South Park (1997–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Cherokee Hair Tampons - full transcript

* I'M GOING DOWN TO SOUTH PARK *
* GONNA HAVE MYSELF A TIME *
* FRIENDLY FACES EVERYWHERE *
* HUMBLE FOLKS WITHOUT TEMPTATION *
* GOING DOWN TO SOUTH PARK *
* GONNA LEAVE MY WOES BEHIND *
* AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT *
* PEOPLE SPOUTING "HOWDY NEIGHBOR" *
* HEADED ON UP TO SOUTH PARK *
* GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T UNWIND *
( * mumbling * )
* SO COME ON DOWN TO SOUTH PARK *
* AND MEET SOME FRIENDS OF MINE **
DUDE, DID YOU DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK LAST NIGHT?
YEAH, BUT THERE WAS SO MUCH OF IT,
I WAS UP UNTIL TWO IN THE MORNING.
I KNOW.
OKAY, CHILDREN, I HOPE YOU ALL DID YOUR HOMEWORK LAST NIGHT
BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT PAGES 42 THROUGH 612.
FIRST OF ALL, WHO CAN TELL ME
WHAT YEAR THE FOUNDING FATHERS GOT TOGETHER?
LET'S SEE, HOW ABOUT...
PLEASE DON'T CALL ME, PLEASE DON'T CALL ON ME.
WENDY. WHEW!
1776.
GOOD JOB, WENDY, AND WHAT WAS THAT DOCUMENT CALLED?
OH, PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET HIM CALL ON ME.
FATHER IN HEAVEN I BEG YOU.
KYLE.
OH, THANK YOU LORD, PRAISE JESUS!
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
VERY GOOD, KYLE.
NOW, WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT FAMOUS PERSON
WROTE THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE?
LET'S SEE...
OH, I KNOW, HOW ABOUT THE NEW STUDENT, TIMMY.
TIMMY!
NO, IT WASN'T YOU, TIMMY, TRY AGAIN.
HEE-YAH...!
TIMMY, DID YOU NOT DO YOUR HOMEWORK?
TIMMY!
AH, MR. GARRISON, HAVEN'T YOU FIGURED IT OUT?
TIMMY'S RETARDED.
DON'T CALL PEOPLE NAMES, STANLEY.
BUT HE IS.
NOW, TIMMY, YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR STUDY SKILLS.
DUH...
ARE YOU MOCKING ME?
BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, I HAVE NO PROBLEM SENDING YOUR BUTT
TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
LIV-A-LAA... LIV-A-LA TIMMAR!
THAT DOES IT!
WELL, TIMMY, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.
YOU'RE GETTING VERY POOR MARKS IN SCHOOL,
AND THE TEACHERS ARE COMPLAINING YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.
AH.
YOUNG MAN, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HELD BACK A GRADE,
I SUGGEST YOU START COOPERATING, M'KAY.
TIMMY!
WELL, THAT DOES IT, I'M SUSPENDING YOU, TIMMY,
UNTIL YOU CAN LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR ELDERS.
HOLD ON THERE JUST A SECOND, PRINCIPAL VICTORIA.
I THINK I MAY KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
TIMMY.
YES, OF COURSE.
WHAT?
I THINK MAYBE TIMMY IS SUFFERING FROM
SOMETHING CALLED "ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER"
OR A.D.D.
IT'S VERY COMMON IN KIDS HIS AGE.
OH! TIMMY!
WELL, THAT CERTAINLY WOULD EXPLAIN IT.
IT'S SHOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO FIND OUT,
THEY HAVE TESTS FOR THAT KIND OF THING NOW.
LIV-A-LAR TIMMY!
ALL RIGHT THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE TEST
THAT SHOULD DETERMINE, WITHOUT A DOUBT
WHETHER OR NOT TIMMY HAS ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER.
GOOD. M'KAY.
