Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 12 - Taco Lips Now: Part 1 - full transcript

This is the finish

Malibu Adjacent...

It's a long way from Vietnam...

Where I was a soldier.

They wouldn't let us winnish

I was a soldier.

I followed orders.

I'm still living that mission.

Did I mention I was a soldier?

Now, Johnson! Now!


Well, we did it, Johnson.

Yes, we did, colonel cooz,

but I have 2 questions.

Did we do the right thing?

And why do you have
one large nipple

in the middle of your chest?

Never mind that.

It's time I told you
about this mission.

Our orders came direct from
the president of the United States.


I'm very good
at keeping secrets, sir.

I learned that as an altar boy.

But, sir, promise me
we didn't kill any children

or hot Asian women.

Nope. Only Vietcong
were in here.

They hooked our boys on drugs.

I know that feeling, sir.

I've been hooked on phonics.

You know, Notch, by
what we did here today,

we're getting
our army off heroin.

Now we can win this war.

Johnson! Never tell!


Never tell!

Never tell! Never tell!


Sorry, Charlie. Not this time.

What do you want?!
Who sent you?!

I got your egg rolls
with extra duck sauce.


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Tonight's episode...

Mao mao!

Mao mao!

Well, gang,
it pleasures myself...

That you're here to celebrate

one of our nation's
brightest moments...

The war in Vietnam.

The refreshments are great,
like this agent orange juice.

You know the best thing
about this fair

is that Porcelain's not here.

She's with snuggles.

Oh, I have a big announcement.

If anything happens to me,

I've asked Chip and Jamaica to be
my baby's illegitimate godparents.

We're gonna be more
than godparents.

We're gonna be 3 lifeguards
and a fatherless baby.

Hey, good-lookin'.

My god. Huh!

Oh, my god, how I've missed you!

To feel you in my arms again...

Oh, Notch.

Look at me. I'm quivering.

It seems like forever since
we sat naked in the bathtub.

So, you big stud,
what brings you to my back door?

How could I miss
seeing my baby brother

receive the heavy medal
of freedom?

Oh, you're brothers. Ok.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, did... you're
Notch's older brother?

I'm sorry, gang. Meet Harry.

Of course. Harry Johnson.

Porcelain, seductively:
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!


Well, I think we finally
fixed the bed.

Oh, snuggles,
I love you so much.

That's because you agree
with everything I say.

Isn't that right, snuggles?

See? Oh. Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry! Oh. Oh! Oh!

My fellow Americans...

For, uh, serving his country,

Notch Johnson has
already gotten a purple heart,

a purple kidney,
and a purple vein,

and today he receives
the nation's highest honor...

The heavy medal of freedom.

Oh! Ooh!

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am proud to be
a Vietnam veterinarian.

And I share this honor today
with my old special unit...

Also known as the men
in the yellow shorts.

These are the lifeguards
who patrolled the beaches,

pools, and cabanas of Vietnam.

There's private
Warren "chappy" littlefield...

Duke "crazy legs" Milosevic...

And finally, the guy us
privates used to call "sarge,"

sergeant Ellen Von dyke.

You know, maybe sometimes
I'd rub my privates the wrong way,

and they got sore,

but I always loved my privates.

Eh, this mushy crap
makes me puke.

To the men in the yellow shorts,

I salute you all.

I'd just like to say
a few more words about...

Tell us, Mr. Johnson,

how can you accept this award

knowing you committed such
horrible atrocities in Vietnam?!

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Uh, hey! Did you know...

I'm talking about the time that
you wiped out the village of tam-pon.

Never tell!
Never tell! Never tell!

Well, we're waiting!

What about those atrocities,
Mr. Johnson?!

I'll take the fifth.

No! The fifth amendment.

I refuse to answer on the
grounds it may inseminate me.

Ooh, snuggles,
it's so hot in here.

Snuggles? Snuggles?!

Give me those.



I'm so sorry, Mrs. Pappasmearos.

Notch, why won't you talk to us?

Come on, little bro.
It's me, har.

Chief, they're showing
propaganda about you on TV!

