Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 13 - Jailhouse Notch: Part 2 - full transcript

Previously, on a
previous Son of the Beach...

God, how I've missed you.

Meet Harry.

You're Notch's older brother?

Yeah. Of course.

Harry Johnson.

"I, Nick Pappasmearos,

"bequeath to my smokin'
young wife

my entire fortune
of $100 million."

We're gonna fight this!

How can you accept this award

knowing you committed such
horrible atrocities in Vietnam?

Now, Johnson! Now!

Never tell! Never tell!

I have 2 weeks to
leave the country?

FBI. You're under arrest.

Would you like
to have dinner with me?

Yeah, I'd like that.

We find notchable Johnson...

Guilty on all charges.

And now, the stunning
middle of a 3-part trilogy.

He's alive! He's alive!

Hey, rookie. Can't wait
to speak to you tonight.

You're looking hot.

You want to be the husband
or the wife?

Boy, those ab crunches
really paid off.

Here's your home
for the next 600 years.

Cell 38, double "d" block.

Oh, hi.

I'm Notch Johnson.

I'm Eric, but people
around here call me bitch.

Well, you won't get that kind
of treatment from me, bitch.

You mind if I'm on top?

No problem.
I'm always at e bottom.

Well, well. If it isn't n

the scum who put me behind bars.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Satan worshipper

and mass murderer Adolph manson.

Did you get a haircut?

Shut up!

Look, Johnson,

you may run the beaches,
but in this joint,

I run the bitches.

Let's go, bitch.

Please, go easy this time,

and can you at least
say that you love me?

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

You shouldn't have to
take that from manson.

I'm gonna go tell that big
bully where he can stick it.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Captioning made possible
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Tonight's episode...

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Kill him! Kill him!

All right, everybody,
it's milling time.

All, repeating:
Milling. Milling. Milling.

Good job, Adolph.

Here's your new drug shipment.

Mmm. Very nice.

This'll sell real quick.

If there's one thing
these prisoners like,

it's some good crack.

Not to mention drugs.

With Notch Johnson behind bars,

the port of Malibu Adjacent
will be overflowing with drugs.

I'm telling you, I'm innocent,

and colonel kuze could
clear this whole thing up.

I thought he was dead,
but then I saw him alive.

That's crazy. If he was alive,

how come you didn't get any help

from your colonel kuze?


Hey, there's the warden.

Excuse me, sir.
I'm Notch Johnson.

I'm the warden here,
Jack beatty.

Nice to meet you, warden beatty.

First of all,

I love what you've done
with the place.

And secondly, uh, I'm innocent.

So I was wondering
if you could let me out

for a couple of days
to prove it.

But I promise I'll come back.

Why is everyone so mean here?

Morning, sunshine.

Oh, god, Harry.

I can't believe we did this.

I mean, you're Notch's brother.

Kimberlee, we can't
deny our feelings

for each other anymore.

And after last night,

my feelings for you
are even stronger.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm late for work.

So be a little late.

No, I can't.

We're meeting
our new boss today.

We will now hear

from Mr. Pappasmearos,
Jr.'s attorney,

Christopher darden.

Miss bidet,

you say you were always
faithful to Mr. Pappasmearos.

Well, I understand there's
someone in the courtroom

who slept with you
while you were married.

Will that person please rise?

No further questions.

I gotta get out of here.

It's my only chance

to prove my innocence.

I know.

I'll dig through these walls.

Larry, would you
like to spoon with me?

No. And don't even
ask me to fork.

This is gonna take forever.

Holy shotgun!

Whoa. Unh.

I wonder who our new boss is.

Well, he's gotta be
better than Notch.

Saying I was only filling
a racial quota.

Shoot, dog.
What's up with that, yo?

I only have one week
to find a wife

so I can stay in this country.

But who is going to want me?

Notch says I'm fat

and I have man boobs.

Don't worry, Chip.
I'll marry you.

I need a father for my baby.

Plus, with your big Hooters,

we could take turns

Any baby would love Chip's nips.

B.J., danke.

Harry, what are you doing here?

Spf-30, meet your new boss.


Why must I be all by myself?

I don't like to be alone.

Hello, little gerbil.

Will you be my friend?

I think I'm gonna
call you brownie.

P.u., brownie. You stink.

Someone needs a bath.

Hey, brownie,
you're actually white.

Now, how could
a white gerbil turn brown

inside a men's prison?

Go ahead, bitch.

Tell him what you said to me.

Oh, yes, daddy.

Give it to me good, daddy.