NOW, TIMMY, I'M GOING TO READ YOU A BOOK CALLED
"THE GREAT GATSBY" BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD,
AT THE END OF THE NOVEL, I'LL ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS,
ARE YOU READY?
HIM-MY!
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
"IN MY YOUNGER AND MORE VULNERABLE YEARS,
"MY FATHER GAVE ME SOME ADVICE THAT I'VE BEEN TURNING OVER IN MY MIND EVER SINCE...
"SO, WE BEAT ON, BOATS AGAINST THE CURRENT,
BORN BACK CEASELESSLY INTO THE PAST."
AH-AHHH.
OKAY, NOW TIMMY, IN CHAPTER SEVEN,
WHAT KIND OF CAR DID GATSBY DRIVE?
TIMMY!
WELL, THAT SETTLES IT!!
THIS YOUNG MAN DEFINITELY HAS ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER.
OH-OH, I KNEW IT.
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR HIM, DOCTOR?
WELL, A.D.D. IS FAIRLY COMMON IN KIDS TODAY,
I'M GOING TO PRESCRIBE SOME RITALIN.
AND WE'LL SEE HOW THAT GOES FOR LITTLE TIMMY.
TIMMY...
HURRY UP CHILDREN, LET'S TAKE OUR SEATS.
YOU BETTER HAVE DONE YOUR HOMEWORK LAST NIGHT, TIMMY.
WHAT'S THIS?
TIMMY.
A NOTE FROM THE PRINCIPAL.
"PLEASE EXCUSE TIMMY FROM ALL QUESTIONS AND ALL HOMEWORK,
AS HE HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER."
OH, BROTHER!
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK?
THAT'S JUST SWELL, TIMMY.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE OUTSMARTED THE PRINCIPAL AND THE COUNSELOR.
TIMMY.
VERY WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE EXCUSED FROM HOMEWORK.
HEY WAIT, I THINK MAYBE I HAVE ATTENTION DEFUNCTION DISORDER.
YEAH, ME TOO, I'VE GOT A.D.D.
ME TOO. I'VE GOT IT. ME TOO!
"AFTER A WHILE I WENT OUT AND LEFT THE HOSPITAL
AND WALKED BACK TO THE HOTEL IN THE RAIN."
( bump-bump-bump )
ALL RIGHT NOW, IN CHAPTER 12, WHAT KIND OF BOTTLES DID MS. VAN CAMPEN TALK ABOUT?
ANYBODY?
ANYBODY?
MY GOD, THESE CHILDREN ALL HAVE A.D.D.
HOORAY. HOORAY. HOORAY.
HOORAY.
IT'S RITALIN FOR ALL OF YOU!
( heavy metal music )
DUDE, WE SUCK.
HEY THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT ATTITUDE, JONESY.
THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS IS TOMORROW NIGHT.
DUDE, WE'D NEVER WIN THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS.
THERE'S NO BIG DEAL.
NOT A BIG DEAL!
THIS YEAR'S WINNER GETS TO OPEN FOR PHIL COLLINS
AT LOLLAPALOOBOOZA AND THAT'S NO BIG DEAL.
HEY GUYS, YOU BETTER STOP FIGHTING.
WE JUST GOT TO PRACTICE MORE.
DUDE, WE'VE BEEN PRACTICING FOR EIGHT YEARS, SKYLAR.
HEY, AM I THE LEADER OF THIS BAND OR NOT?
NOW, LET'S DO IT FROM THE TOP.
TIM-MAH!
TIM-MAH!
WHAT WAS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
WHOA!
WHO IS THAT?
TIMMY!
ARE YOU A SINGER, MAN?
LA-LA-TIMMY.
TIMMY!
TIMMY!
DUDE, THAT'S HOT!
YEAH.
THERE'S YOUR PRESCRIPTION MS. McCORMICK,
$100 WORTH OF RITALIN.
THEN HE WON'T HAVE ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER ANYMORE?
WE CAN ONLY HOPE SO.
NEXT!
