South Park (1997–…): Season 20, Episode 9 - Not Funny - full transcript

_

♪ I'm goin' down to South
Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ I like fucking silly bitches
and I know my penis likes it! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

Everyone, calm down. Please.



We have to have civil order.

Listen to me!

Now, I know everyone is scared,

but we have to keep control.

Yes, all our e-mails
and Internet histories

are about to become public knowledge.

But!

But!

We all need to understand
that Troll Trace

will never happen if people
don't log on to use it.

The website is a massive database

that cross-references everything
ever said on the Internet.

It relies on people typing
in a name and address

of someone else to add to that database.



If we can all agree to
resist the urge to look up

other people's Internet
histories, Maggie, okay?

As long as we all respect
each other's privacy, darling,

then our town won't suffer
the same fate as Fort Collins.

And what are the police gonna do
to make sure people don't use it?

I know I'll certainly
respect other's privacy.

But what about people like
Laura Tucker, the blabbermouth?

Excuse me?

And that's why we have to
come together as a community

and resist any temptation
to use Troll Trace, Maggie.

We have to stay in control.

This hack of our city will never happen

so long as we can
rely on the rationality

and the basic decency
of the American people.

We're gonna die!

- Oh! We got to get the kids!
- Get the kids! Let's go!

Guess I could have
worded that differently.

What were you thinking?!

How dare you outright
defy me like that?!

Your brother was being
punished for using the computer,

and you decide to just leave with him?!

I just felt bad for him, Ma.

You felt bad for him?!

After all the horrible things
he said to people online?

Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle.

You just wait till
your father gets home.

Ike! Where the fuck have you been?!

Daddy needs your help.

You don't want Mommy and
Daddy to get divorced, do you?

You know how bad your mom is.

She completely overreacts to everything.

That's where your brother gets it from.

You don't want to be like Kyle, do you?

Hi, Dad.

Hey, buddy! Everything good there?

It was you this whole time.

You're the troll who
caused all this trouble.

No, it was your brother.

I don't know what's
wrong with him, Kyle.

He needs counseling or...

Heidi Turner did emoji analysis.

It was an adult. It was you!

Shh! Shh! Okay, keep your voice down.

Why, Dad? Why did you do this?!

Because it's fucking funny, Kyle.

It's called having a sense
of humor and laughing.

You should fucking
try it once in a while.

Putting a penis in the mouth of
a mom who has cancer is funny?!

Because it's so not funny, God!

Pushing people's
buttons to get a reaction

can actually be very
good for society, Kyle.

Listen to me. The
Danish are fucking crazy.

You have to get people to stop them.

- How?
- Go get people riled up.

Call the president. I don't know.

When you push people's buttons,

they go and push other people's buttons.

- Now, get out there and...
- Kyle! Ike!

What the hell is this?!

What did I say?!

Get off of that computer right now!

Uh, everyone, please, listen.

We don't have any rockets going to Mars.

Now, you're not listening.

We don't have the energy
requirements figured out yet.

We're working as hard as we can.

There's a little girl working
on the problem right now,

and apparently, she's
incredibly smart and funny.

You got it figured out, babe?

Babe, I have no idea
what any of this means.

Heidi, yes, you do.

You just have to get over yourself.

Come on. Say it. Say it.

Girls rule. Women are
funny. Get over it.

Get over it, baby.

Stop holding yourself back.

Uh, excuse me.

Sorry, can we have a word, please?

What the fuck do you want?!

Hang on, babe.

This doesn't seem like
it's gonna work out,

and we're rather busy.

Just give her a chance.

She's the smartest,
funniest girl on Earth.

I haven't really heard
her say anything funny.

Yeah, that's because you have
a mental block, Elon Musk,

that won't let you get over yourself.

Hee, yeah!

Don't worry about Heidi. She's a hoot!

Here they come.

Oh, thank God.

There's been a mistake, okay?

I'm not one of them.

My son is Skankhunt42.

Go online and see.

He's still doing it.

All of you, remove your clothes.

What are you gonna do to us?

Remove your clothes now!

In here. Move!

Oh, God!

Oh, God! They're gonna kill us!

