being an idiot.
Give it another shot. Go.
[Mark, gruffly] "In the unlikely but still
possible event of hostile alien contact..."
Fuck me.
And then these here, uh,
they're in alphabetical order,
so just find the letter, take these off,
put it in, and put it back down there.
Just watch your finger on that.
It's sharp.
All right, this might be
the most important part of my job.
[Erin snorts softly]
Making my dad coffee?
[chuckles] "Making my dad coffee."
It's a bit more than that, Erin.
It's about keeping him at optimal
caffeination levels throughout the day.
Not jittery, but definitely not lethargic.
- Mmm. Right.
- Yeah.
So he's clear-minded
and can make good decisions.
So he doesn't get mad at me.
Okay, so we take a filter. We unfold it.
[pensive music playing]
She said she doesn't have the bandwidth.
Because how could she say,
"You're just not good enough for me"?
Dude, it's not you.
I always thought it would be amazing
to just be a sexual plaything.
- Who wouldn't want that, right?
- Hmm. Mm-hmm.
But you know what they don't tell you?
It's not that easy.
Have you thought about actually
going to her and telling her how you feel?
I've tried, but... [scoffs]
I'm not good at that stuff.
Oh my God.
Chan, you're an amazing person.
Look at me. Look at me.
You're an amazing person.
When I see you, I see a beautiful Adonis.
I see someone so smart,
I'm afraid of saying words around him
because I'll look stupid.
I see a caring,
sensitive rocket scientist.
That's what I see in front of me now.
You know, when you say it,
I sound pretty desirable.
Well?
Can you tell her that?
You want me to do what?
Tell her I'm amazing, uh, handsome.
Whatever you just said. Tell her.
- You want me to be your hype man?
- Yes!
- No.
- That would be amazing!
I can't.
I tried it a bunch in high school.
It blows up in my face every time.
You do not want this.
I'm sorry. I overreached.
You did.
- That was weird. I made it weird.
- That was crazy.
- You don't have to do it. It's cool.
- Thank you.
- [Tony sighs]
- [suspenseful instrumentals play]
[crunching]
That's a lot of nuggets, right?
Don't...
- Okay, I'll do it.
- [muffled] You will?
- Yeah. I got you.
- Really?
- I got you. I'll do it.
- [laughs]
- [muffled] You mean it?
- God. Yes, I mean it.
Oh my God. You're the best!
Here you go.
Oh, thanks, honey.
[Erin] Mm-hmm.
How is it?
Mmm.
Good.
Bug, let me ask you something.
[clears throat]
Of all the people
that you could have interned with here,
why did you choose Brad?
I don't know.
I mean...
everyone's pretty intimidating here.
Like, they're scientists
and astronauts and soldiers.
Spacemen.
Whatever. Brad seemed like a good start.
Okay? And you always say
that there are no small jobs.
Well, we both know
that that's a bunch of hooey.
[snorts]
Okay, shouldn't we try communicating
with the aliens first before killing them?
[Mark] Hey, hey.
How's my group of brainiacs doing?
What do you have so far?
Okay. Well, based on this,
we can either shoot 'em
or we can bleach 'em to death.
Okay. I know that none of you
are fans of this mission,
but come on, guys.
We need something
a little bit better than that.
We could bore them to death
with a PowerPoint on how to kill aliens.
[all laughing]
Look, sometimes we all have to do things
that we just don't want to do.
Is this a motivational speech?
Adrian, not every job is sexy,
but every job is a job worth doing well.
My dad, he used to say,
"Mark, take the trash out."
"But don't just take it out.
Put it in the trash can."
"And don't just put it in the can.
Shove it to the bottom of the can."
"But don't just do that.
You gotta put the lid on too, Mark."
"And you need to snap the lid tight
to keep the critters out."
He was a wise man.
And he might ask,
"What kind of alien are we talking about?"
"Is it an alien with a hard,
turtle-like shell?"
"And, if so, what caliber bullets
do we use to penetrate that shell?"
Any caliber.
Because turtle shells aren't bulletproof.
Look, look, look, look, look, look,
just... just do me a favor,
and try to come up with some creative ways
to kill something, please.
- Thank you.
- Understood.
[Mark muttering]
I gotta do fuckin' everything myself.
- Can I talk with you in private?
- You can't have my parking spot.
- It's about Chan.
- What happened? Is he okay?
Oh my God. If that worries you,
this is gonna go amazing. Please.
First of all, Chan is fine.
And by that, I mean Chan is doing fine,
but also that boy is fine...
- I don't like that.
- Yeah, of course. Look at this.
- Okay? There he is.
- What?