OH, HI SHEILA.
SHARON, YOUR SON HAS ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER, TOO?
YES, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
I COULD NEVER GET STANLEY TO PAY ATTENTION
WHEN HIS GRANDFATHER TOLD HIM STORIES ABOUT THE 30s.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, KYLE GETS SO HYPER SOMETIMES
HE RUNS AROUND AND SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD.
I AM EIGHT.
NEXT, PLEASE.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE... OH, RITALIN.
YES.
THAT'S RIGHT I'VE GOT A BAD CASE OF A.D.D.
NO HOMEWORK FOR ME.
MR. PHARMACIST, THIS RITALIN DOESN'T HAVE ANY SIDE-EFFECTS DOES IT?
NO, YOUR SON MAY EXPERIENCE A SMALL LACK OF ENERGY,
BUT THAT'S ALL.
AND HE MIGHT START SEEING LITTLE CHRISTINA AGUILLERA MONSTERS
BUT THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED.
OH, MY!
* WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE LAUGHING IN FIELDS OF LIGHT *
* LAUGHING IN FIELDS OF LIGHT *
BOO! BOO! YOU SUCK.
( laughter )
ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS
"SINISTERS OF MERCY, HOLD NO PAIN AGAINST THE DARK LORD"
WITH THEIR SONG
"SPILT BLOOD ON THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY MIND REVISITED".
WE GOT THE BEST RESPONSE,
WE'LL BE OPENING FOR PHIL COLLINS FOR SURE.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR FINAL BA.
THANK GOD!
HA HA! HA HA! HA HA!
GIVE IT UP FOR,
"TIMMY AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD".
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
TIMMY!
TIMMY! YIMMY, YEAH!
( cheering )
THAT HANDICAPPED DUDE, RULES!
YEAH.
YOU GUYS ARE TERRIBLE, HOW CAN YOU LAUGH AT THAT POOR KID?
TIMMY, TIMMY!
* THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD *
* DARKNESS FILLS MY HEART WITH PAIN *
TIMMY, TIMMY!
DUDE, IT'S TIMMY.
NO WAY!
DA... DA... DA...
THEY'RE RIDICULING THAT SINGER, COME ON LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
TIMMY, TIMMY.
* AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD *
TIMMY!
* DARKNESS FILLS MY HEART WITH PAIN *
TIMMY!
TIMMY!
( cheering )
THAT WAS AWESOME!
YEAH, TIMMY RULES!
BOYS, YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH AT HIM HE'S HANDICAPPED.
BUT, HE'S FUNNY.
HOW, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE HANDICAPPED?
DO YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE FUNNY?
YOU'RE MAKING HIM FEEL BAD.
HE LOOKS PRETTY HAPPY TO ME.
OH, YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK!
DUDE, THIS IS A NO-BRAINER!
THIS YEAR BATTLE OF THE BANDS WINNER
AND THE BAND THAT GETS TO OPEN FOR PHIL COLLINS AT LULLAPOLOOZA IS TIMMY.
WE DID IT, DUDE.
LISTEN TO THEM, THEY REALLY LOVE ME.
WOO!
WOO! WOO! WOO!
YES, I'M A ROCKER!!
TONIGHT WE ANALYZE THE NEW ROCK SENSATION TIMMY,
THE CONTROVERSIAL NEW BAND THAT'S TAKEN THE COUNTRY BY STORM.
ALREADY PLAYING AT SEVERAL LARGE VENUES THIS MONTH.
THE BAND PREPARES FOR IT'S BIGGEST GIG, LOLLAPALOOZAZA.
WHERE THEY WILL OPEN FOR PHIL COLLINS.
BUT, PHIL COLLINS IS NOT HAPPY.
WELL, I THINK IT'S A HORRIBLE TRAGEDY, ISN'T IT?
I MEAN, PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TO SEE TIMMY FOR HIS MUSICAL SKILLS
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT HIM.
