South Park (1997–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Cartman Joins NAMBLA - full transcript

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comedy central

The imagery of
cobblestone streets,

Craggy london buildings

And nutmeg-Filled
yorkshire puddings.

Hello,
i'm a british person.

For years now
the character "pip"

Has been
featured prominently

In the american show
"south park".

However, many americans don't
realize where pip came from.

He's the prowling,
adorable little englishman

From charles dickens'
timeless classic



"Great expectations".

And so tonight,
the makers of south park

Have agreed to take a break
from their regular show

And instead present the prestigious
dickens tale in its entirety

From beginning
to end.

Indeed, after
watching this show

You'll know
the timeless classic

As if you'd read
thecliff notesthemselves.

Our story is set
in england,

In the small town of
draffordshire-Upon-Topsmart

Where a young blond-Haired boy
named pip

Was on his way
to see his parents.

Hello, mum.
Hello, dad.

It certainly is nice
to see you again.



Don't worry, sister is still
taking very good care of me.

She just loves to smack me in the
face and tell me i'm worthless.

Oh, we have
such fun together!

Well, it's getting dark,
mum and dad.

I'll see you again soon.

Wha!

What you doing here,
you little wiversham?

Oh, hello, why, you look
like an escaped convict.

Did we breakie-Wakies
out of prison?

Oh, dear,
but you're shackled.

Here, let me help you.

What are you
doing with those?

I'm an apprentice blacksmith,
there you are.

And here's a sandwich,
you must be starving.

Yeah, why are you
so easy to help me?

Well, it's not for me
to judge you, sir.

We are all the same.

Don't quite all smell the same,
though, i'm afraid.

Pip, where
have you been?!

Wha!

Lovely day, isn't it?

What the hell's
lovely about it?!

Joe, teach this boy
some bloody cynicism!

Oh, i don't know
about that.

I just like to keep
to me blacksmithing.

Hey, look, i made me
a metal fire poker.

A lot of bloody good
a fire poker's gonna do

While i'm starving
to death!

Why don't you make us some
bloody food to eat!

All right, look here,
i made me a metal orange.

Stuff your metal orange,
you bastard!

You're not worth a tablespoon
of nightingale droppings,

You metal-Pounding fairy!

And you, why don't you
get a job?!

You're eight years old now!

Oh, lookie here, i've gone
and made a metal newspaper.

Shut up, you silly nit!

What the hell are we supposed
to do with a metal newspaper?!

Well, for starters,
we can look in the want ads

And see if we can
find pip a job.

Oh, look here!

"Young man wanted
for paid position."

Where?
Where?

"Havesham residence seeks young
boy to play with lonely daughter.

Will pay up to...
20 quid a day"!

That's a lot of
money-Woney.

You can keep a little girl
company for 20 quid a day, pip.

And old mrs. Havesham is the
wealthiest woman in the town!

Well, the very next day,

Pip went to old miss havesham's
house to inquire about the job.

And it was there that he met
the girl of his dreams.

Who are you?

I've come to
answer the want ad.

Is that so, you smelly
little bastard?

What?!

This way, you pathetic
squirt of vaginal discharge.

This way, you beef-Witted
shriveled-Up monkey's penis.

Up here, you gamey mass
of baby vomit.

In here.
Oh, after you, miss.

I'm not going in there, you stupid
puddle of a homeless man's urine.

Who is that?

I've come to answer
the want ad, ma'am.

Come closer, look at me.

Does it frighten you
to look upon a woman

Who has not seen the sun
in over 20 years?

Oh, no, no!

You sort of look upon women
who have not seen the sun

For over 20 years
quite a lot these days.

I sometimes
have sick fancies.

And i have a fancy i shall
like to see someone play,

So play.

Play.

Umm.

Estella,
play with this boy.

Withhim?

But he's
just a commoner!

But, you can
break his heart.

All right, boy,
let us play.

Rightie-O, what are
we going to play?

We are going to play
a little game called

"Smack the blond boy in
the head with a large log."

Oh, yes, my sister and i play
that game at home all the time!

Who will go first?

