South Park (1997–…): Season 13, Episode 1 - The Ring - full transcript

would you look at that ?

it's just incredible, isn't it ?

i still can't believe it

even though it's right there in front of me.

yeah, it's just so... astounding.

well, believe it, friends.

the impossible has happened...

kenny has a girlfriend.

yeah, a fifth-grade girlfriend.

this is serious.

they've been going out for almost two weeks now.



so wh-who is she ?

her name's tammy warner.

she's the only girl in school

whose family is actually poorer than kenny's.

it's really kind of beautiful, if you ask me.

you guys !

you guys, i think we have a big problem !

what ?

well, apparently kenny has a girlfriend !

yeah, dude, tammy warner.

she's a fifth-grader.

does kenny like her ?

i guess so.

she's like his first real girlfriend ever.



oh, no, oh, jeez !

butters, what's the problem ?

i just talked to brad dixon.

tammy warner is bad news.

all the fifth graders call her a slut

on a count of she gave this kid, dave darski, a bj

in the parking lot of t.g.i. friday's.

what ?

it's true !

ask anybody in fifth grade !

tammy warner is a total slut !

that bitch !

kenny gave his heart to her

and she's just gonna throw it in his face !

well, kenny deserves to know, fellas.

if you guys found out my girlfriend was

a raging whore, i'd want you to tell me.

all right, come on, guys.

hey, jimmy, what's a bj ?

kenny ! hey, kenny !

oh, hey, guys.

listen, kenny, we need to talk about

your new girlfriend.

what about her ?

oh, boy...

kenny, we know you really like this girl, but--

but what ?

well, we've heard that she's...

kenny...

your girlfriend is a notorious whore.

she even gave a kid named dave darski

a bj in the parking lot of t.g.i. friday's.

huh ?

your girlfriend's a slut, dude.

woo-hoooo !

woo-hoo-hooooo !

he took it pretty well.

hey, tammy ! hi, ken !

you decide what you wanna do after school ?

yeah, i was kind of thinking

we should go to t.g.i. friday's.

t.g.i. friday's ?

yeah, could be lots of fun.

yeah, okay, but...

kenny, listen...

there's something i need to talk to you about.

there's a lot of rumors going around about me

that i agreed to give a boy a bj.

well... it's true.

but it was before you and i were together,

and it wasn't my fault !

see, i was watching the disney channel

and that show came on with the jonas brothers--

jonas brothers ?

you know that teenage boy band ?

every time i see them i get so... tingly.

i just completely lose control.

and then dave darski showed up

and took me to t.g.i. friday's

and it just happened.

but it was only for one second
and i had my eyes closed.

i know it's terrible.

can you... can you forgive me, ken ?

there you are, young man,

two tickets to the jonas brothers concert !

thanks !

the jonas brothers ?

dude, kenny, what the hell is wrong with you ?

aren't they those queermos on the disney channel ?

yeah, jonas brothers, dude, they get tammy all hot

and then she'll give me a bj.

a bj ?

you want tammy to give you a bj ? of course, dude !

kenny, you're gonna let a girl

put her mouth on your wiener ?

do you know how disgusting that is ?

girls' mouths are full of germs.

yeah, dude, that's gross.

it's okay, i'm gonna have protection.

what kind of protection ?

can i have a box of condoms, please ?

box of condoms.

certainly, little boy, what kind would you like ?

uh... i'll take those over there.

these here ? well, certainly.

cool.

kenny, aren't you a little young for this ?

no, i'm not young, i want a bj !

just because you have condoms

doesn't mean you're safe, kenny.

statistically speaking,

the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet

is the mouth of an american woman.

and you're gonna let that near your penis ?

yup ! woo-hoo !

kenny, you're the best for bringing me here !

isn't this awesome ?

* i'm ready

* to get it on

* but there's no getting on *

* 'til i'm ready

wahghgghghghghg !

* it's too soon

* slow down

* take it easy...

my giney tickles !

* i need your love bay-bay *

* i can't wait 'til the day... *

oh, my god !

it's that tingling again !

* until then i have to diss you *

* 'cause my mom doesn't like it... *

i love you !

