Space Force (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
[military-style march playing]
An anthem is a song
that should encapsulate
the spirit, dedication,
and honor of a group.
And I can think of no better instrument
that reflects these things
than the fife.
It was an instrument that was used
during the Revolutionary War
to rally the troops.
- Oh.
- This is my proposal
for the Space Force anthem.
[plays jaunty tune]
Nice.
- Very nice.
- I didn't see it coming.
Thank you. Thank you.
So you play the fife?
I do.
Well, the fife
is just such a shrill sound.
It's a horrible-sounding instrument.
When you play it alone like that,
it's very alarming to the ears.
It calls to mind Custer's Last Stand.
Me, I would put a cork in it.
Okay. Okay. All right. All right.
Got it. Thank you for your opinion.
Anybody else have an idea?
Well, let's pop that
on the board first. Right?
I... I wouldn't.
[Tony] Fife.
Great.
Well, my proposal
takes a more minimalistic flavor.
[droning whoosh plays over phone]
- [sound fades]
- Hmm. Mmm. Wha...?
That's... That's...
What is that? That's a sound.
That's not an anthem.
Yeah, but the sound mimics
the stellar vibrations of the sun.
- Just... Just thinking out of the box.
- Let's put her on the board. Huh?
You don't need to think outside the box.
The box is fine.
No need to tamper with the box.
Well, no, but now
even TV shows don't have themes.
They... They often employ
just a brief sound.
Box is okay.
Leave the box alone. How about that?
Brevity can be highly evocative.
We don't need... We don't...
Just... Let's put the box aside.
What if we do something that is both
outside the box and also forward-thinking?
Like what if we had Trixie Mattel
or Shangela singing on a track?
Let's just go with that.
Everybody hates the fife.
Let's go with Shnang... Shnangela.
Dad, these are two awesome
and very talented drag queens.
You would be so lucky.
Honey, you're an intern.
You don't have a say. I'm sorry.
[softly] Don't even put those on.
[Tony] You all have incredible ideas.
These are all great.
But throw 'em in the garbage
because I have the winner.
Ladies and gentlemen, in my hand,
I have indie rock darlings Wilco
who have made a demo for us
for the Space Force anthem.
Sir, you may wanna
put your fife down for this one.
- [acoustic guitar strumming]
- [snare drum playing]
[Jeff Tweedy singing] ♪ If you're looking
For a beautiful space ♪
♪ With a place for everything you love ♪
- ♪ Closets and pantries ♪
- Catchy.
♪ And cabinets and shelves ♪
- Closets?
- ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Space Force, Space Force ♪
- That's us.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [song stops]
- [Mark] Wha...?
Wait. Wait. Why are they singing
about cabinets and shelves?
Right. So, um, Wilco thought
that Space Force was a group of people
that come to your house
and offer storage solutions,
make everything
a little bit cleaner, and, um...
I did not correct them.
[Chan] Hmm...
- Okay.
- [Mark] All right.
I've got one more.
This is called "Seven Stars."
[Erin] No. No one...
[Wilco song resumes]
♪ Space Force, Space Force ♪
Brad, General Naird put me
in the back of the staff photo,
which has to be a mistake because
I set the whole thing up, so let's...
No, you're in the back.
I'm in the back too.
Back-row buddies. [chuckles]
Don't say that.
Is he in? Can I talk to him?
Uh, no. Uh, he's getting his car serviced.
And is, uh, definitely not, uh,
someplace else that's not that.
Right. He's getting his car serviced.
- All right.
- [Brad] Yeah.
Great. You give me a little ringy
when he comes in, okay?
Oh yeah. Will do.
- Okay.
- Call you first.
Okay. All right.
[relieved exhale]
Are you kidding me?
[laughs] Are you kidding me?
Guess who just texted.
- Who?
- General Naird.
Oh, he did?
You're off the hook, my man.
He told me exactly where he was.
Oh wow. I'm sorry, Tony.
You know, he asked me not to, you know.
He said the same thing to me.
"Don't tell anybody. Make sure..."
But now we both know he's at the...
Doctor's appointment.
He's at the doctor's appointment.
Yeah. That's what he just texted me.
Yeah, yeah. Ha!
Ha.
- Our little secret, right?
- You bet.
[woman] In divorce, the feelings of guilt,
shame, and loneliness are common.
It is important to start grieving first,
and then you can begin the healing.
And that's the goal
of our biweekly sessions.
Nope.
[quirky instrumental music plays]
[music ends]
Okay, but what you're saying is
he is not at a doctor's appointment?
No. Everybody knows
that "doctor's appointment" really means
you're out looking for another job.
And you know what that means?
[Angela] Mm-mm.
Naird is getting transferred. Yes.
Rumor is, new POTUS
is already looking for his replacement.
Shit. I can't handle this place
without the general.
But they wouldn't... they wouldn't
do that to him. Right? No.
- No.
- No, right?
No, they wouldn't do that to him.
If history has taught us anything,
it's that the U.S. government
treats everybody fairly and equitably.
I'm just remembering.
They almost left you on the moon to die.
- Yeah, I'm aware.
- You, a hero.
- They're like, "Let her die. Who cares?"
- I was there.
You gotta wake up.
There's a good chance
that Space Force is going extinct.
- So we gotta find new gigs. Now.
- What's this "we" business?
I'm so happy you brought it up.
This is what I'm thinking.
A book deal. Black on the Moon.
Twenty weeks minimum
on the best-seller list. You're welcome.
No, I told you, I am done with the moon.
No more moon shit.
I have a, uh... I have a secret too.
I'm going to a doctor's appointment
today as well.
- What are you talking about?
- Like, a fake...
- I got it. What are you talking about?
- It's a real estate seminar.
[exclaims excitedly]
Oh God, can't you just see me?
Drinking mango martinis
on a beach in Hawaii
after selling houses all day?
