Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 8 - A Tale of Two Johnsons - full transcript

This is awful. I can't believe
these people are rioting.

Word. And there ain't even
no appliance stores nearby.

What senseless disregard
for authority and natural order.

- And look at this!
- Don't worry. I'm on it.

Excuse me, boys.
Passing through.

Hold it right there, sir.
You've littered, and that's illegal.



Notch! Help!

It's that Latino family.
They're drowning.

Ah, they must be swimming
with their clothes on again.

Looks like it's
your lucky day, bad guy.

Fellow members
of the commission...

hidden in that green duffel bag...

is a vial of the deadliest
virus we've ever created.

It's a cross
between the Ebola virus...

and the bubonic plague.

We call it...

the ebonic plague.

- Murmur, murmur.
- Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.

Our operative was to have
unleashed the virus on the rioters...

allowing us to extract money
from the public...

in exchange for the antidote.

Well, let me tell you this:

For allowing Notch Johnson
to foil this plan...

we've executed Agent RU-469.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be
sent to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

- Murmur, murmur...
- Murmur, murmur...

Replacing that agent
is this man.

As we speak, he's undergoing
a surgical procedure...

that will enable him to infiltrate
SPF-30 Headquarters...

and retrieve the vial.

Okay, bring down
the video projection unit.

Crap! What?

Where's the other remote?

No. Wait. Forget it.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

This'll work. Let me...

If I hit this "TV/Video" button
here this...

this is the commission.

Let's see you in the light
without the bandages.

I look hideous.

I love it.

Tonight's episode:

Son of the Beach is part
of a nutritious breakfast.

So, remember,
Hernandez family...

if you're going to swim...

don't do it with your clothes on.

And wait at least
a half an hour...

after eating
your daily burrito.

Guys, they don't
understand English.

I'll handle this.

So, keiner burritos!

- Oh!
- Oh!

Come on. Let's move
those muscular little buns.

We've got a stage to build.

- Yo, Mayor, what's the deal?
- Oh, nothing.

Just the biggest concert
to ever hit this town.

It's better than Live Aid
and bigger than Woodstock.

I call it... "Livestock."

- Wow!
- Wow! That's dope.

What kinds of bands
do you have lined up?

So far we have Blink 182...

- Offspring, Limp Bizkit...
- Limp Bizkit? Ugh!

I am so over them.

Plus, I just booked
the hottest act in the universe.

- Gary Puckett and the Union Gap?
- Who?

You know... Young girl get outta my mind

- My love for you is way outta line, better...
- No, you idiot!

I'm talking about
the Tom Maxwell Project.

Tom Maxwell!

So, doc, about the bill,
do you take plastic... or lead?

- They're expecting 300,000 kids on this beach.
- Well, in that case...

I'd better change the
air-freshener in the Porta-John.

Mmm. Piney.

Yo, I am so pumped for this concert.
It's gonna be huge.

Yeah. Just thinking
about Livestock...

really gets me excited.

Wow! Check out
the buben fr?gen.

Chip, those are groupies,
women who demean themselves...

by blindly following
around rock stars...

and then are used for sex
before being thrown away.

What would that be like?

- It ain't about the fame
- It ain't about the fame

- It ain't about the money
- It ain't about the money

There's only one reason
I need to rock

I want my honey

I want my honey, y-yeah

Where's my honey

I want my honey, yeah

Damn, BJ.!
You are one twisted sister.

Hey, what is
all the furor about?

Try it one more time.

Oh, my God!
It's Tom Maxwell...

- and he's walking right at us.
- My God!

Hey, Kimberlee.

Hi, Tom.

You know Tom Maxwell?

Uh, well... casually.

We used to be engaged.

Look, Kimberlee,
I only wanted to do Livestock...

because I knew you lived here.

Oh, Tom, I thought
we agreed that...

Look, I know that I
messed up in the past...

but now I
want another chance.

- What's wrong? Is there somebody else?
- W...

Well, there's this one guy
I work with.

- He must be pretty special.
- You could call him... special.

You're just a lady in disguise

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Get out of here

Before I...

Ah, I think
I'll be needing these.