* she'll make me clean my room *

* if i'm naughty

* bay-bay

* i'm hot * he's hot * he's hot

* tell me how was i to know *

* that you would take your love and go *

* was it 'cause i wanted to wait *

* 'til we were married

* to put my arm around you ? *

* but seasons change

* bay-bay

* and the world goes round and round and round *

* yeah, yeah

* i'm gonna take my time *

* can't wait 'til you are mine *

* but it might be a while 'cause *

* yeah, yeah

* girl we can take it slow *

* so we have room to grow... *

oh, oh, jesus christ !

you're so hot, kevin !

i love you, joe !

* until then go back to montreal *

* 'cause i still love you bay-bay *

* love you bay-bay

* bay-bay

good night, denver ! we love you all !

we love you, denver !

good night !

oh, my god, i am so worked up !

i just wanna attack you, kenny !

all right !

come on, let's go out to the parking lot !

woo-hoo !

and you too, little girl in the red !

huh ?

band would like you to come backstage.

you too, little girl with the puppy t-shirt.

ahh !

they want me to come backstage ?

oh, my god !

no, no, we're going to your place now.

it's a dream come true !

hey !

all right, right this way, girls.

yeah, come on in, everyone.

the band is waiting for you.

uh, not you.

no, fuck that, dude !

i bought the fucking tickets !

hey, what the fuck ?!

the jonas brothers will be right out, girls.

why do you think they called us back here ?

they must-a wanna have sex with us.

what ? you think so ?

sure, they're a band.

they called us back here so
we can give 'em blow jobs.

well, i'm not doing it.

just 'cause they're rock stars
doesn't mean i'll do that.

yeah, i'm not giving a blow job to anybody !

me neither !

hey there, girls ! hey there,
girls ! hey there, girls !

hey, listen, we saw ya out there in the audience.

yeah, you were getting a little crazy out there.

let's just get to the blow jobs.

blow-whats ?

i don't know.

look, we called you back here

because we want to share our
love of christ with you.

and see if you'll wear purity rings from now on.

purity rings ?

we all wear purity rings.

it means we are going to be pure and not have sex

until we're married.

and it means we stay away from bad stuff

and avoid people who swear
or watch naughty tv shows.

that's just how we roll.

yeah ! yeah !

so what do ya say, girls ?

you wanna be kid hipsters like us

and wear purity rings too ?

okay.

and be sure to give a ring to
all the kids you care about

'cause it's the hip, new way to roll !

well, well, well, here he comes.

it's bj mckay and his best friend, bear.

so how'd it go last night ?

what's that ?

a purity ring.

purity ring ?

yeah, it's a purity ring.

what does that mean ?

it means i'm gonna be pure

and not have sex until i get married.

dude, you ?

we thought you really wanted to have a bj

before you got too old-- i did !

i was really excited to get a bj

but now i have to wear this
motherfucking purity ring !

all right, all right, kenny, calm down.

you're too young to be getting bjs anyway.

it's good you and tammy are making a commitment

to each other that isn't based on sex.

yeah !

it isn't fair, i was so close to getting a blow job

and i'll never get one now !

this is fucking bullshit.

fellas-- hey, fellas !

i heard that kenny is still going out

with that slut tammy warner !

yeah, but it's okay, butters.

they have purity rings now.

what's that ?

they're rings that says they're not gonna have sex

or do anything naughty anymore.

huh...

a ring that says you'll be together

but not have sex.

isn't that called a "wedding ring" ?

* i've got a ring on my finger *

* to remind me what i cannot do *

* can't just do whatever i feel like *

* i've got to stay righteous and true *

* i can't hang out with my buddies *

* and get into trouble

* 'cause now we're both wearing *

* these rings for each other *

* but who needs sex

* and drugs and partying ? *

* when we can cook a meal *

* then sit around and watch netflix *

* bay-bay

* i've got a ring on my finger *

* to remind me that i must behave *

* no need to chase after girls *

* it's a promise i can never break *

* i've made a commitment *

* and it is forever

* so we can spend every *

* waking minute together

* and if we get bored *

* it won't be a problem

* 'cause we can just hang out

* with other couples who wear these rings *

* bay-bay...

yeah, we found out that once you wear purity rings,

it's best to hang out with other couples that do.

got more in common.

isn't that right, sara ?

you know what carol and i really enjoy

is "grey's anatomy."

we love "grey's anatomy," don't we, carol ?

we adore "grey's anatomy," don't we, nancy ?

adore it.

kenny and tammy, do you watch "grey's anatomy" ?

we look forward to it all week long !

ha-ha-ha...

sure is !most fun we've had in weeks !

ha-ha-ha !

