Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 9 - Godfather Knows Best - full transcript

Prison mail come and get it.


Prison mail?

Why are prisoners writing to us?

It's my Notch Johnson
state pen pal program.

Wow! Look at the size
of Porcelain's pile.

Where is she, anyway?

Oh, she called in sick.

She must have had an audition.

She's sick...
And she's auditioning?

Now that's commitment.

I'm down to only one letter.

From a guy who's
into pregnant chicks.

Eww, the pages are
all stuck together.

Where does he get off?


Oh, my god, listen to this.

"Dear Jamaica,

"I saw you on the
okra Lee gifford show,

"when you found out okra
was your mother.

"Do you still have
that birthmark

shaped like the island
of Jamaica?"

Jamaica, you have a birthmark?

Yeah. See?

Funny, I never noticed that.

Ok, but how does
this guy know that?

"I know that because
I'm your father."

"Love, prisoner number 24601.

"P.s. I'll be released from
Malibu Adjacent state pen

at noon, Tuesday."

That's today!

Are you my daddy?


Are you my daddy?

I... are you my daddy?

Nah, I ain't.

Vinnie fellachio.

Don't tell me
they let you out again.


And I'm gonna spend some
quality time with my daughter.

Jamaica, I'm your father.

Search your feelings.

You know this to be true.

I'm a fellachio?


Captioning made possible by
fx networks

Tonight's episode...


Look. Can't you see
the resemblance?

Well you both have... Faces.

No fairsies!

Now Jamaica's off
on Martin Luther King

and Columbus day?!

Well, I'm gonna go spend
the afternoon with Vinnie.


No, thanks, Jamaica,
we already ate.

Watch it. Oh...

Hey, Porcelain,
how'd the audition go?

Great! I'm on TV right now.

Oh, great, I'll grab my clicker.

Welcome to the number
one Christian show

in Malibu Adjacent,

wake up, white people.

I'm your hos Mrs. Strawther.

Now, as you know,

we recently lost our co-host

when she tragically admitted
that she had Jewish blood.

Today we're trying out
a possible replacement.

Let's have a big wake
up, white people welcome

for lifeguard Porcelain Bidet.

I would like to thank
2 very important people

for this wonderful opportunity.

You, and a man I
like to call Jesus.

Now, rumor has it that you
have some really juicy dirt

to lay on us.

Praise the lord, I sure do!

I was recently stunned to find
out a colleague of mine is pregnant.

But get this... she's carrying
the baby out of wedlock.

And she doesn't even
know who the father is.

I wonder who
she's talking about.

It's you, B.J. watch.

Heavens to pat robertson!

What is this
heathen hussy's name?

Her name is B.J. Cummings.

Oh, my god!

Look how thin I was!

I was hot!

Yeah, your mom and I
go way back.

It's a classic love story.

Boy meets crack whore...

Boy gives crack whore a fix...

Crack whore can't pay...

And boy bangs crack whore
in the back of his car.

You took her in the back seat?

She must have been
so hurt when you left.

And when I saw the okra show

and realized you were
my bambino,

I decided to change my life.

So you're quitting the mob?

Yeah. I got this dream.

I wanna open up this
little Italian restaurant.

You know, a carafe of
white, a carafe of red,

maybe a carafe of rosé instead.

I'll meet you any time you got

at that Italian restaurant.

Porcelain, how could you
do that to B.J.?

This is a new low, even for you.

I'm a moral and ethical person.

Uhh... I've gotta get out
of this goddamn dress!


Women, chanting:
Cummings should be going...

Oh, no, it's Mrs. Strawther.

What is the uprising?

Cummings should be going!

Cummings should be going!

What is the meaning of this?!

It's all my fault for having
a baby out of gridlock.

We demand the resignation
of pregnant B.J. Cummings

because she's a whore.

Women, Porcelain: Whore!
Whore! Whore! Whore!

This woman is not a whore!

Then she's a slut!

Slut! Slut! Slut...

That's more like it.

Sl! Slut...


We refuse to have
our children exposed

to this shameless floozy

who was knocked up by a man
she can't remember.

Women, Porcelain: Can't
remember! Can't remember!

Can't remember... now, stop it!

Now, stop it! Now,
stop it! Now, stop it!

Look, Mrs. Strawther,

there's no reason
B.J. should resign.

And I'm not firing her.

I can't stomach the thought
of B.J.'s discharge.

Then I'll see you in lifeguard c

Lifeguard court!
Lifeguard court!

Lifeguard court...