No, no, no, no, wait.

Okay, okay, it was me.

You're right. I'm Skankhunt.

But I'm not like them.

Please. I have a good
job. I'm a good guy.

I'm sorry.

I was just being funny.

I was trying to make people laugh.

That's a positive thing, right?

I wasn't doing it to hurt people.

I was just doing comedy.

It's different.

Please, it's different!

Lord, we look to thee on
this, our most troubled hour.

We have been led astray,

and now all we can do is wait
for the inevitable to happen.

Soon, everything we
have said and done online

is going to be known to all.

Many lives will be turned upside down.

Of course, I have nothing
to be worried about.

Since I'm a priest, there's nothing I'm
ashamed of doing on the Internet, so...

definitely no reason
to look up my history.

But, uh, for many,
this is a time to pray.

Oh, Lord, please forgive us

for things we might have done online.

Maggie.

Please try to understand

it was only out of curiosity

and not because we'd
actually have an affair.

Please understand that we
might have used racial slurs,

but only because it
was to a close friend

and never meant to be in public.

What are you all doing?!

Somebody's threatening your way of life,

and you're all just
sitting here, praying?!

Like a-a bunch of babies?!

Like a bunch of pussies!

Come on! This isn't South Park.

What's happened to us?

We used to have a
challenge and deal with it

then move on to the next one.

Now we've just been
dealing with trolling

and Internet stuff over
and over, week after week,

and I don't know about you, but
I'm getting pretty sick of it!

Yeah!

Now, for once, let's take
a stand and try to end this.

We can't let Denmark change who we are.

Yeah! Fuck Denmark!

- Yeah!
- All right!

You guys need to, you know,

call the president and
get him to... take action.

- Aw.
- Oh.

Uh, the president?
He won't listen to us.

He hates us now.

No. But there's somebody
he will listen to.

Mr. President, we're looking
at global destabilization

like we've never seen.

Countries everywhere are terrified

their Internet may be hacked.

Well, what do they
want me to do about it?

You're the leader of the free world.

Everyone is looking to you to be

the calm and steady voice they all need.

Mr. President?

Mr. President, the Israeli
Prime Minister is on line one.

The Chancellor of
Germany is on line two.

And a Mr. Slave is on line three.

Mr. Slave?

This is the president.

Hey. What's up?

Well, well, well.

Crawling out of the woodwork
to try and get me back

now that I'm a big cheese?

No, I'm calling because people
want you to bomb Denmark.

Who wants me to bomb Denmark?

Lots of people, 'cause it's, like,

going to ruin their freedom
of speech or something.

Mr. Slave, this is all very
complicated diplomatic stuff, okay?

You can't just go
bombing other countries.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You're
such a little bitch.

Oh, I'm a bitch, huh?

I happen to be president, bitch!

You're a little bitch president.

You're too scared to bomb anybody.

I'm not scared!

My advisors have told me that I...

Yeah, you're scared.

Just do what your little
advisors tell you to do.

If I decide a military strike on
Denmark is warranted, then I will...

You don't have the balls
to bomb them, pussy.

Pussy ass bitch.

Pussy ass bitch. Fuck you.

Oh... You... Oh, okay!

You think so, huh?

Well, watch this, you gay asshole!

Bomb Denmark!

Sir?

The Troll Trace building and
the whole fucking thing...

Whatever it is, get the missiles ready!

Yeah, it worked.

- All right!
- Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Hello!

- What are you doing?
- Going pee.

I mean what are you doing
calling my girlfriend funny?

You better back off!

You don't even know her!

You haven't spent any time with her!

You're just saying it!

How do you even know she's funny?!

Well, 'cause you keep
telling everyone she is.

Butters, Heidi is everything to me.

If you try and take her,
I swear to God, I will...

Eric, Eric, trust me.

I want nothing to do with girlfriends.

I know what girlfriends do.

They make you feel the
happiest you ever felt.

Then they crawl up inside of you and...

poop on your heart.

What are you talking about?

That's how it ends, Eric.

Girls get you to feel for them,

make you think they're the
best thing in the world,

and then they leave,
move on to the next thing,

and you're left there, crying,

with your heart covered in poop.