AND I THINK YOU SHOULDN'T LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES.
HA, HEH-HEH.
SOCIETY HAS TO LEARN TO BE MORE COMPASSIONATE.
THIS IS GOING TO STOP, IF I HAVE TO STOP IT MYSELF.
DUDE, DID YOU SEE THAT STUFF
PHIL COLLINS WAS SAYING ABOUT TIMMY?
YEAH, WHAT A DICK, TIMMY'S FIVE TIMES MORE TALENTED THAN HE IS.
HEY, GUYS, HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING YOUR RITALIN?
NO WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO TAKE THAT STUFF.
NO DUDE, YOU GOT TO TRY IT, IT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.
GOOD...
HELLO, THERE CHILDREN.
HELLO, CHEF. HELLO, CHEF. HELLO, CHEF.
HELLO, CHEF.
HOW'S IT GOING?
VERY WELL, THANK YOU.
VERY WELL, THANK YOU.
EVERYTHING'S FINE, WHY?
BECAUSE WE'RE ON RITALIN.
WHAT?
WE ALL HAVE ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
SO WE ALL STARTED TAKING RITALIN.
IT REALLY TAKES THE EDGE OFF, MAN, YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
SO, THAT'S WHY ALL YOU CHILDREN ARE ACTING ALL DAMN BORING.
THAT'S CORRECT, CHEF.
DAMMIT, CHILDREN, YOU DON'T NEED DRUGS
TO MAKE YOU PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL.
IN MY DAY, IF WE DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION
WE GOT A BELT TO THE BOTOM.
NOW THEY TRY TO CURE EVERYTHING WITH DRUGS.
YES, BUT NOW WE DON'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK,
SO WE CAN GO SEE TIMMY PLAY DOWNTOWN AT MILE HIGH STADIUM.
OH, BOY, OH, BOY.
OH, BOY.
OH, IT MAKES ME SICK!
THOSE DAMN PSYCHOLOGISTS PRESCRIBE ALL KIND OF MEDICINE TO YOU CHILDREN,
WITHOUT EVEN CARING ABOUT THE SIDE-EFFECTS.
BUT THERE ARE NO SIDE-EFFECTS, CHEF.
NO, NONE AT ALL.
REOWW!
DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT?
SEE WHAT?
YOU'RE WATCHING MTV.
THE COOL BRAINWASHING 12-YEAR-OLD AND YOUNGER STATION
THAT HIDES BEHIND A SLICK IMAGE.
WE'RE SO COOL, THAT WE DECIDE WHAT'S COOL.
AND NOW MTV NEWS.
THE NEWS THAT IS SINGLE-HANDEDLY DUMBING DOWN OUR COUNTRY,
WHICH IS COOL.
HERE'S YOUR HOST, KURT LODER.
WHY AM I STILL DOING THIS?
I'VE GOT TO BE TO THE OLDEST PERSON ON THIS NETWORK BY AT LEAST 40 YEARS.
KURT LODER DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT.
NO WAIT, HE DID JUST SAY IT, BUT JUST TO BE COOL.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIM COOL.
YOU THINK KURT LODER IS COOL AND NOW THE NEWS THAT'S COOL.
WELL, IT'S ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL LOLLAPALOOBUBA
AND THE HEADLINING BAND HAS CHANGED,
NOW THE HEADLINING BAND IS TIMMY,
THE NEW HIT SENSATION OUT OF COLORADO.
THIS NEWS CAME AS A SHOCK TO THE PERFORMER
THAT WAS GOING TO HEADLINE LALAPULUBLA, PHIL COLLINS.
WELL, I THINK THE SAD QUESTION IS
WHERE ARE THE PARENTS IN ALL THIS?
I MEAN, THAT KID'S PARENTS IS LETTING THEM BE EXPLOITED
AND THEY DON'T EVEN SEEM TO CARE.
AND SO PHIL COLLINS DECIDED TO TRAVEL TO SOUTH PARK
AND PERSONALLY PAY TIMMY'S PARENTS A VISIT.
