South Park (1997–…): Season 17, Episode 2 - Informative Murder Porn - full transcript

I'm goin'
down to South Park

Gonna have myself a time

- Friendly faces everywhere

Humble folks
without temptation

I'm goin'
down to South Park

Gonna leave my woes behind

- Ample parking day or night

People spouting,
"Howdy neighbor"

Headin' on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind

Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine

Unless we come together
as a country



and realize that refugees
from Syria

should be considered in need-

Boo!
Boo, Wendy.

Boo, Wendy Testaburger, boo.

Refugees from Syria
should be considered in need

of international protection.

Boo, Wendy, boo!
Boo, Wendy.

The vast majority
of refugees from Syria

are likely to meet
refugee status-

- Boo, Wendy Testaburger, boo!

Boo, Wendy.
Liar.

- Instead of booing my opinion,

why don't you make
a constructive argument?

I'm not booing your opinion.
I'm booing your report topic.



No one even knows
what a re-fuge-e is.

Boo! Boo, bad, boo.

Mr. Garrison, can you do
something about this, please?

Mr. Garrison?

Huh? Oh.
Oh, sorry, Wendy.

Uh, very nicely done.
Thank you.

Okay, next report.
Let's have Peter Mullen.

- Ugh! Jesus!

My report is on the vile
and despicable trash

that our parents are watching
on television.

Fellow students,
there is a plague of smut

on our cable boxes.

Shows that feature reenactments
of unsolved crimes

and spousal homicides.

I'm talking, of course,
about murder porn.

- Murder porn?
- That's more like it.

According
to the Nielsen ratings,

viewership in shows
like Cold Case Files,

Date Line Murder,
and Deadly Affairs

is skyrocketing
amongst married couples.

The increased viewership
has brought about

a whole new slew of shows
that use graphic sex

and innuendo to make
spousal murder more titillating.

Shows like
Southern-Fried Homicide,

Sinful Secrets,
On the Case with Paula Zahn.

And it's all smut, and
it's garbage, and it's trash!

Ah-ahem.

Your parents are watching
this stuff.

Go home and ask them,
and as we ask them,

we must also ask ourselves,

if they're obsessed
with this stuff,

then how long, how long
before one of our daddies

dresses up in lingerie
and bashes Mommy's head in

with a brick?

Oh, crap!
Who could that be?

Oh, it's probably fucking Stan.

Uh, hang on a second, bud.

Come on in.

Oh, hey, Stan, what's up?

His wife is having sex
with the neighbor,

and when her husband
comes home,

he wants more
than just a divorce.

" Ugh!
" Aah!

You guys are watching
murder porn?

- Murder porn?

Stan, this is just
an investigative crime show.

- Adults like documentaries.

Yeah, Stan.
These are based on real things.

This is like news.
It's informative.

Parents like informative stuff.

- Okay-

Oh, we missed the murder!
Did he cut them up?

- What's up, dude?

- Dude, do you know Aaron Hagan?

- Uh, yeah, the first-grader?

You should come down
to his house.

His dad just killed his mom.

- What?

Aah!

Hey, that kid
should not be seeing this.

- What happened?

You're making a mistake.
Let me go.

It wasn't me, I tell you.

A burglar broke in.
He was black.

He's the one who stabbed that
nagging bitch in her fat face.

He was black!

Guys. guys,
I know we're all concerned,

but we have to work together.

How is this stuff
allowed to stay on the air?

The police found hours
and hours of murder porn

on the Hagans' DVR.

What more proof do we need?

I called the networks that
are putting this smut out there,

and you know what they told me?

They told me if I didn't want
my parents watching,

then I should spend
more time with them.

Like it's my fault.

This is the result
of a broken society

in which profit
comes before morals.

- Boo.

Boo, Wendy Testaburger, boo.

Look, everybody, I know
we all feel our hands are tied,

but the fact is,
we can do something about this.

There's an app
which can actually allow kids

to block things that their
parents watch on television.

And it is password-protected
with a security code

that only a child would know.

- Tonight at 10:00,

it's a tale of lust,
seduction, and murder

on Sexy Betrayals.

Then at 7:00,
some like their murder

with a side of sexy biscuits

on Southern-Fried Homicide.

But now get ready for lust,
betrayal, and murder

on Hot Load Case Files
- Aah!

Oh, yeah, three
of the best shows in a row.

- Is the lube over there?

- Yeah, I got lube right here.

- Well, get over here, big guy.

Yeah!

- What the-what the hell?

Yeah, hi, Uh.

We aren't getting
our informative murder porn.

No, no, none of our channels

that have informative murder
porn appear to be working.

Yeah, the screen just says,

"How do you tame
a horse in Minecraft?"

