South Park (1997–…): Season 17, Episode 1 - Let Go, Let Gov - full transcript

I am so sick of that stupid bitch.

Blabbing, prissy little skank!

Why do people talk on
the phone like that?

I can't even get a minute of peace

before that bitch walks in holding
the cell phone out like this

and talking on speakerphone.

Nobody wants to hear your goddamn
conversations you little bitch,

you're not that important!

Yeah, no dude,

I'm telling you it was
the worst pain in my entire life.

How many hours were you guys playing?



Like six hours dude.

And my friends were all like 'dude

Cartman we need you to
keep playing defense.'

urhggh!

You were playing football?

Yeah but I was like,
'I can't you guys,

I twisted my ankle'.

In the end though
they really needed me to play

so I played through the pain.

Know what I'm saying?

That is not what happened

you totally started
crying and quit the game!

Kyle, this is a private conversation!

Then take that shit off speakerphone!



Is that that same kid?

Yeah it's that kid Kyle again.

He's a total boner.

Always listening in
on my phone calls.

How do we have a choice?

Stop listening to
my conversation Kyle!

What are you, the NSA?

Lawrence, remember I was telling

how the government listens to

everyone's phone calls
and reads all our emails?

Yeah, yeah you said that.

My dad said the government
keeps a data base on everyone.

- Who is that? Is that Toby?
- Yeah.

Dude, Toby are you
over at Lawrence's?

Yeah we're ditching school.

You're what? What'd you say?

Me and Toby are ditching school.

I'm telling you guys

the government thinks
they can do whatever they want

and we don't have
any privacy anymore.

Just between you and me,

I think everyone is too stupid to see

what this is all leading to.

Did you guys read 1984?

I don't think so.

Yeah, I didn't read either

but I saw the puppet show
version at Casa Bonita.

We have to do something about this.

We need to organize a rally.

That'd be cool.

That'd be what?

It'd be cool.

I know right,
a big rally to tell the government

to stay out of our private lives!

I'm gonna email everybody
and put it up on my blog pages.

I seriously feel like
I'm being spied on right now.

I'm sure the government has
a file on me a mile long

that's why this is so important,
you know?

Hang on I'm gonna make a video blog

for my 'Stop Listening
To Me' website.

Wassup everybody it's me again
just kickin' it at my school.

There's gonna be a big rally

to tell the government to stop
gathering information on us.

Gonna tweet you all the details

but keep it quiet
cuz it's top secret.

You guys gonna update your blogs too?

Dude I can't really hear you Lawrence

are you outside or something?

I said I got
your tweet of the address.

Okay. Well, put Toby back
on the phone you gotta start

googling everyone
the directions to the rally site.

Toby you there, bro?

Yeah, I'm here bro.

Bro you gotta, um,
email Dex about the rally

and see if he'll
bring petition forms.

Will you please take your rally
conversation somewhere else?

Oh hell no you did not just
invade my privacy again.

That is the last straw Kyle!

Everybody!

Everybody, hey!

Just so you know

we might have an NSA agent
right here at our school.

What's the NSA?

Just so you know.

The government is watching
everything you do.

Always watching.

They say it's to keep us safe,

but what price is safety, Kyle?

The government watches
everything we do?

Hello?

Hey government.

It's me.

Butters.

I just wanna say, wul,

thanks for watchin' over me
and doing everything you do.

And please watch
over Mommy and Daddy.

And my friends Stan and Kyle,

Craig and Token.

And even ol' Eric Cartman.

I know he can be a meany sometimes,

but please watch over him too.

G'night government.

Oh yeah!

And thank you President Obama

for making me feel
so safe and looked after.

And if it wouldn't
be too much trouble,

I'd really like to get
a puppy for Christmas this year.

Night, government!

Dude they have gone
too far this time!

There is no doubt
the government is tracking me.

We're gonna have to
put off the rally.

They're spying on you?

Yeah it's right here.

I went to Amazon to see if
they had grand theft auto five

and it says '

you might also be interested
in the Blu-Ray for Star Trek.'

I'm totally interested in
the Blu-Bay for Star Trek.

