Son of the Beach (2000–2002): Season 2, Episode 7 - Chip's a Goy - full transcript

My brothers...

this is a great moment...

for our super-secret
terrorist organization...


How dare you cough in my presence!

As I was saying...

in the past two years...

hundreds of our soldiers...

have been imprisoned
by the Israelis...

causing Hummus
to be spread too thin.

Please forgive my ignorance...

our great, bearded,
terrorist leader...

but why is this a great moment?

As we speak, an American
is arriving in Israel.

If we kidnap him...

the Israelis will be forced
to release our brothers.

But who could be so important?

His name...

is Notch Johnson.

Well, gang, here we are in Israel.

If you want to see more Jews...

you'll have to go to Long Island.

Hold my hands, Kimberlee.
I'm frightened.

Stop it.

Boychik, is that really you?

Oh, look at me. I'm kvelling.

Ah, gang, how about
a big, hearty shalom...

for Israel's greatest lifeguard...

Naches Johnstein.

Shalom, Naches Johnstein!

Zie gezunt.

And now, Notcholeh...

in honor of your arrival...

join me as we blow the shofar.

He was a good driver and all...

but can't we just
throw him 20 bucks?

Tonight's episode...

Son of the Beach is not
a division of Microsoft.

Why don't you lifegarden...

enjoy the buffet?

It's the traditional
food of my people...

Egg Foo Yong and
Paper-Wrapped Chicken.

It's free!

Oh, Notch.


I'm concerned about Hummus.

You mean the tasty chip dip...

made entirely of chick peas?


This is "Hummus,"
the terrorist organization...

led by Osama Bin Layden!

Do you mean
Osama Bin Laden?

No. He's bad, too.

But I'm talking about
Osama Bin Layden!

So, what's the deal with
this Osama Bin Layden?

Well, apparently,
Osama Bin Layden...

has created a secret gas bomb.

When it hits...

you don't even realize it.

The worst kind of gas...

silent but deadly.

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, everyone, meet
my beautiful daughter.

Say hello to...


Wait. That's her name?


Yeah. Chcch.

Oh, like the sound you make...

when you spit stuff
out of your throat?

My friends call me
"Chcch" for short.

I have tickets for
the Monday night stoning.

It's the Palestinian Refugees...

versus the West Bank Settlers.

I'd love you in my box.

Uh, something just came up.

OK, gang...

let's hit the mall
and do some shopping.

I want to buy some "Jew-venirs."

How do we get there, Naches?

Oh, you can't miss it.

You see where those, uh...

four Palestinians are?

You see where those
three Palestinians are?

Right behind them.

OK, gang, let's get going.

Notch, be careful.

There's danger about.

Thank you, my friend.

Hello, Chcch.

My name is Chip.

I hope you don't mind me saying...

but you're very beautiful.

And you are so handsome.

I have never seen a nose like that.

Chip, let me show you my country.

I think you will see that
I know my way around.

This is for all the guys...

who ask me if I want to hump.

OK, B.J., say "gefilte fish."

Go, filthy fish.

Hey, guys.

Look what I got
from the costume shop.

It's a yentl rental.

There's the ancient Wailing Wall...

the Old Temple...

Hey, look!
There's a Popeye's Chicken.

Chip, you're German, right?


Were your parents in the war?

The war?

My parents did not participate.

If they did...

they were only following orders.

I like you, Chip.

You're not like the guys...

that papa makes me go out with.

Hello, my friend.

Do you like to eat dates?

Well, that's a very
personal question.

But I suppose it would
depend on the girl.

Huh? No, no.

The dates I'm talking about...

are fruits, huh?


Fruits are a definite nokey-dokey.

What? No, no.

I'm talking about these.





It's like a party in my mouth.


Where is Notch?

He was supposed to meet us here.

- Notch?
- Notch?



You must be worried sick
that your daughter...

might get involved with a non-Jew.

You mean a goy?


Do you have any idea...

what it's like to have a daughter?