WELL, I MEAN,
WHY ARE YOU LETTING THEM DO THIS TO YOUR SON?
DON'T YOU SEE THAT EVERYONE IS JUST LAUGHING AT THEM.
RICHARD!
HELEN!
HEY.
PHIL COLLINS WARNS THAT A NOVELTY BAND THAT MAKES FUN OF THE HANDICAPPED
SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PLAY AT LOLLAPOOLULA.
AND VOWS TO DO EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO STOP IT.
PHIL COLLINS, BY THE WAY, DIVORCED HIS WIFE BY FAX
AND THEN MARRIED A 27-YEAR-OLD.
I'M KURT LODER AND THAT'S THE NEWS.
OKAY, CHILDREN, LET'S SETTLE DOWN.
I MEAN IT, I WANT QUIET.
MY GOD, MR. HEAD,
THESE CHILDREN ARE SO BORING ON RITALIN.
ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN, TODAY WE'RE GOING TO LEARN ABOUT
HUMAN REPRODUCTION!
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
VAGINAS AND PENISES...
BUTT SEX.
DAMN IT, ERIC, DON'T YOU HAVE SOME SMART-ASS THING TO SAY?
WHAT KIND OF SMART-ASS THING WOULD I SAY, MR. GARRISON?
THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!
I CAN'T HANDLE YOU LITTLE BASTARDS BEING SO MELLOW.
GEE, YOU SEEM A LITTLE STRESSED MR. GARRISON,
WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOME RITALIN?
AH...
THERE YOU GO.
REOW!
AHH!
THANK YOU, FOLKS. GOOD NIGHT!
ALRIGHT, LET'S ROCK THIS HOUSE.
HELLO MIAMI!
TIMMY!
EXCUSE ME, SKYLAR.
YEAH.
NICE TO MEET YOU, I'M PHIL COLLINS.
OH, YEAH, YOU'RE OPENING FOR US AT LOLLAPALUZAVA.
I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU WELL,
THAT I THINK YOU'RE A GREAT GUITAR PLAYER AND SONGWRITER.
OH, THANKS A LOT, I APPRECIATE THAT.
GOTTA RUN.
IT'S TOO BAD THOSE OTHER GUYS ARE HOLDING YOU BACK.
HUH?
WELL, I MEAN, IT'S OBVIOUS
ALL THE TALENT AND ARTISTIC VISION COMES FROM YOU.
STRANGE HOW EVERYONE FOCUSES ON TIMMY, ISN'T IT.
I MEAN EVEN THE NAME OF THE BAND IS TIMMY.
THE NAME OF THE BAND IS TIMMY AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD.
LOOK, I USED TO BE IN A BAND TOO, GENESIS.
BUT ALL THOSE BASTARDS DID WAS HOLD ME BACK, AND HOLD ME BACK,
BUT THEN FINALLY I WENT SOLO.
AND THAT'S WHEN I STARTED WRITING REALLY GREAT SONGS.
BUT, LOOK IF YOU YOU'RE HAPPY BEING ON THE SIDELINES,
BEING MORE OF A CHEERLEADER THAN A PLAYER,
WELL THEN I GUESS YOU SHOULD STAY ON AS TIMMY'S SHADOW.
OH, THANKS MAN, SEE YOU.
THAT SHOULD JUST ABOUT PUT AN END TO ALL THIS TIMMY NONSENSE.
( cheering )
ANOTHER GREAT SHOW, MAN.
THERE MUST HAVE BEEN 100,000 PEOPLE OUT THERE.
YEAH, ALL OF THEM CHANTING, "TIMMY, TIMMY".
TIMMY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SKYLAR?
THE NAME OF THE BAND IS "TIMMY AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD",
NOT JUST "TIMMY".
TIMMY.
AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD.
TIMMY!
IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT?
I SICK OF IT!
TIMMY GETS ALL THE APPLAUSE.
