Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 4 - Three Days of the Condom - full transcript

Ok, ladies,

the fair starts in an hour.

Lipsticks, let's
pick up the pace!

Let's move your pretty
little fannies.

Chop. Chop.

Hey, Ellen. Hey.

It's so great you're raising
money for such a worthy charity:

Homeless lesbians.

Well, I hate to see women
go down on their luck.

Hey, Ellen, what do
people do at lezaid faire?

Well, we've got all kind
of great activities.

I like to watch
the pie-eating contest.

We've got a lot of great
celebrities coming this year,

like the ladies
professional golf team,

Eleanor Roosevelt,

kd wang.

Too bad B.J.'s not here.

She loves wang.

Yeah. Where is B.J. anyway?

I miss that little piece
of yellow tail.

Oh, she's in Washington
working as an intern.

I hooked her up with my good
friend congressman George bukaki.

B.J. was so proud
to work for bukaki,

you could see it
all over her face.

Yo, you gotta get down to hq.

They're doing a story
on TV about B.J.

Welcome to 50/50.

I'm your Asian
female news reporter.

In washingto federal marshals are
investigating the extramarital affair

between congressman
George bukaki

and his hot young intern,
B.J. Cummings.

Cummings, an spf-30 lifeguard
is also a virgin.

I asked bukaki if he had an
affair with the young intern.

Congressman bukaki, did you
have an affair with the young intern?

Well, all I can say is I've
been married for 34 years.

I've made some mistakes
in my life.

I'm not a perfect man.

But out of respect
for my family,

I won't go into any
of the details.

Fellow congressman Charles
foster Brooks has lashed out at bukaki.

It's time for my friend
from California to resign.

I don't think
the American public

is going to take bukaki
lying down.

While evidence
is still sketchy at best,

it's not too early to say
that congressman bukaki is...

Notch, this is terrible.

What we need is a battle plan.

You're right, Chip.

Jamaica, grab your 2 big bags.

Kimberlee, you'll need
your little ditties.

You're both coming with me.

Mr. Johnson's
going to Washington,

captioning made possible by
fx networks

Tonight's episode...

Washington D.C.,
murder capitol of the world!

Have a nice day.

Founded by our fathers,

now occupied by the brothers.

Don't worry. I'll handle this.

Jamaica, is that you?!

Boy, you really grew up

to be one fine-lookin' woman.

It's so good to see you,
uncle Ben.

Uncle Ben!

I am not a little girl anymore.

Notch, Kimberlee,

this is my uncle Ben.


What y'all doin' in D.C.?

We're here for B.J.

B.J.? Well, merry Christmas.

Here is ho, ho, and ho.

We need to get to capitol hill.

Can you take us there?

No problem.

I am your vehicle baby.

I will take you anywhere
you need to go!

So, Chip, with Notch gone,

I'm countin' on you
for security.

Some of the tougher gals
are pretty good with their fists.

I understand, herr Ellen.

I've been given
absolute authority.

Whoo-hoo hoo hoo,
Porcelain doll.

Porcelain, you are 2 hours late!

Cool it, sergeant Schultz!

I just got the worst news
anyone could get.

So you finally found out
who controls wall street?

No, Chip. I just lost a
part to Nicole Kidman,

only because she's famous.

Why can't I be famous?

Chip, I need you to gather
a mob at Anne vageneres.

Anne vageneres?

She's the first female TV star
to come out of the closet.

She's famous,
and I wanna be famous.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

I want a word with you.

Notch, all's well
in my district?

George, what's going on
with B.J.?

Notch, I've been married
for 34 years.

I've made some mistakes.
I'm not a perfect man.

Congressman! Congressman!

Congressman! Congressman!


Don't make me go off
on you, bukaki!

Porcelain, you're
out of uniform.

And you're not the only one
who noticed.

Chip, we got trouble. There's
been a rash of purse snatchings.

Don't worry, Ellen.

If there's one thing we
don't want going around,

it's a snatch rash.

I checked with the FBI
and police departments.

No sign of B.J.

I checked under every
desk at the capitol.

Notch, what do we do next?

I'm sorry, Kimberlee.
I wasn't listening.