Oh, you stupid
pathetic boy!

What do you
think of her?

Well, i... i think
she's very pretty.

Hmm, what else?

I think she's
rather insulting.

You quite fancy her,
don't you?

Come back again next week,
we shall play some more.

That night, pip spent
all his sleeping hours

Unable to get estella's
beautiful face out of his mind.

Stop dreaming about me,
you slow-Witted rectal belch.

Day after day,
pip visited estella.

Sometimes, they would play.

Sometimes,
they would talk.

But every single day,
pip's love for estella grew.

Don't you want to
play anymore?

Boy, do you still
think i'm pretty?

Oh, well, yes, miss.

And do you still think
i'm insulting?

Oh, um,
not so much as before.

Ow!

I hate you!

You're an oozing, painful
hemorrhoid that belches pus.

Oh dear.

You may kiss me
if you like.

Come, let us walk
in the daisy garden.

Oh, what fun it is to
splash about in a fountain!

You there,
the prowling little boy,

I bet you can't
jump on my back.

Go on then,
try and jump on my back.

Who is that?

Just another playmate,
hired to amuse me.

You didn't think you were
the only one, did you?

Oh, i, rather
thought i was.

Oh, you silly
small-Testicled boy.

Come, let us walk through
the rose garden.

Yes, good,

She will break his pathetic
heart into a million pieces.

Well, what a spot
poor pip was in!

He was hired
to be the friend

Of the very harsh
and beautiful estella.

And although she
treated him like dirt,

Or perhapsbecause
she treated him like dirt,

Pip found himself more in love with
the little girl each and every day.

Oh, bless him,
isn't he lovely?

But, isn't it sad?

Because pip knew that someone as
sophisticated and as wealthy as estella

Could never
love him,

For he was just a simple
blacksmith's apprentice.

And so you
bang on this side.

A bang on that side.

And there you have it,
your very own metal fuzzy dice.

Yes, i see.

Ha ha, lovely.

Ehh, what's
all this, pip?

Joe, do you know
anything about girls?

Sure.

They're those things
with vaginas in 'em.

But, do you know
anything about them,

About how they work?

Oh, i don't know
about that.

I just like to keep to
me blacksmithing.

Do you think that a girl
who's rich and educated

Would ever want to be
with a blacksmith?

Oh... no,
i don't think so, pip.

Who could that be?

Joe the blacksmith?
The same.

I'm a lawyer from london in
search of a young lad named pip.

I'm pip, sir.

Mr. Blacksmith,
i've been sent here

To offer you a
reasonable sum of money

In exchange for
your apprentice.

Oh, well, pip's not
for sale, sir.

I have a client who wishes to
give this bright child a future.

Anything he desires,
do you still object?

Heaven forbid i should stand
in the way of pip's future, but-

He will one day inherit
a handsome property.

But the owner of that
property wants him first

To travel to london and
learn to be a gentleman.

That's great news!

There's only one
condition, pip.

Your benefactor wishes
to remain anonymous.

Oh, but it must be
miss havesham.

Uh, uh! If you have any suspicion
of who that person might be,

You're to keep it in your
own breast, understood?

Yes, sir.

Then you will go to london
in a week's time.

Here's 20 sovereigns.

Well, blacksmith,
you look stunned.

I am, sir.

Then i shall
take my leave.

Good evening,
gentlemen,

And we shall see you
in london next week, pip.

Good-Bye, sir.

Pip, a young gentleman...
of great expectations!

You shall stay here with
your roommate, mr. Pocket.

He is a distinguished
young lad

Who will help you on your way
to being a gentleman.

I trust you see
no problem with this?

None, sir.

I should think not.

On up then, and prepare
for school on the morrow.

Yes, sir,
thank you, sir.

Mr. Pip.

Mr. Pocket?

Pray, come in.

Thank you kindly.

You look rather
familiar.

As do you, perhaps we've
seen each other before.

As to our lodging, it's not
by any means splendid.

This is our sitting room, just chairs
and tables and carpets and so forth.

This is my little bedroom,
rather musty.

And this is your bedroom.
My, how lovely.