An eyewitness confirms that Notch
Johnson is, indeed, a war criminal.

When I was a little girl,

Notch Johnson came
to my village...

Burn it down.

He even shot my dog!

So I had nothing to eat.

Notch, is that true?

FBI. You're under arrest.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can
and will be held against you

in a court of law.

Notch, say something!

Never tell!
Never tell! Never tell!

I'll only say this:

Kimberlee, feed my fish.

Private notchibald Johnson
is about to be tried

for war crimes
in what is being billed

as this week's
"trial of the century."

We the press have
already convicted him.

Now let's see what the legal
system has to say anyway.

The United States vs.
Private notchibald Johnson.

The honorable
Howard p. Doody presiding.

All rise.

Check out the bailiff.

I got something risin'
in my pants.

Be seated.

Now, who is
the prosecuting attorney?

I, rod petrie, formerly
known as the divine rod,

proudly represents the
United States of America.

The divine rod?!

But you're a master criminal,

a pornographer, and a sex fiend.

Yeah, well, now I'm a lawyer.

Just when I thought you
couldn't sink any lower.

You're supposed to be in jail!

How did you become a lawyer?!

I learned from the best, baby.

My cell was right next
to f. Lee Bailey's.

And who's the defense attorney?

I'm representing Notch Johnson.

Mr. Johnson,
any man who defends himself

has a fool for a client.

Thanks, your highness.
I appreciate the compliment.

The prosecution may make
its opening statement.

Thank you, your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

today I will prove that
Notch Johnson is guilty...

Of wartime atrocities.

He violated
not only American law,

he violated the law of god.

As Sam the sham said
unto his pharaohs,

"uno, dos, 1, 2, 3, quatro!"

Which translated
from Latin means,

"Notch Johnson is
a full-medal jackass.

We can never have
another tam-pon...


Now, Mr. Johnson,
your opening statement.

I have nothing to say.

"And they drove off
in their '64 impala,

"flipped the switches,

and lived happily ever after."

So, little fetus,
that was the story

of snoop dog and the 7 hos.

That's no story to tell a baby.

Let me tell a story my
grandmuti told meas a little kinder.

What kind of story is that?

Are you putting down
my grandmuti?

Well, if the shoe fits...

You'd better not get involved

in my family matters!

I can't believe
you... you're not...

Stop it!

Boy, I've never seen people

go down on each other
like you two.

The will is about to be read.

The family thinks
I'm just a bitch

who's only out for the money...

But they're wrong.

I want the property, too.

So will you
represent me, mister...

Barbarella. Dominic barbarella.

Now, how much
is the estate worth?

$100 million.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you...

Exhibit "a."

Look at this photograph.

Now, look at the rest
of the picture.

That's so obviously a fake.

Why doesn't Notch do
something to defend himself?

Kimberlee, maybe both
you and I are living in denial.

Finally, I would like to callñ

chow dong wong fong yu.

Miss fong yu,

could you tell the court

when you first came to know
Notch Johnson?

When I was little girl,

Notch Johnson come to
village and burn it down.

He even shoot my schnauzer.

I'm going to have
to ask you something

very sensitive.

Did he eat your schnauzer?

He eat my schnauzer.
He eat it good.

Ladies and gentlemen,
did you hear that?

He eat her schnauzer.
He eat it good.

No further questions.
The prosecution rests.

You may make your case,
Mr. Johnson.

Thanks, judge doody.

I have only one witness.

The defense calls to the stand

private Notch Johnson.

Mr. Notchibald Johnson,
please state your name.

Notchibald Johnson.

Mr. Johnson, were you involved

in the battle of tam-pon?

I'm sorry. I can't answer that.

Can't answer or won't answer?

My name is private
notchibald Johnson,

serial number 60261.

Mr. Johnson, is your
refusal to cooperate

evidence of your guilt?

That depends on what
your definition of "is" is.

Let me put it another way.

Does your refusal
to give specific details

mean you can't remember them?

Well, does it?!

No. I remember everything.


Aah! Aah!


