Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 5 - Witness for the Prostitution - full transcript

So, Ellen...

You can see why I can't
take it anymore.

I don't even know if
your answering machine

is getting any of this,
but... Good-bye.

I'll miss you.


And with the young
dead sorority girl

still in our prayers,

let's move on
to something happy.

We're here today
not only to honor a man,

but to dedicate
a new building to him...

Notch "Sucma" Johnson.

Thank you, Dean Feldman.

Now I'd like to do something
I've always wanted to do.

Hey, deean. Ha ha ha ha.

Always begin your
public speech with a joke.

You know, when I first
proposed devoting

an entire building
to lavatorial science,

many of you poo-pooed the idea.

But a new wind has
broken across america.

Can you smell it?

Because now, when I look
down and see our movement,

yes, it seems corny.

Some of you may find it nutty.

But I, for one,
feel flush with hope.

Notch, we'd be honored

if you'd christen the
state-of-the-art toilets.


I think I can speak
for all of us

when I say, "this is
one small crap for man,

and one humongous
bowel movement for mankind."

Now, without further ado-doo,

I'm breaking the sanitized seal.

Ok, here we go.

In 5... 4...

3... 2... 1...

I'm flushing.

Uh-oh, S.U.C.M.A.,
we have a problem.

Uhh... uhhh...




Well, talk about
riding the big one.


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Tonight's episode...

I love J. Crew, I can't dance,

I hate malt liquor,
and look at me!

I got a white girl's Booty!

So, I'm wondering...

Am I white, or is I black?

Jamaica's in such pain.

Can you help her, doctor?

Jamaica has an identity problem.

I want you to read
this book I found.

It's called...

I'm sorry.

Chappy, you're a therapist?

I'm definitely certified.

I spent 5 years in Bellevue
Psychiatric Hospital,

and I studied in Chicago under
the legendary Dr. Bob hartley.

Now, anybody else have a beef?

I'm afraid to talk.

I heard it's painful
to be analized.

It hurts at first,
but then it feels good

if you let yourself relax.

I have a huge beef.

Whenever Notch is away,

he always puts Kimberlee
in charge.

Kimberlee, Kimberlee, Kimberlee.

I'm the one who's a
schtumpen stuger.

Ah, time's up.

I'll see you whimbies next week.

Hey, Notch, you got a minute?


It's about my mother.

She's coming to visit.

I can't wait to meet her.

Does she share
your nice personality

and boyish good looks?


No! Uh, look,

the point is...

She and I don't get along.

She's competitive and critical,

and I've never been
able to please her.

Oh, Kimberlee.

No daughter should have
to please her mother.

That's what daddies are for.


Um, she's always been on my case

about my not having a boyfriend.

So, I was wondering...

Say no more, kimbo.

You go pick up your mom
at the airport

and leave the rest to me.

Notch, Notch, I got bad news.

I got canned from my job
as sorority housemother

at I eta pi.

Oh. Oh.

Is this because
of the sorority girl

who offed herself?

Her name was
Tiffany-Amber thorazine.

Sweet young thing.

I'd have given
my left nut for her.

When she took the dive,

I started sniffing around.

That's when the sorority
president Mandy had me fired.

Tiffany left this on
my answering machine,

but it's mostly static.

Well, let's get this
to forensics right away.


Ooh! I oughta start
spending more time at the lab.

Well, Ellen, I wish
I could help you,

but I promised
to help Kimberlee.

Now who could I
possibly put in charge?

Me, me! I wanna be in charge!

Me, me!

Remember, my big beef?

Hey, Chip.

You'll be in charge.

Ohh! I'm in charge.

I'm in charge! Yeah ha ha!

I'm in charge!

Oh, mom, now would you
like to go see headquarters?

So this is what I sent
you to college for,

to be a... a lifeguard?

I save lives.

So does a seat belt.

Kimberlee Clark.

My girlfriend?
The love of my life?

Oh, hello. Aaaah!

You must be Mrs. Clark.

Call me Marsha, Marsha Clark.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

I must compliment you on the
wonderful daughter you squeezed

out of your once-fertile loins.

Ooh! Handsome and charming.

You must join us for
dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, mom, I'm sure
that Notch is busy.

Horse feathers.

Oh, then we have a date.

Now, Notch, I'm just dying
to see your headquarters.

Well, walk this way.

It was built in 1976
in my honor.