No, but I do have a son
who wants to be...

a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

Oh, so, girls,
did you have lot to eat?

We can't find Notch.

And the big hand's
gone around two times.

It's a package from Terrorist Express.

I thought something
smelled like Shiite.

It's from Hummus.

They have Notch.

They won't let him go...

unless we release
their imprisoned leaders.

I say we go kick some "hum-ass."

No, wait.

Naches, can't we just
give them what they want...

so they'll give us Notch back?

Look, I love Notch like a brother...

but we will not negotiate...

with terrorists.

We have a strict
"no exchange" policy.

Now, is Your Excellency ready...

to meet our newest
unhappy camper?

Unhand me...

and get me out of
this sexy outfit.


At last, we have
our bargaining chip.

If the Israelis don't
hand over our comrades...

we will drop the gas bomb.

And if they do?

We still drop it!

Oh, Lord.

I'm so hot and thirsty.

If you hear me...

please bring me
something to drink.

Here, drink this.

It'll make you feel better.

Thank you. Bless you.

Ahh, that hit the spot.

What do you call this drink?


Well, sometimes you
just have to make do.

Actually, it's not bad...

but who had the asparagus?

So, welcome to slavery.

I'm Schmuel.

This is Kosher Chicken George.

And this is Kunta Kintstein.

And this...

is the late Martha Raye's
bereaved widower...

Mark Harris.

Please, call me
by my Hebrew name...

Schlomo the Homo.

As you can see...

this ain't the Catskills.

Here you toil
day and night in the hot sun.

They beat you...

and all you get to eat
is a bagel and a shmeer.

Osama Bin Layden.

He makes you work
on his big gun...

and I don't mean
the fun kind, darling.

Big gun?

It's a giant cannon...

that can shoot a gas bomb...

all the way to Israel.

So that's how
they're gonna do it.

And if you refuse
to work on his big gun?


Mr. Slave Master...

I'm not working.

You're gonna have to whip me.

That's it?

You call that whipping?

Martha Raye could whip me
harder than that.

I'm a-scared, 'Maica.

What if we never see Notch again?

Don't worry. I bet we come up
with some way of saving him...

within the next
thirteen minutes or so.

Guys, guys!

Kimberlee, where have you been?

I've been doing research
on Bin Layden!

According to

he lives in a tightly
guarded fortress...

deep in Arab territory.

That must be where Notch is.

So how do we get Notch back?

Well, apparently, Bin Layden...

has a penchant...

a liking...

- Oh.
- Oh.

for beautiful American women...

and goats.

He uses them for sex.

Hey, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That Felicity's on tonight?


Kimberlee's saying we can get...

into Bin Layden's headquarters...

because he loves...

beautiful American women...

and goats.

But where can we find
beautiful American women...

around here?


We'll tell you on the way over.

Chcch, look at me.

I've got goose steps.

I've never felt this way before...

my little noodle kugel.

I feel so...


How would you like
to be Mrs. Chcch...


What do you think, you shlemiel?


But won't your father object?

Are you meshuggener?

Papa will be so excited.

You're going to do what?!

With who?!

But Papa, we love each other.

Don't worry, Chip.

No one's talking about you.

Naches, I agree with you 100%.

The bottom line...

is that Chip's a goy.

Mr. Johnstein...

I love your daughter...

and I'll do whatever it takes...

to make her my wife.

Even if it means becoming Jewish?

Is that your Final Solution?


Then OK.

Boy, if my grandfather knew
I was becoming a Jew...

he'd kill me.

All right, but you'll
have to learn Hebrew.

You'll have to learn
the daily prayers...

and you'll have to learn
to haggle down prices.

And don't forget, Naches.

He'll have to be circumcised.

Oh, thank you, Mayor.

I almost forgot.

My fellow slaves...

we must stall progress
on the big gun.

But how?

I propose a work slowdown.

Everyone must take
frequent bathroom breaks.

We'll have...

a brownout.

Get out!

You've been taking
too many bathroom breaks!

Now, get back to work!

Listen to me.

