South Park (1997–…): Season 11, Episode 2 - Cartman Sucks - full transcript

"Cartman Sucks"

I'm going out to South Park,
gonna have myself a time,

Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation,

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night,
people spouting howdy neighbor,

I'm heading out to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind,

I like girls with big fat titties,
I like girls with big fat titties,

So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine,

This picture
I like to call "The Pierre."

I invited Butters
to stay the night.

And while he was sleeping, I made
a mustache on his face with cat poo.



And this time, when Butters stayed
the night, I put a tampon in his mouth.

I call this picture
"The Sleeping Menstrual."

This one, I call
"Hot Fudge Mondae."

I really like how the light plays with
the background on this one.

Is this all you brought us
over here to see?

Oh no,
there's much more.

Let's see. Oh yes, look at this one.
I call it "New Moon Rising."

I did a whole study
using my ass.

Here it is using
some high-contrast stuff.

Trying out some different
light filters here.

But this is nothing compared
to what I have planned.

Because tonight is going
to be my coup de grвce.

- Butters is staying over tonight?
- Yes.

And tonight, while Butters is asleep,
I am going to--



Hey, fellas!

Oh, oh, hey, Butters!
I wasn't expecting you so soon.

Yeah. I finished my chores
so I came over a little early.

Hey! Are you guys
all sleeping over too?

No, no, these guys
were just leaving.

Weren't you guys?

Come on, let's go.

Wait, wait,
I can't let this happen.

- Butters.
- Yeah, Kyle?

Don't you think
it's a little strange

that Cartman keeps
asking you to stay over?

Kyle!

- What do you mean?
- I mean, that if--

What he means
is that he's jealous

that you've taken his place
as my new best friend!

But grow up, Kyle!
Change is a part of life.

Yeah, grow up, Kyle.

So what do you
wanna do first, Eric?

You wanna play a game or
just chitchat for a while?

Well actually, Butters, I think
we'd better hit the hay pretty soon.

- But, it's only 6:30.
- Yeah, and I'm exhausted.

If you are not sleepy yet,

I have some more of that nighttime
cold medicine you can drink.

You guys! I got it!
It seriously!

It's the greatest picture ever!
Oh my God!

What'd you do
to Butters this time?

It was genius!

I waited till
he was totally asleep, right?

And then I got my camera
and I pulled down his pants

and then I took a picture
of his wiener in my mouth!

Dude!

I know, I know,
check it out, look.

I got his whole wiener
in my mouth, see?

Oh man, I got him good!

Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener
in your mouth getting him?

Because that makes
Butters gay now!

No, dude,
that makes you gay!

Eh... what?

You put a guy's wiener in your mouth,
that makes you gay, stupid!

- Nuh-uh.
- Yeah-huh!

Kenny, that doesn't
make me gay, huh?

That makes you
very fucking gay.

But I'm not--
I'm not gay, you guys!

You are now.

- No, no, it was a stupid mistake!
- Doesn't matter. You're gay now.

No, it was
just for a second!

What, what can I do?
How how can I reverse this?

- You can't!
- No, wait.

I know how you
can reverse it, Cartman.

How?

The only way
you can cancel it out

is to get Butters to put
your wiener in his mouth.

Really?

Yeah. Then it cancels
out the gay polarity.

Shit,
I gotta find Butters!

Idiot.

- Butters.
- Hey, Eric.

Butters, guess what?
I have a surprise for you.

- A surprise? What is it?
- It's so fucking awesome.

You're gonna be so stoked.
It's the best surprise ever!

Oh, boy!

- You ready?
- Yeah!

Okay! Just open your mouth
and close your eyes

and get on your knees!

Oh, okay!

- Hang on a second here.
- How come uh, I can't see?

Cause then it wouldn't
be a surprise, would it?

Oh, yeah.

All right, that's good.
Okay, open your mouth, Butters?

- That's good, just like that.
- Hey!

Hey, wait a minute.
This ain't a trick, is it?

Why, you're not gonna,

stick something yicky
in my mouth, are ya?

I swear on
my mother's life, Butters.

I am not going to stick anything
yicky in your mouth.

Okay!

All right, you ready? All right just-
Okay, open. Okay, okay, here it comes.

Just sit very still, okay?
Here we go.

- Butters!
- Hey Dad!

- Butters! What are you doing?!
- I'm getting a surprise!

Oh my God!

My, my only son,
reduced to this!

Hey. Where'd Eric go?

Butters, how long have you been
doing stuff like this?

- Like what?
- Don't lie to me, Butters!

I know your secret now!

No, wait, wait. It's okay.
It's okay, Butters.