We're in a stakeout,

and Jamaica and Porcelain
are undercover.

I call it the Rommel plan.

You may be in charge,
but remember,

I'm Cagney, and you're Lacey.

Oh, 1900 hours. Time to eat.

Finally. I'm starved.

Only one doughnut left?

I'll stick to my protein shake.

Never liked
the taste of protein.

I used to love protein.

But since I'm pregnant, I
don't feel like it anymore.

Let's see how
the girls are doing.

Damn, I look good.

I don't get it. I'm the
only sista in the room,

but I feel a'ight.

And I heard going Greek
was gonna be painful.

It hurts at first, but then it feels
good if you let yourself relax.

Mmm, this party's
getting in-te-resting.

Welcome to the sorority.
My name's Mandy.

Now, let's see who really
wants to enter my pi.

Well, that was fun.

Tomorrow we'll announce
who's in. Thanks.

Porcelain, you're very talented.

You haven't seen the half of it.


Would you be interested in
making some serious money?

I'm a sucker for money.

Well, I run a, shalle
say, escort service.

We like to show
wealthy men a good time.

Are you willing to bend over
backwards for a rich guy?

Sure. I mean, it hurts at first,

but then it feels good
if you let yourself relax.

College girls hooking?

That makes me sick.

To think of their young,
writhing, dewy-fresh bodies

being offered up
for the pleasure

of balding, middle-aged men?

Besides, they takin' work
out the mouths

of our own hometown hos.

Yeah. How are crack mommies
gonna buy their little kids crack?

Ok, here's what we need to do.

Hey, what about me?

I'm in command.

Don't worry. It's taken care of.

I'm gonna be an escort,
and I signed up Jamaica, too.

No, you di'n't!

Yes, I di-id.

See, I get 50%
of everything you make.

Oh, hell, no!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Shut your holes!

Tiffany's tape
is back from the lab.


Ellen, it's me, Tiffany.

Mandy's been forcing me
to be a prostitute.

It's horrible.

So, Ellen, you can see why
I just can't take it anymore.

Now I know why the girls
at the pi house

were so tight-lipped.

Ok, that settles it.

Porcelain, Jamaica,

got get yourselves
showered and shaved.

You're going to be whores...

Dirty, filthy whores.

Prostitution? On our campus?

We have to take action now.

Yeah, I don't want to sit
around here pullin' my pud.

I completely understand, son,

but we have to follow procedure.

I'll take it from here.

This is great, Kimberlee.

Oh, it's actually my recipe.

I call it "condoleezza rice."

Although mine's never this dry.

Notch, mine is always moist.

Well, I'd like
to eat yours, too.

You know, it's so nice
to see Kimberlee dating,

well... a man.

I mean, with her short hair,

flat chest, and love of sports,

I was beginning to think...

Well, you do the math.

Marsha, are you kidding me?

Making love to your daughter

is almost as good as
making love to myself.

Jamaica is valuable

because she's exotic.

That means she'll do anything.

Welcome, Jamaica. So, which
one of you wants to go first?

I will.

Ok, Porcelain, meet Mr. Smith.

He's from Oklahoma.

Everything looks "ok"
in Oklahoma.


Oh, my god.

Mandy, we need
to talk right now.

We're in trouble.

Somehow, Notch
Johnson's spf-30 found out

about our little enterprise.

So, let's just shut down
for a while.

We can't do that.

We stole from
the scholarship fund

to pay for our gambling debts.

Notch, it's so big.

Well, watch.

The muscle will actually move

when I turn my arm.


Well, Notch,
it's gettin' a little late.

Oh, no. The night is young.

No, Kimberlee's right.

I better hit the hay.
Well, good night.

Good night, Notch.

Notch, that's my bedroom.

Which he stays in all the time.

Heh heh.


good night, mother.

Notch, what are you doing?

Watch. I saw this
on three's company.

Oh! Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Ohh, yeah.

That feels good. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's good. T

yeah, that's it. Come
on. Notch, stop!

No, come on. Keep going.
Oh, that feels so good.

That's too much!
No, that feels good.

Oh, I can't take anymore.

Come on, come on.
Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy? No!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, yeah! Ah-ah-ah-ah!




Well, good night.

Your client is upstairs
in room 2, and remember,

the customer always comes first.


It's nice to meet you,
Mr. Smith.

You know, I have a yen
for Japanese men.

Ha ha ha.

Porcelain, Porcelain.

Something big's
about to go down.