Oh! It'll be perfect.
Sounds fantastic. But what about me?
I was supposed to make money off of you.
You are such a parasite.
Well, every parasite needs
a wonderful, intelligent intestine
just to live off of for a little bit.
That's beautiful. Know what?
You should come with me to the seminar.
- I think you'd be great at selling houses.
- Really?
- It's all about territories, right?
- Like we're drug lords.
- No, not, like, bad though. Not criminal.
- [Tony] Okay.
Just, like, certain real estate agents
have different areas of a city.
- [Tony] Okay.
- Chan.
Hey.
Sorry, just wanted you to know.
I got a call from a colleague at SpaceX,
and they are seeking a chief scientist
for a new project,
and they're doing it very discreetly.
You thinking about checking it out?
I am. [chuckles softly]
I mean, at this point, what is my legacy?
It's not putting a man on Mars.
Right. Right.
I just wanted you to know that
I told them I would not even interview
unless they took us both
as a package deal.
Wow. Thank you.
It feels good to be wanted.
[chuckles softly]
It would be my honor
to be the Krillin to your Goku.
Krillin and Goku are two characters
from Dragon Ball Z. It's a Japanese anime.
They're kind of like
the Asian Batman and Robin.
Well, you keep me young, Dr. Chan.
Brad, what do we got?
Okay. You got
the Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting,
and then at 16:00 hours,
the photographer
from Time magazine is here
to take a picture
of the staff for their cover.
The cover of Time magazine! Space Force.
- This is big.
- Big.
I dare them to replace us
after we've been on the cover of Time.
- Brilliant idea, sir.
- Thanks.
Let's see them try and replace you
with General Dabney Schramm.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah. Wait, what?
They're considering replacing me
with Schramm? Where did you hear that?
Me? Oh, I didn't hear that.
You heard that.
No, you just... I just heard it from you.
- Me? I heard you say it.
- Yeah! No.
- No, I didn't. You just said it.
- Not me. Oh, I don't think so.
No, you're the...
Okay. All right. All right. Never mind.
See, that's why this photo is important.
We need to exude confidence.
In our faces, we need to say,
"I dare you to replace us."
- That's the look we're going for.
- Yeah. Like this.
Here's the look we're going for.
I got this out of the archives.
Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf.
That look'll burn right through you.
Makes you wanna surrender to him
and give him all your oil.
- Uncle.
- [groans] God.
- You all right, sir?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just tweaked my back
exercising this morning.
Oh wow.
Hey. Were you able to make an appointment
with that person I recommended?
Yeah. God!
- Are you okay?
- He... He pulled his back exercising.
Shall I have a look?
No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine.
- Can you raise your arm?
- Yes.
- Just... Let's see.
- I'm... [groans softly]
- In here?
- Ah! Oh God! Okay.
It's his back.
Just breathe. Breathe.
It's okay. Breathe normally.
- I am breathing.
- No. Let me see.
- No, you know what?
- [grunts]
I can't tell if the pain is located here
or if you just do not like being touched,
but it might be a kidney stone.
No, no, no. It's just the back.
Yeah, what did you have
for breakfast this morning?
The usual.
Yeah, uh, I'll need more details.
Uh, steak and eggs.
Sometimes I switch it up
with bacon and eggs.
Okay, well, people who have
a lot of meat in their diet
are susceptible to kidney stones.
Oh, and he eats
corned beef sandwiches for lunch.
Okay, narc.
He didn't ask what I had for lunch.
And he's not a doctor.
Well, I am a doctor.
Well, you're not a doctor doctor.
Yeah, you need a general doctor, General.
A doctor doctor just treats doctors.
Actually, I'm a doctor doctor doctor,
but if you'd rather
just have a second opinion
from a doctor doctor, that's fine.
I'd like to do that.
- Okay. Very well. I will leave.
- Thank you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Should I make an appointment
with your doctor doctor?
No. And cancel the counselor.
That's eight minutes I'm not getting back.
- All right.
- And you know what?
For lunch, order me a pastrami sandwich
with a big slice of bacon on top.
- That'll show him.
- [laughs]
Kidney stones, my... [groans]
- Oh boy. It's back.
- Yep.
- Can I help you?
- Mm-mm.
- You sure?
- Yeah, don't touch me.
[Chan] Hey, Erin.
Hey. I logged that info,
and I cleaned all the gunk
out of the keyboards with a Q-tip.
- Wow!
- Is there anything else you need?
Something important to convince my mom
I should take a gap year?
Can I launch someone somewhere?
No, but we'll do that tomorrow.
We're having this conference call.
We just need you to check all the clocks
to make sure they're all
telling the same time.
Sounds really boring.
- It is.
- But necessary.
Ish.
[static crackling]
Hi! Hi, I'm Commander Lancaster
of the Mars mission.
Uh, who... Who are you?
Uh...
I'm Erin.
The intern.
I don't care. That's...
[laughs] That's wonderful.
I just needed to hear a human voice.
Um...
Please talk to me, Erin.
I'm dying for some human conversation.
What do you wanna talk about?
Anything. Um...
[splutters] You. Let's talk about you.
Well, uh, my dad's mad at me.
Uh, why?
Because I did some day trading
with stocks online with my college fund.
And you lost it all?
No.
No, uh, I actually made $14,000.
Yeah. But my dad thinks it was too easy.
- Says it was stealing.
- Sounds like he's concerned about you.
I think he's just worried
I'll end up in prison like my mom.
My mom's in jail too. So I can relate.
What did she do?
She...
Sold fake Estée Lauder products.
[guffaws]
- You can go to jail for that? Wow. That's...
- What about your mom?
Uh...
It's a little worse than that.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I just wanna say it is a real honor
to finally meet you, Adrian.
Your reputation precedes you.
