South Park (1997–…): Season 20, Episode 8 - Members Only - full transcript

Mr. Garrison deals with the aftermath of being elected President. Meanwhile, Gerald attempts to escape the wrath of being captured by Troll Trace and Cartman and Heidi prepare to go to Mars together.

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

The political world is watching,
Bannon.

We need to make sure
the President-elect has



a smooth transition.

All indications are
that his transition

is going to be fine.

We're just doing
some finishing touches,

but everything
went well.

You can see him now
if you like.

I'll go.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Air hissing ]

Well, do I look
presidential?

Honestly, you look
20 years younger.

They really worked on
my stank face.

Look -- Whenever I don't know
what people are talking about,

I can just do this.
Wait, look -- do this.



This is --
This is my stank face.

It's like I'm not listening
to you, see?

They did a really good job
on my stank lips.

It's an
amazing transition.

Now I feel ready
to take care of business

and do what really matters.

In just a minute. I'm gonna do
the UV rays a bit longer.

Can I help you?

Hello, I understand that you're
trying to get to Mars.

This is
my girlfriend, Heidi.

She's really smart
and really funny.

Okay.

We've given up
social media,

and we'd like to be
somewhere

as far from the Internet
as possible.

Is it true Mars would have
really shitty Wi-Fi?

That'd be
an understatement, yes.

Well, we'd like to go.

We can't tolerate
this world anymore,

and we'd like to talk to
whoever we can

about getting to Mars
as soon as possible, please.

Uh-huh. Take a number
and join the others.

What others?

[ Garbled and autotuned ]
♪ We are the... ♪

What the fuck
dude?!

A lot of people want
to leave the planet right now.

Aw, God damn it.
Is that Cher?!

♪ Do you believe
the world, oh ♪

God damn it!

How the fuck did this happen?
[ Knock on door ]

Uh, sorry, PC Principal, but
someone wants to speak with you.

I told you to leave me alone,
Mackey.

I'm not in the mood.

But -- But, sir...
the president-elect is here.

So sorry for the intrusion.

You're not too busy,
I hope.

Uh, n-not at all.

Please, uh, have a seat,
Mr. Garrison.

Excuse me?

Uh, please have a seat,
Mister...President.

That's better, bitch.

Certainly want to, uh,

congratulate you
on the election.

Do you remember the day
you fired me, PC Principal?

I know we've had
some differences, uh --

I was upset
because a bunch of immigrants

were changing my class,
and I believe your response was

that I needed to go
and learn their language,

be more open-minded.

I'm sorry that you're position
here at the school

was terminated.

Are you really?

Are you really sorry?

Because you see, PC Principal,
you helped create me.

You insisted that I was a bigot,

that I was an intolerant relic
left over from another time.

But now...I'm your president.

And if there's one thing
I've learned

about becoming President,

it's that your penis can get
really dry.

When all the skin on your penis
is drying out

from working so hard
to get elected,

there's only one thing
that can fix it, isn't there?

Saliva...from a good friend
who once doubted you.

I need you to fix my problem,
PC Principal,

so that we can be
even-stevens.

What do you say, buddy?

Oh, 'member when it fell
in her drink?

I 'member!

'Member when
Han shot Greedo?

Sure,
I 'member Greedo.

[ Chuckles ]
I 'member Greedo.
'Member?

What's the password,
'member?

Yeah, I 'member.
You 'member?

I 'member.

[ Indistinct conversations
and "'member"ing ]

[ Chuckles ]
'Member this place?

Sure, I 'member.

'Member
the Tantive IV?

Oh!
I love that ship!

Hi, it's us!
'Member?!

Us who?
I don't 'member.

We did the thing
with throwing Mickey

in the drink,
'member?

Oh, sure, I 'member.

That's 'cause of yous,
we won the election.

Yeah, yeah, 'member?

Waiter, round of drinks
for our heroes here, 'member?

I 'member!

You done good
poisoning the lady's drink.

Now our man is in office,
'member?

But I still have things
I need you to do.

[ Chuckles ]
I 'member.

Please! You have to
let me out of here!

Skankhunt, stop.

Troll Hunter:
Yes, please. You're making
a very jackass of yourself.

Well, well,
what do we have here?

Looks like
a little troll party.

You Danish pricks,
you tricked us!

We didn't trick you,
your own government did.

They thought
if they handed you over to us,

we would agree not to go forward
with the Troll Trace program.

You can't
hold people prisoner.

I haven't done anything.

People are gonna be
looking for me!

By all means...

contact whoever you want.

Of course, you'll have to
tell them why you're here.

What are you gonna
do with us?

We're going to use you
to set the world on fire.

