South Park (1997–…): Season 12, Episode 14 - The Ungroundable - full transcript

I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation

Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"

Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind

Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine

M'kay, so now the computer
will show a command bar.

M'kay, and we type in
"x" equals "y" plus one.

M'kay, and then it says
we hit command "y"

to bring up the menu screen.

Man, you've got to be kidding me.



Goddamn Japs are everywhere.

M'kay, now, right click on menu item
"equate all"

and type in "input y"...

- Dude, are you on America's side, Stan?
- No, I'm on the Japanese side.

Who just shot me?

M'kay, let's see.
The right click is the upper right...

But then what the hell is...

M'kay, kids, I'm gonna need
to get some clarification on this.

Just keep entering the calculations.
I'll be right back, m'kay.

Dude! I wish I had a real flamethrower.
It works awesome on Japs!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Stan, Stan, we have a big problem!

- Dude, what?
- There's vampires in the school!

- What?
- Vampires! I've seen them!



Dude!
Who's using the flak-jacket cheat?

Not a cheat if you rank up!

Kenny, there's a vampire on the loose.

Then Katie Gelson was hanging out
with him, and now she's a vampire, too!

Butters, there's no such thing
as vampires.

But there is! You guys gotta believe me!

First there was just a couple,
but now it's like they're growing.

They have fangs
and drink blood and everything!

All right, Butters, well, you go document
the vampires' movements

- So we know what their intentions are.
- Really? Do you think that's best?

- Yeah, now get out of here.
- All right!

If I don't make it back,
tell my mom what happened to me.

You got powned, Bebe, you Jap bitch!

Isn't this cool?
This time of day, nobody's in the gym.

We should make this one of our official
South Park Vampires' Club hangouts.

That's an awesome new coat, Mike.
Looks totally badass.

Don't call me Mike.
My name is Vampir now.

- That's cool.
- I'm gonna change my name to Vladimir.

You can't. It's too close to Vampir.

32 p.m.

Vampires meeting
in the school gymnasium.

Leader appears to be a fifth grader.

You know that girl Bella in Twilight?
I think I'm like her.

I'm a psi vampire.
Do you like these sparkles I got?

Annie Bartlet is a psi vampire.

Yeah, I'm more a sanguinarian vampire,

in that I rely more
on the life-force energy, per se.

Yeah, I'm gonna be a hybrid vampire.
Both psi and sanguinarian.

That's Ryan Ellis.
Looks like they've gotten to him, too.

Lunchtime's almost over.
Should we drink some more blood?

- Yeah!
- Cool!

Yeah, and then I think it's time
for us to feed, per se.

God, I think they're gonna
drink blood now!

They've got some kind of chalice
and they're...

It's the Big Texas Butters Show!
And now here is, Big Texas Butters!

Why, howdy there, partners!

I'm Big Texas Butters
and this is my horse, Toast.

Happy trails to you

What are you doing?

Get back! You stay back!

The body of Christ compels you!
The body of Christ compels you!

- That kid was really scared of us.
- That's true, BloodRayne.

People are going to be frightened of us

because they don't understand
our ways, per se.

Yeah, we're cool, huh?

What the hell are those kids doing?

Why are they all dressing like that
all of a sudden?

- Are they trying to be Goth?
- No, they're vamp.

They wear plastic fangs
and drink freaking Clammato juice.

But they can't dress like that.
That's our style!

Hey, Tommy Petros is thinking
he might wanna be a vamp kid, too.

- Tommy Petros, is he cool?
- Yeah, he's cool enough.

All right.

So, all of a sudden,
you Justin and Britney wannabes

think it's cool to dress like us?

We dress the way our souls feel.
To express the darkness, per se.

Aren't you Mike McKowski?

That's Vampir McKowski now.

You kids need to all go put your freaking
Banana Republic clothes

back on right now.

Hey, we're just as dark as you guys.
Maybe darker.

Really. Do you guys even smoke?

Of course not. Smoking's bad for you.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Oh, my God.

You know, you guys are really giving off
a negative human energy.

We prefer to take our darkness
somewhere else, per se.

All right, Count Fagula, you go do that.

Mom! Mom, I gotta tell you something!
You're not gonna believe it!

Not now, Butters. Your father wants
to have a talk with you in the kitchen.

He is not happy.

- Oh, no. What'd I do this time?
- You just march on in there.

Jeez.

You see this, Butters?
It's a glass of milk I poured for myself.

And you see this?
It's Hamburger Helper.

Now, would you mind telling me

what Hamburger Helper is doing
in this glass of milk?

Why is Hamburger Helper
in a glass of milk, Butters?

- I have no idea, sir.
- I'll tell you why!

Our pantry
is always kept organised alphabetically.

But somebody put
the Hamburger Helper

where the Nestle Quik
is supposed to go!

I'm sorry, Dad. It's just,
I've been really preoccupied lately.