Well, mostly good, I hope.
Catherine, this is Dr. Chan,
a world-class engineer and my protégé.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Well, we've sent you over some VR goggles
so that you can virtually tour SpaceX.
Of course, you will have to sign
a virtual NDA though.
Just a legal formality.
Oh, yes. Yeah, of course.
- Now?
- Yes, go ahead, please.
[gentle music playing]
[clicking]
And this, I just fit it
over my head, obviously?
Yeah, so that goes in front of your eyes.
Sorry, Catherine. I haven't
done this before, so it's... Oh boy.
- That's it.
- Oh!
Whoa.
[Chan] Don't forget
to sign the virtual NDA.
In the air, like this?
- It makes me so dizzy.
- Oh my God. This is awesome.
- Oh boy.
- This place is huge.
Oh, I feel nauseous.
- Sorry, just take a second to adjust.
- Oh my God.
Not my generation.
But this... That follows me around where...
This is like a scientist Disneyland.
Look at this place.
[Mallory]
Yeah, and my stomach is in my th...
- There's, like, real people here.
- [vomiting]
Oh, this is amazing.
Jesus. Where did it even go?
- [Chan] Oh God.
- [Mallory] Where'd it go?
Is this virtual virtual reality?
- There's, like, a waterslide. No way!
- [vomiting]
[Chan] Oh, I'm in the cooling system
of a rocket turbine.
[Mallory] I'm not well.
[Chan exclaims happily]
- This is like a roller coaster!
- [Mallory] I have to get some air.
And she only got 20 years for that?
- That's a good lawyer.
- Yeah. [scoffs]
Uh, what... what are you drinking?
Oh, it's, uh, grape soda.
[inhales sharply]
Oh, I would kill for some soda.
Anything with some taste.
I am really tired
of drinking my own urine.
- Ugh.
- I mean, it doesn't taste like urine.
It tastes like a, um...
plastic bag that was used to store urine.
That's awful.
Hey, do they still have
those Cheese Nip snacks
in the vending machines there?
'Cause, um, I dream about those sometimes.
I can go check.
I was gonna get a snack anyway.
Oh, would you? That would be great!
That would be so great.
Just seeing real food
would really lift my spirits.
- You got it.
- Yeah. Oh, Erin, Erin, Erin. Wait.
Um, so if you're gonna go out,
could you maybe stop by the, uh,
cafeteria too? Um...
Hilda makes a great
chicken salad sandwich.
Okay.
Oh, and maybe a slice of pizza too.
You know what? I'm gonna write it down.
[military-style drumbeats play]
Hey, guys, meet the new Air Force.
This is his first Joint Chiefs meeting.
- Welcome aboard.
- [claps]
Don't be nervous.
I'm not. You should be
'cause you're on my shit list now.
- Naird's late.
- Probably weeping over his divorce.
That's why I'm never getting married.
- No, it's not.
- Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Hello, everyone.
Hey, Naird.
What's happening at Space Force?
Oh, right, nothing,
because they halved your budget.
Well, it's not the size of the budget.
It's the motion of the allocations.
That's what they all say.
I'd rather have a big budget.
Well, didn't keep us
from getting the cover of Time magazine.
- Jealous, Schramm?
- You wish.
[groans]
You okay, Naird?
You look a little paler than usual.
Yeah, yeah,
I just tweaked my back exercising.
Yeah, I fucked my back out during sex too.
What's your, uh, coitus protocol, Naird?
Let's talk pelvic action.
Circular, or more on the X-Y axis? Dish.
It... It wasn't intercourse-related.
I never move a muscle during sex.
The sexual motion
is supposed to be woman's work.
- So you're like a corpse in bed?
- It's in the Bible.
- Didn't see that in the Bible.
- Keep lookin'.
- Did you try taking ibuprofen?
- Didn't work.
Two words. Bengay.
Look, don't let someone crack your back.
A guy died doing that.
I saw it on 60 Minutes.
Or was it his neck?
Bengay.
It was his neck.
I hear hanging upside down
by your feet works,
but not longer than 20 minutes.
- A guy in Florida...
- Died?
No, he passed out and soiled himself.
- Then died.
- Ah, okay.
Bengay.
Do you have stock in Bengay?
It's a good time to buy in.
[Lancaster] Okay.
Let's...
open the cola.
Okay. And, oh, Erin, Erin, Erin,
slowly and closer to the microphone
so that I can hear it.
Okay.
[hisses, cracks]
Ooh. [laughs]
I missed that sound.
Oh. Okay.
Take a sip.
Little sip.
[slurps]
[Lancaster] Oh. Okay.
Let's kick it up a notch and, uh...
uh, take a bite of the pizza.
Okay, what notes are you catching?
- [muffled] Notes?
- Flavors.
Mm.
Little bit of cardboard.
- Mm-hmm.
- A hint of 1999 Toyota Camry.
[sighs]
And cigarette smoke.
[gasps]
[exhales]
Slice of heaven.
And that's what I'm talking about.
Because, let's be real,
you're all going into real estate
because you want to be somebody.
But I'm here to tell you
that you already are somebody.
Right? [chuckles]
You, sir. What is the most exciting thing
you've ever done in your entire life?
Uh...
I walked-ran a 5K marathon.
- [clapping]
- Good for you.
Pretty good.
And I'm here to tell you
that you can go even bigger.
- Just run the whole thing next time.
- Stop.
You, ma'am, what is
the most exciting thing you've done?
Yesterday I tried a papay-yay
for the first time.
- Very exotic. Right?
- [clapping]
Yeah, you two. Hi. What is
the most exciting thing you've done?
No, thank you.
I don't have a story I'd like to share,
but great job, everybody.
Oh, that's okay.
You must have done something.
Of course. Come on.
Yeah, uh, okay. Well, I'm an astronaut.