Oh, what a gay time
we shall have!

And i do mean gay as in festive,
not as in penetration of the bum.

Oh, but dear me,
i beg your pardon!

You're holding your
bags all this time.

Pray, let me take them,
i'm quite ashamed.

Oh, it's quite all right.
Lord bless me!

Why, you're the pale young gentleman
i saw in miss havesham's house.

Why yes, of course, you're
the prowling little boy!

Oh, what a
smashing coincidence.

Perhaps, but perhaps not.

Miss havesham
is very generous indeed.

That old biddy, i assure you, i
have nothing to do with her anymore,

She's absolutely mad.
What do you mean?

Don't you know about miss
havesham's melancholy past?

Dear me, it's quite a story, and
shall be discussed over dinner, come.

Right, time for a smashing meal
and the story of miss havesham.

Pocket, may i ask you
a favor?

I am desperately trying
to become a gentleman

For the love
of a certain girl.

So will you please tell me if i
do something wrong at the table?

You'll do fine, dear fellow, just
fine. Now, on to miss havesham.

She was raised by a wealthy father and
grew up to be somewhat of a spoiled brat.

And now,
i might mention, pip,

That in london it is not the custom
to put the knife in the mouth.

Oh dear, i'm terribly
sorry. Not at all, i'm sure.

Anyway, miss havesham grew up to be a
lovely young lady and soon a man came along.

Which gets me to the
cruel part of the story.

Merely breaking off,
my dear pip, to remark

That a dinner napkin should
never be placed into the tumbler.

Sorry, sorry.
Not at all, i'm sure.

So this man pursued miss havesham closely
and professed to be devoted to her.

She passionately
loved him back.

The marriage day was fixed,
the wedding dresses bought,

The wedding guests
all invited.

And finally the the day came,
but not the groom.

And i break from the tale now
only to mention

That one should never
pass gas at the dinner table.

Oh, excuse me.
Not at all, i'm sure!

So the groom never showed,
he simply wrote a letter,

A letter that miss havesham received
20 minutes before the wedding.

At half nine,

The time when she stopped
all the clocks in the house.

But afterwards she laid waste to the
entire house, as you have seen it,

And has never since
looked upon the light of day.

And the story ends, pip,
with me suggesting

That one should never
pull out their wee-Wee

And check it for scabs
whilst at the table.

Terribly sorry,
pocket.

Not at all, i'm sure!

And so, pip spent the next
several months

Learning how to be
a gentleman.

He was schooled
in several languages.

He was taught fencing
and marksmanship.

And he was shown how to dance
and how to eat box.

And after it all, after weeks
and weeks of intense schooling,

Pip was finally
a full-Fledged gentleman.

Proud of himself, pip decided
to pay miss havesham a visit

To thank her
for her generosity

And to see if he was indeed now,
good enough for estella.

Good evening,
miss havesham.

Come closer, pip.

My, you're quite the
gentleman now, aren't you?

Thanks to you.

Perhaps.

Estella's been off
to school as well.

She's become
quite the lady.

Would you like to see
a picture of her?

Oh my, she is even
prettier than before.

Oh, you love her,
don't you, pip?

I don't know, i mean,

I think about her
every day.

Do you know what
love is, pip?

It is blind devotion,

Unquestioning self humiliation,
utter submission.

Trust and belief against yourself
and against the whole world,

Giving up your whole
heart and soul to smiter.

Right-O.

Love her, pip.

I developed her into what she
is so that she might... be loved.

Yes, but,
where will i find her?

There's a dance at the
palace tomorrow night,

Estella will be there.

Go and seek her out,
and love her, love her.

Thank you, miss havesham,
for everything.

I'm the happiest boy
in the land!

And if she wounds you,
love her,

If she tears your heart
into pieces,

And as you get older
it will tear deeper...

Love her.

Yes, our young pip
had come a long way.

From the apprentice
of a blacksmith

To a fine young gentleman
of great expectations.

And now he was to finally see his
beloved estella, again, at a grand ball

Held by the king
of england, tony blair.