* i've got a ring on my finger *

* to remind me what i cannot do *

* what i cannot do

* bay-bayyyy

* bay-bay-bay

* bay-bay

* bayyy-bayyyy

and cut !

great video shoot, guys !

this is bull pucky !

yeah, we've had it, gosh darn it !

uh-oh, looks like we've got a problem.

our decision is final !

we have decided, as a band,

not to wear purity rings anymore !

yeah, you tell 'em, joe.

boys, i know you're tired, but the purity rings

are important to the company's image.

we don't care about the company !

and you're gonna say that to the boss's face ?

we aren't afraid of him.

well, i hope you're right,

because the boss is on his way here now.

oh, jesus, he's here ! boss is here !

let's be strong, guys !

hello, sir, how was your trip ?

what's all this i'm hearing

about not wearing the purity rings-- ha-ha.

uh, we'll just leave you alone.

so i guess we have some issues-- ha-ha.

we need to talk about something.

oh, boy !

i just love flying all the way to colorado

to hear about your problems-- ha-ha.

look, we just want our concerts

to be about our music and not about purity rings.

oh, gosh, fellas,

let me explain this to you one more time.

you have to wear the purity rings

because that's how we can sell
sex to little girls-- ha-ha.

see, if we make the posters with little girls

reaching for your junk,

then you have to wear purity rings

or else disney company looks bad-- ha-ha.

but we don't wanna be selling
sex to little girls anymore.

the rings stay on.

well... well, maybe we'll
just refuse to go onstage !

ooof !

you don't fucking talk to me

like that-- ha-ha--

you little piece of shit-- ha-ha.

get the fuck up !

get the fuck up-- ha-ha.

now, do we have a problem-- ha-ha.

no, sir.

no, mr. mouse.

no, mr. mouse.

oh, that's good 'cause i thought we had

a problem for a minute there-- ha-ha.

all right, now get out there

and make me some goddamned money-- ha-ha.

yup, he's in here !

dude, what the hell are you doing, kenny ?

this is the day we were supposed to throw

cow turds at cars together !

we've had just about enough, dude.

you've been blowing us off for two weeks now !

what's up ?!

need to buy more dvds.

"grey's anatomy" ?

kenny, what kind of douche-bag
garbage are you watching ?!

come on, kenny, this isn't you.

we want you back, dude.

kenny... kenny ?

kenny ?

you wanna look at playboys ?

wanna get high sniffing paint, kenny ?

you want your "grey's anatomy" back, kenny ?

oh, "grey's anatomy," cool !

oh, wow, this was a great season !

you guys, i think this is serious !

there's something really wrong with him.

it's that ring.

somehow, putting on that ring

has turned kenny into a boring turd.

oh, my god, look at this !

motherfucker !

what ?

"jonas brothers talk music,
faith in god, and purity rings."

these disney douche bags are
the ones causing all this !

yeah, this all happened the day after

he went to their concert !

all right, come on, guys !

we're not sitting back and watching our friend die.

hold tight, buddy, we're gonna find a cure for you.

cool...

live from 5 news studio in colorado,

it's good mornin' denver !

we are joined this morning
by the disney super group,

the jonas brothers.

hello, boys !

hello.

now tell us what you're doin' here in denver, guys.

uh, we're gonna be doing a live concert

from red rocks tonight

that will be live broadcast on the disney channel.

in 3d, don't forget to mention in 3d !

oh, and it's gonna be in 3d.

now, guys, a lot has been made

about your purity rings.

can you tell us about those ?

well, um... we wear these
to symbolize how pure we are

and how we... don't approve of things

that are naughty or filthy.

yeah, that's good,

get a closeup on their purity rings.

closeup on the purity rings-- ha-ha.

that's wonderful, boys.

it's good that little girls can see a concert

and not have it be about sex.

we understand that at the concert tonight

you'll be dousing girls in
the audience with white foam.

is that correct ?

uh-huh. yeah, uh-huh.

well, can you give our audience a peek ?

what do ya think, girls,

you want the jonas brothers

to douse you with their white foam ?

oh, boy !

this is tv gold-- ha-ha.

excuse us, excuse us.

hey, what do you think you're doing ?

that's great stuff, boys !

you like takin' the jonas brothers' hot foam

in your faces, girls ?

hey !

hey, those jonas brothers are assholes !

yeah, their purity rings turned
our friend into a douche !

huh ?

what the hell do you think you're doing

spreading this crap to kids ?

who the hell are these guys ?

are they from dreamworks ?!

goddamn eisner trying to hurt
this company again-- ha-ha.

this whole thing is a freakin' sham !

i see what you're doing now !

you're trying to sell sex to young girls

and then confuse them by-- agh.

agh !

cartman ?

you aren't ruining my plans this time,
dreamworks-- ha-ha.

dude, who the hell did that ?

ouf !

agh !

