Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Long Hot Johnson - full transcript

Come on, B.J. give
it to me! Come on!

Come on, give it
to me! Give it to me!

It's coming! It's
coming! It's coming!


And that's how you
deliver a baby. Ha ha ha!

Porcelain, you have a question
about delivering a baby?

God, no.

Snuggles and I are applying

for membership to the exclusive

South Malibu
Adjacent Country Club,

so would you say
I'm Mayflower White,

Lily White, or Ivory White?

Maybe I should join that club

now that mama Okrah
gave me some of her jing.

And which shade
of white are you?

Uh, Barry White?

Anyways, I've gotta get ready

for the new member
dance on Saturday night.

You know, Kimberlee, the
night you stay home and sob?

Well, have a good time,
and I hope you die soon.

There's my little poopy-pants!

It's my favorite aunt.
Gang, say hello to aunt jizzy.

Notch. Give me some sugar!

Oh, aunt jizzy,
you look different.

Well, I should.
I lost 1,300 pounds.

Well, it shows.

Gang, aunt jizzy
is the woman who raised me.

Notch, is there anybody
who hasn't raised you?

Kimberlee, it takes a village.

I was also his wet nurse

till he was 15 years old.

Excuse me?

Nothing gave me more pleasure

than sitting on aunt jizzy's lap

and suckling on her
big old moo-moo nips.

Those are the biggest
cookies I've ever seen.

I baked a batch
of Notch's favorite.

Triple deep fried
chocolate Chip and bacon.


Oh, it's just like I remember.

Only one thing missing.

Got some milk?

Coming right up.

Ahh! Icy cold!

The bus was air-conditioned!

Ha ha ha!

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Tonight's episode...

Notch, shouldn't you...
Wipe your face?

And lose that
just-squeezed flavor?

Aunt jizzy, what brings you up

from south Malibu Adjacent?

Somethin' smells rotten
down south.

Are you feeling less than fresh?

No, I bussed in some
of my congregation

from the first amc
churchplex to tell you about it.

Now come on and testify,
brothers and sisters.

Yeah! Yeah!

Brother Notch? Brother Notch,

the people of our community,

they're being run
out of their homes

in the heat of the night

Rousting minorities from their
homes and relocating them?

What kind of monster
would do that?

We think it's
the work of the klan.

Yeah! You tell 'em!

And we don't mean
no wu-tang clan.

You got that!

Are you talking
about the ku klux klan?

Not the ccc!

I say we take these racists
and turn them into klan chowder.

Seig heil!



Talk about it! Talk about it!

Notch, you've gotta
do something!

Come on, please?

Everybody's talking at once!

Yeah, this is not
a movie theater!

Notch, what are we gonna do?

I didn't march for civil
rights in the south for nothing.

Nobody's leaving anybody's home.

Now join me, won't you, as we
sing together the great old spiritual.

And we're movin' on up

movin' on up

to the east side

movin' on up

to that deluxe apartment
in the sky

yeah, we're movin' on up

movin' on up

to the east side

movin' on up

we finally got
a piece of the pie

Snuggles, what should I wear

to the new members' dance
at the country club?


Says old money.

And this says old money

with just a hint of
naughty catholic school girl.

Good choice!

Well, I'm gonna get going.

Wait! You can't take
Mr. Papasmearus out of here.

He only has 3 weeks to live.

3 weeks? They told me 2.

Oh, just look at all
these beautiful children.

What's the matter, aunt jizzy?

I don't wanna lose these
beautiful children,

but I'm being forced
out of my home by the bank.

It's a foreclosure notice.

Are you saying
jizzy's being ejaculated?

Notch, this house
has been in my family

for 140 years.

It's almost paid off.

This notice is signed
by a bull cracker.

He's the good ol' boy
that runs the bank,

the country club,
and the local Denny's.

Why is he being so mean to me?

I nursed his baby.


Aunt jizzy, were you
expecting a brick?

That note's got klan
written all over it.

Notch, do you think
there's a connection?

No, but there may be a link.

I think I should go
to the country club

and investigate
this bull cracker.

Porcelain said there's a new
members dance Saturday night.

In that case I'm going with you.

Kimberlee, you stay here
and protect aunt jizzy.

What about me?

I don't know nothing
about birthing no babies.

Chip, B.J., I want you
to investigate the clan.

Go poke around the back country.

Don't worry, Notch. We'll
get the poop on cracker.

But remember,
you're going to the bayou,

where folks have been
inbreeding for generations,

so be careful.

It's retarded out there.

Excuse me, young
lady, good evening.

I'm bull cracker.
This is my club.

Honey, go mingle.

I'm Porcelain Bidet,

and I'd love to see
more of your club.

I'll show it to you later.

There's quite a bit to take in.