It was here that pip would
finally and formally ask estella

To be his girlfriend,

And all would be
right with the world.

Hello, estella.

Pip, my goodness,
how you've changed.

Yes, i've become
a gentleman.

May i?

I suppose.

So how is it that you've
learned to dress and dance?

Well, i was sent to be
schooled in london.

I see, and you no longer live
with the blacksmith?

Oh, i see joe
once in a while,

But i don't have much
in common with him anymore,

Now that i'm
a gentleman and all.

Naturally.

It is wonderful to
see you again, estella.

Is it, why?

Because i believe
i am in love with you.

Pip, you must know
that i have no heart.

I think you do.

Oh, i have a heart to be
shot or stabbed in, no doubt.

And if it ceased to beat,
i should ceased to be, but,

You know what i mean,
i have no softness there,

No sympathy, sentiment.

I see past that, estella,

I see a little girl who
wants to be warm and kind.

Hey, estella,
let's get outta here.

All right, steve,
just one moment.

Who, who is that?

That is steve,
he is 17 and has a car.

I see, and you fancy
this steve fellow?

I should,
he's my boyfriend.

Boyfriend!

What's the matter,
pip?

I don't understand,
i did everything right.

I stopped being
a poor commoner.

I even blew off
my loving joe!

It's, it's the way it goes
sometimes, pip.

He's 17 and has a car.

I'm-I'm very...
i'm- Leaving.

Miss havesham, you have to
talk to estella,

She's going out with-

Well, well, well,
if it isn't mr. Pip.

Miss havesham,
but i-

Don't they make a
handsome couple, pip?

Look at the way
he holds her hand.

But i don't
understand.

You sent me away to become a gentleman
so thaticould be with estella.

Things aren't always
what they seem, pip.

Oh, what's the matter,
did she break your heart?

Well, i suppose that if you
set out to break my heart,

You did a very good
job of it...

Because it certainly
does hurt.

Yes, tell me about the pain.

Tell me about the crushing
and the prickly things.

It's as if... someone has
a hold of my heart

And is squeezing it
very tightly.

Yes, and it is somewhat
difficult to breathe.

Hey, wait a second!

You mean that this whole thing
was just a setup by your mom?

Is your heart broken as well?
Tell me all about it.

But, why do you make
your daughter hurt people?

Why?
Well, that's simple.

Because i need the tears
of brokenhearted men

To use in my
"genesis" device.

You see, my foolish child,
i am growing very old.

But tonight i will fuse my soul
into estella's once and for all,

And then i can go on breaking
men's hearts for another generation.

What the hell!

Estella, prepare yourself
for the genesis platform.

Oh, no you don't,
you're my girl,

And i'm not letting you
walk out on me!

What the!

And as for you, pip,

My robot monkeys should
take care of you.

Ahh!

Pip, pip old chap?

Joe?

That's right,
you're safe and warm now.

Joe found you lying face down
in the street, mr. Pip.

You were in such a state, you've been
unconscious here for nearly three hours.

Miss havesham!

She has all the men who have had their
hearts broken by estella trapped in her house.

Oh, why would she have
wasted all that time

Sending me to school and
turning me into a gentleman?

Well, about that, pip,

There's another person
who wants to see you.

'Ello, pip,
do you remember me?

I'll rip off your arms
and shove 'em up your arse!

Why, you're the escaped convict
i helped a long time ago.

Yes, after you helped me
i moved to wales

And made something
of myself.

If it weren't for you

I'd have never
become a millionaire.

He's the one that sent
you to london, pip!

He's the one that sent you off
to be a gentleman!

You? But why?

Because back then you treated
me like any other person.

You weren't a snob and you helped
me like you would a rich man.

Oh dear, all this time i thought
it was miss havesham.

She totally
let me believe it.

I tried to tell you, pip,
she's a vengeful, spiteful woman

Who wanted nothing more
than to see you hurt

Along with the rest
of the male sex.

Well, i've certainly
learned a lot.

That being a gentleman doesn't
mean learning to dance

Or proper table manners.

It means being
a gentle man,

Gentle to everyone.

Right-O, pip, right-O.