This isn't a serious problem.
You're just bi-curious.

- What's bi-curious?
- You are.

Just harmless curiosity
and it doesn't mean anything.

We just need to get you
some help, Butters.

What's going on,
you two?

Nothing, Mom, I'm just
a little bi-curious.

Father Maxi, I just don't know
where else to turn.

You see, I've just learned
that my son is bi-curious.

Is that true, son?
Are you feeling confused?

Yeah, I'm pretty
confused alright.

You see?

Young man, these confused feelings
that you're having

are simply the Devil's way of trying
to get ahold of you.

- Really?
- What can I do, Father?

There is a special camp

where young men who are
confused, like your son

can go and be cleansed
by the power of God.

Many bi-curious boys come out of
the camp completely cured.

A secluded camp where lots of
bicurious boys are all put together?

- That sounds like a good idea.
- Whoa, boy! Camp!

Very funny! I suppose
you think you really got me!

What are you
talking about, fatass?

I checked on
the internet, Kyle.

And getting Butters to put
my wiener in his mouth

wouldn't make me
not gay like you said!

- You figured that out, huh?
- That's right.

And I also learned
from the Internet

that just because I put
Butters' wiener in my mouth

doesn't mean I'm gay!

All I have to do is
throw away the picture,

forget it ever happened
and nobody will ever know.

- Except for us.
- Right, except for you.

And all the people we tell.

- Why would you tell anybody?
- Because it's really, really funny.

It's not that funny.

There's lots, there's lots of things
that are way funnier.

- Like what?
- Like...

A tampon in the school cafeteria,
in somebody's lunch.

Like...

A dog crap,
on a guy's face!

- That isn't funny.
- Yes, it is!

Now you guys, I'm getting pissed off!
You'd better not tell anybody!

Well, maybe we will,
maybe we won't.

Fine! Whatever!

You guys don't have any proof
I put Butters' wiener in my mouth!

It will be your word
against mine!

And we all know
that everyone trusts me

way more
than you guys!

You guys, please
don't tell anybody.

Okay.
We won't tell anybody

as long as you are super-nice to us,
every day, from now on.

Oh right, like that's possible!
Alright, fine!

You know what
I'm gonna do, Kyle?!

I'm gonna go home and
photoshop the picture

so that it is your face
with Butters' wiener

in his mouth here!

And if any of you say
anything to anybody,

I'll simply show them
the picture of Kyle.

Everyone, say hello to our
new camper, Butters.

- Hi, Butters. Hello.
- Hi. Hello, Butters.

Thank you so much
for taking him in.

Don't worry.

Your son
just needs to learn

that he can be straight
if he chooses to be.

Do you know why you're here
at camp, Butters?

Because I'm bi-curious?

That's right.
Like all the campers here,

you're confused and you don't
think there's a way out.

But even though some people
would have you believe

you can't control
how you feel,

the truth is that with the power
of Jesus Christ, you can be normal.

Now, just to make sure
you don't slip up while in camp

we assign every camper
an accountabilibuddy.

Let's meet Ryan,
your accountabilibuddy.

Ryan thought
he could never change.

But now he's learning that with
the power of Christ and prayer,

he can have
a whole new life.

Over this way, we have the cafeteria.
All the meals are served there.

Bradley! How about you be
Butters' accountabilibuddy?

Humble yourselves therefore
under God's mighty hand

that he may lift you up.
Peter 5:6

Butters here
is new to the camp.

He's chosen to rid
himself of his affliction

and forge a personal relationship
with Jesus Christ.

I'm bi-curious.

Do not lie with a man
as one lies with a woman,

that is detestible.
Leviticus 18:22.

That's right, Bradley. I think we're
well on our way to being healed.

- We've got another one, room 22.
- Oh, darn it!

- Aw man, I've got H O R S now.
- Okay, my turn.

Where is it,
you filthy Jew?

- Where's what?
- You know goddamn well what!

Let go of me.

What the hell are
you doing, Cartman?!

I went home
to alter the picture of me

with Butters' penis in my mouth
to look like Kyle

but it was gone!

What did you do
with my picture?!

Knock it off! I don't
have your stupid picture!

- Give it back, Kyle!
- I don't have it!

I swear to God, Kyle,
if you don't give it back right now

I'm gonna break your fucking
Jew legs right here!

- Shut up!
- You shut up!

You're lying and you two
are covering up for him!

You know what?
You're just like Jews yourselves!

Stan, you're a Jew and Kenny,
you're a Jew! You're all Jews!

The Lord is love this for

With Jesus, I can just say no,
and not be confused anymore.

We will now hear a sermon
from Pastor Phillips.

