Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 8 - Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood - full transcript

Shall we hang 10?

Cowabunga, sire.

Thou art so righteous!

Be off the sands by dark,

or ye be facing the danger!

Good evening,
ladies. Ah, heh heh!

Show us your wares.

Mmm, yes, splendid, splendid.

Well, hello, hello, hello!

Ain't you a sight
for me sore eyes.

My name is nutragena.

Would you like some
company for the night?

Well, I might lay out
a curt schilling or two,

but tell me, do I get to spend

the whole evening with you, luv?

I'll show you a good time...

For eternity.

Oh, gang, isn't this a thrill?

We're hosting this year's

lifeguard convention.

Wow! All these people
from faraway places.

Places I'll never know.

And the best thing
about being the host city

is getting to put on the
annual lifeguard show,

directed by our own
Jamaica St. Croix.

Thank you, thank you!

Jamaica, how come you're
not acting in the show?

Because this year you
have a real actress... Moi.

Besides, I got stage
fright something fierce.

Well, you know who's
going to be at the show,

my old friend from
Israel noccus johnstein.

He's here to receive
the convention's

lifeguard of the year award.

It's quite a... Chhhonor.

Kimberlee, you look like
you just lost your best friend

who you were hiding
in the attic.

I just... i see all these people,

and I realize that I need
some adventure in my life.

I guess I just
want to feel free.

Free? Did someone say free?


Noccus, aren't you
gonna blow the shofar?

No, but I might want
to nosh a little.


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Tonight's episode...

Boychik, how's my favorite

group of pork eaters?

Ah, great!

Noccus, how's your daughter?

The woman who took my heart

and a big chunk
of my schwansenoodle.

Ah, you mean chcch!

Well, chcch married
a man from Belgium.

It's perfect.

Chcch and someone flemish.


I'll get this one.

Help, lifeguard, help!

Noccus, I'd like you to meet

our newest recruit...
Porcelain Bidet.


I've heard Jews
control Hollywood.

Think you can get me in?

Does the name Alan king

mean anything to you?

Porcelain, did you know

that noccus and I
fought together

in the 3 day war?

I thought it was the 6 day war.

Well, it was, but I was
able to get 50% off.

Heh heh heh!

Bubeleh, what's the matter?

Is it that time of the month?

Are you waiting for
the red sea to part?

No, noccus!

I've just been feeling

like there's
no adventure in my life.

You want adventure?

Try my wife's boiled chicken.

It's made with real boils.

Ha... ehh!

Chief, chief!

A body has been
found by the dock.

What a lucky break. Was
the doc able to save him?

No, Notch! He means

there's a dead body
down by the pier.


He's Indian.

Porcelain, they're
called native Americans.

No, Jamaica, he's a
lifeguard from India.

Well, noccus, why don't
you lead us in prayer?



Ohh! Ohh!

Now, why don't we all
split up and go find out

who killed this
one little Indian boy.

Chief! What about
the lifeguard show?

I need everyone for rehearsal.

I'm sorry, maica, I need
everyone on this case.

But the show must go on,

and I'm counting on you
to make it a success.

How am I gonna make a
successful show without a cast?

The black girl's right,

but as long as she has me,

she's got a cast.

Porcelain, you are so smart.

Ok, you do the show
with Jamaica.

Chip, you wait here
for forensics.

Kimberlee, you come with me.

Ugh! Oh, Notch.

Excuse me, goddess,

I couldn't help but notice

what a shapely tochus you have.

Sorry. I only date
wealthy married men.

Oh, so it's gelt that you want.

Well, I'd be willing
to go as high as, say,


But you have to be gentile.

It's the ultimate taboo!


Heh! Just stick
around here tonight.

You'll pick up something.

Maybe even a woman.

Bite marks!

My great-grandfather spoke
of bite marks like these.

Hey, buddy, can I get
some help over here?

Easy, toots. Now what can I do

for a fine-smelling
lady like you?

It seems a little dark
over there, Ellen.

I can fix it in a lick.

Hey, Mac, can I have

a number 3 spotlight over there?