How did they know that unless

the government is keeping tabs on me?

This is war bro.

Forget the rally.

We have to go hardcore.

Like what?

Alright. Listen,

I'm gonna get a job at the NSA

and then I'm going to put all
their secrets up on Twitter.

Nah don't do that.

No dude,

I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters
disguised as an employee

and I'm gonna ... hang ...
hang on a second, Lawrence.

I think we have a nosey
Nancy in the room.

Dude, my Twitter account
might already be compromised.

If I'm going to infiltrate the NSA

and get all
their secrets out to the public

then I'm gonna need something
better than Twitter.

You need that new thing
where you don't need to type.

What they already something
better than Twitter?

You haven't you seen
the Alec Baldwin commercial?

No. What Alec Baldwin commercial?

Hello, I'm Alec Baldwin.

And I love social media.

But sometimes I accidentally
tweet things that are homophobic.

I don't think that way,

I just type that way.

That's when I realized,

it wasn't me that was homophobic.

It was my thumbs,

and they needed to be gotten rid of.

Dah!

Dowwww!

So then the problem was,

I don't have thumbs,

but I know that everyone in America

still wants to hear
everything I have to say.

Well, that's okay

because now there's a device

that can actually take
the thoughts in your head,

and send them directly
to the Internet.

It's called Shitter.

Wires are grafted
harmlessly into your skull

and any thought you have

is uploaded to the Internet

and on to all your Shitter followers.

I'm at a Yankees game right now.

God I love baseball.

People who take their cats
on planes should be shot.

I'm at a really great
musical right now.

In 1992,
I had sex with the Queen of Monaco.

I had my entire fist up her ass.

Don't let your social
media slow down your need

to communicate with the world.

Go direct from thought
to Internet with Shitter.

Just finished my Shitter commercial.

Time to do find a pussy sandwich.

Alright. Wassup everybody wassup.

I'm about ready to go
to the NSA undercover

and see if I can expose
some of their secrets.

You can follow me on
my Shitter account

Wait! Shh.

I gotta be careful.

Kyle is here and I'm pretty
sure he's trying to listen in.

What the hell are you doing?

Kyle, if you wouldn't mind,

this broadcast is for
my Shitter followers only.

What's Shitter?

Don't know if you've heard,
but the government is

actually able to monitor all
our emails and Twitter accounts.

With Shitter,
I don't even need a cel phone,

my thoughts are sent
directly to the Internet,

and then to everyone else on Shitter.

Wow!

Yes.

Now as I infiltrate the NSA

I'll be able to broadcast everything
to all my Shitter followers.

You're okay with everything you
think going up on the Internet.

Yeah because the government
won't respect my privacy!

How many people are on Shitter?

Just two so far.

Me and Alec Baldwin.

I'm about to sit down
and eat a sandwich

at this amazing deli run
by two faggots in Chelsea.

Oh kewl.

I'll have to try it
out sometime. Lol.

In 1982 I was at a party
at Mike Douglas'house

and I Kim Basinger.

Wow, that's cool.

She's cute, wink emoji.

Oh my God.

Oh God they saw me.

They saw me and they're
gonna be so angry.

Maybe they didn't see me!

No,

no they saw me,

they see everything.

I did something really bad.

Really, really bad.

Next!

Oh God!

But my parents always told me,

"if you do something horrible

then you have to admit
it to your protector

so that you can have forgiveness."

Are these people nice?

DMV people?

There the meanest
people on planet earth.

Oh geez.

Oh God!

Here we go.

I yelled at a midget.

I was watching MTV,

and this little person
was singing a song,

I think her name was pink

and I didn't like the song

and so I yelled 'hey
get off TV you midget!'

and I, uh,

I was at Barnes
and nobles with my mom.

And while she was looking for a book,

I saw this picture of Jennifer
Lawrence in a magazine.

Um, and I ... wul,

I cut the picture out of
the magazine while no one was looking.

There's more.

I took the picture home with me.

And I ... I cut Jennifer Lawrence's
mouth out with scissors.

And then I ... I put
my wiener through the hole.

I have no idea why!

How can I atone for it?