That sign over there
reminded me.

I need to pay my respects
to some friends...

I left behind.


Why didn't they let us
fight that war to win?

You know, I thought we
won that war in Grenada.

Wrong, Kimberlee!

When we came home,
there were no parades.

All we got was a table
at tgi Fridays

and a plate full of hot wings.

Uh, Notch, these...
3 might be gone,

but there's still hope for B.J.

Is there, Kimberlee? Is there?

Oh, oh, madam, here you go.

Do you have change for a nickel?


What? What? What?

Oh! It is her!

B.J., what happened to you?

Who's B.J.?




Don't you recognize us, B.J.?

Notch, Kimberlee,



Notch, she must have amnesia.

No. It's even worse, Kimberlee.

She can't remember who she is.

Ew! Girl got a funk.

That's awful. You're...


No, Notch, she's pregnant!

No. B.J.'s a virgin.

She's never once opened
her pink, velvet, sausage wallet.

Notch, what do you
suppose happened?

Oh, I know what happened.

My good friend George bukaki
took virgin B.J.

And insperminated her.

B.J., think real hard.

Do you remember
having sex with bukaki?

I remember...

There was a room
and... and curtains...

And I was in love.

And there was kissing.

Was there any tongue?

B.J., you've got to remember.

Was there any tongue?

Notch, I remember touching
his brown starfish.


Notch, does brown starfish

mean anything to you?

No, but something
about it smells foul.

Ok, here's the plan:

You 2 get pregnant B.J.
to a safe house,

I'm calling bukaki.

Come on, B.J.

Let's go get you
something to eat.

You've reached the office of
congressman George bukaki.

Congressman bukaki has
been married for 34 years

and has made some mistakes
in his life.

Bukaki, it's Johnson.

I've found B.J. alive,
but pregnant.

Notch, this is George.

This line might be tapped.

Meet me at the park in one hour.

Oh, no. I'm not playing
by your rules.

You meet me at the
parkin one hour.

Fine. I'll be
wearing a disguise.

What's the difference between
men in New York and men in L.A.?

There is no difference.
They're men.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Thank you.

Anne vageneres.

Great set.

Yours ain't so bad, either.

I'm Porcelain.

This is my first lezaid faire.

Let's just say
I'm a little... Curious.

So you've never played
for our team before?

Well, in college, there was
this one crazy slumber party.

Buoçi don't know. Would
something like that count?

Let's just say
the salmon are running.

Mmm! You've got me hungry.

Why don't we go... Eat out.

I wanna catch
the purse snatcher, too,

but are you sure this
is a good idea, Chip?

It better be.

This duct tape is killing me.

Nice disguise, bukaki!

Now, tell me about
your little brown starfish.

Come on, Bobby.
Get away from him.


Uh... no, thanks.
But you wanna buy a DVD?

I got dude, where's my car?

Oh, sorry, man. I have no cash.

That's ok. Pay me next time.

Wow. Thanks!

Hello, Notch.

Oh, my god! You're Gabe kaplan!

No. No, it's me.

It's me... George bukaki.


I know what you're thinking,
but I did not get B.J. pregnant.

How can you be so cocksure?

Look, it's kind of
embarrassing, but i... I have no...

I have no testicles.

Oh, really?

No balls?

No boy marbles?

No man grapes?

So you won't mind if I do...



So if you didn't
get B.J. pregnant,

who did?

Well, what did she say?

Pregnant B.J. doesn't
remember a thing.

She has magnesia.

They probably drugged her.

Listen, Notch...

As chairman of
the offshore drilling committee,

I've held back a bill that would
allow drilling off Malibu Adjacent.

Well, now there's a secret
organization who wants me out of office.

But who are these people?

Uh, congressman, I really
like you and all, but, uh...

Uhh! Brown starfish.

My friends, time is wasting.

We can no longer depend...

Hey, Notch, that's the committee

bukaki was the chairman of.

And the cost to the average
American is just too great.

We need to act!

As devastated as we are

by the loss
of congressman bukaki,

we have to stop bickering

and start drilling the crap...

I mean, the crude
out of Malibu Adjacent!

