Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 3 - In the Line of Booty - full transcript

Well, that's it.
We're all set to go.

Notch, only you
could stop the violence

and the bloodshed
between the eastside

and westside rappers.

I can't control myself,

I've always felt a need

to touch young black boys.

Where are they?

The summit was supposed
to start 2 numbers ago.

They are late.

But I'm not saying anything.

Here come the eastsiders.


Hey, look!

That fat guy is
Larry biggy little.

He's got that group n.W.A.:

Negroes with appetites.

Here come the westsiders!

There's that westside
rapper busta hyman!


He is so hot!

And he's with...


She and busta are friends

from their old neighborhood.

Last month, they hooked up.

Achtung, achtung!

You people must sit
in the colored seats!


I'd like to start
by thanking the eastside

and the founder
of cavity search records

Larry biggy little.

Also, his lovely partner

Cleopatra Taurus.

Call me Cleo!

That's right!

Ok. Cleo Taurus.

Uh, a-a-and from the westside

and can't we all
just get along records,

the dapper busta hyman.

And now I'd like
to introduce the man

who taught you
to put down your guns

and just say Notch...

Notch Johnson!

Thank you for
that standing ovulation.

Ladies and gentlemen,

bitches and hos,

I'd like to start by saying


Ha ha ha!

Thank you.

You know, I could
stand here all day,

and as you people say,


but we're here
to enjoy a great peace.

So put down your blunts

and your 40 o-zs,

and go hit the beach!



Captioning made possible by
fx networks

Tonight's episode...


Hold on! I'll be right there!




I thought I was a goner.

Thank god you came.

I'm lucky.

I always come
at the right moment.

Cool necklace!

Who's that?

That's the virgin Mary.

What a co-inky-dink.

I'm the virgin B.J.

My name's Jason.

How can I ever thank you?

You could give me my gum back.

What's wrong with you people?

Why don't you like the water?

Come on, let's go!


Hey, professor
Milosevic. How are you?

I am a little backed up.

Are you getting enough...


No. My hard drive is full.

I need to get rid of
25 million in cache files.

Well, that's a lot of cash.

Yes. And I am on
my way to headquarters

to call technical support.

Hasta la vista,

Well, thank you for noticing.

I try to work out.
I try to keep it trim.

And has your hair
gotten even thicker?

You look great!

Well, thank you.

Oh, and can I leave early today?

Oh, what is it now, Porcelain?

A massage?

Your nails?

Working a bachelor party?

I happen to have
a business meeting.

For a movie.

That I wrote myself.

Starring myself.

Please, notchie!

Uh, notchie?

We're about to have 700 people

on the beach today.

I think we need
every lifeguard on duty.

Oh, sorry, Porcelain.

Kimberlee won't let me
get you off.

You bitch!

I needed that meeting

to raise cash for my movie!

Did you say cash?

Because I know
of someone who's looking

to get rid of a lot of cash.

Professor Milosevic.

The gimp?

Well, well.

Call him what you will,

but the guy is loaded.

Come on, 'maica.
Busta's goin' on the road.

Why don't you come with busta

and relieve
some of busta's load?

But, baby...

You know I got a job
here on the beach.

Yo, your grill be smokin'

when you put on this token.

A gold tooth?!

It's beautiful!


It is so good to be
black together.

Mmm... Mmm...


I thought I saw a sign that said

no trash on the beach.

How you know, fat boy?

All you can read is a menu.

You tell him, baby.


First this fool leaves
cavity search records.

Now he's slummin'

with this hoochie
Jamaica St. Croix?

Ugh! Ooh!

You better step off,
Cleo Taurus,

'fore I snatch that weave
off your bald head.

Well, then bring it on!



Biggy, are you all right?

I be all right.

But I think I dropped
my pizza in the sand.


Busta hyman, you
did this to my man,

and now I'm gonna get you

and all your
mother-f'in westsiders!

Please hurry!

It's a 10-10-3-2-1!

Stop the fighting!

Just say Notch!

Stop the fighting!

Just say Notch!

Bless me, father,

for I have sneezed.

No, my child.

I have "sinned."

You, too?

What a co-inky-dink.

How can I help you, my child?

See, I've been saving
my vaginity for the right man.

Today, I think I met him.

And what makes you think
that this is the right man?

For the first time in my life,

I had a quivering in my...

Down-there region.

Biggy, you're gonna be ok!

Jamaica, I need to know.

