Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Gay Team - full transcript

Who are you? What do you want?!

Mr. Anderson, welcome...

To the gaytrix.

Help! Aah!


That's the fourth
missing man this week.

A poet this time.

So, it's obviously money
they're after.

A 4-star chef, a
minister, and a rabbi?

Wait! I know this one.

Do they walk into a bar?

The one thing these
men have in common...

They're all at the top
of their professions.

You listen to me, spf-30.

I want every ounce
of attention devoted

to finding these missing men.

Nothing can get
in the way of... hey!

Who sent the gift basket?

It's from the guy
we saved from drowning.

His company makes
horny goat weed.

Isn't that the natural
alternative to Viagra?

Why would he send that to me?

I have no problem

getting and maintaining

a good, stiff erection.

Well, meeting's over.

Go find those people.


Oh, Notch, one other thing.

What is it, Kimberlee?

Never mind.

Tonight's episode...

Have you seen any
of these men at all?

They're missing.

Well, thank you. I
appreciate all you're doing.

Notch, Notch,

I need you to marry me
right now.

Porcelain, I'm flattered,

but I hardly know you.

No. Perform the ceremony.

Aren't you the
captain of a ship?

No, but I am a notary public.

Good enough. Well, now wait.

You're getting married?

I didn't even know
you were engorged.

Who's the lucky John?

He's someone who's romantic,

handsome, successful...

Add intolerant,
and he sounds perfect.

You remember Nick pappasmearos?

I call him "snuggles."

Here he is now.


Did I mention he's filthy rich?


I know you're a mermaid
who lives on land now,

but if you're going
to be my girlfriend,

you have to wear clothing.


Now, put something on!

No! You have to cover
your boobenfrugen.

Yes, sir, we have found him.

We have found...

"The special one."

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today to...

Hurry it up! He's flatlining!

Ooh! Ooh.


Porcelain, do you take
snuggles to be your lawfu...

I do. Now ask him.


Snuggles, do you take
Porcelain to be your wife?

Huh? Close enough.

Oh, snuggles, it's beautiful!

I now pronounce you

old man and hot young wife.

Such firm buttocks.

Who are you?

Mr. Rommel, we think you
have enormous potential.

We think you can
conquer the world.

It's all part
of our master plan.

Master plan?

Now you're cooking with gas!

And all you have
to do is cross into...

The gaytrix.

I don't know any gay tricks.

Allow us to teach you.

I-8-1, u-8-1-2.



It's a gay, gay world...

Where am I?

Mr. Rommel.

Welcome to the gaytrix.

I created this world.

My name is heinous anus.


Not yet...

But the night is still young.

But why doesn't this
place seem very gay?

In answer to your query...

Was that Abraham Lincoln,

the man who, for some
reason, freed the slaves?

Down here, he's known
as gaybraham Lincoln.

What's going on here?

I don't think I like it here.

I want to go home,

not homo!

It's a tad late for that, dear.

Wait. These are the men
who are missing.

All leaders in their
respective fields.

I plan to transfer
their talents into you.

You, Mr. Rommel,
are the special one.

The special one?

The special one to be my king.


Danke schon, but nodanke schon!

Just relax.

You're going to feel a
little prick in your throat.

Ouch! Ahh.


Look at me, mother.

I'm queen of the world!



Hey, that's Chip's
girlfriend, areola.

Areola, run down here
and tell us the problem.

I think Chip is missing.

I found his radio, his
iron cross, and his luger.

Where are they?

You better go get them.

Notch! They're over here!

Great! Bring them down here!

These could be Chip's.

Notch, it's not like Chip

to leave his equipment
hanging out.

Oh, great. Now I'm doing it.

Oh, my god!

It's my old army captain

turned space alien
buck entenille.

Captain entenille.

I know where the
missing men are.

Where'd they go?

They've been taken to a place

where men live with other men,

where men eat,
breathe, and sleep men.

It's called the gaytrix.

Notch, you're not gay, are you?

We've been over this before.

No, I am not gay.

Good! Neither am I.

Snuggles, aren't
you glad we decided

to honeymoon in Hawaii?

Oh, look, snuggles!

A coconut!

Hawaii, huh.

It's not like he knows
where he is, anyways.

Girl, you are just using him.

Our marriage is based on love.


And pudding.

Lots and lots of pudding.

So, captain,
what's this gaytrix?

Kimberlee, I once
worked for the c.I.A.

During the cold war,

we created an alternate reality

where world leaders
could escape to

in the event
of a nuclear holocaust.

Once the cold war ended,
the plans were canceled.

However, recently, one
renegade agent took over control

of this alternate reality.

His name is heinous anus.

This anus sounds dirty.

Yes, and he needs
to be reamed out!

I believe he intends
to make Chip

a part of his
evil... Gay empire.

I can't stand the way

Porcelain's treating snuggles.

What she needs is a taste
of her own medicine.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That my dangling milk bags
are about to burst?


That we need to make
snuggle's pudding extra special.

Captain, I'm not sure
I'm buying this.

Well, I guess I'll just have
to prove it to you, then.

See this beach?

It's all...

An illusion.

Here we are, white room,

brown club chairs,
by a station wagon.

Captain, this doesn't
make any sense.

Kimberlee, did the movie
vanilla skymake any sense?

No. Exactly, but wasn't
Tom Cruise delicious?

Captain, get me
to the other side.

I've gotta rescue Chip.

All right.

This phone will let us
monitor your movements

while scrambling their gaydar.

But won't everybody see it?

Not where I'm going to put it.

Wait a second.

That thing goes in my catflap?