When the servers go online,

there will be panic, chaos,
and war.

And from the ashes,
a new world will rise --

a world where everyone is
happy and a-singing

and has a-no secrets --
like Denmark!

You think you can turn countries
of the world against each other?

Our President will never
let that happen.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

Hey, everybody!

[ Vocalizes
"Hail to the Chief" ]

Guess who's here.

It's the President
of the United fucking States.

[ Feedback ]

Oh, it's been a while
since I've heard from you guys.

Hi, Janice.
Hello, Stephen.

Mr. President.

I was just, you know,
passing through

the old neighborhood
thinking about what laws

I might get rid of,
when suddenly out of nowhere,

my penis got really dry.

You know if they have anything
at this store for a dry dick?

Huh?

No?

You guys can't
think of anything?

Oh, I know.

What about Eduardo Hernandez?

I believe it was Eduardo
who told me

I couldn't double-bag
my groceries

even though he's from
fucking Guatemala.

Well, what do you
think now, Eduardo?

You want to double-bag
something else?

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

This is the President.

Sir, we need you
at the Pentagon.

It's a matter
of national security.

Oh, really?

I'm kind of busy
right now, geez.

Sir, the Danish have
released a statement.

I'm afraid we may be
going to war.

War?

[ Gunfire ]

Yep. Copy that.

[ Computer chimes ]

Ike! Ike, buddy,
can you hear me?

I need you
to do something, okay?

Daddy needs your help.

I need you to go to your browser

and sign on to the school
message board, okay?

Can you do that for me?

The school message board
and then log in.

Lower-case "s," "skankhunt42."

You got it?

Wow.

Wow, what?

He's gonna have his son
sign in and troll for him.

If Skankhunt is still
out there trolling,

then they have
the wrong guy, get it?

It's called
using your brain, fatso!

So, they'll
blame your kid?

Nobody cares
if a kid trolls.

What are they gonna do?
Get a slap on the wrist?

Didn't you hear
what that guy said?

They're gonna set countries
against each other.

We have
way bigger problems.

You don't know
my fucking wife.

Ike, you got it?

Great, pal.

Okay, now I need you to go to
the comments section, okay,

and type in "You should
all get raped by gorillas."

You got that, pal?

Ike, "You should
all get raped by gorillas."

Come on, we have
a lot work to do here.

Jesus, I didn't
think getting to Mars

would take this long.

You really think that this is
what we should do, babe?

I'm gonna miss everyone.

I know.
But it'll be worth it, babe.

We'll be left alone
to make our new world better.

Butters: Hey, Eric!

What the hell
are you doing here?

Well, I want to get
the fuck off this planet,

but they told me
I had to take a number.

Oh, no, no, no,
you're a male chauvinist

sexist pig, Butters.
You don't get to go to Mars.

No, you don't understand.
I've see the light.

I'm a changed man.

I thought boys
were being treated unfairly,

but now I know

shit's about
to get a lot worse.

Here we are.

Oh, yeah! I 'member.

Come on, everybody,
'member?

[ Indistinct talking ]

-'Member snowspeeders?
-Yeah, I 'member.

'Member not hearing?

'Member the invasion of Hoth?
[ Chuckles ]

'Member "You rebel scum"?
-I 'member.

Oh, 'member
the rebel transports?

-"We did it!" 'Member?
-Sure, I 'member.

What do we do now?
-Don't you 'member?

Ooh, I 'member.

Okay, now make sure the little
worm is in the woman's mouth.

You got it?

Now I need you to type "You're
a fat retard" in the comments.

"You're a retard."

No, you have to say
"a fat retard," Ike!

It's a nuance,
but it's very important!

"You are a fat wee-tard."

Ike!

What are you doing?!

What he says.

It was you
all this time!

What have you done, Ike?!

Do you have any idea
the damage you've caused?

How can my child
be such a monster?

[ Cellphone rings ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]
Yes, yes, hello.

Hey, sweetheart.
How's everything going?

You have to come home from
helping the government, Gerald.

I just caught Ike
trolling Mrs. Hererra.

Are you serious?

Yeah! The school troll is
our son, Gerald!

You should see all the things
he's posted on his computer!

God dang it!

Let me talk to him right now.

Hello?

Hey, Ike, just stay calm
and act like I'm yelling at you,

okay, pal?

Okay, give it a few seconds.

Wait.

Good. Okay, now -- now say,
"I'm sorry, Dad.

I guess I'm just
fucked up inside."

No!

Ike, you have
to listen to me.

On your mother's life, this is
a matter of national security.

You have to say,
"I'm sorry, Dad.

I guess I'm just
fucked up inside."