Where be busta?

He ran off like a white man

at the source awards.

It's no secret that busta

and biggy were enemies.

There's too much
evidence against him.

I'm gonna have to
finger your hyman.

You're just pickin' on busta

because he's black like me!

I-If some white rapper
had shot biggy,

you wouldn't even be trippin'!

See how they always
stick together?

But I'm not saying anything.

I've had it with busta!

First he leaves
cavity search records,

and then he puts
a hit out on biggy?

Busta stabbed me in the back

by shooting biggy in the crotch!

And that's a slap in my face!


I want him dead! You hear me?

Deader than mc hammer's career!

Son of the beachwill returj af

That's great news. Thank you.

Any word on biggy's condition?

I just spoke to Dr. Howard,

Dr. Fine, and Dr. Howard.

Apparently his big, fat
hang-roll saved his life.

You know, it's amazing.

Ever since the shooting,

biggy's music is
all over the radio.

But, Notch, we've
gotta find busta

before the eastsiders get to him

and this whole rap war
starts up again.

Schnell, schnell!

Look who I rousted up
at the 7-Eleven.

Jamaica, let me see
your big brown bags.

Chee-tos, doritos,

fritos, and taquitos?

Not to mention
menthol cigarettes.

Are these for busta hyman?

Are you hiding him?

Busta didn't do nothin'.

He's as innocent as o.J.!

So, that'sgo
tothe bathroom. Uoy woh

not to change
the subject, but...

I understand you have
25 million in cash?

Baby, I am loaded.

I've got a bundle.

Well, professor,

I'd love to talk to you
about my movie script.

Is there a part in it for me?

I am a man of a thousand faces.

Oh, Milo, you're such
a nutty professor!

Why don't you come over
to my place tomorrow night,

and I'll show you
my little hole.

In the wall.

Jason! I was just
thinking about you.

I was thinking about you, B.J.

Here. Let me unzip.

I have something
I wanna show you.

Ok! The coast is clear!

Where's Mr. Winkie?

B.J., I'm a priest.

My name's father dudikoff.

But my friends call me
father dude.

I'm also the man that
heard your confession.

You mean...

I got down on my knees for you?


It's obvious that we have
feelings for each other,

but unfortunately
I've already given myself

to the man upstairs.

So you're a homo-queer.

No, you must be thinking
of father O'Reilly.


Jason or father or dudie or...

Whatever your name is,

I think I'm in love with you.

Mmm... Mmm...

Oh, yeah, baby. That
feels good. Busta.

Yo, Notch!

You can't be breakin' in
my crib without a warrant!

I don't need a warrant!

I'm a lifeguard!

But, busta...

I do need to know if
you're carrying a gun.

You certainly are!


This is the hot
female news reporter.

An anxious crowd
awaits the arrival

of lifeguard Notch Johnson

who's apprehended
rapper-slash-felon busta hyman

now, why the police
aren't handling this

is the subject
of our next report.

And here they come now.

Oh, my god!

Busta hyman has been shot!

There's mass confusion here!

I repeat, busta hyman
has been shot.

Notch Johnson is wrestling
the shooter to the ground.

There's Jamaica St. Croix

holding the mortally wounded
busta hyman.

Oh, lordy, lordy, miss claudy.

They killed the only man
I ever loved.

B-but before I go,

there's only one more thing
you gots to know.

I know, baby...

That you love me.

That this mornin',

busta had a burning sensation.

You best get yourself
an examination.

You just had to bring him in,

didn't you, Notch!

I have to settle the score

with the eastside gang.


You allowed busta hyman
to be killed.


This is a black day
in Malibu Adjacent.

They're going to war.

All I wanted was a peace.

Now the only thing I have left

to show for it

is a broken, bloody hyman.

Chip cuts some German cheese

good's not good
enough, Kimberlee!

One man's dead.

Another man's been shot

in the groinal ball sac.

And now I've lost Jamaica!

Look, we need to find Jamaica.

Now, I got a message
that she was spotted

in her old neighborhood.

You mean the ghetto?

Can you get her?

I went there once...

But I was surrounded,

and I became very afraid.

Ok, Chip, you cover the beaches,

I'll take the 'hood.

I'll search the Internet.

Well, I doubt
they're hiding there,

but, uh, be my guest.

"Busta and biggy
record sales go whack"?



I have some amazing news.

I'm in love with my father!

Well, i... i knew you were
from the south, but...