I already said the pledge
of allegiance 50 times!

And I sang 'my country tis
of thee' a hundred times,

and I watched 'America's
Got Talent' twice!

What else can I do?

Why not a thousand
'Living In Americas'.

Yes! Yes I will!

Oh thank you!

I will!

Oh I feel so much better already!

Livin' in America

eye to eye

hand to hand

across the nation
smoke track fat back!

Many miles of railroad track!

Say ow ow!

Can I help you sir?

Yes, I'm here to
apply for the NSA job.

Alright. And your name?

Bill Clinton.

I don't see you on the list,
Mr. Clinton.

Oh. Well, must be a clerical mistake,
but they are expecting me.

If you're ever in Los Angeles

be sure to look up
Jennifer Love Hewitt.

She can make a pussy sandwich

that will give those faggots in
Chelsea a run for their money.

What have you got, Patricia?

Uh, this man says he has
an interview for a job, sir.

I am extremely qualified
sir and very eager to work.

I borrowed my brothers
dick once to Daryl Hannah.

I, uh, was sure
the appointment was today.

That's quite alright.

The NSA needs all the help it can get

come on upstairs
and I'll show you around

see if you'll fit for the job.

Hello, sir.

My colleague and I are
going sru the neighborhood

and see if you like to know the truth.

Sure I love the truth!

Okay. We from the Jehovah's Witness

we are kingdom hall of Jehovah's
Witness and we believe,

sir that maybe people
the interpret the Bible wong.

What's a Jehovah's Witness?

Yes sir, we believe the ... the truth.

I was once like you
I not know what to believe

but then I let my provider
Jehovah into my heart.

Oh my goodness.

Your little cartoon
has a girl on fire!

Yes, because Jehovah will bring
judgment and all will perish,

like the little girl
will burn in the fire.

Oh you shouldn't be handing
out drawings like this, ma'am.

Don't you know
that the government is watching you?

The government watching me?

Whazze?

He said the government watching us.

Right now?

How long they been watching us?

Can I ask you something?

When was the last time you
went to your local DMV?

I no go DMV. I don't have car.

Oh you can walk there.

Trust me, you gotta go to the DMV,
it's incredible.

See, I was like you once,

afraid, unsure,

doin' stuff I shouldn't do

like showing people
pictures of little girls

with their heads on fire.

But you know what I've learned?

That just going to the DMV

and letting go of all my wrong doings

filled me with a joy
I had felt nowhere else.

Would you like to read
some DMV literature?

This'll tell you most of what
you need to know about the DMV.

But just go,

everyone there is really nice.

Your government is watching you,

and your government
wants you to be happy.

Have a nice day!

Right this way, bill.

Welcome to the NSA main office.

Ah yes.

So this is where the government
checks up on its citizens.

There's a lot of people
working here at the NSA.

Good people.

People who just want
to keep America safe.

Only problem is checking all
those emails, Twitter accounts

and surveilling all those phone calls

can take a lot of manpower.

Hey Joe.

What'chyou got Miller?

Got a 24-yearold male in Albuquerque.

He just emailed his wife

and asked if she could go
to the store after work.

Then he called a fitness
center to set up a membership.

He liked the fitness center

so he tweeted his friends
that they should try it out.

Alright, keep an eye on him.

Let me know if anything changes.

Will do.

It's a never-ending
grind here at the NSA,

and it seems there's
never enough detectives

to keep track of everyone.

Sergeant! What have you got, Lawson?

Got a 17-year-old female
down in Jacksonville.

She called her friend and asked if

she wanted to go see
the Percy Jackson movie.

Then she emailed her mom at
work at asked if it was okay.

The mom said yes,

but called her husband
first to make sure

there weren't already dinner plans.

Alright,
keep an eye on all three of 'em.

Will do.

If you think you've
got the stomach for it

then we could definitely use your help,
young man.

Sir, you might wanna
go check this out.

What have you got?

32-year-old pizza delivery man.

He just put on his Twitter account

that he hates America and wants
to blow up the Lincoln memorial.

16 pm,

the chief asked me to join him

as he went to question
the possible suspect.