- See, there's these kids at school...
- What keeps a family together, Butters?

- A well-organised pantry.
- That's right!

If you keep putting food back
under the wrong letter, it all goes wrong!

Now, you will reorganise this entire
pantry, and you will do it right.

Well, okay, but, Dad,
you gotta listen to me.

Kids at school are starting to change.
They've been...

You do it right now
or you're going to be grounded!

- You got that?
- Yes, sir.

Jeez. Nobody will even listen to me.

It's like nobody even cares
that there's vampires at the school.

I try to help,
and all I ever do is get hollered at.

I'll bet vampires never get hollered at.

Vampires just get to do
whatever they want.

"All mortals share a soft repose
My soul doth dreadful vigils keep

"More keen than which
Hell scarcely knows"

What is that kid doing?

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.
Butters, what are you doing?

I'm Butters.

So?

O, creatures of the night,
I seek audience to engage with thee

in unholy darkness and thus do...
And thus do unto your bidding.

What?

I wanna be a vampire.

- You're not cool enough to be one of us.
- Yeah, I know.

But I think I would make
a really good vampire, if you just...

Just give me the opportunity.

We'll think about it.

Go get us some sodas
out of the pop machine in the commons.

- Yes. Yes, anything else?
- I want some Cheetos.

Soda and Cheetos, yes.
I'll be right back.

Where'd it go? You see where it went?

Yeah, it's right over there
by those vampire kids.

Yeah, it's right over there
by those vampire kids.

What? Hey, hey!

We aren't vampire kids,
we're freaking Goth!

Whatever, Dracula. Why don't you
turn into a bat or something?

So lame.

So lame.

You guys, I do not want to be grouped in
with douchey little vampire kids.

So lame.

See? Isn't it cool back here?
It's all dark and isolated.

This would be a great place
for a vampire meeting!

Get out of our space, you little twerps!

More preppy straight-A students
turning into vampires.

What the hell is going on?

I've done what you've asked.

A case of Dr. Pep-er
and Cherry Twizzlers.

Who are you gonna give this to?
I mean, vampires can't eat people food.

You have done well.

Are you ready to become one of us,
per se?

- Yeah, I guess.
- Are you sure?

Because once you're in
South Park Vampire Society,

you can't ever leave.

Well, I'm sick of being pushed around.
By my dad, by kids at school.

Then it is time
for your transformation, per se.

Let it begin!

This way. Prepare thyself.

And now you shall drink vampire blood,

and your transformation
will be complete, per se.

With this, thy transformation is done!

That tastes awful!

It is finished!

Welcome, Butters,
to the South Park Society of Vampires.

There you are, Butters!

Do you know what time it is?
Where have you been?

Butters, what have you done
to your hair?

Hey! Butters, we are talking to you!
Explain yourself, mister.

I no longer need
to explain anything to you, Father.

- What on Earth?
- That does it!

You are grounded for two weeks,
you got that?

You can't ground me.
For I am neither living nor dead.

How can thy ground
that which is ungroundable?

All right, I don't know what's gotten
into you, mister, but you're gonna...

Butters!

I am going to my room now,
for I must slumber, per se.

Now, kids, I understand
that you are very into this vampire thing,

but I don't want to see it get out of hand.

You kids need to understand
that your new little fad is scary to some.

Oh, my God.

- You've got the wrong flipping people!
- We aren't vampires.

I know that you aren't really vampires,
and I appreciate that you want to be cool

because vampires
are the "in" thing right now.

We aren't trying to be popular!

But just make sure
that this new little trend

doesn't become a distraction.

Here's a couple more,
Principal Victoria, m'kay.

Oh, no, are we in trouble?

I was just telling your friends
about what I expect of your...

We aren't friends.

Don't worry, ma'am.

As I was just explaining
to my new minions,

vampires are actually very spiritual
and deep beings, per se.

Allison Mertz is a vampire kid now?
This thing isn't going to stop.

Let's just face it.
They bogarted our style.

Everyone's gonna think we're trying
to be butthole vampires now.

We might as well go to the fricking Gap
and just buy normal clothes.

Well, at least nobody can refer to us
as vampire kids now.

It went this way?

Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl,
the big nose kid,

the midget and the kid
with pockmarks on his face.

- So we're back to that, are we?
- Shit.

Let's get out
of these freaking Gap clothes.

Sorry, Eric, but I am a vampire now,

and I can no longer survive
on human food.

And if someone must die
so that I can feed, I choose thee.

Wonder what side
I'm supposed to do it on.

Probably doesn't matter.

Butters?

- Butters!
- I can't do it!

I can't do it!

Dude, gross.
You got spit all over my neck. Mom!

Butters just gave me a hickey!

I'm so hungry, but just remembering
how that blood tasted before...

Blood is all clammy and tomatoey.
It makes me want to...

- Dude!
- You all right, sweetie?