So, um, I went to the moon,
and I walked around
on the surface of the moon.
So, stuff like that.
Okay.
We're not clapping?
If you don't have a story,
you don't have to make one up.
Oh, I didn't make that up.
I know it sounds wild.
But I actually went to the moon.
She's not lying. She's been on the moon.
Not only that, she was
the first-ever Black woman on the moon.
I'm sorry if that's not as riveting
as eating a "pa-pay-yaysh."
I don't think everybody understands
what's going on here. If I may, okay.
This woman right here is a hero.
The most exciting thing everybody
will be talking about in this room
is that they were sitting close
to the woman that was on the moon.
Here we go.
- Yeah. Hero.
- [gentle music playing]
Thanks. That was sweet.
Sir, what have you done?
Me? Well, I was voted
hottest media consultant in 2018.
- Nice. All right.
- Thank you.
Seems not as much applause
but that's all right.
I can basically turn anybody in this room
into an influencer in under two weeks.
- I'll take one more round of applause.
- Okay.
No. And that's what you can do
for other people.
What... What have you done?
For you?
[soft instrumentals play]
[Jay] Yeah.
[man] I once jumped off my roof
into my neighbor's pool.
- [Jay] Good for you!
- [applause]
[Jay] And that's bigger than you think.
- [Chan] All three of them?
- [Tony] Of course.
Let's have you hold that.
Put those on. And great.
Great.
I'm not holding this.
- Oh. You're a scientist, aren't you?
- Yes, but I'm not a Muppet.
The other guy said he'd do it.
He is a Muppet.
Is Naird here? Where is he?
Oh my God.
I've lost the commanding officer.
Brad, calm down.
Where did you last see him?
Well, I was walking on his back,
he got mad, then he went to the restroom,
but he's not there.
[cell phone vibrating]
Mark? Is that you?
[Mark groaning on phone]
Mark, are you okay? Where are you?
[Mark] I'm...
[groaning] Ah... Eee... Ay... Eee.
It sounded like he said Hawaii.
He's in Hawaii. You earned it, sir.
Mark, just stay where you are.
We'll come and find you.
Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go.
[Mark grunting loudly]
Kidney stone?
How did I get a kidney stone?
Could be bad diet,
but most are stress-related.
Well, it's not stress.
I eat stress for breakfast.
Yeah, along with huge portions of meat.
He's also going through a divorce.
It has nothing to do with that.
Mark, if you weren't wound so tight,
there wouldn't be
a boulder in your ureter.
[sighs] Okay, Doc, so what's the story?
What do I do from here?
Well, normally, you would just drink
plenty of fluids and then pass the stone.
But, in your case,
the stone is unusually big.
We need to do a ureteroscopy,
which can be extremely painful.
Ooh. Okay.
I highly recommend a shot of morphine.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not doing morphine.
[Mallory] Take the morphine, Mark.
[Mark] No, morphine is for babies.
I'll take some of that "nirvana nectar."
I can't... I can't hear the leaves rustling.
Well, I'm trying, okay? I'm not the wind.
Oh God. I miss trees.
Can I please stop? My arms are tired.
Okay, yes. All right. Yes.
Thank... Thank you.
Thank you for indulging me.
Uh, I... I don't feel like, uh,
killing myself anymore.
And it's all thanks to you, Erin.
But you were thinking of doing that?
Not anymore.
But I'll tell you something.
You matter, Erin.
The Earth matters.
Find time to hug a tree,
dip a toe into a lake.
Will you promise?
Okay.
I guess I should get back to work.
Oh, Erin? Erin?
I'll tell you something.
[emotional music playing]
Uh...
Up here,
tears float.
Like little globes.
The same salinity as the sea.
I miss you, Earth.
I should go catch that tear
before it shorts out the life support,
and I asphyxiate.
Uh... Bye!
- [moans loudly]
- [doctor] Looking for the ureter.
- [grunts]
- There it is.
- [yells]
- Up we go.
Oh wow.
That's the general's urinary track?
Tract, yes, and please refrain
from touching the monitor
with your greasy fingers.
Ah! I wanna see it. [moans]
Brad, AirPlay the screen
from your phone to mine.
Okay.
[Brad] Did it work?
[grunts] Mm-mm.
No. It's not coming through.
Where are you sending this, Brad?
- [Mark on speaker] Oh! Come on, man!
- What is that?
It sounds like your father screaming.
Is that what I think it is?
That's a kidney stone
making its way through the urinary tract.
- [Angela and Erin] Oh...
- [Mark moaning loudly]
[groaning]
Come on, man. It's not there.
I'm seeing it fine.
- [Mark huffing loudly]
- I can't watch.
[laughs] I can't watch.
That's every guy's worst nightmare.
Mm! Hm! Ooh-hoo!
What's happening?
- Whoa. Oh my gosh.
- [Mark] Adrian, hold my hand!
[grunts]
- It's almost through!
- Okay, come on, Dad!
So close.
- It's coming out.
- [Mark screaming]
- [all] Ah! Oh!
- Whoo!
- Oh my God.
- Oh, I'm so relieved.
- Oh, fu...
- You all right?
- [Mark's voice breaks] Can I see it?
- Hello?
[on phone]
Dr. Chan. It's Catherine from SpaceX.
We'd love for you to join the team.
Really?
That's great!
Uh, did you call Dr. Mallory?
Uh, no, we're just offering the job
to you, not Dr. Mallory.
We felt your energy
is a better culture fit for our office.
Oh.
Okay. Um...
- Can I call you back?
- Yes.
[softly] Oh shit.
All right, let's go take that photo.
[stoic military-style music playing]
My back-row buddy.
[photographer] All right, everybody
looking sharp, straight down the lens.
Thinking about our favorite constellation.
On three. One, two, three.