You're in love with your dad?

Not my dad, silly.

We broke up.

I'm in love with a priest!

He took me to the church,

and he kissed me in the pew!

So, what are you gonna do?

Well, this isn't
going to be easy, but...

I'm resigning from the force.

Jason and I are leaving
tonight for Atlanta.

He's already accepted
a missionary position.


You shot my busta.

Now you're gonna pay
for it, you bee-atch.

Jamaica, since you the new
leader of the westside crew,

maybe we could put down the guns

and get down to some bid-ness.

I would never
do bid-ness wit' you.

Let's settle this
once and for all.

Tonight. Eastside
versus westside.

12:00 on the playground.

Next to the horsies with the
little springy things under them?

Mm-hmm. I'll be there.

Hello, professor.

Hummina, hummina,
hummina, hummina.


How exactly do
you people do this?

Just pull my cord

and hop aboard.



Mmm, professor,
you were wonderful.


And so were your snap-on

You know it, baby.

I gave you every bit of my ram.

Well, you can ram me
again in a moment.

Let's talk about that...

25 million in cash
you need to get rid of.

You mean my 25 million
bytes of memory?

Memory? Oh...

I'm talking about money.

For my movie?


You said you were loaded.

That you had a bundle.

Yes. Loaded with quicken

and aol version 7.0.

Are you saying you're broke?


Care to fix me?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Yeah, I'll fix you!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

All, rapping:
we're from the east

and we're definitely def

when we get
through with the west

there won't be no west left

we gots to do something bad

and do it fast

'cause they took the m-m-man

and they jacked his ass


Somebody went and did a wiggy

and they shot the piggy biggy

and they be blamin' busta

but they can eat my dusta

'cause busta didn't do it

east can bite me and chew it

'cause the west is where it's at

we your different kind of phat


this evening

this evening

will eclipse every other evening

the moon and stars will dance

up above

east and west
will cool their sparks

and like an exultation of larks

they'll turn
their criminal tendencies

to love

this evening

this eveng

we're leaving town this evening

we're going on a midnight bus

to Georgia


There's a big gang fight!

Jamaica's in it, and Notch
is trying to stop it!

Stop the violence

it's time to silence your guns

murder is captain

it keeps you trapped in

square one

so drop your weapons

thank you so much

and just say no-o-o-otch

they done began it

they done began it

to shoot each other

you'll have to shoot me first


I've got news!

She's got news

pow, freeze

Uh, Cleo Taurus is
behind this whole war.

She had biggy shot

to increase his record sales.

But why would Cleo Taurus
wanna cap my man busta?

Busta used to record
for cavity search records,

so she benefits
from his increase

in sales as well.

You're pretty smart for
an educated white girl.

So maybe you can figure out

why I'm gonna shoot you, too.


It's over.



Please don't be dead!




The virgin Mary saved my life!

Maybe that's the lord's way

of telling me not
to leave the priesthood.

Does that mean we're not going

to constipate our relationship?

I'm afraid not, B.J.

But don't worry.

You'll meet somebody someday.

And, in the meantime,

you 2 kids can
still have phone sex.

Oh, Notch!

Thanks for saving my life!

No problem, Kimberlee.

It's all part of the job.

Speaking of which,

let's go back to work.

Follow me!

I gave my baby-sitter
a facial last night.%

yo, can y'all forgive me?

Sometimes I feel black.

Sometimes I feel white.

If she thinks she's white,

I have some land
in Poland to sell her.

But I'm not saying anything!

Well, at least
the gangsta rappers

are getting along again.

And even more importantly,

our gang is back together.

Yep, Notch, I guess that
about "raps" it up.


Get away from me, you creep!

Come to daddy.

Come to daddy.

Hummina, hummina,
hummina, hummina.

Oh, hi, teens.

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show
was about phone sex.

I just recently found out

that phone sex
doesn't necessarily mean

having sex with your phone.

Instead, it's a fun activity

that can be enjoyed
by 2 consenting adults.


Hello. Michelle
the wrap-up girl.

Oh, hi, Michelle. This is, um...

Scotch Johnson.

Oh, hi, Notch.

Ahh, ha ha...

Ahh, ha ha...


Ohh, ohh.

And the best thing
about phone sex is,

when you're done,

just hang up.

No awkward conversation.

No cuddling.

Just clean up,

flip on fox sports net,

and drift off to sleep
a happy man.


Until next time, this is
scotch Johnson saying,