- Wow!
- [soft ambient music playing]
Hey, did you know that at age ten,
Chan was actually a table tennis champion?
[Angela] No, I did not know that.
Also, did you know he is incredibly
sensitive and cares about so many people?
Look, if he treats a rat like that,
imagine how he would treat
a romantic partner. That could be you.
Tony, this is stupid.
Did he pay you to do this?
Put you up to it?
- [music stops]
- All pro bono.
You know what? I'm surprised.
- I know. He's incredible, right?
- No. You.
Yeah, I always took you for kind of, like,
a, you know, self-absorbed, manipulative,
you know, just soulless
kind of bullshit artist.
Wow.
- It is an art form. Thank you very much.
- Mmm.
So, what do you say?
Put you guys down for a date?
I swear, once you get in front of him,
you'll feel what I'm feeling right now.
No. No, no, no. Just...
I don't know. It's not even Chan.
Let's talk about it then.
- If it's not Chan, then what is it?
- [sighs]
I need a drink.
Check this out.
Whoo! A little trick
I learned in high school. Here we go.
Yeah. All right. [clears throat]
What should we toast to?
To Chan.
God, you love Chan.
Maybe you should date him.
Maybe I should.
I got nobody else in my life.
That can't be true.
You know more people than anybody.
Come on. There's gotta be somebody
in this phone worth another look.
- Don't touch my phone.
- What?
This is in my pocket all day.
I don't want people looking at it.
I'm not gonna do anything bad.
I've just never had anybody
actually look in my phone before.
Let me... Can I? Please? Just calm down.
Who we got? Who we got? Let's see.
Um, okay. Wait. "Bad Times in Reno."
Mm-hmm.
- "Likes Jazz Too Much."
- Mm-hmm.
Then just two people named
"Ew" and "Uh-Oh." Who are these people?
That is my system. And it's flawless.
I put things in to describe people.
It is way easier than remembering names.
Huh.
- What am I in here as?
- Doesn't matter. Just your name for...
No, let me see.
Well, you are. You are a hero.
Okay, let's just be real.
What's wrong with Chan?
Oh, nothing. No. Chan's great. Truly.
Yeah. I really like hanging out with him.
I'm just, like, not ready
for a full-time thing, you know?
And if he's sending in
a professional wingman,
it is clear he's lost his mind.
He's definitely ready
for a full-time thing,
so if you're not ready for a relationship...
No.
Know what? I don't think
you should be sleeping together.
I mean, he is a precious,
delicate little bird.
Yeah.
No. Yeah, you're totally right.
Um, and I don't need this noise anyway.
So, no more Chan. [snaps fingers]
Good.
- Can you tell him for me? Hmm?
- No. You want me to tell him?
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna tell him.
Dr. Chan, I want you to look at something,
please, on my computer.
I just want your scientific opinion.
Is this anything?
This species of bacteria
is exhibiting very unusual behavior.
I just want you, just...
for a moment, just watch it closely
and see if... if it shows any signs of...
- [screeching]
- Whoa! Jesus!
Shit!
Got you, bitches!
- [all laughing]
- Got you!
That's how it was done at MIT in the '70s.
Basic, yet effective.
Whoo! That was a nice one.
[Mallory] A morale booster,
free of charge.
You are welcome.
- [Chan] God.
- Let the games commence.
- [yells]
- [all laugh]
["A Taste of Honey" by Herb Alpert
and the Tijuana Brass playing]
[Brad screams]
Oh! Jeez, no!
[song continues]
Ooh.
[Mallory] To drop... snip.
- Making any progress on that PowerPoint?
- [whispers] Thanks, hon.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. We have
our best people working on it right now.
Wha... Gah!
What's going on there, Naird?
Is that a Mentos IED? [laughs]
- Mr. Secretary, I have to call you back.
- You are a mess, Naird. An absolute mess.
[stifled giggles]
Who's responsible for this?
Hmm?
Mark, I don't think
you understand the creative process.
Play is essential to the inventive mind.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
There's a big difference
between creativity and screw-arounds.
A screw-around is how people who work
at government agencies lose their jobs
and how government agencies
get folded into other government agencies.
I just thought it was funny.
[voice rising] Funny?
You know what I think is funny?
Someone who gets ice cream on their chin
and doesn't know about it.
Animals riding on other animals!
Goofy faces!
[yelling]
Somebody getting hit in the crotch!
A dog walking around in pants!
Or a dog trying to eat peanut butter!
That is humor!
Dad, it was just a silly prank.
[somberly] Yeah, on me.
And on the United States of America.
Yikes.
He sounds genuinely hurt.