[shutter clicks]
[fife playing jaunty tune]
[tune stops]
[theme music playing]
An anthem is a song
that should encapsulate
the spirit, dedication,
and honor of a group.
And I can think of no better instrument
that reflects these things
than the fife.
It was an instrument that was used
during the Revolutionary War
to rally the troops.
- Oh.
- This is my proposal
for the Space Force anthem.
[plays jaunty tune]
Nice.
- Very nice.
- I didn't see it coming.
Thank you. Thank you.
So you play the fife?
I do.
Well, the fife
is just such a shrill sound.
It's a horrible-sounding instrument.
When you play it alone like that,
it's very alarming to the ears.
It calls to mind Custer's Last Stand.
Me, I would put a cork in it.
Okay. Okay. All right. All right.
Got it. Thank you for your opinion.
Anybody else have an idea?
Well, let's pop that
on the board first. Right?
I... I wouldn't.
[Tony] Fife.
Great.
Well, my proposal
takes a more minimalistic flavor.
[droning whoosh plays over phone]
- [sound fades]
- Hmm. Mmm. Wha...?
That's... That's...
What is that? That's a sound.
That's not an anthem.
Yeah, but the sound mimics
the stellar vibrations of the sun.
- Just... Just thinking out of the box.
- Let's put her on the board. Huh?
You don't need to think outside the box.
The box is fine.
No need to tamper with the box.
Well, no, but now
even TV shows don't have themes.
They... They often employ
just a brief sound.
Box is okay.
Leave the box alone. How about that?
Brevity can be highly evocative.
We don't need... We don't...
Just... Let's put the box aside.
What if we do something that is both
outside the box and also forward-thinking?
Like what if we had Trixie Mattel
or Shangela singing on a track?
Let's just go with that.
Everybody hates the fife.
Let's go with Shnang... Shnangela.
Dad, these are two awesome
and very talented drag queens.
You would be so lucky.
Honey, you're an intern.
You don't have a say. I'm sorry.
[softly] Don't even put those on.
[Tony] You all have incredible ideas.
These are all great.
But throw 'em in the garbage
because I have the winner.
Ladies and gentlemen, in my hand,
I have indie rock darlings Wilco
who have made a demo for us
for the Space Force anthem.
Sir, you may wanna
put your fife down for this one.
- [acoustic guitar strumming]
- [snare drum playing]
[Jeff Tweedy singing] ♪ If you're looking
For a beautiful space ♪
♪ With a place for everything you love ♪
- ♪ Closets and pantries ♪
- Catchy.
♪ And cabinets and shelves ♪
- Closets?
- ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Space Force, Space Force ♪
- That's us.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- [song stops]
- [Mark] Wha...?
Wait. Wait. Why are they singing
about cabinets and shelves?
Right. So, um, Wilco thought
that Space Force was a group of people
that come to your house
and offer storage solutions,
make everything
a little bit cleaner, and, um...
I did not correct them.
[Chan] Hmm...
- Okay.
- [Mark] All right.
I've got one more.
This is called "Seven Stars."
[Erin] No. No one...
[Wilco song resumes]
♪ Space Force, Space Force ♪
Brad, General Naird put me
in the back of the staff photo,
which has to be a mistake because
I set the whole thing up, so let's...
No, you're in the back.
I'm in the back too.
Back-row buddies. [chuckles]
Don't say that.
Is he in? Can I talk to him?
Uh, no. Uh, he's getting his car serviced.
And is, uh, definitely not, uh,
someplace else that's not that.
Right. He's getting his car serviced.
- All right.
- [Brad] Yeah.
Great. You give me a little ringy
when he comes in, okay?
Oh yeah. Will do.
- Okay.
- Call you first.
Okay. All right.
[relieved exhale]
Are you kidding me?
[laughs] Are you kidding me?
Guess who just texted.
- Who?
- General Naird.
Oh, he did?
You're off the hook, my man.
He told me exactly where he was.
Oh wow. I'm sorry, Tony.
You know, he asked me not to, you know.
He said the same thing to me.
"Don't tell anybody. Make sure..."
But now we both know he's at the...
Doctor's appointment.
He's at the doctor's appointment.
Yeah. That's what he just texted me.
Yeah, yeah. Ha!
Ha.
- Our little secret, right?
- You bet.
[woman] In divorce, the feelings of guilt,
shame, and loneliness are common.
It is important to start grieving first,
and then you can begin the healing.
And that's the goal
of our biweekly sessions.
Nope.
[quirky instrumental music plays]
[music ends]
Okay, but what you're saying is
he is not at a doctor's appointment?
No. Everybody knows
that "doctor's appointment" really means
you're out looking for another job.
And you know what that means?
[Angela] Mm-mm.
Naird is getting transferred. Yes.
Rumor is, new POTUS
is already looking for his replacement.
Shit. I can't handle this place
without the general.
But they wouldn't... they wouldn't
do that to him. Right? No.
- No.
- No, right?
No, they wouldn't do that to him.
If history has taught us anything,
it's that the U.S. government
treats everybody fairly and equitably.
I'm just remembering.
They almost left you on the moon to die.
- Yeah, I'm aware.
- You, a hero.
- They're like, "Let her die. Who cares?"
- I was there.
You gotta wake up.
There's a good chance
that Space Force is going extinct.
- So we gotta find new gigs. Now.
- What's this "we" business?
I'm so happy you brought it up.
This is what I'm thinking.
A book deal. Black on the Moon.
Twenty weeks minimum
on the best-seller list. You're welcome.
No, I told you, I am done with the moon.
No more moon shit.
I have a, uh... I have a secret too.
I'm going to a doctor's appointment
today as well.
- What are you talking about?
- Like, a fake...
- I got it. What are you talking about?
- It's a real estate seminar.
[exclaims excitedly]
Oh God, can't you just see me?
Drinking mango martinis
on a beach in Hawaii
after selling houses all day?