Uh, yes, we do have children.

A what?

A parental lock?

Stan! Stan!

How do you tame a horse
in Minecraft?

- What?

What is Minecraft, and how
do you tame a horse in it?

You guys don't need to be
watching that stuff.

Oh, come on,
you can't block your parents

from watching
informative murder porn.

What, you think if we watch
shows about married people

killing each other all the time,
we're gonna go out and do it?

That's stupid.

I'm not gonna go out
and kill your mom

just because I watch
Investigative Discovery, Stan.

It'd be impossible to clear away
all the DNA evidence anyway.

Even if hired
someone else to kill her,

I'd have to kill
that person too,

because 96% of the time

that person eventually
tells the truth.

I've thought this through a lot.

Stan?

You're a lousy kid!

I wish Jaden Smith was my son!

Who do our children
think they are,

blocking our TV content?

How are they able to do this
with their smartphones?

- It's all right.

Our kids think
they outsmarted us,

but we're the ones
who pay the cable company.

What'd they say?

Can they remove
the parental lock?

No, they just did their usual
cable company runaround.

What?
We'll see about this.

Excuse me.

Our content is being blocked,
and we need it now.

I'm sorry, sir,
if you need it now,

perhaps you should switch
to another cable company.

Oh, there's not another
cable company, is there?

Oh, that's right,
we're the only one in town.

Look, if our kids
can block content,

then you must be able
to block them.

As we told the others, sir,
we can fix it.

We just need to send
a technician out to your house

to change out your cable box.

- Oh, okay, great.

We just need to find a window
of time you can be home.

How about between the hours
6:00 a.m. And 3:00 p.m.

all of November?

No, I can't wait around
my house

from 6:00 a.m. To 3:00 p.m.
all of November!

Oh, you can't?
Jeez, that's too bad.

You need to be home
for the technician.

Have you thought
of switching to DirecTV?

- I can't afford DirecTV.

- Oh, you can't?

Jeez, that's terrible.

Then I guess you just have
to work within our time windows.

- Well, any luck'?

No, just the usual
cable company stuff.

Oh, well,
guess we'll just have to live

without our informative
crime dramas.

- No, screw that.

Can't we just learn
this Minecraft game

so we can get around
our kids' parental lock?

- I've tried!

It's not like other video games.

I really don't get it.

It was all retro and like Legos,

but then a bunch of kids online
called me a grief er

and kicked me off.

- We can learn, Randy.

There's talk of a child.

Word is he will teach
Minecraft to anybody

for the right price.

- Hello?

- Hi. Corey Lanskin?

- Yes.

We heard that you're willing
to teach Minecraft to adults.

- Fuck off!

Look, we were told
that you're available for hire,

and we're desperate.

- You was told wrong, misser.

I'm just a simple kid

with a simple passion
for simple things.

- We have 100 ounces of silver.

Wipe your feet
and turn off your cell phones.

Now, we're going to select
an empty world.

Selecting an empty world

will begin you being dropped
onto a beach.

Now you're free to roam around
and start punching trees.

- Punching trees?

- Why would we punch trees?

- Just use your fucking brain.

How do you get wood?

Watching
informative murder porn?

No, no! In this Minecraft
forest, how do you get wood?

- Punching trees?

- Right.

You punch the trees
to get the wood.

You get the wood
to build a cabin.

- Oh, I see.

So when does the game start?

You are playing the game.
This is the game!

- I don't get it.

That's because
you're thinking like a dad.

Minecraft-
it don't got no winner.

It don't got no objective.

You're just
fucking building shit

and seeing if other things
can come and knock it down.

Now, let's click
on the inventory,

and let's filter
through the skins.

- Yes, I'm getting it now.

- You are?
- No.

Randy, it's getting late.
Let's just go to sleep.

- I almost got it, Sharon.

I found out where the horse is.

Now I just got to figure out
how to tame one.

I'm really not
in the mood now anyway.

Sharon, I miss
being intimate with you.

Everything was so passionate,
and then it just dropped off.

I feel like
we're losing our bond.

We don't have to have sex
for our relationship to be good.

No, I know, but it's like
we're just good friends.

A marriage has to be
more than that.

A marriage has to include
fulfillments of fantasy

and desire sometimes.

Magma cube?
What the hell is a magma cube?

- Well, I'm going sleep, Randy.

Okay, I'll wake you up
if we get our murder porn back.

- There he is.

Hey, Kyle, the parental lock
isn't working.

Our parents are still
watching murder porn.

What?
How do you know?

I caught my parents
over at Bebe's house

Watching Seductive Homicides,

but Bebe bought the lock
from the cable company.

- It's true.

I walked in on my parents
watching Marital Murder Mayhem.

They broke
the parental lock somehow.