Ooh. That's right. That's right.

No, not that.

What you said
about Notch Johnson.

Notch said that some
colonel kuze guy is still alive,

and he has to find him
to prove his innocence.

I've heard enough!

Manson, get him out of here.

Aah! No!

No. No.


What do you want
to do about him?

So Johnson knows I'm alive.

Well, I didn't build
brown starfish,

the world's most powerful
secret organization,

to see him destroy it.

Billions of dollars
in drug money are at stake.

So you want me to kill him?

Have a prisoner do it

so it's not linked
to the organization.

That shouldn't be a problem.

Good, because
if you succeed, warden,

you could be sliding your finger

into a nice,
brown starfish ring...

Like mine.

I'm granting
your 48-hour parole...

That's great!

On one condition.

You see, Johnson,

I like to provide my prisoners
with entertainment,

like the weekly
gladiator matches.

No problem. My brother and I

used to sword fight as children.

I'd like to put you
up against Adolph manson.

Oh, no.

If you win,
you'll get your 48 hours.

But if you lose, you die.

What do you think, brownie?

Brownie says,

"trust me, anything's better

than being stuck in
a small, dark hole."

Do you, Chip Rommel,

take this woman to be your
lawfully wedded, pregnant wife?

Yeah, I do!

Now put the ring on her finger.

The ring?

I forgot to get the ring.



Get your rings here!

20 bucks apiece!

Hey, chappy!

I'll take your ring.


Brown starfish?

The father of my baby
had a brown starfish ring.

This must be a sign
from Dr. Jesus.

I'm sorry, Chip,
but I can't marry you.

This is terrible!

I'm going to be
returned to sender,

address unknown!

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, your honor.

In the case of
pappasmearos, Jr. vs. Bidet,

we rule in favor
of the plaintiff.

Mr. Pappasmearos will retain
the entire $100 million estate.

Miss bidet will receive
absolutely nothing.

[All gasp

court is adjourned.

I can't believe I lost.

Here's my bill.

But if I have to pay
this, I'll be broke.

I'll be out on the street.

I'll be homeless.

Oh, Harry,

I really hope the news
about us doesn't crush Notch.

Harry, Kimberlee, thank god
you came at the same time!

How'd he know that?
How'd he know that?

Look, there's something
I need to tell both of you.

Uh, Notch, we have
something to tell you first.

Harry and I are dating.

It's much more than that,
little brother.

We're in love.

Yeah, that's great.

Look, there's this guy
named colonel kuze,

who I thought was dead,
but he's alive,

and he can clear my name.

He told me not to talk
of our mission in tam pon.

That's why he didn't tell.

So now all I have to do

is kill manson
in a gladiator fight,

and warden beatty
will set me free

as long as I promise
to come back.

Notch, is prison life
gettin' to ya?

No, no, no. Not at all.

Just go look for a man
with one large nipple

in the middle of his chest.

Go ahead. Get going.

Come on. Go!



One nipple!

Chip, I'm really sorry

I couldn't be
your awfully wedded bride.

I understand, B.J.,

but now I guess
I have no other choice.

Jamaica, I order you
to marry me.

Order? I don't take
orders from nobody.

But you're a woman
from the ghetto,

and I'm an Aryan man.

Do the math.



What did I say?

Chip, you're German.

Do what Germans are known for.

Be romantic.


Notch, are you sure
you want to do this?

These are bad people.

'S my only chance
to get out of here.

Now hold on to brownie.

Hi, brownie.

And don't worry.
I've got a plan.


Choose your weapons.

I choose... This.

Then I choose...


Let the games begin!

My sword may only be 2 inches,

but it can make you scream.



Now, brownie! Now!

Ha ha ha!

Prisoners, chanting:
Kill him! Kill him!

Forget it, warden.

Lifeguards don't kill
for pleasure.

Manson lives!

And from here on,
I'm running this prison.

You're all my bitches now!

The horror.

The horror.

Hello, all!

Good morning, Notch.

Now that I've taken over,

it's nice to see
everybody's walking normally.

And just to show you
how things have changed,

tonight, there's gonna be
a Sadie Hawkins dance

where the bitches
get to choose their dates.

Notch, would you be my date?

Adolph, that is
so nice of you to ask.

I would love to be
your date for the dance.

Kimberlee, what are you doing?

I'm searching for anything
on colonel kuze.

Really? Well, I've been doing
some investigating myself.

Colonel kuze's
death certificate.

Well, that could be fake.

Autopsy photo.

