Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 7 - You Only Come Once - full transcript

Minus 11 degrees?

Chief, can you
believe this farkatke

they say it's from
that storm in Mexico...

"Al Biño."

At least you two have
those snuggly warm parkas.

Yeah, Kim, and I can
see you got a cold front.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to get my mink
out of storage.

Porcelain, do you have any idea

how many minks died
to make that coat?

Oh, wait, Kimberlee,
I love these!

I don't know.

How many minks died
to make that coat?

About 65!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

That one never gets old.


A heat wave in Alaska,

rain in the Sahara,

snow in Malibu Adjacent,

and slick hair in Germany!

At last, I pfected
the technology

to control the weather.

I will make them pay
for what they did to me.

The man they call...


Ha ha ha ha ha!


Captioning made possible by
fx networks

Tonight's episode...

What is going on here?

First snow and now wind?

This wind is so strong!

It must be from the east!

Let's see if we can make it

back to headquarters.


Uh... What?

Anyone see where my
thick, natural hair went?

Oh, dear god.


There, step-sisters.

I've finished the scrubbing.

I did the ironing.

I did the windows.

Now, is that enough
to pay my rent?


You still gotta patch up

the bullet holes in my car.

Yes, velveeta.

My toilet bowl needs cleaning.

Yes, gruyere.

And my bra needs detailing!

Yes, provolone.

Jeez, I thought
Lincoln freed the slaves.

That's what happens

when you come
crawling back home.


Gettin' all high and
mighty moving out,

but you couldn't
make it on your own.

Mm-hmm! Maxed out
all those credit cards

just trying to buy some food.

Hmm. Which reminds me...

It's time for my 3:00 feeding.


Okra Lee gifford's on!

Girl, you ain't
gonna watch okra.

She's what got you in trouble

in the first place.

Her and all her
perspirational messages,

like "live beyond your dreams."

You mean, "live beyond
your credit limit."

Ladies and gentlemen...


Today, I have
a confession to make,

deeper and darker

than the confession
that I used crack

or that I drank cleaning fluid

or that I let men
go in the out door.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Today, I'm confessing

that when I was a teenager,

I had a child,

and I sold it
on the black market.

I've discovered

that the name
of this child is...

Jamaica St. Croix!

Kimberlee, my darling.

Normally, we'd
be sipping champagne

on the salty Johnson.

But, as you know,
my boat capsized

from this horrible weather.

Fortunately, I can make hot,
saucy love to you anywhere.

Excuse me, my darling.

Don't move.


Greetings, agent Johnson.


I hope I'm not
interrupting your,

shall I say,

cherche la femme.

"F," you... Old dog!

I haven't seen you
since we stopped

that plot against the queen!

Yes, and Elton John thanks you,

but enough of this gay banter.

Notch, I need you to
assemble your unit immediately

for a very dangerous mission.

Just give me 4 minutes.

Thanks for coming in
the middle of the night.

Notch, is that
what I think it is?

Is that who I think it is?

Oh, no! No, my darling...

I mean, uh, Kimberlee.

It's my, uh...

It's my, um...

Uh, um...


Gang, I want you
to say hello to "f."

Who the "f" is "f"?

He's my ol' mate, luv,

from her majesty's
secret service.

I think you'll find his
effeminate English accent

very convincing.

Thank you, sir notchable.

I'm sure you're all aware
of the bizarre weather

that's happening
around the world.

"F," any idea what's causing it?

It's not a what. It's a who,

and his name is stinkfinger.

Larry stinkfinger,
the adult film star?

No. This stinkfinger
has an actual stinkfinger.

So does Larry.

This stinkfinger's finger
was permanently damaged

after experimenting on ways
to close the hole in the ozone.

While releasing gases
into the atmosphere,

there was
an accidental explosion.

Those are the worst kind.

The trick is to not let it go.

Otherwise, you'll end
up playing peekaboo

with a mud turtle.



And to make matters worse,

he never received a dime
of workman's compensation.

So now he's taking
revenge on the world

by trying to control
the weather.

"F," you've come
to the right man.

I have a feeling your
stinkfinger is right up my alley.

You think you gonna
be on okra without us?

Ohh! Suddenly, you're okra fans.

We're hitchin' a ride
on your gravy train!

Mmm! Gravy!

I loves me some gravy.



Now, stinkfinger has been known

to use smelly gases as a weapon.

Only a coward would
use gas as a weapon.

Not to worry, Chip.