These slaves need
to use the restroom.

Now, for God's sake...

let my people go!

I was kidding.

It was a pun.

So you want to join my harem?


Yes. We're three beautiful
American women.


I can see that.

We fooled him.

Do you have any
previous harem experience?

No, no.

Well, let me show you
what that will be like.


Heh heh.
I like the way you think.


who wants to rub
my magic lantern?

Dream on, Bin Layden.

How dare you.

It's Bin Layden!

Ow! Stop it. That hurts.

Now you know how
that poor goat felt.

B.J., stay here and guard him.

We'll go find Notch.

OK, he's right there.


Ooh, what's the matter, baby?

You look like you got
something on your mind.



Oh, my God. Is that Notch?


Please, sir.

Can I have some more urine?

Notch, it's us.

Kimberlee? Jamaica?

It can't be.

It must be a mirage.

Well, in that case...

I'll take the mirage on the left.

You can take the other one.

Come on, Notch.

We need to get out of here.

Wait. Jamaica,
we white people owe you this.

Go ahead.

You're free at last!
Free at last!

Great googly moogly,
you're free at last!

OK. Come on, let's go.

No, wait.

That big gun is loaded
with a gas bomb...

and it's aimed right at Israel.

Well, it ain't the kind of gun...

you can drop off
at your mama house...

like in my neighborhood.

I'm going into the cannon.

And when I come out...

I'm gonna have gas.

Ladies and gentlemen...

we are here to make Chip a Jew.

Chip, pull down
the ceremonial shorts...

so we can see
what's under the hood.

Jesus H. Christ!

Kill Bin Layden!
Kill Bin Layden!

Let me go.

It's an emergency.

I'm not falling for that.

Why do you want me to let you go?

Because, uh...

I could really use
some frozen yogurt.

I love frozen yogurt!

Get me a non-fat vanilla...

and Snickerdoodle.


Chip, are you sure you want
to go through with this?

Anything for you.

How would you like it?

Just take a little off the top.


I will now...

take the knife...

to the foreskin...

and with a gentle sawing motion...

tear into the flesh!

That should disarm it.



You're too late!

The bomb has been delivered.






Sorry, Chip.

I didn't mean to cut you off.

Well, what better way...

to end your trip to Israel...

than the most ancient
and historic symbol...

for Jews the world over...

the Wailing Wall.


Magnificent, Naches.

Thank you so much.

And thank you
for the circumcision.

I love the new look.

Not my best work...

but a circumcision nonetheless.

Welcome to
the Jewish religion, my boy.

And you and Chcch...

have my blessing.

Will you come with me to America...

to be my lawfully wedded wife?

Yeah. Chip, about that?

Ever since my dad gave you
his blessing...

well, you just don't do it
for me anymore.


I had a piece of my Braunschweiger...

cut off for you!

Now, Chip...

don't go off half-cocked.

You'll find someone else...

just like I did.

Well, hello, tall, dark and dark.


Shalom, my friend.



Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.

Tonight's show was once again...

about racial stereotypes.

And teens...

hearing these tasteless jokes
about minorities...

makes me madder
than a Japanese tourist...

without a camera.

Well, tonight
I have with me a man...

who started a web site...

to help stamp out...

these horrible ethnic put-downs...

Mr. Jackie Martling.

Jackie, can you give us
some examples of these jokes?

Thanks, Notch.

You know, one particularly
disturbing example is...

"Did you hear about
the Mexican midget?

"He committed suicide.

He hung himself from
the rearview mirror."

Oh, just terrible.

Yeah, and, "Why aren't
there any Puerto Ricans...

"on Star Trek?

'Cause they're not working
in the future, either."

Oh, awful.

Yeah, and, uh...

"Where does an Irish family
go on vacation?

To a different bar."

Oh, folks, to make yourself
more aware of these jokes...

please visit Mr. Martling's
web site at...

And don't forget to buy my CDs.

So until next time,
this is Notch Johnson saying...

ride the big one, and "F" Jackie.