I'm sorry, Dad.
I'm just fucked up inside.

That was amazing, kiddo.
It'll all be worth it, okay?

I'll make this up to you.
Give me back to your mom.

Gerald?

He's full of shit.

He's not sorry.
If he felt sorry,

he wouldn't be able
to do it in the first place.

I know!

I'm gonna get home
as soon as I can

to deal with this, okay?

We can deal with this together.

Just don't say anything
to anyone for now, all right?

Okay.

Okay, yeah,
I love you, too.

I know. Bye.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

You just sit in here until
we figure out what to do.

And if you get back on
that computer, you are done!

You got it?

[ Door slams ]

Ike, okay, there's just
a few more things

I need you to do.

I need you to type
"How'd you like a donkey dick?"

Welcome to
the Pentagon, sir.

I've been ordered
to show you around.

This way, please.

So, I can do whatever
the fuck I want

in here now, right?

Yes, sir. Here are
all our military secrets

and all classified
information.

Okay, good.

This is
the drone program.

In there, you can kill
anyone on earth remotely.

Here's the keys.

Thanks.

In here is
satellite surveillance

where you can monitor
anyone's conversation live.

Oh, that'll come in handy.

Extreme interrogation room
in case you ever find

interrogation necessary.

Oh, hell yeah, it's necessary.
Let's do it.

And here, of course,
is the famous football,

where you can order
a nuclear attack

in four minutes.

Love me some football.

And finally, in here
is the diplomatic strategy

and negotiating room.

[ Alarms beeping ]

Oh, geez, this doesn't
look very fun.

Thank God you're here, sir.

We need your guidance.

♪ Loo, loo, loo,
I've got some apples ♪

♪ Loo, loo, loo,
you've got some, too ♪

Butters, butters.
You expect people to believe

that you went from being
the biggest asshole

in the school to
a soft-hearted feminist like me?

Fat chance.

No, no, believe me,
I'm a changed man.

Girls are really smart,
and they'll be

running the country soon,
and they deserve total respect.

Yeah?
You just forgot one thing --

that women are funny, too.

That didn't occur to you,
did it, Butters?

Well, I don't think
there was ever any question

women are funny.

Remember that movie
"9 to 5"

with Lily Tomlin
and Dolly Parton?

Oh, yeah,
that movie was funny.

Well, I laughed my butt off,
and it never even occurred to me

that they were women.

I don't know
why things changed.

I don't know why people
make such a big deal

about women in comedy now.

I mean, what about
Carol Burnett?

She was great!

Wow, I guess you're right.

Yeah, and I mean,
when women make vagina jokes,

I think it's
the funniest thing ever.

Yeah, I swear I don't care
how many times

Amy Schumer
talks about her vagina,

I laugh every time.

Oh, I see
what you're doing.

-What, babe?
-Oh, nothing, babe.

I'm just -- Do you think
you could tell me some jokes?

[ Chuckles ]
Why do you want me

telling you jokes
all the time?

Because you're
fucking hilarious.

Well, did I tell you
the one about the skeleton

and the skunk?

[ Laughs ]
That's already funny!

[ Alarms beeping ]

All around the world,
countries are mobilizing armies

and preparing
defensive countermeasures.

Why?
What the hell happened?

This is everything
you need to know

about the Troll Trace
program.

What's Troll Trace?

A plan by the Danish
to release

the full Internet histories
of everyone on earth.

The previous administration
tried to work with the Danish

by handing over several trolls,
but the plan didn't work.

The entire world has become
very uncertain and unstable.

We think we should order all
navy vessels to the Bering Sea.

For what?

Because when the Chinese
are able to see all our e-mails

and online activity,
we believe they will

most likely attack us.

Also, there are ground troops
mobilizing in Paris

because the French believe
when we see all their e-mails,

we will most likely
attack them.

Mr. President, sir.

The Russians are asking
what we intend to do

about the Danish.

Well, why
are you asking me?

Please, sir, we have
very little time

before this escalates
beyond our control.

[ Russian accent ]
President Putin.

[ Telephone rings ]

'Member the Death Star?

[ Laughs ] 'Member
cutting open tauntauns?

Yeah, yeah,
'member the Force?

[ Chuckles ]

Sure, I 'member.

Hey, hey, hey,
'member the Cold War?

Ooh, I love the Cold War.

That was fantastic.

Okay, numbers 204 through 215,
you can come on through.

Oh, finally!

Hey, that's me, too!
Yippee!

Right in here,
everyone.

Hello, everyone,
and welcome to the tour.

I'm Elon Musk.

Are we gonna have
some fun today?

Oh, great,
a stupid tour guide.