The English are famous
for their work

in smellular technology.

What's the latest invention?

A clothespin?


But the ultimate weapon
is these pills.


These pills are to be
taken only as a last resort.

They give one the most
dreadfully frightful case of flatulence.

That creates the one thing

that can overcome
any gaseous odor.

Your own smelly gas.

"F," you may not
own a toothbrush,

but you are a genius!


Now, stinkfinger
uses a casino as a front.

When you go undercover,

I recommend a disguise.

I've got the perfect one.

No one will ever
suspect it's me.




sniff my first phalange

and you're doomed

I'm the cat with the aroma

that puts chicks in a coma

you'll think
a body's being exhumed

be careful how you talk
to the hand

don't mess with
the digits of wealth

because when this little
piggy goes to market

the market's shut down
by the board of the health

Ha ha ha ha!


olfactory danger
right down to the nail

you'll recognize my smell

only if you've been to hell

when I remove my clothes

just don't inhale

stinkfinga-tinga- tinga-tinga

Nice voice.


You could be Tony Bennett's son.


Welcome to my casino, Mr...

Stain, Peter stain.

Allow me to introduce

my large German bodyguard,


And this is my large
Asian bodyguard,


Would you like to know
why we call him handjive?

No, thanks.

I fell for that trick
once in the coast guard.

And who is this
sweet-smelling flower?

I'm Holly go-tightly.


You're a very
lucky fellow, Mr...

Stain, Peter stain.

Perhaps you'd like to try
your luck at our Blackjack table.

I could get you some Chips.

Chips, pretzels, zesty nachos,

whatever you got.

Today is our biggest show
this week.

Meet the baby
that I gave up for adoption,

the child that never got to suckle
on my twice-reduced breasts.

Jamaica St. Croix!


My little estranged baby!

Aww! Aww!

You are beautiful!

I can't believe I'm finally...

You'll get your chance.

I should point out

that Jamaica was raised

by a loving
lower-class family...

With no driver,

no summer home,

not even a live-in.

With her today are
her 3 lovely step-sisters.

I'm velveeta.

I'm gruyere.

And I'm out of doughnuts!

I can't believe
I'm meeting my real mom.

Camera 4, can we get
a close-up on that tear?

We have a lot
of catching up to do.

So tonight, we're gonna
have a private dinner.

Just you and me...

And you, the American public!

Ok, it's all clear out here.

So if this is the entrance
to the casino,

where's the entrance
to stinkfinger's lair?

Apparently, the entrance
is through a manhole.

Don't worry!

I've entered many
manholes in my life.

The first one
was at boarding school.

One of the older boys took...

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me!

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Are you sure you
want another card, Mr...

Stain, Peter stain.

Can somebody get me a name tag?

Come on. Hit me.

Hit me.

Come on. Hit me.

Hit me!


Hit me.

Hit me...

And stay!

Ha ha! Read 'em and weep!


Player busts.

Uh, speaking of which,

I feel like a little craps.

You like dice games?

No, it was all
those zesty nachos.



Notch, light a match.

No, no! Handjive, matches!

Don't do that.

I'm not permitted near fire.

Find out what that's all about.


Just do what you do best.

Oh. Ok!

Not with me!

With him!


Jamaica, it's been
wonderful dining here

in your cozy
government-subsidized house.

Thank you, okra.

No, no.

Please. Call me mom.

Ok, mom! Ok, mom! Ok, mom!

There's nothing more precious

than the bond between
mother and daughter.

Finally, I know
what that's like.

This is okra saying, "live
beyond your dreams."


Oh, mama!

What you just said

means the world to me.

Yeah, sure.

Now, one more thing.

When you're a wealthy celebrity,

a lot of people try to
lay claim to your fortune.

Say no more. Mom.

I don't want your money.

Say what? What?!

Then you won't mind
signing this.

Thank you, eggman.

By signing this,

you waive the rights
to all of my fortune,

but in return,

you'll receive $25,000.

All you care about is yourself,

your money,
and your stupid show.

Jamaica, wait!

We can work this out!

Get the scotch tape!

Find all the pieces! Quick!

Mr. Stinkfinger.

You're very wealthy.

I can tell by the
cut of your clothes.

Yes, you can say
I'm stinking rich.

Ha! Ha! Ha ha ha!

Have you smelled my carnation?



And now, young woman,

you will tell me
what your real name is

and what you're doing here.

My name is Porcelain Bidet,

and I'm here with Notch Johnson

to foil your evil plans.