That's impossible. You guys
sure you set it up right?

- You guys?

You guys,
you better get over here.

- What?
- Butters' dad killed his mom.

- Butters, what happened?

I was out by the lake
last night,

and I saw my dad
out in this field.

He was harvesting sugar cane.

It didn't make any sense,

because he was trying to harvest
the sugar cane with a hammer.

I saw him take my mom
up to the top of this big...

thing he had built,
and I yelled,

"Hey, watch out
for the creeper," but she fell.

Wait. Wait.
You mean in Minecraft?

Yeah, and then my dad
just went berserk

and came over and picked me up
and threw me down a well!

I was trapped down there
all night!

Butters, your dad
threw you down a well?

- In Minecraft.
- What the hell is that?

I finally built a ladder, and
I was able to hoist myself out,

and there was my dad,
frozen in the lake.

It was like he had no idea
how to swim out of it.

Oh, God, it was so terrible!

It was so terrible!
- That's it.

That's how our parents
broke the passcode.

I never thought anyone
would stoop so low.

- What do you mean?

Somebody's teaching
our parents Minecraft.

- Yes?
- Hello, sir.

Had a little incident
last night.

Wondering if you saw
or heard anything.

- No. What happened?

Well, someone broke into your
next-door neighbor's backyard,

and they dug up a bunch
of holes and punched his trees.

- Punched his trees, huh?

Yes, sir, then we got a house
across the street

where someone dug up the yard
and built a cabin.

- Huh. That's weird.

What were you doing
last night?

I was just playing Mine-
m-my banjo.

- I play the banjo too.

Well, thanks
for your time, sir.

You might want to keep the
lights on in your yard tonight

in case someone tries to build
a cabin on it as well.

Will do, officer.
Will do.

All right, all right.
Let's calm down.

I know we're all concerned here.

- Concerned?

Thanks to you
and your stupid app,

parents are still watching
murder porn,

and now they're screwing up
Minecraft too.

I spent three hours last night
trying to get Tweek's parents

to stop griefing my castle.

When I finally got away
from them,

I found they had taken
all my dandelions.

Why did we agree
to that stupid app?

- You know why!

Because we're trying
to keep our parents

from watching murder porn.

- And why was that?

Because one kid's dad actually
went and killed his mom.

For all we know, that kid's
parents had been doing drugs

and cheating on each other
for years.

Maybe watching murder porn
had nothing to do with it.

- I have to agree with Cartman.

Maybe we overreacted
when the parents-

- Boo!

Boo, Wendy, boo.

- It's true, dude.

Maybe we just need to trust
that our parents won't act out

what they see.

All right, that's enough.

Come on out, and there
won't be any trouble.

Give it up, Stotch.
You have nowhere to run.

- Huh?

- I'll never give up.

I don't even remember
doing this.

Just leave me alone!

Ha ha!
Nice one, Stotch.

Your castle fucking sucks!

- Ah, go to hell, you grief er!

All right,
we got to do something.

- Hello?

- Corey Lanskin?
- Yes.

We heard that you might be
teaching Minecraft to adults.

What?
What-what's a Minecraft?

Look, dude, we're trying
to keep our parents away

from graphic television shows.

This could be a matter
of life and death.

- No, please don't be angry.

My mommy always angry.

"Get back in the meat locker! "

Ouchie, ouchie!
Mommy rape my no-no!

But she love me, right?
Mommy love me?

- All right, sorry, kid.

Guess we have the wrong house.

- Okay-

Bye.

- What, dude?

Something he said.
Did you hear him?

He said, "Ouchie, ouchie.
Mommy rape my no-no."

- $0?

So, if I'd been caught lying
about something,

that's exactly
what I would have said.

Now that you've built
a workbench,

it's time to go and build
something to take care

of all those fucking sheep.

Just stop thinking with your
grown-up brains and start using-

- Aha!
- Oh, shit!

Son of a bitch!

Don't you think there are
enough griefers in the world

without our parents
being shown this stuff?

A kid's got to find some way
to make a living, don't he?

You have no idea
what this is about, do you?

We were using Minecraft
to block our parents

from watching
spousal homicide shows.

What, you mean like
Investigative Discovery?

- So you know it.
- Yeah, I've seen that stuff.

Who the Bleep Did I Marry?

True Crime with Aphrodite Jones.

Real sick shit.

Your parents watch that stuff?

We put a stop to it until
you taught them Minecraft.

Your problem
ain't with me, mates.

Sure, one or two people
might act out

what they see in video games,
but cable television?

People copy everything
they see people do on cable.

You're going about this
all wrong.

You want to protect your family,

you're gonna have to go fight
the cable company.

- Hey, guys, can I help you?