And now i suppose there's
only thing left to do.

What's that, pip?

If miss havesham is determined
to do this to others...

Let's go kick her ass!

Yeah!

And now we come to the final act
of the dickens' classic tale

In which the stage is set
for an epic showdown.

Miss havesham's robot monkeys
prove a formidable foe, but,

Pip is not about to let
estella's soul

Be forever consumed
by the genesis device.

And now the thrilling conclusion
of "great expectations"!

Are you ready, estella?

Are you ready
to complete the cycle?

Yes, mother.

Not so fast,
you ugly ancient bitch!

Pip?

Your man-Hating days
are over, havesham!

Quite the contrary,
blacksmith,

My revenge on the male race
is only about to begin.

Dear god, pip, look!

Estella, help me,
i'm your boyfriend!

So am i.
And me.

We were all estella's boyfriends
at one time or another.

Now, we're doomed.

Yes, cry away, males.

Once your tears have collected
into the genesis device,

The fusion of estella and me
will be complete.

You won't get away
with this!

Won't i?

Let the
transformation begin.

Pip, she started
the device!

Pocket, get over there
and do whatever it takes

To keep those blokes
from crying.

Right-O, pip.

It begins.

Come, estella, you can't want
to be part of this!

It is...
what i was raised for.

Hello, gentleman, oh whatever
you do, please do not cry.

Havesham's device fuels itself
on your tears, i'm afraid.

How are we
not to cry?

Our hearts have been broken,
our lives ruined

And now we are set to die.

Yes, but just think about...
panda bears.

Oh, they're so cuddly and sweet,
panda bears are.

What silly little
noses they have.

Panda bears make me sad,
they're almost extinct.

Oh, right, right, let's not
think about panda bears then.

Let's think about...
swimming.

Oh, what jolly fun
swimming is

With a splishy splash and
a hold-Your-Breath-Tight.

Yes.

Get out of that chair,
you old cow!

Grrlalaa!

Estella, listen to me,

You are a wonderful girl,
with a kind heart.

I told you, pip,
i have no heart.

But you do!

And i shall prove it
to you once and for all.

Look at this
adorable little bunny.

Oh my, he's very cute.

You see that?

A heartless person wouldn't
care at all about this bunny,

They'd just as soon
break its neck.

Oh... but look at
this bunny.

There, you see that?

You have too big a heart
to kill two baby bunnies.

Right.

Oh, what fun it is
to collect stamps!

Lick the backs,
put them into books,

All neat and tidy with their
smashing little pictures

And happy bright colors.

My father died in a stamp
collecting accident.

Right, let's not talk about
stamp collecting then.

Let's talk about...

Ice skating!

Oh, what fun
ice skating is!

Who can catch me, who can
catch the ice skating king?

That's me.

I can't fight 'em off
no more!

Nine, nine baby bunnies.

A person with a heart could
never kill nine baby bunnies.

So, you do have too big
a heart to-

10 baby bunnies.

There's too many
of 'em!

Please, sirs,
you must not cry.

We can't help it,
you're boring us to tears.

Pip, it's too late!

26 baby bunnies.

I don't want to, i don't
see the point in this. What?

I don't want to
kill any more of them.

There, you see,
you do have a heart!

You think so?

Let me see it,
maybe i can kill it.

No, no, i'm sure of it.

You have a heart,
you want your own life.

Come with me now!

Yeah...

Nooo!

Ahhh!

Ooh, top smart, pip!

You did it, pip!

Well, i guess old miss havesham
won't be taking any revenge

On any more blokes, eh?

Yes, her poor miserable life
is finally over.

You're released
from her now, estella.

Now we can begin
our life together.

Yes, yes,
my small-Testicled love.

Oh, i'm so glad everything
has worked out.

Where are all my little bunnies
that you borrowed then, pip?

And they all lived
happily ever after.

Except for pocket
who died of hepatitis b.

So ends charles dickens'
"great expectations".

We hope you now have a deeper
appreciation for pip,

And indeed, all masterpieces
of literature like this one.

Until next time,
i'm a british person.

Good night.

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