For those of you
who are new to camp,

Pastor Phillips is
somebody who has broken free

of the bonds
that afflict you.

He's bi-curious too?

Not anymore.
Because Pastor Phillips prayed

and by the hand of Jesus Christ,
he's now completely cured!

Let's hear it
for Pastor Phillips, kids!

Hello, campers!

Yes, believe it or not, I myself
used to have unclean urges

and like a lot of you,

I thought I was just made that way,
that I didn't have a choice.

But then I realized that God
didn't want me to be that way!

God wanted me
to be a man!

So I buckled up
in my little suit

and I prayed to be normal
and guess what?

It worked!

That's right, kids. You see,
right now, you're like a paper clip.

And just
like a paper clip,

God needs to bend you
and shape you

and make you straight.

So you say
you were robbed.

Yes. A photograph.

And I know who took it!
His name is Kyle Broflovski!

If it's a photo,
what's the big deal?

Why don't you just
print out another one?

It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is
my property and I want it back!

Okay,
what is the picture of?

Why does that matter?

Well how are we gonna
find your picture

unless we know
what it is?

- All right. It's a picture of me.
- Yes?

It's a picture of me...

and what appears
to be a penis...

in my mouth.

- You were sucking somebody's penis.
- No, no, I was not!

I was asleep and this person
just puts a penis

in my mouth
without me knowing!

And--and took the picture!

- I see.
- Yes.

Now it may appear
in the picture

that I'm actually looking at
the camera lens and smiling

with the penis in my mouth
and giving a thumbs up.

But I assure you,
I was fast asleep!

Well, we'd have
to get a warrant first,

approved by a grand jury.

I don't have time for that!
We have school tomorrow!

And I know that Kyle
is gonna show the picture

to everybody
during Show and Tell!

Well then,
you're screwed.

You both do understand
that we're trying

to save your souls from
eternal life in hell?

Well sure, I guess.

Only through Christ
can we cleanse our souls.

And you do know the rule
which states

that no impure
or immoral images

are allowed to be seen
by the eye?

Well yeah, sure.

So let's purify ourselves
from everything

that makes the body
or soul unclean.

Corinthians, chapter 7.

Then do you mind telling us
why we found this,

1979 Sears mens underwear
catalog in your room?

That's mine.

You know
this is strictly forbidden!

Ah, I don't understand.
What's wrong with underwear?

What's wrong?!
This is what makes you confused!

Don't you get it?!

This is confusing you
right now, isn't it?!

Yes, it's all
very confusing!

This is just as much
your fault, Butters!

Bradley is
your accountabilibuddy!

That makes you
accountabilibuddyable.

Both of you boys' behavior
has jeopardizing

all of the work
we're doing here

to save these kids!

Right. For having contraband in
your room, you will both do penance

by writing scripture
for the next four days!

That son of a bitch. He's gonna
show everyone that picture.

Only twelve hours
from now.

That's it.
I don't have a choice.

I'm gonna have to bring
Mom in on this one!

I'm going to have
to tell her the truth.

Eric? What's the,
what's the matter?

I don't wanna go
to school tomorrow.

Sweetie, shh! Tell Mommy
what happened.

Kyle has
a picture of me

and he's gonna show everyone
during Show and Tell.

And everyone's gonna
laugh at me.

Oh, now
why would he do that?

Because he's jealous of how
much smarter I am than him.

So, he's gonna show
everyone the picture.

What is
the picture of, Eric?

Last time, when Butters spent the night,
I was being really nice to him

and I was gonna take a picture
of him for his mom to have.

Oh, that's nice.

But then, right
when I took the picture,

Butters got really hot

so he pulled his pajama bottoms down
and then I tripped and fell down

and my mouth landed right on his penis
and then I thought of something funny

so I smiled up at, the camera
and gave like a, thumbs up

and then Kyle took
the picture from me

and he's gonna show it
to everybody

and make them think
I'm gay.

Oh, there there, sweetie.
It'll be okay.

These things happen.

But, Mom, I've been trying
to get the picture back,

but he won't give it to me.

It's okay, Eric.
I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother.

You will?

But that he loved us
and sent his only son

to be the satisfaction
of our sins.

Neato!

Butters, I'm sorry for getting
you into trouble.

Aw, that's okay, Bradley.

I really want to get better.

I try to do everything
the counselors say,

but somehow,
I still feel confused.

Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish
writing all these verses

we won't be bi-curious no more
and then we can go home!

You're really terrific, Butters.
I mean, I think you're great.

Oh God! Bad thought!
Bad thought!

- What's the matter?
- I think, I think I like you.

- Well I like you too, Bradley.
- You do?

- Well, yeah!
- You like like me?