You obviously don't know
much about Japanese men.


We gotta call Ellen and Chip.

Hurry. I don't want to
keep Mr. Smith waiting.

When I was housemom,

if my girls weren't
in bed by 10 P.M.,

I'd give 'em quite a licking.

Go for Ellen.

It's me.

It turns out the Dean's
behind this whole thing.

That little twit.

Now, get down here

before they have
their way with us.

We're upstairs.

Young lady,

that's the most expensive
call you ever made.

All the girls
shower together after this.

This is a bust!

Jamaica! Porcelain!

Get off me, you deviant!

I'm calling campus police.

You're not calling anyone,
you "c" word.

That's for Tiffany!

That's for getting me fired!

And that's because
I'm suddenly turned on.

You better talk.
She's a big meanie.

I'm not tellin'
you pigs anything.

Hold her down, Chip. I'm
gonna cut her hair just like mine.


They're at the lazy "I" motel,
the Sammy Davis Jr. suite.

Let's vamonos

before Jamaica and
Porcelain get katzenjammered.

Leaving so soon, notchibald?

I, uh... i left
my ointments at home.

I have something soothing
right here.

For god's sake, Mrs. Clark,

are you trying to seduct me?

Yes, I am, notchibald.

But the age difference...

I just turned 30.

Would you like to see a portrait

of where Kimberlee was born?

Calling all units,

calling all units,

go to the lazy "I" motel.

But I wanted to say,
"calling all units."

But I wanted to do the siren!

Oh, Notch!

No, no, no, no, no.
It's so wrong.

This is so wrong! No, no.


Poor timing as usual, Kimberlee.

You bitch!



We want girls! We want girls...

I've never seen so many cocks.

We want girls!

Dive in, fellas, and don't be
afraid to go back for seconds!

Freeze, buttwipes.

But I wanted to say,

Boys, meet your new
tackling dummies.

Get 'em! Yeah! Yeah!

All right!

Watch the nose!

Watch the lips! They're new!

Please, please, please.
You have to stop!


you're wearing a
girdle and panties?

It's not a girdle!

It's a back brace,

and as far as the panties,

I just really like
the way they feel.

They lift and separate.

But you know what?

If my silky undergarments

got you two to stop fighting,

then doggone it,
it was worth it.

Now, you two need
to readjust your attitude,

and I need to readjust
my panties.

Sir, please,

I'm begging for mercy.

I have a terrible
gambling problem.

I blew a huge endowment!

I used to do that.


Somebody has to pay for Tiffany,

and that somebody is you.

Ellen, don't!

Book him, Chippo.

But I wanted to say that!

I guess I always blamed
you because your father left.

But it wasn't your fault.

It was mine.

Then why didn't you
ever say that, mom?


We have just had

what we in the business
call "a breakthrough."

Now, I want to see you two
kiss and make up.

Now Kimberlee,
put your right hand

on your mom's left butt-cheek.

Hey, a gal can dream, can't she?

Ok, I need to say something.

Mrs. Clark, you've got
a lovely daughter.

But I'm not really
her boyfriend.

Though I do have
a wet spot for her...

Right here.

Well, if you two do hook up,

she can always wear
your underwear.

Oh, Notch.

Did you mean
what you said about us?

Kimberlee, if I told you,

you'd be the first to know.

Chip Rommel,

for your leadership
of the spf-30 in my absence,

I award you...

The iron Johnson.

Let me read the inscription.

"Made in Taiwan."


Thank you, chief!


Hey, everybody.

Meet my filthy rich new client...

I mean, fiancé.

His name is Nick pappasmearos,

but I call him "snuggles."

We're getting married soon,

isn't that right, snuggles?!

Better make it real soon.

Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about
the change of life

Kimberlee's middle-aged
mother is going through,

also know as "mental-pause."

I'm lucky. I just turned 30,

so I've got many years left

till I stop secreting
natural juices

and no longer get a
monthly visit from my aunt flo.

But when I do, I'll be prepared

because of a certain
Chinese herb.

And here's Chinese herb now.

See, Chinese herb
has already started me

on an ancient orntal
health remedy

called "assupuncture."

I know what you're saying.

Do I want these
big needles inside me?

Trust me. It hurts at first,

but then it feels good
if you let yourself relax.

So, until next time,
this is Notch Johnson

saying, "ride the big one."

Ok, Chinese herb,

do your homopathic thing.