Oh! It'll be perfect.
Sounds fantastic. But what about me?
I was supposed to make money off of you.
You are such a parasite.
Well, every parasite needs
a wonderful, intelligent intestine
just to live off of for a little bit.
That's beautiful. Know what?
You should come with me to the seminar.
- I think you'd be great at selling houses.
- Really?
- It's all about territories, right?
- Like we're drug lords.
- No, not, like, bad though. Not criminal.
- [Tony] Okay.
Just, like, certain real estate agents
have different areas of a city.
- [Tony] Okay.
- Chan.
Hey.
Sorry, just wanted you to know.
I got a call from a colleague at SpaceX,
and they are seeking a chief scientist
for a new project,
and they're doing it very discreetly.
You thinking about checking it out?
I am. [chuckles softly]
I mean, at this point, what is my legacy?
It's not putting a man on Mars.
Right. Right.
I just wanted you to know that
I told them I would not even interview
unless they took us both
as a package deal.
Wow. Thank you.
It feels good to be wanted.
[chuckles softly]
It would be my honor
to be the Krillin to your Goku.
Krillin and Goku are two characters
from Dragon Ball Z. It's a Japanese anime.
They're kind of like
the Asian Batman and Robin.
Well, you keep me young, Dr. Chan.
Brad, what do we got?
Okay. You got
the Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting,
and then at 16:00 hours,
the photographer
from Time magazine is here
to take a picture
of the staff for their cover.
The cover of Time magazine! Space Force.
- This is big.
- Big.
I dare them to replace us
after we've been on the cover of Time.
- Brilliant idea, sir.
- Thanks.
Let's see them try and replace you
with General Dabney Schramm.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah. Wait, what?
They're considering replacing me
with Schramm? Where did you hear that?
Me? Oh, I didn't hear that.
You heard that.
No, you just... I just heard it from you.
- Me? I heard you say it.
- Yeah! No.
- No, I didn't. You just said it.
- Not me. Oh, I don't think so.
No, you're the...
Okay. All right. All right. Never mind.
See, that's why this photo is important.
We need to exude confidence.
In our faces, we need to say,
"I dare you to replace us."
- That's the look we're going for.
- Yeah. Like this.
Here's the look we're going for.
I got this out of the archives.
Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf.
That look'll burn right through you.
Makes you wanna surrender to him
and give him all your oil.
- Uncle.
- [groans] God.
- You all right, sir?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just tweaked my back
exercising this morning.
Oh wow.
Hey. Were you able to make an appointment
with that person I recommended?
Yeah. God!
- Are you okay?
- He... He pulled his back exercising.
Shall I have a look?
No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine.
- Can you raise your arm?
- Yes.
- Just... Let's see.
- I'm... [groans softly]
- In here?
- Ah! Oh God! Okay.
It's his back.
Just breathe. Breathe.
It's okay. Breathe normally.
- I am breathing.
- No. Let me see.
- No, you know what?
- [grunts]
I can't tell if the pain is located here
or if you just do not like being touched,
but it might be a kidney stone.
No, no, no. It's just the back.
Yeah, what did you have
for breakfast this morning?
The usual.
Yeah, uh, I'll need more details.
Uh, steak and eggs.
Sometimes I switch it up
with bacon and eggs.
Okay, well, people who have
a lot of meat in their diet
are susceptible to kidney stones.
Oh, and he eats
corned beef sandwiches for lunch.
Okay, narc.
He didn't ask what I had for lunch.
And he's not a doctor.
Well, I am a doctor.
Well, you're not a doctor doctor.
Yeah, you need a general doctor, General.
A doctor doctor just treats doctors.
Actually, I'm a doctor doctor doctor,
but if you'd rather
just have a second opinion
from a doctor doctor, that's fine.
I'd like to do that.
- Okay. Very well. I will leave.
- Thank you.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Should I make an appointment
with your doctor doctor?
No. And cancel the counselor.
That's eight minutes I'm not getting back.
- All right.
- And you know what?
For lunch, order me a pastrami sandwich
with a big slice of bacon on top.
- That'll show him.
- [laughs]
Kidney stones, my... [groans]
- Oh boy. It's back.
- Yep.
- Can I help you?
- Mm-mm.
- You sure?
- Yeah, don't touch me.
[Chan] Hey, Erin.
Hey. I logged that info,
and I cleaned all the gunk
out of the keyboards with a Q-tip.
- Wow!
- Is there anything else you need?
Something important to convince my mom
I should take a gap year?
Can I launch someone somewhere?
No, but we'll do that tomorrow.
We're having this conference call.
We just need you to check all the clocks
to make sure they're all
telling the same time.
Sounds really boring.
- It is.
- But necessary.
Ish.
[static crackling]
Hi! Hi, I'm Commander Lancaster
of the Mars mission.
Uh, who... Who are you?
Uh...
I'm Erin.
The intern.
I don't care. That's...
[laughs] That's wonderful.
I just needed to hear a human voice.
Um...
Please talk to me, Erin.
I'm dying for some human conversation.
What do you wanna talk about?
Anything. Um...
[splutters] You. Let's talk about you.
Well, uh, my dad's mad at me.
Uh, why?
Because I did some day trading
with stocks online with my college fund.
And you lost it all?
No.
No, uh, I actually made $14,000.
Yeah. But my dad thinks it was too easy.
- Says it was stealing.
- Sounds like he's concerned about you.
I think he's just worried
I'll end up in prison like my mom.
My mom's in jail too. So I can relate.
What did she do?
She...
Sold fake Estée Lauder products.
[guffaws]
- You can go to jail for that? Wow. That's...
- What about your mom?
Uh...
It's a little worse than that.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I just wanna say it is a real honor
to finally meet you, Adrian.
Your reputation precedes you.
Well, mostly good, I hope.