Lifeguard court?
What's lifeguard court?

Kimberly, lifeguard court
is only the highest court

in the sand.

And I'm the bailiff...

But someday I hope to be

the persecuting attorney.

B.J., don't worry,

nothing is gonna happen to you

or that precious little baby

inside your big,
bloated stomach.

You're a cute little
baby bastard, you are.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

See, Jamaica,
dreams can come true.

Vinnie, this place is a bomb!

Where?! No...

No, uh... Um...

That's ebonics for bellezima.

No... your face is bellezima.


Now, do you think
you can call me dad?

Hey... i have a dad!

I'm the first one on my block!

Bye, dad.


Cigarettes. Ecstasy. Roofies...

Come on! Come on! Come on!

So, how'd it go, boss?

My daughter's a wonderful broad,

morbidly obese Frankie.

And now that she thinks
I'm legit,

we could own this town.

Notch Johnson will finally
be off our hairy backs.

Lifeguard court
is now in session.

All rise.

Our honorable judge,
Lance speedo, presiding.

Please be seated.

Mrs. Strawther, you
may call your first witness.

As a Christian woman

and potential full-time host

of wake up, white pple,

I was proud to be
an spf-30 lifeguard,

until I discovered I was
working with a trampy skank. O

And, miss Bidet...

Is this trampy skank
in the courtroom today?

It's B.J. Cummings!

Before this happened,
I was a virgin.

That means Santa claus
had never slid down

my freshly-scrubbed
pink chimney.

Are you telling this court

that your gal leather was
never oiled and stretched?

No man had ever dipped
his cookie in my jam pot.

And you claim not to
know who the father is?!

Isn't that convenient?

So, Mr. Johnson,

you're saying
that B.J. Cummings,

by being pregnant,

hasn't broken
any lifeguard rules.

You are correct, sir.

Ha ha ha.

That was my
Johnny Carson impression.

Thank you.

Uh... The defense rests.

Your witness.

So... b.j. Cummings
hasn't broken any rules?

Would you read
for us this article

from the spf-30lifeguard manual,

item number nc-17o1?

Or... din... ance...

"Sta... teth...


Thaaa... "

give me that! I'll read it.

Show off.

The ordinance
specifically prohibits

"unwed, pregnant lifeguards

"from the employ of the city

of Malibu Adjacent."

And the lifeguard
must spend the term

of her pregnancy...

Wearing this.

No! Not the Scarlet burqa!

Crowd, chanting:
Whore! Whore! Whore...

I'm sorry, B.J., but
the law is the law.

Notch, do something.


B.J.'s baby does have a father.

And that father's name...

Is me.

What?! Huh?

That's right, I'm
the illegitimate father

of pregnant B.J.'s baby.

He is?

It happened one night,
7 months ago,

October 14th,

at precisely around 7:33 P.M.

You see, I have
a pornographic memory.

The attraction between B.J.
and myself was unmistakable.

But the temptation for B.J.
was so strong,

she seductively took my hand.

Our passion was so great,

What followed was
a giant explosion.

That passion spread
like wildfire

and I enjoyed
every minute of it,

until she couldn't
take it anymore

Notch, is this true?

It is true.

So there's only one
thing left for me to do.

B.J., will you marry me?

Why not?

I'm dying to get out
of this burpa.

Case dismissed.

Mrs. Strawther, I didn't know.

I swear on my life-like breasts!

Please give me another chance

to be your co-host.

You'll have to come up with
something a lot better than this!

Wow, Notch, I always thought

you weren love with Kimberly.


Anyway, congratulazione.

Listen to her.

She learns Italian in one day.

My little puttanesco.

Fellachio, I had
my doubts about you,

but after tasting these
delicious spaghetti-os,

I can see you're a
legitimate businessman.

Thanks, Notch.

B.J., antipasto?

No. Actually, I'm for pasta.


Boy, that was some
Italian dinner!

Yeah, you're dad's hot
sausage really filled me up.


I forgot my
Italian-to-ebonics dictionary.

You guys go on without me?


And the funniest thing is,

she's actually learning Italian.

Ha ha ha ha ha!


What's wrong with your neck?

What... what's the matter?

This isn't what it looks like.

Vinnie, please!

Ok, maybe it is
what it looks like.

So, what are you going to do,

rat me out to Notch Johnson?

Yeah, she's always been
loyal to that boccigalupe.


I would never rat out
my own pops.

But I would make some
changes around here

if I was runnin' this place.