Not Heidi.

She's different.

She's really smart.

And really funny.

Sure, buddy.

Sure.

"Officials have stated that

all communication with Denmark has ended

and that a military strike on
the country is now eminent."

- Yay!
- "The president stated that since the..."

Are you serious right now?!

Get off that computer!

Mom, we were just using
it to look at the news.

I don't care. I said no computers!

You kids are addicted to the Internet!

You're sick, and you're addicted!

It's changed your brother.

And now it's turning
you against me, Kyle!

I'm not against you, Mom.

You are!

Your father goes away on business,

and all you do is defy me at every turn!

The next time you defy
me, it will be your last!

Do you understand?!

- Y-Yes, Mom.
- Yes, Mom.

And when your father
gets home from Denmark,

you two are both going
in for counseling.

- Denmark?!
- Denmark?!

What is Dad doing in Denmark?!

The government sent him over
there to do paralegal training,

so it would have been nice

if you could have
shown a little support.

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

Will somebody shut him up?

Skank. Skank, get ahold of yourself.

You were right, Dildo,

when you said I was a dick,

when you called me an asshole.

I am.

And now I'm gonna die
alone, just like you said.

Come on. You're not an asshole.

You said I was, though, 'cause
I only trolled to be funny.

Well... Well, maybe being funny

is just sort of how you
deal with serious subjects.

Really?

You don't think I'm a bad person?

I'm sorry.

All you guys, I'm sorry.

- That's okay.
- That's okay.

Okay, Skank. All right.

Excuse me. Hello?

Could I please speak
to the person in charge?

I have something to say.

Please, just for a moment?

Bring him to the conference room.

Dude, I am so not getting this.

I just don't understand it.

She's always been really smart before.

And hilarious.

Don't feel bad about
getting duped, Eric.

It's happened to all of us.

Nobody's been duped!

Stop trying to suggest
she's being manipulative.

Why would she want to trick me?

The truth is girls hate us, Eric.

They're sick of our shit.

And one day, they plan
to make us obsolete,

stick us underground where we
just get milked for our semen.

Boys' only hope is
to start over on Mars.

That's ridiculous.

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Heidi is the smartest,
funniest person I've ever met!

I'm not being tricked!

And I'll prove it to everybody!

Oh, my gosh. Thank you
so much for talking to me.

I just really need to get
something off my chest.

I'm so sorry.

I have had the biggest epiphany about

the damage I've done,
the people I've hurt,

but the fact of the matter
is I'm not really a troll.

I actually have a job. I'm a lawyer.

I've got a loving wife and great kids.

Um, I've got a family that
really misses me and needs me.

Freja Ollengaurd, the volleyball
player, had a family, too.

They miss her quite a lot.

And that... That is so tragic.

And I'm so sorry she was driven
to kill herself by trolling.

It's... It's wrong.

But, you know, I just sort
of set things in motion.

See, I'm a satirist.

I challenge people's point of
views by being sort of edgy.

And sometimes, people
can be like, "Whoa!"

and mistake that for
hate, but it's not hate.

It's pointing out
hypocrisies in our society.

You're so full of skinkinslat
I can smell it from here.

If you say mean things and you're mean,

then I agree you should be killed.

But if you're being
funny, which spreads joy...

You really think my plan is to kill you?

It's not?

Leave us.

Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Do you want to know what's really funny?

Mr. President, the bombers
are en route to Europe.

Are you sure you want
to proceed with this?

Yeah, yeah. Bomb the shit out of them.

We have to be tough here.

Mr. President, the Grand Duke
of Luxembourg is on line one.

The Chairman of the Workers
Party is on line two.

And Kyle is on line three.

Oh, geez. What does Kyle want?

This is the president.

Mr. Garrison, you can't bomb Denmark!

Oh, for Pete's sake, Kyle.

It-It's wrong, and it
could start a bigger war.

Kyle, this is all very
serious diplomatic stuff, okay?

You can't understand the political
complexities involved here.

I understand you're a
dipshit little gay puppet.

Excuse me?

Letting your ex-boyfriend
manipulate you

'cause you miss his sweet ass.

Who told you that?