Remember, the plan
is to blend right in.

Folks, I understand your awe.

It's not everyday you see

Notch Johnson in the flesh.

But please continue to get drunk

and embarrass your families.

Thank you.

Notch Johnson,

it is an honor to meet you, sir.

My name is bull cracker.

What brings you to our
redneck of the woods?

Ah, I though perhaps
I'd become a member.

I see.

Who's your friend?

This is my fiancee.
Jemima St. Croix.

Say what?

I didn't want to use
your real name.

Any problem with my
mochachino friend being here?

None at all. Come on in

and enjoy the segregation.

Say what?

Come along, jemima.

Are you crazy?

Lettin' one of her kind in here?

Simmer down, boys.
It's just for one night.

Besides, we can't afford to get on
the wrong side of Notch Johnson.

All this money
that we're gonna make

won't do us any good
if we're in jail.

Hey, vern, look at
all this money.

Whoo! $100!

Ooh, doggie! Who'd a
thunk we'd a got so rich

chasin' black folks
out of their homes?

Hey, Joe, there's one of them
new-fangled limousines.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Halt! Who goes there?

Just little old us.

I'm Ellie may.

And I am Jethro.

We are from the south, y'all.

And we wanna raise
our young 'uns here.

How do we know you're one of us?

We're married.

And she's pregnant.

Married and pregnant?

That don't prove nothin'!

Wait! We are also
brother and sister.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Welcome to the bayou.

Kimberlee, you got a real
gentle way with babies.

Oh, well, maybe I'll have
one of my own some day.

What about you and Notch?

You'd look mighty fine with
a little Johnson inside you.

Uh... me and Notch?

Oh, I don't know.

Of course, you'll
have to let aunt jizzy

do the nursing.

Poor baby'd starve to death

with them little milk duds.

Jamaica, these people
can't take their eyes off me.

It's like they've never
seen a lifeguard before.

Uh, chief, I think
it might be because

I'm the only black person
in this all-white club.

Hmm. All-white club.

Now you got me hungry.

Why don't you go investigate
while I grab a sandwich.

What it is?

Well, if it isn't Notch Johnson,

America's most famous lifeguard.

It's the world's
most famous lifeguard.

And you are?

Pussy Willow cracker.

Bahama, what are you doing here?

It's Jamaica.

Notch and I are on a stakeout.

We suspect bull cracker
of squeezing out jizzy.

I have no idea what
you're talking about,

but you better not spoil
my chances for membership.

All my life I've dreamt of
belonging to a country club

where rich people
drink fancy cocktails,

play golf, and cheat
on their spouses.

And no little lifeguard
girl's gonna get in my way!

Ma'am, are you...

No! Get away!

So why did you
marry bull cracker

if you didn't love him?

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

'Cause big daddy wanted me to.

God knows if it hadn't
been for all those tennis pros,

golf pros, and gigolos,

I'd be one
dried up pussy Willow.

Well, tell me about
bull's business.

3, 4, cha-cha-cha.

Business? All he ever did

was squander big daddy's money.

Now he thinks he's
gonna strike it rich.

Got some crazy idea
about buying up

all the houses in the
poor section of town.

Says there's something
valuable in the ground.

Very interesting.

15, 16, cha-cha-cha.



Would you like to eat my cherry?

Oh, that would be my pleasure.

You're a real player.

We could use a member like you.

Would you do me...


The honor of dancing with me?

Oh, sure. That, too.

Hey, look! It's Porcelain!

Hi, Porcelain!

One thing about my husband,

he likes the ladies.

That's how he got his name.

He's just like a bull
in a vagina shop.

You know Notch Johnson?

That tall man with the overbite

and the weasel on his head?

Yes. The man with
his hands all over my pussy.

I'd give anything to know what
he and that jemima are here for.

Well, all I know is that they're
investigating you for something.

Yo, chief. We need to talk.

Oh, would you excuse me
for a moment, Mrs. Cracker?

Why, of course.

Besides, it'll give me a chance

to freshen my breath.

This is all about uranium.

My anium?

But I just had a proctologist
look at my anium.


I snooped around bull's office.

There's a motherload of radioactive
uranium under aunt jizzy's home.

So that's why bull
wanted to evict

the black folks
from their homes.

To steal the uranium
for himself.

So, the question is how...

The question is...
How long are you 2 gonna live?

Well, what a lovely evening
for a moonlight stroll.

Sure is. Have a nice walk.

You're coming, too, you idiot.

Now start walking.

Boy, I wouldn't wanna be them.

Me neither. What's your reason?

'Cause where they're goin',

they ain't never comin' back.

And where would that be?
Not that I care.

Why should I tell you?

Because of these.

Well, it's empty.

Whoo! That means party time!

Spin the bottle!