Can we just talk
to someone important, please?

We want to go to Mars.

And getting anywhere
takes ingenuity.

Oh, Mrs. Door, would you mind
opening, please?

Woman:
[ Robotic ] Yes, Elon.

[ Clicking ]

[ Jingle plays ]

♪♪

The only way
for humankind to survive

is with imagination
and technology --

Cars that run
on electricity.

Solar panels that replace
roof shingles.

Even food
that changes form.

You see this?
It's a pizza --

Only four inches long,
and yet when heated,

it expands to make enough pizza
to feed 100 people.

I call it
the Pizza Pocket.

[ Whispering ]
They already have pizza pockets.

Who would like to see
the Hyperloop,

a new mode of travel
that can take you from here

to Dubai
in nine minutes?

Excuse me, Mr. Musk.

This is all
super interesting and shit,

but can we see
the Mars rocket now?

Sir, India's moving
aircraft carriers

into the Gulf of Mexico.

Well, why would we care
about Mexicans?

Sir, a message
from Saudi Arabia.

They say
they pinky promise

not to look up
our Internet history

if we pinky promise
not to look up theirs.

Well, what does that
even mean?!

Still waiting on if we should
send troops into Japan, sir.

I don't know!
Geez!

Sir, it's the U.K.
Secretary of Foreign Affairs

calling from London.

He says they have advice
for you.

What?!

Yes, hello.

Things aren't
looking good here.

We just want to say whatever
you do, don't eat the mem'bries.

Don't eat the mem'bries!
They're bad!

Mem'bries?

I'm afraid everyone here
who ate the mem'bries

wanted to go back in the past,
you see?

Hasn't worked out
too well for us.

We shouldn't have ate
the mem'bries.

The mem'bries cloud
your judgment.

They get inside your head,
you see?

"Get inside your head."

Wait a minute!

Nobody gets in my head,
you limey bitch!

Are you insulting me?!

Stop wasting my time,

'cause I'll have you here
on a plane

in five hours
sucking my dick!

What'd he say?

I believe they've eaten
the mem'bries.

Oh, dear!
Oh, dear!

[ Jingle plays ]
Here you see our Falcon 9
full-thrust rockets.

They are actually able
to take off into space

and land safely
back on earth for reuse.

Well, I certainly want
to thank you all

for joining our tour today.

You've been a wonderful group.

Give yourselves
a round of applause.

Huh?
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

What about
going to Mars?

Mars? We're still about 10 years
away from going to Mars.

Maybe 8.
Oh!

No. No, no, no, no,
we have to go now.

Well, I'm sorry,
but it's a bit more complicated

than a Pizza Pocket.

Going to Mars is gonna take
a lot of very smart people

working very hard
for a very long time.

Now, if you don't mind, I have
hundreds of more tours to do.

Mr. Musk, wait!

Maybe we can help you
get to Mars sooner.

I'm not sure if you know
our friend, Heidi.

She's really smart
and really funny.

Like...how funny?

♪ Gonna take a lot
to take me away from you ♪

♪ There's nothing that a hundred
men or more could ever do ♪

[ Ah-oogah! ]

[ Ah-oogah! ]

[ Ah-oogah! ]

Out of the way,
'member?

You better 'member, if you know
what's good for yous.

[ Swing music playing ]

Hey, look!
It's him, 'member?

Sure, I 'member!

Ah, yous did good.

Who's in charge,
'member?

We decided
he's in charge.

No, we said I'm
in charge, 'member?

No, wait, I 'member.
We all said he's in charge.

Oh, yeah,
I 'member.

Wrong.

Waaaah!

'Member stormtroopers?

Sure, I 'member.

Not those stormtroopers!
The real old ones.

People want to 'member?
They're gonna 'member.

Ike?

What are you doing?

Don't talk to him!
He is in big trouble!

What'd he do?

It's him, Kyle!

Your brother is
the Internet troll

who's caused all this pain
in our community.

What?
It was him all along.

Now we have to figure out
what to tell people

when they learn this ugliness
came from our family.

You made people
quit Twitter?

You started a war
between boys and girls?

You...

Heidi:
I call it emoji analysis.

It isn't a student,
it's an adult.

This ugliness came
from our family.

I think
it's one of the parents.

You're supposed to just laugh
and make fun of shit.

Daddy called you
a pussy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Ike, come on!

Kyle?!

Ike?!

[ Echoing ]
What, what, whaaat?!

Look -- Whenever I don't know
what people are talking about,

I can just do this.
Wait, look -- do this.

This is --
This is my stank face.

It's like I'm not listening
to you, see?

They did a really good job
on my stank lips.

It's an
amazing transition.