Thank God they only
gave me your face.

Oh, I forgot to put
the emergency brake on.

- Greetings, commission.
- How did everything go with Johnson?

Oh, I guess you could say
he was a real...


Operative 8675-309.

Countdown to Livestock.

Yo, I can't wait
to shake my groove thing.

I was thinking
about it all night.

Couldn't even sleep.

Sounds like somebody
could use a protein Slurpee.

Here. I just made one.

Mmm! I love protein.

Hey, Skip, good to see you.

Hello, people that I work with.

Whoa, mama.
Hey, there, B.J.

Notch, are you trippin'?

- I'm Jamaica.
- That's okay, beautiful.

Don't get your thong panties
in a bunch.

Is something wrong, Notch?

You know we don't
wear underwear.

One less layer to tear off.


Notch, I'm glad you're here.

This is, uh,
a little awkward.

I mean, you and I have...

I know that you don't like
lifeguards dating each other.

- Come on. Spit it out, sweetie.
- The thing is that, uh...

this ex-boyfriend of mine
showed up and...

And you want to know
whether to bang him or not.

I say go for it.

- Need a condom?
- Notch, that's disgusting.

Yeah, I know.
Hey, Kimberlee...

if I needed to get into
the police lockup room...

- where do I go to get the entry code from?
- I don't understand.

You're the only one
with the code.

I mean,
other than the mayor.

Yeah, yeah.
The mayor.

Smell you later.


- Oh.
- He just...

I've never seen Notch
act so weird.

He's like a brother
from another planet.

Ja. He was cuckoo
for Cocoa Puffs.

How about this?
If you give me Pearl Jam...

I will personally
give you Radiohead.

Who is it?

- Hello, Mayor.
- Not now, Johnson. Can't you see I'm busy?

I don't think
you understand.

There's something I want.

Johnson, how dare you.

- I'm sorry. I just thought...
- How dare you...

keep me waiting
all these years.

How my loins have ached
for this moment...

pretending to hate you...

while this fire
burned inside me.

And you've been
on my mind too...

beautiful hair,
sensuous lips...

gorgeous face.

Now turn around, bitch.

Ooh! Notchy!
You do know how to treat a girl.

Kimberlee, no matter
how many stadiums I play...

no matter
how many CDs I sign...

no matter how many online
music communities I sue...

baby, you're the only thing
I can think about.

Well, I never forgot you.

Oh, my Lordy!

I can't believe
she kissed Tom Maxwell.

Holy Hanukkah!
Look at that!






Greetings, Commissioner.
I have acquired the virus.

I thought I told you to use
protection with that mayor woman.

No. The ebonic plague.

It is in my possession.

Excellent work, Operative.
Proceed with the plan...

to release the virus
today at Livestock.

Yes, sir. It will be my pleasure.

Gentlemen, we are now one step
closer to world domination.

We have the most potent virus
ever created.

But more significantly...

Notch Johnson is dead.


Ow, my head hurts.

How'd I get here?

Where are my clothes?

Welcome to Livestock!

We're a city!

Malibu Adjacent
State Throughway...

is closed, man!

But I do have
an announcement.

Whatever you do...

do not drink
the brown smoothies.

Rock on!

- Hey, Nacho!
- Nacho!

And strut, and strut
and strut, and strut...

Hello, SPF-50.

I hope you're not going to be
a big meany again.

- You scared me.
- Sorry I've been acting odd...

it's just that lately...

- I've had this bad case of jungle fever.
- Say what?

I hear the only cure is...
two cups of brown sugar.


Ooh, you like it rough.

What is wrong with you, boy?

Yeah. Your manual says
what you did is harassment.

- Yeah, leave her ass alone.
- Fine with me.

I'm heading over to Livestock.

I hear Poison might show up.

Yo, that fool need a checkup
from the neck up.

As everyone knows, we Germans will
not take orders from a lunatic.

I have faith that
our Lord Mr. Christ...

will help Notch find his way.

- Hey, guys.
- Where's your God now, B.J?

Notch, why are you
wearing that dress?

Oh, because the hubcaps
were starting to chafe.