Uh, whoops.

You're gonna have to wait.

Union break!



Who do I talk to

about this piece of crap
disguised as a script?

That script was written by a
very distinguished playwright.

Well, whoever this
Aaron sorkin is,

he must be on mushrooms.

Where are the other actors?

I wanted to be later than them.

About the actors...

Because of the short notice,

we kind of had to settle.


Hello! Hello! Hello!




I can get the same thing

down the street wholesale.

You get it? Hole sale!

Ha ha... ehh!

What about me?

I'll show you a good time.

How much?

It's free.

Free? That's my
favorite 4-letter word!

So then noccus tells me,

"who cares what she looks like?

I gotta do her
through a sheet anyway."

Ha ha ha!

I didn't get it, either.

Now, my fellow civil servants,

it is my pleasure to present

the lifeguard of the year award

to my good friend,
Israel's noccus johnstein!

Well, I'm sure if
noccus was here,

he'd say something
in Jewish and... Leave.

Notch, I'mporried about noccus.

It's as if he's vanished.

This is so unlike him.

He knew we were serving
free Chinese food.

Chief, Kimberlee! I think
we have a big problem.

I found noccus' clothes
down at the dock.

That's where we found
the dead Indian.

If my great-grandfather
was here he'd say,

"dieses ist die arbeit
eines vampiren".

Speak English.

This is the work of a vampire.

Ok, let's rehearse
death of a lifeguard.

Hello, Linda, I'm home.

Where are our
sons biff and happy?

Hiya, pop. Catch!

Nice throw, son.

And here's our genius son happy!

Porcelain, could you
play that more real?

I'm sharing a stage

with a man who lives
in a dumpster,

and you're giving me notes?

I'm gone!

Awaken, my slaves. Awaken!

Your mistress is not happy.

Last night, you were
to steal the souls

of 14 humans.

I need 35 souls
to live for eternity,

but someone...

Did not meet their quota.


But I've been with you

for 5 bloomin' centuries!

And one nightgoes by,

and I don't make
my bloody quota!


You are not a happy queen.

No, I am not, count noccula.

Therefore, we must find you

more children of the night.

And from these children,

you will get the blood

that nourishes your dark soul.

And look at the beautiful child

I already brought you.

Mmm mmm mmm!

Let's just say

she went down for the count.

Hey, look at this, Notch.

That man from India wasn't
the only one murdered.

Kimberlee, did you
know that I'm cursed

with the heartbreak
of eczema elbow?

12 conventioneers are
reported missing,

plus noccus and Porcelain.

Professor Milosevic
says it needs sunlight,

but this portable tanning
device might do the job.

Did you hear anything I said?

People are dying
in Malibu Adjacent,

and we don't know why.

I know why!

What is this?

It's nothing to chuckle
about! Read this!

Vampires for dummkopfs.

Ok, what is all this?

My great-grandfather
from old Bavaria

wore these clothes
when he hunted vampires.

And these are the tools he used.

A cross, wolfsbane...

Hey, garlique tablets!

I hear they're just
as good as garlic,

but odor-free.

And now I'll pull out
my really big tool.

Uh, Chip, look.

The vampire is a myth,

just like the hair fairy.

Really? Well, besides all
the missing lifeguards,

did you know that the corpse

of the dead Indian
has been stolen?

And the blood banks
at the hospital

has been broken into and robbed?

Vampires are among us!

Trust no one!

Ok, Notch, this just
gets weirder and weirder.

What... what was that?

What was what?

Well, I thought I saw...

Tsk! Never mind.

Good evening. Ohh!

I am noccula.

Noccus! We were
so worried about you.

Rabbi, there's something
different about you tonight.

Why is this night different
from all other nights?


You want adventure.

Why don't you join me

and the other children
of the night?

Hey, uh, noccus,
before I forget,

you never picked up your
lifeguard of the year award.

That's odd. I can see
myself in the mirror,

but I can't see you.

Oh, I know why.

Made in Taiwan.

Kimberlee, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I just need a little fresh air.

