South Park (1997–…): Season 16, Episode 10 - Insecurity - full transcript

♪ I'm going down to South park, ♪

♪ gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ friendly faces everywhere, ♪

♪ humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ going down to South park ♪

♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ ample parking day or night, ♪

♪ people shouting howdy neighbor! ♪

♪ headin' up to South park ♪

♪ gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ so come on down to South park ♪



♪ and meet some friends o' mine! ♪

Erectile dysfunction is a fact

of life.

You want to show her you love her

but you're old and so is she.

Next time that moment comes

don't let your sex drive fail you

just because your wife looks like
a shrivelled prune.

Fake it, with Cialis

it won't make her any hotter

but it you not care for up to 3 hours

and then you can still have your own
separate bathtub from her later on.

Hey, Sheila, do you like
having some fun?

Ooh... Did the Cialis commercial
turn you on again?



How about I put on the uniform?

Oh, Gerald.

What do you think?
You know you like it.

Oh, hello.

UPS, ma'am.

I have a package from
Amazon for you.

Oh, dear.
But I'm barely dressed.

If you will just sign right here.

Oh, you're so rough with
me Mr. UPS man.

- You like your package, ma'am?
- Yes!

Do it harder, UPS man.

Ike, what's the matter?

Dude, you've been
crying all morning.

What's going on?

Oh, my gosh, Ike,
are you sure about this?

Yes, yes.

Ike, this is a big deal.
You have to be absolutely 100%.

I saw them Kyle, I saw them.

Oh, no.

You guys can't tell anybody, all right?

Not until I figure out what to do.

Dude, what happened?

- Take a look.
- What's this?

Ike found out last night.

My mom is having sex
with the UPS man.

Wow. Dude, no way.

Yeah, dude.

But are you sure they had sex,
like sex, sex,

like they actually had sex?

Yeah, dude, full on,
Ike saw everything.

It totally make sense now.

My mom's been ordering all kinds
of stuff from Amazon lately

sometimes she doesn't even remember
what she's ordered.

She has probably been having sex
with the UPS man for a long time.

- Are you going to tell your dad?
- I don't know.

I feel like I should confront
my mom first

but it's so embarrassing.

Kyle, have you stopped to think that
maybe the sex wasn't consensual?

What?

Isn't possible your mom
was raped by the UPS man?

We know nothing about this guy
and he shows up to all our houses.

Think, what kind of sane, normal person,
would want to have sex with Kyle's mom?

Cartman, not now.

No, here me out you guys.

Haven't you seen those ADT commercials?

Women these days get raped by perfectly
normal looking white guys in broad daylight.

It may be too late for Kyle's mom

but I'm getting some goddamn security.

Look... Look, the thing is do we tell
Gerald or do we just stay out of it?

How do we tell him?

Hey Gerald, sorry, but the UPS man is

banging your wife.

It's really none of our business.

If my wife was having sex

with the UPS man I would
want you guys to tell me.

How do you know she's not?

I mean, think about it.

This is a guy who visits all our
houses during the day

who clearly has a kind of insatiable lust.

I mean somebody who would have sex with

Kyle's mom would have sex
with just about anything.

Oh, come on, he can't be trying that with

all of our wives.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Yeah, there is to be price to be paid
of having things convenient.

Used to be, a man had to go to the

store to buy himself
a pitcher of milk.

Yeah, then men got lazy.

They wanted that milk
delivered right to the door.

Only problem was the guy
delivering that milk ends up

[bleep] your wife.

Sure, you had your nice, cold
milk delivered right to your

doorstep but your wife was getting
pounded out like a Mallard duck.

And now you got your Amazon

and the milk man's come back.

And none you you are safe.

And, so you need the motion

detectors in the living room and

the kitchen, the touch pads at
the front and rear doors and

break-in monitors on all

windows.

I'm afraid those are not secured at all.

Oh no, really?

Oh, I'm sorry, but I really
don't think I can afford this.

Mom, do you want to get raped?

Haven't you seen the commercials?

You can get raped by a white
guy these days, mom.

Oh.

Yes, unfortunately, it's not enough to
just be fearful of strangers these days.

What do you mean?

Well, many times houses are

burglarized by someone
the victim knows.