What's going on?

Well, Mom, apparently Butters is gay,
finds me very attractive,

and confused about his sexual identity,
puked up all over my floor.

- Oh, dear.
- Yes.

I walked into the cafeteria today.

Rebecca Miller and Phillip Rust
were dressed like vampires,

drinking Clammato juice
with four kids from the football team.

Jesus.

It's like there's more vampire kids
every freaking day.

Why is this happening?
I mean, why now?

Doesn't matter why.

Pretty soon the whole school
is going to be an endless hive

of conformist happy-go-lucky
vampire wannabes.

It seems like that preppy
Mike McKowski kid started all this.

- Maybe he's the way to stopping it.
- What do you mean?

I mean, what do you do
when you want to change vampires

back to normal?
You get rid of the head vampire.

- Does your mom know you took her car?
- Do I care?

- All right, this is probably good enough.
- Yeah, pull over here.

Please! What do you want? Let me go!

- What should we do with him?
- Well, if he's a vampire,

I guess we should drive a stake
through his heart.

No! No, I'm not a vampire.
I'm not a vampire!

- What's that?
- I'm not really a vampire!

You're not really a vampire? Really?
I'm so freaking shocked.

If we get the right packaging,

we can just FedEx him
somewhere far away.

How about we send him
to Transylvania?

Nah, he'd probably see it
as something to brag about someday

- To his little vampire buddies.
- If we're gonna send him somewhere,

it should be the most horrible,
most miserable place on Earth.

- Scottsdale!
- Scottsdale!

Butters, we just got a call
from Mrs. Cartman!

Butters! Unbelievable!
He's locked the door!

Butters, this is your father!

Explain why you snuck into another
boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey!

Butters!

Butters,
you will open this door right now!

What have I done to myself?

I should have known I wouldn't
have the stomach to be a vampire.

I'm so hungry.

Butters, you have five seconds
to unlock this door.

One, two...

- Butters?
- Hey, Dad.

Butters, did you get gay
with one of your schoolmates tonight?

I have to eat, but I can't do it.
I'm getting weak.

All right.
Now, you listen and you listen good.

Until you stop behaving this way,
you are not going to leave this room!

Do you understand?

I know now what I have to do.

Stephen, what has happened
to our boy?

He's become something, Linda.

Something that we cannot ground.

I just don't get it.

We sent the head vampire kid
to Scottsdale,

but still more and more kids
are dressing up like vampires.

He must not have been
what was causing it.

- It must be something else.
- Hey, you kids gonna order any food

or just sit there
and drink coffee all night again?

Leave us alone.

Bad enough I always get stuck
with you Goth kids.

Now I've got Goth kids
in my entire section.

They aren't Goth,
they're douchey little vampire kids!

- Looks the same to me.
- I bet they aren't even drinking coffee.

No, they said they're too young
to drink caffeine,

so they're having orange juice.

Let's go over there

and tell them they are not taking
Village Inn from us, too!

Forget it! It's over, all right?

There's too many of them now.
We can't stop them.

Let's just face it.
The freaking vampires beat us.

Maybe not.

Did you say
you're trying to get rid of the vampires?

- I want to help you.
- Get away, douchebag.

Some legends say
that if you destroy the vampire's lair,

the vampires go back
to being human again.

- What are you talking about?
- I can take you

to the place where kids
are being transformed into vampires.

Hot Topic? When did this open?

Two weeks ago.
It used to be a Banana Republic.

Of course.

Freaking Hot Topic.
That explains everything.

How did we not figure that out?

Of course a new Hot Topic
must have come to town. Duh!

Well, I think we all know
what has to be done.

- Yep.
- Let's get to it.

- Hey, what the hell are you doing?
- You should probably get out of here.

- What the hell are they doing?
- They're putting an end to it!

Mom! Dad!

- I've changed back!
- What?

Goth kids burned down the Hot Topic,
and sure enough, soon as they did,

I tried eating a hot dog,
and it tasted good!

My vampire teeth even fell out
when I bit into it!

I'm human again!

We have no idea
what you're talking about, Butters,

but we're glad you're home!

That's right, Son.
There's only one thing I care about.

What's that, Dad?

Well, would you mind telling me
why there's Rice-a-Roni in my coffee?

Butters, you are grounded!

Dang it!

It worked, Linda.
Our son is groundable once more.

Fellow students, over the past week
there's been a lot of confusion,

and so we have asked for this assembly

to clarify the difference
between Goth kids and vampire kids.

Let us make it abundantly clear.

If you hate life, truly hate the sun,
and need to smoke and drink coffee,

you are Goth.

If, however, you like dressing in black
'cause it's fun,

enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks
and following the occult

while avoiding things
that are bad for your health,

then you are most likely
a douchebag vampire-wannabe boner.

Because anybody who thinks
they are actually a vampire

is freaking retarded.

Fuck all of you.