Yeah, you go ahead.
I'm gonna stay here

all night and crack this case.

We cannot let another
international lifeguard die.



Good evening again.

You say you want adventure.

Well, let the adventure begin.

Aah! Ohh!

You're now one of the
children of the night.

Oh, pff-pff-pff-pff!

Good evening, Notch.
Aah! Kimberlee!

Uh, hi. The, uh, um,
eczema elbow was spreading.

I thought you weren't well?

Oh, Notch, I'm feeling
much better.

And I'm having
such an adventure.

Well, every day's an adventure

when you work for
me... Notch Johnson.

That's far enough,
Kimberlee of the dark!

Kimberlee's now one of them.

She sucks the life
out of people.

Kimberlee's a divorce lawyer?

She's a vampire!

"Vampiren kommen nachts heraus,

und sie drinken frische blut!"

Damn it, Chip!
What does all this mean?

This means this book
is 72 years overdue.

But listen to this.

In the night of the third
moon in the summer month,

if the lead vampire
is killed before dawn,

then all those bitten
will return to normal.

But, Chip, it's
4:30 in the morning.

Sunrise is at 5:26.

You should've read this earlier!

This was on page 7,002!



This was my friend Gustav
who works at the crematorium.

He said even more bodies
are missing from the morgue.

He also said

the blood bank's been
broken into again.

He also said he's been
told to deliver

35 coffins to the old
Maxwell house.

The Maxwell house!

Wake up and smell the coffins.

You call yourselves vampires?

I need 2 more dead souls
before dawn, or I will die.

In that case,

listen to me,

children of the night.

What was that?

Oh, that's better.

We must work quickly
and find 2 souls.

In 10 minutes,
it will be daylight.

Not so fast,
you divorce lawyers!

Our prayers have been answered.

Get them! Bite them!

Suck them dry!



Get him!

Notch, muffled: Hey,
let me out of here!

Come on, it's dark!


Chief, open the curtains!

We don't want to
miss the sunlight.

Sunlight? I got
your sunlight right here!

Nobody's gonna suck
on this Johnson!

Chip! Crossbow!

Unh! Aah!


Boychik, is that really you?

Notch, what happened?

You were all

children of the night.


But thanks to my
great-grandfather's book,

you're now back to normal.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's celebrate!

I'll take all of you
out to dinner.

And you know what
I'm in the mood for?

A nice bloody steak.

Son of the beachwill
return after this.

Come on! This is ridiculous.


Hey, gorgeous, you better get

your cast out there, pronto.

The lifeguards
are getting restless.

I have no cast.

Porcelain stormed out.

Chappy and Milosevic
got in a fist fight, and...

Hey, Jamaica, you can sing.

No, Ellen, I have stage fright.

Stage fright?
Oh, I got over that.

Believe it or not,
I'm a big thespian.


I've been in such classics

as meatless in Seattle,

when Sally met Sally,
and American pie.


Yeah. To get over my "shyness,"

I imagined the audience
in their underwear

or sitting on the can.

Audience, chanting:
We want a show!

We want a show!

Get out there!

We want a show!

We want a show!

We want a show!

We want a show!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I imagined the audience
in their underwear,

or sitting on the can.


Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show
was about the dangers

of biting other people's necks,

commonly referred to
as the hickey.

A hickey is one of
the most embarrassing

and unsightly blemishes
known to mankind.

Watch as I give one to Michelle,

our wrap up girl.

Hi, Notch. I'm ready
for my hickey.

Heh heh heh!

Isn't that just terrible?

That's why the folks at Notch
Johnson protective cruise wear

have come up with this item...

The hickey dickey.

Ooh, my dickey is so soft!

Now, Michelle, how'd you
like to suck on my dickey?

I'd love to, Notch. Mmm!

You see, no matter how hard
Michelle licks, bites, or chews,

there's no unsightly
Mark left behind.

And your dickey feels so good!

Thank you. So until next time,

this is Notch Johnson saying

ride the big one.

You see, my dickey
comes in a lot of

different sizes, too.

It can vary from day to day.