Oh my God, I knew it.

Kyle is always taking my stuff.

Just yesterday I couldn't
find my iPod headphones.

That sneaky little Jew.

We realize it's a lost money
Mrs. Cartman, but really

how much is feeling secure in
your own home worth?

Yeah, mom, that's dangerous people
out there trying to screw us both

don't you need to be
getting to work, ran?

No, I think I'll just hang out
a little while longer.

I'll get it.

Hey there, looks like I've got a couple
of packages from Amazon for you.

Oh, is that so?

If I can just get your
signature right... There.

Sure, Chad, is it?

Thad.

Thad, nice.

You having a busy day?

Oh, you know, just trying
to get to everyone.

Yeah, I'll bet.

- Well, have a good one.
- Yeah, you too, Thad.

Hey, Sharon, these came for you.

- Ooh, stuff from Amazon?
- Yeah. What are they?

You know, to be honest,
I can't remember.

You just ordered stuff of Amazon and
you can't remember what?

Oh... yeah, these are the
paring knives I ordered.

Sorry, I think I was
a little tippesy.

This is the book Stan's been wanting.
Can you take it up to him?

Yeah, sure, 'cause people just order

stuff from Amazon and forget what they got.

Stan, you've got
something from Amazon.

Aww shit!

Of [Bleep].

Goddammit

hello!

This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security.
Is everything all right?

Yeah, sorry, I live here.

I can't remember the code
to turn off the alarm.

That's ok, do you have your security
pass phrase you can tell me?

Yeah, my pass phrase is

Kyle is a dirty no good Jew...

No... Wait, Kyle is a
no good lying Jew.

Ok, I've got something different here.

Is it my friend Kyle is a no good dirty...

Hang on, I've got it written
down here somewhere.

- No problem.
- Sorry about this.

It's all right, it happens all the time.

Ok, thanks... Wait, hang on a second,
what do you mean that's all right?

What if I was somebody trying to

rape my mom?

You want to rape your mom?

It's nice you're cool about me triggering
the alarm and not knowing the password

but how do you know
I'm not making it up?

I could have raped my
mom twice by now.

You said you lived there.

I do but you don't know that.

I could be Kyle trying to
take more of my shit!

How did you get rid of him?

How did you get rid of the milk man?

There is no getting rid of him.

Not in any way you folks
will be prepared for.

No, best to let him go on

[bleep] your wives.

Maybe he will get tired of it.

Damn you, it's not just
our wives anymore.

This morning, he came for me.

I opened the door.

It was the UPS man.

He had a box from Amazon.

I looked inside and found
an adaptor for an iPhone

and then I remembered
I had ordered it.

I ordered it the day before and
I barely had any recollection.

The UPS man is using his

powers to try to have
sex with me now.

You said we wouldn't be
prepared to get rid of him.

How did you...

We used a pretty
blond to lure him in.

When she answered the door she

told the milk man to follow
her to the bathtub,

she took off her clothes and...

Asked the milk man to
fill the tub with milk.

The milk man said:

"You want that milk pasteurized?"

And blond replied:

"No, just up to my boobs,

I can splash it in my eyes."

That's when we jumped him.

It was over in minutes.

Then we burned his body.

You want to get rid of the milk man,

you've got to kill him,
and kill him good

and then you've got to go to the
store for your stuff from then on.

Hey...

You want me to do this,
then you've got to pay up front kid.

You will get your money when

you have finished doing what
I asked you, all right?

As soon as I lock the door,
just give me a few seconds to arm the

system, then you break
in and try to rape my mom.

Ok, got it?

- Hello.
- This is Michael with Wolf Home Security.

Is everything all right?

No, a man just broke into our house
and he's about to rape my mom.

Go, go, she's upstairs.

Hello.
Did you hear me?

A rapist is here.
He's white.

Ok, should we contact the police?

Yes, you should contact
the [Bleep] police,

my mom is about to get [Bleep] raped.

Ok, we're contacting them now.

It's going up the stairs dude.
You better hurry.

Try and stay calm, the police
are on their way.

Well, that's nice, maybe they
can bring some cigaretes and Gatorade

'cause this guy is
gonna be pretty wiped out.

What the [Bleep].

Hey there, Mr... Stotch?
Looks like another Amazon package.