Yeah, I think we took it too far.
Maybe we buckle down and power through
that murder Martian manual.
No more screw-arounds.
[bouncy military-style music playing]
Dr. Mallory. Uh, you can leave that here.
He doesn't want to be disturbed.
- Still miffed, is he?
- Mm-hmm.
PowerPoint complete.
Here you go, boss.
[sighs]
Hmm. Pretty good.
[quirky instrumentals playing]
Interning for Brad?
That's an heroic but reckless choice.
So what did your dad think
of the PowerPoint?
Are we all good now?
Oh, that. Uh, he didn't finish.
Yeah, he came out upset.
Said he was going to subbasement six.
Subbasement six? What's down there?
Wh... Uh...
- No idea.
- Is that where he goes to sulk?
Why would I know that?
It's my first day. I'm an intern.
But is he okay?
He seemed pretty upset about something.
I... I don't know.
He didn't wanna talk about it.
[mysterious music plays]
[elevator dings]
[beeps]
- How'd you get that?
- Uh, took it out of my dad's drawer.
[Mallory] SB6.
Huh. Who knew?
So, who is gonna lead the apology?
Hmm, I would think that's my job.
[elevator dings]
[Chan] What the fuck?
- [indistinct whispering]
- [air whooshing in suits]
[flatline tone on monitor]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Chan] What is that under the sheet?
[Mallory] No idea.
- Is that a webbed hand?
- [defibrillator powering up]
- [muffled male voice] Clear.
- [Chan] My God.
- Oh, it's moving.
- [rapid beeping]
- [shocks]
- [Erin gasps]
Oh.
- [low growling]
- [all gasp]
- Oh! Oh God!
- [Mallory] Mark, watch out!
- [growls]
- [all shouting]
[choking]
[shrieks] No! No, no!
- No!
- Mark! Mark, strike him!
[alien growling]
[alien and Mark laughing]
[continues laughing]
You motherfuckers.
We got you! We got you so good.
Well done. Bravo.
[laughing]
- Should've seen your faces!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were in on this too?
- Duh.
- [laughing]
- Did you buy that?
- We bought it.
I tried to start it subtly
and let the tension build.
- Ooh.
- [laughing]
[upbeat instrumentals play]
See, Angela is an adventurous woman
and a free spirit.
And, of course, she's a hero.
- And heroes have a lot on their plate.
- [music stops]
I know. I already like her.
Why are you showing me all this?
Yeah. Okay. You know how you asked me
to go talk to her about you guys?
- Yeah. And?
- Okay, I did.
We decided that maybe now
is not the best time for you guys to date.
What? I asked you to be my wingman.
This is how you help?
I am helping you. I care about you.
I don't wanna see you get hurt. Okay?
So here's my pitch.
It's over.
What?
Are you breaking up with me for her?
Yes, but it's not you. It's her.
- Is she seeing someone else?
- Of course not. Of course not.
She would never do that to you.
- Then what is it?
- She can't be in a relationship right now.
I don't have to be
in a relationship at all.
- I'm cool with whatever.
- Chan. Chan.
Go tell her that. I'm cool. I'm chill.
Chan, are you really cool with
you guys not being in a relationship?
And just hooking up
like you've been doing?
You okay? Do you wanna get some yogurt?
- Yeah.
- Come on. You're a big boy.
Come on. Let's get a big boy yogurt.
- Hey, you're gonna be all right.
- [Chan sobs]
- Credit where credit is due.
- [Mark snorts, sighs]
That was an excellent prank.
Utterly convincing, really.
I can be a fun guy.
Oh, and you were right.
Sometimes a team
just needs a little screw-around.
So thank you.
Thank you.
[clears throat]
[snorts]
[laughs]
- Who did this?
- Did what?
Oh, that is beautiful. Who did that?
- [PA clicks]
- Attention, everyone.
I'd like to let you know
that I just received...
[on PA] ...my divorce papers.
And I am devastated
because, apparently,
my wife is leaving me,
and our marriage is over.
- Mark...
- I'm about to be a single dad. Oh no!
[chortles]
What am I gonna do?
Ha!
[on PA] I'm going to die alone.
[laughs]
So, kudos to everyone out there
for your excellent work.
Let me see that.
Let me see those devils' handiwork.
Look at that.
Wow.
The attention to detail is...
[Mark sighs]
Well...
The Colorado seal is...
quite accurate.
Looks very real.
[moans]
Oh...
[sobs]
[on PA] Oh my God.
Oh my God, Adrian!
[sobbing] Oh God!
It's happening! It's happening!
[sobs]
Oh God, what am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
[theme music playing]