Hello.
There are certain networks

that we see as harmful
to our families,

and we want them
removed, please.

Oh, you don't want cable
anymore?

- No, no, just ID network,

A&E, Oxygen,
and Oprah's network,

all the ones with murder porn.

You don't like paying
for all the channels?

Oh, our company actually
packages channels together.

- Well, can you unpackage them

so we only get the channels
we want?

Oh, I'm sorry. Our company
doesn't work that way.

You want me to give you
the number

of a different cable company
that can-

Oh, wait.
We're it, aren't we?

Dang it.

Guess you have to deal
with our packages.

Can we talk
to your supervisor, please?

Oh, sure.
Hey, David.

Hi.
Is there a problem here?

We want specific networks
dropped from our cable.

Ah, you have to pay
for the bundle.

You can't just pay
for what you want to watch.

Darn it!

You mean that we're forced
to pay for the Oprah channel?

I guess if you don't want
to be forced to pay for Oprah,

you'd have to shut off
your cable altogether.

Fine. Then we'll shut
our cable off altogether.

Hey, Mitch,
when can you get out

to shut off some cable boxes?

Oh, man, it's gonna be,
like, three weeks.

There's a whole plug
I have to pull out.

It's, like, four inches long.

- Three weeks, huh?

Okay, is three weeks from now
okay with you guys?

- No, that's way too long.

- Oh, it is?

- Oh, jeez, that's terrible.

God damn it,
I just don't want my parents

to murder each other!

Can't you see
that all we're trying to do

is keep our families safe?

Look, I don't know
if seeing couples

murder each other on television
is gonna make my parents do it,

and we probably won't be able
to stop them from watching

what they want to watch.

All we're trying to do

is make it a little more
difficult for them,

because cable makes it
so convenient.

Sure, if they didn't have
easy access

to their murder-porn channels,
they'd be bummed out,

but it's not just
our responsibility to give them

what they want, is it?

- Say-say that last part again?
- What?

What was the last part
you said?

I said it's not
our responsibility

to give them what they want.
- No, no, the part...

about your parents
not getting the channels easily.

I said it would
really bum them out.

How-how much
would it bum them out?

Ladies and gentlemen,
please stand by

for an important message

from the president
of your local cable company.

- Hello.

In an effort to comfort

the anguished cries
of children everywhere,

your local cable company
has decided to drop

all networks that sexualize
spousal homicides

from regular programming.

Customers still wishing
to view true-crime networks

will now need to purchase
a separate package...

which will require a technician
to service your cable box

every night
from 2:00 to 3:00 a.m.

and must include the purchase
of 300 channels in Portuguese.

We realize this may be
an inconvenience to you,

and we hope you will voice
all your concerns to us,

because at your local company,

the customer
is always our bitch.

Jaden Smith lets his parents
do whatever they want.

You know what?

The guys at work,
they took a bet on who would win

in a fight, you or Jaden Smith,

and they all said Jaden Smith
could kick your ass.

He does movies, and he can sing,

and he's totally cool
to his parents.

Well, then maybe you should
go live with Jaden Smith, Dad.

- I wish I could!

I wish I could live
with Jaden Smith,

so I could be rich,
and I wouldn't have to live

in a boring, sexless marriage,

where all your mom and I do
is piss each other off!

Oh, crap.

Sharon, I-I'm sorry.

- No, you're right, Randy.

Without any sex, we just seem
to get madder and madder

at each other.

No.
No, you're right, Sharon.

We don't need
informative murder porn

to find passion in our marriage.

We just have to get
the spark back.

Let's go away somewhere,
me and you,

somewhere exciting and beautiful
where we can just focus on us.

Sharon?

Hey, Sharon, are you here?

- I'm here, Randy.

- It's beautiful, isn't it?

Come on over here.
I built us a fire.

Look what I got you.

Diamonds.
They're beautiful.

- Just thought I'd surprise you,

and there's more
where that came from.

I've got a surprise
for you too, Randy.

Oh, yeah?
What's that?

- Ha-aah!

- Aghhh!

Sharon,
what the effing fuck was that?

Sorry.
I couldn't resist.

Jesus, you stuck a pickax
right in my skull!

Oh, I did.
That felt really great.

- Felt great?
- Yeah.

Hold on. Stay by the lake.
I want to kill you now.

- Okay-

Oh, my God, you put that sword
right through my face.

- That felt so good.

- My turn again.
- Okay, hang on.

I've always thought about
murdering you in your sleep.

Can you go to the cabin
and get in bed?

Yeah, okay,
I'm heading there now.

- You lazy jerk!

You never do anything
around the house!

Oh!
Oh, you bitch! Oh!

Oh, I love you, Randy.

I love you too, babe.
Oh!