My wazoo, my rosebud?

Yeah, your yam pod,

your dooky-wooky,
your hawain, uh...

Ok, we get the picture.

Just do it.

All right.

Uh, captain, how will we know

when the probe is in place?

Ha ha. Don't worry.

Notch will say something
to give me the signal.

Here we go.

I love you!

It's in.

Son of the beach
will return after this.

Notch, is the probe

No, I'm fine.

Are you sure he has to do this?

It's the only way to destroy
the gaytrix and save Chip.

Ok, let's roll.

Kimberlee, please
don't worry about me.

I can handle myself.

I've been handling myself

since the age of 13.

It's time, Notch.

Be prepared
to get sucked into...

The gaytrix!


It's a gay, gay world...

Notch, what do you see?

I see men, nothing but men.

Are they mostly brawny types

or some thinner, boyish ones

with fair hair and
come-hither smiles?

It's hard to say.

Notch, now that you're in there,

are you sure you're
not feeling just...

A little gay?

No, I'm not.

Good! Neither am I.

Now, we add the horny goat weed.

You think this is
gonna work on snuggles?

Well, it is horny goat weed,

and he is an old goat.

I want the biggest house
you've got.

Lots and lots of steps.

No, not a 10-bedroom.

I said, "a 20-bedroom."

What the...

We brought some
pudding for snuggles.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

No, 10 bedrooms is not
going to be enough for me.

Don't you understand?

Hi, snuggles!

We brought you some pudding.

Oh, pudding.

I think we're going to have
to feed him like a baby.

Oh! I can do that.


With a spoon.


Open up, cutie pie.

Mmm, pudding! Mmm!

Is it working?


I'm in the bar. What do I do?

Well, in order to find Chip,

you better find heinous anus,

and to do that,
you've got to blend in.

Great, but I don't
know how to act gay.

But wait.

I do know how to act like
Charles Nelson Reilly.

Say, barkeep,
I'd like a stiff one.

Ho ho ho!

No, a drink, you sillies!

Ha ha ha ha!

Wow, Mr. President.

Your yankee doodle
sure does look dandy!

Thank you!

Sorry I'm late, boys.

There was a big backup

in the Lincoln tunnel,

if you know what I mean.

Ho ho ho ho!

Good evening, peanut packers!

Our glorious moment
is coming fast

with the arrival
of the special one.

From him, I will clone

an invincible army of bunboys

who will once and for all

destroy the illusion
of the straight world!

Well, if you won't
put me in your movie,

then maybe my husband
will just have to buy the studio.

Snuggles wants...
Snuggles wants...

Yes, yes, I know. Pudding.

Can't you see I'm on the phone?

No! Snuggles wants...

Aah! Woo-hoo!

Ah, pudding! Pudding! Pudding!

Think of it, my darling.

An army made of a
million Chip Rommels.

As attractive as that
sounds, Mr. Pickle kisser,

I don't want you to turn me
into Frankenstein.

I don't want to be
any kind of Stein.

And you never will be!

I mean... and you never will be!


Who are you?

I'm Notch Johnson,

and I'm here to save
my friend and the world

in no particular order.

Nobody's gonna spoil
this bitch's party!

Get him!

Ow, that's hot!

You expect me to give up?

Things that you can do,
I can do better.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can. Yes,
I can. Yes, I can.

Look out! Behind you!


You expect me to die?

No, Mr. Johnson.

I expect you to be homosexual.


No, Notch!

Notch isn't responding.

What happened?

Well, I was afraid of this.

It's only a matter of time

before they find the probe,

and once that probe is removed,

his heterosexuality
goes down the Elton John.


Notch! Notch, if you
can hear me.

Ever since the day I met you,

I knew you were
the only man for me.

I love you, Notch.

That's why I will not
let you turn gay.

Notch, you have
the power within you

to remain straight
and wipe out anus.

Notch, help me!
I'm so very frightened!

Anus, prepare for Johnson.

Go ahead. Make my gay.



So that's what it feels like
to be inside another man!


Oof! Oof!

Notch! Oy vay!


Congratulations, Notch!

You brought back Chip

and the missing men.

You know, Kimberlee,
when I was passed out,

I had the strangest dream
that you said yoloved me.

Well, maybe i...

Like I said, it was
the strangest dream.

You know, before I go, Notch,

I'd like to ask you
one final question.

And the answer is still no.


Neither am I!

- Hey, you guys!
- What's up?

Hey, guys!

You know, I've been
so busy saving the world,

I need to get caught up.

What happened with our
newlyweds Porcelain and snuggles?

Ask Porcelain.
Here she comes now.

Ow! Ooh! Oh!

Well, I guess marriage
seems to agree with snuggles.


I'll get you two for this.

What's the matter, Porcelain?

Sore loser?

Oh, hi, teens!

Notch Johnson here.

Well, it's that time
of the month

when I show you my mail sack...

And pull out letters
from you, the teens.

This first letter comes
from Baghdad, Iraq,

where we do very well
with goats 18 to 34.

Whoa! No letter in there!

This next letter comes
from New York City

from an "H" stone.

"H" writes,

"what's with you guys, Johnson?

"What's with all the homo stuff?

How about something
for us straight guys?"

You're right, "H."

That's why I invited Michelle
our wrap-up girl here

wearing nothing
but a whipped cream bikini.

Hi, Notch.

I brought my friends
Tabitha and Samantha.

They like to party
and oil wrestle.


Oh, sorry.

Well, there ya go, "H."

Hope you're happy.

So until next time,

this is Notch Johnson saying,

"Ride the big one."