Sure, I like like you
a lot a lot.

Oh God, we're both unfixable!
Don't you see we're lost causes?!

We're just evil and
nothing can change us!

There's no other way out, Butters!
We have to kill ourselves!

No! Bradley! You can't leave,
you're my accountabilibuddy!

Hello?

Hello, Sheila?
It's Liane, Eric's mother.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Cartman.

Sheila, I'm sorry
to trouble you with this

but apparently,
your son has a picture of Eric

with another boy's penis
in his mouth.

Excuse me?

Don't worry, sweetie,
everything is fine.

It is? Really?

Oh, Mommy, thank you!
Thank you!

You have nothing to worry about
in school tomorrow.

Mrs. Broflovski assured me that
Kyle doesn't have the picture.

What?

She talked with her son
and says he doesn't have it.

- Mom, she's lying!
- She said she was sure, Eric.

Mom, you don't know
anything about Jews!

They lie all the time!

Well, Eric, there's nothing more
I can do about it.

Then that's it.
Kyle wins.

But he won't win completely!

I'm going to print out
another copy of that picture

and show it
to the class myself!

I can at least rob Kyle
of his final laugh.

Do you mind telling me how you managed
to lose your accountabilibuddy?!

I went looking for him,
but he runs real fast.

You don't seem to take
this camp seriously, Butters.

- I've called your father in for a talk.
- Oh no, my dad?

Do you understand
the concept of hell?

Do you realize that
if we don't fix you,

you will burn in
a lake of fire for eternity?

Well yeah, but I just don't quite
understand what you're fixing.

- We're fixing your confusion!
- There you are, Butters!

- Oh hey, Dad.
- What's he done now?!

Mr. Stotch, your son is insubordinate,
unwilling to change and worse yet,

he's lost
his accountabilibuddy!

They found him! They found Bradley!
You'd better come quick!

Oh Lord in Heaven!
Don't jump, Bradley!

Stay back!
I'm an abomination of God!

No, no.
We're fixing you!

Guess you think today is
your big day, huh Kyle?

To embarrass me
in front of everyone?

Well guess what?
I'm not giving you the satisfaction!

Okay students,
let's all take our seats.

Since it is Monday, we'll start
as always with Show And Tell.

Who'd like to go first?

Ow! Quit it, dude!

Okay Eric, Jesus, calm down.
You can go first.

For Show And Tell today, I would like
to share with you some very special,

very artsy photographs
I've taken in pursuit

of being
a respected photographer.

This first picture I like to call
"Moods of Winter."

A simple aspen grove shot
in high-contrast black and white

shows the brittleness of the trunks
and reminds one of death.

This picture I took just
as the sun was rising

and this lonely man
was walking to work.

A statement about all of
our loneliness, perhaps?

He isn't going
to actually show everyone.

And now this next picture...

Don't jump, Bradley! You will
only make God angrier with you!

It's too late.

Bradley, please.
You're my accountabilibuddy.

How will this make me look?

You get back. You're only
gonna make things worse.

I'm not normal.
I'll never be normal!

You're perfectly normal,
Bradley.

Get back! You're just
as confused as he is!

All right.
All right that does it!

I am sick and tired of everyone
telling me I'm confused!

I wasn't confused until other people
started telling me I was!

You know what I think? I think maybe
you are the ones who are confused!

Yeah.

I'm not gonna be confused anymore
just because you say I should be!

My name is Butters, I'm eight years old,
I'm blood type O and I'm bi-curious!

And even that's okay!

Because if I'm bi-curious
and I'm somehow made from God,

then I think your God must be
a little bi-curious himself!

I think. I think
I'd like to come down now.

He's coming down!
We did it!

Through the power of Christ
we have saved this child!

Well Butters, I guess
we might as well go home.

- Looks like you're never gonna change.
- No. I like being bi-curious.

Well you know something?
So do I.

Wait.
Now I am confused.

And this photograph, I took of a sunset
near the power plant.

Note how
the contrasting images

make a statement about
our impact on the Earth.

Which brings us
to my last picture.

This picture you may find
somewhat controversial.

Dude.

Yes. This is shot at a 5.6 aperture
using a low-light filter.

You can see the grain from
the high-speed film...

There's sort of a penis in
my mouth right here...

and the low depth of field keeps
the background soft.

Eric, what the hell is this?!

What this is, is a statement
against the war in Iraq.

It's wrong that we still have
our troops there. It's wrong!

- And what I think that--
- Eric Cartman?

We got an emergency message
from your mother?

Do not show picture.
Kyle didn't have it after all.

Found it under your desk.

She said you'd know
what that means, m'kay?

Lame.