Catherine, this is Dr. Chan,
a world-class engineer and my protégé.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Well, we've sent you over some VR goggles
so that you can virtually tour SpaceX.
Of course, you will have to sign
a virtual NDA though.
Just a legal formality.
Oh, yes. Yeah, of course.
- Now?
- Yes, go ahead, please.
[gentle music playing]
[clicking]
And this, I just fit it
over my head, obviously?
Yeah, so that goes in front of your eyes.
Sorry, Catherine. I haven't
done this before, so it's... Oh boy.
- That's it.
- Oh!
Whoa.
[Chan] Don't forget
to sign the virtual NDA.
In the air, like this?
- It makes me so dizzy.
- Oh my God. This is awesome.
- Oh boy.
- This place is huge.
Oh, I feel nauseous.
- Sorry, just take a second to adjust.
- Oh my God.
Not my generation.
But this... That follows me around where...
This is like a scientist Disneyland.
Look at this place.
[Mallory]
Yeah, and my stomach is in my th...
- There's, like, real people here.
- [vomiting]
Oh, this is amazing.
Jesus. Where did it even go?
- [Chan] Oh God.
- [Mallory] Where'd it go?
Is this virtual virtual reality?
- There's, like, a waterslide. No way!
- [vomiting]
[Chan] Oh, I'm in the cooling system
of a rocket turbine.
[Mallory] I'm not well.
[Chan exclaims happily]
- This is like a roller coaster!
- [Mallory] I have to get some air.
And she only got 20 years for that?
- That's a good lawyer.
- Yeah. [scoffs]
Uh, what... what are you drinking?
Oh, it's, uh, grape soda.
[inhales sharply]
Oh, I would kill for some soda.
Anything with some taste.
I am really tired
of drinking my own urine.
- Ugh.
- I mean, it doesn't taste like urine.
It tastes like a, um...
plastic bag that was used to store urine.
That's awful.
Hey, do they still have
those Cheese Nip snacks
in the vending machines there?
'Cause, um, I dream about those sometimes.
I can go check.
I was gonna get a snack anyway.
Oh, would you? That would be great!
That would be so great.
Just seeing real food
would really lift my spirits.
- You got it.
- Yeah. Oh, Erin, Erin, Erin. Wait.
Um, so if you're gonna go out,
could you maybe stop by the, uh,
cafeteria too? Um...
Hilda makes a great
chicken salad sandwich.
Okay.
Oh, and maybe a slice of pizza too.
You know what? I'm gonna write it down.
[military-style drumbeats play]
Hey, guys, meet the new Air Force.
This is his first Joint Chiefs meeting.
- Welcome aboard.
- [claps]
Don't be nervous.
I'm not. You should be
'cause you're on my shit list now.
- Naird's late.
- Probably weeping over his divorce.
That's why I'm never getting married.
- No, it's not.
- Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Hello, everyone.
Hey, Naird.
What's happening at Space Force?
Oh, right, nothing,
because they halved your budget.
Well, it's not the size of the budget.
It's the motion of the allocations.
That's what they all say.
I'd rather have a big budget.
Well, didn't keep us
from getting the cover of Time magazine.
- Jealous, Schramm?
- You wish.
[groans]
You okay, Naird?
You look a little paler than usual.
Yeah, yeah,
I just tweaked my back exercising.
Yeah, I fucked my back out during sex too.
What's your, uh, coitus protocol, Naird?
Let's talk pelvic action.
Circular, or more on the X-Y axis? Dish.
It... It wasn't intercourse-related.
I never move a muscle during sex.
The sexual motion
is supposed to be woman's work.
- So you're like a corpse in bed?
- It's in the Bible.
- Didn't see that in the Bible.
- Keep lookin'.
- Did you try taking ibuprofen?
- Didn't work.
Two words. Bengay.
Look, don't let someone crack your back.
A guy died doing that.
I saw it on 60 Minutes.
Or was it his neck?
Bengay.
It was his neck.
I hear hanging upside down
by your feet works,
but not longer than 20 minutes.
- A guy in Florida...
- Died?
No, he passed out and soiled himself.
- Then died.
- Ah, okay.
Bengay.
Do you have stock in Bengay?
It's a good time to buy in.
[Lancaster] Okay.
Let's...
open the cola.
Okay. And, oh, Erin, Erin, Erin,
slowly and closer to the microphone
so that I can hear it.
Okay.
[hisses, cracks]
Ooh. [laughs]
I missed that sound.
Oh. Okay.
Take a sip.
Little sip.
[slurps]
[Lancaster] Oh. Okay.
Let's kick it up a notch and, uh...
uh, take a bite of the pizza.
Okay, what notes are you catching?
- [muffled] Notes?
- Flavors.
Mm.
Little bit of cardboard.
- Mm-hmm.
- A hint of 1999 Toyota Camry.
[sighs]
And cigarette smoke.
[gasps]
[exhales]
Slice of heaven.
And that's what I'm talking about.
Because, let's be real,
you're all going into real estate
because you want to be somebody.
But I'm here to tell you
that you already are somebody.
Right? [chuckles]
You, sir. What is the most exciting thing
you've ever done in your entire life?
Uh...
I walked-ran a 5K marathon.
- [clapping]
- Good for you.
Pretty good.
And I'm here to tell you
that you can go even bigger.
- Just run the whole thing next time.
- Stop.
You, ma'am, what is
the most exciting thing you've done?
Yesterday I tried a papay-yay
for the first time.
- Very exotic. Right?
- [clapping]
Yeah, you two. Hi. What is
the most exciting thing you've done?
No, thank you.
I don't have a story I'd like to share,
but great job, everybody.
Oh, that's okay.
You must have done something.
Of course. Come on.
Yeah, uh, okay. Well, I'm an astronaut.
So, um, I went to the moon,
and I walked around
on the surface of the moon.