I agreed to go along.

Hopefully the NSA has no
idea of my secret intentions.

Lol

well, well the NSA.

I should have known.

We want to talk to you about
some tweets you've been tweeting.

Hey man I was just blowing smoke.

Say what right does
the government have

reading my private emails anyway?

Haven't you squares ever
heard of the constitution?

Yeah we've heard of that.

We've also heard of
the declaration of independence.

See, there's a lot of people
out there who think like you.

People who think
their government doesn't have the right

to go around poking their noses
in the emails of its citizens

that is until a plane
flies into a couple towers

and a little girl loses her life.

You wanna live in the land of
the free and home of the brave,

but the brave can't be
free if the land isn't home

and that land won't
be home so long as

folks out there want to take
that American flag and shove it

so far up your anus
that you crap stars and stripes

for a week and as your sittin'
there on the toilet with the star

spangled montezuma's revenge
there's one thing I can

yeah, what's that?

You won't care who's checking
your Twitter account then.

I never thought of it that way.

I fucked Jack lemmon's
makeup girl in a porta potty.

Hello, Craig!

How would you like to know the truth?

The truth about what?

We're just goin'
through the neighborhood

and seeing if you've accepted
the government into your heart.

Uh no, I don't think so.

Yes sir my colleague and I ...
we want to share our experience at DMV.

We went to DMV and we admit to

all our shortcoming and sins
and a big tidal wave of a peace and

sherinity went over our soul
and touch our heart.

Okay.

You see Craig,
once I came clean with the government,

I no longer had anything to hide.

Then I found peace.
Have you read any DMV

uhhh no.

Wul there's a lot of
interesting stuff in here Craig,

there's even some quotes
from President Obama.

Could you read this part out loud?

"Your local DMV is funded by
your tax dollars to be efficient

and proficious."

Yeah.

What do you think President
Obama means when he says that?

I have no idea.

Well, we believe that

he means the government loves you.
And it wants to forgive you

if you just let
the government into your heart.

Yes sir, see I use to be like
you I go around sending the

nasty email send the nasty
text put up the nasty pictures

on my nassy Facebook.
But then I realize all of these

they live forever because
government keep a file on us.

So all that live forever up
in what they call the cloud.

If the government, sir,
if they gonna put that file in the cloud

then I wanna make sure I come
clean about the bad ones maybe

get those things off
my record off the cloud.

Because we live forever,
in the cloud.

Uh huh.
Did you follow all that Craig?

I don't really think
I followed all that.

I've done it.
I've infiltrated the NSA

and gained their trust.

So far I have not ascertained

how they are able to keep track
of everyone in the country.

But I'm close, very close.
I just hope that I'm not found out

as a whistle blower before I'm able
to expose their entire operation.

what is that voice?

Some little faggot in my head.

Hey so um,
as I'm going through people's emails and

phone calls, um, how do I know
which people to start with?

Pretty simple. Everyone has a file.

People who have a status of threat,
possible threat or

person of interest are the ones
we really want to look at.

The more we pay attention to them,
the bigger their file becomes.

Really? How big is my file?

Uh, that is-uh, you must have
a pretty big file on Eric Cartman.

All his blogs and emails have
been watched for quite some time.

Jarvis, what have
we got on an Eric Cartman.

Any files on Eric Cartman?

Oh yeah,
we tracked him for a little bit

but central computer designated
his status as fat and unimportant.

uh trust me,
he's not fat and unimportant.

I think we need to change his
status to ripped and sweet.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, there is a very important
threat to national security.

We need to change Eric Cartman's status

and that's when I masturbated
to game of thrones.

I know it was wrong to masturbate

and I know it was especially
wrong to masturbate while on duty

what the ...

why do these people keep coming here?

But I am done forever
with game of thrones.

Next please!

Thank you!

Yay!!!!

Congratulations, brother!
How do you feel?

I feel really good.

Wow! Those people over there
seem like they're having fun.

I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be,
then at the DMV with

all you wonderful people!
Now let's all pledge allegiance!

I pledge allegiance

to the flag! Of the united

what the hell is going on here?
This is the DMV!