I know that what I feel for you
is just some kind of spell.

Sorry?

Just let me sign.

All right, he's coming to you.

Well, hello there, Mr. UPS man.

- What do you...
- You should have left our wives alone.

Now let's go for a drive.

Look, you can have
whatever's in the back.

It's all stuff from Amazon.

Pull in here.

Just let me go, huh?

Oh, then we would miss out on all the fun.

Ah, ooh.

You should have never
come to our town.

A man's wife is his life,
Mr. UPS man.

Oh my God.

Come on, honey.

Thought we wouldn't find out?

Who's there?

Please.

Yes, hello?

Hello, this is Varachnu with
Wolf Home Security.

No, a man just broke
into my house with...

Varachnu?
I didn't sign up

to have some Indian guy calling me.

Are you even in the United States?

Yes, I am in United States.

Ah... That's bullshit.
Put your manager on.

Ok, hold on.

Hello?!

This is Kevin with
Wolf Home Security.

Is everything all right?

No, everything's not all right.
How come a guy from India is

calling me when my house
is being broken into?

We have alarms going off
across the country

14 times a minute.

It takes a lot of employees manning phones.

I'm not paying all this money

to have some guy on the other

side of the earth trying
to protect me.

Sir, it doesn't matter where
we wall you from

we still call the police
in your neighbourhood.

Oh really, oh gosh, I'm so
relieved, thanks,

there is still just one little problem,

how do you know I didn't break into
this house set off the alarm

and now I'm stalling by being
upset about the Indian guy

and have actually stolen a bunch of shit,

raped my mom and you people have
done absolutely nothing about it.

I...I... Wow, that just [Bleep] my head.

Yeah, I just [Bleep] your head and
the UPS guy just [Bleep] my mom.

All right, quiet down people, please.
Quiet.

I know you're all worried about
you're families security.

All I can tell you is that so far,
Bane has not been caught.

What are we supposed to do?

I mean, if Bane is out there on the
the loose then none of us are safe.

One Bane's bad enough but

apparently we've got, like...
Like, seven Banes...

Ok?

And what do we tell the kids?

We can't leave them
in the dark.

Wouldn't be the only ones in your
family completely in the dark.

What?

Nothing.

Now listen, there is nothing more
we can do to protect your homes

but there is someone
here who says he can.

Hello, folks.

We are more than happy to get
your homes safe and secure.

Now you gonna be
wanting monitors

on all your doors and windows,
motion detectors in the living areas

and I would also recommend you all get our
newest personal security system

to make sure your wives
are safe outside the home.

Wait... Wait, what do you mean?

Protecting your home and your family

is hard enough but sometimes

alarms on your doors and
windows aren't enough.

A new security system allows not

only for your doors and
windows to be monitored,

a security system that
is actually inside you,

it's called InSecurity.

We'll never forget the day we took
our twin daughters to the beach.

- What cute twins.
- Thanks.

They're so adorable that I'm going
to bash their [Bleep] heads in.

This is Peter with InSecurity.
It's everything all right?

A white man tried to
murder our twin girls.

I have a police car on their
way with blankets and cocoa.

I only hope other people have
InSecurity to protect their families.

Well, how does the shoe fit, pal?

I think it fits good.

Ok let's see if it fits better

than this
knife through your [Bleep] skull, bastard!

- Hello!
- This is David with InSecurity.

Is everything all right?

No, a white shoe salesman
tried to murder my son.

Hold tight, police are on their
way with blankets and cocoa.

Don't let your families became
another statistic.

Have peace of mind with

in security.

It just keeps getting worse.

I see stuff from Amazon
almost every day.

My poor dad has no idea.

You're going to have to tell him dude.

I know...

Ha, Kyle, let's see you try and
take my iPod headphones now.

What?

Just want you to know that if you
want to steal somebody's stuff

you should look elsewhere.

Nobody wants any of your
stuff you fat bitch.

Oh, fat bitch, ha?

It just so happens that this

fat bitch has insecurity now Kyle,

and so I'm protected from
all you greedy little Jews

until you and your people die out.

The Jewish population isn't
dying out, fat ass, it's growing.

What?

- Hello!
- This is Marcus with InSecurity.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, false alarm.