Well, if you
remember everything,

why don't you share it
with the court?

I'll never tell.

"And finally,
I, Nick Pappasmearos,

"bequeath to
my smokin' young wife

"and her rock-hard breasts,

"Porcelain Bidet Pappasmearos,

"my entire fortune of...

$100 million."

Yes! Why, you gold digger!

Nick, Jr., I loved your father.

You don't deserve a penny!

I had sex with him once!

That's worth 100 mil.

We're gonna fight this,

see that this case
drags on for years.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

as Caesar said to radicchio,

"toss this man in jail,

and give him
a good dressing-down."

Now, Notch Johnson claims
to remember everything,

but he won't tell you.

Why not? Because he is guilty

of unspeakable atrocities,

and if you don't think

he's capable
of atrocious behavior,

I offer you this.


Mr. Johnson, would you
like to rebut?

No, I'm happy with
the one you just saw.

I meant would you like
to make a closing statement?

Notch, this is your last chance.

They are gonna
throw you in jail.

Forget about me.
Forget you ever knew me.

Kimberlee, he doesn't mean that.

I will now send
this case to the jury.

Gee, what's the point?

You know he's guilty.

Just go off and make it look
like you've talked about it.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

have you reached a verdict?

Yes, sir.

We find notchibald Johnson...



This is pretty ed up.

The defendant will rise.

The defendant is hereby
sentenced to 600 years.

With good behavior,

you will be eligible for parole

in the year 2525.

In the year 2525?

Will man still be alive...

In the year 2525?

So long, Johnson.

Now you'll know what it's like

to be stuck in the can.

There he is!

Schnauzer eater!

Give him a chance!

Well, if it isn't
my brother, the loser,

and B.J., the whore.

Chief, why are you
being such a big meanie?

Shut up, you fat slob,

and by the way, Jamaica,

I only hired you
to make a racial quota.

Notch, how could you?

Oh, listen to the prude.

Notch, you didn't mean that.

You're just saying this stuff
to make us forget you, right?

Crowd, chanting: Take
him away. Take him away.

Take him away. Take him away.
Take him away.

Take him away. Take him away.

Take him away. Take him away.

Crowd, chanting: Take him away!

And there goes Notch Johnson,

sentenced today
to 600 years in prison.

Notch called me fat.
I'm so hurt.

Just because I'm carrying a baby

of some guy I can't remember,

that makes me a whore?

And that racial quota crap?

I knew that when I checked

the "young black hottie"
box on the application.

You think that's bad?
He called me a prude.


No, no. Oh, no. No, you're not.

Look, guys, the best
thing for us to do right now

is to restore the image
of the spf-30,

and if we all work
together, we can do it.

Ok. Ok.

Come on. Let's go.

Well, I'm... I'm sorry we had to
meet under these circumstances.

Kimberlee, when
the judge sentenced Notch

to 600 years in prison,

he sentenced me to life
without my baby brother.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, Harry, I feel the same way.

Well, maybe we can help
each other through this, together.



Kimberlee, i...

I know this might sound
a little sudden,

but would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?

Sure. Yeah, I'd like that.

Chip Rommel?

I'm with the u.S. Immigration
and naturalization service.

This is for you.

Thank you.

Guten yu! My visa has expired!

I have 2 weeks
to leave the country?

Captioning made possible by
fx networks

Stop the car! Stop the car!

He's alive!

He's alive! He's alive!

He's alive!

Next time on Son of the Beach...

Here's your home
for the next 600 years.

Nice to meet you, warden beatty.

Uh, first of all,

I love what you've done
with the place.

You want me to kill him?

Have a prisoner do it.


Kimberlee, we can't
go on denying

our feelings for each other.

Well, if it isn't Notch Johnson,

the scum who put me behind bars.

If it isn't Satan worshipper

and mass murderer Adolf manson.

I only have one week
to find a wife

so I can stay in the country.

But who is going to want me?

Notch said that some
colonel cooz guy's still alive

and he has to find him
to prove his innocence.

Johnson, I think it's time

that I explained to you
why you're about to die.

He's alive!