There'll be no joy here!

uh, people keep showing up
and telling us what they did wrong.

Hey I'm just trying
to renew my license.

How much longer I gotta wait?

Shut up!

Sit there and wait and no
cel phones or other things

that pass time joyously!

I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Look, I am telling you
that you are making a huge mistake.

Eric Cartman is
the NSA's worst nightmare.

Not according to
the central computer.

The central computer is wrong.

You need to change his status.

Sorry, but if central computer says

he's not a threat then
we can't do anything.

Can't do anything? You're the NSA.

There's 300 million people out there.

How do you think we're able
to keep track of every single

person in this country?

How do you think we're able to
really know who is doing what?

I don't know.

Alright, I'll show you.
But this is very top security stuff.

Because if people knew how we did it,
then everyone would do it.

Then our enemies would do it.

We can't let our enemies
get their hands on this.

Get their hands on what?

This is how we know who's
a threat and who's not.

How we know who is sleeping,
and who's awake.

How we know ...

you think I'm fat
and unimportant now?

I am Eric Cartman!
And I've got news for you.

This is all being broadcast
live on my Twitter zeppelin

and on Alec Baldwin's new
television show via Shitter!

Hi everybody and welcome
to my new show on MSNBC,

"Free Pass With Alec Baldwin"

your secret is out NSA!

And now that everyone knows what
you're doing to Santa you can

you can kiss your problem goodbye.

You should have taken me
down when you had the chance.

Now everyone knows the truth.

And everyone's gonna
think I'm super cool.

Eric, honey, what's the matter?

It didn't work, mom.

I infiltrated the NSA and I was
a whistleblower and I thought

everyone would be super pissed
off at what I exposed about the

government, but nobody cares!
Nobody cares that the government

is listening in on everything.
Nobody cares that Santa Claus

hooked up to a big horrible machine!

I know that the NSA is torturing Santa,
sweetie,

but they're keeping us safe.

No, now you just sound
like everybody else!

Honey, it's okay.

It's not going to be okay

because now I'm a whistleblower
against my country

and I'm gonna have to
hide out in Russsiaaaaaa.

No, you don't have
to fly to Russia hon.

No, it'll be fine.

How about I make you some hot
tea with lemon and codeine?

Okay.

I just want hot tea and codeine, mom.

Okay hon!

Hello. How would you
like to know the truth?

The fuck are you
talking about Butters?

It's time to let go, Eric.

Don't you see there's no other way?

Just let the government
into your heart.

It's too late for me, Butters.

I have to go to Russia
and live with the commie dwarves.

It's never too late.
There's a place where you can start over.

what's this?

Your government doesn't listen
in on you to punish you.

Your government just wants you
to be honest about your mistakes.

I can be forgiven?

For everything bad I've ever done.

yes.

And then all I have to do is go
back to this place every time

I do something wrong and admit
it and I'm forgiven again?

That's right.

That's pretty cool.

We've got a new member today!

Eric Cartman,
do you love your country?

I do! I love my country!

Do you pledge allegiance to the flag?

I pledge it!

I fucking pledge that allegiance!

Hallelujah!

You want us to kick them out of here?

No.

No leave them alone.
It's a nice change to see people

happy to be at the DMV.
Perhaps we here at the DMV can

start changing as well.
Perhaps instead of treating

people badly,
we can offer them comfort and hope.

Why, the DMV can be a place
where people come to get things

off their chest, confess, yes,
but also be told that they're

worth something in this world.
And then DMV's everywhere can

become a place where
people feel safe.

And when they do something wrong,
we can offer forgiveness.

Don't you see what
this could lead to?

Don't you see what we could become?

The DMV was shut down today
after rampant allegations of sex

with young boys.
The heads of the DMV were arrested

"Hey, it came with the territory."

With the dvm shut down,
Americans are being asked to

confess wrong doings
at their nearest post office.

We've just received word that the U.S.
postal service has been

shut down due to rampant
allegations of sex with young boys.

It now appears that the only

people who can be trusted
with confessions and guidance

is your local news station.

WMZ News will be back in a young boy.