I just heard some troubling news
and it set up my InSecurity.

All right, could I just get
your password please.

Yeah, it's...

It's "you love boobs".

I love boobs?

No, you love boobs.

Lowercase "you love boobs".

How did you know that?

My password is "you love boobs".

- Oh, I get it, that's pretty funny.
- Yeah is [Bleep] hilarious.

Now can you shutdown my
InSecurity, please?

Sure, here you go.

Ok...

Anyway, Kyle, you
better watch it...

Kyle? Goddammit.

And then, I had to
drive to Walgreens,

Barnes and Noble, and Ace Hardware.

I tell you, going around having
to buy stuff again sucks.

Yeah, but at least we never have
to deal with that UPS driver again.

- He's back.
- What?

I just came from Will Paterson's house.

His mother got three
packages from Amazon

and the UPS guy told her what
he would like to do to her.

How?

He casually dropped
this on the way out.

Oh my God!

Didn't kill him, did you?

I didn't think you had anyhow.

We scared him.
We thought it would be enough.

Milk man don't get scared.

Not with free pussy
at every doorstep.

Son of a bitch, it's him, all right.

This guy doesn't know when to quit.

He's stopping at another house.

This his guy is a lot tougher
than we thought.

Must be why our wives
want him so bad.

Sorry... Sorry that's me.

- Hello!
- This is Alan with InSecurity.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, sorry, false alarm.

Pass phrase is "tickle me homo".

It's a joke.

Mom, dad, you always taught

me that being direct and honest
is a basic Jewish tenet.

That's right, Kyle.

And that applies to all
of us, doesn't it?

Even though it's convenient to
have things done for you,

sometimes it's best to
deal with it yourself.

Hi, I got a delivery for you.

Yeah.
Come in for a minute, would you?

What?

Please, I need you to come
sit down for a second.

So, here we all are.

Mom, do you want to
tell dad something?

Mom?

What's going on?

You know damn well
what's going on.

This ends right now.

We are a family and you need
to go somewhere else.

Don't you think I want to?

I hate this damn town.

Every day things just keep

getting weirder around here
and I'm just about sick of it.

Oh, my God.

- Hello!
- This is Brian with InSecurity.

Is everything all right?

No, they blew up my car,
they blew up my car.

I'm sending help.

Police are on their way
with blankets and cocoa.

They're after me again,
do something.

Oh, hold on, one second sir,
I have another emergency coming in.

This is Brian with InSecurity.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, no, false alarm again.

I'm in the store and some fat bitch
asked me if my dad likes cologne.

What the hell is going on out here?

Stay out of this, Gerald.

Some men care about what
their wives are doing.

What?
You don't even have a wife, Jimbo.

Somebody answer me,

you have to send help now.

Sir, we are sending help, just stay cal...
Hang on sir.

This is Martin with InSecurity.

Yeah, I'm thinking maybe Gerald's
house is nicer than mine is.

Hello!
This is Martin with InSecu...

Goddamn it, I have had it
with you people.

When I signed up I thought I was
getting CSI guys protecting my ass

but all you answering the
phones are complete retards.

Hello!
This is Mike with InSecurity.

Is everything all right?

Hello!

Dude, come down here.

So you say this man killed

himself because he
was a psychopath

who was forced to have
sex with his mother?

Yes.

We found that in his pocket.

Sir, we found this in the

closet upstairs.

Yes, that's mine.

Yours?

What?

Give me that.

What we do in our bedroom is our business.

Wait a minute?

Dad was the UPS man?

Kyle, sometimes when people

get older they need to play and

pretend to keep
things interesting.

It's just a way I can still be

intimate with your mother

without relying on silly
sexual enhancement drugs.

Hello?

It's over.

But you were wrong.

We don't have to be afraid of Amazon.

The only price to be paid for

convenience is that we must
be secure with ourselves.

Yeah, got yourselves some

nice home security systems,
don't you?

Paying a man to do your job of

protecting your house.

Only problem is while you're out

feeling like your things are

safe, that security man is

[bleep] your wife.

Doors and windows should be

armed and your motion detectors

are up and running. Just call me
whenever you need me back.

who are you?

It doesn't matter who we are.

What matters is our plan.

You should have respected my authority.