Hey! I'm down to my last nickel,

and the machine's about to pay!

I don't think so,
Asian bodyguard.


Your game is up, Mr...

Johnson, Notch Johnson.

Welcome to my secret lair.

Before you die,

perhaps you'd might like
a whiff of my evil plan?


You drew a map
of the entire world!

You monster!

No, you idiot!

That map shows the changes
in the weather

since I emitted foul gases
into the atmosphere.

I call it the outhouse effect.

Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha!

You'll never get away
with this, herr stinky.

Oh, I think I will.

And the fun is going to begin

with Mr. Johnson.


Enjoy yourself, Mr. Johnson.

Spend a little time
in my stink tank.

Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!


Ha ha ha!

Why don't you watch a little
smellovision, Mr. Johnson?

It will be a gas!

Ha ha ha ha!

Forget about it, stinkfinger!

My top people
will be here any minute

to rescue me.

Do you mean these top people?

You bastard!

Get me to the jet fast.

I need to get somewhere warm

like Alaska.

So what now, stinkfinger?

You expect me to give up?

No, Mr. Johnson.

I expect you to die

from my lethal poopy odors.

Heh heh heh heh!

Ha ha ha ha!

Enjoy yourself, Mr. Johnson.

Perhaps now
you won't be so nosy.

Ha ha ha ha!

Great Caesar's salad!

What died in here?

Oh, my god!

We're spinning
wildly out of control

and crashing!

If Jamaica took that okra money,

we wouldn't be
freezing our booties off.

We interrupt this program

to bring you
this special bulletin.

TV icon okra Lee gifford

has been critically injured
in a car accident

caused by icy roads.

Okra is in Malibu Adjacent
general hospital,

clinging to life
with 2 damaged kidneys.

Oh, my god!

Nose hair burning.

Notch, you can't give up!

Notch, the pill!

Take the pill!

What pill?

Must take pill!

What pill? What is this?

What is this pill?



What's happening?


Eww! Eww!


Stench! Whiff! Reek!

Get him!

I'll take that!

Porcelain, unchain
"f" and Kimberlee.


The jig is up, Mr. Stink.

Spf-30, clothespins on!

Excuse me!

It's time to clean
you up, stinkfinger.

Show them why they
call you handjive.

That's why they
call me ironballs!

No, no!

Don't pull the plug!
I beg of you!

I can make you all filthy rich!



Look! It's going back to normal.

Who says you can't do anything

about the weather?

Ha ha ha!

Well, stinkfinger,

you're looking a little flushed.

Not as flushed
as you're going to look

when I give you a whiff of this!

Smell it, Mr. Johnson!

That's right! Enjoy it!

Take it all in!

Ha ha ha ha!

All of you!

You like it, don't you?

Smell it, I say!

That's right! Ha ha ha ha!

Boy, somebody light a match!

Coming right up!

No matches!

Oh, oh, oy vey!


Oh, yeah!

Bravo, sir notchable.

I'll let the queen know
of your good work.

Elton John?

No. George Michael.

Ha ha!

Well, that stinkfinger can
really light up a room and leave.

As much as I liked his money,

in the end, he can kiss my ash.

Hey, Jamaica!

You're black from your vacation!

Well, it wasn't
much of a vacation.


I donated a kidney to my mom.

Don't turn around now,

but there's a colored
lady behind you.

That's no colored lady.

That's my mama.

Your mama? Your mama? Your mama?

Okra's your mama?
Okra's your mama?

That's right.

I'm her proud mother,

although I don't know
why she gave me a kidney

after how awful
I've been to her.

'Cause my whole life

all I've ever wanted
was a real mom, mom.

Aww! Aww!

If you're her mother,

who's her father?

Honey, I'm saving
that one for sweeps!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Captioning made possible by
fx networks

Oh, hi, teens!

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show
was clearly about...

What was it about?

Talk shows.

Talk shows.

Folks, the American talk show

has become the cesspool
of our Democratic culture

with topics like

"you stole my man.

"Now, you can kiss
my big black ass.


And finally...

"My fat daughter
dresses like a ho,

so let's get a drill
sergeant to yell at her."

Folks, let's be on the lookout

for people with names like...

Maury, montel,

Sally, ricki, springer,

and the worst offender
of them all,

this handsome young man
with the obvious hairpiece.

So until next time,

this is Notch Johnson saying

ride the big one.

Oh! No, people! No!