Everyone knows that.

You only do what your little bitch
boyfriend manipulates you into do.

Kyle, I am the president.

You're a little dipshit president.

With a dirty asshole.

With a dirty asshole.

And you shit out your dick.

And you shit out your dick.

Where'd you learn to talk like this?

Daddy!

Oh, that's what people think, huh?

Well, maybe I won't bomb Denmark.

What do you think about that?!

Yeah, you will, 'cause you're
a little retarded shit bitch.

God fucking damn it!

Hold up!

Hold up on the fucking bombs a minute!

Hey, baby. Uh, how's it going?

I don't understand what
any of these symbols mean,

so, in my head, I'm
trying to replace them

with something I know
to try and see patterns.

Okay, cool. Um, babe, you
remember that funny thing

you were saying about
soup the other day?

What was that again?

And when I do that, I can
see how everything lines up,

except for one thing.

I call it emoji analysis.

Emoji analysis.

Do you... Do you remember

that funny voice you did at McDonald's?

You were like, "Could you...

Could you hand me my
water," or something.

I can't... I can't remember.

Those two don't line up, babe.

The only things that are out of order.

Or the time you said
the thing about clouds

and I was laughing so
hard... What was that again?

Excuse me.

Is it possible that the
seventh line from the right

and the third one up from the
bottom left are out of sequence?

I'm sorry?

That stuff there. It's
in the wrong place.

It needs to come before that.

Wait a minute. She might
be on to something here.

Okay, okay, now could you just do

the "my vagina" thing for them?

Could you just say, "my vagina"?

They're out of sequence! I'll show you!

What the fuck is happening?

Do you remember, Mr. Skankhunt,

when you and your little buddies

trolled the entire country of Denmark?

And that was wrong, too.

I certainly want to apologize for that.

That was certainly a display

of the power of trolling, wasn't it?

But what would be even more impressive?

I-I don't understand.

What if you could
troll the entire world?

Somebody who could
rise to political power

through nothing more than
pushing people's buttons

and getting them all riled up,

become the leader of...

a Scandinavian country, perhaps,

get them to listen to you when, actually

you're not even fucking Danish.

No way.

Use that country to create a machine

that relies on the shittiness of people

to fuck over other people

and watch the whole world
go completely batshit.

Attention all Troll Trace workers.

Please report to assembly hall
one for a big announcement.

Completely fool everyone

and keep your real intentions
completely anonymous.

You would... deliberately
start World War III,

let the people of Denmark die,

set everyone on Earth
against each other?

Why?!

Because it's freakin' hilarious!

Getting a Scandinavian
country to fight trolls

by building a giant
machine that actually shows

everyone on Earth is
kind of a troll, too?

That's not funny.

That's not funny?!

Don't be a fag, dude.

That's real bro shit there.

Sorry to step on your
fucking dicks in the mouth

and tit jokes, you amateur little pussy.

Come on! Have some fucking balls!

You can't do this to people!

It's not right!

Listen to you.

All right, everyone.
Show's about to begin.

What the fuck is going on?

♪ Never gonna give you up,
never gonna let you down ♪

♪ Never gonna run
around and desert you ♪

- ♪ Never gonna make you cry...
- ♪ Wow. That's pretty impressive.

♪ ...never gonna say goodbye ♪

Wait!

Ike. It's time.

I don't know if I'm strong
enough to go through with this,

but it's the only way now.

I know.

Just remember... I always
loved you, little brother.

I love you, too, big brother.

Let's just get it over with.

Mommy.

Yes?

Suck my balls.

You're a fat bitch.

What?!

You get back here, you little monster!

I have had it with you!

Don't you run away from me, Ike!

Who do you think you are?!

Where is he? Where is your brother?

He's in the pantry.

Don't you try and hide from me now!

You are in big trouble, Ike!

What?! What, what?!

Kyle, you open this door right now!

- Ma. Mom, we are really sorry.
- Open this door!

But Ike and I need to do something,

and we have to be able
to use the computers.

What, what?! No computers!

Do not touch the computers!

We have to do this, Mom.

It's the only thing that
can save our family now.

You are done!

You hear me?! You are both done!