TIMMY GETS ALL THE CHICKS.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET YOU, MAN.
BUT, TIMMY IS WHAT MADE OUR BAND FAMOUS.
SHUT UP, MALSEY.
YOU CAN STAY AND DEAL WITH MR. EGOMANIAC HERE,
BUT I'M MOVING ON.
I DON'T NEED TIMMY, I'M GOING SOLO.
TIMMY.
NO, DON'T TRY AND STOP ME, MAN.
I'LL SEE YOU ON FAME'S BACKSIDE.
LIBA-LA!
HEY, TERRENCE, WHAT BRAND OF PANTS AM I WEARING?
LET ME SEE.
( fart )
HA HA! HA HA!
LET'S WATCH SOMETHING ELSE.
YES, LET'S.
YOU'RE WATCHING VH-1.
AH... AH... AH...
HERE'S LOLLAPALA'S NEWS, THE HIT GROUP, TIMMY HAS BROKEN UP.
OH, DEAR, TIMMY'S BAND BROKE UP.
AND SO PHIL COLLINS IS BACK ON AS HEADLINER.
THE OPENING BAND NOW WILL BE TIMMY'S GUITARIST SKYLAR'S NEW SOLO PROJECT,
"REACH FOR THE SKYLAR".
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, I THINK THAT'S GOOD.
IT WAS WRONG TO MAKE TIMMY A SINGER.
YEAH, PHIL COLLINS WAS RIGHT.
PEOPLE LAUGHED AT TIMMY.
AND TIMMY SHOULD BE AT HOME PROTECTED FROM LAUGHTER.
I AGREE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GUYS, WE SHOULD GO TO THE CONCERT ANYWAY,
AND SEE PHIL COLLINS.
YEAH, I THINK PHIL COLLINS ROCKS THE HOUSE.
SOUNDS GOOD, SO IT'S DECIDED,
PHIL COLLINS' CONCERT FOR ALL OF US.
HOO-RAY.
OH, OH, HOLD STILL KENNY.
OH, MY GOODNESS, YOU KILLED KENNY.
BASTARD.
PARENTS, I CALLED ALL YOU GUYS TOGETHER,
BECAUSE I THINK YOU MIGHT BE MAKING A MISTAKE
PUTTING YOUR CHILDREN ON RITALIN.
BUT, OUR KIDS HAVE ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER,
THEY CAN'T PAY ATTENTION IN SCHOOL WITHOUT IT.
I KNOW YOU WANT TO HELP YOUR KIDS,
BUT I BROUGHT OVER A VIDEOTAPE TO SHOW YOU
THAT THERE ARE ALTERNATIVES TO RITALIN.
THERE IS A DOCTOR IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
WHO IS DOING REALLY AMAZING THINGS WITH KIDS WHO HAVE A.D.D.
I WANT YOU WATCH THIS TAPE.
HELLO, I'M DR. RICHARD SHAY,
HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY EXCITING NEW DRUG-FREE TREATMENT
FOR CHILDREN WITH ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER.
YA-YA... YA-YA... YA-YA...
THIS TREATMENT IS FAST AND EFFECTIVE
AND DOESN'T USE HARMFUL DRUGS.
WATCH CLOSELY AS I APPLY TREATMENT TO THE FIRST CHILD.
I WANT A HORSE...
I WANT A IG BROWN HORSE
WITH A FLUFFY BLACK TAIL...
( whack ) SIT DOWN AND STUDY!!
OH, LET'S GO RACE...
( whap ) SIT DOWN AND STUDY!!
WAHHH, AAH...
( smack ) STOP CRYING AND DO YOUR SCHOOLWORK!
IF YOU WOULD LIKE MORE INFORMATION ON MY BOLD NEW TREATMENTS,
PLEASE SEND AWAY FROM THIS BROCHURE ENTITLED
"YOU CAN EITHER CALM DOWN, OR I CAN POP YOU IN THE MOUTH AGAIN."