That drug girl
should be at the door

so the players get high
before they gamble.

That Blackjack table
should face the hos

so the Johns get horny
while they blow their cash.

And these bitches need
to show more ass.

The kid's a genius.

So, I guess the cannoli
don't fall far from the tree.


Jamaica, welcome to the mispuka.


Notch, what are you doing?

Shh. Listen. It's so cute.

B.J.'s got morning sickness.

Ah, there's my cupcake.

Notch, you never
called me that before.

No, I mean there's my
cupcake, on your lip.

Heh heh.


Mmm... ma!


You know how much I enjoy
to watch old security tapes

to, uh... Relax.

Well, guess what's in my hand?

That's ok, Chip.

It's the tape of October
14th, at 7:33 P.M.

That's the exact time Notch claimed
to have stuck his tubensteaken

into B.J.'s cockenhauser.

Let's stick it in!

You're makin' us some money.

You passed phase one
of the test.

Great. What's phase 2?

Phase 2 is about
killing Notch Johnson.

That's right. You gotta
prove yourself, sweetheart.

See, boss? I knew she'd
be loyal to that scivozza.

Quit bustin' my balls,
you fat mook.

I'll make the hit.

Notch Johnson's dead to me.

"Our passion was so great,

what followed was
a gigantic explosion."

That was the explosion
of passion?!

I knew it was a lie!

He was just protecting B.J.

Hey, Porcelain's back
on Mrs. Strawther's show.

Porcelain, I understand
that you have

some new dirt,

but this time you have proof?

Yes, I do.

Praise Jesus.

Lifeguard Kimberlee Clark
is a lesbian.

A bagel bumper?

Well, that is the kind of dirt

that I would expect from
my new permanent co-host.

A lesbian?!

Ok, Porcelain, this is war.

Oh, goody... I love a war.

And now the moment
I have made you wait

an hour and a half for...

Porcelain's proof that Kimberlee
Clark is a clam smacker.

This tape shows Kimberlee Clark

giving mouth-to-mouth
to a woman,

and enjoying it, shall we say...

A little too much?

Roll it.

Hi, there, tall,
dark, and handsome.

I'm Rouge.

My, what big ears you have.

No... No! It the wrong tape.

Take it off!

No, no. Stop it!

Stop it right now!

In the name of all that's holy,

what the is going on here?!

Who switched that tape?!

Oh, well, I just
thought that would be

so much more interesting

than this tape of me
saving the life

of an 80-year-old woman.

I needed the money.

Besides, there's a scene
with me and the 2 ponies

where I do some
really good acting.

You are so fired!

It's all set.

Johnson's on his way down here

to talk to me about my
resigning from the spf-30.


Now, when I give you the signal,

you excuse yourself.
You go to the ladies room.

That's where the gun's hid.

After you make the hit,
you're a made woman.

I'll make the hit,

but I ain't nobody's maid.

Jamaica, if you want
to quit the force

to spend more time
with your dad,

you have my blessing.

Thanks for understanding.

Ahem. Mind if I go
to the bathroom?

Hey, you gotta go, you gotta go.

So, Notch, how's the business?




Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You did it!

You pulled of the hit I ordered.

And now I have all
the evidence I need...

For this bust.

You're wearin' a wire?!

Ha ha ha!

It's over, fellachio.

Nobody whacks this Johnson!

Oh, my god!

I can't believe it. My own
daughter's a stool pigeon.

And it's not much fun

to be stooled on, is it?

Jamaica, I'm your father.

And Notch Johnson
is my godfather.

Uh oh...

I don't feel so good.

Oh, no, here comes
my morning sickness.

Just not in the face, huh?

Son of the beach
will return after this.

Tonight's show was about
a new group of immigrants

who just arrived
in this country...


And if there's one thing
Italian-Americans love to do

even more than pouring concrete,

it's singing.

That's why I put together
this compilation called...

You get classic
Italian-American songs like...

I cannoli love you,
you cannoli love me

you'll have to wait a moment

'cause I have
to take a piiii-zza!

But that's not all.
You also get...

I didn't like my neighbor's dog

so I shot him in the head

his barking kept me up all night

and now he is a-dead

Order now and you get this
bonus Italian-American folk song...

Goom-buy-ya, my lord


Yes, 44,000 of your favorite
Italian-American hits

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Look at all the songs
you'll get.

Songs your wife
and girlfriend will love.

And all this for
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But you better hurry...
Dago fast.

So, until next time,

this is Notch Johnson saying...

Ride'a da big one.