15 minutes !

that's 15 minutes, people !

get another mic on that drum kit !

they almost ruined everything-- ha-ha.

how did something like this happen-- ha-ha.

wake up, wake up, you little prick-- ha-ha.

who do you work for ? dreamworks ?

answer me-- ha-ha !

we don't work for anybody.

oh, boy, i sure believe that-- ha-ha.

you just tried to ruin disney company's big night

for you own amusement, huh-- ha-ha.

what the hell did you do to us ?!

shut up ! ha-ha !

and now, disney channel presents

the jonas brothers 3d concert spectacular !

live from red rocks amphitheater in colorado !

truly a night of magic

as we're set for the biggest
concert event of the year !

in about 10 minutes the jonas brothers

are going to take the stage
in what disney is calling,

"the most pure and innocent rock
event of the millennia."

do we put the 3d glasses on now, dada ?

not yet, katie.

everyone around the country

is tuning in to see disney's latest kid pop stars.

yeah, jonas brothers at red rocks.

we understand the jonas brothers

are getting ready.

what's going on backstage must be exciting !

you better start talking-- ha-ha !

you better start talking right now-- ha-ha !

we told you, we aren't working for another studio

and there isn't a plan to sabotage your big night !

we came on our own 'cause our friend's

purity ring is killing him !

you're lying !

i'll cut you up-- ha, ha.

you see ?

we were right about the purity rings !

a nice christian symbol

can't be used for profit gains !

we've all angered god !

you think god is in control here-- ha, ha.

i am in control !

i've been in control since the '50s

in case you haven't noticed-- ha-ha.

you three faggots are going onstage

and you three faggots aren't gonna stop me !

nobody is ruining this event-- ha-ha !

i have worked too long and too hard to have

anybody fuck this up !

where would you be without me,
jonas brothers-- ha-ha !

your music sucks and you know it-- ha-ha !

it's because you make little girls' gineys tickle.

and when little girls' gineys tickle,

i make money-- ha-ha.

and that's because little girls

are fucking stupid-- ha-ha.

and the purity rings make it okay

to do whatever i want-- ha-ha.

even the christians are too fucking stupid

to figure out i'm selling sex to their daughters !

i've made billions off of christian ignorance

for decades now-- ha-ha.

and do you know why ?

because christians are retarded-- ha-ha.

they believe in a talking dead guy-- ha-ha.

oh-- ha-ha.

hello, folks !

boo !

now, now take it easy-- ha-ha !

here's the jonas brothers !

come on, guys.

no stop ! bring them back here !

it's over, mr. mouse, everyone's tuning out.

no !

no, goddamn it, no !

shut up !

shut up !

rarhghghggh !

that's it, girls.

no more disney tv for a while.

tom, the disney jonas brothers 3d television special

has failed,

costing the disney company millions,

and once again, mickey is
pissed off and throwing a fit.

vengeance is mine.

you are all ants and i am your destroyer-- ha-ha.

the disney "purity ring" venture

will most likely now prove a marketing bust

as mickey returns to valhalla to slumber and feed.

aw, ken, look what we've become.

we're way too young to be this boring.

okay, i'll put in "grey's anatomy."

no, i don't want to watch "grey's anatomy," ken.

let's take off these rings, ken.

take off the rings ?

we can take off the rings ?!

really ?!

let's take 'em off and just be kids again !

there'll be plenty of time to wear rings

and be boring and lame when we reach our late 30s

and we're boring and lame anyway.

yeah, screw these things !

oh, i feel better already !

me too !

what say you and me go to t.g.i. friday's ?

woo-hoo !

and so...

as we commit this young child to the earth,

let us all be reminded

that syphilis is still a deadly disease

and it can be caught even if using protection.

this young boy learned the hard way...

i told him.

"woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place

on earth," i said.

"statistically the most unsafe place

for a man to put his penis," i said.

well... now we know.

and knowing is half the battle.