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK.
I CAN HAVE DR. SHAY COME TO SOUTH PARK FOR A SMALL FEE.
THAT VIDEO HAD PRETTY COLORS.
IT SURE DID.
WHAT THE...?
DAMMIT, HAVE YOU ALL BEEN TAKING YOUR CHILDREN'S RITALIN TOO?
YES. YES. YES.
OH, FUDGE IT.
CHEF, ARE YOU GOING TO THE PHIL COLLINS CONCERT TOMORROW?
THE WHAT?
PHIL COLLINS IS PLAYING LOLLAPALALAS
AND BECAUSE WE'RE ALL DOING SO WELL IN SCHOOL NOW
OUR PARENTS SAID THEY WOULD TAKE US.
YES. YES. YES.
HOLD ON A SECOND, YOU CHILDREN, WANT TO GO SEE PHIL COLLINS.
YES, HIS FLOWING MELODIES ARE REALLY ENJOYABLE TO US.
OH, MY GOD!
COME, SEE HIM WITH US.
YES, COME WITH US, COME WITH US.
AHHH, IT'S CHRISTINA AGUILLERA AGAIN, SHE'S ON MY BACK.
THAT DOES IT, THE RITALIN HAS AFFECTED YOUR LITTLE CRACKER BRAINS TOO DEEPLY.
I'M GOING TO SEE THAT DAMN PHARMACIST.
LOOK AT THAT, RITALIN STOCKS ARE UP TEN POINTS.
THAT'S EASILY ANOTHER 20 GRAND APIECE.
HEY, OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR!
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, YOU CAN.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING
PRESCRIBING ALL THE CHILDREN RITALIN.
WELL, THEY'VE ALL BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH A.D.D.
THAT'S ATTENTION DEFICIT...
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT NOW YOU'VE GOT
A TOWN FULL OF ZOMBIE CHILDREN
FROM THE PLANET ZANDOR.
HUH?
ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY,
YOU BASTARD DOCTORS ARE GIVING CHILDREN RITALIN,
AND FOR EVERY ONE CHILD THAT ACTUALLY NEEDS IT
YOU GIVE IT TO 50,000 THAT DON'T.
HEY NOW, DON'T TELL US OUR BUSINESS, MR. CHEF...
YOU DAMN RIGHT I'LL TELL YOU YOUR BUSINESS,
BECAUSE YOU TWO HAVE YOUR HEADS UP YOUR ASSES.
THANKS TO YOU WE HAVE CHILDREN IN OUR TOWN THAT LIKE PHIL COLLINS.
WHAT?!
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU MADE THEM SO DULL AND BORING
THAT THEY'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO GO TO A PHIL COLLINS CONCERT.
MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
BUT, IF I'D KNOWN.
I MEAN, PHIL COLLINS, MY GOD.
( sobbing )
WELL, HOW DO WE REVERSE THE RITALIN?
WE HAVE TO CONVINCE THEM NOT TO TAKE IT,
BUT IT'LL BE HARD TO GET IT AWAY FROM THEM.
THEN WE NEED AN ANTIDOTE.
YES, OF COURSE.
WHAT'S THE ANTIDOTE FOR RITALIN?
I HAVE SOME RIGHT HERE, IT'S A COMPOUND CALLED RITALOUT.
WE'VE GOT TO GET THE ANTIDOTE TO ALL THE CHILDREN, QUICK!
( cheering )
* THAT'S NOT A WORD *
* OH, BOO BOO *
* THAT'S NOT A WORD *
* BOO, BOO, YO *
HERE, WE CAN PUT THE RITALIN ANTIDOTE IN THESE DRINKS
AND HAND THEM OUT TO THE CHILDREN.
* BOO BOO BOO-DIO *
( calm clapping )
OH, WASN'T THAT GREAT SON?
IT SURE WAS, DAD.
IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO BE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH AS OUR KIDS.