Oh, this must be my lucky night.

Pucker up, cousin!


Well, I believe you sucked
something right out of my teeth.



Ok, your turn,
Mr. Jethro bodine.

Come on, sis.

Give your little
brother a big smooch.


But no tongue.

No tongue?

What kind of brother and
sister don't like no tongue?

B.J., you dumbkoff,
you blew our cover.

Chip, I've blown a lot of
things, but never a cover.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Chip? B.J.?

I thought you were
Jethro and Ellie may.

Vernon, they've
been lying to us.

Well, I'll be a backwoods
bisexual redneck.

Now what are you doing here?

I would sooner die than tell you

that we're working
for Notch Johnson,

who's investigating you
and your koo-koo klan.

Don't forget about bull cracker.

Bull cracker? He's our boss.

Yeah, and he might
just give us a big reward

if we was to turn them in.

Lucky for me,

I got one of these

newfangled cell phones.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Thelma Lou, get me bull cracker.

Sorry, jizz.
I tried to warn you.

You should've left
while you had the chance.

I would never leave.

I've raised over 83,000
children in this house.

Well, I gotta get
back to the club,

or I'm gonna be late
for the bunny hop.

It's a little chilly in here.

Why don't you boys
warm the place up? Ha ha!

I think it's time
for a little fire sale.

Notch, do something.

You folks are doomed.

No use crying over spilled milk.

Spilled milk?

Hey, aunt jizzy,
got any spilled milk?

Coming right up, child.

Yeah, jizzy, yeah!
Pump it! Pump it all!

Stop! I'm lactose intolerant!

Ow! Ow!

Come on, vern! Why
don't we just shoot 'em?


Playing through!


Pussy Willow?!

I couldn't stand by any longer

watchin' that lyin',
cheati" husband of mine

hurt anybody else.

Porcelain, isn't this a little

out of character for you?

Don't get used to it.

It was mostly her idea, anyways.

Believe it or not,
I really like pussy.

Well, I have to get
back to the club.

I don't want to miss
the bunny hop.

I'm sorry, jizzy.

My husband didn't always
hate black folk.

How could he?

He has himself an
illegitimate black baby.


Are you sure about that?

Sure, I'm sure.

I breast fed the child myself.

Stop your bunny hopping!

What are you doing here?

We're on to you, cracker.
Just like cheese on a... Um...


No, that's not it.

All right, bull, it's
time to give up.

Never, sir! My boys and
me will fight until the end.

I don't think they'll be
so quick to follow you

once they find out about
your illegitimate black child.


I don't know what
she's taking about.

These people are crazy!

Oh, yeah, cracker? Allow me

to introduce you to
your son... saltine!


Mama says knock you out.

You're 2 months late
on your payments, daddy!

Well, I suppose you got me.

I guess the resemblance
is too much to deny.

Sheriff fife, deputy
Taylor, take him away.

Well, I think we put an end

to racial prejudice
here once and for all.

Black or white, we're all
equal in the eyes of god.

So let's join together
and sing as one

that old great old spiritual...

Well, we're movin' on up

movin' on up

to the east side

movin' on up

to that deluxe apartment
in the sky

yeah, we're movin' on up

movin' on up

to the east side

movin' on up

we finally got a piece

of the pie

I did it! I did it!

What, you had sex for free?

No, mosquito bites!

I got accepted to the south
Malibu adjacent country club.

Now I'm up where I belong.

I am someone.

Hate to burst your bubble,

but we all got memberships

from the new president...
Pussy Willow.

Yeah. We're real
tight with pussy.


Here comes jizzy!

And it looks like that uranium's
given her a lot of green.

Notch, I just want to
thank you and the spf-30

for letting me keeping my house.

I'm back in business!

Oh, aunt jizzy, it's
the least I could do

for all the calcium and
vitamin "d" you've given me.

Speaking of which,
aunt jizzy, are you sure

you should be feeding
babies in your new condition?

Why? It's only made them bigger

and stronger than ever. Look!

Boy, I wouldn't want
to change that diaper.

Oh, hi, teens.

You caught me with a
handful of my own batter.

Mmm... a little salty.

Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about
the joys of down-home cooking,

which you can read about in
my new cookbook entitled...

Now, many people think that
southern cooking is unhealthy,

but it's actually
just the opposite.

Meet my friend Jared.

Now, Jared just recently
started eating some of my recipes,

like deep-fried lettuce,

chocolate covered ham,

and our favorite,
butter sticks in gravy.

And it saved Jared's life.

Let me show you
a picture of Jared

before he started
eating my food.

So, Jared, what do you say

you and I go chew the fat?

Mmm! That's good fat!

So until next time, this is
Notch Johnson saying...

Go eat a big one.

Extra fatty today.