So, stuff like that.
Okay.
We're not clapping?
If you don't have a story,
you don't have to make one up.
Oh, I didn't make that up.
I know it sounds wild.
But I actually went to the moon.
She's not lying. She's been on the moon.
Not only that, she was
the first-ever Black woman on the moon.
I'm sorry if that's not as riveting
as eating a "pa-pay-yaysh."
I don't think everybody understands
what's going on here. If I may, okay.
This woman right here is a hero.
The most exciting thing everybody
will be talking about in this room
is that they were sitting close
to the woman that was on the moon.
Here we go.
- Yeah. Hero.
- [gentle music playing]
Thanks. That was sweet.
Sir, what have you done?
Me? Well, I was voted
hottest media consultant in 2018.
- Nice. All right.
- Thank you.
Seems not as much applause
but that's all right.
I can basically turn anybody in this room
into an influencer in under two weeks.
- I'll take one more round of applause.
- Okay.
No. And that's what you can do
for other people.
What... What have you done?
For you?
[soft instrumentals play]
[Jay] Yeah.
[man] I once jumped off my roof
into my neighbor's pool.
- [Jay] Good for you!
- [applause]
[Jay] And that's bigger than you think.
- [Chan] All three of them?
- [Tony] Of course.
Let's have you hold that.
Put those on. And great.
Great.
I'm not holding this.
- Oh. You're a scientist, aren't you?
- Yes, but I'm not a Muppet.
The other guy said he'd do it.
He is a Muppet.
Is Naird here? Where is he?
Oh my God.
I've lost the commanding officer.
Brad, calm down.
Where did you last see him?
Well, I was walking on his back,
he got mad, then he went to the restroom,
but he's not there.
[cell phone vibrating]
Mark? Is that you?
[Mark groaning on phone]
Mark, are you okay? Where are you?
[Mark] I'm...
[groaning] Ah... Eee... Ay... Eee.
It sounded like he said Hawaii.
He's in Hawaii. You earned it, sir.
Mark, just stay where you are.
We'll come and find you.
Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go.
[Mark grunting loudly]
Kidney stone?
How did I get a kidney stone?
Could be bad diet,
but most are stress-related.
Well, it's not stress.
I eat stress for breakfast.
Yeah, along with huge portions of meat.
He's also going through a divorce.
It has nothing to do with that.
Mark, if you weren't wound so tight,
there wouldn't be
a boulder in your ureter.
[sighs] Okay, Doc, so what's the story?
What do I do from here?
Well, normally, you would just drink
plenty of fluids and then pass the stone.
But, in your case,
the stone is unusually big.
We need to do a ureteroscopy,
which can be extremely painful.
Ooh. Okay.
I highly recommend a shot of morphine.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not doing morphine.
[Mallory] Take the morphine, Mark.
[Mark] No, morphine is for babies.
I'll take some of that "nirvana nectar."
I can't... I can't hear the leaves rustling.
Well, I'm trying, okay? I'm not the wind.
Oh God. I miss trees.
Can I please stop? My arms are tired.
Okay, yes. All right. Yes.
Thank... Thank you.
Thank you for indulging me.
Uh, I... I don't feel like, uh,
killing myself anymore.
And it's all thanks to you, Erin.
But you were thinking of doing that?
Not anymore.
But I'll tell you something.
You matter, Erin.
The Earth matters.
Find time to hug a tree,
dip a toe into a lake.
Will you promise?
Okay.
I guess I should get back to work.
Oh, Erin? Erin?
I'll tell you something.
[emotional music playing]
Uh...
Up here,
tears float.
Like little globes.
The same salinity as the sea.
I miss you, Earth.
I should go catch that tear
before it shorts out the life support,
and I asphyxiate.
Uh... Bye!
- [moans loudly]
- [doctor] Looking for the ureter.
- [grunts]
- There it is.
- [yells]
- Up we go.
Oh wow.
That's the general's urinary track?
Tract, yes, and please refrain
from touching the monitor
with your greasy fingers.
Ah! I wanna see it. [moans]
Brad, AirPlay the screen
from your phone to mine.
Okay.
[Brad] Did it work?
[grunts] Mm-mm.
No. It's not coming through.
Where are you sending this, Brad?
- [Mark on speaker] Oh! Come on, man!
- What is that?
It sounds like your father screaming.
Is that what I think it is?
That's a kidney stone
making its way through the urinary tract.
- [Angela and Erin] Oh...
- [Mark moaning loudly]
[groaning]
Come on, man. It's not there.
I'm seeing it fine.
- [Mark huffing loudly]
- I can't watch.
[laughs] I can't watch.
That's every guy's worst nightmare.
Mm! Hm! Ooh-hoo!
What's happening?
- Whoa. Oh my gosh.
- [Mark] Adrian, hold my hand!
[grunts]
- It's almost through!
- Okay, come on, Dad!
So close.
- It's coming out.
- [Mark screaming]
- [all] Ah! Oh!
- Whoo!
- Oh my God.
- Oh, I'm so relieved.
- Oh, fu...
- You all right?
- [Mark's voice breaks] Can I see it?
- Hello?
[on phone]
Dr. Chan. It's Catherine from SpaceX.
We'd love for you to join the team.
Really?
That's great!
Uh, did you call Dr. Mallory?
Uh, no, we're just offering the job
to you, not Dr. Mallory.
We felt your energy
is a better culture fit for our office.
Oh.
Okay. Um...
- Can I call you back?
- Yes.
[softly] Oh shit.
All right, let's go take that photo.
[stoic military-style music playing]
My back-row buddy.
[photographer] All right, everybody
looking sharp, straight down the lens.
Thinking about our favorite constellation.
On three. One, two, three.
[shutter clicks]
[fife playing jaunty tune]
[tune stops]
[theme music playing]