HERE YOU GO, STAN AND KYLE, FREE DRINKS ON ME.
OH, THANK YOU, CHEF, HOW NICE.
AND NOW, I'D LIKE TO SING THE COMPLEX AND AMAZING SONG THAT WON ME THE OSCAR.
A SONG ENTITLED, YOU BE IN ME.
* YOU'RE INSIDE OF ME *
* DEEP INSIDE OF ME *
* SO DEEP IN INSIDE, I CAN FEEL YOU PUSHING AGAINST MY HEART *
COME ON DRINK IT DOWN, IT'S FREE.
* YOU BE INSIDE OF ME *
ARR... OH NOO!
GET OFF ME, GET OFF ME!
SOMEBODY HELP.
I FEEL... DIFFERENT.
YEAH.
GET OFF ME CHRISTINA AGUILLERA.
DRINK THIS, ERIC.
GOD, HELP ME.
SHE'S GONE.
THANK GOD.
WHAT MAKES...
WAIT A MINUTE, PHIL COLLIN SUCKS ASS!
YEAH, WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING?
BOO!
I THINK IT'S WORKING.
BOO! BOO! BOO!
SHUT YOUR FILTHY HOLES YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!
GET OFF THE STAGE PHIL COLLINS!
WE WANT TIMMY!
YEAH.
YOU JUST WANT TO LAUGH AT HIM.
NO, YOU SEE WE LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY.
YEAH SURE, WE LAUGHED AT TIMMY,
BUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH LAUGHTER?
JUST BECAUSE WE LAUGH AT SOMETHING
DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T CARE ABOUT IT.
TIMMY MADE US SMILE AND PLAYING MADE TIMMY SMILE,
SO WHERE IS THE HARM IN THAT?
THE PEOPLE IN THE WRONG, ARE THE PEOPLE WHO THINK TIMMY SHOULD BE PROTECTED
AND KEPT OUT OF THE PUBLIC'S EYE.
THE COOL THING ABOUT TIMMY BEING IN A BAND
WAS THAT HE WAS IN YOUR FACE, AND YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH HIM.
WHETHER YOU LAUGHED OR CRIED OR FELT NOTHING.
THAT'S WHY TIMMY RULES.
YEAH.
TIMMY, TIMMY!
TIMMY! TIMMY! TIMMY!
TIMMY! TIMMY! TIMMY!
MAN IT SUCKS NOT BEING PART OF LOLLAPALABALA.
YEAH.
HEY DUDES.
SKYLAR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ISN'T "REACH FOR THE SKYLAR" SUPPOSED TO PLAY SOON?
THEY BOOED PHIL COLLINS OFF THE STAGE.
EVERYONE IS CHANTING FOR
"TIMMY AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD".
SO NOW THAT THEY WANT US YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST
WALTZ BACK INTO OUR LIVES AND BE IN THE BAND AGAIN?
I DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING.
TIMMY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY
WE HAD SOME PRETTY ROCKING TIMES, DUDE.
AND MAYBE I LET FAME AND PHIL COLLINS GO TO MY HEAD.
TIMMY! TIMMY! TIMMY!
TIMMY! TIMMY! TIMMY!
WOW, THEY REALLY ARE CHANTING FOR US.
THEY WANT US BACK.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, TIMMY?
TIMMY.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO
IT IS MY PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE THE REUNION TOUR OF TIMMY.
TIMMY AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD.
TIMMY!
TIMMY!
YIMMY-YAH!
TIMMY-TIMMY.
TIMMY-TIMMY.
* AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD *
PUT ME DOWN YOU FILTHY BASTARDS!
AH... ARRR!
TIMMY, LIV-A-LAR!
BOO CHA KA...
TIMMY, TIMMY, TIMMY.
TIMMY.
* AND THE LORDS OF THE UNDERWORLD *
* DARKNESS FILLS MY HEART WITH PAIN *
TIMMY, TIMMY, TIMMY!
TIM-MAH!!