Yo, you got some
king-sized nuggets...

coming back up in here
after what you pulled.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but, you know,
lately my mind's been shooting blanks.

- Maybe you need some rest, chief.
- No. What I need is a restroom.

Wouldn't it be great if
they put toilets in car trunks?


What a neat watch.

I'm telling you, Kimberlee,
it'll be different this time.

Let's give us
one more chance.

Ahh, it is tempting.

You and I had
a good thing together...

but I just wanted a normal life...

you had your music.

We can have that normal life.
I know we can.

Tom Maxwell,
will you sign my breast?


So, anyway. Kimberlee, I think
you should go home and pack.

'Cause tonight
we leave for Germany.

And then we're off
to Moscow...

and then Reykjavik...

No, wait. Reykjavik
was Wednesday.

Boy, that feels good!

I got to do this more often.

Here comes an aftershock.

What is it, Operative?
Have you been captured?

Are you being tortured?


- What is it, Operative?
- Who is this?

My name's not "Operative."

Right, right, right.
You're Notch Johnson. We get it.

Why aren't you at the concert,
releasing the deadly fumes?

Uh, I thought it would be better
to do that in here.

I'm talking about the
vile of ebonic plague.

You said you recovered
the green duffel bag.

- Huh?
- I'm suddenly concerned.

You did kill the real Notch Johnson
and assume his identity, right?

Uh, yeah.
The real Notch Johnson is dead.

He's lying in
the trunk of a car...

with a hubcap covering
his large genitalia.

I have to go now.

You can fill an ocean

Tom, I just don't think
this is gonna work out.

- But...
- No, Tom. I can't take any more... buts.


This house is burning

You see, gang.
It wasn't me all along.

It was a different Notch Johnson,
an evil Notch Johnson.

Two Johnsons?
That's really hard to swallow.

You have to believe me.

Look. There he is!

Excuse me, Officer.
I have to save my commander.

- Hait! Schteibremon das schieben!
- Huh?

Chip, he's got the virus.
Shoot him!

- No! He's got the virus. Shoot him!
- I don't know who is who.

Will the real Notch Johnson
please stand up?

It's me.
- Wait. I know.

Hey, Notch, what's
your favorite song?

Uh, that song,
uh, "Young Girl."

Then you must be the real
Notch. Arrest the other one!

No, wait. Wait!
It's not fair!

I can't remember!




Good hands, girlfriend!

I got it, I got it

- No! -
No! - No!

Now, are you sure we've
got the right Notch Johnson?

I'll handle this.

Unfortunately, yes.

Well, it looks like you're going
to jail for a long time, evil me.

And with that young
pretty face of yours...

you're going to be very popular.

I'd like to dedicate this song...

to the girl that got away.

I know this one's
your favorite, Kimberlee.

Young girl

Get out of my mind

My love for you
is way out of line

Better run, girl

You're much
too young, girl

With all the charms
of a woman

Wow, Kimberlee,
this is your favorite song too?

We have so much in common.

You've kept the secret
of your youth

You led me to believe

You're old enough

To give me love

And now it hurts
to know the truth

Hi, teens...

Jerry Springer here
with a final thought.

You know, tonight's show
was about twins.

Do you have an evil twin?
Would you like to be on my show?

Uh, excuse me.
Jerry, what are you doing?

- I'm just wrapping up.
- Well, that's what I do.

Oh, that's right.
This is your show.

I'm sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead.

No problem, Jerry.

Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was about the dangers
of swimming with your clothes on.

- Now...
- Do you like to swim naked?

- Would you like to be on my show?
- Excuse me. Jerry.

I'm sorry.
It's a habit. It's a habit.

Now I lost my place.

Um, okay. Tonight...
Tonight's show...

was about Livestock.

- You know, Livestock...
- Do you like to sleep with farm animals?

Did you ever cheat on one?

- Would you like to be on my show?
- Excuse me. Uh...

Oh, just forget it.
We're out of time.

Um, this is Notch Johnson

- "Ride the big one."
- Do you have a big one?

Would you like to be on
my show? Give us a call.

Okay. Forget it. Forget it.
Let's cut this thing now. Cut it!