Malibu Adjacent.

Notch, this is exactly what
you were talking about.

I know, and it's going to
destroy the "envirnment."

I can't take this
mother Hubbard no more!

Go down and get me a DVD,

a 40 and some kools.

I've got a DVD right here.

Ooh, but I still need that 40
and those kools.

"Hey, dude, where's my car?"

Oh, it's a classic.

You see, the dude doesn't
know where his car is.


Brother, you got
a bootleg, there.

That's Charles foster Brooks.

Agent b-12, you will terminate
bukaki's intern B.J. Cummings.

Once bukaki is forced to resign,

I'll become the chairman
of the drilling committee.

B-12, succeed,

and you will be initiated into
the order of the brown starfish,

and you'll get
your little brown ring.

The brown starfish.

Where did you get this?

Some greasy guy
in the park gave it to me.

B.J. is Brooks the man
that got you pregnant? No.

Well, that rules out Brooks.
In any event,

we've got to get down to the
capitol and show them this DVD.

We've gotta jam.
They're takin' the vote!

Hey, you guys need a ride?

Thanks, anyway,
uncle Ben. I'll run.

Feet don't fail me now!

Look at me. I'm such
a lesbian with a purse.

I'm just a horny pussenlapper.

Is this Mike Walker
from the enquirer?

Anne vageneres will kiss a heterosexual
actress at lezaid faire today at 3:00.

Hey, get back here,
you snatcher!

Excuse me. Hey!

Oh! Uh! Uh!

Stop! What are you doing?
He's a man!

Then there was second grade,

my teacher's name
was Mrs. Macinteegle.

She was my favorite teacher
at that school.

Then, when I was 10,

My family moved... young lady,

we've waited an hour
for Notch Johnson.

Where is he?!

Oh, here he is.

Notch, tell them
what you've found.

What Notch wants to say is
that B.J. Cummings is alive.


That's impossible.

Oh, I... I mean,

do you have proof of this?

Members of congress,
I give you all, B.J.


Oh, Notch also says
that the person responsible

for the disappearance
of B.J. Cummings

is you, Charles foster Brooks.

This is an outrage!

Notch Johnson, what do
you have to say for yourself?!

That DVD contains some
of the most disturbing images

the world has ever seen.

"Dude, where's my car?"

No. It's a recording
of a secret meeting

where you plotted the murder
of B.J. Cummings,

hoping to ruin George bukaki, so that
you could pass this offshore drilling bill.

Um, I told you people,
when I returned,

Mary Jo and the car
were already gone.

This committee's in recess.

I have to do something.

Ohh! Oh, my god!
He killed himself!

No. He missed.

Aw, he missed again.

This cat's a bad shot.

He dead.

I would like to thank the
distinguished out-of-breath lifeguard

with an overbite for
bringing this to our attention.

You have restored honor,

and, uh, dignity
to this chamber.



Gluh... whuhh...


Glad I could help.

Touched by a
priestcontinues after this.

So how you feelin',
pregnant B.J.?

I think I'm getting
my mammaries back.

I can remember everything
but who the father of my baby is.

Well, no matter what, B.J.,

we're gonna be there for ya.

And for that little bastard
inside you.


Whoever you are.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Captioning made possible by
fx networks

oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson, here.

Tonight's show was
a living history lesson

about america's forgotten war:

The war in Grenada.

I say Grenada.
You say "grehnahdah."

Many people called it
"Reagan's folly,"

but, as you know, I was Dutch
Reagan's undersecretary of defense,

and I beg to differ.

That war changed the life of
many a grenadan or "grehnahdahn,"

including my own
foster daughter.

Folks, meet madora juanita conchita
Alonso disuarez cariba cervesa,

but I just call her "Gwyneth."

In 1983, I found Gwyneth
when she was just an infant.

Her mother had left her alone just
long enough for me to grab the carriage

and bring her to a
new life in america.

I took her home, clothed her,

bathed her,
and gave her a warm bed,

as I still do today.

You see, that war
did make a difference.

So until next time, this is
Notch Johnson saying...

Ride the big one.

No. Not... not you, Gwyneth.