That could be fake, too.

His head in a jar.

Face facts, Kimberlee.

We both need to move on.

You know, these past few days

have been the
happiest days of my life,

and, well...

Kimberlee, will you marry me?

Jamaica, my sweet Jamaica

people call me loco

for wanting to marry

hot cocoa

but you people
are good at sports

and best of all

your name's not Schwartz

Was it something I sang?

I'm so sorry!

Chip, that isn't
Jamaica's kind of music.

You gots to get juggy with it.

Ok, Johnson,

it's time for your 48 hours.


Well, fellow inmates,
this is it.

I'm off to prove my innocence,

so I probably
won't be returning.


Notch, notc,

can I have brownie
to remember you by?

I'd like that.

Good-bye, brownie.

There'll always be a
part of you inside me.

No, Notch. Don't leave me.

I'm nothing without you.

I told you not to fall
in love with me, baby.

Here's looking at you, bitches!

My name is Chip Rommel

I'm a gangsta rapper

I'm gonna do a song

that's a real toe-tapper

yo, Jamaica, come marry me

and we can have
a Chip hop family

ch-ch-Chip Chip

hop hop

ch-ch-Chip Chip

hop hop ok.

I've had about enough of this,

snoop... wiener dog.

But I'm just
keeping it real, yo.

Know what I'm
saying, miss thing?

For the last time,

I am not marrying you.

Now, leave me alone.

Round and round, round and round

the wheels on the bus

go round and round

Hey, why are we stopping? What?

What? What? What's going on?

Get out of the Van, Johnson.

Time to drain the lizard.

Wish you had told
me that 5 minutes ago.

- Never tell, Johnson.
- Never tell.

That voice just keeps
going in my head.

Won't it ever stop?

I'm behind you, moron.

There it goes again.

Colonel kuze!

I knew I'd find you.

But last time I saw you,

you were incredibly hung.

You're not hung anymore.

No. From a tree.

Johnson, I think it's time

that I explained to you
why you're about to die.

Die? I thought
we were buddy pals.

So you thought.

You see, I faked
my death at tam pon.

I used you.

By destroying that village,

you eliminated my competition,

allowing me to take over

the heroin trade
in Southeast Asia.

That was the start
of my organization,

brown starfish.

You're brown starfish?

You butthole.

Illegal drugs was
only the beginning.

We also control the
world's oil supply,

assassination of world leaders,

and also who wins best picture.

Now I'm taking over
Malibu Adjacent.

Well, I'm not worried.

My brother Harry
is now running spf-30.

He'll sniff out
your brown starfish

and put a plug in it.

Some brother. He works for me.

And now he's banging your bitch.

Adolph manson?

No. Kimberlee Clark.

Ah, I never knew how slimy
you could be, kuze.

Say your prayers, Johnson.


Shalom, Johnson.

Ok, I go back to Germany now.

Here we go.

I'm almost out the door.

I can see the alps from here.

I'm singing the German
national anthem.

Deutschland, deutschland

über alles...

Jamaica, do something!

You're driving him Nazi.


I'll marry the German.

Jamaica! Yeah!

Thank you!

We will have
the nicest white wedding.

You pay all my expenses,
and no sex.

Wow. You'll be like
a real married couple.

That son-of-a-bitch lawyer
took everything...

My house, my Mercedes.

I'm down to my last thong.

Boo hoo. We've all got problems.

I got a sore that hasn't
gone away for 2 years.

Let me ask you something.

When was the last time
you were with a woman?

Because I could do something

that would make you
very happy, chappy.

Hey, wait a minute.

I didn't just roll off
a garbage truck.

I know you're just
using me for my bench.



I've been thinking about
this whole marriage thing...

You know, it's funny.

I always thought
it would be Notch,

and then it ends up
being his brother.

Kimberlee, what are you saying?

I'm saying, yes,
I will marry you.

Right behind me

and the devil's up ahead

I have nowhere else to go

Next time,
on Son of the Beach...

Oh! The police is
lookin' for ya, child!

Aunt jizzie, I'm innocent.
You gotta believe me.

And you let him escape?!

Calm down. I have a plan.

We can married
with Chip and Jamaica!

I can't let her marry him!

Help! Mr. Mcbaby's

coming down my slip and slide!

Mutti, poppy,

there's something
you should know about Jamaica.

What's up, dogs?

I've got a wedding to break up.

Notch, that wedding is a trap.

If anyone objects
to this holy bond...

I object to this wedding!

Good-bye, private Johnson!